scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Vicar V (part 2 of 3)


Click here to view the first part of this scambust.


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: CAN I SEND THE MONEY USING MONOGRAM AND I WANT YOUR ADVICE PLEASE

Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 17:32:32

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I told you last time that the nearest Western Union office is a long way away from the village and that it is too far for me to cycle there. And I do not have time to go on the bus because Reverend Murray has left me a list of jobs to do around the church that is as long as my arm and if I do not get all of the jobs done before he gets back he might be angry and I would not like that.

I was talking to Curate Segg about this just now and he told me that the post office in the village does something which I think he said was called Monogram and he said that it was like Western Union and that you could use it to send money to people all over the world. If I could send you the money using Monogram that would be a lot easier for me because the post office is just down the road from the church and it would not take long.

Will that be OK with you Mr Bernard if I send the money using Monogram? Please let me know and if it is OK with you then I will send the money tomorrow. If it is not OK then I do not know what we are going to do because I will not get time to go into town for quite a few days.

I probably should not tell you this but I found some rude pictures while I was clearing out the old Verger’s things from my office. They were of girls and boys who were not very old. They were very nasty pictures. I think the old Verger must have been a pervert or something like that. I did not know what to do with the pictures so I stuffed them into an envelope and left it in my office while I decide what to do with them.

You are a lawyer Mr Bernard. What do you think I should do with them? I was thinking that maybe I should take them to the police because things like that are against the law. But I am not very good at explaining myself sometimes and people always seem to get the wrong end of the stick and I am worried that if I took them to the police maybe they would think that they were my photographs and not the old Verger’s photographs and that would not be good.

What do you think I should do with the pictures Mr Bernard? Should I go to the police with them? As you are a lawyer I would appreciate your advice because Reverend Murray tells me that you are a very learned man even if he said that you would never guess that from your emails which is what he said about Mrs Abacha too.

Please give me your advice on this as soon as you can and let me know about the Monogram thing too.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE!!!

Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 21:46:12 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Thanks for your understand and all is well also try send it through MoneyGram is OK and about the rude pictures what you have to do now, just find any envelope put the picture on it and left it in your office. But Mr Chidi Francis is the name you are going to used OK and send the money with that name because is my personal assistant like I said before.

You have to send it through Travellers’ Express MoneyGram transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below:

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

After that just come back and send me all the MoneyGram information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: BUT SHOULD I GO TO THE POLICE WITH THE PICTURES OR NOT?

Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 08:54:12

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I told you in my last email about those naughty pictures that I found in the office that must have belonged to the last Verger and I asked you for your advice about what I should do with them.

But in the email you sent me back you only told me to put the pictures in an envelope and leave it in my office. But I have already told you that I have already done that so why are you telling me to do something that I have already told you that I have already done? You are a lawyer and so I was expecting to get some good advice from you but that advice was rubbish.

I want to know if you think I should go to the police with the naughty pictures or not. You are a lawyer so you probably know more about this kind of thing than I do. I mean you probably know more about going to the police than I do not about naughty pictures of young children. I hope you do not know much about that at all because that would make you a sick individual and I am sure that is not what you are.

Anyway what do you advise me to do Mr Bernard? I am very worried about this because if I take the pictures to the police they might get the wrong idea and think that they were mine and if I do not take them to the police and somebody finds them then they might think that they are mine too so I really do not know what to do.

I am so worried about this that I hardly got any sleep last night and I cannot concentrate on my job which is bad. Because my mind is not on the job I dropped an effigy of the Great Prophet Noel in the church this morning when I was polishing it and it fell onto the floor and his little head fell off and I had to glue it back on with superglue. But I did not manage to glue it on quite straight and his little alabaster beard and his little alabaster pullover are both a bit chipped from where they hit the flagstones and I hope that Reverend Murray does not notice that it is broken when he gets back because he will be very angry with me and I do not like it when he gets angry.

I need your advice Mr Bernard. Please tell me what I should do. Should I go to the police or not?

Thanking you,

Beaker

PS. Is Mrs Abacha OK? I sent her an email on Monday and she has not got back to me and I wondered if she was sick or something. When I say sick I mean ill not sick like I meant it when I was talking about you being a sick individual. Which I am sure you are not by the way.


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: PLS SEND IT TODAY OK

Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 14:19:18 +0100 (BST)

Attention: Beaker,

Thanks for your understand and you promise to send the money today because am going to use the money to obtain a document from the Chief Justice here in the Federal High Court of Nigeria.

I want to let you know that the only advice I can give you as a lawyer is to leave this matter until Reverend Gilbert Murray return back because I will not put yourself in any problem OK so take my advice.

Look!! If there is anything I hate in this world that is insults. How dare you insult me because Reverend Gilbert Murray instructed you to withdraw $3,000 from the church account is the reason why you insult me.

Please try to send the money today, but Mr Chidi Francis is the name you are going to use OK and send the money with that name because is my personal assistant like I said before.

You have to send it through Travellers’ Express MoneyGram transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below:

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

After that just come back and send me all the MoneyGram information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response again.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: I DIDN’T MEAN TO INSULT YOU

Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 15:37:48

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I am confused now because you said in your last email that I insulted you but I didn’t insult you or at least I didn’t mean to insult you.

Reverend Murray told me that you were a very important and intelligent lawyer even if he said that you would never guess that from your emails and he told me that with your help we were going to raise a lot of money for the church so I would never want to insult you.

I can only think that because your English is so rubbish you misunderstood something in my email that was not meant to be an insult and that you took it to be an insult when it wasn’t an insult. People are always misunderstanding me because I am not very good at explaining myself sometimes especially when I get stressed like I am now over these naughty pictures of children that I found and over all of the jobs that Reverend Murray has given me to do and that is why I am worried about going to the police or about someone finding those pictures because I might get flustered and then I might not be able to explain that they are not mine. Well I am sorry if I did insult you because I really did not mean to.

Please do not tell Reverend Murray that I insulted you because he would be very angry with me and I would not want that. He is going to be angry enough with me anyway if he finds out that I broke the little alabaster effigy of the Great Prophet Noel and I do not want to give him any other reason to be angry with me.

Anyway I will do what you suggest and leave the pictures in the envelope in my office until Reverend Murray gets back and then I will ask him what to do. I think I will have a look through them a bit later on because although most of them were of children they were not all of children and one or two of them were of this woman who reminds me a bit of Miss Fortesque who sings in the choir only with bigger lady bumps than Miss Fortesque and with less clothes than Miss Fortesque normally wears and doing something that Miss Fortesque would probably never do and I like Miss Fortesque because she looks very nice. I might keep those ones for myself.

As for the money that I need to send to you I am sorry but it is too late now to send it today because it is early closing day in the village and the post office is shut now until tomorrow. But do not worry I will send the money tomorrow like Reverend Murray wants me to do.

Now I come to think of it I am sure there was something that Reverend Murray wanted me to ask you before I sent you the money but my memory is not very good and I cannot remember what it was. I hope I will remember what it was by tomorrow.

I asked you how Mrs Abacha was and you did not tell me. How is she? I am worried about her because she has not replied to the email that I sent her on Monday and I want her advice about something so I hope she will reply soon and I hope that she is not sick.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: How are things progressing?

Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 18:47:33

Dear Mr Bernard,

I have managed to extract myself from the ecclesiastical emergency that has been taking up my time this week for a few moments and by chance I have come across a computer with internet access, so I thought I would send you a quick email to enquire how things are progressing.

I presume that Beaker has transferred the money to you by now. Have you managed to obtain the document you need from the Chief Justice?

Please get back to me with a progress update as quickly as you can. I will do my best to check my emails again tomorrow, but I am not sure whether I will be able to get away again like this. If I do not manage to, I will catch up with you upon my return to Gypping in the Marsh.

May the Great Prophet Noel ensure your continued productivity each day by sending you to work on an egg and putting a tiger in your tank.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Beaker

Subject: PLS LET ME KNOW

Sent: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:35:44 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

I am very happy to hear from you again and all is well but what you have to do is to keep working with church for the meantime and I will find a way to help you out OK.

Please try all your best and send the money to my personal attorney Barr John Bernard and try to follow all his instructions you get from him OK.

Thanks,

Mrs Abacha


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ALL IS WELL

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 08:54:35 +0100 (BST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your quick response and all is well. Beaker promise to send the money today. As soon as he do so I will let you know OK so that I will be able to obtain the document from Chief Justice.

May the Great Prophet Noel be with you Amen.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: What is the reason for this delay?

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 08:45:16

Dear Mr Bernard,

I have just managed to pop out after breakfast to check my emails before the day’s work begins. I have to say, my dear fellow, I am rather concerned to hear that things do not appear to have moved on at all since I left Gypping in the Marsh last week.

What is the reason for this delay, Mr Bernard? Do you not appreciate the urgency and importance of this business?

Do we not read in the Book of Noel (Philbin 2:25) about how the Great Prophet Noel cast the prevaricators out of the studio?

I would urge you to take a leaf out of the Great Prophet Noel’s book, Mr Bernard, and to stop prevaricating and to hurry this business along. Let us have no more of these tiresome delays my dear chap.

May the Great Prophet Noel turn your attitude towards this business from that of an indolent donkey into that of a speedy stallion with His horsewhip of eternal diligence.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The Delay Is From Beaker

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 10:48:10 +0100 (BST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

I am very happy to hear from you again and Beaker told me that the post office is shut now until tomorrow which means he will send the money today.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: The post office closes early on Wednesdays, not Thursdays

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:04:29

Dear Mr Bernard,

I have managed to pop out again briefly to check my emails. Surely you must be mistaken, my dear fellow? I gave Beaker express instructions to transfer the money to you as soon as possible. I cannot imagine that he would have disobeyed my orders and delayed matters for this long. No, you must be mistaken.

You are certainly mistaken about the opening times of the Gypping in the Marsh post office. I am one hundred percent certain that Beaker would not have told you that the post office was closed today: it closes on Wednesday afternoons, not on Thursdays. And if the post office was indeed closed today, how could he send the money to you today?

I hope you do not mind me saying so, my dear chap, but you sound somewhat confused about your dates. What you wrote in your last email to me simply does not make any sense.

Tell me, Mr Bernard, do you enjoy a drink at all, by any chance?

I have to go: the Great Prophet Noel will probably have finished his cigarette break by now and there are important matters to attend to. Please, Mr Bernard, I implore you to apply yourself to the matter in hand and to expedite matters as quickly as possible, with no further delays. And if you don’t mind a bit of well-meant advice, it might be worth you limiting your consumption of alcoholic beverages to a couple of glasses of red wine – and no more – in the evening.

May the Great Prophet Noel encourage abstinence and moderation in all aspects of your life.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. May I gently remind you that as a vicar, the correct way in which to address me is “Reverend Murray”? I am sure that you do not mean to cause offence, but if you were to take a little more care with your emails you would ensure that you did not do so unwittingly.


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: I HAVE REMEMBERED WHAT IT IS THAT REVEREND MURRAY WANTED ME TO ASK YOU

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:10:52

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I have remembered what it is that Reverend Murray wanted me to ask you before sending you the money. Reverend Murray told me that he is a bit worried about taking the money out of the organ restoration fund because he said that if anyone found out that he had taken the money and used it for something else a lot of people would be very angry with him and he could even get thrown out of the church and get accused of fraud or something and of course he does not want that to happen.

Reverend Murray wanted me to find out from you before I send you the money exactly how long it will be before he gets hold of the money from the security company so that he can replace the money that we are going to take out of the organ restoration fund. He asked me to ask you for a definite date and to give me your personal assurance that it would not take any longer than however long you tell me it will take.

So Mr Bernard how long will it be before we get the money? Please let me know because then I can send the $3,000 to your personal assistant Mr Francis.

I went through those naughty pictures yesterday like I said I would and there were five of them that were pictures of the lady who looks a lot like Miss Fortesque who sings in the choir only with bigger lady bumps so I took them out and put them in a separate envelope and hid that somewhere else in my office because I am going to keep those ones because they are not of children. I am still very worried about the fact that I have still got all those naughty pictures of children hidden in my office. The sooner Reverend Murray gets back and I can get rid of them the better as far as I am concerned.

I must go now because I have to clean and polish the twenty-two ceremonial boxes of Noel. I am still nervous about having those pictures in my office but not as nervous as I was before so hopefully I will manage to clean the boxes without breaking anything today.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: PLS TRY TO DO SO TODAY

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 13:01:41 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

I am very happy to hear from you again and I have to let you know that Reverend Murray just send me email yesterday and both today he ask me whether you have send the money to me and I just say no to him OK.

As soon as you send the money to me and I will try all my best to get the money out from the security company. Please try to send the money today. I hope to hear from you with the information immediately.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: BUT WHAT DATE WILL WE GET THE MONEY?

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 14:41:21

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I did not know that you had heard from Reverend Murray. He did not send me any emails. How is he? Did he tell you how things were going with the Great Prophet Noel? Did he tell you when he would be coming back to Gypping in the Marsh?

You didn’t tell him about the naughty pictures did you? I hope you didn’t because he might have got the wrong idea and he might be angry with me when he gets back. You didn’t tell him did you? Well did you? Well? Did you? Did you tell him Mr Bernard? Did you? Well?

I am sorry Mr Bernard but you did not answer my question. I asked you what date we will get the money but you did not tell me a date. You just said that you will do your best to get the money from the security company. Reverend Murray was very specific when he asked me to make sure that you gave me a date when we can expect to receive the money and he told me not to send the $3,000 to you until you had given me a date but you have not done so and now you are even sounding like you are not sure that you will be able to get the money out from the security company at all and that is not good and if Reverend Murray heard that I do not think that he would want to send you the $3,000 because if there is the slightest chance that he will not get it back then he could get into big trouble with the Great Prophet Noel.

Reverend Murray told me to make sure that I followed his instructions to the letter and that is what I am doing because if I do not do that then he will be angry with me so before I can send you the money I need a date from you and I need your word as a lawyer that there will not be any delays and that the date that you give me is definite.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Beaker

To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: BARRISTER BERNARD IS DELAYING THINGS

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 16:43:58

Hello Reverend Murray,

I do not know when you will get this email or even if you will be able to read it before you come back but Barrister Bernard told me that you had managed to send him a couple of emails so I am hoping that you will manage to read this one too at some point before you come back.

I am very sorry Reverend Murray but I have not sent the $3,000 to Barrister Bernard yet because he is delaying things. I have asked him what you told me to ask him but he has not given me a firm date like you said you wanted and in fact he is now saying that if I send him the $3,000 he will just do his best to get the money out from the security company.

That does not sound very promising to me because it sounds to me as if Barrister Bernard has got doubts as to whether he will actually be able to get the money out from the security company so from what he has told me it sounds as if there is a possibility that even if we send him the $3,000 he will not be able to get the money and then your $3,000 will have been wasted and you will not be able to pay it back into the organ restoration fund and then you will get into trouble with the Great Prophet Noel and with the people in the parish who have donated money into the fund.

What should I do Reverend Murray? Barrister Bernard has been so slow in replying to my emails that it is now too late to do anything again today and so that is another day wasted thanks to him. Please tell me what to do Reverend Murray because I need your advice.

Onto other things now. I have been following the instructions that you left me to the letter and I have been doing all of the jobs that you told me to do and I have managed to do most of them without anything going very wrong so that is good. Curate Segg is not being very nice to me but then I do not think that he likes me much. I am hoping that you will like me more when you get back and see what a good job I have done around the church.

The one job that I have not managed to do yet is to climb up to the top of the spire and remove your weathercock and then give it a good polish and then put it back up there because it has been too windy and I have been afraid that if I climb up to the top of the spire in the strong wind I will fall off. But Curate Segg told me that it is supposed to be less windy tomorrow so if he is right I will climb up to the top of the spire and I will pull your cock off and I will give it a good polish and then I will get it erect again and I will do my best not to get blown off while I am doing it.

Please get back to me and tell me what to do as soon as you read this email because Barrister Bernard is delaying things and confusing me and not answering my questions and I want to do the right thing so that you are not angry with me.

Thanking you,

Beaker

PS. If Barrister Bernard has mentioned anything about any pictures to you please ignore him because I will tell you all about that when you get back.


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: KEEP INSULT ME OK

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:51:37 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Keep insult me OK and I got the last email you send to Reverend Murray fine insult but God is there watching you OK my friend and I will not tell him anything yet but my God will tell him.

So you will get the money back on 8 September 2006 because I will take two day to obtain the document from the Chief Justice so that the security company will now move the money out $85 million in cash.

May the Great Prophet Noel keep watching you and insult me more OK.

Barr John Bernard


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Pls Contact Beaker

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 18:10:23 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Beaker is not capable to handing this transaction because you just said that you give him express instructions to transfer the money to me and I have not got the money from him please try to contact Beaker as soon as possible.

May the Great Prophet Noel be with you Amen.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: Not another delay?

Sent: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 21:57:55

Dear Mr Bernard,

I have managed to get away and quickly check my emails before the end of the day. By the sound of things, it is a good job that I have managed to do so.

What exactly is going on here? Beaker sent me an email earlier today – I believe that he sent a copy of it to you – in which he told me that this entire transaction was being delayed because you had not yet told him the date on which the money would be transferred over to me.

I have no reason to disbelieve Beaker’s email. After all, Beaker works for me and I work for the Great Prophet Noel, which means that Beaker is in a direct line of authority to an actual deity. And yet now I receive an email from you telling me that “Beaker is not capable to handling this transaction” (I believe you will find that the correct phrase is “Beaker is not capable of handling this transaction”, but let us leave that aside for the moment).

According to Beaker, the delays in this transaction have been caused by you failing to let him know exactly what date I can expect to receive the money from the security company. I would be extremely grateful if you could let Beaker have the information he needs immediately so that we can move forward with this transaction, Mr Bernard. And please stop trying to shift blame onto other people: it is most unbecoming for someone in your exalted position.

I look forward to hearing that some progress has been made at last in this transaction. Kindly stop delaying things my good man so that matters can take their course.

May the Great Prophet Noel shine His torch of productivity into your abyss of sloth.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. Beaker mentioned something about some pictures in his email, but I did not know what he was referring to. Do you have any idea?


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Pls tell him

Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 09:09:39 +0100 (BST)

Reverend Murray,

I am not delaying things OK, because I have just give Beaker the date the money will come over there on 8th September 2006 and I will take two days to obtain document from the Chief Justice so that the security company will move out $85 million.

Please tell Beaker to send the money today and about the pictures Beaker mentioned I have no idea ask him.

May the Great Prophet Noel shine you day Amen.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: I HAVE TRANSFERRED THE MONEY TO MR FRANCIS

Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 09:42:58

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. Thank you for telling me at last which date Reverend Murray will receive the money from the security company. Now that you have told me that I have been able to transfer the money like Reverend Murray told me to.

I have just come back from the post office where I transferred the $3,000 to your personal assistant Mr Francis. I did not do two separate transfers like you suggested because I could not see the point and I would have had to fill in two forms and that would have been stupid and a waste of my time so I only made one transfer of $3,000.

The woman at the post office told me that Mr Francis will be able to pick up the money straight away but that he will need some information to pick it up and here is the information that he will need. The money was sent by me Billy Beaker in a transfer of $3,000 to Chidi Francis and the MoneyGram reference number is 67915795 and there is a test question and answer and the test question is Miss Fortesque has nice what? and the answer is Lady bumps.

Please get back to me as soon as Mr Francis has collected the money so that I know what is going on and so that I can tell Reverend Murray when he gets back whenever that may be.

Thanking you,

Beaker

PS. Why do you keep on telling me that I am insulting you because I am not insulting you and if you think that I am then you must be misunderstanding me because your English is so bad.


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: Why insult?

Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 13:37:01 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Mr Francis cannot collect the money because the reference number 67915795 is invalid. Why?

Go back to post office and check it out.

I am waiting to hear from you today before end today?

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: SORRY I MADE A MISTAKE WITH THE NUMBER

Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 14:42:26

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I have checked the MoneyGram receipt and I am sorry but it looks like I made a mistake with the number. The woman at the post office has very bad handwriting and her 7s look like her 9s and now that I have looked more carefully I can see that the reference number is not 67915795 like I told you it is 67715795 instead.

I am really sorry for making that mistake. Please do not tell Reverend Murray that I made a mistake because he might be angry with me.

Anyway now that you have the right number your personal assistant Mr Francis will be able to collect the money so that is a good thing.

The wind has dropped now so I am going to climb the church spire to take off the weathercock so that I can clean it. Please send me an email as soon as Mr Francis has picked up the money.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: I will tell him

Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 17:38:46 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Mr Francis cannot collect the money because the two reference numbers you gave me 67915795 and 67715795 is invalid so try to send me the receipt but am not happy with you or you want me to tell him everything about your behaviour OK.

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

Sent: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 17:55:31

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. What do you mean that the numbers are invalid? I do not understand? I made a mistake the first time but the second time I definitely gave you the right number and I know that because I double checked it.

Wny are you threatening me with telling Reverend Murray about those things I asked you not to tell him about? I have not done anything wrong and it is not my fault if you and your personal assistant are screwing things up at your end.

I cannot send you a copy of the receipt right now because we do not have a scanner. Curate Segg told me that the old Verger used to have a scanner but the police took it away with the rest of his computer equipment. But I will ask around the village and see if anyone has one and if they do I will scan in the receipt and send it to you this weekend.

I bet I will be able to find someone with a scanner tomorrow. Just you wait and I will send you the receipt. In the meantime have you thought about trying a different MoneyGram office? Maybe it is them who are screwing things up and not you. Try a different MoneyGram office and let me know how you get on and I will do my best to send you the receipt tomorrow.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: All the reference numbers is invalid

Sent: Sat, 02 Sep 2006 13:19:29 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

I am not threatening you because the whole number is invalid and Mr Chidi Francis can’t collect the money out so I will not tell Reverend Murray anythings yet but you have to try all your best and scan the receipt so that my personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis will collect the money by Monday. Or you want me to tell him everything about your behaviour OK?

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: HERE IS THE RECEIPT AND I HAVE FOUND OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS

Sent: Mon, 04 Sep 2006 08:36:03

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I asked around after the evening service yesterday and I could not find anybody with a scanner but I managed to find somebody in the village with a digital camera so I borrowed it off them and I took a picture of the MoneyGram receipt and I am sending it to you with this email.

I talked to Curate Segg this weekend about the problems you and Mr Francis have been having and he told me that I should go back to the post office first thing this morning and see if there was a problem at this end so this is what I did and I got there as soon as it opened and I spoke to the woman at the post office and I have just got back and I am writing you this email straight away and this is what she told me.

The woman at the post office said that MoneyGram had been having some technical problems over the past week because they are upgrading some computers somewhere in their network and this has meant that some transfers have got stuck in the system or at least that is how she put it and she reckons that this is what happened to the transfer I made to your personal assistant Mr Francis.

She checked her system to see that the transfer was still there and it was as you can see from the receipt and she told me not to worry because MoneyGram have a procedure for when things like this happen and that all your MoneyGram agent has to do to gain access to the transfer I made is to carry out this procedure which is called MoneyGram Operating Procedure MG-RV8.

What this means is that all Mr Francis needs to do is to go back to the MoneyGram agent and tell them to got to their computer and enter the MoneyGram reference number of the transfer which I gave you and which is written on the receipt and to carry out procedure MG-RV8 on their computer and this will give them access to my transfer and it will stop it from being stuck in the system and Mr Francis will be able to collect the money straight away.

The woman at the post office was very surprised that your MoneyGram agent had not done this already because she told me that it is standard operating procedure and she told me that it was very likely that your MoneyGram agent is new at the job and could do with some more training and maybe you and Mr Francis should tell them that when you go back to get the money because they have wasted your time and my time and Reverend Murray’s time and Mrs Abacha’s time and that is not good.

Anyway now we know what the problem was Mr Francis will be able to collect the money straight away so please send him back to the MoneyGram office right now and tell him to get the money because I do not want Reverend Murray to be angry with me when he gets back and let me know when you have got the money.

Thanking you,

Beaker

Beaker’s forged MoneyGram receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: I am most displeased with you

Sent: Mon, 04 Sep 2006 12:05:44

Dear Mr Bernard,

I am writing to let you know that I am most displeased with you. I returned to Gypping in the Marsh earlier this morning and found to my surprise and displeasure that you have still not managed to collect the money that Beaker transferred to you. Beaker explained to me that he has done everything in his power to make it easy for you to pick up the money, but that you and Mr Francis have inexplicably not yet managed to do so.

I have told you before, Mr Bernard, this is an extremely important transaction. There is a great deal of money at stake here. What we need you to do is to take action, my dear sir. What we emphatically do not need to you do is to bumble around ineffectually as you seem to have been doing right from the start of this business.

I knew I should have tried harder to persuade Mrs Abacha to engage the services of my own lawyer, the eminent Welsby. Welsby told me quite some time ago that in the legal world, if you pay peanuts you get monkeys. I am now beginning to see the truth in his statement.

But this is not the main reason for my extreme displeasure with you, Mr Bernard. I needed to have a look at some old church accounts this morning that I knew were stored somewhere in the Verger’s office, so while Beaker was outside dusting the gravestones I went into his office and started searching for the files I needed.

I came across a plain brown envelope which I thought might contain the accounts. However, when I opened it and had a look inside, I was shocked and horrified by what I discovered. It was a collection of photographs – extremely indecent photographs – of young children! They were obscene, Mr Bernard... complete filth.

I called Beaker into the office straight away, confronted him with the photographs and demanded that he should explain himself. Beaker understandably got very flustered and I found it difficult to understand exactly what he was trying to tell me. However, what I did manage to make out from his somewhat incoherent attempt at an explanation was that the pictures were nothing to do with him, but that you knew all about the pictures and that you had told Beaker not to go to the police with them!

I demanded to know where the pictures had come from, but all Beaker did was to ramble on about how you knew all about them and how you had instructed him not to go to the police. Did you send those pictures to Beaker, Mr Bernard? I cannot for the life of me think where else he could have got his hands on such disgusting material, and you seem to be the only other person who knows anything about them.

What on earth do you think you are playing at, Mr Bernard? You ought to be ashamed of yourself... a man in your position, sending such repulsive, obscene – and, for that matter, illegal – material to a man of the church.

Your type of people disgust me, Mr Bernard. If I had known that you were a paedophile, I never would have agreed to engage your services in this matter. Tell me, is Mrs Abacha aware of your deviant sexual proclivities? I have no doubt that she is not. Well I have a good mind to tell her.

This kind of behaviour is completely against the teachings of the Great Prophet Noel, and it needs to be stamped out right now. To this end, I have locked Beaker in his office and instructed Curate Segg to round up four or five of our burliest churchgoers. As soon as they arrive at the church we are going to strap Beaker to the altar and whip any deviant thoughts out of him. It will not be a pleasant experience for any of us, but thanks to you it is unfortunately necessary. If you were here, Mr Bernard, I would be doing exactly the same to you.

You disgust and appall me, Mr Bernard. You are a sick deviant, who in my opinion ought to be whipped to within an inch of your life and then locked up for a very long time indeed.

However, as we still have a job of work to do, I see that I must put my personal feelings about you to one side for the moment and continue to work with you until we have managed to conclude this transaction. Believe me, my dear sir, it will pain me to do so.

Beaker tells me that he sent this money to you days ago. I would be grateful if you would stop wasting your time pleasuring yourself while looking at obscene pictures of little boys on your computer and swing into action, Mr Bernard. Send Mr Francis to collect the money immediately so that we can bring this transaction to a swift conclusion. And if you do not stop peddling your vile filth to members of my church, I will inform the authorities of your pederastic proclivities.

I will pray to the Great Prophet Noel for your salvation, Mr Bernard, but I fear that I am too late. I fear that even if you were to repent now, your hideously deviant sexual tendencies have already damned you to an eternity in Hell.

May the Great Prophet Noel wield His birch of redemption to stop you distributing your repugnant pictures of small boys being abused by you and your ilk to innocent members of the church.

AMEN,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: Your odious lawyer has let you down

Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 08:54:22

Dear Mrs Abacha,

I am sorry to have to say this, my dear lady, but thanks to the odious behaviour of your lawyer, I do not feel able to move forward with this business any further.

I have told you before that I have my reputation to think of. For the sake of this transaction, I was willing to forget the fact that you had a cruel and despotic husband and a murderous son. After all, you cannot choose your family. However, you can choose your lawyer, and the fact that you chose a barely-literate, incompetent paedophile as your lawyer shows singularly poor judgement on your part.

Beaker bent over backwards to move this transaction forward, and yet all Mr Bernard seemed to be interested in doing was sending pornographic pictures of small boys to him. He seemed to have little interest in collecting the money that Beaker transferred to him.

I cannot tolerate such despicable behaviour, Mrs Abacha. As a result of your lawyer’s perverted behaviour, I am therefore dropping this transaction.

As it happens, I have just received an email from a jolly nice chap called Barrister Okeke, who has written to me with a very promising offer. He puts himself forward in a much more professional manner than you or your lawyer have ever done... and I have no doubt that he has no interest whatsoever in young boys.

May the Great Prophet Noel teach you the error of your ways and ensure that Mr Bernard spends a very long time in prison in return for his crimes.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: AM NOT HAPPY WITH BEAKER OK

Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 14:31:31 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Mr Francis just back from MoneyGram office and he told me that the agent say that this is not MoneyGram? And the reference number is invalid and them carry out operating procedure MG-RV8. No way out so you have to send Beaker back to the post office.

About the pictures see what Beaker said:

“I probably should not tell you this but I found some rude pictures while I was clearing out the old Verger’s things from my office. They were of girls and boys who were not very old. They were very nasty pictures. I think the old Verger must have been a pervert or something like that. I did not know what to do with the pictures so I stuffed them into an envelope and left it in my office while I decide what to do with them.”

Please sir, send the money through Western Union money transfer, so that I will obtain the document from the Chief Justice so that the security company will move out $85 million to your church but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

After that just come back and send me all the Western Union information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: Your one and only chance to redeem yourself

Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 16:04:39

Mr Bernard,

I am surprised to have heard from you again. Did you not read what I put in my last email to Mrs Abacha? I did send you a copy.

I can only assume that you did not read that email; no doubt you were far too busy interfering with young boys, as is your wont. Well to summarise what I said in that email, I told Mrs Abacha that as a result of your disgusting sexual deviancy, I am no longer willing to carry on with this transaction. As it happens, I received a very lucrative-sounding offer this morning from a countryman of yours – a nice chap called Barrister Okeke – and I will instead be moving forward with his proposal.

If I may say so, Mr Bernard, the fact that you are trying to blame poor Beaker for your depraved behaviour only makes matters worse. It is no use you forging emails that you say you received from Beaker, because I know what really happened. You see, I strapped Beaker to the altar yesterday and flogged him until his skin was hanging down from his back in bloody strips, as punishment for being in possession of such disgusting material. Sure enough, towards the end of his punishment, the truth emerged. Beaker confessed everything to me: he told me that you had sent him those photographs, that you had told him not to go to the police about them and that you were threatening to tell me that he had the pictures in his possession at the same time.

This is absolutely despicable behaviour, Mr Bernard. What on earth were you trying to achieve? Were you trying to blackmail Beaker into joining your paedophile ring? Is that it? Well thank the Great Prophet Noel that your odious plans came to nothing. You are a sick man, Mr Bernard. You need help. You need a damn good whipping too, if you ask me.

The depth of your depravity is brought into even sharper focus at the moment, because my congregation is currently raising funds for ChildLine, a UK-based charity that provides help and support for children in need. How sharp is the contrast between my congregation’s attitude to children and your own.

I pity poor Mrs Abacha. Not only does the woman have a monster of a late husband and a homicidal jailbird son, she now has a perverted lawyer to contend with. The poor woman must be at her wits’ ends.

For the sake of Mrs Abacha and because I am a man of the church (and therefore forgiving by nature), I am willing to give you one last chance, Mr Bernard. However, given the despicable, depraved behaviour that you have displayed, I am only willing to move forward if you are willing to do the following:

  1. Make a full confession of your sins to me.
  2. Fill in an application form to join my church (because I believe that only in the arms of this church will you be able to truly atone for your dreadful sins).
  3. Make a donation towards my church’s ChildLine appeal. A donation of $50, although being a very small amount of money, would be adequate.

If you are willing to meet all three of those demands, I will be able to see that you are starting to atone for your sins and I will move forward with this transaction. If not, then you may as well stop emailing me right now, because I will not be sending you a single cent; I will move forward with Barrister Okeke instead. The choice is yours, Mr Bernard.

May the Great Prophet Noel protect all small children from the attentions of you and your ilk.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Your odious lawyer has let you down

Sent: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 21:34:55 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

I am very happy that you are back from your trip and all is not well because Mr Beaker keep insulting my lawyer and that is a bad behaviour from Beaker. But Mr Bernard told me that Beaker need his advice what he will do with rude pictures he find out when he is clearing out the old Verger’s in his office.

My lawyer is innocent of this allegation. The only advice Bernard gave him was that he will leave this matter until you return back so you have to ask Beaker?

Who is Barrister Okeke? What do you have to do with him? Please stop mailing him OK.

About that money Beaker say he send to Mr Bernard is invalid transferred from MoneyGram so carry out the transaction again. Below is the attachment MoneyGram receipt Beaker send to my lawyer.

May the Great Prophet Noel help you to carry out this transaction.

Yours,

Mrs Abacha


A copy of Beaker’s forged MoneyGram receipt was attached to Mrs Abacha’s email.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: Your lawyer’s guilt has been proved on the altar of the Great Prophet Noel

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 08:46:22

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Whatever despicable lies your lawyer may be telling you in an attempt to get himself off the hook, I know the truth: your lawyer’s guilt has been proved on the altar of the Great Prophet Noel.

You see, with the help of five of the strongest members of my congregation, I strapped Beaker to the altar on Monday afternoon and flogged him until his blood ran like a dark red stream down the aisle of the church. Towards the end of his punishment, Beaker confessed to me that your lawyer had sent him those pictures. Like me, Beaker is a man of the church. I know that there is no way he would dare to tell untruths in the house of the Great Prophet Noel. Therefore, your lawyer’s guilt has been proved beyond all reasonable doubt.

Mr Bernard’s disgraceful behaviour is truly beyond the pale. Nevertheless, I am a forgiving man – and the Great Prophet Noel is a forgiving God – and therefore I have decided to give Mr Bernard one last chance to repent. I have told Mr Bernard that I will only be willing to continue with this transaction if he will first do three things:

  1. Make a full confession of his sins to me.
  2. Fill in an application form to join my church.
  3. Make a donation of $50 towards my church’s ChildLine appeal.

If Mr Bernard is willing to do these three things, I will be willing to continue with this transaction, and I will also promise to do all I can to help rid him of his deviant sexual tendencies. If he refuses, I will refuse to have anything more to do with him – or with this transaction – and I will instead move forward with the lucrative business proposal that Barrister Okeke has kindly placed before me instead.

It is up to Mr Bernard now, Mrs Abacha. I am waiting to hear from him. The success of this entire transaction rests upon his response.

May the Great Prophet Noel prompt Barrister Bernard to do the right thing.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. As from the end of today, I will be away on church business until next Monday, and therefore will not be contactable until then.


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: I GOT WHIPPED BECAUSE OF YOU

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 08:56:09

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I am not happy with you because Reverend Murray found those pictures when he got back and he got very angry like I thought he would and I tried to explain but I got muddled and he would not listen and he locked me in my office and he got some men and they tied me to the altar and Reverend Murray whipped me to within an inch of my life as a punishment and it is all your fault.

Reverend Murray kept on yelling at me to confess my sins as he was whipping me but the pain was so bad that all I could do was scream but in the end I had to say something to get him to stop whipping me so I shouted out that you sent me those pictures because I thought that if I told him that he would stop whipping me and he did stop whipping me in the end after I told him that but not straight away because he was so angry.

This is the second time I have been tied to the altar and whipped in the three weeks I have been working for the church and I am not happy about it at all because my wounds from the first whipping had only just healed and now my back is a bloody mess again and this whipping was all your fault because you told me not to go to the police.

Reverend Murray is very angry with you now and he told me that he will only be willing to work with you again if you repent and if you join the church and if you make a donation to his charity and that if you do not then he is going to do some business with a man called Mr Bukkake or something like that and if he does that and stops working with you then I think that will serve you right for the rubbish advice you gave me that ended up with me getting whipped.

I have to go now because Curate Segg has just come in to change the dressings on the wounds on my back.

Thanking you for nothing,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Mariam Abacha

Subject: PLEASE SIR, GET BACK TO ME

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 11:53:16 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

See what Beaker send to me today, isn’t a right thing?

The Great Prophet Noel is my witness.

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: I GOT WHIPPED BECAUSE OF YOU

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 08:56:09

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I am not happy with you because Reverend Murray found those pictures when he got back and he got very angry like I thought he would and I tried to explain but I got muddled and he would not listen and he locked me in my office and he got some men and they tied me to the altar and Reverend Murray whipped me to within an inch of my life as a punishment and it is all your fault.

Reverend Murray kept on yelling at me to confess my sins as he was whipping me but the pain was so bad that all I could do was scream but in the end I had to say something to get him to stop whipping me so I shouted out that you sent me those pictures because I thought that if I told him that he would stop whipping me and he did stop whipping me in the end after I told him that but not straight away because he was so angry.

This is the second time I have been tied to the altar and whipped in the three weeks I have been working for the church and I am not happy about it at all because my wounds from the first whipping had only just healed and now my back is a bloody mess again and this whipping was all your fault because you told me not to go to the police.

Reverend Murray is very angry with you now and he told me that he will only be willing to work with you again if you repent and if you join the church and if you make a donation to his charity and that if you do not then he is going to do some business with a man called Mr Bukkake or something like that and if he does that and stops working with you then I think that will serve you right for the rubbish advice you gave me that ended up with me getting whipped.

I have to go now because Curate Segg has just come in to change the dressings on the wounds on my back.

Thanking you for nothing,

Beaker


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: Fwd: PLEASE SIR, GET BACK TO ME

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 12:13:41 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Thanks for your mail and Beaker told you a pit of lies against my lawyer Barr John Bernard so see a copy of the message OK, I have to say that the Great Prophet Noel is my lawyer’s witness and if you want to help me out send the money to him today before you will go to church business.

Thanks,

Mrs Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha

Subject: Stop trying to blame others for your own depravity

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 12:44:37

Mr Bernard,

What are you playing at? This is the second time you have forged an email and tried to pass it off as one sent by Beaker. Like me, Beaker is a man of the church, so I know that he would never write such a thing. By forging emails in this way you are only adding to your catalogue of sins.

What is worse, you have taken the Great Prophet Noel’s name in vain. Shame on you, sir.

Stop trying to blame others for your own depravity, Mr Bernard. If you want me to continue this transaction, you know what you have to do. Either you agree to satisfy my requirements, or I consider this matter closed.

May the Great Prophet Noel scourge you clean of your sins with His knout of vengeance.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: YOU HAVE GOT TO HELP ME GET AWAY FROM THIS CHURCH

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:29:16

Hello Mrs Abacha,

It is me Beaker again. You said the other week that you would help me to get away from this church but that I had to stick it out until the end of this transaction but I do not think that I can stick it out that long because Reverend Murray tied me to the altar and whipped me again on Monday and it was agony and it will take ages for the wounds on my back to heal again and Reverend Murray said that he was doing it for my own good but it did not feel like it was doing any good to me.

I do not think that I can stand being whipped again like that. This is a cruel church Mrs Abacha and I do not want to be a part of it any more. I do not think that the Great Prophet Noel is a god at all. I think he is just an evil man who is conning people into worshipping him and conning them out of their money and it is obvious to me but nobody else in the village seems to be able to see that.

If only your lawyer Mr Bernard and his personal assistant Mr Chidi Francis had not been so incompetent when they went to collect the money that I transferred to them then maybe this would all be over by now but your lawyer was incompetent and so things are dragging on and on top of that he gave me some very bad advice about some photographs I found and it was all his fault that I got whipped again.

I spoke to Curate Segg this morning about what would happen if anyone wanted to leave the church but Curate Segg told me that would not be possible because when you sign up for this church you sign up for life and what is more he told me that he had heard that the Great Prophet Noel has a crack squad of enforcers and if someone tried to leave the church they would end up sleeping with the fishes.

I want to leave the church but I do not want to end up sleeping with the fishes because my bedclothes would smell of fish and I do not like fish apart from battered cod so you have to help me get out of the church. I wish now that I had taken that job at the slaughterhouse because I might smell of guts all the time but at least I would not get whipped once a fortnight.

Please help me Mrs Abacha because you are my only hope and I am relying on you.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha

Subject: The choice is yours

Sent: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:44:11

Mr Bernard,

I am just about to leave Gypping in the Marsh for a few days. I will be travelling on church business. While I am away, perhaps you would like to consider your position.

As I have already said, I am willing to complete this transaction, provided that you agree to make a full, signed, written confession of your sins, to fill in an application form to join my church and to make a donation of $50 towards my church’s ChildLine appeal. Then, and only then, will I transfer the $3,000 to your personal assistant again.

What is more, if you are willing to do this, I am willing to provide you with whatever assistance I can to help you atone for your heinous sins. I will contact the Great Prophet Noel’s office and find out whether we have a representative of the church in Nigeria, and if we do I will be happy to arrange for him to visit you on a regular basis and administer however many ritual scourgings and excoriations are required to purge you of your sins.

If you are not willing to do this, I will simply forget about this business and move forward with that nice Barrister Okeke.

The choice is yours, Barrister Bernard: if you choose to do the right thing, you will be able to save both this transaction and your immortal soul in one fell swoop. If not, both this transaction and your immortal soul will undoubtedly go to Hell.

I hope to have received a positive response from you when I return on Monday.

May the Great Prophet Noel ensure that no small boys fall into your clutches between now and then.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please help me out

Sent: Mon, 11 Sep 2006 13:38:47 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Thanks for your update and I am very happy to hear from you again but all is well so try your best to complete this transaction with my Barrister John Bernard and I will donate one of my family houses to the Great Prophet Noel and I will be one of your representatives of the church here in Nigeria.

So send me the application form so that I will join the church as a member of the Great Prophet Noel.

May the Great Prophet Noel help us to complete this transaction. Amen! Amen!! Amen!!!

Mrs Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: Whether or not we proceed is entirely up to your paedophile lawyer

Sent: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 08:54:27

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for your email and for your kind offer to donate one of your houses to the church. I am sure that the Great Prophet Noel will be delighted at this news: he is always keen to add to the church’s ever-burgeoning property portfolio. Please send me further details of the property (design, layout, floor area, approximate value, etc) and I will pass the details on to the Great Prophet Noel’s office.

On top of this, I am overjoyed to hear that you want to join the church yourself. No doubt the prospect of spending an eternity in Hell for being a heathen has been preying on your mind. I have attached an application form to this email. Please print it out and fill it in, then scan it back into your computer and send it back to me by return. I shall expect to receive it from you tomorrow.

Speaking of the church, I am sorry to have to report that Beaker has been rather careless in his duties. I noticed upon my return to the church yesterday that a small plaster effigy of the Great Prophet Noel had been broken and had been very clumsily glued back together. I confronted Beaker and he readily confessed to having broken the statue while he was cleaning it. Naturally, I had to lash him to the altar and whip him again as a punishment.

I do hope he starts to buck his ideas up: given the number of times I have had to chastise him, my arms are starting to ache.

Now then, regarding this transaction. I have already told Mr Bernard that I will not be willing to carry on with this business unless he agrees to make a full confession of his sins, fill in an application form to join the church and make a donation of $50 towards my church’s ChildLine appeal.

So far, I have not heard back from him regarding this. Unless he responds positively to these demands (which are completely non-negotiable) I will be forced to drop this business and move forward with that nice Barrister Okeke instead.

It would pain me to have to do this, my dear lady. But this is what happens when you employ a lying, cheating paodophile as your lawyer.

The success of this transaction now lies entirely in the hands of your lawyer. Might I suggest that you take him to one side and have a word with him? In fact, why not print out an extra copy of the church application form and give it to Mr Bernard? That would save me from having to send him one.

I wish you the best of luck in trying to persuade your lawyer to do the right thing. I will be waiting to hear back from you. Oh, and don’t forget to send me details of this property, will you?

May the Great Prophet Noel use His holy cat of nine tails to curb your lawyer’s pederastic tendencies.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

The Church of Zeal or no Zeal application form
(Click to enlarge)


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE HELP ME OUT

Sent: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 13:42:02

Dear Reverend Murray,

I am very happy to hear that from you and about the property I will give you more details about it later.

Please try to carry on the transaction with my lawyer because he is already in Catholic church as a member of “Christian Father” in the church so he cannot join your church because of that OK and try all your best to help me out in this business.

Well, you have to resend the application form because the attached cannot open on computer so that I will join as a member of the Great Prophet Noel and I will fill it.

My Great Prophet try to understand my lawyer Barr John Bernard for his reason why he cannot join the church as a member of the Great Prophet Noel. All is well you can still help me out on this matter at hand.

Again who is Barrister Okeke?

Thanks,

Mrs Abacha


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