scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Retired Wing Commander IV
(part 2 of 2)


Click here to view the first part of this scambust.


From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Contact the attorney now with fees

Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 12:50:32 +0100 (CET)

Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus,

Thank you very much for your email and let me inform you that I cannot sign anything on the petition because I don’t have scanner which I will use in printing out the form meanwhile contact attorney CHINEDU ABEL now immediately you receive this email and make sure you send him the charges which is the needed fee so that he can start working towards the good JOB.

I will be expecting your email today telling me that you have sent him the money.

Your sister in Christ,

Mrs Kristin Gallaher


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL SAN

Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 03:57:41 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am in receipt of your mail and I am furious and disappointed in you as a person and for not appreciating the fact that I am a professional financial attorney and for the fact that I never ask for my legal charges before carrying out this duty does not mean that I am begging for your job or that I am a beggar as well.

I accept to do this job without asking for a dime because of MRS KRISTIN GALLAHER and not because of you as if I am begging you money or asking you to assist me in taking care of my family.

Do you realise that you are insulting me as a person and my profession?

Attached here are my credentials for your perusal, security and understanding and comply immediately as you are dealing with the right attorney.

Lastly, be informed that I was at the bank this pm and I was duly informed by the bank that they are only waiting for the anti-drug and terrorist certificate, power of attorney that will allow me to fully represent you to enable them to effect the immediate release of your approved funds.

Keep me posted with your payment information as I wait diligently.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS

Barrister Chinedu Abel’s forged passport
(Click to enlarge)

Barrister Chinedu Abel’s Legal Education certificate
(Click to enlarge)

Barrister Chinedu Abel’s Call to Bar certificate
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: What’s your problem?

Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 14:21:54

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Goats and monkeys man, what’s your problem? I send you a perfectly reasonable request – one that I’m pleased to see you’ve complied with at last – and you go and throw your bloody toys out of the pram!

I have to say, Chinudo, if you’re going to carry on being as damn prickly as this, I’m not sure that I want to hire you as my lawyer. My own lawyer, Welsby, is always the quintessence of calm. You could do with taking a damn leaf out of his book if you ask me.

Now then. Back to business. Thank you for sending me copies of your legal certificates. Damn impressive. As you seem to have been at the legal game for quite a few decades, I can only assume that you’re pretty damn experienced at this kind of thing. With this in mind, I’m willing to take a chance and take you on as my lawyer for this bit of business.

So Chinudo, it’s time to go to work. Get back to me as soon as you’ve got your hands on those certificates, will you? I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Were you aware that your damn passport’s out of date? Time to get hold of a new one if you ask me.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher

Subject: I’ve given Chinudo the go-ahead

Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 15:42:08

Dear Mrs Gallaher,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Damn shame that you don’t reckon you’ll be able to fill in that petition for me. Surely there must be a scanner of some sort in the hospital? I would have thought the doctors would need one to scan in copies of your medical notes... and copies of your death certificate when you finally pass on to the great aerodrome in the sky.

Do me a favour, dear lady. Ask your doctor if he’s got a scanner the next time he’s dosing you up with morphine and giving you a bed bath. I reckon if you ask around, you’ll find one somewhere.

Anyway, back to business. You’ll be pleased to hear that Chinudo sent me copies of some damn certificates as proof of his qualifications. Pretty bloody impressive stuff, I have to tell you. With that in mind, I’ve given him the go-ahead to get those damn certificates that we need for the money transfer to happen.

And there’s some more good news for you: Chinudo told me that he’d agreed to do the job “without asking for a dime”. What a nice fella he is. I wonder why he agreed to do the work for nothing? Maybe he felt sorry for you because you’re about to meet your maker. Well, whatever the reason, good for him. Damn good show and all that.

I’ll get back to you as soon as there’s more news. You look after yourself now, won’t you? We’re not out of the woods yet... not that you’ll be getting out of the woods at all if what your doctors have said is right, but there’s nothing we can do about that. No use crying over damn spilt milk, eh?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SEND THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 07:56:07 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am in receipt of your mail and I am still waiting for you to send the money so that I can proceed in proclaiming the needed certificates.

I wait for your Western Union payment details in your next email for onward action.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: I don’t understand

Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 17:32:11

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I don’t understand what you mean in your last email when you say that you’re “still waiting for you (ie me) to send the money”.

In your previous email, you said (and I quote) that you’d agreed “to do this job without asking for a dime”. And yet here you are, standing with your hand held out like this was some damn Red Cross aid drop or something.

What the blazes is going on, Chinudo? First of all you say you’ll do the job for nothing, then you turn around and demand money from me.

This is no way for a lawyer to behave. Explain yourself man.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: READ MY MAILS CAREFULLY AND COMPLY BY SENDING THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 12:00:33 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am in receipt of your mail and I am furious and disappointed in you as a person who cannot understand simple English. Listen and listen carefully what I mean by not asking for my legal charges before carrying out this duty is my effort done that is what I mean by legal charges?

I accept to do this job without asking for my effort done is because of MRS KRISTIN GALLAHER and not because of you as if I am begging you money or asking you to assist me in taking care of my family.

So in this regards I urge you to comply immediately by paying the anti-terrorist and money laundering certificate that will cost $2,320 and to obtain a power of attorney that will allow me to fully represent you is $1,275 and my airfare/welfare to the Central Bank’s annex in Abuja will be $370 so I am up and ready for your services totalling $3,965.

Send the money with the below information through Western Union money transfer for onward action and you must understand that without the needed $3,965 we cannot proceed in proclaiming the money from the paying bank so you are advised to act fast.

Receiver’s name: Chuka Ngenede

Security question: Chinedu

Answer: Abel

Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria

Keep me posted with your payment information as I wait diligently.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Mrs Kristin Gallaher

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Send him the money now and let me know once you send it

Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 07:46:49 +0100 (CET)

Dearest Friend in Christ Jesus,

Good morning to you and your family in the LORD? I received your email this morning and also from BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL and I was meant to understand through email this morning that you are to pay for the certificate which he is going to get for us please contact him immediately you receive this email like he said with the needed money so he can get things done today and keep me updated as soon as you send him the money.

I wait to hear from you telling me that you have sent the money.

Mrs Kristin Gallaher


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Don’t be so bloody rude, man

Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 10:24:46

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. How dare you talk to a potential client in such an insolent manner? Where the blazes do you get off, telling me that I can’t understand simple English? Has nobody ever taught you that you ought to address your elders and betters with a bit of bloody respect? Don’t be so damn rude, man. If there’s anything “simple” around here it’s not me, I can tell you that for nothing.

Now listen here, Chinudo, I still don’t understand what you’re playing at here. First of all you agree to do the job for nothing, then you change your damn mind and start demanding money from me. And now... “I never ask for my legal charges before carrying out this duty”... that’s what you told me yesterday. And yet here you are, contradicting yourself by demanding money from me upfront before you’ve actually done any bloody work. You’re not making any sense, man. Can’t you see that?

It was you who brought up the subject of beggars, Chinudo. Well I’d appreciate it if you could stop acting like one and start acting like a damn lawyer. I’ve never had problems like this with my own lawyer, Welsby. I’ll tell you something Chinudo, you need to do more than take a page out of his book. It seems to me like you could do with a whole bloody chapter.

Now kindly carry out the work I’ve asked you to do, and let’s have no more of this inane whining.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: READ MY MAILS CAREFULLY AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 05:44:43 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and I want you to understand that those certificates has to be procure from the High Court on Nigeria so be informed.

I also want you to be aware that without the needed funds I cannot proceed further in proclaiming the demanded certificates by the paying bank as doing so will be like kicking around the bush whereby at the end of the day nothing will come out of it.

Mr Gilbert Murray comply today by sending the money across to my office immediately you receive this email for onward action.

I will be expecting your Western Union details for onward crediting of your bank account.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: I don’t understand

Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 15:10:15

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Look here, it’s all very well you telling me to read your damn emails carefully. I’ve read them as carefully as I possibly can, again and again, and I’m still none the wiser about what the devil’s going on. You’re making about as much sense as a Welshman in full flow.

You obviously think you’re expressing yourself in plain and simple English. Well no offence meant, Chinudo, but take it from me that you’re not. I don’t know if it’s down to the fact that you’re a foreigner or down to the fact that you’re a damn lawyer – I know how you lawyers like to use impenetrable legal jargon to make yourselves feel superior to ordinary people like me – but the plain fact of the damn matter is that you’re not making yourself understood, do you hear?

Here’s what I don’t understand:

  1. You start off by telling me that you’re willing to do this job for nothing, then you turn around and ask me for money.
  2. You then tell me that you’re not going to act like a beggar and ask for money upfront, then you turn around and that’s exactly what you do.

Can’t you see that you’re contradicting yourself, man? Christ on a bike, your standpoint has had so many damn twists and turns over the past few days that it’s making me feel dizzy. It’s almost as if you’ve been drinking.

Here’s what I suggest you do, Chinudo: first of all, put down the damn bottle. Then, get your wits about you – a good strong black coffee might come in handy here – and write me an email in PLAIN AND SIMPLE English, explaining these damn contradications and telling me exactly what we need to do in order to move forward.

And let’s have none of that bloody legal jargon you seem so damn fond of using, like “the armbit of the law”. Write to me in plain and simple English for once so I can understand you, there’s a good man.

And snap to it, Chinudo. You seem to have forgotten that Mrs Gallaher isn’t a well woman, so there’s no time to waste.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. If you still find it difficult to make yourself understood, is there anyone else in your chambers with a better grasp of English?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher

Subject: I’m not very impressed with this Chinudo chappie

Sent: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 17:31:29

Dear Mrs Gallaher,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Trust that you’re still managing to keep one step ahead of the grim reaper. Ask not for whom the damn bell tolls and all that.

I have to say, my dear lady, I’m not getting very far with this Chinudo chappie. Damn fella keeps on contradicting himself: he tells me one thing in one email, and another in the next. I can’t work out if the fella’s confused, stupid, or drunk. Or maybe all three.

His atrocious command of the English language doesn’t help matters either. Watching him trying to explain himself in English is like watching an ineffective escapologist who works on his own: all the man does is tie himself in knots.

On top of that, he’s one of the rudest damn people I’ve ever come across in my life. The damn fella accused me of not being able to understand simple English. It’s no way for a lawyer to behave, I can tell you that for nothing.

We knew how to deal with people like that back in the RAF. Oh yes. If we were both back in the RAF I’d have Chinudo up on a charge of insubordination before he could say “the armbit of the law”. Feet wouldn’t touch and all that.

Anyway, this isn’t getting us anywhere. Are there any other lawyers we can use? Preferably one who has a better command of the English language.

Or can I not persuade you to give Welsby a try? His English is second to none, he doesn’t drink, and as far as I know, he’s never been rude in his life.

This is damn frustrating, dear lady. We need to do something. What do you recommend?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Get back to me immediately

Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 11:19:38

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Why the blazes haven’t you responded to my last email yet? What’s the reason for this damn delay?

There’s work to be done here Chinudo, and we’re not going to achieve anything if all you’re doing is rocking back in your wicker chair, flicking paperclips into your spittoon and fantasising about the contents of your secretary’s undergarments.

I’ve been extremely disappointed in your performance on this job so far, so you’ve got a lot of ground to make up. Get back to me immediately so that we can make some damn progress.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SEND THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY FOR ONWARD ACTION

Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:03:20 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray,

I have your mails and be informed that I cannot do anything unless I received the needed funds which is $3,965 before I can proceed forward with this JOB.

Send the money immediately you receive this email for onward action.

I wait to have your Western Union details in your next email for onward crediting of your account in United Kingdom.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Professor Charles C Soludo

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: TRANSFER UPDATE AS OF TODAY

Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:08:46 +0000 (GMT)

FROM THE DESK OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)

Attention: Gilbert Murray

Sir,

Your silence in this matter may be assumed as your unwillingness to continue, if you are still interested in the transfer of the fund, respond to this mail with the certificates to enable this office to sign off your payment voucher.

Yours respectfully,

Professor Charles C Soludo

EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Charles C Soludo

Subject: Hold your damn horses, man

Sent: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:54:14

Soduko,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Hold your damn horses, man. My “silence in this matter” may bloody well NOT be assumed as my “unwillingness to continue”.

The reason I haven’t been able to get back to you before now is that the lawyer Mrs Gallaher put me in touch with – that Chinudo fella – has turned out to be about as much use as a chocolate toasting fork. The damn fella’s been sending me confusing, contradictory emails all bloody week, and I’m still none the wiser about what I need to do in order to get him to shift his lazy backside and get to work.

I have to tell you, Soduko, Chinudo’s command of the English language isn’t helping matters. His English is more ropy than a damn lasso convention. Reading his emails reminds me of the stuff that my son Gilbert Jnr used to produce when he was about six years old.

Anyway, I’m determined to get this sorted out, so just you hang fire Soduko. I’m away for the weekend, but come next week I’ll get right onto this damn business and get it sorted out once and for all.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Let’s get on with this damn business

Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 09:21:47

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I’ve spent the weekend going back over the emails you’ve sent me. Now then, even though you’ve kept on contradicting yourself and you still haven’t managed to explain yourself fully to my satisfaction, one fact that I have managed to glean from your poorly-worded emails is that you need a bit of money off me before we can go any further.

Now let me make it plain to you, Chinudo. I’m still not happy with the performance you’ve put into this matter so far. However, I’m being hassled by that Soduko chappie at the bank, so for the sake of poor old Mrs Gallaher and to get the damn bank off my back, I’m prepared to put your past failings behind me and to do whatever it takes to move forward with this damn transaction.

So, I need to send you $3,965, do I? That’s over £2,000 in real money. Sounds rather a lot for the little bit of work I’m asking you to do, but then I know what you bloody lawyers are like. Add a bit to the bill here, bump up your expenses there... I’m a man of the world, do you see? I know what goes on behind closed doors. Not much gets past old Wing Commander Gilbert Murray.

Anyway, given the large amount of money that poor old Mrs Gallaher is donating to the England for the English campaign, I’m willing to overlook your no doubt dubious accounting practices. I’ll be able to recoup my expenses from the money she’s donating, do you see? But in return, I’ll be expecting you to pull your damn socks up and to improve your damn performance, do you hear? I expect to start getting some first class bloody service off you for that amount of money Chinudo, and don’t you forget it.

So Chinudo, what’s the best way to get this damn money to you? Shall I make out a personal cheque to you and pop it in the post? Will that do you?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SEND THE MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER NETWORK FOR ONWARD ACTION

Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 07:37:16 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and I want you to send the money through Western Union money transfer network with my secretary information below this email.

Receiver’s name: Chuka Ngenede

Security question: Chinedu

Answer: Abel

Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria

Send the money immediately you receive this email and scan and send to me your payment slip to enable my secretary to pick up the money immediately. Send the money today through Western Union money transfer immediately including your full mailing contact address where I can direct the documents as well.

Keep updated with your transfer slip to enable me to proceed in proclaiming the needed documents from the high court first thing tomorrow morning.

I expect your Western Union details in your next email for onward crediting of your bank account in United Kingdom.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: What’s all this about “Western Union”?

Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 16:05:15

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Thanks for the email. Am I right in understanding that you don’t want me to send you a personal cheque for the fees you want? Why the blazes not, Chinudo? Aren’t my damn cheques good enough for you? It’s not going to bloody well bounce, for God’s sake man.

To tell the truth, I’ve never heard of these bloody “Western Union” johnnies before. I’ve always placed my financial affairs in the hands of Bartletts, and I’ve never had reason to complain. Damn fine bankers, they are. I’d recommend them to anyone.

“Western Union”... it’s nothing to do with trades unions, is it Chinudo? Not sure I approve of them. Reds under the damn bed and all that. I’m alright Jack. Right lads, all out. Red Robbo. If you ask me Chinudo, it’s all a damn Cornish plot. They still haven’t forgiven us for the closure of their bloody tin mines, do you see?

Anyway, how do I go about transferring the money by “Western Union”, eh Chinudo? Can you give me any pointers?

While you’re at it, who the hell is this “Chucka Ngrenade” fella? Is he one of your lot? Another lawyer, is that it?

Ah, I see that the sun’s over the damn yardarm. About time too. Thirsty work, this international finance business. Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GO THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE IN YOUR COUNTRY SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE PAYMENT

Sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 11:05:47 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and you will find below in this email the Western Union money transfer network in your country.

Find your location through the website below in this mail so that you can go their office and make the payment.

http://www.westernunion.com/info/selectCountry.asp

Use the name of my secretary in the office to send the money immediately you receive this email and remember to scan and send to me your transfer slip.

I wait to have your payment information in your next email for onward action.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Bit of a problem

Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 12:22:11

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but there was a bit of excitement in the village this morning. Padraig McClusky, one of the chappies from the England for the English campaign, called round to tell me that a Cornish couple had arrived in the village yesterday and had booked themselves into the local hotel for a couple of nights. Well Chinudo, we can’t be having their types in the village. No sir, not on your damn life. You’ve got to nip stuff like this in the damn bud: if we allowed one Cornish couple to stay in the village, before too long we’d be overrun by the buggers.

There was no time to waste, Chinudo; instant action was called for. McClusky and I got straight to work assembling a small mob, then we went to the hotel and drove the blighters out of the village. They won’t be back in a hurry, I can tell you, and hopefully they’ll take home the message that their sort are not welcome in Gypping in the Marsh.

I don’t mind telling you that McClusky excelled himself, Chinudo. Given the limited amount of time we had to sort things out, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that he’d managed to organise some tar and feathers. We didn’t need them in the end; the pitchforks and burning brands were all the persuasion they needed. Damn shame really. We haven’t had a good tarring and feathering in the village for a few months now.

Now then, to business. I’ve had a look at that website you pointed me towards. Damn useful. Much obliged and all that.

However. Bit of a problem. According to the website, there isn’t a Western Union agent anywhere near here. Gypping in the Marsh is a bit remote, do you see? Off the beaten track and all that. According to that damn website, the nearest agent is over thirty bloody miles away.

Well Chinudo, I’m a busy and important man, and I can’t be wasting my time going on a sixty mile round bloody trip just to transfer some damn money to you. I’ve got a lot of important England for the English business to sort out over the next few days.

But nil desperandum Chinudo, my old mucker. I’ve just been chatting to the local baker, and he reckons that the local post office does something called “MoneyGram”, which he says is pretty much identical to Western Union. That’d be much more convenient for me, Chinudo.

So Chinudo, what do you reckon? Would it be OK if I sent the money to that Ngrenade fella via MoneyGram instead of Western Union? Let me know as soon as you can, there’s a good chap. Time’s moving on, and time and tide wait for no man, Chinudo.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Your secretary’s got a damn strange name. Sounds more like an instruction to a soldier than a damn legal secretary’s name. Expect if the man was in the RAF he’d be called “Dropa Nbomb” and if he was in the Navy he’d be called “Firea Ntorpedo”.

Bit of military humour there, Chinudo. No offence meant to your secretary chappie. Not his fault he’s got a damn silly name. I blame the parents.


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ADVICE/ACT FAST

Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 05:02:22 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and you are advised to go ahead to the MoneyGram office and make the payment with the below information:

Receiver’s name: Chuka Ngenede

Security question: Chinedu

Answer: Abel

Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria

Make sure you use the above correct name to avoid mistakes, scan and send me your transfer slip for onward action.

As I wait to have your MoneyGram control number in your next email.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: MoneyGram it is then

Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 14:02:33

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Glad to hear that sending the money via MoneyGram won’t present you with any problems.

I’m tied up with England for the English business this afternoon – I’m writing a damn speech for a rally we’re holding next week – but I’ll sort out this money transfer first thing in the morning.

I’ll get back to you tomorrow as soon as I’ve transferred the money to that Ngrenade fella. Hopefully you’ll then be able to get the damn ball rolling at your end.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AWAIT FOR THE SCANNED PAYMENT SLIP

Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 06:22:21 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and hereby resend you the name which you will use in sending the money to avoid mistakes in the spellings.

Receiver’s name: Chuka Ngenede

Security question: Chinedu

Answer: Abel

Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria

Once again I repeat scan and send me your transfer slip along with the control number to enable me to proceed further tomorrow morning.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: No need to worry, man

Sent: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 14:52:48

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. No need to worry about any mistakes, man. Mistakes and me go together just about as well as a horse and marriage, so don’t you worry your little head about it.

I’ll get back to you in the morning as soon as I’ve transferred that damn money to Ngrenade.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. No need to keep on sending me every bloody email twice. I’m not stupid, you know.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: I’ve transferred the money to your secretary

Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 09:21:55

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. A quick note to let you know that I’ve transferred the damn money to your secretary. I got to the bank as soon as it opened this morning, withdrew the $3,965, then went straight to the post office and made the transfer.

I’ll tell you something Chinudo, it’s not exactly a cheap way of transferring money from one place to another, this MoneyGram malarky. I had to pay $247 for the privilege of sending the money to your damn secretary. I hope you realise that’s a lot of money to a retired person like me, Chinudo. I’m going to have to scale down next month’s gin order now. Damn poor show.

Now then, the postmistress told me that your secretary would need the following information in order to be able to pick up the money at your end:

  • MoneyGram reference number: 84211635
  • Sender’s name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

All the rest of the information is exactly like you told me.

The postmistress gave me a receipt for the transfer, but I’ve not been able to scan it in; my damn scanner’s broken, do you see? But that shouldn’t be a problem. The postmistress told me that your man doesn’t actually need it to pick up the money.

Oh, you might like to tell your man to take along some ID when he goes to pick up the cash. The postmistress wasn’t sure if he’d need to show any or not, but better to be safe than sorry, eh Chinudo?

So, send your man down to your nearest MoneyGram agent as soon as you can, and let’s get to work on this damn transaction at last.

Get back to me as soon as the money’s safe in your hands, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher

Subject: I’ve transferred money to Chinudo

Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 09:24:17

Dear Mrs Gallaher,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Good news, dear lady: I’ve transferred that money to Chinudo. His secretary should be picking it up today. Now hopefully he can get off his backside and start doing some work at last.

How are you, my dear? I’ve not heard from you for a while. I hope you’re not dead yet. That’d be a damn shame.

Try to hang onto life for a little bit longer, won’t you? At least until this damn money’s been transferred. Do get back to me and let me know how you are.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: LOOK FOR WHERE TO SCAN THE PAYMENT INFORMATION FOR ONWARD ACTION

Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 01:54:04 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and the payment information, I hereby advise you to scan and send to me your transfer slip which is the receipt for more confirmation to enable my secretary to pick up the money from the MoneyGram office here.

I wait for the scanned payment slip.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Did you not read my last bloody email?

Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 10:05:22

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Did you not read my last bloody email? I’ve already told you that my damn scanner’s broken and that the postmistress told me that your secretary doesn’t need a copy of the receipt to pick up the money anyway.

Try reading my emails more carefully from now on, Chinudo. It’d save us all a bit of time and bother.

I’ve sent you all the information you need. Send your man to pick up the damn money and get back to me when it’s safely in your possession.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Has Ngrenade picked up the damn money yet?

Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 13:21:04

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What’s going on at your end, man? Has Ngrenade picked up the damn money yet?

Assuming that he has, how long do you think it’ll take you to get hold of those damn certificates we need?

Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good fella.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM UNABLE TO CONFIRM YOUR PAYMENT/SCAN THE PAYMENT SLIP NOW

Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 06:01:02 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mails and for more clarification be informed that the MoneyGram office here is unable to confirm your payment due to one problem or other.

Sir, you are only advised to scan and send me your transfer slip to enable the MoneyGram office to confirm your payment.

I am waiting for the scanned payment slip in your next email for onward action.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: I’ve managed to find someone with a digital camera

Sent: Wed, 18 Jan 2006 15:42:54

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What do you mean, “the MoneyGram office here is unable to confirm your payment due to one problem or other”? What problem, for God’s sake? I handed over a hell of a lot of money to MoneyGram this morning. They’d better not have lost it. That wouldn’t do at all, do you hear?

Anyway, I’ve been doing a bit of scouting around since this morning, and as luck would have it I’ve managed to borrow a digital camera, so I’ve taken a photo of the MoneyGram receipt. I’ve attached it to this email.

Now then Chinudo. I suggest you print it out, hand it to Ngrenade and get him to go straight back to the MoneyGram office pronto to sort out the problem.

Quick as you can, Chinudo. I don’t like the idea of my money hanging around in the bloody ether for any longer than it damn well has to.

Get back to me as soon as Ngrenade’s managed to sort out the problem.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Gilbert’s forged MoneyGram receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: What’s going on at your end?

Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 09:02:26

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What the blazes is going on at your end? Has Ngrenade picked up my damn money yet?

There’s work to be done here Chinudo. This is no time to be sitting on your corpulent backside. Get back to me at once and let me know what the damn situation is. At once, I say, do you hear?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOUR URGENT ATTENTION IS HIGHLY REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 02:56:22 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

In respect of your mail and for your urgent attention sir, be informed that my secretary was still unable to confirm your payment from the MoneyGram head office here in Nigeria due to some reason.

He was informed that your payment does not reflect to the MoneyGram paying system and I advise you to find any Western Union money network around you and send the money today because of the essence of time so as to avoid the presidency cancelling our payment due to delay.

You can make the payment by using Western Union online store if their office is far from your city.

Act immediately for our mutual benefits.

I am waiting for your urgent response with the Western Union payment slip.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: What’s the damn problem?

Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 11:23:46

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What’s the damn problem? What the hell are you and Ngrenade playing at over there?

Did Ngrenade take the receipt I sent you to the MoneyGram office with him? Why the blazes didn’t he pick up the damn money?

I’ll tell you something Chinudo, I’m not happy about this. Not happy at all. If what you tell me is right, it sounds as if my money’s stuck in the bloody system somewhere. That won’t do at all.

Listen Chinudo, I’m a busy man, so before I bother myself travelling all the way to the nearest bloody Western Union office, do me a favour and tell me exactly what happened when Ngrenade visited the MoneyGram office. I want to see if I can get to the bottom of this damn problem.

Get back to me by return, there’s a good fella.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THEY CANNOT FIND ANY MONEY ON THEIR SYSTEM/COMPLY BY GOING TO WESTERN UNION

Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 06:25:13 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and for more clarification in this matter, be informed that the office of MoneyGram here in Nigeria confirm the receipt you sent to me and also go through their system they couldn’t find any money.

Sir, you are to go back to the office you made the payment in UK and collect your money back and you are only advised to travel to any of Western Union money transfer network office in your country to make the payment immediately to avoid more delay. Below is the information once again:

Receiver’s name: Chuka Ngenede

Security question: Chinedu

Answer: Abel

Address: 20 Burma Road, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria

Scan and send to me your Western Union transfer slip for onward action.

I wait for your Western Union money transfer payment slip in your next email.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: This is infuriating

Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 15:08:03

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. This is infuriating, Chinudo. Damn infuriating, do you hear?

Sorry to hear that you and Ngrenade have been having problems over there. At first I naturally assumed that the problems you were facing were as a result of your own damn incompetence, but from what you’ve been telling me, it sounds as if it’s all MoneyGram’s fault. Well, you live and learn.

Anyway, I’m heading off to the post office right away to cancel that damn transfer I made yesterday. Don’t you worry Chinudo, I’ll get to the bottom of this. I’ll get back to you once I’ve sorted everything out.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 16:10:55

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Good news, Chinudo. I’ve sorted out the problem. And what’s more, I didn’t have to travel sixty bloody miles to transfer the money via Western Union.

I went back to the post office this afternoon and I explained to the postmistress that you and Ngrenade were having problems getting your hands on the money I’d transferred to you. Well, the postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the middle of upgrading their damn computer hardware. This has apparently resulted in what she called “internet connectivity” problems. I’m not entirely sure what the hell that means, but apparently mine isn’t the only damn transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. Apparently these problems meant that although my transfer was in the system, it wasn’t showing up on your local agent’s computer system.

Damn poor show if you ask me, Chinudo. But not to worry; it turns out that this isn’t a problem. Apparently there’s a simple solution. The postmistress told me exactly what your local agent needed to do to access details of the transfer and gain access to the money. Apparently your agent just needed to initiate procedure MG-RV8 on their computer system, entering the reference number of the transfer that I gave to you. This procedure apparently gives the agent access to all transfers that have got “stuck” in the system.

The postmistress was damn surprised that your local agent hadn’t done this already: apparently it’s standard bloody procedure for MoneyGram agents when things like this happen. She even showed me the procedure in her MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. She said to me that if your local agent hasn’t heard of procedure MG-RV8, they probably don’t know their damn job very well. She suggested that your local agent probably needs some bloody on the job training.

Anyway, the postmistress assured me that if you and Ngrenade went back to your local MoneyGram agent and told him to initiate procedure MG-RV8, you’d be able to pick up the money instantly.

Well Chinudo, that’s all well and good, but seeing as we’ve had problems already with the transfer I made yesterday, I insisted that the postmistress cancelled that damn transfer and made another one. So that’s what she did.

So Chinudo, here’s where we stand. I’ve cancelled the original transfer and made a new one. I’ve attached a copy of the new receipt to this email. All you need to do now is to get Ngrenade to go back to the MoneyGram agent with this new receipt and pick up the money. Might be best if you go with him, what with you being a damn barrister and all that. And if the MoneyGram agent tells you that he still can’t see the money, just tell him to initiate procedure MG-RV8.

If I was you, I’d also tell the useless bugger to learn how to do his bloody job a bit better. His lack of knowledge about MoneyGram’s procedures has wasted your time, Chinudo. And more importantly, it’s wasted mine too.

Get back to me as soon as you and Ngrenade have collected the damn money.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Gilbert’s second forged MoneyGram receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU/WHY YOU CANNOT LISTEN?

Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 00:07:30 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mails and the scanned payment slip which turns to be come a wrong one this morning because I went to the MoneyGram office this morning to find out all about this problem and I was told by the MoneyGram office here in Nigeria that they cannot find any money on with the information you sent me.

Sir, I am totally disappointed in you because I told you to go the nearest Western Union money transfer network in your country to make the payment which you never did. WHY?

Sir, I want you to go back to the MoneyGram office in your country where you made the payment. Ask them to return your money back so that you can go direct to the Western Union money transfer and make the payment of the $3,965 for onward action.

Scan and send me your Western Union money transfer slip for more confirmation as I wait for the real information not wrong information.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: What the bloody hell are you and Ngrenade playing at?

Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 09:21:39

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. What the bloody hell are you and Ngrenade playing at over there? I’ve transferred money to you twice in the past few days and on both occasions you’ve completely failed to collect it. What is wrong with you, man?

I’m trying to conduct an important business transaction here, but I’m being frustrated at every damn turn by you and that other clown Ngrenade. What is your problem, Chinudo? How difficult can it possibly be to collect money from a damn MoneyGram agent?

Did you tell the MoneyGram agent to carry out procedure MG-RV8 like I told you to do? You can’t have done: if you had done, you’d have my money in your hands by now.

And what the hell do you mean, telling me that the payment slip I sent you was “a wrong one”? What the hell is “wrong” about it? All I’ve done is send you the receipts that I was given by the postmistress. If anything’s “wrong” around here Chinudo, it’s the way you and Ngrenade are managing to foul up this transaction.

Listen here, Chinudo. I’ve already told you that my nearest Western Union office is a sixty mile round trip away. I’m far too busy and important to waste my time travelling all that way just because you and Ngrenade are too bloody useless to conduct a simple MoneyGram transfer.

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to go back to the post office, I’m going to cancel the second transfer I made, then I’m going to go to the bank to see if they can suggest a better way of getting the damn money to you. Preferably one that you and Ngrenade won’t be able to cock up.

As for you, I’d thank you to stop blaming me for your own inadequacies. For God’s sake, stop whining like a spoiled little kiddie who’s just soiled his damn pants, and start taking responsibility for your own damn cock-ups.

I’ll tell you this for nothing, Chinudo. All this damn carry on is doing nothing for my damn blood pressure. Now then, I’ll get back to you when I get back from the bank.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONTACT YOUR WESTERN UNION OFFICE IN YOUR COUNTRY NOW

Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:36:16 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and I am advising you to comply immediately by sending the money through the Western Union money transfer network for onward action.

Contact your Western Union money transfer office in your country so that we can conclude this project today and have our money transferred into your bank account in United Kingdom.

Keep me informed with your Western Union money transfer slip.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: I’ve transferred the money via Western Union

Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 10:52:28

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. You’ll be glad to hear that I’ve calmed down a bit now. I have to admit that it made my damn blood boil, reading earlier about how you and Ngrenade had managed to mess things up yet again.

Anyway, that’s all behind us now. I’m writing with good news. I went to the post office this morning and cancelled the MoneyGram transaction – the postmistress was at a loss to explain why you and Ngrenade hadn’t managed to pick up the money – and then I went straight to my bank to see if they could suggest anything.

Well, I explained the situation to my bank manager, Nat West. He’s a damn fine chap – you’d like him, Chinudo – and he came up with the perfect bloody solution.

I’ve told you that my nearest Western Union agent is thirty miles away. But that doesn’t matter, because apparently my bank has got into bed with those Western Union johnnies. I didn’t realise it before, but it turns out that I can transfer money via Western Union directly out of my damn bank account, using Western Union’s new Consolidated Universal National Transfer System.

This is good news all round, Chinudo. I didn’t have to travel sixty miles make the damn transfer, and you can collect the money from your nearest Western Union agent, just like you wanted.

More good news: I took my scanner apart last night and gave it a damn good clean. I managed to get all the damn offal out of its innards and I managed to get it working. So I’ve managed to scan in the Western Union receipt that I got from the bank.

Now then. As well as having to show some form of damn identification, Ngrenade will also have to answer a test question. To make things as easy as possible for you – and God knows I need to – they’re the same ones I used when I transferred the money via MoneyGram.

Right Chinudo. Snap to it. Get back to me as soon as you’ve collected the money. And let’s have no more bloody cock-ups from your end, do you hear?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Gilbert’s forged CUNTS receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU ARE JOKING WITH ME

Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 06:25:13 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and I want you to understand that the Western Union head office here in Nigeria cannot confirm your payment and I also want you to know that the payment slip you sent to me is not a Western Union payment slip so be informed.

Send me your direct telephone number where I can contact you and you are also advised to confirm with me your real Western Union transfer slip.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: What the devil are you on about man?

Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 14:45:03

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I’ve just read your astonishing email. Actually, seeing as you sent the damn thing to me twice, I’ve just read it twice.

I have to say Chinudo, even after reading your email twice I’m still at a loss to understand what the devil you’re on about. How dare you accuse me of “joking” with you? Have you been drinking?

I’ve told you before, I’m a busy and important man, and I’ve got far better things to do with my time than to waste it “joking” around with asinine advocates like you. I’m trying to conduct a serious business transaction here, Chinudo. One worth millions of dollars. You might think that this is some kind of game, but it’s no damn joke to me, I can assure you.

And what the hell are you on about, telling me that the Western Union receipt I sent you “is not a Western Union payment slip”? Well what the hell else do you think it is?

My bank manager told me that this Consolidated Universal National Transfer System farrago was quite new. I suppose it’s possible that it’s not been implemented yet in your neck of the woods. Expect you’re not the first to get these new damn technologies over there. Maybe that’s the problem... I don’t bloody know.

Listen Chinudo, this is the third time I’ve transferred money to you and Ngrenade, and this is the third time you’ve completely failed to collect the damn money. I’m at a loss as to what to do next. There must be some way of getting the money to you that you and Ngrenade can’t cock up. You know your own limitations. Have you any suggestions?

This is getting tedious, Chinudo. Get back to me with a concrete suggestion by return before I get sick of this entire bloody caper and start looking for a lawyer who doesn’t act as if he was dropped on the damn head as a child.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THIS IS NOT A WESTERN UNION PAYMENT SLIP OK

Sent: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 10:19:17 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail and you are advised to comply by visiting the Western Union office and pay the charges as demanded.

Send to me your telephone number where I can call you for more information and make sure you send to me the full Western Union payment slip for onward action.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: I’ll sort things out Chinudo

Sent: Sat, 21 Jan 2006 08:41:44

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I’m still bloody mystified about what the hell is going on here and why your local Western Union johnnies are telling you that the receipt I sent you isn’t a Western Union receipt. I’m telling you Chinudo, Bartletts have a faultless reputation and they’ve never let me down in all the years I’ve been banking with them. I can only assume that the Consolidated Universal National Transfer System is too new to have reached your neck of the woods. Are things a bit backwards where you are? Well it’s either that or your Western Union agent doesn’t know how to do his bloody job.

Anyway, once again I see that you’re leaving it up to me to sort things out. I suppose if I want old Mrs Gallaher’s money to be transferred into my bank account, I’ve got no damn choice.

So here’s what I’ll do. Come Monday morning I’ll go back to the bank and cancel that Consolidated Universal National Transfer System transfer I made to you. I’ll then get the Morris Marina out of the garage, don the old driving gloves and set off for my nearest Western Union office so that I can make a traditional Western Union transfer.

How’s that for you? Do you reckon you and Ngrenade will be able to cope with a standard Western Union transfer without messing things up? Eh, Chinudo?

I’ll get back to you on Monday when I get back from the Western Union office.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT ATTENTION

Sent: Sun, 22 Jan 2006 23:20:24 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mail this morning and I want you to make sure that you confirm your real payment information before writing me this morning because I wouldn’t be able to reply to your mails because I have a lot of job to attend to today.

Confirm your real payment information and stop joking with me.

I wait to have your Western Union details.

Yours faithfully,

BARRISTER CHINEDU ABEL (SAN)

EQUITY CHAMBERS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Western Union receipt attached

Sent: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 15:16:47

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I’ve just got back from a long drive to my nearest Western Union agent, where I transferred that damn money to you via a standard Western Union transfer. I’ve scanned in the damn receipt and attached it to this email.

All the details you and Ngrenade need to collect the damn money are on the receipt, apart from the test question and answer, which are as follows:

Test question: No more what?

Answer: Cock-ups

I have to tell you, Chinudo, I’ve been extremely unimpressed with your performance so far in this damn transaction. I wasted a lot of time last week thanks to you, making new transfers and cancelling old ones, and all because you and Ngrenade were incapable for some reason of carrying out the simple act of picking up my damn money.

I’ve very nearly had enough of this Chinudo, do you hear? If anyone’s been “joking” around here, it’s been you and Ngrenade as far as I can see. Now then, I expect to start seeing some real action out of you this week. So, I’d be grateful if you and Ngrenade could stop acting like a pair of damn kiddies playing in a sandpit and start acting like the pair of professionals which you claim to be. Let’s see some bloody proof of it for once, eh Chinudo?

Now then. Start as you mean to go on. You and Ngrenade scurry off to your local Western Union agent at once and get back to me as soon as the damn money’s in your hands. And look sharp about it, man. I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Remember, Chinudo: NO MORE BLOODY COCK-UPS, do you hear?

Gilbert’s forged Western Union receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Have you collected the damn money yet?

Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 10:17:21

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Well, how are things going over there? Have you collected the damn money yet?

I went to a lot of trouble yesterday to transfer that money to you. The least you can do is to get back to me and let me know what the situation is, do you hear?

Poor old Mrs Gallaher must be going spare, worrying over this damn transaction. And that won’t be doing her any good, will it? I mean the old bird’s dying already. The last thing she needs is you and Ngrenade fouling things up and giving her even more to worry about.

Get back to me at once, Chinudo, and give me an update on the damn situation.

Try to get back to me before lunchtime, there’s a good fella. Quite apart from the fact that there’s probably a better chance of catching you sober if you get back to me in the morning, I’ll be busy this afternoon. I’m visiting a friend’s club, do you see? This Turkish chappie I know is a member and he’s signing me in as a guest. I’m thinking of joining myself – it’ll be somewhere to get away from the damn wife for a few hours – and I want to check out the facilities. Make sure they’re all shipshape and Bristol fashion. Make sure there are no Cornish members, that sort of thing.

Actually, thinking about it Chinudo, you’ve been wanting to call me. Well my damn telephone’s still out of order, but if you wanted to give me a ring and chat about this damn transaction, you could probably get hold of me at the club this afternoon. Let me know if you think you think you’ll be needing to call me, and I’ll get the number off my Turkish friend.

Get back to me as soon as you can. I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU ARE NOT A SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN/DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN

Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 02:49:23 -0800 (PST)

Attention: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I have your mails and I want to let you know that the Western Union head office here in Nigeria informed me that you did not make any payment with the information which you provided me with. WHY?

WHY are you playing a game?

I am not happy with you and do not contact me again because this is my last email to you. I have told you to send me your direct telephone number where I can contact but you refuse. WHY?

Do not contact me again?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Call me: we need to sort this out

Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 11:06:52

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I’m speechless, Chinudo. I could barely believe my eyes when I read your damn email. What the bloody hell are you and Ngrenade playing at over there? I travelled sixty bloody miles yesterday to transfer that money to you, and now you’re telling me that you can’t get your hands on it for some reason.

What the blazes is going on over there? What is wrong with you, man? Can’t you do anything right?

I did have one thought. The Western Union agent told me that Ngrenade would have to show some form of ID when he went to pick up the money. If his passport is out of date – like your is – maybe that’s the reason why your Western Union agent won’t hand over the damn money.

While we’re on the subject, have you applied for a new passport yet Chinudo? Damn shoddy, letting it expire like that if you ask me.

Anyway, we need to sort out this damn mess that you’ve left us in, and I reckon the only way to do this is for us to talk, man to man. Like I said, my own phone is still out of order – damn that telephone company – but I’ll be at my Turkish friend’s club this afternoon, so you could call me there.

What do you say, Chinudo? I can’t see any other way of digging ourselves out of this damn hole you’ve dropped us into. Let me know if you’re free to give me a call this afternoon and I’ll get hold of the club’s telephone number and send it on to you.

Get back to me at once, man. At once, I say.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Chinedu Abel

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I NEED THE NUMBER NOW

Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 04:22:32 -0800 (PST)

I need the number now.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Call me in an hour at the club

Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 13:31:48

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. I’ve been in touch with Youssouk Maddic, that Turkish fella I was telling you about who’s taking me as a guest to his club this afternoon.

According to Maddic, the number of the damn club, Kandy’s, is xxxx xxxxxx.

I’ll be there in an hour from now. Call me then and let’s sort out this damn thing once and for all.

By the way, as I’m only a guest at the club this afternoon, Maddic reckons that the receptionist, Miss Hoare, won’t know who I am if you ask for me. So ask Miss Hoare for my friend Youssouk Maddic when you call. She’ll put you through to Maddic, and he’ll put you onto me.

Looking forward to talking to you at last, Chinudo. Let’s hope you acquit yourself better on the damn telephone than you do over email.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


The telephone number is that of a rather dubious-sounding “massage parlour”...


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chinedu Abel

Subject: Call me at once, God damn it

Sent: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 15:49:55

Chinudo,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Why the hell haven’t you called me yet, for God’s sake? I’ve been waiting here in the club for your call for ages now: you were supposed to call me an hour ago.

Maddic told Miss Hoare to expect a call for him as soon as we arrived, and she’s been looking out for your damn call ever since. But according to Miss Hoare, nobody’s called and asked for Maddic all afternoon.

She did say that she got a call a bit earlier from some sleazy-sounding foreign type who slurred his words and sounded as if he’d been at the damn bottle all day. That wasn’t you, was it Chinudo? Miss Hoare told me that she’d found it damn difficult to understand this foreign chappie, but that he’d propositioned her in a most offensive manner. Was that you, Chinudo? Have you been drinking again, man?

For God’s sake Chinudo, we need to get this damn business sorted out once and for all. I’ll give you one last chance. Put down the bottle and call me here at the club immediately, or I’m taking my damn business elsewhere.

And mind not to offend Miss Hoare this time. She was damn shaken by that last phone call she had. If that was you, you should be ashamed of yourself Chinudo, do you hear?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mrs Kristin Gallaher; Cc: Chinedu Abel; Professor Charles C Soludo

Subject: I’ve given up on this whole damn business

Sent: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 09:24:14

Dear Mrs Gallaher,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here. Sorry old girl, but I’m writing to tell you that I’m giving up on this whole damn business. Sorry if this leaves you in the lurch and all that, but I feel as if I’ve got no bloody choice in the matter.

It’s that damn fool lawyer Chinudo that you put me in touch with, do you see? The man’s a complete bloody imbecile. We’ve made absolutely no bloody progress at all in the time I’ve been dealing with him. The man’s incapable of carrying out the simplest act without having his bloody hand held all the way through. It’s been like dealing with a damn kiddie.

I’m surprised the man’s a lawyer at all, to be perfectly honest. I’d always thought that to be a lawyer you had to have an IQ that’s at the very least larger than your damn shoe size. But this Chinudo chappie seems to have all the mental acuity of a bloody dung beetle.

Talking of dung, I reckon sweeping it off the streets would be a much better career for him. He’s much better suited to it if you ask me. My dog would make a better hash of being a lawyer than Chinudo... and he’s dead and buried at the end of the bloody garden.

Well, dead lady (oops, sorry, slip of the damn finger: I meant to say “dear lady”... mind you, you will be a dead lady before too long, so no matter), I’ll sign off here. Damn shame that Chinudo wasted all that bloody time, and all for nothing. Oh well, such is life. I received a damn attractive proposition from some chappie called Abacha yesterday, so I’ll be following that up. He at least sounds like he’s got more than two brain cells to rub together.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


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