In which Gilbert is contacted by a dying millionnaire who wants to distribute his remaining fortune to charity... with 10% for Gilbert, of course. Seeing as Gilbert has lost all of his orphanage’s money on the horses again, this offer has come at exactly the right time for the poor little orphans of Saint Bunty’s.

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray – Director of Saint Bunty’s Home for Parentally-Challenged Children.
Hassan Mohammed – allegedly a dying millionnaire.
James Coker – allegedly Mr Mohammed’s barrister.

From: Hassan Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FOR THY LORD

Sent: Tue, 21 Jun 2023 07:10:42 +0000

Dear Friend,

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

My name is Hassan Mohammed, a merchant in Dubai in the UAE. I have been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. It has defiled (sic) all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul, so I have decided to give also to charity organisations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organisations in the UAE, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organisations in Bulgaria and Pakistan, but they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contented with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars ($18,000,000) that I have with a finance/security company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and despatch it to charity organisations.

I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.

God be with you.

Hassan Mohammed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: Regarding your email

Sent: Tue, 21 Jun 2023 16:13:08

Dear Mr Mohammed,

I have just read the email that you sent me earlier today. My immediate reaction when I read your email was to feel sorry for you, given the hopeless medical situation in which you currently find yourself. But then I read that you don’t want people to feel sorry for you. So I won’t. Reading what you have said about the selfish and avaricious way in which you have lived your life up until now made it even easier not to feel sorry for you. To be frank, Mr Mohammed, you sound like you must have been rather an unpleasant man to know.

However, by the sound of things, you are more than making up for that now: you are to be congratulated for the charity and generosity you are showing in your twilight years. Well done to you sir.

I’m not quite sure what prompted you to write to me on this matter – perhaps you came across my interview in Ideal Orphanage magazine last year – but I think I may be able to help you out. You see, I am Director of Saint Bunty’s Home for Parentally-Challenged Children, a large orphanage which is funded entirely by charitable donations. We are constantly searching for new sources of funding – Saint Bunty’s is an old building, and its maintenance is expensive – and if you would be willing, I would like to suggest that you donate this money to the orphanage.

Over a hundred poor little orphan boys and girls would be eternally grateful to you for such an act of munificence and magnanimity, Mr Mohammed. If you feel that you would like to use your money in this way, please let me know and I will happily send you one of our prospectuses, which will explain a bit more about Saint Bunty’s and the good work that we do here.

I look forward to your positive response.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Hassan Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I GOT YOUR MAIL

Sent: Wed, 22 Jun 2023 16:15:04 +0100 (BST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

I am most grateful for your mail, and I seize this opportunity to thank you for your response and to also let you know that this transaction is no joke and is a straightforward and legal transaction. I am somebody with a conscience. If this transaction was in any way illegal, I would tell you straight away so that you know what is involved and decide for yourself. But it is not like that at all, and you will later see and understand that.

I hope you were not too embarrassed by my first email to you since you do not know me. I had no option since my immediate and extended family in and outside Dubai in UAE refused to distribute my funds because they want to keep it to themselves. I didn’t know how to move the funds out and despatch it to charity organisations, so I resulted to putting fate to test and making a random contact. I have decided to introduce my plight and this transaction to you.

I am communicating with only you at this moment with regards to this transaction. And I would not have any cause to do otherwise, except you state your intention to withdraw your assistance.

These funds are presently in a private security and holding firm in London.

I cannot claim these funds myself as a result of:

I am under going medical treatment. It has defiled (sic) all forms of medicine, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so I have decided to give alms to charity organisations and homes, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

It is for these reasons I am seeking for your assistance to stand as the beneficiary to the fund and contact my lawyer who will work out the process for you to retrieve it on my behalf and despatch it to charity organisations.

All the necessary documents required to get the funds out of the security firm are in my possession and I will be sending them to you after we must have come to a conclusion and reached an agreement, not before.

I need you to give me your words that you will be very honest and straightforward with me when the money gets to you, so long as you can execute this transaction successfully and help me despatch it to charity organisations.

Thus, I would need you to get back to me on the following issues:

That you are in a position to be trusted as a God fearing person with such a large amount of fund and despatch it to charity organisations.
That you are ready to sign a letter of guarantee with me clearly stating the terms of this transaction, including your percentages and despatching the remaining funds to charity organisations, that you fulfil your promise of despatching my funds to charity organisations so that I am assured that the money would be safe in your hands even when I am at the gate of the Almighty.
That you are willing to contact the security company to discuss the terms of releasing the funds.
That you fully understand this transaction up to this stage and you are ready to proceed under the draft constitution I have prepared for charities that may be set up.

As soon as I receive your reply that you are ready to proceed under these terms, then I will furnish you with all the documents and also the details of my lawyer so that you will contact him to work out the process of your claiming the fund with the company, and despatch it to the charities.

But if you have any questions up to this stage, please ask as my life is too short.

Thanks for your mail. Your mail has relieved me and I pray to Almighty ALLAH with his infinite mercy to reward you. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it now. I want you to pray for me so that God would forgive me and be merciful to me and accept my soul.

Please reply to me on this email for security reasons: hassan_moha88@yahoo.co.uk.

May God bless you,

Hassan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: Thank you for getting back to me

Sent: Thu, 23 Jun 2023 09:42:57

Dear Mr Mohammed,

Thank you for getting back to me. I can fully understand why you want my assurance that I will be honest and straightforward with you regarding this transaction: with such a large amount of money at stake, you will want to be sure that you are entrusting it to a dependable and reliable person.

I am more than happy to give you that assurance, and I will be happy to sign any letter of guarantee that you should wish to draw up, to set in stone the terms of our agreement and to cement our partnership.

Am I right in assuming that you will be content for your money – or the majority of it, at least – to be donated to the orphanage that I manage? Saint Bunty’s is a registered charity and finding the money to keep the place going has been a constant battle ever since our previous benefactor, Lady Godiva, died two years ago following a fall from a horse. To make matters worse, public donations have almost dried up as a result of some adverse publicity that we suffered early last year regarding the manner in which a previous Director, Mr Bumble, ran the orphanage.

All this means that the finances of the orphanage are in a parlous state. I have to admit that I have made a number of somewhat unwise investment decisions over the past year which have not helped matters: I handed over a large proportion of the orphanage’s funds to Ladbroke’s and William Hill, hoping for a quick return on my investments. Unfortunately, this was not to be; I have a habit of backing the wrong horse.

At the moment, Mr Mohammed, I calculate that there is barely enough money in the orphanage’s coffers to pay the bills and the wages of the staff for another two or three months. After that, if we have not managed to find another source of funding, I am afraid that the orphanage will have to close, and we will have to throw all of the poor little orphan boys and girls out onto the street.

Obviously, I cannot let this happen, and this is why my heart skipped a beat when I read your kind offer. Mr Mohammed, thanks to your generosity, I can now see a way to save Saint Bunty’s from closure.

Please therefore get back to me as soon as you can so that we can move forward with this business.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Hassan Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Contact My Lawyer

Sent: Thu, 23 Jun 2023 14:18:07 +0100 (BST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thank you very much for your heart warming mail. I will not allow the Saint Bunty to close down. My friend, you have to have faith in God. It is Him that directed you to me. I prayed that he send to somebody that will use to touch the lives of many people and he sent you to me.

As I read your mail I have hope that if I die today my money will be in good hands. My condition is getting worse and I will be going for an operation this week so I want you to be in constant communication with my lawyer, Barrister James Coker. He will help you with the documents you will be needing to claim the money from the holding house.

His details is below:

Name: Barrister James Coker

Email: jamescoker76@lawyer.com

I have forwarded your last mail to him so he is expecting to hear from you.

Regards,

Hassan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: I will contact your lawyer immediately

Sent: Thu, 23 Jun 2023 14:54:50

Dear Mr Mohammed,

Thank you for your email. You may – by your own admission – have led a life of greed and selfishness, but you are more than making up for it now with this uncommonly generous offer. I salute you, Mr Mohammed. You are an example to us all.

I am extremely distressed to hear that your condition is worsening. I do hope that the doctors will be able to prevent you from shuffling off this mortal coil for at least as long as it takes for us to conclude this transaction. It wouldn’t do at all if you were to kick the bucket before everything was signed, sealed and delivered.

I will pray for you, Mr Mohammed. What is more, I shall instruct all of the poor little orphans at Saint Bunty’s to include you in their daily prayers.

I assume from what you have said in your emails that you are a Muslim. I am a Christian myself, as are all of the poor little orphan boys and girls at Saint Bunty’s (we did have a young Muslim boy join us a couple of years ago, but we soon beat that out of him and he’s a good Christian now). Anyway, I’m sure that the fact that we will be praying to a different God to yours will not detract from the power of our prayers.

Thank you for sending me details of your lawyer. I will contact him immediately.

Please remain strong, Mr Mohammed. My thoughts are with you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Coker

Subject: Regarding the unfortunate Mr Hassan Mohammed

Sent: Thu, 23 Jun 2023 15:28:16

Dear Mr Coker,

I am writing to you regarding the unfortunate Mr Hassan Mohammed. As you will be aware, Mr Mohammed contacted me recently and asked for my assistance in distributing his remaining fortune of eighteen million dollars to charitable organisations before he dies.

After due discussion, Mr Mohammed has agreed to donate the eighteen million dollars (minus a 10% cut that I will be taking for my trouble) to the orphanage that I run.

Mr Mohammed has asked me to contact you in order to make all necessary arrangements for the transfer of the fund into my hands. Please get back to me by return and let me know what we need to do.

I look forward to working with you on this matter.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: I have heard nothing from your lawyer

Sent: Fri, 24 Jun 2023 13:41:30

Dear Mr Mohammed,

How are you today, my dear fellow? I trust that you are managing to hang on to life.

I contacted your lawyer, Mr Coker, yesterday, as you asked me to. However, I have heard nothing back from him as yet, which I find rather surprising. I can appreciate that he is probably a very busy man, but given your somewhat tenuous grip on life, I would have thought that he would be treating this case as a matter of urgency.

Perhaps you could contact Mr Coker and impress upon him how dangerous any delays could be in this business: we don’t want you dying before the money has been transferred into Saint Bunty’s coffers. I am sure that a word from you would urge the man to action.

I expect to hear from Mr Coker later today.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. All the poor little orphan boys and girls prayed for you this morning at our daily assembly. Are you feeling any better yet as a result of our prayers?

From: Hassan Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Check your mail

Sent: Fri, 24 Jun 2023 22:36:24 +0100 (BST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Compliments of the day to you.

I hope all is well with you and everybody over at the orphanage home.

My lawyer just wrote me he said that he has replied to your mail so check your mail well and reply him.

I have to go and rest now.

Regards,

Hassan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: Mr Coker has still not been in touch with me

Sent: Sat, 25 Jun 2023 09:10:25

Dear Mr Mohammed,

Thank you for your email. Despite what your lawyer may have told you, I can assure you that Mr Coker has still not been in touch with me. Please contact the man and ask him to email me as soon as possible: I am keen to make some progress.

Actually, I’ve just had a thought. If Mr Coker turns out to be unreliable, I could always have a word with my own lawyer, Welsby, and see if he could help us out in this business. He’s a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. He also charges extremely reasonable fees.

Welsby’s got the sharpest legal brain I’ve ever come across. He proved invaluable the other year after an unfortunate incident involving a candle that I had accidentally left burning in the boys’ dormitory just underneath what turned out to be an extremely flammable curtain, and a locked bedroom door. It was all rather unfortunate.

Happily though, Welsby worked wonders in the law courts: not only did he manage to get all charges against me dropped, I am sure that he would also have been able to persuade the judge to award me costs against the bereaved families... had there been any families to have been bereaved. Obviously, with the children being orphans, there weren’t.

Anyway, I can’t recommend Welsby highly enough. Let me know if you’d like me to contact him, my dear fellow. I am sure he would be able to help us out if Mr Coker doesn’t buck his ideas up.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Hassan Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Get serious

Sent: Sat, 25 Jun 2023 10:14:13 +0100 (BST)

Dear friend,

Happy weekend. Below is what Barrister James Coker sent to you:

From: James Coker

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Mr Hassan’s Lawyer

Date: Fri, 24 Jun 2023 02:58:31 -0500

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Mr Hassan Mohammed just mailed me he said that I should handle all the paperwork on your behalf. To this regards you are requested to send the informations below so that I can prepare the documents that will make you the beneficiary to the funds in the holding house.

Your name in full.

Your address in full.

Your phone number.

A valid identification card.

You are requested to act fast. I hope you know Mr Hassan Mohammed’s health is getting worse by the day and he wants this foundation to start in his lifetime.

I will be having a meeting with the officials of the holding house today. Immediately I conclude with them I will update you on developments.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister James Coker

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: Thank you

Sent: Sat, 25 Jun 2023 11:32:27

Dear Mr Mohammed,

Thank you for sending me a copy of the email that Mr Coker sent to me. I have examined my computer and I can see what has happened now: my email software assumed for some reason that Mr Coker’s email was spam, and automatically filed it away in my Bulk folder for deletion. Perhaps you should suggest to Mr Coker that he should get himself a new email address?

Unfortunately, your email has arrived too late for me to do anything about it today: I am going to be away for the rest of the weekend. However, I can assure you that I will send Mr Coker the information he needs as soon as I return to the orphanage on Monday morning.

I would like to wish you a pleasant weekend. Well, as pleasant as it can be when you’re at death’s door. I will get back to you as soon as I have made some progress with Mr Coker.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Coker; Cc: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: Regarding the assets of Mr Hassan Mohammed

Sent: Mon, 27 Jun 2023 09:27:52

Dear Mr Coker,

I emailed you last week regarding the assets of Mr Hassan Mohammed, which he has generously agreed to donate to the orphanage that I run.

Although you apparently replied to me last Friday, I did not actually receive your email, as my email software assumed for some reason that your email was spam, and automatically filed it away in my Bulk folder for deletion.

I can’t think why an email from a respected lawyer such as yourself should be treated as spam – a glitch in the software, perhaps – but could I ask you to get yourself a new email address so that this does not happen again? We’re going to find it very difficult to work on this transaction if all of the emails you send me are automatically filed away alongside all of the trashy spam emails I receive, offering me cheap mortgages, cheap drugs and cheap penis enlargements.

Anyway, to business. You asked for my full name and address. Here they are:

Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK

You also asked me to send you “a valid identification card”. You may be unaware of this, but Britain does not currently have a system of identity cards (although the government is currently planning to introduce such a system in the future). Therefore I don’t actually have an ID card to send you. I trust that this will not be a problem.

Please get back to me as soon as you can – using an email address that my computer does not think is spam, if you would – and inform me of the steps we need to take to transfer Mr Mohammed’s fortune into my possession.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: James Coker

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Fill this form today

Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2023 08:10:37 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

The attachment contains form C2 from ABN AMRO BANK, AMSTERDAM, THE NETHERLANDS. You have to fill it today and send it back to me so that I can travel to Holland to start with the transfer of the money to your account.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister James Coker

The international re-routing application form
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Coker; Cc: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: Thank you for sending me the form

Sent: Tue, 28 Jun 2023 09:24:10

Dear Mr Coker,

Thank you for sending me the form. Thank you also for changing your email address: I am happy to report that the email you sent me today arrived safely in my inbox, unlike the one you sent me last week using your old email address.

I am just off to hold this morning’s assembly, at which I am going to demand that all the poor little orphan boys and girls pray especially hard for the wellbeing of Mr Mohammed. Hopefully the weight of their combined prayers will ensure that he will be able to hang onto life until his money is safely in the coffers of Saint Bunty’s.

I have to hold a staff meeting after assembly, but I will attend to the form you sent me as soon as that is over. I will do my best to get it back to you today.

I must say, Mr Coker, I didn’t realise that you were going to have to travel all the way to Amsterdam for the purposes of this transaction. How different the jetsetting life of an international lawyer is from that of a humble country orphanage director.

While I am on the subject of travelling, I must inform you that I am going on holiday this Friday: my wife and I are going camping in the far north of Scotland. Unfortunately, this means that I will be unavailable from this Friday until I return to work on Monday 11th July. Hopefully (with the help of the orphans’ prayers) Mr Mohammed will be able to last out until then.

I will get back to you as soon as I have completed the form.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Coker; Cc: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: Your form

Sent: Tue, 28 Jun 2023 12:12:51

Dear Mr Coker,

Please find attached the form that you sent me earlier today, which I have completed. I trust that everything is in order; please let me know if not.

So, what is our next step? Presumably you can now make arrangements to travel over to Amsterdam. When are you planning on travelling?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

The completed international re-routing application form
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: An update on the situation

Sent: Tue, 28 Jun 2023 12:14:33

Dear Mr Mohammed,

How are you, my dear chap? I haven’t heard from you since Saturday, and I am starting to get worried. Are you alright? Did your operation go well? Please let me know how you are.

All of the poor little orphan boys and girls prayed for you especially hard at this morning’s assembly. I thought you would like to see the text of the prayer that we said this morning on your behalf. I wrote it specially for you:

Oh God, answer our prayers and look towards your stricken son Hassan Mohammed,

Who isn’t very well at all at the moment,

Bless Mr Mohammed for the kindness and generosity that he is showing towards us poor little orphans,

And take some time out of your no doubt busy day to try and heal his ailing body,

Even though he is a Muslim and not a member of the Church of England,

Because that is not really his fault,

So please don’t hold it against him,

Please God, do your best to keep him alive for a little while longer,

At least until his money is safe and sound in the orphanage’s bank account,

And then you can feel free to take him into your loving arms,

Or hand him over to Allah, whichever is appropriate,

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory,

For ever and ever,

Amen.

I must say, Mr Mohammed, leading the poor little orphan boys and girls in prayer for you was a touching moment. I am not ashamed to admit that a tear came to my eye.

Anyway, back to business. As you will have seen, Mr Coker sent me a form which I have filled in and sent back to him, so it looks as if we are making good progress.

Unfortunately, I am due to go on holiday with my wife this Friday, so I will be unavailable from Friday until I return to work on Monday 11th July. I shall instruct the poor little orphan boys and girls to pray for you in my absence and I have ordered my deputy, Mr Jackson, to ensure that they do not stint in their pleas to the Lord. Hopefully this will keep you going until I return from my holiday.

Do get back to me and let me know how you are, my dear fellow. I am extremely worried about you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: James Coker

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I will update you

Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2023 13:24:34 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

I will be leaving to Holland soon to conclude the transfer. You will be updated.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister James Coker

From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Coker

Subject: Re: I will update you

Sent: Tue, 28 Jun 2023 13:43:36

Dear Mr Coker,

Thank you for your (admittedly somewhat brief) email. I am pleased to hear that you appear to have everything under control.

Saint Bunty’s was fortunate enough to receive a sizeable donation from a generous benefactor today in the post. I am feeling lucky, so I am planning to make the most of the fine weather and enjoy an afternoon at the races. Hopefully I will be able to at least double the size of the donation that we received by the end of the afternoon.

I shall be leaving the poor little orphans in the capable hands of my deputy, Mr Jackson, who will make sure that they keep themselves out of trouble this afternoon. Having had their lunchtime gruel, they are all hard at work in the orphanage yard now with their usual afternoon tasks: oakum-picking and rock-breaking. You know what they say: the devil makes work for idle hands to do.

Wish me luck, Mr Coker. Do get back to me as soon as you have any news.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Coker

Subject: I am getting worried

Sent: Wed, 29 Jun 2023 15:10:58

Dear Mr Coker,

Have you heard from Mr Mohammed at all recently? I have not heard from him for days now and given the state of his health, I am getting worried about him. Do you know if he is alright? I do hope he hasn’t gone and died on us. That would be terribly inconvenient.

You told me yesterday that you were travelling to Holland soon to conclude the transfer. I would appreciate it if you could give me some idea of when you think everything will be sorted out. I had rather an unlucky day at the races yesterday and that has not helped matters regarding Saint Bunty’s bank balance, so I am keen for things to move forward as fast as possible.

Please get back to me by return with an update on the situation, and with any news you have on Mr Mohammed’s current state of health. I will be waiting here by my computer to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: James Coker

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FUCK YOU

Date: Wed, 29 Jun 2023 19:05:29 +0100 (BST)

FUCK YOU.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Coker

Subject: What unmannerly language for a lawyer to use

Sent: Thu, 30 Jun 2023 09:19:51

Mr Coker,

Dear me, sir, what unmannerly language for a lawyer to use. If I ever catch any of the poor little orphans using language like that, I wash their mouths out with soap and water. Obviously whoever brought you up did not have the foresight to do the same thing with you when you were a child. If I were there with you now, I would wash your mouth out with soap and water myself.

I must say, I am not prepared to continue doing business with a foul-mouthed oik such as yourself. Have you no manners, sir? Most lawyers I have met are sufficiently cultured to be able to express themselves without having to resort to foul language like that. Perhaps you are somewhat lacking in the mental capacity department. Tell me, Mr Coker, were you dropped on the head as a child?

I have a good mind to report you to the Bar Association of Dubai, or wherever you claim to practice law from. You’re a disgrace to your profession, Mr Coker. With language like that, perhaps you ought to consider changing your job to something more suitable: a goatherd, perhaps.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: I have reconsidered your offer

Sent: Thu, 30 Jun 2023 09:53:44

Dear Mr Mohammed,

As a result of your failure to respond to my emails and your lawyer’s foul mouth, I have to tell you that I have reconsidered your offer, and I have decided to turn you down.

I had thought of honouring you by naming the new toilet block that we are planning to build at Saint Bunty’s after you, so that every time the poor little orphan boys and girls evacuated their bowels they would be reminded of you. However, this is no longer to be.

Who knows... as you haven’t responded to my emails for days, perhaps you are already dead. Just in case you are not yet dead, I do hope that you don’t have to suffer for too much longer. With this in mind, I would like to wish you a very speedy death. I only wish there was something I could do to bring it closer.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: James Coker

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What unmannerly language for a lawyer to use

Date: Thu, 30 Jun 2023 12:16:25 +0100 (BST)

FUCK U AND UR poor little orphans.

From: Hassan Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have reconsidered your offer

Date: Thu, 30 Jun 2023 12:44:42 +0100 (BST)

FUCK U

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed; Cc: James Coker

Subject: A suggestion

Sent: Thu, 30 Jun 2023 13:56:11

Mr Mohammed,

There was me hoping that you’d been spared any more suffering, but I see to my dismay that you are not yet dead. What a shame.

If I may make a suggestion, you could always speed matters up and prevent any further suffering by slitting your throat with a large kitchen knife. While you’re at it, why not slit Mr Coker’s throat too, before you kill yourself? You’d be doing everyone a huge favour.

Gilbert Murray

PS. Seeing as your IQ is obviously significantly smaller than your shoe size, here’s a tip that you might find useful. Use the sharp end: the blunt end is the handle.

From: Hassan Mohammed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: A suggestion

Date: Thu, 30 Jun 2023 16:12:18 +0100 (BST)

Fuck u loser.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Hassan Mohammed

Subject: You are a shining wit

Sent: Thu, 30 Jun 2023 16:36:02

Mr Mohammed,

I have to say, my dear chap, it is rare indeed to come across someone with a command of the English language such as yours. As Reverend Spooner would no doubt say, you are a shining wit.

Much as I would love to continue this email conversation and revel in yet more of your sophisticated and urbane repartee, I have better things to do with my time than converse with dimwitted fraudsters like you.

I shall instruct all of the poor little orphans to pray constantly for your imminent death.

Gilbert Murray