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The Professor of EconomicsIn which Gilbert’s attempts to assist the wife of the former President of Liberia go disastrously wrong, and in which he learns that finding your way around Holland using a roadmap that was published in 1974 is somewhat difficult. Cast of characters
From: Jewel Taylor To: Gilbert Murray Subject: I BEG OF YOU Sent: Tue, 29 July 2023 19:11:17 +0800 Dear Sir, I Beg You In. With all sincerity and humility, I am Jewel Taylor, the wife of the deposed President of Liberia, former African colony of the United States of America. I write you this proposal based on the fact that I need your aid to relocate to a safe haven my husband’s personal funds and effects, namely 2kg weight of diamond stones and 14 gold bars with $2.4 million, all deposited in a safety deposit box in a financial institution which will be later disclosed to you upon your offer of acceptance. The lives of myself and my children are at risk ever since my husband engaged himself in this rebel of a thing in my country which later saw him as the President of my country. We have currently been offered political asylum in the Federal Republic Of Nigeria by its President, Olusegun Obasanjo, which will confine us to its shores for the rest of our lives. I have been guaranteed safety by the United States government and that of the Nigerian government by a meeting held with both presidents, President George Bush of the United States and that of the Nigerian President on the 10th of July 2003 at the just concluded Leon Sullivan Summit held In Nigeria. What you may hear of my husband should you decide to verify may not be of a good report but he has learnt his lesson the hard way and what I do now I do for the sake of my two daughters and son whom I pray to God in order not for them to suffer for the sins of their father. I am prepared and willing to consider your price for aiding me in this matter and will welcome your conditions to the best of my abilities. Upon my arrival in Nigeria I will provide you with a phone line in which I can be reached as it is not possible for me to make long distance calls from my place of confinement except I do it a few blocks away if the necessary need arises. View this site to see a picture of me: https://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2963086.stm. I look forward to your prompt response. Yours sincerely, Jewel Taylor From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: I BEG OF YOU Sent: Tue, 12 Aug 2023 17:35:22 Dear Mrs Taylor, I must apologise for the delay in responding to your email – I have been out of the country travelling on business and have not checked my personal email account for a number of weeks. I feel honoured that you decided to send me an email. It is hard to believe that I have received an email from the wife of one of the most egregious men in Africa today, but such is the nature of the shrinking world in which we live. I have heard the occasional report on the news about your family’s plight. I have to say that it truly touched my heart. To be doomed to live in freedom in Nigeria for the rest of your lives in such abject luxury must be difficult, having ruled an entire country. Even one like Liberia. I would certainly like to help you in any way I can. Please send me details of how I can do so. I look forward to hearing from you. Regards, Gilbert Murray From: Jewel Taylor To: Gilbert Murray Subject: MY RESPONSE TAYLOR Sent: Wed, 13 Aug 2023 20:49:23 +0800 Dear Mr Gilbert Murray, Compliments to you. Thank you for your response to my mail. I will be very grateful if we can work this out as I must confess I was not optimistic that I can get a reliable individual that will offer to assist me in this project, considering the amount of scam mail that pervades the internet these days, but I know that in spite of all this, this medium happens to be the only way out of my situation. Consequently this project requires from you a lot of commitment in the sense that it will require you to travel to the location of the financial institution for official clearance and signing of release/claim documents. You will also have to make sure that all its contents are intact and providing a safe haven where it can be lodged pending I make further arrangements for the disbursement. Once I can get your word on this, I will commence the process with you, handing over to you the necessary co-ordinates and proper instructions as to how to go about it. Kindly confirm to me if this is OK by you as you will be responsible for your air fare, tickets, hotel bills, administrative charges etc, which will be treated as refundable from the cash deposit in the consignment or a form of compensation from the stones. I officially pledge to you the sum of $1 million, apart from other minor expenses which you may incur during the course of this project, which will be refunded to you in full. Please bear in mind that this has to be kept close to your heart, just as it is to mine, as any word out once I commence with you officially can ruin the whole process due to where the location of the consignment is. I will be waiting for your response to this issue. Yours truly, Mrs Jewel Taylor From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: I would be honoured to help you Sent: Wed, 13 Aug 2023 17:30:53 Dear Mrs Taylor, Many thanks for your email. I am deeply moved by the situation that you and your family find yourselves in. I feel it my duty to do everything I can to help you regain possession of your husband’s personal funds and effects, regardless of how he may have obtained them in the first place. However, I do not expect you to bestow such a responsibility upon someone about whom you know nothing. I shall therefore give you some background information on myself to reassure you that you are dealing with someone you can trust completely. I am an economist by profession. I know from what I have read about you, Mrs Taylor, that you too are a trained economist, which is partly what attracted me to your email. Having made profitable use of my knowledge of economics in a variety of transnational corporations, I am now employed as a Professor of Economics at the University of Cleethorpes. My life in academia is a quiet one, without the cut and thrust of today’s business world, but it is one that I enjoy. Teaching others the intricacies of economics is a fine occupation. As luck would have it, I am in an excellent position at the moment to be able to help you in your plight. The University is currently closed for the summer holidays and I am spending my days marking my students’ essays and planning next year’s courses. I therefore have plenty of free time to spare on this project, and will be able to travel to the financial institution you mentioned at the drop of a hat if required. Do not worry about my financial commitment either – as you know, professional economists can earn a good deal of money, and the fruits of my years of work for companies such as British Petroleum and General Motors have enabled me to set myself and my wife Elizabeth up in a grand house in the remote but beautiful Lincolnshire village of Gypping in the Marsh, with a fine-sized nest egg in the bank. Now, to the matter of payment. You say in your email that you are willing to pledge to me the sum of one million US dollars plus expenses, but your first email also mentioned fourteen gold bars and two kilos of diamonds. If you are willing to throw in a gold bar for myself and a handful of diamonds for my wife, you have a deal. Please let me know if this is acceptable. I hope that this email has convinced you that I am a man you can trust. I shall keep this matter completely private, as you requested. I am an English gentleman, so my word is my bond. Perhaps, in return for my help, you will also be able to help me in a small way. While marking my students’ essays, I occasionally come across the odd economic conundrum that taxes me somewhat. It will be good to be in contact with another trained economist like your good self who will be able to help me solve such philosophical problems. I trust it will be no problem if I “bounce” the odd idea off you? On the subject of economics, whereabouts do you stand – are you a proponent of Friedmanite economic policies, or do you lean more towards the theories of Milton Keynes? I broadly class myself as a Keynesian myself. From what I have read in The Economist about the way in which your husband ran Liberia’s economy, I am assuming that he is an advocate of Dick Turpin’s law of economics. Well, the first half of Turpin’s law, anyway. I look forward to hearing how we can move this matter further, my dear lady. Please pass on my most heart-felt regards to your husband and family. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Jewel Taylor To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: I would be honoured to help you Sent: Thu, 14 Aug 2023 19:38:55 +0800 Dear Sir, Thank you for your mail. Economics has been a passion for me and I am happy that in that regard, we are like minds. Understandably, I have become a little rusty as the times have not permitted as constant a look in as may have been possible. I thank you for your understanding and pledge to work with me. As you may be aware, we just arrived in Nigeria and we will try to do the best we can considering the circumstance. My fears that I may not be able to co-ordinate this transaction have been founded, as I have discovered that all our call are monitored which also is understandable, though highly irritating. The consignment is in Amsterdam, in a safe deposit house. Its name is INTERCONTINENTAL SECURITIES AND COURIER SERVICES INC. Visit www.interseccouriers.com. As I had made out earlier, as soon as we harmonise and tie up all loose ends, you may then proceed to Amsterdam, armed with the documentation and information I will give you, and proceed to retrieve the items on my behalf. This will take hopefully, one working day. I wholeheartedly accept for a few of the diamond necklaces to become a gift for your wife. I have had the wisdom to before now liase with a prominent attorney who has excellent recommendation and track record and who has been briefed about the transaction. I have called him at the receipt of your mail and briefed him extensively and has advised that he take over the whole transaction on my behalf, henceforth considering the situation. He is PHILLIP ADABA (SAN). He is presently on a working visit to Switzerland and will be glad if you may call him upon receipt of this mail so that if the logistics are okay, you may both meet before he comes back to Nigeria. He may be reached on 41792699211. Please do call him so that he may liase with you on the way forward. I have also taken liberty to pass over your contact information to him, and he may also contact you. Thank you for your care and concern and look forward to meeting you soon. Jewel Taylor From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Further information Sent: Thu, 14 Aug 2023 11:59:31 +0000 Dear Sir, I am Phillip Adaba, attorney to Mrs Jewel Taylor. She has contacted me and briefed me about a possible co-operation in a transaction she has proposed to you, and has briefed me to carry on from this point until a safe conclusion. Be assured everything is OK and since we have received your intention to be of help, we assure you that your participation will not bring you into any disrepute. As earlier stated, the funds are presently in the custody of a holding house in Amsterdam, Holland (see www.interseccouriers.com). If all arrangements work out between us, we will file for a change in the ownership of the consignment and put the documentation in your name, or give you a power of attorney, as may be directed by INTERCONTINENTAL SECURITIES, so you may assume full ownership. We will then perfect an arrangement, where you can come forward to claim the consignment. In this regard, we will need you to scan and send to us by email, your current international passport or a valid drivers licence, or any other form of valid identification for obvious reason. As soon as this is received we will then begin to change the documentation to your favour and as soon as that is completed, it will be time for you to begin arrangements to be in Amsterdam, where you will be required to come to sign for the release of the items. At this stage it will be wise for you to confirm your interest by sending by email the needed information (valid identification). However, if it will make you more comfortable , as I think it will, we may talk, before you do send any information. A percentage accruable to each party I understand has been mutually agreed to and all expenses as may be incurred will be treated as refundable. All questions and inquiries will be treated urgently. Please try and keep it very confidential. I can be reached 24 hours on 41.792.699.211, as I am currently having some meetings in Switzerland, pending my return to Nigeria. I await your urgent response for us to move forward. Best wishes, Phillip Adaba From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: Further to your email Sent: Thu, 14 Aug 2023 12:55:10 Dear Mrs Taylor, Thank you for your email. I am pleased that you have accepted my offer of help, and also pleased that you have agreed to my request regarding the handful of diamonds. I am not a greedy man, but Mrs Murray is particularly fond of diamonds – and having two kilos of them yourself, you must know how she feels. However, I note that you did not mention the gold bar that I requested. I trust such a small request will not prove to be a sticking point between us? I am keen to obtain the gold bar, not for its intrinsic worth, but because I feel that using a solid gold ingot as a doorstop will provide Mrs Murray and myself with a marvellous talking point at parties. So, the consignment is in Amsterdam? A charming city. I visited Amsterdam on many occasions in my youth for one reason or another, before I met the future Mrs Murray. It will be a pleasure to revisit some of my old haunts in the city. I have just received an email from your attorney. I must say, Mrs Taylor, I find the fellow rather too forward. We are still at the stage of negotiating my payment, yet this chap seems to be charging ahead like a bull at a gate. I have told the fellow to hold his horses for the moment, while we conclude our negotiations. Pardon me for mixing my metaphors, by the way. I am delighted to hear that you and your family have moved to Nigeria. It must be a very exciting time for you. I know what you women are like when you move into a new home. I imagine you’re spending all your time fussing over catalogues, choosing carpets, curtains and suchlike. Mrs Murray spent absolutely weeks choosing the curtains for our lounge when we moved into Hemlock Cottage – she was determined to find a pair with precisely the right shade of green to match our three-piece suite. I imagine you’re also finding that everything you need is packed away in a box somewhere or other. Here’s a tip – get the children to help with the unpacking. It keeps them out of mischief, and they might enjoy it. I do hope that you have moved into a pleasant neighbourhood. Mrs Murray and myself live in a sleepy little village, which is charming and very quiet. I do so value my peace and quiet – I feel that it does wonders for one’s state of mind. I hope your new neighbourhood is similarly peaceful and that you are not bothered by the noise of traffic, inconsiderate neighbours, or hostile mobs screaming for your repatriation to Liberia. In my last email, I mentioned that as I mark my students’ essays, I occasionally come across the odd economic conundrum. I came across one such problem earlier today, and I would very much appreciate your learned opinion on the matter. My student is arguing that Robinson’s third law of acquisition is in conflict with the generally-accepted view that the profitability-over-time curve of the labour market must remain inflexible in periods of high inflation. What do you think – does the student have a point? I look forward to hearing from you, confirming that my remuneration will include the gold bar, and with your opinion on my economics query. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Further information Sent: Thu, 14 Aug 2023 13:56:30 Dear Adaba, I am in receipt of your email. Hold your horses, man. Myself and Mrs Taylor are currently engaged in negotiations relating to my remuneration for helping her out in this instance, and we are not yet ready to proceed. I will contact you when we are ready to move forward. Until then, do nothing. Regards, Gilbert Murray PS. There is no need to send me emails more than once. I received two copies of your last missive, which I found extremely irritating. Kindly desist. From: Jewel Taylor To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Thank you Sent: Fri, 15 Aug 2023 02:19:01 +0800 Dear Sir, I am sorry my attorney may have upset you. He was acting on my instruction for a speedy conclusion. The question of the gold piece should not be a problem. I accept that you get it at the end of the transaction. I advise that we proceed accordingly if we have concluded the area of remuneration. Regards, Jewel Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Thank you Sent: Thu, 14 Aug 2023 20:47:52 Dear Mrs Taylor, Thank you for your brief email, in which you agreed that my remuneration should consist of one million US dollars, one gold bar and a handful of diamonds, plus expenses. I am pleased that we have managed to come to an equitable arrangement. However, before we continue with this business, we still have to agree on the attorney that we are to use. You have suggested Mr Phillip Adaba. However, given his recent precipitate conduct (charging in like a bull at a gate while we were still at the stage of reaching agreement on payment), I am not sure that I am happy to proceed with this chap. I have used the same lawyer in all my business transactions for over twenty years – Mr Welsby, of the local firm Elton & Welsby – and trust the man to the hilt. He is thoroughly decent and honest, and also charges a very fair fee. He provided Mrs Murray and I with an excellent service during the purchase of Hemlock Cottage. Given the poor impression that your selected attorney has given me so far, I would much prefer to use the services of Mr Welsby. I trust that this is acceptable to you. Unless I hear otherwise from you, I shall contact Mr Welsby on Monday and ask him to swing into action on our behalf. I trust you will be able to brief him thoroughly on the business in hand. On another matter, I am rather hurt, Mrs Taylor, that you did not deign to help me out with the economic query I raised in my previous email. This is no way for a trained economist to behave – have you forgotten the solemn pledge you took as you received your economics degree and joined the worldwide brotherhood of economists? Are you about to renege on your promise to “always be there to help my fellow economists in their time of need, in sickness and in health, until death us do part”? Surely for someone with your training and experience, it is not too much to ask to expect your help on such a relatively simple matter? Please, Mrs Taylor, give me your valued opinion – do you think that Robinson’s third law of acquisition is in conflict with the generally-accepted view that the profitability-over-time curve of the labour market must remain inflexible in periods of high inflation, or not? I look forward to your response. Please give my kindest regards to your husband and family. Best regards, Gilbert Murray PS. I trust that you have decided by now on which colour curtains you are going to put up in your new house. If not, may I humbly suggest terracotta? It is very warm, and tends to complement most other colours. From: Jewel Taylor To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Thank you Sent: Fri, 15 Aug 2023 16:49:34 +0800 Dear Sir, Thank you for your mail. I am happy we have agreed on the percentages and all. It is appreciated. I have implicit respect and regard for Mr Adaba as he has proved himself over the years and insist that I use him in this transaction, especially as I can meet him physically and have issues ironed out. I must confess that in business, we may not have to like the individuals concerned, but can still conclude a business arrangement. I think we can in this situation, your dislike for Mr Adaba not withstanding. I am yet to settle in and it is giving us very little time for other things here. I will want to appeal to you that we go on to the business at hand and conclude soonest. Seeing that we have agreed on the percentages, we are ready for the project proper and wish that if you intend to continue, I will pass on relevant information to you. please advise. I await your earliest response. From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: I am anxious to proceed Sent: Fri, 15 Aug 2023 13:58:41 Dear Jewel (may I call you “Jewel”?), Thank you for your email. I am afraid that in assuming that I dislike Mr Adaba, you have misunderstood me. I have not yet met the man in question and have only received one email from him – to dislike a person on the strength of a single email would be to jump to conclusions. I merely expressed my disquiet over the way in which the man seemed to want us to run before we can walk. In my opinion, a business deal is like a meal – the more time spent over its preparation, the more successful the results. To run into this deal willy-nilly with our trousers still round our ankles would be silly. You obviously trust Mr Adaba, and I respect that. I am sure that a woman in your position would not place your trust in the hands of a mutton-headed buffoon. Therefore, although my instinct is still telling me to move forward with the eminent Mr Welsby, I am willing to trust you, dear lady, and put this Mr Adaba to the test. However, before I can agree to using Mr Adaba, I will need to know more about him. Please provide me with full details of his qualifications, at least two references on his conduct and performance from past clients, details of his charging structure, and preferably a photograph of the man in question. With such a large amount of money at stake, I must feel absolutely secure about Mr Adaba before I go any further with this business. I trust that you can appreciate my caution, my dear woman. As soon as I have received this information, I will be more than ready to put myself at your disposal and work tirelessly for the recovery of your husband’s valuables. I am already looking forward to visiting Amsterdam – if my memory serves me correctly, there was a particular bar down near the docks where the women were especially “accommodating”, if you know what I mean. On another matter, I have to say that I remain somewhat hurt by your seeming refusal to give me your opinion on the matter of whether Robinson’s third law of acquisition is in conflict with the generally-accepted view that the profitability-over-time curve of the labour market must remain inflexible in periods of high inflation. I appreciate that you have just been hounded out of your own country and are busy setting up home in a brand new mansion, and must have all sorts of things on your mind – pretty dresses to unpack, rooms to decorate, probably lots of shopping to do – but I am jumping through hoops here to do all I can to help you, and you are seemingly not prepared to help me with the smallest of matters. A simple “yes” or “no” is all I ask, Mrs Taylor. I look forward to your response, and for the information I have asked for in relation to Mr Adaba that will enable us to move forward with all speed. Please do not worry your pretty little head about this matter – I am sure that we will be able to bring it to a satisfactory conclusion very soon. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: Let’s go! Sent: Sun, 17 Aug 2023 10:38:04 Dear Mrs Taylor, I am rather concerned that you have not yet responded to my last email. Time waits for no man (or woman, in your case), and I would have thought that you would have been keen to retrieve your husband’s valuables as soon as possible. Perhaps I was slightly too forward in addressing you as “Jewel” in my last email, and have therefore offended you. If so, please accept my heartfelt apologies. Now, to the business in hand. Just because it is the weekend, that is no excuse for neglecting serious business such as this. I am sitting here, poised like a gazelle, waiting to spring into action to come to your aid at a moment’s notice, but seem to be met with nothing but inaction at your end. My dear lady, I advise you to take your nose out of whatever slushy romance novel you are reading at the moment, and send me the information I require about your attorney. Then we will be in a position to move forward and retrieve your belongings. I trust you and your family are settling in nicely. Have you met your new neighbours yet? I do hope they are agreeable. I would imagine that the Nigerian authorities would have taken your previous status into consideration when they re-housed you, and that it is unlikely that you are living next door to someone with a horde of unruly children, a liking for loud heavy metal music, and a car on bricks in the front garden. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Assisting Mrs Jewel Taylor Sent: Mon, 18 Aug 2023 12:25:07 Dear Adaba, I am emailing you regarding Mrs Jewel Taylor, the unfortunate wife of the ex-president of Liberia, who I am helping to retrieve certain valuables belonging to her husband that are currently lying in an Amsterdam vault. The last time I emailed you, Mrs Taylor and I had yet to agree on a fee for my services. You will be pleased to hear that we have come to an amicable arrangement, and are therefore in a position to move forwards. Mrs Taylor is keen to use your services in this venture, and recommends you very highly. However, being a naturally cautious man, I would appreciate it if you could pass on some more information about yourself, so that I can satisfy myself that you are a suitable partner in this business. I trust you can appreciate my caution in this matter, and will not take it amiss. I have already asked Mrs Taylor for more information on you, but she has not yet replied. This is perfectly understandable – having only just moved house, she is probably busying herself with womanly matters such as hanging curtains and arranging furniture. Could you therefore please provide me with full details of your qualifications, at least two references on your conduct and performance from past clients, details of your charging structure, and preferably a photograph of your good self. With such a large amount of money at stake, I must feel absolutely secure about you before I go any further with this business. I am sure that this information will put my mind at rest, so as soon as I receive it, I will be ready to move forward with vigour. I look forward to receiving this information by return, and to working with you on this matter with all speed. Regards, Gilbert Murray From: Jewel Taylor To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Assisting Mrs Jewel Taylor Sent: Tue, 19 Aug 2023 00:56:24 +0800 DEAR FRIEND, I AM SORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO WRITE YOU BEFORE NOW. I HAVE NOT EVEN HAD TIME TO SLEEP. WE ARE MOVING AGAIN AND DO NOT KNOW IF I MAY HAVE ACCESS TO COMMUNICATION AS I MAY WISH. I DO ADVISE THAT YOU KEEP UP WITH MY ATTORNEY. REGARDS, JEWEL From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Acknowledgement Sent: Mon, 18 Aug 2023 17:24:39 +0000 Dear Sir, Thank you for your email of today. I had received the previous one and of course did not want to respond to its very rude content. I have been employed by Mrs Taylor, as it were to perfect a brief on her behalf and will do so. Be advised that I am not receiving any remuneration from you, and therefore my payment structure does not arise. I have settled that aspect with my client and do not expect any payment whatsoever from you. I have been in legal practice for the past 12 years and my firm, PHILLIP ADABA & CO has done creditably well. Our office is located at Phillips House, Awolowo Road, S/W Ikoyi, Lagos. Our telephone/fax number is: 234.1.7768367. Our clients include the:
It is in our tradition to ask the following from our clients, especially in the present circumstance:
I am presently on a trip in Switzerland and will be home in Lagos, Nigeria, hopefully before the week runs out, at which time I can scan my valid international passport and email same to you. Since you have declared your interest at concluding this venture soonest, I will agree with you on this regard and advise that as soon as we receive the above information, we will proceed. Find below, the tracking number of the consignment. This is verifiable on the website of the holding house, on www.interseccouriers.com, by placing the numbers in the space marked “Tracking”. Tracking number: 7988890110 I may still be contacted on 41 7926 99211 until I arrive in Nigeria. Regards, Phillip Adaba From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Acknowledgement Sent: Mon, 18 Aug 2023 20:29:49 Adaba, Thank you for your email. I have to say, I am astonished. I have been called many things before, but I have never been called “rude”. What, pray tell, was “rude” about my previous email to you? I was simply expressing my disquiet that you seemed to be moving forwards too quickly. You must appreciate that dealing in international business is new to me, and it may be true that I require slightly more reassurance than some other people before I feel comfortable about moving forward. However, it was never my intention to be rude. If I may quote from an email that I sent to Mrs Taylor on 15 August:
I hope you can therefore see that I was not being rude, but merely cautious. In fact, it was I who found you rude, in sending me your premature information no less than three times. It seems to me that our business relationship has started on the wrong foot. I propose that we take a step backwards, re-evaluate our situation and our goals, and make a fresh start. In dealing with me, you may well find me direct, straightforward and outspoken at times, but I hope that you will never find me rude. Mrs Taylor is the important party here, not you or me. Are you willing to join me in making a fresh start and putting the past behind us? Presuming that you are, I would like to thank you for sending me the details about your legal practice. If you respond positively, I look forward to working with you for the benefit of Mrs Taylor, with whom I am in the process of building up a strong personal relationship. I await your response keenly. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: We are making progress Sent: Mon, 18 Aug 2023 20:40:27 Dear Mrs Taylor, Thank you for your email. It must be a very stressful time for you. You say you are moving house again? Why are you putting yourself through all that again, so soon after your last move? Perhaps the master bedroom was not quite large enough, or the view from the lounge not quite what you were expecting? Whatever the reason, I hope that you will be happier in your new house. You say that you are not sleeping? I used to suffer from sleeplessness myself up until a few years ago, when one of my fellow lecturers let me into his secret of a good night’s sleep – a bottle of whisky, an hour before bedtime. Trust me, it never fails. It is such an effective remedy that sometimes I fall asleep before I even get to the bedroom. Thankfully Mrs Murray has become accustomed to this and is quite used to helping me up the remaining stairs to bed. You will be aware that I am corresponding with your attorney of choice. Although he seems a rather irritable fellow, I am willing to persevere with him for your sake, my dear lady. I have suggested that he and I make a fresh start. I am only hoping that he has the humility to agree to this. As long as your attorney is a reasonable chap, I assure you that things will be sorted out as soon as is likely. I remain at your service. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Apologies Sent: Tue, 19 Aug 2023 07:35:26 +0000 Dear friend, I see that you were disturbed my the contents of my email. I hereby tender an UNRESERVED APOLOGY. Yes I think we got off on the wrong footing, and believe it is behind us now. Once more I am sorry and hope we can continue. I hope we can build up a personal friendship also. If you may leave a number, I will call to express my regret. Warm regards, Phillip From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Apology accepted Sent: Tue, 19 Aug 2023 08:52:38 Dear Adaba, I was glad to receive your email this morning. I accept your gracious apology. It is so easy to be misunderstood, is it not? As you say, that is all behind us now. I look forward to moving on with the business in hand. You asked me for my telephone number. Unfortunately, I do not have a telephone or facsimile machine at home. Mrs Murray and myself live in a rather remote area in the East of England, and the telephone company has not connected our village of Gypping in the Marsh up to the telephone network yet. While working at the University during term time, this is not normally a problem, as my office has full facilities, but our home, while charming, is rather behind the times, I am afraid. The lack of a telephone means that I have to conduct all my business either personally, or via email, using a satellite link up devised by one of my neighbours who is something of an amateur inventor. I trust that this will not prove too much of an inconvenience to the business in hand? Please accept my sincere apologies for any inconvenience this may cause, but unfortunately, short of moving house, there is little I can do about the matter until the telephone company gets its act together. Looking on the bright side, the lack of a telephone does mean that I am able to lead a quiet life and concentrate on my studies – you know what women are like with telephones, I am sure. I look forward to hearing from you what our next step is. I am keen to move on this matter as soon as possible – as I have already mentioned to dear Mrs Taylor, I visited Amsterdam several times in my youth for one reason or another, and am looking forward to revisiting some of my old haunts in the city. There’s nothing wrong with combining a little pleasure with one’s business, is there? Needless to say, Mrs Murray will not be joining me when I visit Amsterdam. When we have finalised our plans, I am planning to explain my absence by telling her there is a European Economics Conference at which I have been asked at the last minute to give a speech. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Update Sent: Tue, 19 Aug 2023 07:35:26 +0000 Dear Sir, I will be more difficult having this concluded if we cannot talk. I am sure you can however find somewhere to call me. As time goes on, also you will need to call the security firm in Amsterdam. The ball is in your court. As soon as I receive a valid identification, I will forward to you the deposit certificate for your perusal and inform the company of our intention to have you collect on behalf of Mrs Taylor. Were you able to track the consignment online? When can you be in Amsterdam? Phillip Adaba From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Update Sent: Tue, 19 Aug 2023 11:15:58 Dear Adaba, Thank you for your email. As requested, here are my personal identification details: Full name: Gilbert Arnold Murray Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK As I have mentioned in my last email, unfortunately we do not have telephone equipment installed in the locality. If it was term-time I would be able to telephone you from my office at the University, but as the University is currently closed for the summer holidays, I am unable to do this at the moment. As the University is currently closed, I am spending my summer marking my students’ essays and planning next year’s courses. I am therefore in the happy position of being able to travel at the drop of a hat. Next week would suit me admirably – I have promised to help Mrs Murray set up the local Womens’ Institute stall at the Gypping in the Marsh Village Fete this weekend, and I will never hear the end of it if I renege on that promise. I could travel next Monday (25) if that would be convenient for you, to arrive in Amsterdam and meet up with the security company on Tuesday. I have indeed managed to track the consignment online using the security firm’s website. It never ceases to amaze me what you can do with technology these days. Assuming that next week is suitable for you, could you please send me details of what the plan is when I arrive in Amsterdam? Will you arrange for me to meet up with someone, or should I go directly to the security company? Also, what am I to do with the consignment once I have collected it? Mrs Taylor mentioned that I would be responsible for checking its contents. But what are the plans for the case after that? On the matter of expenses, please do not worry. I shall ensure that I keep receipts for all my incidental expenses and we can sort that out afterwards. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Identification Sent: Tue, 19 Aug 2023 20:54:06 +0000 Dear Gilbert, Thank you for your email. I am sorry I was not able to get to you before then. The set date is OK, and hopefully, I may still be in Europe and may meet you depending on my schedule. In the event that I am not able to do this, it will not be a problem as I am reliably informed that the security firm, on request, can arrange to pick you up at the airport upon your arrival. The consignment: the cash is to be deposited in your account as you may nominate, and the security firm will be useful in this regard. I suppose the jewellery can also be accepted for safe keeping. Thereafter we will liase and decide on a worthwhile investment. I will keep you informed. I do however need your identification for obvious reasons. As soon as I receive this I will immediately write to the company to introduce you and you may then confirm the 25 date. I also wish and hope we can speak at least. I am sure there is a way you will be able to make a call if it becomes urgent. I believe this is more than urgent and important. I do expect as attachment, the valid identification. I am sure you understand this. Best regards, Phillip From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Identification Sent: Tue, 19 Aug 2023 22:31:36 Dear Adaba, Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that next Monday will be an acceptable date for me to travel to Amsterdam. I am so looking forward to exploring the city and its canals again after so many years. I shall look into ferry times tomorrow and tell Mrs Murray about the “International Economics Conference” that has asked me to speak at short notice. I do hope you will still be in Europe early next week – it would be very pleasant to meet up with you, and possibly to share a beer or two to toast the success of this transaction. From memory, I can recommend some excellent bars which offer real character and some rather unique “services” on the side. Are you a married man, Mr Adaba? You mentioned being met at the airport. I was actually intending to drive down to Harwich and get a ferry across to the Hook of Holland, then drive to Amsterdam. Two kilograms of diamonds and fourteen gold bars are rather too much to carry back with me on a plane. You have asked me to email you a scanned copy of my international driving licence or passport. I am sorry, Mr Adaba, but I am simply not prepared to send copies of such valuable documents via email. I attended a few lectures on computer security at the University last year, given by one of my colleagues, and he specifically told the group never to send anything confidential like that via email, as it is such an insecure medium. Please do not misunderstand me, Mr Adaba – I am not casting any aspersions on your own integrity, but email is so easy hacked into that I dare not send any attachments such as the ones you request. I trust you understand my reluctance. My colleague actually told us that any request to send such documents via email should be viewed with some suspicion. Obviously, I am absolutely sure of your own trustworthiness – someone like Mrs Jewel Taylor would not associate herself with anyone who was not of the highest integrity. I do hope that his will not be a problem. What I will do is make sure that I take suitable identification with me when I travel to Amsterdam on Monday – my driving licence, my passport, my credit cards, etc. I will be more than happy to provide these to you when I see you. I will contact you when I have checked the ferry times from Harwich. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Identification Sent: Wed, 20 Aug 2023 08:03:12 +0000 Dear Gilbert, While I understand your position about the unreliability of the internet, I am sure you understand I have been saddled with an enormous responsibility. I will be very unprofessional to carry on without properly identifying who I want to entrust my client’s life savings to, especially as you do not have a phone number where you can be reached. Moreover, I have to personally send an ID of the person I am giving a power of attorney to, to the security firm. To move on, I will insist that you may find another alternative like faxing the copy of your ID to my office at 234.9.2721413, or at the least call me on the telephone number I have left. Please advise. This is informed by the fact that I may have to travel back home tomorrow night, and may not be there to personally take care of things. I hope you understand my position. Phillip From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Re: Identification Sent: Wed, 20 Aug 2023 12:48:51 Dear Adaba, Thank you for your email. Believe me, I can appreciate the difficulty of your position. I realise that there is a lot of money at stake here. However, faxing private documents is as potentially dangerous as sending them via email, if not more so. Also, as I do not have access to a fax machine at home, this would be out of the question anyway. If you are not already aware of this, faxed or emailed documents are a very poor way of establishing the identity of a person anyway – as I learned in my computer and internet security lecture course last year. Apparently it is very easy to forge such documents. Were I a criminal, I could have simply forged myself some ID and emailed it over to you without hesitation. The fact that I have not done, and that I am warning you of this, should go a long way towards showing that I am a genuine person. A friendly word of advice: I would strongly advise you to stop using methods such as fax and email to verify the identity of your clients – if you are not careful, you could get stung one day. The only reliable way to verify someone’s ID is to see it at first hand. And as I have already said, I will bring all my ID with me to Amsterdam next week. I will therefore be able to satisfy you and the security company in person that I am who I say I am. As I stated to Mrs Taylor in an earlier email, I am an English gentleman, so my word is my bond. Such a thing used to mean something back in the old days. Nevertheless, I am keen to satisfy your requirements. Although I have no telephone here, I will cycle out to the neighbouring village this afternoon and use the telephone box next to the church and attempt to contact you. I trust you will be available. Regarding ferries, I have checked their availability, and I have booked myself onto the 10:40 fast ferry from Harwich on Monday, which should arrive at the Hook of Holland at 15:20 (whether this is local time or GMT, I am not sure). From there it should be a relatively short and simple drive to Amsterdam, where I plan to stay the night, before meeting up for business on Tuesday. We will need to arrange a time and a place – if not with you, then with one of your associates. You will be pleased to hear that Mrs Murray swallowed my story about the Economics Conference in one gulp. I think part of her is looking forward to getting me out of the house for a few days, to be honest. I shall speak to you this afternoon. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Identification Sent: Wed, 20 Aug 2023 15:29:40 +0000 Dear friend, I will be on a plane out this night and will arrive in Nigeria at 6am my time tomorrow, which is the same as yours. You may then reach me on 234.1.7768367. We may talk then. I may not be able to write you again until tomorrow. I will still be happy to receive your identification which will form the basis of my letter to the firm in Amsterdam, especially as I will not be there. I believe you are not about to forge this. Regards, Phillip From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: I have tried to contact you Sent: Wed, 20 Aug 2023 17:42:47 Dear Adaba, Thank you for your email. I have just spent a very tiring and frustrating afternoon trying to contact you. I cycled six miles to the neighbouring village, Fribberton Fen, only to find that the telephone box by the church had been vandalised. Such is modern life. Determined to get in contact with you, I got back on my bike and cycled another four miles to the next village, Hundleford, where at last I found a working payphone. And then I tried to call you, using the number you have given me. And for whatever reason, I could not get through. It sounded as if the number was unobtainable. I tried as many combinations as I could think of before giving up in disgust and cycling the ten miles back home. I have therefore wasted three hours this afternoon trying to get in contact with you. Hours that I could have spent more profitably elsewhere. And I am now worn out. Anyway. Now that I have calmed down, I should keep you informed of my plans for the rest of the week. I shall be working from home marking papers until Friday. On Saturday, as I mentioned previously, I shall be helping Mrs Murray with the Womens’ Institute stall at the Gypping in the Marsh Village Fete. On Saturday evening after the fete, Mrs Murray and I will be visiting the caravan we keep by the sea at Candleby Creek. We shall be leaving the caravan early on Monday morning, and I shall be dropping Mrs Murray back home on my way to catch the ferry. What this means is that we have to arrange our business as far as possible by the end of Friday, as I will not have access to the internet from Saturday morning until I arrive on the continent. Therefore, by the end of Friday I need to know from you what I need to bring with me. I am already going to pack my passport, driving licence and various credit cards as ID, but should I bring anything else? Strong bags for the diamonds, for example? We also need to arrange a suitable time and place for meeting on the Tuesday. My initial thoughts are that I should contact you (or, by the look of things, your chosen representative) when I arrive in my hotel and we arrange to meet in the hotel lobby at, say, 10am on Tuesday. Obviously, you will need to arrange things with the security company. Let me have your thoughts as soon as you reach Nigeria. I wish you a pleasant flight. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor; Cc: Phillip Adaba Subject: Progress update Sent: Wed, 20 Aug 2023 17:52:26 Dear Mrs Taylor, I thought it would be courteous to send you a quick email to keep you abreast of progress. You will be happy to know that I have managed to come to an arrangement with your attorney, Mr Adaba, and that we are now finalising the details of this business. I shall be travelling to Amsterdam on Monday and will be meeting with the security company on Tuesday to retrieve your husband’s belongings. Fear not, dear lady, Everything is under control. After getting off on the wrong foot, I now feel that you have made an excellent choice in appointing Mr Adaba to look after your affairs. He seems a very suitable man. However, I have to say that his attitude to security over the internet is rather lax, and I fear that this could result in someone taking advantage of his trusting nature in the future. You might want to have a word with him about that, my dear. You have been very quiet of late, my sweet. I hope you are not ill. Did you find that my remedy for insomnia was any help? I miss receiving your emails – I very much enjoyed reading your feminine prose and had begun to feel that we were forging a strong personal relationship. Please, do not keep me in the dark; let your knight in shining armour know how you are. I saw the news last night, by the way. It looks like all hell is breaking loose in Liberia. In my opinion you and your family got out just in time. I do hope your husband does not feel too guilty for causing all this death and destruction – we all make mistakes. On another matter, if you have a moment, could I pick your brains? One of my students is arguing (quite cogently, I have to say) that Winton’s theorem of the inelasticity of supply does not hold water in a deflationary cycle. Would you agree? Take care of yourself. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Apologies Sent: Thu, 21 Aug 2023 12:33:41 +0000 Dear Gilbert, I am sorry you could not reach me. I travelled yesterday night as I informed you, and I think that is why you could not reach me. I am in Nigeria now and can be reached on 234.1.7768367. Based on your message, I may not have a person on the ground, but will do my best. The best I can advise now is that you contact the company immediately by email, attn: Mr Wool, (operationmgr@interseccouriers.com), Operation Manager, to confirm an appointment with the firm for Tuesday. I have given instructions that they co-operate with you, on provision of a valid ID, and a confirmation by telephone with me before the transaction commences. I have made other information available to Mr Wool ONLY and not to you because I did not receive a valid identification from you. I will advise that you call me from your hotel on Monday or provide a number where you are lodged in Holland, where I can call you. We will not continue if I am unable to do this. Also I am aware that the firm will require 7,220 Euros, as processing/admin/demurrage fee before the consignment can be released to you. Mrs Taylor assures me this will be handled by you. Please advise. Once more I apologise for the difficulties I have caused but they were unavoidable. I await your response. Phillip From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Thank you for your email Sent: Thu, 21 Aug 2023 13:55:39 Dear Adaba, Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that you encountered no difficulties in your travelling arrangements and arrived home safely. I am sorry to hear that I will not be able to meet you in Amsterdam personally. I was looking forward to getting to know you in person over a few drinks. I shall contact Mr Wool immediately as per your instructions, and keep you informed regarding my progress from Monday onwards. Do not worry about the fee that is required for the release of the consignment. Mrs Taylor warned me beforehand that there may be some upfront expenses. I shall cover them and be sure to keep the receipt (and indeed all the receipts from the trip). We can sort that out later. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Robert Wool; Cc: Phillip Adaba Subject: Operation “Mrs Taylor’s millions” Sent: Thu, 21 Aug 2023 14:50:39 Dear Wool, I am contacting you regarding a matter on which I have been corresponding with Mrs Jewel Taylor, wife of the discredited ex-President of Liberia, and her attorney, Mr Phillip Adaba. Adaba tells me that he has already been in contact with you over this matter, so I imagine you already know most of the facts of the matter. However, just in case Adaba has not been as thorough in his briefing as he could have been, here are the basics of the situation. Mrs Taylor (a personal friend of mine) and her husband have some personal items in a safety deposit box that is currently in your care in Amsterdam. The precise contents of the box need not concern you. I am helping the Taylors to retrieve these belongings – they are having a few problems at home at the moment, which means that they cannot travel to Amsterdam and pick up the box themselves. You know what it’s like when you move house: so much to do, so little time. To this end, I have arranged to travel across from Harwich on the 10:40 ferry on Monday 25 August, which should arrive at the Hook of Holland at 15:20. I am not sure whether this is local time or GMT. From the ferry, I will be driving to Amsterdam, where I plan to stay the night and enjoy some of the more lubricious attractions that your fair city has to offer. I will therefore be available for business on the morning of 26 August. We need to arrange a time and a place to meet – we could either meet at my hotel, or at another location of your choosing – your offices, for example. I will be bringing various methods of identification with me, including my passport, driving licence and credit cards, to enable you to confirm my identity. I shall have with me the 7,220 Euros fee that you require in order to release the consignment to me, in cash. I trust a receipt will be no problem. Please be advised that due to a pre-booked weekend away with Mrs Murray, I will not be contactable from Saturday morning until my arrival in Holland on Monday, at which point I shall contact you from my hotel. Therefore, if there is any more information that you need to get to me, please ensure that you email it to me before the end of Friday. In preparation, I have affixed a GB sticker to the rear bumper of my Morris Marina, cleared the boot to make room for the consignment, checked the oil, water and tyres, and placed my AA Book of Driving in Europe in the glove compartment. I have not driven on the continent before, so this should be an exciting experience. I look forward to making your acquaintance next week and to concluding this transaction with all good speed. By the way, I came across your picture on your corporate website while I was tracking the consignment a few days ago. Has anyone ever mentioned to you that you have an uncanny resemblance to Gaye Byrne, an Irish chat show host of some repute, and presenter of The Late Late Show on RTE? You’re not related at all, are you? Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: Where are you, dear lady? Sent: Thu, 21 Aug 2023 17:35:50 Dear Mrs Taylor, I am concerned not to have heard from you, my sweet. Are you not well? Surely you are not too busy to respond to me, your good Samaritan who is doing all he can to help you out of your present crisis? Never fear, things are moving apace regarding the recovery of your personal belongings. You will soon be able to admire yourself in front of a mirror again as you wear your pretty diamonds, as your disgraced husband fondles his golden bars. May I ask, my dear lady, did you or your husband actually get to meet George Bush during the talks that resulted in your banishment and exile? I was wondering whether the man is actually as stupid as he appears to be, or if, as many commentators have suggested, he is even stupider. It must be exhilarating to move in such exalted social circles as you and your husband do. Or as you used to do, anyway. I shouldn’t imagine many world leaders are flocking to your door at the moment. Never mind. That will give you more time to unpack. My dear, please do respond and let me know how you are. I am deeply concerned about you. If you are worried about things, why not turn your laser-sharp mind to the two economics queries I sent you, that you have still not answered? It might do you good to take your mind off things. Come on, old girl, lend me your opinion and help out a friend who is doing you a favour. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Wool Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2023 08:57:41 Dear Adaba, I have had no response from Wool as yet, despite me informing him that due to my commitments to Mrs Murray, we must finalise all arrangements by the end of the day. Time is of the essence here, I feel. I assume you have dealt with this man Wool before. May I suggest that you give the man a poke with a sharp stick and point him in the right direction? Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Wool Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2023 13:03:15 +0000 Dear Gilbert, I am sorry I have not been able to communicate earlier than now. I had so many things to catch up on. I will try to make things faster. Phillip From: Gilbert Murray To: Phillip Adaba; Cc: Robert Wool Subject: Operation “Mrs Taylor’s millions” Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2023 17:35:18 Dear Adaba/Wool, I have been disappointed not to have received any concrete arrangements from either of you over the past two days, despite my informing you of the familial commitments that are dragging me off for the weekend, playing canasta in a caravan with Mrs Murray. Once I have sent this email, I shall not be in a position to check my email from now until I get to my hotel in Holland on Monday night. To confirm my movements, I shall be arriving by fast ferry in the Hook of Holland at 15:20 on Monday 25 August. I shall make my way to Amsterdam by road and shall find a suitable hotel for the night – one with in-room telephones and modems. I shall contact you both on Monday evening from my hotel, before I set out to enjoy some of Amsterdam’s more unique attractions. When I contact you on Monday night we can arrange a place and time to rendezvous on the Tuesday morning – I realise that unfortunately you will not be able to be there in person, Adaba – and we can then transact our business. I have already packed my passport, driving licence and credit cards, as well as last year’s bank statements for good measure – this should provide you with all the identification you could hope for. I will also have the required fee, in cash. I look forward to working with you, and I wish you a pleasant weekend. Best regards, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray; Cc: Jewel Taylor Subject: Arrangement Sent: Sat, 23 Aug 2023 12:07:58 +0000 Dear Gilbert, I am at a loss as to why you have not been contacted by Mr Wool. Hopefully you will have his mail waiting for you upon your arrival. I will be able to do better as soon as you call me on 234.1.7768367 upon your arrival, or email me your contact phone number, so we can establish contact. I wish us the best. Phillip From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Hello Sent: Mon, 25 Aug 2023 09:13:57 +0000 Dear friend, I hope your journey was fine. I hope also that you may find it important to call me as soon as you check into a hotel. Regards, Phillip Adaba From: Robert Wool To: Gilbert Murray Subject: Re: Operation “Mrs Taylor’s millions” Sent: Mon, 25 Aug 2023 07:56:56 -0400 Sir, We have been fully informed of your arrival by your attorney Philip Adaba and he has also sent all that is needed. All we need from you now is complete identification to confirm that you are Gilbert Murray and you have also mentioned in your mail documents that you will be coming with formal identification. Please note that we are looking forward to receiving you as soon as you get to your hotel please call or send mail to confirm your arrival and an officer will come and pick you up first thing in the morning tomorrow for the meeting. We look forward to meeting you soon. My sincere regards, Robert Wool Operations Manager From: Gilbert Murray To: Robert Wool; Cc: Philip Adaba Subject: Operation “Mrs Taylor’s millions” Sent: Mon, 25 Aug 2023 20:46:09 Dear Adaba/Wool, Thank you for your emails. I was glad to hear from you both, especially the elusive Wool. I apologise for not getting in touch with you both sooner, but I have had an extremely stressful day – one of the most stressful of my life – and I am NOT a happy man. After a somewhat boring weekend in the caravan with Mrs Murray, I dropped her back at the house very early this morning and motored down to Harwich with all speed to catch the ferry, which I made in good time. After an excellent crossing with fair weather and a calm sea, we docked at the Hook of Holland exactly on schedule. And then my problems started. I don’t know what on earth they have done to the road system over here since my AA Book of Driving in Europe was published, but nothing matches up. None of the roads in my atlas even seem to exist any more. I wasted a huge amount of time seemingly driving round in circles, with rude and impatient Dutch drivers beeping their horns at me seemingly constantly. People here simply do not know how to drive properly. Despairing of being able to find my way, I tried stopping and asking for directions, but nobody over here seems to speak a word of English! Can you believe it? And then, to top it all, some moronic Dutch BASTARD shunted the rear of my car in a traffic jam, then drove off, leaving me with a sizeable dent and a smashed rear light. I could not believe it. I had to get out of the car and wrench the wing away from the rear wheel before I could set off again. I apologise for my immoderate use of language, but I hope you can understand my anger – I have owned this car since 1976, and have never put so much as a scratch on it. It is my absolute pride and joy. After hours of getting virtually nowhere, getting very tired and somewhat emotional, I found a hotel by the side of the road to stay in, called the Golden Tulip, which is where I am now. With some considerably difficulty and not a few mimed gestures, I managed to establish that the rooms included telephones and modems, and negotiate a rate with the fellow on the desk. As this is a somewhat delicate business, involving a once-celebrated international figure, and not wishing to place Mrs Taylor in an awkward situation, I have booked myself into the hotel under an assumed name, just in case. I have seen many spy films, and this seems to be the done thing in these circumstances – I trust you approve of my caution. Having got to my room, after a brief shower, I got straight onto the telephone and tried to contact you, Adaba, with absolutely NO success. I don’t know whether the telephone does not accept international calls, or whether you have even given me the correct number – if you remember, I could not get through to you last week either when I tried calling. All I managed to get out of the telephone was a strange beeping tone, and then some bizarre woman on the other end started spouting what I assume was Dutch at me. What an odious language it is – I couldn’t understand a word of it and she sounded like she was clearing her throat half the time. After several frustrating attempts, I went straight down to the reception desk to try and get help, but simply could not make myself understood to the surly fellow on the desk. What the devil are they doing, employing half-trained chimps who do not even have a basic grasp of English? Which brings me to now. I am sick and tired of all this fiddy-faddying around. I am tired. I am stressed. My beloved Morris has been dented. And I have had ENOUGH of trying to use these bloody useless Dutch telephones. Before my blood pressure goes through the roof, I am now going out to get myself a good meal, and to have a few drinks to de-stress myself – the muscles in my shoulders are tied in knots. This being Holland, I shall then see if I can find a suitable establishment where I can completely de-stress myself with the help of a pliant young lady or two. As for meeting up tomorrow morning, I think your suggestion of one of your operatives meeting me in the hotel foyer is an excellent one, Wool. I suggest 10am sharp, giving me time to recover from today’s stresses and strains. I will have everything I need with me (my ID and the fee, in Euros) and I will be ready to do business. Hopefully, for all our sakes, I will be slightly less stressed than I am right now. So that your fellow can recognise me, I shall be wearing a black business suit, red tie, black leather shoes, and I shall be carrying a black leather briefcase. As I do not know what your fellow looks like, I suggest that we adopt a small security measure to ensure that we do not mistake each other. I suggest that your fellow should approach me and ask me the question “Did we once meet in Zanzibar?” My response will be “No, but I believe we once played golf in Morecambe”. If it is at all possible, please send me a description of the fellow you are sending, first thing tomorrow morning, so that I shall know who to expect. The way I am feeling right now, were it not for the fact that Mrs Taylor is counting on me, I feel like giving up this whole damned business and getting the ferry back to England. But no. I promised Mrs Taylor that I would come through for her, and an English gentleman never goes back on his word. Good day to you, gentlemen. Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Robert Wool; Cc: Philip Adaba Subject: Where the hell are you? Sent: Tue, 26 Aug 2023 12:26:49 Wool, What the blazes is going on, man? I have been sitting in the foyer of the Golden Tulip for over two hours like a lemon, waiting for your operative to turn up. Since it is now lunchtime and he has not arrived, I assume that he is not going to bother. What kind of banana-brained imbecile did you send to meet me? Is the man not capable of finding a hotel, or of telling the time? If this man’s behaviour is at all indicative of the state of the rest of your organisation, I am surprised you manage to function as a security house. Perhaps you are used to conducting business in this slack-handed, lackadaisical way on the continent, but let me tell you, this is not the way we conduct business in Britain. You have wasted my entire morning. Perhaps you think it amusing to waste a gentleman’s time in this way. I do not find it in the least bit funny. I demand an apology. I now find myself sitting in my hotel room with 7,220 Euros burning a hole in my pocket, champing at the bit to do business, but with nobody to do business with. I have one more day in this hole of a country before I catch the ferry back. Presuming that you employ someone with more than an ounce of sense, I suggest that we meet up tomorrow morning instead to conduct our business. Do you think you can manage that without a repeat of today’s farce? What Mrs Taylor will think when she hears of your incompetent pissing around, I shudder to think. The poor dear has enough on her mind without this kind of tomfoolery going on. Get a grip, man. Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Robert Wool; Cc: Philip Adaba Subject: What in god’s name is going on? Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2023 07:26:27 Wool, I am at a loss for words. Why have you not responded to my email of yesterday? Can you not see the urgency of this matter? This situation is ridiculous. I travelled all the way over to Holland expecting to deal with professionals, not with a collection of dunder-headed gibbons. I suggest you stop fooling around with your secretary, or whatever it is you are doing right now, and apply yourself IMMEDIATELY to the job in hand. Hoping that you manage to get your act together, once again, against my better judgement, I shall be in the foyer of the Golden Tulip Hotel, Rotterdam, at 10am this morning. I shall be hoping that one of the degenerate macaques you employ manages to find his way there without getting side-tracked and ending up smoking himself into a stupor in a bar somewhere. If nobody is there by noon, I shall give up this entire business as a dead loss and head straight back for an early ferry. Goats and monkeys, man, this is serious business. Pull your finger out, and do it NOW. Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: Bad news Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2023 07:28:41 Dear Mrs Taylor, I am sorry to say that I write with bad news. I am in Holland right now, and was expecting to meet with a Mr Wool from the security company yesterday morning, to complete our transaction and recover your missing millions for you. However, despite waiting in the lobby of the Golden Tulip in Rotterdam all morning, as arranged, nobody turned up to meet me. On top of this, this man Wool is not responding to my emails. In a last-ditch attempt to go ahead with this transaction, I have instructed Wool to send an operative to meet me in the lobby this morning, hoping against hope that he might be able to get his act together by then. However, dear lady, I fear that due to the incompetence of this security company, the future of this transaction is now in doubt. If nobody turns up to meet me today, I will have no alternative but to return the 7,220 Euros to the bank, head back for the ferry and give up. It would pain me to do this to you, dear lady, and leave you in the lurch so. But I am afraid that without some level of co-operation from the security company, I have no other options. I have to say that your attorney, Adaba, has proved to be precious little help in this whole affair. He has consistently placed one obstacle after another in front of this project, causing delay after delay. I would advise you to take care, my dear, where Adaba is concerned. I have a feeling that he may be delaying things in order to be able to justify inflating the fees he charges you. I feel that if we had gone ahead with my choice of lawyer, Mr Welsby, this whole unfortunate situation could have been avoided. My dear lady, if you have any control over these matters whatsoever, I beseech you to contact Adaba or the security company immediately and ensure that one of their operatives is there to meet me today. If not, I am afraid that we will have failed, and your valuables will remain stranded in the Amsterdam vault. I would hate that to happen. I would feel that I had failed you personally. And I was so looking forward to having a solid gold bar as a doorstop. Perhaps your husband could pull some strings? I realise that of course, internationally despised as he is, he is no longer the respected force he once was on the world stage, but the poor wretch must still have one or two friends left in high places? Please, my lady, rescue this situation if you can. I remain your loyal servant. With love and affection, Gilbert Murray From: Phillip Adaba To: Gilbert Murray Subject: ADVISE Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2023 06:51:10 +0000 DEAR GILBERT, IT MAY BE EASIER ON ALL INVOLVED IF YOU HAVE A NUMBER WHERE U CAN BE REACHED OR CAN CALL. IT MAY SHOW THAT YOU ARE SERIOUS AND NOT WASTING ALL OUR TIME, AS I AM BEGINING TO BELIEVE. PHILLIP ADABA From: Gilbert Murray To: Philip Adaba; Cc: Robert Wool Subject: Re: ADVISE Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2023 08:46:05 Adaba, Christ on a bike, man. How difficult can this possibly be? I have said that I shall be in the foyer of the Golden Tulip Hotel, Rotterdam, at 10am this morning. The same place I was at 10am yesterday morning, when absolutely nobody turned up to meet me as we had planned. I resent your implication that I am wasting your time. ME, wasting YOUR time? It is not you who has travelled across to Holland and wasted the whole of yesterday morning waiting for someone who never showed up. It is MY time that is being wasted, by the sheer incompetence of Wool’s security company. I think you will find that Mrs Taylor will take a very dim view of this whole affair. I have had just about enough of all this fannying around. I am a patient man. But if nobody turns up to meet me in the hotel foyer by noon, you can forget this whole business. Gilbert Murray PS. Why can’t Wool reply to his own bloody emails? From: Gilbert Murray To: Philip Adaba; Cc: Robert Wool Subject: WHAT KIND OF GAME ARE YOU PLAYING? Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2023 12:29:55 Adaba/Wool, Well, that’s another morning wasted. Thank you very much. I don’t know what sort of infantile game you two are playing, but I certainly do not appreciate having my valuable time wasted by a pair of profligate primates. For the sake of poor Mrs Taylor, I am willing to give you ONE LAST CHANCE. I have just about managed to get some sense out of the Dutch duckweed on the desk and he has given me the number of the hotel. You already know the name of the hotel at which I am staying. I can only presume that you have been too lazy to look up the number yourselves. Do I have to do everything for you? Call me on 31-10 4133139, NOW. I will be waiting for your call. Otherwise, you can forget this whole sorry business. Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Philip Adaba; Cc: Robert Wool Subject: I have had enough Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2023 17:32:42 Adaba/Wool, As you have twice failed to send anyone to meet me, despite what we had arranged, and then failed to call me in my hotel as I instructed you to, I am sorry to say that I am giving up on this entire business. In order to salvage something out of this farce, I have decided to stay here in the Golden Tulip, Rotterdam, for one more night, then catch the ferry back to Harwich tomorrow morning. At the very least, I shall be able to enjoy Holland’s nightlife for one more night before heading back to Mrs Murray. You, sirs, have acted disgracefully, in wasting my time. I wish I could understand your motives for doing so. Are you merely the pair of incompetent fools that you seem, or is there something more sinister behind your actions? I have never come across such a pair of blithering idiots. My dear friend Mrs Taylor will be hearing of this, I can assure you. Yours in disgust, Gilbert Murray From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: Adaba’s incompetence Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2023 17:37:29 Dear Mrs Taylor, It pains me to report to you that I have failed to retrieve the safety deposit box belonging to you from the security company in Holland. I can assure you that this is through no fault of my own, but is all down to the incompetence and inaction of Messrs Adaba and Wool. I gave Adaba and Wool one final chance today to sort things out. They knew the name of the hotel I was staying in. They had the telephone number of the hotel. I provided them with all the information I could in order to make things run smoothly. But that was seemingly not enough for these prize goofs, who obviously need their hands holding through the simplest of tasks. The man Wool was breathtaking in his incompetence – the man only contacted me once during this whole venture. God knows what he was doing the rest of the time. Fornicating with his secretary no doubt. You know what these continental types are like. But in my humble opinion, most of the blame for this disaster must rest squarely at Adaba’s feet. I was right from the start, dear lady – the man is obviously a moron, who I believe would be incapable of organising a piss-up in a brewery (pardon my language). The man has shown gross incompetence throughout these whole proceedings. Right from the start he seemed more concerned with jetting around the world collecting cuckoo clocks that to dealing with the matter in hand. And then he moved from bad to worse. His oafish inaction scuppered this whole deal. Worse than that, it strikes me, dear lady that there might be a more sinister motive behind Adaba’s actions. In ruining this entire transaction, might he not be trying to deceive you, and grab the contents of your safety deposit box for himself? Worst of all, I fear that the man may be in league with Wool. Take care, dear lady, and do not be so trusting of your attorney. I personally do not trust him an inch, and would not piss on him if he was on fire (pardon my language). My suspicions about Adaba are so strong that I am seriously considering passing on his details to Interpol, where one of my old college friends works as a Superintendent in the International Fraud division. Do you think this is a good idea? Obviously, I would not wish your name to be dragged through the mud, so if you feel that this would embarrass you at all, I would not do so – you must let me know. Regardless of this, I would advise you to find yourself a new attorney as soon as possible. If you like, I could forward your details on to Mr Welsby, the lawyer I recommended right from the start? My Welsby is as honest as the day is long, and he also has an excellent grasp of the English language, in stark contrast to Adaba’s inane and misspelt babblings. As for myself, I am staying in the Golden Tulip in Rotterdam for one more night, before catching the ferry back to Harwich tomorrow. After such a fiasco, I will not be sad to see the back of this depraved country. Do let me know your feelings about Interpol. Unless I hear from you to the contrary, I will send on everything I know about Adaba to them on my return home. Your ever loving servant, Gilbert Murray PS. I will be sending on my expenses separately when I return home. I trust there will be no problem with this. From: Gilbert Murray To: Jewel Taylor Subject: My expenses Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2023 21:53:29 Dear Mrs Taylor, I am now safely back in Gypping in the Marsh, after my somewhat fruitless trip on your behalf to the continent. Please find below a detailed breakdown of the expenses I incurred during my trip – as you can see, I was careful to ensure that I kept all expenses to an absolute minimum. I have all the relevant receipts – please let me know if you would like me to send them on to you. Note that for the sake of convenience, I have converted all the amounts into pounds sterling. I know that despite your husband’s tarnished reputation, you are an honourable lady, and therefore I have no doubt that you will see to this matter as soon as you read my email. Given all that I have read about your husband recently, I would prefer it if you did not send a personal cheque – I am sure you understand. It would be much better if you could transfer the money directly, either via Western Union money transfer or MoneyGram. Kindly make the payment using the following details: Receiver’s name: Gilbert Arnold Murray Test question: Relationship? Answer: Admirer I look forward to hearing from you, my dear, with confirmation that my expenses are on their way to me. Your ever loving servant, Gilbert Murray PS. Have you thought any more about what I said regarding that idiot Adaba? I am convinced that he and the moronic Wool are up to no good. Should I go to Interpol or not? I realise that your good name has been dragged through the mud recently anyway as a result of your husband’s shortcomings, and I have no wish to cause you any further grief, so if you would rather I did nothing, you must let me know. If I do not hear from you, I shall forward all of Adaba’s emails to my friend at Interpol on Monday. I am sure they will be able to track him down and find out what he’s really up to. BREAKDOWN OF EXPENSES
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