In which Reverend Murray receives an email from yet another dying millionnaire who is seeking to donate her unfeasibly large fortune to a good cause. As luck would have it, Gilbert’s unusually large organ is still in need of urgent attention. The lord truly does move in mysterious ways...

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray – vicar of Saint Bodkin’s Church, Gypping in the Marsh.
Jennifer Daramar – allegedly a dying millionnaire with an eye for a good cause.
John Peth Maja – allegedly Mrs Daramar’s lawyer.

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Dear in Christ

Sent: Fri, 15 Jul 2023 12:16:39 +0300

Dear in Christ,

My greetings to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am sister Jennifer from Africa.

I am married to Archdeacon Collins Daramar whom until his death served as an archdeacon in the St Micheal’s archdeaconry in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2002. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the bible is against.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $8.5 million in a bank here in Abidjan, the capital of Cote d’Ivoire, for safekeeping. Presently, my doctor confirmed to me that I have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilise this money the way I am going to instruct herein.

I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, helping the widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The bible made us to understand that “blessed is the hand that giveth”. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband’s relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health, hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your reply I will give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan.

I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.

Due to present condition of my health, I was warned by my doctor to avoid receiving or making any call. For that, I have submitted the information of the deposit to an Abidjan based lawyer. As soon as I hear from you I will forward to you the lawyer’s contact.

Remain blessed in the lord.

Yours in Christ,

Sister Jennifer Daramar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Re: Dear in Christ

Sent: Tue, 19 Jul 2023 16:35:59

Dear Sister Daramar,

I have just read the extraordinary email you sent to me last week.

First of all, let me say how terribly sorry I am to hear of your fatal illness. I was touched greatly when I read of your plight.

However, dear lady, you will be pleased to hear that God has pointed your email in the right direction. In fact, your email has come to me at an ideal moment. Allow me to explain.

I am vicar of Saint Bodkin’s Church in the parish of Gypping in the Marsh, and I am currently raising funds for the restoration of the church’s magnificently large organ. The organ restoration fund is well short of the sum required to carry out all of the necessary work. However, your generous offer would provide Saint Bodkin’s with more than enough money to restore its unusually large (and historically important) organ completely.

In fact, given the huge sum of money involved, I am sure that there would be an awful lot of money left over. I am sure that I would be able to spend that wisely for the good of my church and its parishioners. I am sure that the local orphanage, Saint Bunty’s, would accept a donation with gratitude.

God truly does move in mysterious ways, does he not? While on the face of it, it seems a terrible shame that he has seen fit to rid the world of you and your husband, the good lord seems to have a plan in mind, for surely God himself has instructed you to contact me and offer me these funds to lavish on my immense organ.

Kindly send me more details, my dear lady. I look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime, I will pray for the deliverance of your soul.

May God be praised!

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Dear in Christ, your response

Sent: Tue, 19 Jul 2023 20:45:32 +0300

Dear in Christ Rev Gilbert Murray,

Thank you for your email confirming your readiness and willingness to assist me. Well you may be surprised to receive my proposal especially when coming from a strange person but a Christian and after fasting and prayer to God to direct me on who will be a trusted and honest person whom I can repose my confidence and that will not disappoint me based on my faith and belief in God almighty, I decided to contact for this great help and with God all things are possible and hoping you will give me your support and co-operation for the success of this transaction. Following are the necessary steps to be taken for the success of the transaction.

You will be required to send me your bank particulars like your bank name, bank address, account number and account name and when I receive this information from you I will forward it to the bank here for processing and approval and when the approval is obtained the bank will contact you for confirmation before the transfer is effected. It will not take more than one week to complete this transfer from the day your bank information is submitted to the bank here.

When the fund arrives in your account you will send me some money and a letter of invitation for my travelling to your country. You will also help me to invest this fund in the house of the lord and also into a good lucrative business in your country under your management.

I will continue to count on your help and for us to move forward we have to both display attitudes of trust in each other and hoping you will not let me down at the end but my faith in God will not disappoint me and I will continue to pray for God’s divine intervention.

I will be waiting to hear from you with the requested informations. I will also contact a lawyer here who will assist me presently. I am at the hospital.

My proposal to you is not a joke. Help a widow please. I will also pray for your family.

Thanks and have a blessed day!

Yours sincerely,

Sister in Christ Daramar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Regarding your generous offer

Sent: Wed, 20 Jul 2023 09:15:16

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. It is gratifying to see that even though you say that you are too ill to make a telephone call, the good lord has given you the strength to leave your hospital bed and type out a lengthy email. May God be praised!

Does the bible not tell us that Jesus made blind men walk and lame men see? I will pray that God, the son and the holy ghost team up and work together to heal you of the illnesses that currently wrack your failing body.

My dear lady, I am delighted that you are willing to donate such an immense amount of money to the restoration of my unusually large organ. My parishioners will be eternally grateful to you for this act of selfless generosity.

However, before we move forward, there are a few small questions I have to ask you. As they say, the devil is in the detail.

Firstly, you have asked me for details of my bank account. Would you like me to send you details of my personal bank account, or of the bank account I have set up especially for the Saint Bodkin’s Unusually Large Organ Restoration Fund? I am proud to be able to tell you that we have already managed to raise £26,000 for the restoration of the organ, and the money is sitting in that bank account right now, earning interest as we speak. Please advise which bank account you would like details of.

Secondly, you mention travelling over to this country once the transfer has been effected. Are you sure this is a wise move, my dear lady? If you are too ill to make a telephone call, I would have thought that an international flight might be too much for your weakened constitution to bear.

Thirdly, you told me in your email on Friday that you wanted to use this fund “for orphanages, helping the widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained”. However, you are now saying that you want to invest the money into “a good lucrative business”. I am somewhat confused. Surely you cannot be saying that you want to invest this money into a profit-making organisation? As I am sure you know, my dear lady, that would be going against scripture, and therefore against God. Did not Jesus cast out the fishmongers from the house of the lord and urge them to repent? Once I have completed the restoration of my unusually large organ, I was planning to donate the rest of the money to the local orphanage, Saint Bunty’s Home for Parentally-Challenged Children. I am sure this is a better idea. What do you think?

Please get back to me with answers to my three questions as soon as you can drag your ailing body out of your hospital bed and back to the computer keyboard, my dear lady. And mind you don’t pull out any tubes as you do so: we don’t want you sitting at the right hand of the lord just yet, do we? At least not until the money transfer has been completed.

Thank you once again for this marvellous act of charity. I have no doubt whatsoever that your actions in this life will be rewarded tenfold in the afterlife. I will pray fervently that this will be the case.

May the good lord bless the sheets of your hospital bed.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Sister Daramar please contact the lawyer

Sent: Wed, 20 Jul 2023 15:24:49 +0200 (CEST)

Dear Brother Rev Gilbert Murray,

I am happy reading from you showing me that you are really willing to assist me. As I told you in my first mail I have decided to donate this fund into the ministry of our lord helping the poor and those who are in need. Yes, I mentioned lucrative business. I think you can as well invest part of the fund so that brothers and sisters can work for their daily bread, but in the other way if you think is needless we can forget about that and use all the fund for the work of our lord.

We can use any account for the transfer (your personal). Before travelling to your country I have to be in good condition, not now but later, and also once the fund is transferred to your account I will tell you the amount you will send to me for my travelling to your country and also to pay for my hospital bills etc.

I agree with you donating the rest of the fund to the orphanage.

I have a computer in my room at the hospital.

Brother, I have contacted a lawyer here who will assist me while I am in the hospital and I will like you to please contact him. He will forward your bank info to the bank here with an application requesting them to effect the transfer to your account in your country without any delay.

I have no children. This is the reason why I want to help the poor with this fund.

Att: Barrister JOHN PETH MAJA, MAJA CHAMBERS AND LAW FIRM (legal consultant)

Tel: +225 07821598

Fax: +225 20387566

Email: maja_chambers1@yahoo.co.uk

Snail 13 bp 190 Abidjan 13

Contact him.

May the almighty God bless you and your family.

Sister Daramar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I will contact the lawyer immediately

Sent: Wed, 20 Jul 2023 16:27:67

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for answering my questions so promptly and for sending me details of the lawyer you would like us to use. I will make contact with Mr Maja immediately.

I cannot thank you enough for donating this money to my church. I can barely believe that I am going to be able to restore the church organ at last. I look forward to the day when I will be able to display my unusually large organ in all its glory to the ladies and gents of the parish. I am sure that their jaws will drop open in astonishment when they see the size of my organ. But that will be nothing compared to the looks on their faces when I show them what I can do with it.

I know also that the Director of Saint Bunty’s will be overjoyed when he hears about the money that you have agreed to donate towards his orphanage. I understand that they are in dire need of funding at the moment: they were expecting to receive a large donation from a Mr Mohammed a few weeks ago but that came to nothing for some reason. As it happens, I am having dinner with the Director of Saint Bunty’s this evening. I cannot wait to tell him the good news.

May the angels of the lord sing you to sleep at night.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: Regarding the ailing Sister Jennifer Daramar

Sent: Wed, 20 Jul 2023 16:32:44

Dear Mr Maja,

I am writing to you regarding one of your clients, the ailing Sister Jennifer Daramar.

I am the vicar of Saint Bodkin’s Church in the parish of Gypping in the Marsh. Sister Daramar has kindly offered to donate her considerable fortune to my church’s organ restoration fund.

I am proud to be able to say that I have the largest organ in Lincolnshire. However, it has been sadly neglected of late and is in need of some urgent attention. The money that Sister Daramar is offering to donate to my church will enable me to restore my unusually large organ to its original condition.

Sister Daramar tells me that you have all the details that are necessary for us to move forward. I would be grateful if you could respond to my email and inform me of the steps we need to take in order to facilitate the transfer of this money into my bank account.

May God bless your legal practice.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Regarding the ailing Sister Jennifer Daramar

Sent: Wed, 20 Jul 2023 18:23:05 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Thank you very much. In brief introduction I am Barrister John Peth Maja.

Yes, Mrs JENNIFER DAMARA contacted me to assist her to transfer the late husband fund into your account in your country. All I need from you is your bank information which has to be forwarded to the bank for the transfer:

Bank name.
Bank address.
Bank telephone and fax numbers.
Personal information (your full contact home address, telephone and fax number).

Please call me on the phone.

Barrister JOHN PETH MAJA

+225 07821598

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: Are we talking about the same person?

Sent: Thu, 21 Jul 2023 09:31:42

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you for your email. Before we go any further, could you please confirm that we are indeed talking about the same person? The saintly woman I have been in touch with is called Sister Jennifer Daramar (note the spelling), yet you are referring to someone called Mrs Jennifer Damara. Are these one and the same person, or are we talking at cross purposes here?

Also, you have asked for the name and address of my bank, but you have not asked for my bank account number or my bank’s sort code. Surely you will need this information in order to have the money transferred into my bank account? Please advise.

I must go now and give my organ a good polish. The Verger used to do that for me, but he got into a spot of bother last year over a few dubious pictures that were found on his computer (I am sure it was all a frightful misunderstanding) and as a result of that he is away on a sabbatical polishing the silverware in Pentonville chapel for the next seven years (or three and a half with good behaviour). With the Verger away I am having to do everything myself around here.

Anyway, my dear fellow, I don’t want to worry you with my little problems. I am sure you have lots of work to do yourself. Do get back to me as soon as you can, won’t you? I shall be waiting for your email.

May Jesus ensure the success of your legal cases.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. Am I right in assuming that you are a good Christian fellow? I do hope so. I wouldn’t like to think that I was dealing with a heathen.

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: We are talking about the same person

Sent: Thu, 21 Jul 2023 12:47:50 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

This is to acknowledge receipt of your email.

Hope fine, if so let’s give thanks to God almighty. We are talking about the same woman, Sister Jennifer Daramar, who is at the hospital for now. It was the spelling.

Yes, I have been appointed to handle the transaction in conjunction with you, through the doctor who is taking care of her at the hospital.

I need you to forward to me your full names, address, phone number, and your bank account information.

I will be meeting with the bank today to enquire the modalities for the transfer of this fund into your account in your country.

God bless you,

Barrister J P Maja, Principal Partner

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: My bank details

Sent: Thu, 21 Jul 2023 14:54:07

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you for your email. I am relieved to hear that we are indeed talking about the same person and that it was merely your somewhat relaxed attitude to spelling that was at fault. I do hope you pay a bit more attention to spelling when you are drawing up legal documents. My own lawyer, Welsby, tells me that accuracy counts for everything in the legal world.

Anyway, enough of your inattention to detail, and back to the business at hand. Here is the information you requested:

Name: Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray

Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK

Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, UK

Bank account name: Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray

Bank account number: 74053275

Sort code: 21-38-19

You say that you are meeting with Sister Daramar’s bank today to discuss modalities? I do hope that your discussions go well. Do get back to me as soon as you have more information.

May God bless Sister Daramar’s bank and its modalities.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I have an idea

Sent: Thu, 21 Jul 2023 16:33:19

Dear Sister Daramar,

How are you today, my dear lady? I am praying for you and I am going to instruct my congregation to pray for you too at this Sunday’s service.

You will be pleased to hear that everything is going well with Mr Maja. Between you and I, his spelling leaves a lot to be desired, but apart from that he seems to be a jolly efficient chap.

I had the Director of Saint Bunty’s round for dinner last night, and as I expected, he was overjoyed with the news that you have agreed to donate a large amount of money to his orphanage. The orphanage finances are not too healthy at the moment, and the Director confided to me that he has been worrying that if they did not receive an injection of cash in the near future, they would have to resort to selling some of the children over the internet again. Of course, officially that kind of thing is frowned upon, but he told me that apparently the parlous state of the orphanage’s finances would have left him with no other option. Anyway, thanks to your generosity, it looks as if things will not come to that.

I have been thinking about how best to spend the $8.5 million that you have agreed to sign over to me. I anticipate that restoring my unusually large organ will cost around £250,000 and that Saint Bodkin’s church needs about £400,000 spending on it in essential repairs (the roof, in particular, is in a bad way). However, even after we have spent these large sums, we will have a huge amount of money left over, and it seems a shame to me to give it all to Saint Bunty’s orphanage when there are good causes closer to home that some of it could be spent on.

I did wonder whether it would be a good idea to spend some of the money on a new car for myself. I get around the parish by bicycle at the moment and although this does keep me fit, Gypping in the Marsh is a large parish and my old legs aren’t quite what they were. Buying a new car would make it much easier for me to travel around and visit my parishioners. You could say that it would help me spread God’s word and do the lord’s work.

Of course, I wouldn’t want anything too flash. However, this is a rural parish, so a four wheel drive vehicle would probably be a good idea. I was thinking of a new Range Rover myself. They do a model with a very nice leather interior and with satellite navigation which would help me find my way around the parish.

What do you think, my dear lady? Do you agree that this would be a good way to spend some of the money? Please let me know your thoughts.

May Jesus ensure that you are comfortable in the hospital and ensure that any bed sores are kept to an absolute minimum.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent response please

Sent: Thu, 21 Jul 2023 18:38:49 +0100 (BST)

Sir, Reverend Gilbert Murray,

I have taken note of your bank details. I will like us to follow the law of the bank. Following my last mail to you, I went to the bank today as I told you in my last mail, which I meet with the Director of the International Remittance Department concerning the transfer of Sister Jennifer Daramar late husband fund into your account.

As the new beneficiary of this fund now the bank requested that you should fill this form and send a copy of it back for future reference.

Please call me as soon as possible.

Maja

The remittance form
(Click to enlarge)

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Jennifer

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 09:25:32 +0200 (CEST)

Dear Rev Gilbert Murray,

How are you? I hope all is well with you. If so, thanks be to God almighty.

After reading your mail yesterday I was real happy with it. I want to let you know that you are free to do whatever you want to do with this fund as far as is the work of God is consign. You are free to invest the fund in the house of the lord. Once the fund gets into your account, buy a new car for yourself as you requested.

There was no connection yesterday at the hospital so that was the reason why you did not hear from me.

Please try to inform me as soon as the fund gets into your account so that I will tell you the amount you will send to me for my hospital bill etc.

The lawyer visited me yesterday evening. He also told me that your bank information has been forwarded to the bank here with an application. I am real happy that everything is moving fine between you and Mr Maja. I am thanking you again and again for the assist.

I will stop here because I am feeling weak. I will look forward to hear from you as soon as you receive my mail. Till then my regards to you all and may the almighty God continue to guide you all in Jesus name Amen.

Thanks,

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I am glad you approve

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 12:04:46

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. I am glad you approve of my plans to use some of the money you are generously donating to my church in order to purchase a new Range Rover. Believe me my dear lady, it will help me immensely in my work as I travel around the parish spreading the word of the lord. I will cycle to my local Land Rover dealership tomorrow and have a preparatory chat with them.

You will be pleased to hear that Mr Maja has sent me a form which he wants me to complete and return to him. I have a couple of small queries about how to fill in the form, so I will get back to him immediately and ask for his advice and assistance.

I hope you will have a comfortable weekend in the hospital. Tell me, dear lady, are they feeding you well? Please do try to keep your strength up, if only until the money has been transferred into my account.

May the cooks in the hospital kitchen be inspired by the example of our lord Jesus Christ and feed you and all the rest of the patients with bread and fishes.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: A few queries

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 12:10:31

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you ever so much for sending me the remittance form. I have examined the form, and I have a few small queries about how to fill it in: official paperwork has never been my forte. As a lawyer, I imagine you are much more used to filling in forms than I am, so I would be grateful if you could offer me the benefit of your advice.

Firstly, section 2 of the form asks for my telephone and fax numbers. I do not have a fax machine. Does this matter? What should I put on the form?

Secondly, what should I write in the section entitled “Name of company”? Being a vicar, I do not work for a company as such; I work for the lord.

Thirdly, sections 5 and 9 once again ask for my telephone and fax numbers. Why does the form ask for these three times? I only have the one telephone. What should I put in these sections? Should I enter the same telephone number again or should I ignore the sections completely? See also my point above about not having a fax machine. Does this matter?

Finally, the form asks me to endorse my signature “twice below and above”. The wording of this is somewhat ambiguous: does this mean that I have to sign my name two times (ie once below and once above) or four times (ie twice below and twice above) on the form?

I look forward to receiving your advice on these matters, my dear fellow. My own lawyer, Welsby, has often impressed upon me the importance of filling in paperwork correctly and given the large amount of money at stake I do not want to make any mistakes.

May God bless you, your family and the people that you meet in the course of your daily business.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. How are the modalities coming along? Well, I hope.

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: A few queries

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 13:27:58 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Sir, thank you very much. Yes I would have done that but the bank requested that the beneficiary should fill and return a copy to the bank, which Sister Jennifer have chosen you to be.

If you do not have a tel or fax it does not matter. I will defend that. Name of company you put your occupation, please endorse your signature twice below and above.

Please sir do return the form today so that I will forward same to the bank before they close You know that today is Friday. Try your best. This form is the only thing holding the transfer of this fund.

Please call me if possible after sending the form.

Bye,

Maja

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: I am still confused

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 14:27:20

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you for your email. I think I understand most of the form now that you have explained it, but I am still confused by how many times I am expected to sign my name.

You have advised me to sign the form “twice below and above”, but this is precisely the same wording that the form itself employs... and which I do not understand, as it is open to misinterpretation.

As I pointed out to you in my last email, this could either mean that I have to sign the form two times (ie once below and once above) or four times (ie twice below and twice above). Which is it, my dear fellow? Please clarify.

Perhaps, as you are evidently finding it difficult to explain things, it would be worth me showing a copy of the form to my own lawyer, Welsby. He may be able to help me understand it better. What do you think?

In fact, Mr Maja, do you think it would be worth me getting Welsby involved in this business anyway? If any legal issues crop up at this end, it might be useful to have him to hand to deal with them as soon as they arise. Welsby’s a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. He also charges extremely reasonable fees.

Welsby’s got the sharpest legal brain I’ve ever come across. He proved invaluable the other year after an unfortunate incident involving some loose stonework on the top of the steeple, a sudden gust of wind and an unfortunately-positioned wedding party who were taking photographs at the foot of the tower.

Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges against the church dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award us costs against the bereaved families.

I can’t recommend Welsby highly enough. Let me know if you’d like me to contact him, my dear fellow. I am sure he would be able to help us out in this business.

And do get back to me as soon as you can with a definitive answer to the question of how many times I need to sign the form, won’t you? Given Sister Daramar’s somewhat precarious state of health, we don’t want to hold this business up any longer than is strictly necessary.

May the good lord add a much-needed touch of precision to your legal advice.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Do what I ask you to do, sign and return the form today please

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 14:40:29 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Please sir, sign the form once below and once above. This is the only thing the bank needs. Do this today.

We lawyers do ask for consultation fee but I did not ask until this fund is transferred to your account.

Read from you soon.

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: BE FAST

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 14:53:13 +0100 (BST)

Sir,

Sign and return the form. I will fill the rest with the information you sent by myself and send it to the bank before they close.

MAJA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: Thank you for your clarification

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 14:53:44

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you for your clarification. Now that we have cleared up those little matters, I am in a position to complete the form satisfactorily.

I will do my best to fill in the form this afternoon and get it back to you before the end of the day, but I cannot guarantee to be able to do so; we have a christening at the church tomorrow and I have a lot of preparation to do beforehand. After all, I don’t want a repeat of the farce we had at the christening before last, when I am ashamed to say that I did not have time to make adequate preparations. When the time came to christen the baby, I found to my horror that I had completely forgotten the name of the little child and in my confusion I made up a name for the little mite on the spot. The child’s parents were not best pleased to say the least, but I am sure that little Horatio will grow into his name as he gets older.

I must get back to work: I can hear the calling of the lord. I will try my best to get the form back to you before the end of the day, but if I cannot do so I will endeavour to return it to you first thing on Monday morning.

May Jesus help me to remember the name of the little child I am christening tomorrow.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. Should I get Welsby involved in this business or not? Please advise whether you think it would be worthwhile, my dear chap.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: I have signed the remittance form

Sent: Fri, 22 Jul 2023 15:46:21

Dear Mr Maja,

You will be pleased to hear that I have found time to print off and sign the remittance form. I do appreciate your offer to fill in the rest of the form on my behalf. As I believe I mentioned earlier, filling in forms is not my forte.

I have signed the form twice, in accordance with your instructions. I do hope I have done so correctly.

Once you have filled in the rest of the form on my behalf, I would appreciate it if you could send a copy of the completed form to me as well as to the bank so that I can keep my records up to date. I look forward to receiving a copy of the form from you later today.

I do hope you have a pleasant weekend, my dear fellow. I very much look forward to returning to work on this transaction first thing on Monday morning. Do let me know about Welsby, won’t you?

May God watch over you and everything you do this weekend, and offer advice where appropriate.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

The signed remittance form
(Click to enlarge)

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Barrister Maja (do your best)

Sent: Sat, 23 Jul 2023 12:02:42 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

I met with the bank yesterday, where the money is deposited. I will send a copy of the form to you on Monday.

Be informed that there is a drug law clearance certificate to be obtained from the drug law enforcement agency here. This certificate goes along with the transfer for your bank to receive the money without any questions. The edict requiring this was enacted after the September 11th bombing of the USA and it is compulsory for anybody effecting transfer from here to other parts of the world.

The said certificate is issued after the payment of a fixed fee of ten thousand three hundred US dollars to the drug law office here.

She wants you to help her pay for this certificate so that the money will be transferred. Without it, the bank cannot effect the transfer.

The funds in the bank here was comprehensively insured and comprehensive insurance policy here under such circumstances stipulates that nothing can be withdrawn or deducted from the funds until it gets to a new beneficiary, which Sister Jennifer Daramar has chosen you to be and it automatically effects a change of ownership, since the money was originally deposited in the name of her late husband. It means the clearance certificate is to be paid from her pocket but she does not have the means and she wants you to help on that.

This humble and God fearing woman has gone through a lot in life and she is presently at the hospital here. So kindly let this be concluded without delay so that she will join you there and please, remain honest to her.

Out of this, I will be able to provide six thousand dollars which includes squeezing my pocket dry, borrowing from a close friend and my wife, who is a secondary school teacher. I just returned from the funeral ceremony of my late father and I spent money as the first son. So you will have to do your best to look for four thousand three hundred US dollars for us to complete and get the clearance.

Sister Jennifer Daramar says that when the money comes into your account, you will withdraw some amount and send it here for her travel expenses to come and meet you, including giving me my legal fees and refunding the six thousand dollars which I am contributing to this clearance certificate.

The International Remittances Department Director in charge of the transfer is Mr Koffi, tel: +225 08212084. The bank will resume work on Monday morning.

Feel free to call me.

Barrister Maja

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Maja

Sent: Sat, 23 Jul 2023 12:56:15 +0100 (BST)

Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Sir, please send the four thousand three hundred US dollars to this account number below:

SOCIETE GENERAL DE BANQUES EN COTE D’IVOIRE

Bank Address: Siége social, 5 ET 7 Avenue Joseph Anoma, 01 BP 1355, ABIDJAN 01

Account number: 131400042_27

Account name: Attobrat Mouloubra Clementine

Swift: SGCI CIAB

Telex: 23741 SG PORT

God bless you,

Barrister Maja

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE HELP

Sent: Sat, 23 Jul 2023 19:17:37 +0200 (CEST)

Dear Reverend Gilbert Murray,

The lawyer Mr JOHN PETH MAJA visited me this morning at the hospital. He told me that the bank requested that he should forward to them a drug clearance certificate before my late husband’s fund will be transferred to your account in your country.

This document was one of the items confiscated by the rebels when our house was invaded by the rebels at the city of Bouake now in control of rebels.

It is not anybody’s fault. I never knew about this so since the bank has informed the lawyer about this there is nothing we can do but to go for the documents. He told me that it has to be done before the transfer can be effected.

The lawyer told me that he will provide part of the money. Please please, you know my situation. All my hope is in this fund lodged with the bank here. I do not have anything at hand, please try your best.

Remain blessed in Jesus name.

Amen,

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: I don’t understand

Sent: Sun, 24 Jul 2023 13:05:22

Dear Mr Maja,

I have just read the last two emails you sent me, my dear fellow. This is extremely disturbing news about the “drug law clearance certificate” you say we now need in order to effect the transfer.

I don’t understand why we need such a certificate. I am a Church of England vicar, for heaven’s sake. I have never had anything to do with drugs in my life (apart from a brief flirtation with ecstasy and acid during the evangelical rave craze that swept through the Church of England in the early 1990s, but every vicar was doing it then so it seemed alright).

In any case, I have been clean since 1994. Why then do we need such a certificate? Please explain.

May Jesus ensure that your shoes always have a brilliant shine.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Another idea on how to spend the money

Sent: Mon, 25 Jul 2023 09:37:22

Dear Sister Daramar,

I hope you had a comfortable weekend in the hospital and that the pains that are no doubt wracking your weak and ailing body are not too unbearable.

My parishioners all prayed for you during yesterday’s service. I hope and trust that our prayers are being answered in heaven. Given the strength of our combined prayers, I expect that God himself is taking personal responsibility to ensure that you do not die before the conclusion of this money transfer. At the very least I expect him to be delegating this important duty to his son Jesus, or possibly to the Holy Ghost if Jesus is busy with other things.

I must say, I was somewhat distressed to hear about this “drug law clearance certificate” that Mr Maja says we need. I have to admit that I don’t really understand the ins and outs of this sort of thing, so I have asked Mr Maja for an explanation. Hopefully he will get back to me today so that we can get this sorted out.

One more thing, my dear lady. I had another thought this weekend on how to spend some of the money that you are donating towards my church. I often hold parish meetings in Hemlock Cottage – the vicarage – but the cottage is not very large and it often feels crowded. I was wondering whether you might agree to spending some of the money on having Hemlock Cottage extended. What I had in mind was an extension to the south side of the house, incorporating an extension to the lounge and dining rooms, a larger kitchen, two ensuite bedrooms above and a conservatory, and perhaps a spa bath, at the rear.

What do you thing, Sister Daramar? Extending Hemlock Cottage would make things a lot easier for me as I do God’s work. Why only yesterday I had a couple of the ladies from the Gypping in the Marsh Womens’ Institute round for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, and it got ever so crowded in the small lounge. It’s terribly difficult to enjoy a bit of crumpet when the ladies’ elbows keep on knocking into you.

May the Holy Ghost sit by your hospital bed in this your time of need and nourish you with the grapes of the lord.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Call me

Sent: Mon, 25 Jul 2023 14:43:57 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Rev Gilbert,

Sir, I am glad after reading your last mail. From what the board of directors told me this morning, they said that the country is in war, that before any big fund like this can be transferred out of the country, the owner must forward to them a clearance certificate to prove that the fund is not for drug etc. This does not mean that Sister Jennifer’s late husband’s fund is for drug. Please understand this.

From what my client Sister Jennifer told me she said that this certificate was one of the items confiscated by the rebels when the house was invaded by the rebels.

The edict requiring this was enacted after the September 11th bombing of the USA and it is compulsory for anybody effecting transfer from here to other parts of the world.

Please call me on phone.

Barrister Maja

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: I have an idea

Sent: Mon, 25 Jul 2023 16:19:02

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you for your email. I must say, I didn’t realise that your country was at war at the moment. From reading your last email, it sounds as if you didn’t realise either. You must have been ever so shocked when the board of directors told you about it.

Tell me, my dear fellow, what kind of war is it that is going on? Is it part of the “War on Turr” that President Bush is always talking about? I must admit that I don’t really understand any of this myself. I did look up Turr in my world atlas some time ago to find out where it was, but it didn’t appear in the index. I had always assumed that it was somewhere in Afghanistan or Iraq, but perhaps it is somewhere else after all. Is there anywhere called Turr in the Ivory Coast?

Anyway, regardless of all this, you will be pleased to hear that I have an idea. Rather than spending such a large amount of money just to obtain a certificate that states that the money transfer has nothing to do with drugs, I could ask the Bishop to write a short testimonial to that effect, which we could send to the bank. Being a Bishop of the Church of England, surely the bank’s board of directors would accept his word without demur?

What do you think, Mr Maja? Do you think the Bishop’s word would be sufficient? It would save us from having to spend all that money on a simple certificate. Do let me know what you think.

May God ensure that you always get a good night’s sleep.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. I am still waiting for you to send me a copy of that form that you completed on my behalf and forwarded to the bank. Do send it to me by return, there’s a good fellow. I do like to keep my paperwork up to date.

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please help

Sent: Mon, 25 Jul 2023 17:44:51 +0200 (CEST)

Reverend Gilbert Murray,

As I told you in my last mail, you are free to do whatever thing you want to do with the fund once it gets to your account in your country, provided is for the work of the lord, Amen.

This document was one of the items the rebels took away when our house was raided by the rebels, and I will like you to please assist the lawyer. The lawyer told me that he has part of the fund, so help with the remaining balance please.

The political problem here is escalating every day by day. Thank you for the prayer.

In regards to your last mail, I discussed with the my lawyer this morning and it was made clear to me that it is not possible, money cannot be withdrawn from the account until after it has been moved into your account as the new beneficiary because it was deposited in my husband’s name, who is dead now. And the money was given a comprehensive insurance coverage and the comprehensive insurance policy demands that nothing will be removed from the money as well, it has to go completely the exact amount into your account.

God bless you and your family.

Sister Daramar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Pray do not worry; everything is in hand

Sent: Mon, 25 Jul 2023 17:06:43

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. It is heartening to see that despite the war and turmoil that is apparently wreaking havoc in your country, your hospital is managing to maintain uninterrupted internet access for its patients. I think our own National Health Service could learn a thing or two from the hospitals in your country.

So, this certificate was taken away when your house was raided by rebels, was it? That must have been terribly inconvenient for you. Some house guests can be so rude, can they not? Why only last year I had a curate visiting me for a couple of weeks, and the fellow never remembered to put the lid back on the jam when he had finished using it. I have my little daily routines and I found it all extremely distressing, so believe me, my dear lady, I know how you feel.

Anyway, I am in the process of sorting everything out with Mr Maja, so don’t you worry about a thing. You just concentrate on getting better.

May Jesus ensure that your porridge is never too hot and never too cold, but always just right.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. I am pleased to see that you approve of my idea for extending Hemlock Cottage. I will contact a local builder in the morning and get an initial estimate for the work I have in mind.

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: What is your idea...

Sent: Mon, 25 Jul 2023 20:15:46 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

If you are ready with Sister Jennifer Daramar you contact me.

I do not have much to say. Talk to her. You can as well send your Bishop to the bank here.

Thank you,

Maja

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja; Cc: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: You’re not being very helpful

Sent: Tue, 26 Jul 2023 09:31:49

Dear Mr Maja,

I must say, my dear fellow, you’re not being very helpful. I’m bending over backwards here, doing my utmost to come up with a way of getting this money transferred into my bank account without us having to pay this outrageously high fee for some piffling little certificate, yet you don’t even seem capable of sending me a polite and reasoned response. Your last email was extremely terse, and I thought it verged on being rude. That is no way to address a man of the cloth, Mr Maja. It is certainly no way to address someone who is going to be paying your professional fees at the end of this transaction.

If you read my last email a little more carefully, you will find that I was not in fact suggesting sending the Bishop over to Africa. That would be impractical in the extreme: not only is he a very busy man, but I know for a fact that he is also allergic to wildebeest, so a trip to Africa would be out of the question. I was suggesting that we ask the Bishop to write a short testimonial on our behalf, and forward it to the bank. If you do not think that the word of a Church of England Bishop will be enough to satisfy the bank, please say so.

I am merely trying to save us money here, Mr Maja. It sounds as if you are rather short of money at the moment and I am hardly rich myself, so I am merely trying to do us both a favour. You do not seem to appreciate that fact.

You see, Mr Maja, I simply do not have the $4,300 that you are asking for. We vicars are not paid well at all; our true reward comes in the next life.

Of course, I am treasurer of the Saint Bodkin’s Unusually Large Organ Restoration Fund, which currently stands at a total of £26,000. I suppose if it came down to it and there was no alternative to us obtaining this certificate, I could always borrow money from the organ restoration fund and use it for the purposes of this transaction. However, that would be strictly irregular, and if anyone in the parish or the church found out that I had taken money out of the fund I would be in serious trouble. But maybe there is no alternative.

I need your advice, Mr Maja. Is there no way we can avoid having to obtain this certificate? If that is the case, I will have to seriously consider withdrawing money from the organ restoration fund... on a temporary basis, of course.

Please get back to me by return with your advice. We are wasting time here, and given the poor state of Sister Daramar’s health, I fear that we cannot afford to waste much more.

May the good lord show us the right way forward.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Maja

Sent: Tue, 26 Jul 2023 13:15:46 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your last mail. Please, say no to the Devil in Jesus’ name. What are you trying to say? Do you know what God has prepared for you? I am really embarrassed by your comments and at same time shocked. Where is your faith, brother?

It is not your responsibility to spend money but it is because I do not have it to help out this woman. I recently returned from the funeral of my late father and as the first son, I spent a lot.

Moreover, the law profession here is like earning from hand to mouth, nothing much from it because people are not much used to seeking legal assistance for daily activities.

Please, I demand an apology. If I have used bad word to you, God is in heaven and knows the heart of everybody. Truth is straight, it is felt, smelt even from a million miles away, so keep your mind straight.

The clearance certificate, proving the money to be free from drug, terrorism and money laundering offences, will be obtained by me and it follows along with the transfer and your bank receives the money without any questions because it has been declared as coming for investment. You will just be in the comfort of your home or office and your bank calls you to inform you the money is there and free to be used. Once you send the four thousand three hundred US dollars I will go to the court for the procurement of the clearance certificate.

The woman will join you, later.

God bless you, Amen,

Barrister Maja

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Maja

Sent: Tue, 26 Jul 2023 13:20:47 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

You can as well call me on phone as I do not have your phone number. Or you send to me a copy of your ID or passport.

Try from your side.

Maja

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: Shall I withdraw the money from the organ restoration fund then?

Sent: Tue, 26 Jul 2023 14:29:11

Dear Mr Maja,

You are confusing me now, my dear fellow. I appreciate that you are short of cash – no doubt you felt obliged to buy several rounds of drinks for everybody at your father’s recent funeral – but I have already told you that I do not have $4,300. I am merely a poor country vicar.

The only way I could possibly get hold of that amount of money would be to withdraw it from the Saint Bodkin’s Unusually Large Organ Restoration Fund. If there is no alternative then that is what I shall do, but if anyone finds out that I have used the funds for another purpose I will get into terrible trouble with the Bishop. I could even be excommunicated for the misappropriation of funds.

With this in mind, I am only willing to withdraw money from the organ restoration fund if I can be sure of being able to replace it within a week: that way, the chances of anyone finding out will be minimised. Mr Maja, can you give me a guarantee that once I have transferred the money you need to you, the $8.5 million will be transferred into my bank account within a week?

If you can give me this assurance, I am willing to proceed. If you cannot, I am afraid that I will have to pull out of this whole affair.

I trust that you can appreciate my dilemma. Please get back to me immediately.

May the hands of Jesus guide me through this transaction and may we all be protected in his beard of love.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Yes withdraw money from the organ restoration fund

Sent: Tue, 26 Jul 2023 19:57:04 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Top of the day to you. As you said sir, go ahead and withdraw money from Saint Bodkin’s Unusually Large Organ Restoration Fund. I told sister Jennifer Daramar and she said that once the fund gets to your account in your country, that you should withdraw first the four thousand three hundred US dollars before any other thing.

Please, I am not confusing you. Sir, you have nothing to fear. Once the clearance certificate is forwarded to the bank the fund will be transferred to your account in your country and you will be happy.

Please send the money tomorrow so that before Friday the fund will be transferred.

May the almighty God guide you on your going out and coming in.

Maja

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: I shall act upon your advice

Sent: Wed, 27 Jul 2023 09:01:57

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you for your email. My parishioners and I have worked hard over the past five years to raise this money for the restoration of my unusually large organ, but now that I have received your assurance that everything will be alright, I feel slightly more comfortable about the idea of withdrawing money from the organ restoration fund and using it for the purposes of this transaction.

I am rather tied up this morning – a party of musically-gifted children is visiting from the local girls’ school to have a look at my unusually large organ (I know that their music teacher is very keen to have a play with it herself) – but I will travel into town this afternoon, withdraw the money from the organ restoration fund and transfer it to the bank account you specified.

I will get back to you later this afternoon when I return from town to confirm that the transfer has been made.

May the good lord offer to water your garden for you while you are away on holiday.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The account

Sent: Wed, 27 Jul 2023 11:00:13 +0100 (BST)

Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Sir, thank you very much. I confirm to you the account again. After sending the money please send the payment slip so that my accountant will go to the bank with it.

SOCIETE GENERAL DE BANQUES EN COTE D’IVOIRE

Bank Address: Siége social, 5 ET 7 Avenue Joseph Anoma, 01 BP 1355, ABIDJAN 01

Account number: 131400042_27

Account name: Attobrat Mouloubra Clementine

Swift: SGCI CIAB

Telex: 23741 SG PORT

God bless you,

Barrister Maja

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: I have transferred the money

Sent: Wed, 27 Jul 2023 14:33:44

Dear Mr Maja,

I have just returned from the bank. I transferred $4,300 out of the organ restoration fund into my own bank account, then transferred it to the account you specified. The bank told me that transfers like this generally take three to four working days to go through, so the money should be in the account by Monday at the very latest.

I have scanned in a copy of the transfer receipt and attached it to this email for your convenience.

Tell me, Mr Maja, how soon after the transfer is complete will you be able to obtain this drugs clearance certificate and complete the transfer of the $8.5 million into my own bank account? I must admit that I do feel rather nervous, having withdrawn money out of the organ restoration fund in such a way. I am not supposed to do that. We must ensure that the transfer goes through as soon as possible, Mr Maja, otherwise I could get into terrible trouble.

I am placing my trust in God, and in your no doubt capable hands.

Incidentally, I am delighted to be able to tell you that the local schoolgirls very much enjoyed their visit to the church this morning. There were a few gasps of astonishment as I drew back the curtain in the organ loft and exposed my unusually large organ in all its glory to the assembled schoolgirls.

Their music teacher turned out to be a very gifted musician – a true professional – and she couldn’t wait to get her hands on my organ. She commented that she had never seen one quite as large as that in all her life, and from what I hear, she’s come across quite a few large organs in her time. It was wonderful to see a real pro running her fingers over my organ. I was overcome with emotion when she started to play and by the time she had finished, she had made me go weak at the knees.

May Jesus speed the transfer of the $4,300 into your specified bank account.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

Gilbert’s forged bank receipt
(Click to enlarge)

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Bless you

Sent: Wed, 27 Jul 2023 21:49:44 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Reverend Gilbert Murray,

How are you? I hope all is well with you. If so, let’s praise God almighty who has done it for us.

Well, the lawyer visited me this evening. And he said you have made the payment to the account he gave to you. Well I want to thank you for that. I am pleased to hear that from him.

Please do not forget what I told you. Once the fund gets to your account please try and send me my hospital bill.

But I think we will wait for the money to get here because he told me that the money will get here in 5 to 10 days. We shall wait and see.

Please, I will stop here because I am not feeling fine. I will get back to you tomorrow. May the almighty God be with you and all members of the church, Amen!

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: No, bless you, my dear lady

Sent: Thu, 28 Jul 2023 09:51:56

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. I am very well – thank you for asking – so let us indeed praise God almighty.

As you are aware, I transferred the $4,300 to the account Mr Maja had specified yesterday. As I do not have that kind of money to hand myself, I had to withdraw the money temporarily out of the Saint Bodkin’s Unusually Large Organ Restoration Fund. I am not supposed to do this – I am holding the money in trust for the restoration of my unusually large organ – and I could get into terrible trouble if anyone found out that I have used the money for any other purpose. If the Bishop ever found out what I had done, I have no doubt that he would excommunicate me.

I must admit that I am not entirely comfortable with this state of affairs. However, Mr Maja has assured me that the $8.5 million will be transferred into my account very shortly, so I should be able to replace the money before anyone finds out that it has gone missing. And it will all be worth it in the end: after all, when the money comes through, I will have enough money to be able to restore my organ straight away.

I was talking to the Director of Saint Bunty’s Home for Parentally-Challenged Children last night, and he came up with what I think is a splendid way of spending some of the money that you are donating to us. He has always been a fan of horse racing, and he suggested that it might be a good idea to use some of the money to purchase a race horse.

I did wonder at first how the purchase of a race horse could possibly be seen as doing the work of the lord, but the Director of Saint Bunty’s persuaded me with what I feel were some very cogent arguments. He suggested that if we purchased a race horse and entered it into races, we could use some of the other money that you are donating to place bets on the horse. We could then spend our winnings – which he assures me could be considerable – on doing God’s work.

Keeping the horse would be no problem: apparently there is a paddock around the back of the orphanage, and the Director of Saint Bunty’s suggested that he could turf out the orphans from one of the ground floor dormitories, which could then be converted into a stable.

What do you think of this idea, my dear lady? I prayed to the lord for guidance on this matter last night, and he told me that he had consulted with Jesus and that they both approved of the idea. After all, does scripture not tell us that Jesus himself rode into Jerusalem (or somewhere like that) on the back of a donkey? That just goes to show that he was obviously a fan of all things equine.

You mentioned your hospital bills. Of course, that will be no problem. Tell me, do you know how much they will come to when your treatment is complete?

On the subject of your health, how are you getting on? You sounded as if you were at death’s door when you first contacted me, but your more recent emails have made it sound as if you are getting better. Is this the case? I do hope so.

Let me know what you think about the race horse idea. The Director of Saint Bunty’s is champing at the bit to get started looking for a suitable animal.

May God bless your little cotton socks.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: John Peth Maja

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Let us pray

Sent: Thu, 28 Jul 2023 12:32:47 +0100 (BST)

Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Yes I have received a copy of the payment slip. My accountant forwarded same to the bank yesterday.

Under the payment slip your bank said it will take 5 to 10 working days. I pray so that everything will work out fine.

Don’t you have any number through where I can call you? You can as well call me.

God bless you,

Maja

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: Have faith, my dear fellow

Sent: Thu, 28 Jul 2023 15:14:11

Dear Mr Maja,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that you received the copy of the payment slip that I sent to you.

Have faith, my dear fellow. I am confident that God will ensure that everything will work out to my complete satisfaction in this business. I have prayed for him to keep a watchful eye on the money as it is in the process of being transferred from my bank to yours. Being omnipresent as he is, this should not prove to be too much of a burden for him. In fact, I would not be surprised to hear that Jesus was keeping an eye on things too.

The money is already winging its way into the bank account that you specified and on top of that, we have God on our side. So don’t worry, my dear fellow. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

You asked me to call you. In fact, I have noted that you have asked me to call you on a number of occasions. I must apologise for not having done so, and feel that I owe you an explanation.

As a Vicar of the Church of England, I do not earn a wage as such (although the church does grant me a small monthly stipend for essentials), and my accommodation is provided for me free of charge by the church itself. As it does not pay me a wage, the church pays all of my household bills – including my telephone bill. Obviously, the church is not made of money, so they stipulate that I must try to keep all costs down to a minimum. To this end, I only use the telephone for essential church business.

On top of this, the church has actually blocked my telephone – indeed, the telephones of all its vicars – from making or receiving international calls. It was forced to take this regrettable step after a Vicar in a neighbouring parish ran up an enormous telephone bill last year by repeatedly calling so-called “chat lines” which were apparently based in the South Pacific. This means that could not call abroad now even if I wanted to.

So, I trust that you can now understand my situation regarding the telephone, my dear fellow. However, we seem to be doing very well at the moment communicating by email, and I see no reason why this should change.

Please contact me as soon as you hear that the $4,300 has arrived in the bank account that you specified. I hope you will be able to obtain the drugs clearance certificate we need as soon as the money has been transferred: time is of the essence.

May Jesus offer to lend you his sandals if you ever find yourself on a stony beach having lost your shoes.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: A problem

Sent: Fri, 29 Jul 2023 09:42:44

Dear Mr Maja,

I have just received a call from my bank manager. Apparently there is a problem of some sort with the bank transfer I made the other day.

Mr West would not give me any details over the telephone; he asked me if I could call into the bank today to see him in person so that he could explain the problem to me. I really don’t know what can have happened – I have checked the receipt that the bank gave me and I definitely transferred the money to the correct account – so I am going to call into the bank later today to see what the problem is.

Don’t worry, Mr Maja; I’m sure it won’t be anything I can’t sort out. I will get back to you later today as soon as I get back from the bank.

May the good lord be at my side, giving me sound financial advice, as I sort out the problem at the bank.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja

Subject: A shocking development

Sent: Fri, 29 Jul 2023 14:34:25

Dear Mr Maja,

I have just returned from the bank, where my bank manager gave me the most shocking and peturbing news. I really do not know what to make of it at all.

My bank manager explained that my bank subscribes to something called the Worldwide Automatic Banking Intelligence Tracking System (WABITS), which monitors bank accounts around the globe that are used for a variety of criminal purposes, including advance fee fraud, money laundering, the funding of terrorism and other illegal activities. He told me that all transfers made through my bank are run through this system as a matter of routine.

Apparently, the account to which I was attempting to transfer the $4,300 – the account you gave me details of – has been flagged as “potentially dangerous” in the WABITS system. My bank has therefore placed an automatic stop on the transfer and has returned the money into my account.

My bank manager explained that as soon as the automatic stop was placed on the transfer this morning, he contacted WABITS for more information. He told me that he spoke to a Mr E Fudd, who informed him that the account to which I was attempting to transfer money is currently being monitored by the authorities, as it is being used for criminal activities, including fraud!

He also printed out a WABITS report for me, which gives more information about why the money transfer was stopped. I have attached a scanned copy of the report to this email.

What do you make of this, my dear fellow? Can you offer any sort of explanation as to what is going on? I have to tell you, I am extremely confused. I can only presume that you were not aware that this bank account was being used by fraudsters, or you would not have asked me to transfer money into it. Praise be to God that we seem to have narrowly avoided losing a great deal of money by inadvertently transferring it into the hands of fraudsters.

Looking on the bright side, the report that my bank manager gave to me indicates that the authorities are fully aware of the individuals involved in this fraud and are on the verge of arresting them. And not a moment too soon, I am sure you would agree.

But where do we go from here, Mr Maja? I really do not understand what is going on. I still need to get this $4,300 to you so that you can obtain the drugs clearance certificate. But if I can’t transfer the money into this bank account, how else can I get it to you?

Please get back to me as soon as you can. I need your advice. I am very confused.

May the holy lamb of God protect us all from fraudsters with its fleece of truth and honesty.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: John Peth Maja; Cc: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: What shall we do now?

Sent: Sun, 31 Jul 2023 11:19:55

Dear Mr Maja,

I am somewhat perplexed that you have not yet responded to the email that I sent you on Friday, regarding the disturbing news that my bank gave me.

I can only assume that you were as shocked and surprised as I was when you found out that the bank account you asked me to transfer money into is being used by fraudsters. It really is terrible: you seemingly can’t trust anyone these days.

But at least I know that I can trust you, Mr Maja. What is more, I need your advice, my dear fellow... I need it now more than ever.

What are we to do? I still need to transfer $4,300 to you so that you can obtain that drugs clearance certificate. Please get back to me by return and advise me how I should get the money to you now. Should I send you a cheque?

I await your response.

May God ensure that these fraudsters are punished extremely severely by the devil in the afterlife.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Get back to me

Sent: Mon, 01 Aug 2023 10:04:36 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Reverend Gilbert Murray,

How’s everything? I hope God is taking control on everything. Well I do receive your previous mail but I could not get back to you seeing as I am on prayer.

Though I have heard all you said but I want to assure you that the account is not of that you and your bank think.

But if you find it so then I advise you send it through Western Union transfer. Hope that will be OK. If you find it OK please do let me know so that I will talk to Maja of it.

But I hope this is not a joke because you sound strange. Please tell me are you really serious with this transaction. Please I need you to be serious with this because right now Mr Maja himself is confused and tired.

Please I will like to hear from you as soon as you receive this mail. May the almighty God continue to guide each of every members of the church. Looking forward to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I am relieved to hear from you

Sent: Mon, 01 Aug 2023 09:56:11

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email, my dear lady. I hope and pray that God is working tirelessly to relieve you of your current suffering. Tell me, how is your current state of health?

I presume that Mr Maja has informed you of the devastating news that my bank gave to me on Friday: it appears that the bank account to which Mr Maja asked me to transfer the money is under investigation as is it being used by criminals. This came as a huge shock to me... I imagine it must have been just as big a shock to Mr Maja and you.

Anyway, as soon as my bank’s automated systems discovered this, my bank cancelled the transfer immediately, so you will be happy to hear that my money is safe. Praise be to God.

I am slightly concerned that I have not heard back from Mr Maja since I told him about the status of the bank account. Is he alright? You say that he is confused and tired. Maybe the poor man is still in shock after hearing the news about the bank account. Anyway, we need to get this sorted out, so please ask Mr Maja to pull himself together and get back to me immediately. There is work to be done, and we are not going to achieve anything if he continues to mope around and does not respond to my emails in a timely fashion.

We must find some other way to get this money to Mr Maja so that he can obtain the drugs clearance certificate that we need in order to complete this transaction. Please get Mr Maja to contact me as soon as possible so that we can make alternative arrangements.

May Jesus guide us through this transaction with his torch of truth and his map of honesty.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar; Cc: John Peth Maja

Subject: Mr Maja has not been in touch

Sent: Tue, 02 Aug 2023 09:42:37

Dear Sister Daramar,

I am sorry to report that Mr Maja has still not been in touch with me since the disturbing news I got from the bank on Friday. I thought you were going to talk to the man and arrange for the payment of the $4,300 to be made via Western Union. Perhaps you have been too ill to do so.

I must admit, my dear lady, that Friday’s episode is starting to make me think twice about this whole affair. My parishioners have worked hard to raise all that money in the organ restoration fund and have entrusted me with its safekeeping. But thanks to Mr Maja’s quite frankly dreadful advice, I nearly transferred some of it into a bank account that is apparently operated by fraudsters! My parishioners would never forgive me if they found out about that... and nor would God, in all likelihood.

You may be interested to know that I have just been contacted by a jolly nice Nigerian chap called Abacha, who – like you – is offering to donate a large sum of money to my church. It is gratifying to see that West Africa is obviously packed full of people like yourself, with good charitable hearts.

Things are starting to get urgent, my dear lady: the Range Rover salesman is now pushing me to put down a deposit on the car I want, my builder is keen to get started on the extension to Hemlock Cottage and the Director of Saint Bunty’s tells me that he has found the ideal race horse. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is to let you down, but if Mr Maja does not get back in touch with me, I am afraid that I will have no option but to move forward with Mr Abacha instead.

I will give Mr Maja until the end of the day. If I have not heard back from him by then, that is what I have decided to do. Could you see if you could prompt Mr Maja into action, my dear lady? Tell him that Jesus hates a slacker. That might urge him on a bit.

I hope to hear back from you and Mr Maja by return.

May the good lord teach Mr Maja the importance of good communication, and may Jesus work with him to improve the quality of his legal advice.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: What do you think?

Sent: Wed, 03 Aug 2023 10:40:04 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Gilbert Murray,

How are you today? I hope all is well with you. Please do bear with me for not hearing from me, is just that I was with some of my church members and they are here for prayer.

I want to let you know that Mr Maja is not feeling OK. That is the reason why he hasn’t got back to you. I was informed by my doctor but he said that I will tell you if possible you should send the money through Western Union.

If you agree let me know so that I can send you the details from here. Right now he’s not feeling OK.

What do you think? I will look forward to hear from you as soon as you receive this mail. My blessings to you and to all at Saint Bodkin’s.

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Please send me the details

Sent: Wed, 03 Aug 2023 17:10:22

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that Mr Maja is not feeling well. I do hope it is nothing fatal.

On a more positive note, it is good to hear that you have been praying with some of the members of your church. God will be pleased. Keep it up.

Regarding this “Western Union” that you have mentioned. If this is a viable method of getting the money to Mr Maja then I am more than happy to use it. I must admit that I am not entirely sure what exactly it means. Is it anything to do with trades unions? I do hope not: the Bishop doesn’t hold with organised labour in the church. The last time some of my fellow clergy tried to organise themselves into a union, the Bishop locked them out of their churches and brought in scab vicars to conduct Sunday services. It was a difficult decision to make, but I decided not to cross any picket lines myself. Happily the dispute ended peacefully, but the Bishop made it clear to us all that he would not stand for unionisation of the clergy.

Presuming that “Western Union” has nothing to do with organised labour, please send me details by return so that I can get the money to Mr Maja tomorrow.

May Jesus bring you and Mr Maja back to health and turn your water to wine.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Details Forwarded

Sent: Wed, 03 Aug 2023 22:07:27 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Rev Gilbert Murray,

How are you? I hope God is taking control on everything. Well I want to thank you for your mail and I am really happy that you want to send it through the Western Union.

Though I am still with my church members with me in the hospital but they will be leaving by tomorrow morning.

Below you will find the details. Please send along with the payment slips. May the almighty lord continue to guide and protect you through this transaction, Amen!

And may the peace and lord be with you and all your church members as I look forward to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

Sister Jennifer

BELOW:

Name: Fredrick Ikechukwu Obi

Address: 220 Adjame Log

Country: Cote d’Ivoire

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Who is this “Mr Obi”?

Sent: Thu, 04 Aug 2023 09:10:46

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. I must say, my dear lady, that I found it somewhat confusing: I was expecting you to ask me to send the $4,300 directly to you or Mr Maja, but you are asking me to send it to someone else entirely, who I have never heard of before. Who is this “Mr Obi”? And what has happened to Mr Maja? I haven’t heard from him for quite some time now.

I have to say, I had expected more from Mr Maja. Given that we are going to be paying him for his services at the end of this transaction, he doesn’t seem to be working very hard on our behalf. Is there any chance you could have a word with him and ask him to buck his ideas up where communication is concerned?

It really isn’t on, if you ask me; it is Mr Maja who should be dealing with this affair, but he seems to be leaving all the hard work to you, a sick woman in hospital. Shame on him for his thoughtlessness. No doubt God is taking note of the shoddy way in which he is going about his business and will have a word with him about it in the afterlife.

Of course, if Mr Maja is no longer interested in working on this transaction, I could always ask my own lawyer, Welsby, if he could step into Mr Maja’s dusty shoes and act on our behalf in this matter. What do you think, my dear lady? If Mr Maja doesn’t start showing some signs of action, I think getting Welsby involved could be a good move.

Let me know who this “Mr Obi” character is and tell me what you think about us getting Welsby involved, my dear lady. I look forward to hearing from you.

May the virgin Mary ensure that your clothes never shrink in the wash.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I will transfer the money to Mr Obi as soon as I have heard from Mr Maja

Sent: Thu, 04 Aug 2023 14:42:02

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email, and for asking after my health. I do indeed find myself extremely healthy, so let us indeed praise God. I must admit that I do feel rather exhausted at this moment in time, but that is my own fault: I spent over an hour this lunchtime playing with my unusually large organ and the exertion has really taken it out of me. By the time I had finished playing with my organ I felt completely drained. Never mind, I am sure that a nice cup of tea and a prayer or two will restore my energies.

So, Mr Obi is your doctor, is he? In that case I am happy to transfer the money to him. No doubt he is a splendid chap. Let us just hope that he doesn’t spend so much time helping you out with your banking arrangements that he forgets to treat the maladies that are currently afflicting you.

However, before I am willing to withdraw the money and send it to Mr Obi, I must insist that Mr Maja gets in touch with me and gives me his assurance that he will waste no time in using the money to obtain the drugs clearance certificate from the authorities. I am still concerned that nobody must find out that I am withdrawing the money from the organ restoration fund. If poor old Mr Maja is currently lying in his sick bed, there is not much point transferring the money to him yet, as he will not be able to do anything with it until he is better.

Therefore, my dear lady, kindly instruct Mr Maja to email me immediately and confirm that he will get to work on our behalf as soon as Mr Obi collects the money. I will transfer the money to Mr Obi as soon as I have heard from Mr Maja.

May Jesus persuade Mr Maja to wake up and smell the coffee.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: He will be out

Sent: Fri, 05 Aug 2023 09:45:01 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Gilbert Murray,

Good morning to you this morning. How are you? I hope all is well with you. Praise God.

Well I want to let you know that I am tired of all this. If it is your will to help me out of this then do help me out.

I heard from Mr Maja last night through my doctor and he assures me as soon as you send the money he will be out to make sure everything is been done.

So I want you to send the money as soon as and wait for the next step from Mr Maja. Let me know soon.

Thanks,

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I will transfer the money to your doctor first thing on Monday morning

Sent: Fri, 05 Aug 2023 10:23:11

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. All is indeed well with me, so as you say, praise God. Is all well with you?

I am sorry to hear that you are getting tired of all this. I suppose it is not surprising, given the current state of your health: you must tire easily. If it makes you feel any better, I am getting tired of these endless delays too, my dear lady. If you ask me, it’s all Mr Maja’s fault. He’s the one who caused a delay by asking me to transfer money into a fraudster’s bank account (thank the lord that my bank found out about that before it was too late), and now he appears to be completely incommunicado.

It’s far from being the most impressive performance I’ve ever seen from a lawyer. My own lawyer, Welsby, cuts far more of a dash in the legal world than Mr Maja has done so far. Mr Maja could do with taking a leaf out of Welsby’s book if you ask me.

Never mind, it is heartening to hear that Mr Maja will be back on the case as soon as I have transferred the $4,300 to your doctor. I will view this as Mr Maja’s chance to redeem himself.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to transfer the money to Mr Obi today as I am expecting a visit from a group of female vicars from other parishes in the diocese. Apparently they have heard rumours about the size of my organ and they are keen to see it with their own eyes to find out if it really is as large as everyone has told them. I am very much looking forward to showing off my organ to them: I am sure they will not be disappointed when they see exactly how large it really is.

I will travel into town first thing on Monday morning and transfer the $4,300 to Mr Obi. I trust that this will be acceptable to you; please let me know. Hopefully then next week we can make some real progress... provided that Mr Maja pulls his finger out, of course. Looking on the bright side, this short delay will give Mr Obi a chance to concentrate on healing you without having to worry about going to the Western Union agent at some point today.

I will ask my congregation to pray for you again on Sunday, my dear lady. Do have a good weekend.

May Jesus, the carpenter’s son, use the wood from his cross and the nails from his hands and feet to construct a comfortable and sturdy chair for you to sit on.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Till Monday as you said

Sent: Fri, 05 Aug 2023 22:51:23 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Gilbert Murray,

I hope all is well. If so, let’s glorify God.

Well I have heard all you have written. Seems you said you will send the money by Monday. Let’s wait till then.

I will go and have my rest now. Looking forward till then. Bless you and all the church members.

Sister Jennifer

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Waiting for you

Sent: Mon, 08 Aug 2023 11:36:20 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Gilbert Murray,

Good morning to you and every members of the church. Well I want to let you know that I am still waiting to hear from you as you said.

Please do get back to me as I will wait.

Bless you,

SISTER JENNIFER

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I have transferred the money to your doctor

Sent: Mon, 08 Aug 2023 11:14:49

Dear Sister Daramar,

How are you, my dear lady? I trust that you had a comfortable weekend in the hospital and that your doctor is looking after you well.

I am sorry to report that a rather embarrassing incident occurred during this Sunday’s church service. I had instructed the congregation to pray for you, our benefactor to be, and we were in the middle of a prayer that I had written specially for you when the church doors burst open and a streaker – a man without any clothes – ran down the aisle towards the altar, shouting “No more discrimination towards shellfish!”.

Well, I must admit that I was somewhat taken aback by this. We have not had a demonstration of this sort during a church service since three years ago, when the Archbishop of Canterbury issued a decree outlawing people with waxed moustaches from taking part in holy communion. I watched in horror from behind the altar as the streaker ran around the church shouting “We demand the freedom to eat whelks whenever we want!” and “Equality for cockles and mussels!”.

Thankfully, one of my parishioners, Major Rhode-Warrocks, was rather more on the ball, as it were, than I was: after he had got over the inital shock he jumped out of his pew and chased the streaker around the church. The streaker was very nimble on his feet and proved very difficult to catch: he narrowly escaped the Major’s grasp, firstly by the pulpit and then again by the font. However, the Major redoubled his efforts to catch the man, and finally managed to grab hold of him by the organ. He then covered the streaker with his coat and took him outside into the churchyard, where the Major and his two sons beat the man senseless for interrupting the service.

After the service, the Major and I went out into the churchyard and found that the man was still lying unconscious in the grass. The Major slapped him hard in the face until he regained consciousness then dragged him up onto his feet so that we could question him. It turned out that the man was a fishmonger and that he was protesting against the prohibition against eating seafood that can be found in Leviticus. Well, once we had found out the reason for the protest, the Major gave him one more solid punch in the face (I was somewhat unsure about the need for such violence, but according to the Major, that is the only language people like that understand) and kicked him off the church premises.

All in all it was a very disturbing incident, my dear lady, and I am sorry to say that as a result of the disruption, the congregation never got round to finishing their prayer for you. I do hope that this won’t affect your chances of making a full recovery. I’m sure that God will understand.

Anyway, you will be pleased to hear that I went into town first thing this morning, where I transferred the $4,300 to Mr Obi. I have attached a scanned copy of the Western Union receipt to this email. The Western Union agent told me that all the information Mr Obi will need to pick up the money can be found on the receipt.

When do you think Mr Obi will be able to pick up the money, my dear lady? Do you think he will be able to collect it today? After all the delays we have had in this business so far, I am very keen for Mr Maja to get the money as soon as possible so that he can obtain the drugs clearance certificate we need.

Please let me know as soon as Mr Obi has the money safely in his hands. I look forward to hearing back from you.

May God prevent you from being troubled by any streakers who are protesting about the restrictions laid down by books of the Old Testament as you lie in your hospital bed.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I doubt the receipt

Sent: Mon, 08 Aug 2023 16:42:25 +0200 (CEST)

Good day dearest Murray,

Thanks for sending the money, but I am still having doubts about this payment of Western Union receipt. It doesn’t look like the original one, you know?

Though today is a public holiday here in Cote d’Ivoire, I don’t think my doctor will get there for it, but I want you to proof this receipt very well, or are you joking? Well I got to find out to see if all this is real or not.

Hope to hear from you again with God’s blessing.

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I am shocked and offended by your lack of trust in me

Sent: Mon, 08 Aug 2023 16:20:23

Dear Sister Daramar,

I have just read the last email you sent me. I have to tell you, my dear lady, I am shocked and offended by your lack of trust in me.

How can you possibly doubt my word, Sister Daramar? I am a Church of England Vicar, for God’s sake. How can you possibly think that I could be “joking”? Why on earth would I want to joke with the woman who is going to come to the rescue of my unusually large organ? What would be the point in that?

This is simply ridiculous, Sister Daramar. You may as well accuse God himself of joking. In fact, given that I am the local personification of the church in and around Gypping in the Marsh, when you accuse me of joking, you are in effect accusing God of joking. And Jesus too. And the holy ghost.

And you know what that is, don’t you, Sister Daramar? I’ll tell you what that is. It’s blasphemy, that’s what it is. We know that God and his son Jesus do not joke, because the bible tells us so.

Think about it, dear lady. Can you think of one single instance in the entire bible in which Jesus cracks a joke? No, you can’t, and do you know why? Because there isn’t one. Not once in the entire book does Jesus tell a joke. Granted, he does a few magic tricks – the feeding of the five thousand and the turning of water to wine, for example – but although a conjuror he may be, a comedian he is most definitely not.

And as far as I know, there isn’t one documented instance of God making a joke either. Granted, some people have pointed towards the duck-billed platypus as evidence of a divine practical joke, but I have yet to be convinced of that myself. Apart from that one possible aberration, all the evidence goes to show that God and Jesus – and also, by implication, the holy ghost – are completely lacking a sense of humour.

Anyway, leaving my shock and offence to one side for the moment, what is wrong with the receipt I sent you? Obviously, it isn’t the original receipt: seeing that teleportation devices have yet to be invented, I couldn’t possibly have sent you the original receipt so that you would receive it on the same day. Instead I have done the next best thing and scanned in the receipt for you. I apologise if the scanned copy is perhaps not as clear as it could be, but my scanner is old and does not work as well as it used to do.

If you do not trust me, there is one way to find out whether the receipt is real: send Mr Obi to the Western Union office. Then you’ll see whether it’s real or not.

Mind you, if you do not trust me, I am starting to wonder whether there is any point in continuing this relationship. What is a partnership without trust? I have a good mind to go back to the Western Union office and cancel the money transfer I made this morning. However, I shall refrain from doing so. Do you know why, Sister Daramar? Because I care about you, that’s why. Even though you have hurt me deeply, your welfare is still uppermost in my mind.

I think you owe me an apology, Sister Daramar. I am deeply wounded by your accusations. If you apologise to me nicely, God may be good enough to forgive you for your outrageous blasphemy.

Send Mr Obi to the Western Union office. Then you will know for a fact that “joking” is the last thing on my mind.

May God forgive you for your lack of trust.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Jennifer Daramar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Rewrite and send to me

Sent: Tue, 09 Aug 2023 13:12:21 +0200 (CEST)

Dearest Gilbert Murray,

Good morning to you. Thanks once again but I want to let you know that my doctor is supposed to visit the Western Union today to collect the money.

Please I will like you to give me the details in writing as we cannot see it clearly here. Please do that as I wait to hear from you.

Thanks,

Sister Jennifer

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Here are the transfer details in writing

Sent: Tue, 09 Aug 2023 12:51:18

Dear Sister Daramar,

Thank you for your email. You say that you cannot read the information on the Western Union receipt? I must say, I knew that you were sick and in hospital at the moment, but I had no idea that your disease – whatever it is that is ailing you, you have not said – had affected your eyes.

Perhaps a visit to the optician would be in order once Mr Obi discharges you from the hospital?

Anyway, here are the details of the transfer in writing for you. If you have any trouble reading this, ask one of the nurses to help you:

Recipient’s name: Fredrick Ikechukwu Obi

Sender’s name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Sender’s address: Hemlock Cottage, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincs, UK

Reference number: AKR/98B-2

MCTN: 8311496283

Transfer amount: £2,418 (ie, $4,300 converted into Pounds Sterling)

Now be a good girl and send Mr Obi off to the Western Union office immediately. I am growing impatient with you, my dear lady, and it does not do to keep a representative of the lord waiting. Look what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Get back to me as soon as Mr Obi has collected the money.

May Jesus hold Mr Obi’s hand as he slopes off to the Western Union office.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: Has Mr Obi collected the money yet?

Sent: Wed, 10 Aug 2023 09:31:04

Dear Sister Daramar,

What is going on at your end, my dear lady? Has your doctor, Mr Obi, collected the money from the Western Union office yet?

I withdrew the money from the organ restoration fund two days ago now and to be perfectly honest with you, I am starting to grow nervous. I must insist that you get back to me at once and let me know what the situation is. We need to get things moving so that Mr Maja will be able to obtain the drugs clearance certificate and so that I will be able to replace the money I have withdrawn from the organ restoration fund as soon as possible.

If I do not hear by the end of the day that Mr Obi has collected the money, I am going to return to the Western Union agent to cancel the transfer so that I can replace the money into the organ restoration fund.

Get back to me at once, Sister Daramar. I am waiting... and so, therefore, are God, Jesus and the holy ghost.

May God prevent my parishioners from finding out what I have done with the money they have worked so hard to collect.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jennifer Daramar

Subject: I have cancelled the Western Union transfer

Sent: Thu, 11 Aug 2023 09:10:11

Dear Sister Daramar,

Given the lack of communication from you and the elusive Mr Maja regarding this business, I have cancelled the Western Union transfer I made to your doctor, Mr Obi. The money had been out of the organ restoration fund for far too long, and the fact that Mr Maja encouraged me the other week to transfer money into the bank account of a fraudster only added to my nervousness.

I am sorry, my dear lady, but I feel that I have no choice but to call a halt to this entire business. I prayed long and hard last night on this, and I am happy to say that God, Jesus and the holy ghost are all in agreement with my decision.

It is a real shame that you never got to see my unusually large organ in all its glory. I was looking forward to showing it off to you. Oh well, never mind. As Saint Mick said in his letter to the Venusians, “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find that you get what you need”.

May God ensure that your actions in this life are repaid one hundredfold in the afterlife.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray