It is me Beaker again. I am going to visit Lord Murray in hospital this evening with Lady Murray and I will pass on your greetings and I am sure he will appreciate it.

Thank you for telling me how much the fees will be. I will print out your email and take it with me tonight to the hospital and I will show it to Lord Murray and I will see if he agrees with it and if he does then I will transfer the fees to you.

I got an email from the bank about the deadline date and I will tell Lord Murray about that tonight and see what he says. For now if you can do anything to get this deadline extended please do it because I am doing this as fast as I can but it is difficult with Lord Murray being in hospital and Monday is not far away and if the bank declares Lord Murray’s claim invalid then he will sack me and I do not want that to happen.

I have got to go now because Lady Murray has asked me to help her out with something in her bedchamber. Lady Murray has a very large and expensive antique Chinese jewellery box and some of the lacquer is peeling off it so it needs a good clean. She told me that it has been a very long time since Lord Murray paid any attention to her box in the bedchamber and now that I am here and he is away she wants me to give her box a good seeing to.

I will send you an email later tonight or tomorrow when we get back from the hospital.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: What Lord Murray said

Sent: Fri, 12 Jan 2024 08:43:29

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. Me and Lady Murray went to the hospital last night to see Lord Murray and he is looking a bit better although he had to have another operation yesterday because the doctors realised that they had not managed to remove all of the buckshot from his backside during the first operation so he was in quite a bit of pain and he was not in a good mood.

He asked me how things were going with this transaction and I passed on your best wishes and I showed him the email that you sent me yesterday that I had printed out.

When he read the email he got very angry and he said that was not what he had agreed to pay you and he said that you were trying to rip him off and he called you some names which I will not repeat partly because I do not think you would like to hear them and partly because I did not understand some of them.

He got so angry that he got very red in the face and started to have difficulties breathing so Lady Murray called for a nurse and the nurse gave him an injection and sedated him and told him that he must not get angry because of his blood pressure.

When he had calmed down he told me what he had agreed to pay you earlier this week and he made me write it down on a piece of paper so that I would not get it wrong and this is what I wrote down:

For the certificate of legality: 750 Euros
For the affadavit of claim: 600 Euros
For the tax clearance certificate: 1,000 Euros
For your consulatation fees and service charges: 2,000 Euros

That comes to a total of 4,350 Euros not 14,850 Euros like you said and Lord Murray told me that he had agreed this amount with you earlier in the week and that in his opinion you were trying to take advantage of the fact that he is in hospital and that he does not take kindly to money-grabbing shysters and that he is not willing to pay you a penny more than 4,350 Euros and that if you do not like it then you can... well I will not tell you what he said you can do because it is not very nice and I do not want to offend you and I do not even think that what he said is physically possible and the goat protection division of the RSPCA might have something to say about it as well.

So Lord Murray told me to email you and tell you this and to find out whether you will do the work for 4,350 Euros and he told me to tell him what you said the next time I visit him in hospital and that if you agree to do the work for that amount of money he will give me the authority to send the money over to you immediately.

So please send me a reply as soon as you can and I will tell Lord Murray what you say when I go to visit him in the hospital later today.

I have got to go now because Lady Murray has offered to take me out horseriding with her. I have never ridden a horse before and I am a bit scared of them and I told Lady Murray that I am a bit worried that I might not be able to get onto the horse and to get down off the horse afterwards. But Lady Murray told me that she would let me ride her mare Davina and she told me not to worry because Davina is very well behaved.

Lady Murray told me that Lord Murray used to ride her all the time but that he has not done for a while now. She said that she is looking forward to helping me to mount her in the stable and that she was sure that I would be able to get myself off without any problems after a good long ride.

Please get back to me as soon as you can because I will check my emails when I get back.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: I HAVE NO OPTION THAN TO TERMINATE THE JOB AS I HAVE ALREADY STARTED THE JOB...

Sent: Fri, 12 Jan 2024 11:41:03 +0100 (CET)

Hello Beaker,

Thank GOD my client is getting better and I pray he get better soon, well I will not like his illness to increase more than this, so if he said it is 4,350 Euros he will pay, then tell him to go ahead and send it, so that I can procure those certificates like that I can terminate his job for him.

I have already embark on this job, so I have no option than to terminate the job, moreover the bank have called me and it is the bank that gave my contact to him, which I promise him that I am going to give him the best of my service, so go ahead and send the 4,350 Euros.

Please tell him to try as much as he can to send the money today, so that it will enable me to secure those certificates.

I have to go as I have a client to defend in the court this morning and I will check my mail once I am back from the court, but tell my client to make sure he send the 4,350 Euros today.

I await your urgent respond.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

HON Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

AKPARA & CO ASSOCIATES

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I will tell Lord Murray what you said this evening

Sent: Fri, 12 Jan 2024 13:41:47

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I am very pleased to hear that you will carry out this work for the amount of money that you and Lord Murray agreed. I will tell Lord Murray what you said this evening and I am sure that he will be pleased too. If you ask me it might raise his opinion of you. It can hardly make it any worse.

I am sure that once Lord Murray hears that you are willing to finish the job he will lend me his bank card and tell me his PIN number so that I can withdraw the money from his bank account and send it to you on Monday morning.

I had a lovely ride with Lady Murray this morning. She was right when she told me that I would soon get the hang of riding and she was also right when she told me that Davina was very well behaved. It took me a few attempts to get on top of her and she wriggled and squirmed a bit underneath me as I fumbled around trying to mount her but eventually I managed to. Once we got going she went at it hammer and tongs. She kept up a very fast pace and gave me the ride of my life. I was so exhausted by the end of it that Lady Murray had to pull me off with her bare hands.

The weather has got better this afternoon and Lady Murray has asked me to help plant some herb seeds in the walled garden. She is a very keen gardener and she is going to teach me how to be a gardener too because I do not know much at all about gardening. Lady Murray tells me that she is going to use her trowel to dig holes for the seeds and then water the ground so that it is wet. When her hole is nice and moist she is going to give me a signal to let me know that she is ready for me to unload my seed into it.

We are going to see Lord Murray early this evening so I will get back to you over the weekend and let you know what he said. Now that you have agreed on the amount of fees I am sure that he will give me the go ahead to send you the money first thing on Monday morning.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: Lord Murray has told me to transfer the money to you

Sent: Sat, 13 Jan 2024 09:31:55

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. Me and Lady Murray went to see Lord Murray again in the hospital last night and I told him that you had agreed to do the work for 4,350 Euros and he was very happy and he said that maybe you were not such a bad chap after all. So that is good news.

Lord Murray gave me his bank card and his PIN number and he told me to go to the bank and take out the money and send it to you first thing on Monday morning so that is what I am going to do.

Lord Murray was looking a lot better last night by the way and the nurses said that he will probably be up and about again within a week so that is good news too.

Seeing as you are a lawyer and that must mean that you are a very wise man despite all the things that Lord Murray has said about you can I ask for your advice please Mr Mohamed? You see while I was looking through the emails on Lord Murray’s computer I came across some very personal ones and I am not quite sure what to do.

Maybe I should not have read them but I was curious so I did and from reading the emails which are between Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe at Fockett Hall it seems as if Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe are having an affair. Some of the emails were very graphic in what they talked about and to be honest with you some of them made me feel a bit sick when they were telling each other what they were going to do to each other the next time they met.

To be honest with you I did not know that people got up to such things. Some of the things they were talking about were really horrible. In one recent email Lady Anne Detrampe was describing what she was going to do with one of her pet hamsters the next time Lord Murray came to visit. But given Lord Murray’s current condition I think they are going to have to postpone that particular activity until a later date.

I have grown quite close to Lady Murray in the past few days and I like her a lot and she is very kind to me and I am sure that she does not know about any of this and the disgusting things that Lord Murray gets up to with Lady Anne Detrampe and her hamsters and her chickens and the marrows from the garden. I am wondering whether I should tell Lady Murray about what Lord Murray has been up to because I think she deserves someone better. Someone who would be faithful to her. Someone like me maybe. And if she found out what Lord Murray had been getting up to I am sure that she would leave him and that would mean that she could then find somebody better and more faithful. And less perverted.

What do you think I should do Mr Mohamed? You must be a learned man so I would value your advice. Should I tell Lady Murray about what her husband has been getting up with with Lady Anne Detrampe or should I keep it to myself? It might hurt her to find out about it but I think it might be for the best in the long run. Please advise me. What would you do?

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: I AWAIT THE TRANSFER THE INFORMATIONS

Sent: Sat, 13 Jan 2024 13:44:31 +0100 (CET)

Hello Beaker,

How is my client feeling today? I hope better than before.

Well, I will wait for the informations of the transfer on Monday morning. I hope you still have the informations on how you will send the money? If no, then here is the informations again.

Send it by WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER with the name of my secretary MR MONDAY AZUKA.

On the issues of my client and the so call Lady ANNE DETRAMPE, I will advise you leave it within you, because if you should tell Lady MURRAY it will bring some kind of problem that might even affect you, so let the secret rest within you.

I await your urgent mail by Monday morning.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

HON AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: Are you sure I should not tell Lady Murray?

Sent: Sat, 13 Jan 2024 16:47:39

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. Are you sure I should not tell Lady Murray about what Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe have been getting up to behind her back? I am growing to like Lady Murray a lot and I think it is a terrible shame that her husband is doing things like that behind her back with another woman.

Some of the things they talk about in their emails are really disgusting. I think some of the things might actually be illegal in some countries. You are a lawyer so maybe you could advise me on that.

I just feel so very guilty that I know what Lord Murray has been doing and that Lady Murray has no idea. She is such a lovely woman and she is kind and intelligent and pretty and I think I may be falling in love with her and it is just not right the way that Lord Murray is treating her.

Are you sure I should not tell Lady Murray Mr Mohamed? I think it would be the right and decent thing to do. What do you think? I am not sure that I can carry on working for such a raging old pervert. I have my standards you know. Even if they are quite low.

Anyway I am going to see Lord Murray in hospital tonight again with Lady Murray and I will pass on your best wishes to the dirty old man.

Before we go to the hospital I am going to help Lady Murray in the kitchen. Cook is on holiday so Lady Murray is having to cook for herself and she is preparing a nut cutlet for dinner tonight but she has told me that she always finds it very difficult to crack the nuts so I have told her that I will help her. Lady Murray tells me that she is very much looking forward to seeing me crack one off in front of her.

Please do get back to me and let me know what you really think about telling Lady Murray about what dirty old Lord Murray has been getting up to. I really do not know what to do for the best.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Abu Bello

To: Beaker

Subject: Any improvement? Let me hear from you

Sent: Sun, 14 Jan 2024 06:02:40 -0500 (EST)

Hi Beaker,

How is my partner? I hope he has been discharge from hospital. Honestly when I read your mail that lord got an accident I was shocked and disappointed but I prayed to almighty God for his quick recovering and I want to know if he is getting better.

About the transaction at hand, on Thursday last week there was an officials meeting in the bank and matters concerning the transfer of our fund was brought out and the director deliberated that you are given on 15 of Jan 2007 to complete the documentation.

Now that lord handles this transaction business to you, I hope you are sending mail to the lawyer. Did you let him know that lord got an accident? Well I saw the lawyer at the director’s office on Friday and I know that he is there because of the business transaction.

Now if you did not tell the lawyer that lord got an accident please let him know and extend my greetings to lord and I pay for his quick in Jesus name amen.

Thanks,

Bello

From: Beaker

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I am sending the money to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed tomorrow

Sent: Sun, 14 Jan 2024 13:23:09

Hello Mr Bellow,

It is me Beaker again. Lord Murray is still in hospital and will probably be in there for another week or so because he has had two operations to remove all of the buckshot from his backside and the doctors say that he is comfortable but Lord Murray says that he is anything but.

Talking of removing things from peoples’ backsides do you know anything about what Lord Murray has been getting up to with his mistress Lady Anne Detrampe? I have been reading some emails that they sent to each other and it is quite disgusting and I am trying to work out whether or not to tell Lady Murray that Lord Murray has been playing around behind her back.

Anyway Lord Murray has given me his cash card and told me his PIN number and he has told me to go to the bank tomorrow and withdraw the money and send it to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed so that is what I am going to do.

I must go now because Lady Murray has asked me to help her make some sandwiches for the local womens’ institute which is meeting tonight. Lady Murray has had some very nice local sausages delivered from the butcher in the village. We are going to work as a team: she is going to spread the butter onto the bread while I cut up the sausages and put them into the sandwiches. Lady Murray tells me that she is looking forward to spreading them on the kitchen table so that I can put in the sausage.

I will let you know what happens after I have transferred the money to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: There is no Western Union agent near here

Sent: Mon, 15 Jan 2024 12:10:56

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I went to the bank this morning and I took out the money from Lord Murray’s bank account but when I asked at the bank if I could transfer the money to someone using Western Union they told me that they did not do that so I asked them where I could go to transfer money using Western Union and they sent for the manager and he told me that the nearest Western Union agency is quite a long way away from here.

I was very disappointed when I heard that but then he told me that the local post office does something called MoneyGram and that is apparently very much like Western Union and so the bank manager suggested that I should find out whether sending the money using MoneyGram would be OK so that is why I am emailing you now.

Could you ask your secretary Mr Wonday Azuka if it would be OK for me to send him the money by MoneyGram please and then get back to me and let me know?

I must go now because Lady Murray has asked me to join her in the morning room where she is doing the Times crossword and apparently she wants me to help out her with some of the clues that she is stuck on although I do not know how much use I will be because I am rubbish at crosswords. But Lady Murray has told me that she will teach me how to do cryptic crosswords and that in her opinion it is not worth doing a crossword unless it is hard to do. She tells me that there is nothing she likes more than getting to grips with a good hard one in the morning room each day.

Please get back to me as soon as you can and let me know if MoneyGram will be OK. I will check my email later but I do not know if I will get the chance to transfer the money now until tomorrow because this afternoon I have to drive Lady Murray over to see a friend of hers Lady Taibel at Dashett Hall. But if you tell me that MoneyGram is OK then I will go into the village tomorrow morning and I will go to the post office and I will transfer it then.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: MONEYGRAM IS OK BY THIS CHAMBERS, PLEASE TRY AND SEND IT TODAY

Sent: Mon, 15 Jan 2024 14:02:11 +0100 (CET)

Hello Beaker,

How are you and my client this morning? I hope all is well.

Beaker, my secretary said there is no problem with that, so you can send it by MONEYGRAM, but you must try and send it today as the deadline is just at the corner, so that it will enable us get the certificates today.

Please try as much as you can to send it today and also after sending it by MONEYGRAM, send the whole informations so that there will be delay in receiving the money.

I await your urgent respond today.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

HON Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: It will have to wait until tomorrow

Sent: Mon, 15 Jan 2024 13:52:38

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I am glad to hear that I will be able to send the money to your secretary Mr Monday Bazuka by MoneyGram because I will be able to do that at the local post office but it will to wait until tomorrow now because I am about to drive Lady Murray over to see her old friend Lady Taibel at Dashett Hall and after that we are going to visit dirty old Lord Murray in hospital and the post office will be closed by the time we get back.

But do not worry because I will transfer the money tomorrow morning. You asked me to send you the whole informations. What are the whole informations that you need?

I must go now because I have to polish the Bentley so that it is ready for the journey to Dashett Hall. Lady Murray tells me that she is very much looking forward to seeing her old friend Lady Taibel. Apparently they go back years and have always been close. Apparently Lady Taibel has a lot of pets and Lady Murray is particularly fond of her pussycat which is always very affectionate and likes to get lots of attention. Lady Murray tells me that she is looking forward to seeing her old friend and giving her pussy a good stroke.

Please let me know exactly what information you need from me once I have transferred the money and I will give your best wishes to Lord Murray when I see him this evening.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: PLEASE MAKE IT VERY EARLY SO THAT IT WILL ENABLE US RECEIVE AND SECURE THE CERTIFICATES

Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2024 00:02:19 +0100 (CET)

Hello Beaker,

I have heard all that you said, but try to make it very early tomorrow morning, so that it will enable us receive and secure the certificates. Also you should not make any mistake when sending the money, because any mistake will give us difficulties to receive the money in MoneyGram.

Beaker, the name of my secretary is MR MONDAY AZUKA, please you should not spell the name incorrect, and if not so we are going to find it difficult to receive the money.

Here are the informations you are to send to me after sending the money:

THE NAME OF THE SENDER
THE CONTROL NUMBER OF EIGHT DIGITS
THE SECRET QUESTION AND ANSWER, IF THERE IS ANY
THE COUNTRY WHERE THE MONEY IS COMING FROM

With all these informations, we will find it easy to receive the money and then go ahead to secure the certificates. Please you have to make it very early.

I await your urgent respond by tomorrow morning.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I have transferred the money to your secretary Mr Monday Azuka

Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2024 10:20:41

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I have just come back from the post office where I transferred the money to your secretary Mr Monday Azuka using MoneyGram. The postmistress told me that the money would be available for Mr Azuka to collect within a matter of minutes which is a bit amazing really when you think about it given how far away you are from here. I do not know how they manage to get the money across to you so quickly.

Anyway here are the details that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka will need to collect the money:

Sender’s name: Billy Beaker
MoneyGram reference number: 86221347
Test question: Beaker loves who?
Answer: Lady Murray
Country where the money is coming from: United Kingdom (where else would it be coming from?)
Amount transferred: 4,350 Euros

When I went to transfer the money the postmistress told me that she was not sure whether you would be able to collect the money in Euros in your country because you are somewhere in Africa and not in Europe and she told me that it would probably be safer if the money was converted into United States dollars because she said that United States dollars are used very widely around the world and she told me that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka would definitely be able to collect the money in United States dollars so she converted the 4,350 Euros into United States dollars and so the amount that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka will be collecting is not in Euros it is in United States dollars and it is $5,629.01.

Lady Murray and me went to see Lord Murray last night and he is looking a lot better but he was a bit annoyed when I told him that this transaction had not been completed yet and he told me to tell you to pull your finger out and stop delaying things because he wants everything to be completed as quickly as possible so there you go I am just passing on a message.

The doctors at the hospital told me and Lady Murray that Lord Murray should be able to go home in a couple of days which I suppose is good news but to be honest I am a bit sad about it really because I have enjoyed being on my own with Lady Murray and getting to know her and I do not think it will be the same when Lord Murray gets back to Hemlock Hall. I still do not know if I should tell Lady Murray about what dirty old Lord Murray has been getting up to with his mistress Lady Anne Detrampe.

I cannot understand why Lord Murray would want to take a mistress like Lady Anne Detrampe when Lady Murray is so kind and beautiful and nice. If you ask me Lady Anne Detrampe is a bit of a dog.

I must go because I am driving Lady Murray to the local girl guides’ hut this morning where she is handing out rosettes to the winners of the annual Gypping Good Girl Guide of the Year competition. Lady Murray does not know exactly how many rosettes she is going to have to hand out so she has told me that she wants me to stand right behind her with a supply of spare ones just in case she runs out. Lady Murray says that as soon as she runs out of rosettes she wants me to slip her one from behind without anyone noticing.

Please get back to me as soon as your secretary Mr Monday Azuka has picked up the money from the MoneyGram agent.

Thanking you,

Beaker

PS. Please do not tell Lord Murray what I put for the test question and answer because I do not want him to find out my true feelings for Lady Murray and I chose the test question and answer on the spur of the moment and I am regretting it already in case he finds out because he might sack me.

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: THE INFORMATIONS ARE INCORRECT, SEND US THE CORRECT INFORMATIONS IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2024 16:49:37 +0100 (CET)

Dear Beaker,

My secretary cannot receive the money as he was told that the informations are wrong, why wrong informations?

Please can you urgently cross check with the MoneyGram office where you sent the money from or cross check with the payment slip that the MoneyGram gave to you, because he was told that the number is incorrect?

I will be glad if you can resolve this matter immediately as my secretary is still in the MoneyGram office waiting for the correct informations.

Please be fast as we want to make sure we secure the certificates today and submit them to the bank by tomorrow. Please make sure that the address where the money is coming to is Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso.

Please call me once that is done on 00226-76-562-476.

I await your urgent call.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I am very sorry but I made a mistake

Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2024 17:25:02

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I was very surprised to find out from your email that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka had not collected the money yet. At first I thought that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka must have done something wrong or gone to the wrong place or something but then I double checked the receipt that the postmistress gave me and I can see that I have made a mistake with the MoneyGram reference number because it is 86229347 not 86221347 like I told you this morning.

I am very sorry Mr Mohamed but the postmistress has very bad handwriting and her 9s look a lot like 1s and that is why I was confused. I am very sorry if this has caused you and your secretary Mr Monday Azuka any problems and if it has delayed this transaction. Anyway now that you have the right number your secretary Mr Monday Azuka will be able to go and pick up the money right away.

Lady Murray and me are going to see Lord Murray in hospital very soon and he is bound to ask me how things are going and I do not think that I will tell him that I made a mistake and that the transaction might have been delayed because I do not think that he would be very pleased if he heard that and he might threaten to sack me and I do not want that so I think I will just tell him that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka picked up the money today and that the transaction is moving forward because by the time I get to the hospital he probably will have collected the money anyway now that you have the right number so it will not be as if I am lying to Lord Murray. I think it is for the best because there is no point in upsetting him if I can possibly help it.

After we have visited Lord Murray in hospital Lady Murray has told me that she is going to take me out for a meal in the local restaurant and that is very nice of her. I have not eaten in the local restaurant before because it is very expensive and I have never had much money so this will be a real treat and it will be a real treat to enjoy a meal out with a lady of quality like Lady Murray. In fact it would be a real treat for me to enjoy a meal out with any lady to be honest because I have not had much luck with women in the past and they are always getting the wrong end of the stick and I am getting sick of getting all these restraining orders.

Because I am Lord Murray’s butler and Lady Murray is Lord Murray’s wife Lady Murray has told me that she does not think that it would be right and proper for the two of us to be seen eating together in a restaurant without her husband because she says that she has her reputation to think of and that she has to be careful about being seen consorting with the lower orders so she tells me that she has made a special arrangement with the restaurant owner who is a friend of hers and that he is going to set up a special table in a private room for us and he is going to let us in and out through the back door of the restaurant so that nobody will see us entering or leaving. Lady Murray has told me to bring a torch because apparently the passageway that leads to the back of the restaurant is very dark. Lady Murray tells me that she is looking forward to a bit of eating out after I have taken her up the back passage.

Please get back to me as soon as your secretary Mr Monday Azuka has collected the money. I will check my email again first thing in the morning.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: I WILL ADVISE YOU STILL GO BACK TO THE MONEYGRAM OFFICE AND CONFIRM THE NUMBER

Sent: Tue, 16 Jan 2024 20:05:56 +0100 (CET)

Dear Beaker,

Honestly speaking I am not happy with the way you have delayed this transaction today, but I have accepted your apology, so what I will advise you to do is to go back to the MoneyGram office and confirm the number very well as I will not like to hear that there is another mistake by tomorrow, because it is tomorrow morning that my secretary will go back to the MoneyGram office as they have closed for today.

Once he receive the money by tomorrow morning, I will rush down to the ministries to secure the certificates as I have already book for the certificates. Please make sure that the number you have given me again is correct as I will not be happy if they should tell him that the number is not correct again by tomorrow morning.

Whatever be the situation of things by tomorrow, I will keep you inform, but still go back to the MoneyGram office and confirm the number very well.

I will keep you inform by tomorrow morning.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: It is definitely the right number now

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 08:53:27

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I asked Lady Murray to check the MoneyGram receipt after I had finished serving her breakfast this morning. She had darjeeling tea and hot buttered crumpets for breakfast. Lady Murray tells me that there is nothing like enjoying a bit of hot crumpet first thing in the morning.

Anyway she checked the receipt and she said that she was certain that the number on the receipt was 86229347 like I told you yesterday.

I forgot what I had written on the form as the test question and answer and when Lady Murray saw it she blushed slightly and told me that we had better make sure that Lord Murray never sees that form otherwise he would be very angry indeed if he knew how I felt about his wife. Then she said that she was very flattered but that there was no way that a lady in her position could ever consider conducting an illicit affair with one of the lower classes and certainly not after what happened with Mellors the gamekeeper the other year.

I came so close to blurting out what I know about dirty old Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe but I kept my mouth shut for now. But I am determined to show Lady Murray that I am a better man than Lord Murray and I will woo her and I will make sure that she finds out about Lord Murray and Lady Anne Detrampe and the hamsters and all that one way or another.

Anyway when we went to see Lord Murray in hospital last night I did not tell him that I had made a mistake with the number and I told him that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka had already collected the money and that things were progressing so your secretary Mr Monday Azuka had better pick up the money first thing this morning or else I will be in trouble with Lord Murray. Get back to me as soon as he has collected it because I will feel a lot happier when the money is safe in his hands.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: Definitely it is not the right number again, call me on this number 00226-76-562-476

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 11:30:47 +0100 (CET)

Dear Beaker,

The number is incorrect again, so I will like you to send me the payment slip so that I can go through it as the MoneyGram people over here said that there is nothing like that in the system.

Listen, you must know that you are delaying the whole things, If possible, I will advise you go and collect the money back and go to where you will find WESTERN UNION and send it by WESTERN UNION.

This will be the last mail I will send to you if I do not receive the money today.

I await your urgent respond.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: Here is a copy of the payment slip

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 11:12:42

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. What is your secretary Mr Monday Azuka playing at over there? I am sorry that I made a mistake the first time I gave you the number but he has definitely got the right number this time and here is a copy of the payment slip to prove it.

Does your secretary Mr Monday Azuka know what he is doing? It is not me who is delaying this transaction Mr Mohamed it is your secretary Mr Monday Azuka. When I transferred the money the other day the postmistress told me that collecting it at the other end was so easy that even a small child would be able to do it so why is your secretary Mr Monday Azuka having so much trouble?

Maybe it is your MoneyGram agent who does not know what they are doing. If I was you I would print out the copy of the payment slip and give it to your secretary Mr Monday Azuka and tell him to take it down to the MoneyGram agency and sort things out. In fact if I was you I would be very tempted to go with him to make sure that he did not manage to mess things up.

I am not happy about this Mr Mohamed because this is Lord Murray’s money that we are talking about and I have told him that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka has already collected the money and if he finds out that he has not done he will not be happy and he will sack me.

Print out the receipt and take it down to the MoneyGram agent and get this sorted out once and for all and get back to me when you have the money. I am not happy about the way you are handling this.

I must go because Lady Murray has just received some bad news in the post this morning because apparently an elderly relative of hers has died and she is very upset. She is sitting in the library crying and sobbing and she has asked me if I will pour her a stiff whisky. She tells me that when she gets upset nothing restores her spirits more than the butler giving her a good stiff one.

Get back to me as soon as you have the money. I am not pleased with you and Lord Murray will not be either.

Thanking you,

Beaker

(Click to enlarge)

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: PLEASE GO AND COMPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE MONEYGRAM OVER THERE

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 13:23:53 +0100 (CET)

Dear Beaker,

I have received the copy of the payment slip, but right now the banks have gone for break and will be back in 15.00 o’clock (GMT TIME).

This time I will go with my secretary to the MoneyGram office to confirm myself, but what I will advise you to do is to go back to the MoneyGram office where you transfer the money and tell them that the money you sent have not yet been received by the person as the MoneyGram over here said the number is not correct.

I will like you to do that and keep me inform, because if I should take my time and go with my secretary to the MoneyGram and they said this same thing, I will not write you again, so go and tell the MoneyGram over there and keep me inform.

Please I want you to call me on this number 00226-76-562-476.

I await your urgent call.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: The post office is closed now until tomorrow

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 13:34:39

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I cannot go back to the post office today to check if there is a problem because Wednesday is early closing day in the village so the post office is closed now until tomorrow so if you are still having problems I will not be able to go and see what is going on until tomorrow morning.

But that should not be a problem because you have the correct number now and you have a copy of the receipt too so you can see for yourself that the number is correct so if you go to the MoneyGram agent with your secretary Mr Monday Azuka with the receipt I cannot see that there would be any reason why you would not be able to pick up the money.

Get back to me as soon as you have collected the money so that I can tell Lord Murray that everything is progressing well when I visit him in hospital tonight. And please make sure that your secretary Mr Monday Azuka does not mess things up again because the longer this goes on the more chance there is of Lord Murray finding out about the delay and the more chance there is of him sacking me.

I will be tending to Lady Murray this afternoon because she is still very upset over the death of her elderly relative that she heard about this morning and she is not in a good state. After she asked me for a whisky this morning I gave her a good stiff one like she wanted and once she had had that she kept on asking for more so I gave her one again and again and again until she collapsed back onto the chaise longue in exhaustion. I hope she manages to compose herself before we go to visit Lord Murray tonight.

I will be waiting to hear from you. Do not let me and Lord Murray down Mr Mohamed because we are counting on you.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: ASK YOUR OWN LAWYER TO COME DOWN HERE AND PROCURE THOSE CERTIFICATES

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 16:36:34 +0100 (CET)

Dear Beaker,

I just came back from the MoneyGram with my secretary and I have confirmed from the MoneyGram office that nothing was sent on that name, because I ask the lady in the MoneyGram office to check it with the number and name which she did and nothing was seen.

Well, I am only writing this mail to you just to let you know that the bank have called me today, which I told them that you are not serious and I am using this media to advise you to send your own lawyer to come down here and procure those certificates, because I will not work for you again if you don’t send the money by WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.

So if really you send the money, then I will advise you go back to the MoneyGram office and collect the money, after which you have to go to wheresoever you will find WESTERN UNION and send the money by WESTERN UNION.

That is all I have to tell you for now.

THANKS,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I do not understand what is happening

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 16:10:41

Hello Mr Mohamed,

It is me Beaker again. I am very distressed to hear that you and your secretary Mr Monday Azuka have been turned away from the MoneyGram office empty handed for a third time. This is no good at all. Lord Murray thinks that you already have his money and if he finds out that you do not he will be very very unhappy indeed with me. And he will be very very unhappy with you too.

I can only think that there is some problem with the transfer that I made. Maybe there has been some technical problem. I do not know what could have happened because I have never used this MoneyGram before so I do not know what things can go wrong with it.

I am very sorry if you and your secretary Mr Monday Azuka have been put to any trouble over this but believe me I would bet that you are not as worried about this as I am. My job is on the line here and there is no way I want to lose that.

Like I told you before the post office is closed this afternoon but I will go back there first thing tomorrow morning and speak to the postmistress and tell her what has happened and see if I can find out what the problem is. I will get back to you as soon as I have done so.

There must be some way we can sort this out and I promise you that I am going to do all I can to get the money to you.

I must go because Lady Murray wants me to help her out in the formal gardens before I drive her to visit Lord Murray in hospital. She has stopped crying about the death of her elderly relative and she has decided to plant a bush in the formal garden in their memory and she wants me to help her plant it.

Lady Murray went to the local garden centre earlier this afternoon with Titchmarsh the gardener and together they chose a suitable bush to plant. Lady Murray tells me that she is very much looking forward to showing me her bush in the garden and that she is sure that I will like it.

I will get back to you as soon as I get back from the post office tomorrow morning. We will get this sorted out one way or another you mark my words.

Thanking you,

Beaker

From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Update

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 12:33:18 -0500 (EST)

Attn customer,

After the board of directors’ meeting this afternoon, we the aforementioned Group Bank of Africa wish to bring to your notice that the management of this financial house have deliberated with your legal representative concerning the necessary requirements, while he divulged that you did not live according to his directions.

Therefore, be inform that you are given more 2 days to complete the documentation and your failure to act as directed will enhance this management to transfer your inherited fund into the bank treasury and declare your application invalid.

Dr James Sawam

Director Group Bank of Africa

Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: THIS CHAMBERS WILL ONLY ACCEPT INFORMATIONS FROM WESTERN UNION

Sent: Wed, 17 Jan 2024 21:03:54 +0100 (CET)

Dear Beaker,

My secretary said he will never go back to that MoneyGram office again, so what I will advise you to do is to collect back your money from the MoneyGram and go to anywhere you will find WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER which you have to send the money by WESTERN UNION.

So if you go to the MoneyGram office tomorrow, just tell them to refund you the money back, after which you shall go to WESTERN UNION office and send the money by WESTERN UNION as that will be better, because there is a WESTERN UNION office close to the chambers.

This chambers will never accept any information from MoneyGram again, because what have just happen want to dent the reputation of this chambers, so send the money by WESTERN UNION or you ask your lawyer to come down and procure those certificates for you, which I can assist him if he need my assistance.

I will only accept transfer informations from WESTERN UNION.

I await your urgent respond.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: What in Noel’s name is going on over there?

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 08:43:55

Alpaca,

Lord Murray here. I assume that my butler has kept you informed of what has been going on for the past week, so presumably you are aware that I have been hospitalised ever since the bloody idiot shot me in the rear end while he was cleaning my gun.

Thankfully the injuries were not too severe, and although I am still in some considerable pain and discomfort, I am happy to report that I was discharged from the hospital late last night. Lady Murray and Beaker came to collect me in the Bentley, with some extra padded cushions for me to sit on.

Whilst I am very happy to be back home, I am not at all happy to hear from Beaker what has been going on regarding this transaction. I had expected to get back to Hemlock Hall to find that this transaction had been completed, but Beaker has just informed me that you have not even collected the money he transferred for you to pay for the documents we require.

I am severely displeased with Beaker – whilst I was in hospital the man told me that you had actually collected the money and that this transaction was moving forward nicely, presumably in an attempt to avoid incurring my wrath – but I am even more displeased with you, Alpaca. According to Beaker, he transferred the money to you days ago, yet you and your so-called “secretary” have not yet collected it for some unknown reason.

Did I not warn you when I first agreed to retain your services that I expected nothing but the best from you, Alpaca? I certainly did not expect to encounter such hapless bumbling from you... especially when one considers how extortionate your fees are.

I have found it next to impossible to get much sense out of Beaker – one is already regretting having employed him as a manservant – so I would be grateful if you could get back to me with an explanation of precisely what has been going on here. I have just received a rather uppity letter from that Sawam fellow at the bank, so I want a detailed situation report from you, Alpaca. And I want it by return if you would be so kind.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: Regarding your latest email

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 08:59:10

Sawam,

Having been discharged from hospital late last night, I have just read your latest, somewhat presumptuous email.

I had expected to return home to find that this transaction was all over bar the shouting, and to be honest with you I am at a loss to explain why this is not the case. According to my butler, to whom I entrusted this business during my enforced absence, the lawyer I engaged has proved to be somewhat unreliable and inefficient. As I see things at the moment, this appears to be the cause of this regrettable delay.

I am currently investigating the situation in order to ascertain what has been going on and I am confident that I will be able to rectify matters shortly. In the meantime, I would be grateful if you would bear with me. I will keep you informed.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WELCOME BACK TO BASE MY CLIENT, CALL ME NOW

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 11:54:50 +0100 (CET)

Dear Client,

I am very happy that you are back, well the so called Beaker transfer the money by MoneyGram which my secretary and I have gone to the MoneyGram office to collect the money, but it was reveal to us that nothing was sent on that name or number, so I asked him to go back to the MoneyGram office and retreat the money back after which he shall send it by Western Union.

Dear client, you don’t have to blame me for anything, because I am at your service and if I do not receive the money, do you want me to say I received it?

Well I was in the bank yesterday, which I made them to understand that you are the one delaying the whole things, because I cannot procure those certificates without money, so the situation of the whole thing right now is the money to get those certificates which I have ask the so called Beaker to send the money by Western Union and not MoneyGram, as we have a Western Union office closer to the chamber here.

Now that you are back, I want you to go and send the money by Western Union immediately, so that it will enable me secure the certificates today and tomorrow. I have asked you to call me on my private number, which up till now I have not receive any call from you, please try and call me on this number: 00226-76-562-476.

The faster you are the better for this transaction.

I await your urgent call.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Be specific to your legal representative

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 07:18:23 -0500 (EST)

Attn Murray,

Adoration be onto his holy name who delivered you and more Greece in his elbow.

The management of this Group Bank of Africa held officials meeting for your inability to provide the necessary requirements. During the meeting, his Excellency Dr Abraham Mustapha, the Governor of the Group Bank of Africa advised the management to let you know that plane is on pipeline to transfer your inheritance fund into your nominated bank account. He further said that you should try to fulfil the chamber’s demand so that fit and start of your fund transfer reconstruction will be a thing of the past.

On the other hand, your legal representative has been trying to procure the requested documents but it seem your so called butler did not obey his instructions because the management of this bank called your legal representative during the officials meeting yesterday that the bank did not yet receive the required documents and Hon Barrister Akpara said that he have been putting effort in your service that he was asked to pay some money at the High Court of Justice by his Chief Justice before the documents can been obtain.

It is certain that he will be charge and he is the bank accredited attorney appointed by the government to with the Bank of Africa. At the same time, we can never appoint another body to perform his duty and he have been doing this kind of your job for a long time and you don’t have to say he is unreliable and inefficient because it is unspeakable.

In all, remember that you are given 2 days to complete the documentation. This statement is signed by Governor Dr Abraham Mustapha and the management in general.

Dr James Sawam

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: I want the money transferred into my bank account, not air-freighted to me

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 13:57:30

Sawam,

I am in receipt of your email. To be perfectly honest with you, it has left me somewhat perplexed and confused. What is all this nonsense about a “plane being in the pipeline”? Why the dickens are you planning to send the money to me by air freight? Why not just use a simple bank to bank transfer like any normal person would?

And what on earth has Greece got to do with it? I am based in the United Kingdom, Sawam, not Greece. Have you by any chance enjoyed a liquid lunch my good man?

Well, at least one aspect of your email made sense. You were absolutely right when you said that “you don’t have to say he is unreliable and inefficient” with regards to that Alpaca fellow. Spot on, Sawam: some things are so blindingly obvious that there is simply no need whatsoever for one to put them into words.

I note that you have imposed yet another deadline of two days on me. Given the fact that I have just been discharged from hospital and I am still attempting to ascertain what the problem is, I had hoped that you would have been a tad more lenient with regards to timing. However, I am not unduly worried; I have noted that you have been as free and easy with the deadlines you have set in the past as you have been with spelling, punctuation, grammar... and with the English language as a whole.

I can assure you, Sawam, that I will not rest until I have brought this transaction to a successful conclusion... and given the injuries I sustained last week at the hands of my bumbling butler Beaker, it is unlikely that I will rest for quite some time after that.

I will keep you informed.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I am taking control of this transaction myself with immediate effect

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 13:59:31

Alpaca,

This is most unsatisfactory. Beaker is blaming you for your incompetence and you are blaming the entire MoneyGram organisation. As for myself, I do not know who to blame, and nor do I care. What is important at the moment is to sort out whatever is the problem and get this transaction back on track. Let us save the name-calling, blame and recriminations for later.

With this in mind, you will no doubt be pleased to hear that I have relieved Beaker of his duties with regards to this transaction and I will be taking full control of it myself. I intend to take whatever action is required to get this transaction up and running again without any delays whatsoever.

Unfortunately, I have been moving about rather too much for my own good today and as a result my posterior is throbbing rather unpleasantly. I will therefore be spending the afternoon doing precisely what the doctor ordered, and lying down on my front.

However, first thing tomorrow morning I will get Beaker to drive me down to the local post office, where I will do everything I can to sort out this problem. I will get back to you as soon as I have done so.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This chambers will only accept transfer informations from WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 16:41:57 +0100 (CET)

Dear Client,

Why on earth will Beaker blame me? Am I the MoneyGram that said the number is incorrect? Please I will not like anybody to blame me, because the money is to complete my job and without the money cannot complete my job.

So Beaker should not blame me for anything. Well thank GOD you are back from the hospital, so what I want you to do is to go to the MoneyGram office and retreat your money, after which you have to send the money by Western Union as I will not accept any transfer informations from MoneyGram.

So I advise you send the money by Western Union money transfer as this chambers will never go back to that MoneyGram office again.

Please my client, I will advise you take some rest.

I await your urgent respond by tomorrow.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: You would do well to remember to whom you are addressing yourself

Sent: Thu, 18 Jan 2024 17:03:48

Alpaca,

I have just raised myself from the couch on which I have been resting to stretch my legs and to check my emails. I was in the middle of composing a missive to my old friend Lady Anne Detrampe (the contents of which need not concern you) when your last email arrived in my inbox.

If I may say so, Alpaca, I found the tone of your email abrupt and hectoring. Who are you to tell me that you “will never go back to that MoneyGram office again”? You would do well to remember to whom you are addressing yourself my good man.

Let me be clear about this Alpaca. In this business relationship, I am the one who is remunerating you for your services and you are the one who does what I say in return for pecuniary compensation. It is not for you to tell me what to do in this business; I am paying you in order that you will do my bidding.

I believe that Beaker has already explained to you on a number of occasions that the nearest Western Union agent is located a considerable distance from here. Given the fact that I am not willing to entrust this business into Beaker’s hands again, I will have to be present in person when this affair is sorted out. However, the current condition of my pelletted posterior means that I am in no condition to undergo a long car journey. This means that a trip to the Western Union agent is completely out of the question.

It is my understanding that MoneyGram is a reputable international organisation with a decent reputation. I cannot see that we will not be able to resolve whatever issues are causing us problems when I visit the post office tomorrow. My intention tomorrow is therefore to visit the post office first thing in the morning, find out what the problem with Beaker’s transfer is, and then to resolve it. There will be no travelling to the Western Union agent. My constitution would simply not bear it as things stand at the moment.

I will get back to you in the morning.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. Could I ask you to have a word with that Sawam fellow at the bank? He sent me an email earlier today in which he was spouting some nonsense about air-freighting my money over to Greece for some reason. Kindly impress upon the man that once we have obtained the requisite documentation, I simply require him to transfer the money directly into my bank account.

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: OK THEN GO AHEAD AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS GOOD

Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2024 00:00:13 +0100 (CET)

Dear Client,

If you say so, then do what you know is good. As for the bank, I will be there tomorrow to sort out things with the bank.

I await your urgent respond by tomorrow morning.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: It is certain and we are waiting for the requested documents

Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2024 03:11:44 -0500 (EST)

Attn Murray,

It is my pleasure to bring to notice that your legal representative came here this morning and stressed the need of transferring your inherited fund into your nominated bank account as soon as he present the requested documents. In the same vein, we are only waiting the requested documents and as soon as he brings the documents to this aforementioned bank, this management will remit your inherited fund into your nominated bank account in United Kingdom within the nest 72 hours.

James Sawam

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2024 10:03:52

Alpaca,

I write to you with good news. I have just returned from the post office in the village and I am pleased to report that I have managed to ascertain the cause of the problem with Beaker’s MoneyGram transfer.

I explained to the postmistress that your local MoneyGram agent had not been able to locate Beaker’s transfer. The postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the midst of upgrading their computer hardware in this country. This has apparently resulted in what she called “internet connectivity” problems – whatever they may be – and apparently Beaker’s is not the only transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. What this means is that the transfer is definitely in the MoneyGram system – the postmistress showed it to me on her own computer – but it is not showing up on your local MoneyGram agent’s computer because of these “internet connectivity” problems.

However, the postmistress explained that there is a simple solution to this. She told me exactly what your local MoneyGram agent needs to do in order to locate the transfer on their computer and gain access to the money. Apparently all they need to do is to follow procedure MG-ZS180 in their MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. This will apparently give your local MoneyGram agent access to all transfers that have got “stuck” in the system, and will mean that your secretary will be able to collect the money there and then.

The postmistress was somewhat surprised that the MoneyGram agent your secretary visited had not followed this procedure already: apparently it is standard procedure for MoneyGram agents in situations such as this. She showed me the procedure in her own copy of the MoneyGram Procedures Handbook... in fact she was even good enough to photocopy the page for me. I have scanned it in and attached it to this email.

The postmistress said to me that if your local agent did not know to carry out procedure MG-ZS180, they probably do not know their job very well and that they could probably benefit from some more training. Perhaps you ought to suggest this to the MoneyGram agent when you go back there with your secretary to collect the money. After all, their ignorance of their own procedures has wasted not only your time and your secretary’s time, but – more importantly – mine as well.

As it appears that your MoneyGram agent does not know their job very well, perhaps you should print off the page from the MoneyGram handbook that I have sent you and take it along with you. Then even if your MoneyGram agent does not really know what they are doing, they can follow the instructions that the postmistress gave me to gain access to the money Beaker transferred earlier in the week.

Please get back to me as soon as you and your secretary have been back to the MoneyGram agent to let me know that the money is safely in your possession. I will be waiting to hear from you. Hopefully we will be able to make some real progress now that I have managed to resolve this unfortunate situation.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

A page from the MoneyGram Procedures Handbook (not!)
(Click to enlarge)

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ASK THE BANK TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER ATTORNEY CONTACT

Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2024 14:49:50 +0100 (CET)

Dear Client,

I just came back from the MoneyGram office with my secretary and nothing was found in their system, I even print out the MoneyGram handbook which I showed to them and they said nothing can be done with that handbook.

My dear client, I will advise you to ask the bank to give you another attorney contact or you can as well send down your own attorney, as I cannot conclude this job if you are not ready to send the money by Western Union money transfer.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: What in Noel’s name are you playing at man?

Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2024 13:54:12

Alpaca,

What in Noel’s name are you playing at man? How can it possibly be so difficult to complete a simple money transfer? You are supposed to be a barrister, Alpaca – an educated, erudite, urbane sophisticate. But good Noel man, I have had more professional business dealings with the lad who comes to comes to sweep the horse manure out of the stables.

It would seem as if you have done nothing for the past week other than scurry backwards and forwards to and from your local MoneyGram agent, and all to no avail. I simply do not understand how it can be possible that you have not yet collected the money. Have you tried going to a different MoneyGram agent? One that knows what they are doing?

Here am I, bending over backwards to do everything I can to bring this transaction to a successful conclusion – and believe me, Alpaca, bending over backwards is a painful old thing in my current condition – and yet all that you seem to be able to bring to this business is sheer bloody incompetence. You make Beaker look like a paragon of proficiency, and that is saying something.

Yet again you are demanding that I transfer the money to you using Western Union. Pray tell, Alpaca, precisely what the point of that would be. If you cannot complete a simple money transfer using the MoneyGram system, what is there to say that you would fare any better if I were to transfer the money to you via Western Union?

I have to tell you, Alpaca, that my confidence in you is fading fast. Yet this transaction is of vital importance to me. I will tell you what I will do. I will instruct Beaker to make an appointment for me to go and visit my bank manager first thing on Monday morning and I will enquire at the bank if they can recommend any way of transferring money to the former colonies. How does that sound to you?

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: Alpaca

Sent: Fri, 19 Jan 2024 13:59:58

Sawam,

I am sorry to have to tell you this, but that lawyer fellow you recommended to me is turning out to be about as much use as a chocolate knighthood. The man has displayed nothing but gross incompetence right from the very start of this business and thanks to him, this transaction has suffered nothing but delays.

I am going to have to ask you to bear with me, Sawam. I am trying to resolve matters with the lawyer as we speak, but my confidence in the fellow is fast dissipating. Tell me, do you have any other lawyers you could recommend to me? Preferably one with a bit of common sense for a change.

Noel give me strength.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: It would appear that my local bank handles Western Union transactions

Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2024 13:53:03

Alpaca,

I trust that you have calmed down after the trials and tribulations of last week and that you are ready to conclude this business like a man.

I have just returned from my bank, where I enquired about the best way to transfer money to the former colonies. To my surprise and delight, my bank manager, Nat West, explained to me that the bank had recently entered into a partnership with the Western Union organisation, and that they were therefore now in a position to transfer money via Western Union’s new United Monetary Universal Priority Payment Express Transfer system.

Considering the fact that you have been whining on at me to transfer the money to you by Western Union right from the start – and taking into account the complete hash that you made of collecting the money at your nearest MoneyGram agency – may I presume that transferring the money to you in this way would be acceptable?

Get back to me at once and let me know. You have wasted far too much of my time already on this transaction, so I am keen to bring matters to a successful conclusion as soon as is humanly possible.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WE HAVE DELIBERATED WITH YOUR LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE TODAY

Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2024 13:19:55 -0500 (EST)

Attn Murray,

Today, we wish to inform you that the Group Bank of Africa deliberated with your legal representative concerning the release of your inherited fund.

Due to the personality of your appointed attorney, we the aforementioned bank hereby extended the deadline to Wednesday this week and your legal representative said he will as usual perform his duty. He further said that you if you refused to send the money as directed as to enable him obtain the required documents and sign your final release order will enhance the chamber to stop representing your absence.

Final, he promised to be in the bank by tomorrow if you send the money by Western Union.

Management

From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Go ahead and make the payment

Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2024 19:35:05 +0100 (CET)

Dear client,

Well, I’m in the bank this evening and I have apologised to the directors and officials in the bank for your reluctance to send money by WESTERN UNION AGENCY to enable me secure the certificates.

Now, go ahead and make the payment by WESTERN UNION tomorrow and send the payment slip.

Note: my secretary made a trip to London so you are advised to send the money with my name (Akpara Mohamed).

YOURS IN SERVICE,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: I will be transferring the money to Alpaca tomorrow

Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2024 20:48:22

Sawam,

I am in receipt of your email. I am pleased to see that you have extended your deadline yet again. It is gratifying to note that your deadlines are as firm as one’s John Thomas after an hour or so in the company of the delightful Lady Anne Detrampe.

Please note that the delays that we have regrettably experienced so far in this transaction have not been down to me; they have all resulted from your bank’s accredited attorney’s sheer bloody cack-handedness when it comes to collecting money that has been transferred to him. I pray to the Great Prophet Noel that Alpaca will have no such trouble with the Western Union transfer I am going to make to him.

I will be transferring the money to Alpaca in the morning. Expect him in the bank later in the day.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. I would thank you to start showing some proper deference and respect and cease addressing me as “Murray”, you grubby little man. The correct form of address is “Lord Murray”, and don’t you forget it.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I will transfer the money to you in the morning

Sent: Mon, 22 Jan 2024 20:59:41

Alpaca,

I am pleased to hear that a transfer via Western Union’s new United Monetary Universal Priority Payment Express Transfer system will be acceptable to you. I will get Beaker to drive me into the village tomorrow morning in order to make the transfer.

What a shame you did not tell me that your secretary was in London at the moment. If only I had known, I could have arranged for Beaker to travel down to meet him to ensure that he got what was coming to him in person.

I will contact you as soon as I have made the transfer tomorrow. Be on the lookout for my email. These constant delays on your part are becoming exceedingly tiresome.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I have transferred the money

Sent: Tue, 23 Jan 2024 10:27:48

Akpara,

I have just returned from the village, where I visited the bank and transferred the money to you via Western Union’s new United Monetary Universal Priority Payment Express Transfer system. My bank manager explained to me that Western Union recently set this system up to enable the transfer of large amounts of money directly from one’s bank account, so it is absolutely ideal for our purpose.

My bank manager assures me that the money will now be available for you to collect from your nearest Western Union agent immediately. I have attached a copy of the receipt to this email. It contains all of the information that you will need to pick up the money.

Incidentally, it appears that I owe you an apology: I have just noticed that I have been spelling your name incorrectly ever since the start of this business. Why did you not mention this, my dear fellow? Anyway, unaccustomed as I am to excusing myself to members of the lower orders, I feel that I must apologise for any accidental slight: my error must have seemed most discourteous to you.

I received another email from that Sawam fellow last night, and it sounds as if he is dreadfully keen to move things forward. He even set another deadline... the man certainly does like his deadlines, does he not? Anyway, I would appreciate it if you could see your way to collecting the money as soon as possible so that we can finally bring this business to a successful conclusion.

I must go: the district nurse if due to arrive at any minute to inspect my tormented tush and to change my dressings. Kindly get back to me as soon as you return from the Western Union office. And let us have no more delays, Akpara, do you hear?

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: Have you managed to get your hands on my money yet?

Sent: Wed, 24 Jan 2024 08:54:55

Alpaca/Akpara/whatever your name is,

What’s going on at your end, man? Did you scurry off to your nearest Western Union agent yesterday clutching that Western Union UMUPPET receipt in your hand? If so, how did you get on? Have you managed to get your hands on my money yet?

I hope to Noel that you have not managed to make a mess of this business yet again, Alpaca. Sometimes it appears as if making a mess of things is all that you are capable of. I am hoping against hope that you will be able to prove me wrong on this occasion.

Get back to me at once with an update on the current situation, you tiresome little man. Don’t you know that it just isn’t the done thing to keep a member of the British aristocracy waiting? It is extremely bad form.

I must go: there is a wedding in the village this afternoon and I have to prepare myself for this evening, when I will be exercising my traditional droit de seigneur over the maiden. Ah, being lord of the manor is a tough job, Alpaca... but somebody has to do it.

Get back to me immediately. I am waiting.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello; Akpara Mohamed; Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: I wash my hands of this entire bloody business

Sent: Thu, 25 Jan 2024 12:04:47

Bello; Alpaca; Sawam,

Thanks to the unbelievable incompetence you three chaps have shown over the past month, I feel that I have no alternative but to wash my hands of this entire bloody business. The three of you have acted like a bunch of bloody clowns right from the start of this transaction, and to be perfectly honest one is fed up to the back teeth of the lot of you.

I mean, how many times does one have to transfer money before one of you blithering buffoons proves yourself capable of picking it up? You have been the worst, Alpaca: you seem to have spent so much time skulking to and from the MoneyGram and Western Union offices that you have had no time to do any actual bloody work on this transaction. What have you been playing at, man? Were you dropped on the head when you were a child? It would not surprise me.

As it happens, I received a very promising business proposal from a jolly nice chap called Abacha this morning. This Abacha fellow seems like a very professional chap... in sharp contrast to the three of you, who have been just about as professional as a bunch of nine-month old toddlers sitting around in a playpen soiling their bloody nappies.

You are an absolute shower, all three of you: an absolute shower...

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping