I am terribly sorry to hear about your wife’s worsening condition. Tell those people at the hospital to pull their fingers out, won’t you? I take it that she has not spoken since the accident. It must be a terrible time for you, not knowing whether the accident has turned her into a helpless cabbage.

Regarding the transaction, I am as keen as you are to get this concluded as soon as possible – winter will cause havoc with the fabric of Hemlock Hall if I am unable to get the builders in before the onset of the worst of the weather this year. I am sure that I will be able to sort things out with the lawyer today.

Unfortunately I will be slightly distracted from this business for part of today – Lady Murray has one of her distant relatives, Viscount Biskitt, visiting for the day on his way to the Scunthorpe point-to-point. I don’t get on with the chap terribly well, to tell the truth – I find him rather vulgar and he is a very messy eater. Last time he visited us, he left a trail of crumbs behind him wherever he went. It took Winton an age to clean up after him when he had left.

I do hope that your dear lady wife shows some signs of improvement today, my dear fellow. Please be assured that Lady Murray, Winton and I are praying fervently for her rapid and complete recovery.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WAITING URGENT

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 10:16:00 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

I just come back from the hospital and gone through the mail you sent to me regarding your conclusion today with the attorney and the bank. Please, I will appreciate it so much if you can assist me now with the present situation am going through regarding my dear wife condition, as I have raise some money for the hospital bill which I need you to send me some money from your side as soon as possible to save the life of my wife, her condition today is fair better than yesterday since she can open her eye now.

I will appreciate it most if you can assist me as your blood brother as I believe that we are one family now so that I will not lose my wife.

Once again, I thank you so much for your effort towards the conclusion of everything with the bank, and I still suggest you keep on disturbing the bank and the lawyer as I have made it known to you that here is a French speaking country and the system of government is quite different from English speaking people like your country. So I advise you follow up their instructions to avoid any mistake, because I believe immediately he get the documents and submit it to the bank, the transfer will be effected to your account immediately without much time to delay.

Now the amount am need from you is only $850 to save the life of my dear wife so that I will add it with the little one I have with me and pay it to the hospital for the replacement of the blood which I told you how she lost so many blood on the accident.

I am on the net waiting for your urgent response so that I will go the hospital immediately, please bear with me my brother as I have invested all the money I have with me in this transaction as to gathered all the informations completed which am happy that all the arrangement went successful before contacting you for us to share this mutual benefit together as one family.

Remain yours sincerely,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Good news

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 11:47:41

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that your wife is showing signs of improvement. She can open her eye now, can she? That is marvellous news. Tell me, can you see any spark of intelligence when you look into her eye, which may indicate that her brain is functioning normally? I do hope so. It would be a dreadful shame if she ended up a listless drooling mess.

I can fully appreciate the dreadful situation in which you find yourself. However, I am afraid I am not in a position to send you $850 at the moment. We do have a few tens of thousands in the bank for use as spare cash as and when required, but I simply can’t afford to pay your hospital bill at the moment. For one thing, the lawyer is demanding a large fee from me, and we need to get Lady Murray’s Bentley serviced next week. That’s never cheap. On top of this, Lady Murray is very keen to replace the hand-woven carpet in the hallway next month, which will cost an arm and a leg.

However, I will be in a position to send you your share of the money as soon as this amount has been transferred into my account. I am sure that will happen soon, and I hardly think that the hospital is going to turn off your wife’s life support system for the sake of a few days.

Viscount Biskitt has arrived. Thankfully he will only be staying for a few hours. As it happens, he has come into rather a lot of money following the death of an aunt. He was rather well-off before, but now you could truly say that the Viscount is minted.

I will get on to the lawyer immediately, my dear fellow, and see if I can hurry things along.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Sangare Chambers

Subject: What’s going on?

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 11:48:02

Sangare,

I am rather disappointed not to have had a response to my previous email. Shake a leg, there’s a good chap. I’m rather keen to move this business forward as soon as possible.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 12:47:45 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

I never know that the lawyer has charged you for getting the requested documents on your behalf.

So you should go ahead and settle every necessary thing with the lawyer so that the bank will effect the transfer to your account immediately. Meanwhile I will call the doctor now in the hospital and tell him to start taking care of my wife treatment as I will promise to settle all the accumulated bills in three days time, because I believe that as soon as the attorney get all the required documents and submit it to the bank, it will not take much time for the bank to effect the transfer to your account.

Just go ahead and contact the lawyer as soon as you receive this mail, because that is the only thing holding this transfer, you can as well write to the bank and tell them that the lawyer will submit the documents to them as soon as possible. Also tell the attorney that immediately he get the documents on your behalf he should send them to you for your perusal and also submit it to the bank on your behalf.

Await to hear from you soonest.

Remain yours sincerely brother,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Sangare Chambers

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SANGARE CHAMBERS

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 05:48:35 -0800 (PST)

TO LORD MURRAY,

YOUR MESSAGE WAS WELL RECEIVED ACCORDING TO YOUR QUESTIONS MY CONSULTATION FEES IS ONLY $350 DOLLARS.

MEANWHILE I DID NOT ASK YOU TO PAY MY CONSULTATION FEES NOW YOU ONLY HAVE TO PAY THE CHARGES FOR YOUR DOCUMENTS.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR FUNDS ARE TRANSFERED THEN IF YOU CAN RECOGNISE THAT I WORKED FOR YOU YOU CAN AS WELL APPRECIATE MY EFFORTS FOR MY JOB WELL DONE.

THANKS FOR YOUR PATRONAGE,

BARRISTER ADAMA SANGARE

SANGARE CHAMBERS

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Negotiations are continuing with the lawyer

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 14:27:29

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to be able to tell you that negotiations are continuing with the lawyer. However, a few small matters of uncertainty remain, and we must get these cleared up before we can go ahead. I am sure you can understand.

Viscount Biskitt has now left, having only stayed with us for lunch, thank god. What an odious man he is. On top of his appalling personality, the man has no sense of style; he turned up today dressed from head to toe in a shiny green suit, which he insisted was the height of fashion, but which looked simply dreadful. Nevertheless, Mrs Ogden prepared us a fine five-course repast, which has set me up marvellously for an afternoon spent shooting fish in a barrel, which is apparently the latest craze amongst the Chelsea set.

Incidentally, I had a thought over lunch. You are a doctor yourself, are you not? No doubt your medical training will come in very useful over the coming weeks and months as you coax your wife back to good health.

Talking of wives, I am going to be without my own good lady wife for the next couple of days. She has been invited over to Stuart Hall, the ancestral home of a distant cousin, Sir Roger de Courcey, for a spot of otter hunting. I was also invited to go and stay, but I declined – I want to devote as much of my time to this business as possible, especially after all that has happened to your wife. To be perfectly honest, I do not mind missing the trip too much – otter hunting bores me somewhat, and I find Sir Roger’s butler, Nookiebear, rather rude.

I will contact the lawyer immediately, and ensure that things are moving as quickly as possible.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Sangare Chambers

Subject: You still have not answered my questions

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 14:29:30

Sangare,

Thank you for your email, and for providing me with limited information on your fees. However, I am now confused: do I need to pay you the $350 consultation fee, or not? Is this included in the cost of the documents? Please clarify.

On top of this, you still have not provided me with any information on your qualifications and experience. I must have this information before we can move forward.

Now then, kindly apply your no doubt razor-sharp legal mind to my queries, and let’s have some action so that we can proceed with this business. I am extremely keen to conclude this as soon as possible, and to be perfectly frank, you are holding things up at the moment.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. Kindly desist from writing your emails COMPLETELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Has nobody told you before that this is rude?

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: TRY YOUR POSSIBLE BEST TO HAVE EVERY THING CONCLUDED WITH THE LAWYER

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 14:59:23 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

In fact my brother each mail I received from you always give me more confidence compare to the present situation am going through. Now I have call the hospital and speak directly with the doctor to continue giving my wife the best treatment as I told you earlier.

Once again, I thank you so much for your effort regarding the immediate transfer of this fund to your account.

Please my dear brother, I will be so glad if you should conclude every arrangement with the attorney today for him to proceed on the getting the requested documents on your behalf.

Await to hear the development between you and the lawyer for the conclusion of everything as you promised.

Remain yours sincerely brother,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank

Subject: Can you recommend an alternative lawyer?

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 16:58:03

Ngoran,

I am writing to you regarding the dead German’s funds which you have languishing in your vaults, which I am trying to transfer into my own bank account.

I have been conversing with the lawyer you recommended, a chap called Sangare. However, I have to say that I am not overly satisfied with the fellow’s performance so far. I have asked him one simple question three times, and he still has not furnished me with an answer. On top of this, he is slow to respond to my emails. Furthermore, either the CAPS LOCK key on his computer keyboard is broken, or the fellow does not know how to type properly.

Sangare is delaying this whole transaction considerably. Were it not for the way in which he has been dealing with this matter, I am convinced that the money would have been transferred by now. For reasons that need not concern you, I am most keen that this transaction is completed as soon as possible.

With this in mind, I would appreciate it if you could recommend an alternative lawyer to me. If you cannot recommend an alternative, I shall contact Mr Welsby, who practices law locally and who apparently moves through the legal jungle with the speed and finesse of a greased cheetah on roller skates.

I look forward to your prompt response.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Problems with the lawyer

Sent: Wed, 12 Nov 2023 17:27:51

Nkonye,

I am afraid to say that I have had no response from this lawyer fellow all afternoon. I came back into the house, fresh from my afternoon of shooting, fully expecting to have heard from this Sangare chap. But he has not contacted me at all.

Bearing in mind the urgency of this transaction, I have grown weary of Sangare’s torpidity. I have therefore written to Ngoran at the bank and asked him if he can recommend an alternative lawyer.

If he cannot, I will contact the eminent Mr Welsby tomorrow and instruct him to zoom into action on our behalf. According to Winton, Welsby is as sharp as a fox when it comes to legal matters. This is just the sort of man we need, especially given the condition of your wife.

I have just seen my dear lady wife’s Bentley sweep down the drive: she has just left for Sir Roger de Courcey’s place. This means that I can look forward to a few days’ relative peace and quiet. I should imagine you are experiencing some peace and quiet yourself at the moment, with your wife being in hospital. Make the most of it while it lasts, my dear friend.

I will let you know as soon as I have more news regarding the lawyer situation.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. I don’t know if you’re a shooter yourself, but I wouldn’t recommend shooting fish in a barrel. It may well be the latest craze among the bright young things in Chelsea, but I found it far too easy.

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM NOT HAPPY THE WAY YOU HANDLE THINGS

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 08:51:18 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

Good morning my dear brother, I was expecting your mail before I left office yesterday but every thing seems abortive.

Meanwhile, regarding the development between you and the attorney, I could not understand what actually going on between both of you, because I believe by now you must have concluded every arrangement with him.

Again bear in mind that lawyers are always busy people ,as I suggest all the your correspondence with him should not go through email, rather you to call him on telephone so that he will know how urgency and serious you are in this transaction. Also been a client you suppose to be disturbing him to hasten up with all the arrangement for getting the required documents.

In fact the way you are handling this transaction does not please me at all, after you told me that you will be concluding everything with the bank and the lawyer yesterday, and up till now nothing good has happened. Now you are telling me that you will contact Mr Welsby to assist you in getting every necessary thing done after I have told you that all the arrangement must be from this country since the money was originated here in this country. If its possible to get all the documents there in your country, why must I be disturbing you to get it through here, I will not haste to give you go ahead to do so, as am avoiding mistake along the line so that any committee will not stopped the fund not to be transferred to your account.

Finally I want you to call the lawyer immediately you receive this mail and settle everything with him once and for all so that the bank will effect the transfer, even if you don’t have his telephone number, contact the bank and tell them to give you the number of the lawyer, if assume you don’t have it with you.

Could you please tell me the exact fee which the lawyer needed from you for the required documents? as I have told you earlier to keep record of any expenditure you made in this transaction as I kept mine already, in fact my brother I really confused on this issue because of the delaying. Now I have made promised to the doctor that I will take care of all the bills by today or tomorrow, but you want to make me a liar before him due to the delay in this transaction.

I hope you are not trying to take into an ocean and abandon me there with out anybody to help me out after I have giving you all the necessary documents for the deposited fund in my bank, now the bank has recognised you as the beneficiary and ready to effect the transfer to your account, only to get all the required documents completed, which I think you must have done without letting me know to see that the fund get transferred to your account.

Await to hear from you as soon as you have completed everything with the attorney today, and also I will like you to call me on phone as to update me the development so far.

Remain yours sincerely,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: The lawyer is holding things up, not me

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 09:14:22

Nkonye,

I am in receipt of your email. I can appreciate your concern over the length of time this business is taking. Believe me, I am equally concerned.

The delays to this transaction are not my fault. They are all down to the lawyer that the bank recommended. Past experience has taught me never to engage the services of a legal professional without first obtaining details of their qualifications and their experience in the legal field. I do not want to entrust my affairs to a young hack fresh out of the local technical college, with nothing but an NVQ to their name. With this in mind, I have asked the lawyer three times to send me details of his qualifications and experience. The lawyer has still not sent me this information. The lawyer has also sent me confusing information over the amount of money I am required to pay: he has mentioned a “consultation fee” of $350, in addition to the $2,600 I have to pay in order to obtain the sworn affidavit from the Federal High Court of Justice. I have asked him to clarify whether or not I have to pay this additional fee, and he has not responded.

As I am unwilling to put up with such shoddy service, I have asked Ngoran at the bank if he can recommend an alternative lawyer. However, Ngoran has not yet responded to me.

I will contact the lawyer one more time today and give him one last chance to provide me with the information I have requested. I will let you know the outcome of this. Hopefully the man will pull his finger out and start doing some work.

I trust that your wife’s condition is improving. Please let me know how she is, my dear fellow.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Sangare Chambers

Subject: You have one last chance

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 09:19:01

Sangare,

I note that you have not yet responded to the email I sent you yesterday. I am anxious to move forward with this business, but I cannot do so until you have answered my queries satisfactorily.

I will give you one last chance to answer my questions. In case you have forgotten them, here they are again:

Do I need to pay you the $350 consultation fee, or is this included in the cost of the documents?

Please send me information on your qualifications and experience. I have asked you for this information three times already, and you have not responded. Kindly take a moment or two of your time to answer my queries, or you can forget this whole business: there are plenty of lawyers out there looking for work. I have the money all ready to be transferred in order to obtain the sworn affidavit from the Federal High Court of Justice, but I must have answers to my questions before I move forward.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM WAITING ON THE NET

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 10:15:06 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

Now I have understood where all the problems came from, please my dear brother, how can you asked a whole accredited attorney to the bank to send you his qualifications, just because you want him to represent you before the bank and also getting the required documents on your behalf.

Despite your past experienced, you should not compared all the lawyer the same, because I am strongly believe that this attorney is one of the reputable attorney in this country, because he do represent foreign clients in some matters like this, and also bear in mind that I too is working in the same bank so I know much about him and he is the only person who will be recognised by the court immediately and he will get the documents with much time to delay.

Regarding the consultation fees requested from the lawyer, I suggest you cleared up everything with him and forget asking him all the questions. As I believe that he is the only person who can get all the documents for you with delay, I do understand with you, but believe what I told that he is in right position to do this job for without any problem or delay along the line.

So contact him and pay him the fees as he requested, so that he will proceed on getting the documents on your behalf without much time to delay, do not be afraid of him, I know him very well as attached attorney to the bank he cannot disappoint you since he was recommended by the bank.

Now I will going to the hospital to see my wife, as she is getting better than three days ago, but I have to wait to hear the conclusion between you and the lawyer.

Meanwhile as soon as you send the fees to the lawyer, please tell him to send the documents to you for your perusal and also submit it to the bank on your behalf, because I want everything to get concluded today. I am on the net now because of this issue, so if there is any other thing you need to be clarify, please get back to me immediately.

Await to hear from you immediately you finish with the lawyer.

Remains yours sincerely brother,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Regarding the lawyer

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 10:49:49

Nkonye,

I appreciate what you say about this lawyer fellow, but I have to say that I do not share your confidence in him. How can I pay the man a fee when he has not even confirmed to me exactly how much the fee is? And I must see details of his qualifications and experience, in order to satisfy myself that he is a suitable partner in this affair. Going by the lawyer’s performance so far, I am not convinced that he is up to the job. If the man cannot even respond to a simple request via email, how can I trust him to carry out the job I am paying him to do?

As soon as I receive a reply from the lawyer, answering the questions I have put to him, I will transfer the money across and get things moving. But not before.

I am delighted to hear that your wife’s condition is improving. Hopefully she is over the worst. Your car must have been very badly damaged in the accident too. I expect you will have to purchase a new one to replace it. If you want my advice, go for a car of quality, such as a Bentley or an Aston. Although perhaps, given the state of roads in your country, something such as a Range Rover might be more suitable.

The peace and quiet I was enjoying in the absence of my good lady wife was shattered first thing this morning by the arrival of an unexpected house guest. Sir Keith Harris, an old friend of the family, popped in very briefly with his butler, Orville. They were taking a break from their long journey up to the Highland Games at Inverness, where Sir Keith is presenting the prizes at the annual caber-tossing competition.

Sir Keith used to compete in the sport regularly in his younger days, and was generally regarded as one of the biggest tossers of his day. I tried the sport myself a couple of times, and I have fond memories of visiting Sir Keith’s country house and engaging in friendly competitions on the lawn, to see which one of us could toss the furthest. Sir Keith would invariably win. He always said that it was all in the wrist action.

I took tea with Sir Keith in the drawing room while Winton chatted to Orville in the kitchen. Winton told Orville about the flying lessons he has recently been taking, and Orville was apparently green with envy: Winton tells me that Orville has always wished he could fly, but is convinced that he can’t.

After a brief cup of tea, Sir Keith has now left, leaving Winton and I basking once again in the luxury of an empty house. Bliss.

Part of this afternoon will be spent down by the River Gypping, where the annual village boat race is taking place. I am due to present the prize cup to the winning team. It is a shame that my dear lady wife cannot attend this year’s race. We have a fine photograph in the study of Lady Murray presenting the cup last year, kissing the cox of the winning team.

I will contact you as soon as I receive a satisfactory response from the lawyer.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENT

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 12:03:00 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

I think you trust me as you partner since the very first day I contacted you for this particular transaction, but now I can no longer understand you by saying that you don’t trust the lawyer recommended by my bank.

Again, how do you think that any attorney you need his assistance can send you his qualifications simply because you want his to represent you on a job.

I have told you to remove every atom of fear and doubt from your side that the lawyer must surely do the accurate job and have everything concluded on your behalf. In fact, to be frank with you, I am getting tired of this too much writing and exchanging of mails on a particular issue that suppose to solve at once.

Now since you are afraid to settle with the lawyer, which mean that you did not trust me also in this business, but you are forget on that I am going to trust $18.5m in your account without any doubt or fear from my side. I think we better forget everything about this transaction, so you have to write to the bank and tell them to stop every further arrangement with your name as the beneficiary, that your brother will come for the claim with a new account as the new beneficiary.

Secondly, you have to send me back the two documents I sent to you as soon as possible to enable me look for body else to assist me in this transaction without fear and doubt. This is the reason why I delay to send you that two documents but you were in a hurry to receive it from me, not knowing that you disappoint me at this stage.

I so much thank you for all the disappointment you have giving me so far, knowing too well my condition and the situation of my wife who is lying in the hospital, but I believe that GOD almighty can not disappoint me also, he must surely maketh a way where there is no way.

I still thank you once again for your disappointment.

Remain yours sincerely brother,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Calm yourself, my friend

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 12:29:10

Nkonye,

I am in receipt of your email. Its content surprised me. We are on the cusp on concluding this transaction successfully, and now you are saying that you are pulling out, simply because the damn lawyer won’t answer his emails? Pull yourself together, my friend.

This is ridiculous. For god’s sake, we both need this money. We both need this transaction to succeed. We have come too far along this road to give up now. Your wife’s life hangs on a knife edge, as does the condition of my roof.

You appear to trust this lawyer. Well, as I trust you – and I do trust you, absolutely – your trust in the lawyer will be good enough for me.

If you still want to continue with this transaction, please let me know by return and I will contact the lawyer again forthwith, and instruct him to put things in motion.

I await your response, my friend.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: NOW I WILL STAND BY YOUR WORDS

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 13:03:59 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

You should understand that I do not mean to hurt your feelings, rather I want you to put yourself in my shoe, seeing the present predicaments am going through, do you want me to lose my dear wife? Because you did not trust the lawyer, it’s unfair my friend.

Now I believe that GOD knows the reason why are all these are happening to me, because I want to enjoy the fruit of my labour after all I have suffered to gathered all the informations about this money, which I have spent close to $100,000, and you are delaying it because of little money that is not up to $3,000, if you were me I know you can not be pleased with what is going on.

I have told you earlier that I will remain faithful and sincere to you till this money get transferred to your country, that you should keep record of what ever you pay the attorney which you have all the right to deduct as soon as you have this fund transferred to your account, and you keep on prolonging issues.

OK, last week you have a rain disaster in your area as you told me, and this week my wife got a fatal accident, can’t you think about what is happening, that GOD really want us to get this money and solve all our problems in life at once. Because I believe that whenever good things are coming to your way, the Satan will try to bring temptation to hinder it, but I believe and stand by faith to let the devil know he is a great liar, because my GOD is greater than him and I must possess my possession by the special grace of GOD Almighty Amen!

So do not have any fear go ahead and send the fee to the barrister, as I wait to hear the good news from you. Because of this issue I have delay to go and see my wife in the hospital.

Remains yours sincerely,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Maybe god is not on our side?

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 14:57:12

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email. I am glad that you have seen sense and wish to continue. Without this money, I fear that this winter’s bad weather will spell the end for Hemlock Hall.

However, all your talk of god in your last email got me thinking. We have both experienced catastrophes in the last week: my roof has leaked and your wife has had a fatal accident (which she has rather miraculously survived). Perhaps this means that god does not want us to claim this dead German’s money as our own? Perhaps god thinks that we are doing wrong, claiming this man’s money, which is not rightfully ours? Perhaps god is displeased with us? Perhaps god will send more disasters our way?

I have to admit, I am somewhat concerned. I think I may consult Parson Snows on Sunday after church and see what he thinks.

Incidentally, I have just had a call from Lady Murray. It appears that she is having a knockout time at Stuart Hall. She tells me that the otter hunt is going well. The only fly in the ointment is that she finds Sir Roger’s Gamekeeper, Eddie, wearing.

Anyway, I will contact the lawyer immediately and set the wheels in motion. I will keep you informed of developments.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Sangare Chambers

Subject: I am ready to move forward

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 14:59:23

Sangare,

Despite the discourtesy you have shown me by not replying to my emails and not answering my questions, I am now ready to move forward with this business concerning the dead German’s funds.

I would like to make it clear that I am only continuing this business with you as I find myself in a life or death situation. If things were not so urgent, I would drop you like a stone and find myself another lawyer. Anyway, let us put your inadequacies behind us and make a new start.

Kindly remind me what I have to do to get this money to you. Do you accept money via the Guaranteed International Money Provision Service (GIMPS)? This would be easiest for me.

I look forward to your prompt response.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Still no word from the lawyer

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 16:29:58

Nkonye,

I have just returned from the village, where I handed out the prize in the annual boat race. The blue team won this year, ending the red team’s unbroken series of six wins in a row. Most impressive. I’m not a boating expert, but if you ask me, it’s down to a combination of the blue team’s training and the way they were guided by their cox. The red team was all over the place this year – completely uncoordinated. They seemed to completely ignore their cox all the way through the race, which I think was their undoing.

I expected to have heard from the lawyer on my return, but despite my impressing on him the urgency of the situation, he has not been in touch. This is precisely why I was dissatisfied with the lawyer before.

You mentioned that you knew the lawyer yourself. I appreciate that you cannot implicate yourself personally with this business, but could you possibly have a word with the chap in a more general way? You know – mention to him that you’ve heard people saying that some of his clients think he is a useless lazy duffer who spends his time playing with himself when he should be responding to urgent emails? A little pep talk like that might spur him into action.

Let me know how you get on – I am champing at the bit here, raring to go.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CALL THE LAWYER ON PHONE AND STOP SENDING HIM SERIES OF MAILS

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 18:03:27 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

I have told you time without number that the only thing you have to do to please the lawyer is for you to call him on phone as soon as you the send the money to him, how do you expect him to be on the net like me who is a banker.

And the reason why I keep on staying in the net is because of this particular transaction is my greatest concern. Before I contacted you in this transaction I prayed and fasted to seek directions from GOD almighty for his guidance to the successfulness of this transaction.

Can you go to your holy Bible, read the book of JOB very well, you will see the stress and temptations he passed through, and today he is the father of all nation. So I believe that GOD is with us in this transaction.

Stop asking the lawyer more questions and try to pay up the fees he needed from you so that he will get the requested documents.

Make sure you send him the money first thing tomorrow morning so that he will arrange for the documents from the Federal High Court.

I will be waiting to hear a reasonable and good development from you tomorrow morning as I be leaving my office now to see my wife in the hospital.

Remain yours sincerely,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: I need information from the damn lawyer

Sent: Thu, 13 Nov 2023 19:51:01

Nkonye,

I am in receipt of your email. Frankly, I found it rather rude.

I emailed the lawyer earlier this afternoon, asking him to remind me how best to get the money to him – I have accidentally deleted the email in which he gave me details, and without this information I cannot get the money to him. He has not responded. I have tried contacting the lawyer by telephone as you suggested, but was unable to get through.

What is the point of the man having an email address if he refuses to respond to emails? Is the man being rude, or ignorant? Or both?

The money is ready to be transferred to the lawyer. But I cannot transfer it until he sends me details of how to get it to him.

If I do not hear from the lawyer tomorrow, I am tempted to give up on this entire transaction and look for some other way to make money. I do not want this to happen, and neither do you. But this lawyer is being no help whatsoever; in fact he is obstructing us.

I repeat, I must hear from the lawyer tomorrow. I cannot move forward without the details he needs to send me. As things stand at the moment, I cannot do anything.

Please do whatever you can to prod this fellow into action. I am getting sick and tired of dealing with the insubordinate clot. He is being no help in this matter whatsoever.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 08:25:24 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

Please my brother, I don’t want us to continue beating around the bush, as to repeating the same stage every blessed day.

See what you have to do now, send this money with my name and write to the attorney that a friend of yours in his country will come and give him the money for the requested documents, then I will send elder sister of my wife to go to the attorney’s office and pay the money to him immediately.

So you send it with my name and also send the informations to me so that I will cash it and give it to my wife elder sister to go and pay the lawyer at once, because I believe this is the only solution to this issue since you was unable to reach the attorney through phone.

Now you should understand that you are the person holding this transaction up till now, so you send it immediately and give me the informations so that I will go to Western Union and cash it immediately, because I want this money to be transferred at least tomorrow if the lawyer get the required documents from the High Court of Justice on your behalf.

Await your urgent response.

Remain yours sincerely,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: I shall send the money to you then

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 09:04:26

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email. At last, we are making some progress. I feel like I have been banging my head against a brick wall for the past few days, dealing with that slothful lawyer.

I shall do as you suggest, and transfer the fee directly to you. What is the best way to do this? I would prefer to use the Guaranteed International Money Provision Service (GIMPS) – this would be easiest for me, and would mean that the money would be transferred directly into your bank account. Seeing as you work in a bank, I assume this will be acceptable to you? All I need from you is the name, account number and sort code of your personal bank account, and I will transfer the money via GIMPS directly into it. Please forward me this information by return, and I will travel into town later this morning and see to it.

I will also contact that indolent lawyer as you suggest, and tell him that some woman will be calling round with his money.

I had a call last night from an old friend, Sir Bob Carolgees. He is passing through Lincolnshire today and will be popping in for high tea this afternoon. It will be good to see him again – I have not seen the man for months. Unfortunately, he will be bringing his German-born butler, Spitzedog, with him. I cannot understand why he does not get himself another butler – I have never come across a more uncouth individual in all my life.

Anyway, to business. I look forward to receiving your banking details so that I can forward you the money this morning.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Sangare Chambers

Subject: I am getting the money to you another way

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 09:19:52

Sangare,

I am dismayed that you have not had the common courtesy to respond to any of my emails. I would not even expect this kind of rude behaviour from a common goatherd, never mind a lawyer. I advise you to buck your ideas up, my man, otherwise you may find yourself losing clients.

Anyway, as it seems I am forced to use your services in this business, I have been in contact with a friend in the Ivory Coast and arranged to get the money to you via him. You can expect a woman to pop into your offices and deliver the money in the next day or so.

I just hope that you show a bit more action once you have received the money, and actually do something other that sit on your bony arse all day, which as far as I can see is all you’ve been doing so far in this relationship.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO HAVE IT DONE IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 10:48:28 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

I received your mail and thank you so much for understanding me regarding the best way to follow up this transaction as quickly as possible.

Now this what you have to do immediately, send the money to me through Western Union money transfer, instead of sending it through an account because it will take more time and days to clear through account.

So if you send it through Western Union money transfer I will cash it immediately and give it to the lady as I told you to go and pay it to the lawyer immediately as to hasten up the transfer and also to save the life of my dear wife.

Please you send it with my name together with the paying informations so that I will cash it immediately, use my full name and my house address 08 Bp Jibee Angree 11 Platue 08 Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire.

Await urgent response.

Remain yours sincerely,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: GIMPS

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 12:02:33

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email. I am delighted that we have found a way to work around the problems presented by the lawyer.

You say that Western Union money transfer is the best way to get the money to you, as transferring the money between accounts takes a few days. However, GIMPS is an instant transfer, and is less expensive than Western Union. Using GIMPS, the money will be in your account instantly. You simply have to go to your bank (simple for you, seeing as you work in a bank), ask the cashier for a GIMPS form, complete the form using the information I will send to you, and the money is transferred instantly into your account. As well as being cheaper, this is also a more secure method of transfer than Western Union.

I would much prefer to use GIMPS to transfer the money. Can I not persuade you? If so, please send me your account details as I requested in my last email.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WAIT URGENTLY

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 12:48:58 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

Remember I told you earlier that I don’t want anybody to know about my involvement in this transaction, and I will not want anybody in my bank to know that I receive money from your country, and this money is going to be transferred also to your country, my friend reason this with me.

Forget how much is the cost to avoid any mistake at this final stage, you can as well send the money through Western Union and pay and forget about the cost as I told you several time to keep a record of what ever you spent so far. Now you have the money to send, are you trying to tell me that you can not afford to bear the cost of transferring the money through Western Union, it’s unbelievable to me, if really you want assist me in this transaction I don’t think we should keep on debating on this particular issue.

Go ahead and send it through Western Union as to save my image in this transaction, as I assured you that as soon as I received the money and send it to the lawyer through my wife elder sister, the lawyer will proceed immediately for the documents on your behalf.

Await to receive the informations of the money from you as soon as possible.

Remain yours sincerely brother,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Of course, you are right

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 14:24:21

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email. Well, if you are sure you don’t want to involve GIMPS in this transaction, then I shall indeed transfer the money to you via Western Union. It will cost me a little more, but the reward at the end of this transaction will make it worthwhile.

Unfortunately, due to the delays introduced into this transaction by that worthless layabout of a lawyer, I shall now not be able to transfer the money until Monday morning. I cannot travel into town this afternoon, as Sir Bob Carolgees and Spitzedog are visiting, and Winton and I are in a bit of a tiswas getting things ready for them. Nor can I travel into town this weekend, as I am spending the weekend by the coast at my seaside retreat in Sellafield with Lady Murray, who returns from Stuart Hall this evening.

However, please be assured that I will travel into town first thing on Monday morning and transfer the money to you via Western Union. I trust that your wife’s doctors can wait for their bill until then, and that this will be acceptable.

Please accept my sincerest apologies for this delay. If we had used a decent lawyer in the first place, such as the eminent Mr Welsby, I am sure we would have concluded things days ago. However, I give you my word that we will conclude things on Monday.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WILL WAIT TILL MONDAY AS YOU PROMISED

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 16:19:22 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

I thank you so much for your words regarding the assurance you have giving me that we must surely conclude every arrangement with the lawyer first thing Monday morning.

I wish you a good stay with your visitor and also wish you and your family a happy weekend, as I have told the doctor to calm down that I will take care of the hospital bills as soon as possible.

Await to hear from you as promised on Monday morning, please make sure you send me the informations of the money as soon as you make the transfer.

Remain yours sincerely brother,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Monday it is, then

Sent: Fri, 14 Nov 2023 18:12:47

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email.

I had a most pleasant afternoon with Sir Bob Carolgees. We chatted for a few hours, reminiscing over times we spent together at Eton. Ah, there’s nothing like a bit of shared institutionalised brutality to bring two young men together.

Winton unfortunately had a less pleasant afternoon, entertaining Spitzedog in the kitchens. He is still wiping down surfaces as we speak.

Thank you for your kind wishes to me and my wife regarding the weekend. I hope you have a pleasant weekend too, and that your good lady wife continues to improve.

I will be in touch first thing Monday morning, on our return from Sellafield. Trust me, we will get this transaction tied up completely on Monday.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: I have transferred the money

Sent: Mon, 17 Nov 2023 10:05:38

Nkonye,

I trust you had a pleasant weekend, and that your dear lady wife is continuing her miraculous recovery from her fatal accident.

Lady Murray and I had an exceptionally pleasant weekend in Sellafield. We both enjoy getting away from it all at the seaside. We went beach-combing on Saturday, collecting shellfish to cook for our supper. Sellafield has a particularly rich abundance of shellfish on the seashore – for some reason, none of the locals bother collecting them. After an hour or so combing the rocks, we had harvested an exceptionally fine crop of unusually large cockles and mussels, which had a rather unique greenish tinge to them – it was probably a trick of the light, but they appeared to glow slightly in subdued light. They made a remarkably fine supper, washed down by a bottle of Chablis. Fresh food like this is so good for one’s constitution – my wife and I positively radiated energy once we had eaten our fill.

Unfortunately, we returned to Hemlock Hall last night to find that the area had experienced another bad storm on Saturday night, which caused severe damage to the roof over part of the west wing. Winton spent a large part of Saturday night running around with buckets, trying to catch the rain coming in through the roof.

Anyway, back to business. As promised, I got up early and went straight into town this morning to arrange the money transfer. Winton and I were waiting outside my bank when it opened, and once I had withdrawn the money, we made our way directly to the local Western Union office. It appears that Saturday night’s storms, which affected a large part of the east coast of England, have caused the Western Union computer network some problems too. The Western Union agent informed me that their main computer routing centre in Peterborough was struck by lightning during the storm, and they are experiencing computer network problems as a result. However, she assured me that this will not affect the money transfer I made.

Here are the details you require to collect the money ($2,600):

Sender’s name: Lord Gilbert Arnold Algernon Ffarquhar Pomphrey Maurice Micklewhite Murray, Earl of Gypping

Receiver’s name: Nkonye Akubia

Test question: Sir Keith Harris’ butler?

Answer: Orville

Control number: 4286496488

Please let me know as soon as you have collected the money, then I will contact the lawyer and inform him that someone will be bringing the fee to him later today.

I hope that the lawyer actually puts some effort into this transaction once he receives the money – the roof of Hemlock Hall now requires attention more urgently than ever.

Incidentally, I was most surprised to see an old friend in the Western Union office – Lord Charles, and his butler Ray Alan. Lord Charles, who was so surprised to see me that his monocle fell out, was also making a money transfer. He was very secretive about the whole affair, but Winton managed to glance over his shoulder and ascertain that he too was transferring money to Africa – to a fellow in Nigeria, it appears.

To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was all the butler’s doing – Lord Charles is a very pliable chap, and I have always suspected that Ray Alan is the guiding hand in most of his Lordship’s affairs. I have known Lord Charles for years, ever since we both appeared in an amateur theatre production during our time at Oxford. Although I have always found the man charming, I have to say that his performance on stage was rather wooden.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible, my dear chap. I am now off to survey the damage to the roof.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE RECOMFIRM THE INFORMATIONS AGAIN

Sent: Mon, 17 Nov 2023 11:09:50 +0000

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping,

Good morning, I received your email and the informations about the money you sent to me.

I was at the Western Union office as soon as I got the informations to cash the money, but on my greatest surprise the lady in charge of the Western Union told me that there was no such name with any money in the Western Union.

So it’s very important you reconfirm the informations again so that I will cash it.

Please do this immediately.

Await urgently to receive it.

Remain yours sincerely brother,

Dr Nkonye Akubia

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: I apologise for the problem

Sent: Mon, 17 Nov 2023 11:47:38

Nkonye,

Thank you for your email. I am most dreadfully sorry that you have had problems accessing the money I transferred to you. As soon as I read your email, I got straight on the telephone and called my local Western Union office, and explained the problems you had experienced.

The Western Union agent was most helpful. She investigated the problem and found the cause of the problem in a matter of minutes. She explained to me that it was due to the problems Western Union were having with their computer network following this weekend’s storms. The details of my money transfer had “got stuck” somewhere down the line – hence your Western Union office could not access the details.

The Western Union agent assured me that she has now resolved the issue, and that the money transfer has now gone through successfully. She apologised for the inconvenience, and asked me to pass on her apologies to you as well. So, if you return to your Western Union office, you will now find that the money transfer has gone through successfully.

To be on the safe side, she also gave me a telephone number that your local Western Union agent should call if they still have problems with this transfer. This should not be necessary, but if your Western Union agent still encounters problems, please get them to call +44 (0)20 74088091 (this is a London number) and give full details of the money transfer, including your name and address. They should then be able to sort everything out.

I had a rather scary moment this morning, my dear fellow. I am still recovering from the shock. I was in the gun room with Winton, cleaning and polishing my favourite 12 bore rifle in preparation for the annual swan shoot later this week. I was chatting away with Winton, who was using the time to wax my black motorcycle leathers and polish my purple motorcycle helmet. As Winton applied spit and polish to my purple helmet, buffing it up to a shine, I rubbed the shaft of my weapon vigorously. Imagine our surprise when my weapon went off in my hand and I shot both barrels into the wall! I did not know it was loaded. We were very lucky – had I been pointing my weapon in another direction, I could have shot my load over Winton’s face, and that would have been terribly messy.

Once more, please accept my apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you. I trust that you will be able to return to the Western Union office as soon as possible to collect the money. I am keen to get things moving as soon as possible.

Please contact me once the money is in your possession.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

The telephone number given is that of the US Secret Service within the US Embassy in London. The US Secret Service is actively trying to stamp out advance fee fraud.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: Have you collected the money yet, man?

Sent: Mon, 17 Nov 2023 14:56:08

Nkonye,

I am dismayed not to have received an email from you, informing me that you have collected the money I transferred to you. The sooner you get this money to the lawyer, the sooner we can get the dead German’s riches transferred across to us. What is the situation over there? Please advise.

On an unrelated matter, Winton and I have been outside for a while, trying to sort out a problem with the Aston Martin. We noticed on the way into town this morning that it was spluttering a bit, and was somewhat low on power. Winton is a dab hand at fixing problems on old cars, and after fiddling around with the old girl, he deduced that there was a problem with the fuel supply. According to Winton, the best course of action was to drain the fuel tank, flush it out, then refill it with a fresh supply of petrol. I summoned Titchmarsh, the gardener, and asked him to fetch an old length of hosepipe so that we could drain the tank.

In no time at all, Titchmarsh reappeared, holding his hose in his hand. I watched in fascination as Winton got down on his knees, grasped Titchmarsh’s hose firmly in both hands, and started to suck. Eventually, after a determined bout of sucking from Winton, the fluid started to flow. This came as something of a surprise to Winton, who unfortunately did not remove Tichmarsh’s hose from his mouth quickly enough. He ended up getting a mouthful before directing the rest of the liquid spurting from the end of Titchmarsh’s hose into a bucket.

Winton is still outside right now, flushing out the fuel tank in preparation for re-filling it later today. I hope this solves the problem. Lady Murray’s Bentley is going for a service this week; I cannot afford to send the Aston to the garage as well at the moment.

On another unrelated matter, I received a call from an old friend, Sir Basil Brush, just a few moments ago. He is passing Hemlock Hall tomorrow and has asked if he can pop in for a spot of tea in the late morning. He will be bringing his new butler, whom he refers to as “Mr Derek” (Sir Basil is somewhat eccentric in the way in which he refers to his domestic staff). Mr Derek is apparently a replacement for Sir Basil’s previous butler, Mr Roy. I am extremely fond of Sir Basil, but I haven’t seen a lot of him lately. He is a devilishly amusing chap, and has a habit of finishing off his jokes by saying “BOOM BOOM”, which has everyone falling about. You’d like him, I daresay. He’s a sharp old chap, and as cunning as a fox.

Get back to me as soon as you can with news about the money, there’s a good man. I dislike being kept waiting around.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Dr Nkonye Akubia

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH OF ALL THESE NONSENSE

Sent: Mon, 17 Nov 2023 16:18:23 +0000

Please I beg your pardon, enough is enough of all these insult and rubbish you are telling me.

You think you are smart enough to deceive me with $2,600. Please you better go back to the so-called Western Union you send the money and tell them to give you your money back, while you send back all the documents I have giving to you since we started this transaction.

SEND ME THE FUND ON ORIGIN, WHY YOU HAVE THAT DEATH CERTIFICATE FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU WILL DIE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

So that is why I will leave the death certificate for your death.

DO THIS IMMEDIATELY.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: What on earth are you on about, my dear chap?

Sent: Mon, 17 Nov 2023 16:59:02

Nkonye,

I am in receipt of your rather astonishing email. Are you alright, my dear fellow? By the phrasing of your email, I can only assume that you are drunk. Perhaps your dear lady wife has taken a turn for the worse and you have turned to the bottle in desperation. Don’t do it, my dear chap – it isn’t the answer.

Now kindly get yourself a strong black coffee, sober up, and let us return to this business. I don’t appreciate having to try and decipher the ramblings of an incoherent fool, so snap back to your senses immediately. Have you forgotten what I was telling you last week about the importance of maintaining a stiff upper lip?

Please clarify what is happening. Have you returned to the Western Union office and collected the money? Have you sent it on to the lawyer? And if not, why not? I must know what is going on.

Now pull yourself together, put down the bottle, and let’s have no more of this unfathomable babble. I look forward to a more measured, sensible response to this email.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Nkonye Akubia

Subject: I shall move forward with Mr Abacha

Sent: Tue, 18 Nov 2023 09:13:36

Nkonye,

I am concerned that I have not heard anything from you since the email you sent yesterday, which was so incoherent that it was obviously written under the influence of alcohol. I do hope nothing untoward has happened to you, my dear fellow. But given your silence, Winton and I are fearing the worst.

Perhaps, like your wife, you have suffered a fatal accident? Perhaps in your keenness to get to the Western Union office and get your hands on my money, you have been run over by a truck? Perhaps the Western Union office was struck by lightning while you were in there attempting to get your hands on my money, and you were burned to a crisp? Perhaps, in a mad, sweating frenzy of eagerness and greed, brought on by the thought of getting your hands on my money, you simply forgot to breathe, and suffocated to death right there in front of the cashier?

I do hope that this is not the case. However, given your silence, I am afraid that I have no alternative but to cancel my Western Union money transfer and find some other way of raising the money to maintain the fabric of Hemlock Hall. As luck would have it, I have just received an email from a fellow called Abacha, who is proposing what sounds like a very lucrative deal. I have to say, my dear chap, this Abacha presents himself in a much more professional light than you do. So I think I shall move forward with Abacha’s proposal.

I must say that it has been a pleasure doing business with you, Nkonye, even if things didn’t turn out quite as I would have hoped. Winton and I wish you all the best.

And if, like your dear lady wife, you have suffered a fatal accident, we wish you the same miraculous recovery that your wife has enjoyed.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping