Thank you for sending me that revised death certificate so quickly. Thank the lord that you were able to obtain another death certificate in so little time and with such comparatively little difficulty.

I am sorry to hear that you had to wander round the hospital crying your eyes out before someone would attend to you. I don’t know; the health service nowadays really is going down the pan. Mind that you don’t cry too often now, won’t you my dear girl? Crying causes wrinkles, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this business, it’s that the punters don’t go for girls whose faces are wrinkled like prunes. You listen to me and make sure that you look after yourself properly.

I’m very sorry to hear that you spent the last of your money obtaining that death certificate. I’m sure it won’t be too long before we get this business done and dusted, but until then, may I make a suggestion? A pretty young thing like yourself need never be short of a bob or two. Have you thought of making the most of your natural assets, and making enquiries in the hotel to see if any of the guests would be willing to pay for a sensual massage? I’m sure that if you hung around the hotel bar at night there’d be no shortage of travelling businessmen who would be willing to pay good money to spend a bit of time with a pretty young slip of a thing like you. It would also get you into practice for when you move over here and start working in my own massage parlour. Give it a try, my girl. You know it makes sense.

Now then, you’ll be pleased to know that I did as you suggested and showed those documents to my lawyer this morning. And let me tell you, it’s a damn good job I did so! You see Welsby’s eagle eyes spotting a glaring discrepancy in your late father’s will.

As you’re no doubt aware, your father shuffled off this mortal coil on the 21st April 2004. However, Welsby pointed out that his will is dated 24th August 2004... a full four months after he breathed his last and took up a new career pushing up the daisies!

Once again, there is a major problem with the documentation you have sent me, my dear girl. As you are now certain that your late father’s death certificate is 100% correct, this must logically mean that there is something amiss with his will.

Do you think your evil uncle could have had something to do with this? Well, whoever is to blame, there is obviously no way that I can send the documentation to the bank when such a glaring inconsistency exists; they would be bound to spot it at once, and bang would go our chances of retrieving your money.

The way I see it, there is only one course of action open to us: you must do whatever you can to get hold of a copy of your father’s real will... in other words, one that was drawn up and signed before, and not after his death. Perhaps you could get in touch with the lawyer that drew up the will for him? His name is on the will. I’m sure that if you asked him nicely he’d be willing to help you out.

Please do this as soon as you can, my dear girl: Dr Okita at the bank is hassling me on a daily basis to get those documents to him, so there is no time to waste. Get back to me as soon as you have a valid copy of your late father’s will. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: I WILL SEND YOU THE DOCUMENTS AS SOON AS I HAVE THEM

Sent: Thu, 14 Dec 2023 16:02:39

Dear Dr Okita,

Will you please stop hassling me to send you those documents? I have told you again and again that I will send them to you as soon as I have them, and I will do so. I cannot send them before I have them, so there is no point whatsoever in you continuing to badger me day in day out. I WILL SEND THEM TO YOU AS SOON AS I HAVE THEM. Have you got that?

As it happens, I am now very close to having all of the documents. There is just a slight problem with Mr Kofi’s will... and it is not a problem of my making, I hasten to point out. As soon as that is sorted out, I will send you the documents without delay.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Rossy Kofi

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I am coming back from the bank as I told you

Sent: Thu, 14 Dec 2023 16:29:51

Dearest Gilbert,

I receive your mail and the content was well understood by me. Dearest is true that there is mistake in the will but as I told you that I will be going to the bank today with all the documents, I submitted all the documents to Dr Evans Okita and he also saw the mistake and he said to me that I should go and correct the mistake before bringing them to his office and I pleaded to him to let him know that I don’t know where my late father lawyer is now as he know that my life is in danger and I cannot go back to my late father’s house because of my wicked uncle because if he see me he will kill me.

After my begging to him he said that I should not worry so far. He is in the position to help me that he will welcome the documents but he said that they will not do anything without hearing from you, he also said that the most important document their bank need is the deposit receipt and the death certificate so please I don’t want you to have any fear in sending the documents to the bank.

Please feel free to contact the bank because they are waiting to hear from you as the person who will receive my money in his account.

Meanwhile dearest I want you to know that I was born and brought up in a Christian family. I know that you are not advising me to prostitute myself because of money? Because I haven’t done that before, I am a virgin and I promise my God that I will not dirty myself until I get married so please stop using that type of words on me. I don’t like it at all I just told you how I suffered before I get the death certificate and pleaded to you to be quick so that the bank will transfer my money to your account for you to put hand on my money to send me some money which I will use to get my travelling papers to come over to your country so please I am waiting to hear from you before I will leave the cyber cafe.

Thanks and God bless you,

Yours Rossy

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rossy Kofi

Subject: Dr Okita never ceases to amaze me

Sent: Thu, 14 Dec 2023 17:28:03

Dear Ms Kofi,

I must say, Dr Okita never ceases to amaze me. I can’t believe that he’s willing to move forward and transfer $7.5 million of your late father’s money into my personal bank account on the say-so of a dubious will that was signed and dated four months after the man actually died! Obviously the code of banking ethics to which Dr Okita adheres is about as firm as my customers’ private parts after a half hour session with Madame Blamm.

Well, this is good news indeed! And it’s marvellous to hear that you’re not going to have to track down your deceased dad’s lawyer and get him to redraft the will of a dead man. I imagine that would have been frightfully difficult to arrange... although given how easy it was for you to obtain a revised death certificate the other day, perhaps not. It’s amazing what you women can get away with when you put on the tears.

It’s too late for me to contact the bank now, but I’ll get in touch with them in the morning and see what needs to be done. Don’t you worry, my girl; we’ll have you out of that hotel and installed in my massage parlour quicker than you can say “full personal with toys and uniforms followed by OWO and CIM”. Which happens to be Madame Blamm’s speciality, by the way.

On the subject of my massage parlour, it’s a bit late for you to be coming over all prudish, my girl. For heaven’s sake, you’ve already agreed not only to invest your money into the business, but to start working there yourself. Wake up and smell the kofi, dear girl. Everybody’s got to make a living. And there are far worse ways of doing it than lying back and thinking of Togo.

I must go. Now if you’re a bit short of money, you take my advice my girl, and see if you can get chatting to a well-heeled businessman in the hotel bar. You never know, you might even enjoy it.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I’ve heard back from the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Rossy Kofi

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for your mail

Sent: Fri, 15 Dec 2023 10:17:45

Dearest Gilbert,

I receive your mail with thanks and I am very happy to hear that you will contact the bank this morning as you said so please kindly do so and get back to me for me to know your discussion with the bank and when the bank will transfer my money but I want you to know that what you are telling me to do is very difficult for me to practise it because I haven’t do so before and you know that is a sin in the presence of God.

I want if I come to your country I will get married to someone who will not break my heart so please kindly send your picture to me. I want to see you. I am waiting to hear from you.

Thanks and God bless you,

Your lovely Rossy

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: Miss Kofi tells me that you now have all the documentation that you require

Sent: Fri, 15 Dec 2023 12:06:38

Dear Dr Okita,

Miss Kofi contacted me yesterday and told me that she has now given you all the documentation that you require in order to transfer the $7.5 million from the late Mr Kofi’s bank account into my own.

I have to say that I was extremely surprised when she told me that you had agreed to move forward with this transfer even though her late father’s will appears to have been signed a full four months after his death. You are obviously not such a stickler for rules and regulations as my own bank manager, Nathaniel West. However, if your lax attitude means that we can get this transfer completed sooner rather than later, who am I to complain?

Now that you have all the documentation you need, here are the details of the bank account I would like the money transferred into:

Bank Account Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray
Bank Account Number: 74053275
Sort Code: 21-38-19
Account Holding Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK

Please effect the transfer immediately. Tell me, how long do you think it will be before the money appears in my bank account? As you are no doubt aware, Miss Kofi is currently in a rather unfortunate position – the poor dear has been reduced to selling her body in some seedy hotel to make ends meet – so the sooner we can get this transfer completed, the better.

Please get back to me as soon as the transfer has been made.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rossy Kofi

Subject: Don’t worry my dear girl; everything is in hand

Sent: Fri, 15 Dec 2023 12:09:42

Dear Ms Kofi,

Don’t worry my dear girl; everything is in hand. I’ve just contacted Dr Okita at the bank and instructed him to move forward with this transfer with all the speed he can muster.

You say that what I’m asking you to do is difficult for you? Well, needs must, my dear. The plain fact of the matter is that until this transfer is completed you haven’t got a penny to your name. You’re going to need money to buy food and to pay for the hotel room. If you ask me, now’s not the time to be getting sniffy about selling sexual favours to well-heeled businessmen. You’ve got to make the most of what you’ve got... and all you seem to have going for you at the moment is a pretty face and a decent body. Make use of them, my dear!

Trust me, from what my girls tell me the first few times are generally quite unpleasant but it gets easier as time goes on. And it’ll give you valuable experience for when you start working here at Massage in the Marsh. Besides, I like a girl with a bit of experience.

You asked for my photograph. I’ve attached a small one to this email. It was taken by my neighbour, who’s quite a keen amateur photographer. He’s very into his black and white shots. Says they look more arty. Well, do you like the look of what you see? I might be getting on a bit but I like to look after myself.

Incidentally, you mentioned wanting to get married when you move over here. One thing at a time, my dear, one thing at a time. Let’s get you set up working in the massage parlour before you start turning your thoughts to marriage. Few things put off the punters more than the sight of a wedding ring on a girl’s finger.

I’ll get back to you as soon as Dr Okita gets back to me. Good luck in the bar tonight.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

The extremely dapper Gilbert
(Click to enlarge)

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Information for urgent attention

Sent: Fri, 15 Dec 2023 15:49:44

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Compliment of the season. This message is to inform you that your bank details have been received today being 15th of December 2006. But we are waiting to receive your international passport or personal ID for records purpose with the office stamp duty fee of $375, which will enable us put all necessary files in place before the funds will be transfer immediately without any more delay.

Furthermore, the legal documents concerning the depositing of the said funds was submitted to my office by Miss Rossylin Kofi yesterday and the most important document the bank needed from you is the fund deposit bond and the death certificate of the depositor for verification purposes and bear in mind that immediately we receive the above mentioned fee accompanied with your passport or ID the transfer will take place and within 72 hours the funds will hit to your nominated bank account depending your co-operation with your bank in UK.

Your prompt response and kind understanding is most highly solicited in this regards.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Rossy Kofi

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From your lovely Rossy

Sent: Sun, 17 Dec 2023 16:50:14

Dearest Gilbert,

I receive your mail and I saw your picture and yes you look so nice and honest to me and I believe that you will never do me bad thing when my money is transfer to your account so please as I told you before that I want everything to be quick so that the bank will transfer my money to your account for me to leave here immediately to come over to your country and have rest of mind.

Also concerning what you are telling me I will look into it and see if I will be able to do it since it is the only way I can see myself through until my money gets to your account but you know that is not good in the presence of God so dearest I want you to do everything you can to see that my money enters your account before the end of the week please because I am tired of staying here in Africa.

Please don’t fail to get back to me for me to know when the bank will transfer my money to your account.

Thanks and have a wonderful weekend.

Yours lovely Rossy Kofi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: A copy of my passport is attached

Sent: Mon, 18 Dec 2023 08:46:03

Dear Dr Okita,

As requested, please find attached a copy of my passport. Please respond by return to let me know that you have received it.

As for the stamp duty fee of $375, how should I get this to you? Will a personal cheque be acceptable, or do you accept payment by Visa? Alternatively, I can send the payment in the form of Green Shield stamps if you would prefer. Please advise and I will make the necessary arrangements.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

An extremely large, unreadable file was attached to this email.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rossy Kofi

Subject: I’ve sent my passport to the bank

Sent: Mon, 18 Dec 2023 15:12:51

Dear Ms Kofi,

How are you my dear girl? Did you have any luck trying to find a businessman in the hotel bar who was willing to throw a few coppers your way in return for a bit of slap and tickle and a touch of how’s your father?

Oh... sorry. “How’s your father” is a bit of an unfortunate phrase to use, given the fact that we both know what happened to yours. I apologise if I’ve upset you, my dear. Anyway, hopefully you’ll have used your feminine wiles to make yourself a bit of money and keep yourself from starving for the time being.

Regarding this transaction, I sent Dr Okita a scanned copy of my passport this morning, and I’ve asked him to confirm how I should send the stamp duty to him. I’m waiting for the man to get back to me as we speak. Hopefully he won’t take long.

Thanks for your kind comments about my appearance, by the way. Much appreciated. Perhaps once you’ve moved over here and start work in the massage parlour, I’ll be able to show you the ropes, as it were. Just to make sure you know what floats an Englishman’s boat. No need to tell the wife, eh? I’m sure you agree.

Talking of photographs, do you have any more of yourself that you could send me? Preferably ones of you wearing slightly less clothes if you have any. You see, I’ve mentioned the fact that you’ll soon be working for me to a few of my regular customers and they’re very keen to see what you look like – to examine the goods carefully prior to purchase, if you like. Do send me any you have.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Rossy Kofi

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You will see another picture of mine

Sent: Mon, 18 Dec, 2006 19:06:16

Dearest Gilbert,

I am very happy to have somebody like you who is concerned about my wellbeing and also I thank you for your efforts towards helping an orphan child like me and I know that you will not give me bad advice so please dearest I want you to let me know how I will begging to get into what you are telling as you know that I haven’t do it before and I am a virgin I haven’t date any man before so please I want you to teach me how I will start doing it and please dearest as you promise me that you will make sure that my money transfer to your account this week.

Please I don’t want you to fail me because I don’t like to stay in Africa any more because Africa people are wicked and I miss you, I will be very happy if I will see you soonest and join you to take care of other works you will advise me to do for you.

Thanks and God be with you always until we see each other soonest and you will see another picture of mine but please it is my personal picture and I want you to keep it with you.

Yours lovely Rossy

Two more photographs were attached to this email.

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Your request!!!

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 09:16:31

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Compliment of the season, your message was received today being 19th of December 2006.

Concerning the information requested from you, we are hereby inform to you that your international passport has been received to this bank and here is the information to transmit the STAMP DUTY FEE.

Note: you are to transmit the above fee through our agent (MONEY EXPRESS) with the name of our receiving cashier: Mrs Franca Aviva. City: Lome. Country: Togo.

Payment information must be send to this email address for security reasons.

Best regards.

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rossy Kofi

Subject: Dr Okita has just got back to me

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 10:03:33

Dear Ms Kofi,

Thanks for those extra photos. It’s a bit of a shame you weren’t wearing a few less clothes when they were taken, but never mind; they’ll still give my customers a better idea of what they’ve got to look forward to.

And don’t worry about your lack of experience in this area. I’ll be more than happy to break you in. It’s something I have to do with a lot of the girls who start here, especially the ones who are trafficked over to this country from Eastern Europe thinking they’re going to be working as secretaries or cleaners or what have you. Which is most of them, as it happens.

Now then, back to this transaction. Dr Okita has just got back to me, so hopefully we’ll have everything done and dusted before you know it. Just think, my dear, in a few weeks time we’ll have got you out of Africa and you’ll be over here working in my massage parlour and getting to know all about English men. A lot of English men. I’ll bet you can’t wait. I know for a fact that my regular customers can’t.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: What’s this “Money Express”? I’ve never heard of it

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 10:05:37

Dear Dr Okita,

Thank you for getting back to me. Better late than never.

What’s this “Money Express” you’re asking me to use? I’ve never heard of it. Apparently the village post office does something called “MoneyGram”. Would that do instead? It’s either that or Green Shield stamps, I think.

Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You can transmit the fee through MoneyGram

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 10:49:23

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Responding swiftly to your already received message, Money Express is like MoneyGram but there is no problem you can transmit the fee through MoneyGram with the same information given to you and forward the payment information to this email address.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: I’ve transferred the money via MoneyGram

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 12:11:29

Dear Dr Okita,

I’ve just come back from the local post office, where I transferred the $375 to Mrs Aviva via MoneyGram.

The postmistress tells me that the money will be available for collection immediately, and that Mrs Aviva will need the following information when she goes to pick it up:

Sender’s name: Gilbert Arnold Murray
Recipient’s name: Franca Aviva
Amount sent: $375
MoneyGram reference number: 26103453
Test question: Madame Blamm’s speciality?
Answer: Full personal, OWO, CIM

Please get back to me as soon as Mrs Aviva has picked up the money. Presuming that she will be able to do so at some point later today, how long do you think we will have to wait for the transfer to be completed?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Very Urgent incorrect MoneyGram reference number

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 15:19:23

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Kindly go through the payment information you have sent and rectify the wrong number in the MoneyGram reference number: 26103453, an error was found while trying to retrieve the money or simply scan the payment slip and send immediately.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: I’m terribly sorry: I made a mistake

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 15:52:03

Dear Dr Okita,

I’m terribly sorry, my dear chap: I’ve had another look at the MoneyGram receipt the postmistress gave me, and it looks as if I’ve made a mistake. The postmistress doesn’t have very good handwriting you see, and I’ve mistaken a 9 for a 1. I really should wear my spectacles when I’m doing paperwork.

The actual MoneyGram reference number appears to be 26903453, not 26103453 as I mistakenly told you earlier.

I’m very sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you or Mrs Aviva. Please pass on my sincere apologies to the woman.

Anyway, now that you have the correct number, I hope that Mrs Aviva will be able to pick up the money before the end of the day. Please get back to me as soon as she has done so, with an estimate of how long you think it will take for the $7.5 million to appear in my bank account.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: There is still difficulty kindly scan and send the payment confirmation slip

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 16:31:36

Attn: Mr Gilbert,

Information from the Cashier Dept shows impossible. Please there is still problem trying to retrieve the money. I think the best you will do is to scan the payment slip and send it across immediately.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: What on earth are you playing at, for heaven’s sake?

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 16:56:22

Dear Dr Okita,

I am most concerned to hear that you and Mrs Aviva have still not collected the money I transferred to you. What on earth are you playing at, for heaven’s sake? Granted, I made a mistake with the number the first time, but now you definitely have the right number so I can’t for the life of me see what the problem could be.

The postmistress told me that collecting a MoneyGram transfer was so simple that even a child could do it. So why are you and Mrs Aviva finding it so difficult?

I will send you a copy of the MoneyGram receipt, but I won’t be able to do that until later tonight when I get home... or more likely tomorrow morning. I’m extremely busy at the moment – one of my Slovenian girls appears to have run away – and I simply don’t have time to do it right now.

In the meantime, have you thought that the problem may lie with the MoneyGram agent you’ve been going to? Here’s an idea: why not try a different one. Perhaps the people at the one you’ve been going to don’t know what they’re doing.

Right, that’s settled then. You go and try a different MoneyGram agent. If you still have problems accessing the money, let me know and I’ll send you a copy of the MoneyGram receipt first thing in the morning if necessary. Hopefully it won’t be.

Get back to me as soon as you get back from the different MoneyGram agent and let me know what the situation is. Right now I’m off out for a scout around the village to see if I can catch up with this runaway girl. She can’t have got far wearing nothing more than stilettos, stockings and suspenders... not on a cold night like tonight.

I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Do it to enable us proceed

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 17:32:24

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

You can see that the fault is not from us so please do us a favour by sending the slip to us to enable Mrs Franca Aviva will proceed to MoneyGram tomorrow morning.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: MoneyGram receipt attached

Sent: Tue, 19 Dec 2023 21:23:52

Dear Dr Okita,

I was extremely disappointed to read in your last email that you hadn’t bothered trying a different MoneyGram agent like I told you to. You could have saved us a lot of time if you’d done so. Do you not realise how important this transaction is to me and the unfortunate Miss Kofi?

Anyway, please find attached a copy of the MoneyGram receipt I got from the post office earlier today. I suggest that you and Mrs Aviva print it out and take it down to the MoneyGram agent first thing in the morning. I’m sure that once they see a printout of the MoneyGram receipt they’ll be able to sort out whatever the problem is.

I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the whole evening searching the village and the surrounding area for the missing Slovenian girl, but I haven’t had any luck. I’m starting to get worried: every minute she’s not on the job, I’m losing money, and that just won’t do. On top of that, some of my regular clients have been complaining: apparently none of the other girls do A level quite like her.

My business is on the line here: if I don’t get her back soon I’ll start losing my regulars to one of Gypping in the Marsh’s other gentlemens’ establishments. I’ll have to redouble my efforts in the morning and do all I can to get her back.

Right, get back to me as soon as you can in the morning with news about the money transfer. I’ll be waiting to hear from you in the morning.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: UK Money Express address please

Sent: Wed, 20 Dec 2023 15:22:50

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Compliment of the season. We are informing you that the receipt of the payment slip of MoneyGram have been received but we are sorry for the inconveniences towards this. Bear in mind that the MoneyGram agent here in Lome have refused to pay the money saying that the information is not OK so please we advise you to go and withdraw the money and transmit it to our receiving agent known as MONEY EXPRESS OR WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.

Here is the address of our agent in London through Money Express where to locate Money Express in London: 92 Upton Lane, Forest Gate, London E7 9LW. So it will be very easy for you to transmit the money there.

Meanwhile, there will be a Board of Directors’ meeting immediately after 16.45 GMT concerning the approval of your funds and we will notify you after the meeting. Please try to reason with us to transmit the stamp duty fee through our receiving agent possible today or tomorrow.

Your good understanding and prompt co-operation is most highly solicited in this matter.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Rossy Kofi

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: How are you today dearest?

Sent: Wed, 20 Dec 2023 15:52:36

Dearest Gilbert,

How are you today? I hope all is well with you? How about your business, I hope is going fine?

I have heard what you said but please dearest I don’t want you to be bothering yourself too much because of the other girls who is working in the message parlour and I want to know the latest development about the transfer of my money to your account. Is everything ready now for my money to transfer to your account?

Please let me know dearest.

Thanks and God bless you.

Your lovely Rossy

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: What do you mean, “the information is not OK”?

Sent: Wed, 20 Dec 2023 16:02:53

Dear Dr Okita,

I have just read your last email with a mixture of exasperation and disbelief. What do you mean, “the information is not OK”? That’s my money that’s currently floating around in the MoneyGram ether and I’m not happy about it. I can’t understand why Mrs Aviva hasn’t been able to collect it. Are you sure the woman knows what she’s doing?

It’s all very well you telling me to transfer the money via some outfit based in London, but do you have any idea how far away London is from Gypping in the Marsh? It’s over a hundred miles away, Dr Okita. It’d take me all day to get there and back, and that’s something I can ill afford to do at the moment, given the problems I’ve been having with this Slovenian runaway.

Talking about the Slovenian girl, good news. The vicar called round this morning to tell me that she’d made her way to the local church and was claiming asylum or some such nonsense. The vicar explained that she’d spun him some yarn about how she was shipped over to this country under false pretences and about how she had been forced into working in my massage parlour against her will.

Obviously, I explained to the vicar that this was all rubbish. I told him that I’d paid good money for that girl to the gang that had trafficked her into the country and that he really ought to hand her back over to me so that she could start earning money for me again. He wasn’t too sure what to do at first, but I eventually managed to persuade him to hand her over to me. The offer of a couple of free sessions with the girl with all the extras thrown in on the house made him see sense in the end.

So, I’m pleased to report that she’s now back in the massage parlour. I had a strong word with her after the vicar delivered her back, and I’m pretty confident that she won’t be trying anything like that again. And as soon as her bruises have gone down she’ll be able to start earning good money for me again.

Anyway, I digress. Back to this transaction. There must be a way to get the money to you via MoneyGram. Maybe something is wrong at this end. I can’t do anything about it today – it’s early closing day in the village – but as soon as the post office is open in the morning I’m going to pop down there and see if I can find out what’s wrong.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I get back from the post office. Expect to hear from me early in the morning.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rossy Kofi

Subject: Things could be better

Sent: Wed, 20 Dec 2023 17:02:30

Dear Ms Kofi,

Thank you for your email. Apologies for my brief reply, but things are very busy around here at the moment.

You asked how things were. Well, I’ve had a few problems with the business over the past couple of days: one of my Eastern European girls ran away the other day and I wasted a good deal of time searching the village for her. Anyway, I managed to get her back in the end, and I’ve managed to knock some sense into her. I don’t think she’ll be running away again.

Things could be better regarding this transaction too, to be honest. I’ve transferred the stamp duty fee over to Dr Okita, but he’s making a complete hash of picking up the money. Anyway, I’m going back to the post office first thing in the morning to see if there’s a problem at this end. I’m sure we’ll manage to get it sorted before too long.

However, even if we manage to get this MoneyGram issue sorted out tomorrow, it’s looking unlikely that we’ll be able to get you shipped over here before Christmas. How are you getting on selling sexual favours in the hotel bar? Are you making enough money to see you through the festive season? I do hope so.

Anyway, fingers crossed that we get this problem solved in the morning. I’ll keep you informed.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Congratulations Mr Gilbert Murray do help us for we to proceed

Sent: Wed, 20 Dec 2023 18:18:40

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Congratulations, after the Board of Directors’ meeting which has just ended before I’m writing to inform you that your funds has today being 20th December 2006 approved for onward transfer to your nominated account in UK.

But however Mr Gilbert, we need your direct telephone and fax numbers to fax to you the approval details of the said funds.

Finally Mr Gilbert, do help us to transmit the stamp duty fee through our agent (WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY EXPRESS), because I printed out the payment slip you sent to us and handed it over to Mrs Franca Aviva but on her return she said that the MoneyGram agent refused to pay the money to her saying that the reference number is invalid so please in my best advice do help us to transmit the money to our own agent for we to proceed.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Rossy Kofi

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I am very happy

Sent: Thu, 21 Dec 2023 09:13:06

Dearest Gilbert,

Dearest my heart is full of happiness when I read your mail this morning to hear from you that you have got back the girl who ran away from the massage parlour and I believe that with this at hand you can now think of other things to do to make the business move on in a large way.

Dearest I want if I come over there then I will do as you promise me because I don’t want to start doing it here in Africa. I am fearing because there is a lot of sickness here in Africa so please don’t be angry with me I beg you and I pray that everything will be OK with the stamp duty fee you send to the bank so please try all your possible to see that everything go successful.

Thanking you for your efforts towards me. May Almighty God reward you abundantly for having the mind to help an orphan child like me.

Yours lovely Rossy

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Thu, 21 Dec 2023 09:39:48

Dear Dr Okita,

Good news. I’ve just come back from the post office and I’ve managed to find out what the problem is with that MoneyGram transfer.

I explained to the postmistress that your local MoneyGram agent hadn’t been able to locate my transfer. The postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the middle of upgrading their computer hardware in the UK. This has apparently resulted in what she called “internet connectivity” problems, and apparently mine isn’t the only transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. What this means is that the transfer is definitely in the MoneyGram system – the postmistress showed it to me on her own computer – but it is not showing up on your local MoneyGram agent’s computer because of these “internet connectivity” problems.

However, the postmistress explained that there’s a simple solution to this. She told me exactly what your local MoneyGram agent needs to do in order to locate my transfer on their computer and gain access to the money. Apparently all they need to do is to follow procedure MG-ZS180 in their MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. This will apparently give your local MoneyGram agent access to all transfers that have got “stuck” in the system, and will mean that Mrs Aviva will be able to collect the money there and then.

The postmistress was rather surprised that the MoneyGram agent Mrs Aviva visited hadn’t followed this procedure already: apparently it’s standard procedure for MoneyGram agents when things like this happen. She showed me the procedure in her own copy of the MoneyGram Procedures Handbook... in fact she was even good enough to photocopy the page for me. I’ve scanned it in and attached it to this email.

She said to me that if your local agent didn’t know to carry out procedure MG-ZS180, they probably don’t know their job very well and that they could probably benefit from some more training. Perhaps Mrs Aviva ought to suggest this to the MoneyGram agent when she goes back to collect the money. After all, their ignorance of their own procedures has wasted not only your time and Mrs Aviva’s time, but – more importantly – mine as well.

Anyway, as it seems as if your MoneyGram agent doesn’t know their job very well, perhaps you should print off the page from the MoneyGram handbook I’ve sent you and get Mrs Aviva to take it along with her. Then even if your MoneyGram agent doesn’t really know what they’re doing, they can follow the instructions that the postmistress gave me to gain access to the money I’ve transferred.

Please get back to me as soon as Mrs Aviva has been back to the MoneyGram agent to let me know that the money is safely in your possession. I’ll be waiting to hear from you. Hopefully we’ll be able to make some real progress now that we’ve managed to get this sorted out.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

A page from the MoneyGram Procedures Handbook (not!)
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita; Cc: Rossy Kofi

Subject: What’s going on at your end?

Sent: Thu, 21 Dec 2023 17:12:43

Dear Dr Okita,

What’s going on at your end? Has Mrs Aviva collected the money from the MoneyGram agent? Why haven’t I heard back from you yet today?

Do you not realise how important this business is, both to myself and to the fragrant Miss Kofi? I’d appreciate it if you could stop fiddling with your paperclips or whatever it is you bankers do all day and get back to me at once with an update on the current situation.

I am waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Dr Evans Okita

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Everything will be concluded tomorrow!!

Sent: Thu, 21 Dec 2023 18:52:32

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

I write to inform you that everything is in progress but due to the fact that I’m very busy in the office today attending to our numerous customers, kindly get patience with us in the meantime for us to rectify with the MoneyGram agent tomorrow and as soon as that is done, we will get back to you immediately.

Meanwhile, you are required to send across to us your personal telephone and fax numbers to fax to you the approval details of your funds or if you will like us to send it to you scanned much better.

Best regards,

DR EVANS OKITA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita; Cc: Rossy Kofi

Subject: I sincerely hope that everything is concluded today

Sent: Fri, 22 Dec 2023 08:03:55

Dear Dr Okita,

Thank you for your email. You say that everything will be concluded today? Well I sincerely hope that it is: I will be travelling extensively over the Christmas period, so if Mrs Aviva doesn’t manage to collect the stamp duty fee from the MoneyGram agent today, we will have to put this transaction on hold until the new year.

And where would that leave poor Miss Kofi? Selling her body to make ends meet in a run-down hotel bar, that’s where. And that’s the last thing I want to happen... given that she could be doing it in my massage parlour, where I can take a cut of the proceeds.

I’m sure you are very busy in the office with it being Christmas time. No doubt there are all sorts of important things you have to do before the bank closes for the festive season: holding office parties, chasing your secretary around the desk with a sprig of mistletoe in your hand and photocopying your backside, for example.

I can understand that you want to have a bit of fun at this time of year, but just make sure that you don’t lose sight of this transaction, won’t you? This is important. Get back to me as soon as Mrs Aviva has collected the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr Evans Okita; Cc: Rossy Kofi

Subject: What the hell is going on at your end?

Sent: Sat, 23 Dec 2023 09:16:39

Dr Okita,

What the hell is going on at your end? Has Mrs Aviva picked up the money yet... or has she managed to make a complete pig’s ear of everything yet again?

Why have you not got back to me on this matter? I can only think that you are currently lying drunk in some gutter after over-indulging at your bank’s Christmas party. Good God man, you’re as bad as the Bishop of Southwark. Show some restraint.

Get back to me at once, man. Your lack of communication is proving to be almost as irritating as Mrs Aviva’s obvious lack of brain cells.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rossy Kofi

Subject: Dr Okita has made a mess of everything

Sent: Sun, 24 Dec 2023 10:23:56

Dear Ms Kofi,

I am sorry to report that Dr Okita and his useless assistant Mrs Aviva seem to have made a mess of everything. They’ve failed time and time again to pick up the money that I transferred to them, and now they’ve stopped communicating altogether. I can only think that the bank must have closed for the Christmas holidays now.

I’m sorry that we didn’t manage to get you out of that hotel before the festive season. Never mind my dear; try to put a brave face on things. At least you know that you’ll be able to pay your hotel bill now by selling your body to well-off businessmen. It’s just a pity that you’re not doing it over here in Massage in the Marsh. Oh well, we can’t have everything. I’ll just have to look elsewhere for a new working girl.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

The Massage Parlour Proprietor(part 2 of 2)

The Massage Parlour Proprietor
(part 2 of 2)