The Retired Wing Commander II
(part 2 of 2)
Click here to view the first part of this scambust.
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: I’ve finally heard from the bank
Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 19:57:25
Fung,
Just to keep you up to date, I’ve finally heard from this damn lazy Dutch bank. Apparently I’ve got to call a chappie called Van Baking or something, and he can sort me out.
I’ll give him a bell tomorrow morning. I’ll keep you informed as to what’s going on.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: PLEASE TRY TO TREAT THIS URGENTLY MY PARTNER
Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 14:35:55 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),
I hope all is well with you and your families. I am very happy with your correspondence as I was disturbed over our fund lying in the bank in Holland and no response from the bank. Now I am comfortable that they have finally responded to you. Please give the official a call first thing tomorrow morning as I will like you to make arrangements with the bank immediately to start transferring the fund out of Holland to your account in the UK.
Please get to the bank and make all arrangements as I look forward to a successful transaction with you as I thank you for the effort you are putting in to make sure we are successful in this transaction.
Regards,
Chan
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Leave everything to me, Fung
Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 22:39:45
Fung,
No need to worry. Leave everything to me. I’ll sort things out with the bank in no time.
Now. While I’m busy dealing with the bank, why don’t you spend your time wisely: get busy completing my petition and get it back to me as soon as possible.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: YOU ARE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME MY PARTNER
Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2023 14:54:36 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),
I thank you for your fast response. Look partner, I will do that as soon as possible. I want you to finish the arrangement with the bank as soon as possible as I will send to you your form as I have a problem with my printer but will fix it up as soon as possible or get another one.
Please do this and update me when the bank will start making the transfer.
Regards,
Chan
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment
Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2023 10:06:31
Van Baking,
Guten tag.
I’ve been corresponding with a charming woman at your bank, Pamela Gore, regarding the transfer of funds from an account in your bank to my own bank account.
To give you some background, this money originally belonged to a chappie called Smith Lawrence, but he’s dead now, so I’m claiming it as mine. Next of kin, do you see? The fund, $30 million, was transferred to you from an account in Thailand, and I now want to arrange its transfer to my bank account here in England. Ms Gore has confirmed that the funds are currently with your bank, and advised me to contact you to arrange the transfer.
Now then, I’ve tried calling you on the number Ms Gore gave me, but we’re having a few problems with the damn telephone service round here at the moment. The telephone company is currently in the middle of replacing a load of telegraph poles, and our phone service is at best intermittent. Damn inconvenient, I can tell you.
With this in mind, I think it would be easier if we communicated by email: I get my email via satellite, so it’s not affected. Probably be easier to make ourselves understood by email too, especially as English isn’t your first language and I know as much Swahili as I know Dutch. Let me have your own email address, so I can email you directly, there’s a good man.
So, what I want to know from you is how we go about transferring this fund to my bank account here in England. I’d like it transferred bit by bit, to avoid Johnny Taxman getting interested. I’m sure you understand.
Interesting to be dealing with a Dutchman, by the way. The area of Lincolnshire I live in has had links with your country for centuries. It’s even called “South Holland”. Many similarities between the two places, do you know? Flat landscape, much of it reclaimed from the sea, drained by large dykes, many of which I hear were originally constructed by Dutchmen. Well done. Good show. We even grow tulips around here, just like you do. It’s just like your country, really, only without the hard drugs, the legalised brothels and the sex shops on every corner. Wouldn’t put up with those kinds of goings-on around here. Not when there are kiddies about.
Anyway, get back to me by return and let me know what our next step is. Look forward to doing business with you.
Auf wiedersehen.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
PS. Thought I’d better tell you that your so-called “Customer Service department” isn’t too hot at answering emails. Probably worth looking into. I think someone’s slacking there. Eye off the ball and all that. Worth nipping in the bud before mountains turn into molehills, do you see?
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Another potential investment opportunity
Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2023 12:04:12
Fung,
Contacted this Van Baking fella this morning. Waiting for a response. Hopefully he’s a bit more on the ball than his Customer Service department, who I wouldn’t mind betting are too busy painting their nails and talking about shoes and things to answer urgent emails.
Anyway, I came across a cracking investment opportunity in the FT this morning. Last of the Summer Wine Ltd. They’re a Yorkshire-based firm. Specialise in importing fine wines from around the world into the country. They’ve been through a bit of a foggy patch recently profits-wise, but a management buyout has resulted in the previous MD, Mr Compo, being ousted and replaced by Mr Clegg, who’s supposed to be a much safer pair of hands. I think we’d be batty not to consider investing some money into this company.
Let’s hope Van Baking gets back to me quickly. I’m getting damn irritated at the way these Dutch johnnies are delaying things.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: I have had enough of this damn bank’s inaction
Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2023 17:04:59
Fung,
This damn Dutch bank still hasn’t got back to me. One email in four days, that’s all I’ve managed to get out of them. And this Van Baking chappie hasn’t responded to me at all. Infuriating, that’s what it is. Infuriating.
I despair. I just don’t know what to do to rouse these torpid tinkers. They simply don’t respond to my emails. I’ve seen more action out of my labrador Moseley, and he’s been dead and stuffed in the corner of my study for four bloody years.
Do these people have any idea of the importance of this transaction, Fung? What on earth made you transfer the fund to such a bone-idle bunch of crepuscular kinkajous? Could you not have chosen a bank that wasn’t entirely staffed by such a lallygagging lot of lethargic lemurs?
I have tried my best to keep my temper, but I am near the end of my tether. I am not a patient man, and I am simply not prepared to put up with such a lamentably poor standard of service. We knew how to deal with people like that in the RAF, I can tell you.
I know how important this transaction is to you, Fung, and I was looking forward to working closely with you to invest our new-found wealth in a range of English businesses. As you know, I’ve already put a good deal of work into identifying potential investment opportunities. But thanks to the interminable foot dragging of these Dutch duffers, I have very nearly had enough.
I have to tell you, I received a business proposal from an African chappie called Abacha the other day, which I’m seriously considering following up. This Abacha sounds like a decent cove, and although it looks like I’ll have to put up a considerable amount of money up front, his proposal sounds extremely lucrative – almost as lucrative as yours.
Now obviously, I got into bed with you first, as it were, and I’m loathe to turn my back on you and start working with this Abacha chappie. But unless these slothful simians at the bank get their bloody act together, I don’t see that I have much choice.
If there is anything you can do to rouse these indolent imbeciles into action? You’re obviously au fait with the world of international banking. Surely you can pull a few strings and get things moving? If you can’t, is there any way you can transfer the money back out of the hands of these Dutch dossers to your own bank? Then we could transfer the money to my account some other way.
You’re going to have to come up with something Fung. If I don’t hear anything positive by tomorrow, I’m afraid I’m going to have to drop you like a ten-ton bomb and move forward with this Abacha fella. And I’d hate to do that after all the time I’ve put into this business.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment
Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2023 13:44:00 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This is to inform you that an appointment has been scheduled for you to be present here in our office to sign the release order document. View the attached page for more information regarding this.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
(Click to enlarge)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Hold fire, Fung!
Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2023 19:13:31
Fung,
Hold fire my dear chap, and disregard my last email: I’ve just heard back from this Van Baking fella, and it looks like it’s all systems go!
About time too, if you ask me.
I’ll keep you informed of developments.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: PLEASE MAKE ARRANGEMENTS WITH THE BANK IMMEDIATELY
Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2023 17:22:38 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),
I thank you for your response. Look partner, please you have to make arrangements with the bank to release our fund as I expect you to make all arrangements with the bank to make the transfer to your country. Look partner, our $30,000,000 is with this bank and I told you that I use this bank because I don’t want tax to claim a very big share of our fund and I don’t want our fund to get hooked somewhere.
Please, the fund is a very huge amount of money with the bank in Holland. Please make arrangements with the bank to start making the transfer bit by bit as I expect you to treat this as very urgent because I don’t want the bank to return our fund back to Taiwan which will be very bad for me and my families.
Please, immediately the bank is set to make the transfer, try to update me as I am making arrangements to join you up for the sharing of this fund.
Regards,
Chan
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: MAKE ARRANGEMENTS WITH THE BANK IMMEDIATELY
Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2023 18:43:54 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),
I hope all is well with you my partner. Please make arrangements to make the transfer immediately as I don’t want the fund to remain in the bank in Holland. Immediately you receive contact from the official in charge of our fund, please respond and make arrangements as soon as possible as I want the bank to transfer the fund immediately without any delays as we have a lot to gain when we share this fund.
Regards,
Chan
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: In response to your email
Sent: Fri, 30 Apr 2023 10:42:07
Dear Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
I am in receipt of your email. My heart leaped when I received it. At last, I thought, you’d got your house in order and we were starting to make some progress. Then I read the document you attached to the email, and my heart sank again. I don’t quite know where to begin.
Firstly, you say that you’ve made an appointment for me to visit your offices on “Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004”. May I point out, dear lady, that the 3rd day of May is actually a Monday, not a Wednesday. I knew there was a time difference between England and Holland, but I had no idea that there was a date difference as well. Do you have more days in April than we have over here or something?
Anyway, regardless of whether this appointment has been made for next Monday or next Wednesday, I cannot make either day. I may be retired, but I am a busy man. Monday is a bank holiday over here and I am away for a long weekend with Mrs Murray, and on Wednesday I have an appointment with my tailor to be fitted up for a new pair of plus fours. What on earth were you thinking of, making an appointment without consulting me first to see if I would be available?
If I do indeed need to visit your offices in person, I will be available on Thursday 6th May. Kindly let me know if this is suitable for you as well.
Secondly, the matter of these damn charges. How the devil can you justify charging eighteen thousand, eight hundred and eighteen Euros for the simple transfer of money from one account to another? I thought transferring money between accounts nowadays was a simple matter of pushing a few buttons. It costs nothing when I use my own bank to transfer money between accounts. So how the blazes can this cost EIGHTEEN THOUSAND, EIGHT HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN EUROS? Are you paying someone to transfer the money physically, coin by coin, or something?
These charges are clearly ludicrous and inflated. I demand that you provide me with a detailed breakdown of how these preposterous charges have been dreamed up. Send me this BY RETURN, or you won’t get a damn penny out of me, do you hear?
Now. I must inform you that I will not be available this weekend. As I said, I am going away for a long weekend with the wife. I will possibly be able to check my emails up until early tomorrow morning, but after that I will be out of the loop until Monday evening. So get back to me today.
Today is the 30th April, by the way.
Auf wiedersehen.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
PS. May I suggest you also nip out of the office during your lunch break and buy a damn calendar?
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: I don’t know what this damn fool bank is playing at
Sent: Fri, 30 Apr 2023 11:34:16
Fung,
Bad news, I’m afraid. I don’t know what these gormless goons at the bank are playing at. I got an email from Van Baking’s Secretary, a Ms Gore, late yesterday. Marvellous, I thought. And then I read her email.
This Gore woman told me that she had made an appointment for me on “Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004”. Despite the fact that “Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004” doesn’t bloody exist, what the damn woman was doing making an appointment without consulting me first, I don’t know. I have got back to Ms Gore and told her that if I need to visit Holland, I can do so on Thursday 6th of May, and asked her to confirm if this is suitable.
What sort of bank employs people who don’t even know what bloody day it is? That’ll be a brain numbed by years of hard drug abuse, you mark my words, Fung. I know what these Dutch blighters get up to behind closed doors. And in front of them too, by all accounts.
But worse than this, Ms Gore had the temerity to tell me that I had to pay them 18,818 Euros for the privilege of them transferring the money from one account to another. That’s nearly £13,000, Fung! Or to put it in language you’ll understand, that’s nearly 900,000 Thai bahts!
These absurd charges are obviously inflated. If you ask me, this bloody Dutch bank is trying to con us out of our hard-earned money, Fung. Probably all got industrial-scale drug habits to maintain. Well don’t you worry, Fung. I’m not having it. I’ve got straight back to the bank and demanded that they justify these outrageous charges. I’ll make sure they don’t get a penny of our money until I know exactly what’s what. You can rely on me, Fung.
Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
Now, one more thing. I’m off tomorrow morning for a long weekend with Mrs Murray. We’re visiting Newquay with a couple of chums from the England for the English campaign, Dai Jones and Jock McGovern, and their wives. Good couple of lads. Your sort of people, I’ve no doubt. With this in mind, I won’t be available from tomorrow morning until Monday evening. However, you mark my words, I’ll be back to this business like a greyhound after a rabbit as soon as the long weekend’s over. And I’ll sort out those Dutch johnnies, don’t you worry.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
PS. I expect to get that petition back from you by Monday evening. You’ve had it for over a week now and I need it back now. Chop chop, there’s a good man.
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance; Cc: Chan Fung
Subject: URGENT EMAIL, FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment
Sent: Sat, 01 May 2023 08:25:42
Van Baking,
Guten tag.
I have been corresponding with your Secretary, Ms Gore, trying to arrange the transfer of funds from one of your accounts into my own bank account. Sorry to have to say this, but this Gore woman has shown nothing but rank incompetence in this matter so far. Despite the urgency of this matter, she seems to answer emails as and when it suits her. In other words, practically never. On top of this, she arranged a meeting for me on a day that doesn’t even bloody exist: “Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004”. Can you believe it?
I emailed the damn woman early yesterday, pointing out her mistake and asking her whether Thursday would be suitable. I also asked her to clarify precisely what charges I would have to pay to transfer the fund. I was astounded to see that she did not see fit to send me a reply.
I have mentioned the incompetence of your so-called “Customer Service department” in an earlier email to you. Well I can tell you now that the situation is becoming intolerable. I have never dealt with such a cack-handed “Customer Service department” in my life.
This matter is important, sir. A large amount of money is at stake here, but up to now your bank has treated me like a small boy who wishes to purchase a gobstopper from a sweet shop. This simply will not do, do you hear?
May I suggest, Van Baking, that you take charge of this matter yourself from now on, and push Ms Gore out of the loop? She is clearly as much use as a chocolate cheque book.
I am away for a short break until Monday night, but I expect to hear from you by the time I return. I am extremely keen to get this damn fund transferred as early as possible next week.
Respond to me at once, sir. At once, do you hear? Let’s have some bloody action from you.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: The bank is delaying matters
Sent: Sat, 01 May 2023 08:36:29
Fung,
You’ll have seen the email I sent to this Van Baking character at the bank. Don’t know what they’re playing at. They’re delaying our damn transaction. Simply won’t do. Never come across such rank incompetence in my life, I can tell you, Fung. Have you used these jokers before? They’re acting more like a bunch of kiddies in a sandpit than a professional bank.
Is there no way you can get the fund back out of the hands of these Dutch dimwits, Fung? Could we not transfer the fund out of Thailand some other way? These duffers at the bank simply don’t seem interested in processing this transaction. Can’t understand it.
Get back to me, Fung. We need action, now. Otherwise I will be tempted to move forward with this Abacha chappie I was telling you about. He’s extremely keen, and seems a damn sight more competent than these Amsterdam asses.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: URGENT EMAIL, FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment
Sent: Sat, 01 May 2023 05:53:45 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This is to inform you that we are in receipt of your mail, also note that Friday was a Queen’s day here in the Netherlands so we were having a holiday.
After going through your mail I want to apologise for the tipple graphical error regarding the date. I have informed my Director about the date you said you will be available and that date is OK by us. An appointment will be fixed for you on that date for you to be present here in our office.
Also be informed that the fee required is for the Netherlands governmental tax, customs clearance and handily charges etc. This fee is required because your funds of $30 million were brought via a diplomatic means. This fee must be paid before you can be allowed to sign the final release order document.
If this is not suitable to you, please let us know so that your funds can be returned back to the bank in Taiwan.
We want to also let you know that if you don’t stop sending mails without insulting staff, we will stop attending to you and you funds will be returned back. We have dealt with clients like the Queen of your country, the President of Libya and the Queen of the Netherlands. You are not our first client. You must know that. Because you always send mails like if you send to your kids. Do send us your direct phone number as my Director, Mr Peter Van Baker, wants to speak with you on the phone. We have been trying the one with us but it is not going through.
We assure you of our professional assistance always.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: That’s more like it
Sent: Sat, 01 May 2023 11:52:16
Dear Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
Thank you for your email. Just time to respond before I go away for a long weekend. That’s more like it. Starting to make sense now. Holiday yesterday, was is? Well, that would explain things. Would have helped if you’d told me about it beforehand. Would have prevented my blood pressure from rising, do you see?
Anyway, thank you for explaining the charges to me. Government tax, customs clearance and handily charges, is it? Still seems rather steep to me, but I suppose that’s the government’s fault, not yours.
Glad to hear that Thursday is good for you. Glad to see you know how to use a calendar too. Tipple graphical errors the problem, was it? More care required on the keyboard, don’t you think?
I’ll look into flights to Holland when I get back from my weekend away. Will try to get a flight that gets into Amsterdam min-morning if that suits. Will you be meeting me at the airport, or will it be Van Baking himself? I’ll send you my flight itinerary when I’ve got something booked.
Now then, I need to bring my passport for identification, and the fee. I assume cash will be acceptable? You’ll want it in Euros, I assume. Shouldn’t be a problem. Do I need to bring anything else? Please advise.
Now then. My phone number. You already have it. As I explained in an earlier email, the telephone company are doing some work in the area and as a result, my phone only works intermittently. Not a problem this weekend, as I won’t be here anyway, but they tell us it should be sorted next week.
I will get back to you on Tuesday with my flight details. Have a pleasant weekend, my dear lady.
Auf wiedersehen.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Don’t panic, Fung
Sent: Sat, 01 May 2023 11:58:36
Fung,
No need to panic, Fung. The bank’s got back to me and everything is in hand. Thought I’d better let you know.
I’ll be visiting the bank next Thursday to sort matters out. Should be a doddle.
Looking forward to it, actually. Might make a mini break of it. See the sights of Amsterdam. It’s a while since I’ve been there. Definitely a city best enjoyed without the wife in tow, do you see?
Have a marvellous weekend. I’ll get back to you on Monday night or Tuesday. By which time no doubt you’ll have sent back my petition.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: PLEASE FINISH ALL ARRANGEMENTS WITH THE BANK IMMEDIATELY PARTNER
Sent: Sun, 02 May 2023 19:16:31 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),
I hope you and your families are all in good health. Partner, I have filled in your form and I gave it to my lawyer for advice. I will get it back and send it to you soon as possible. Look partner, the main thing is for you to get our fund from Holland as that is what is disturbing me for now as that fund is a very huge amount of money. I don’t want to joke as I have battled to make sure we get to this final stage.
I am very happy that you will be receiving the fund this week as I was disturbed over the fund lying in the bank in Holland and you not getting a response from the officials, but now I am comfortable and relaxed as you will be receiving the fund this week. Partner, please immediately you arrive in Holland, I will like you to be very polite to the officials in charge as our fund is with them and the fund is a very huge amount of money you know.
Please at this crucial stage, please make sure you keep utmost confidentiality because you will be in possession of a very huge amount of money. As I don’t want anything to happen to our fund, I don’t want you to disclose your trip to anybody, because of betrayers and the safety of our fund.
Partner, make arrangements with the bank immediately and update me when you receive the fund as I will be joining you as soon as possible.
I thank you for your efforts so far which shows that you are a very reliable person and a capable man to deal with as I am sure and not disturbed over the safety of our fund as you have proved that you are a very trustworthy and serious man. Please partner, when you receive the fund, please place it safely and make sure all the investment research will be done well as I will make a good choice when I come.
I await your fast response and will like you to keep utmost confidentiality as I look forward to a successful transaction.
Regards,
Chan
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Everything is in hand
Sent: Mon, 03 May 2023 20:47:28
Fung,
Thank you for your email. Trust you had a good weekend. I certainly did. Fine weekend in Newquay with my England for the English chums. Marvellous time had by all. Few too many Cornish types around for my liking, but what can you do?
Like I said before, no need to worry your Thai head about anything, Fung. Everything is in hand with the bank. And don’t worry about me being polite with the bank officials. As I’m sure you’ll have noticed from our business dealings, I’m as polite as they come. I shall ensure I maintain my usual level of politeness in my dealings with the Dutch chappies.
Now, you say you’ve filled in my petition. Good show. Well done there. But why the blazes have you passed it on to your lawyer? Does he want to sign it too? If so, fair enough, but tell the Thai blighter that I need it back by Wednesday at the latest. Got it?
Will keep you in touch with developments.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: I have booked my flight
Sent: Mon, 03 May 2023 20:59:02
Dear Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
Just to let you know that I have booked my flight to Amsterdam. I will be travelling from Heathrow to Amsterdam on Thursday 6th May on flight BA0430, which arrives in Amsterdam at 10:50am. I think this is local time. Not sure to be honest though. Now, how will I recognise you or whoever else will be picking me up at the airport? Send me a picture of the chappie by return, my dear lady.
You’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve had a capital idea regarding the fee I have to pay. Rather than travel over to Amsterdam with a suitcase full of cash, I’ve decided to withdraw the money from the fund when I reach your bank. Trust this is satisfactory. Far less fuss in my opinion, and far safer. What do you say?
Get back to me tomorrow. Looking forward to meeting you and Van Baking. Am going to be staying in Amsterdam for the night. Combine a bit of business and a bit of pleasure. No need to go into details, seeing as you’re of the female persuasion. Sure you understand.
Auf wiedersehen.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: THANK YOU FOR THE UPDATE
Sent: Mon, 03 May 2023 18:51:34 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),
I thank you for the update as I am very happy with the situation of things. I will be coming to your UK next week as I expect you to receive the fund this week.
Please, immediately you receive the fund, please try to update me as I will send your form to you very soon.
Regards,
Chan
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: I have booked my flight
Sent: Tue, 04 May 2023 01:08:36 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
Do note that the cost of governmental tax, customs clearance and handling charges of this payment must be paid and an official receipt obtained, before you will be allowed to endorse/sign the vital funds release document that will enable this office to transfer your inheritance claims to your nominated bank account.
That is why it very important that you come with the required amount in cash.
Also note that our Protocol Officer will meet with you at the airport and bring you to the venue for the clearance of the funds and also to enable the needful to be put together for a hitch-free delivery of your funds.
Also mail us to confirm the receipt of this mail.
Warmest regards,
Mrs Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: Are you sure about this?
Sent: Tue, 04 May 2023 07:26:21
Dear Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
Are you sure about me having to take all that money along with me in cash on Thursday, when I’ve got $30 million sitting in your bank? Doesn’t make sense to me, dear lady.
Getting my hands on the money is no problem; my RAF pension is generous, and my investments have performed well. But you know what it’s like nowadays. Carrying large amounts of money around unnecessarily is a dangerous business, do you see? Who knows what could happen to me on Thursday on my way to visit you? I could bump into all sorts of nasty criminal types, eager to relieve me of my hard-earned cash. After all, you know what these foreigners are like. No offence. And I’m not getting any younger, you know. Whereas years ago I would have happily beat men off with my bare hands, I’m not as strong in the arm as I used to be, so it’s not that simple.
I’m sure you can see my point of view. With that in mind, I’ll do as I suggested before and withdraw the money from my fund when I get to you unless I hear otherwise.
Auf wiedersehen.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: Are you sure about this? Yes
Sent: Tue, 04 May 2023 04:23:55 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This is to let you know that it is not possible for you to withdraw the required amount. It is the rules and regulations governing this office. You will be required to pay the charge before you can get the full legal right to your inheritance funds.
If you cannot come with the required amount, you can transfer the fee to their agent account before your arrival. That is the only way you can be allowed to sign the release order document.
If it cannot be done this way, I am afraid that you will not be allowed to sign the vital release document, do let this be clear to you.
Please be informed that your funds of $30 million has been insured to the real value and as such cannot be deducted, this is in accordance to the European Union monetary/financial regulations.
Be also informed that article 44, subsection 147 of Europoint Offshore Security & Finance policy does not permit deduction.
Also confirm the receipt of this mail.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: Message understood, dear lady
Sent: Tue, 04 May 2023 12:04:31
Dear Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
Thank you for your email. Dashed shame that I won’t be able to withdraw the fee from the fund you’re holding. Makes things damn inconvenient, if you ask me.
Never mind. Needs must. I shall withdraw the fee from my savings accounts on Wednesday, ready to take to Amsterdam with me on Thursday. Had a couple of ISAs, TOSSAs and PEPs mature recently, so shouldn’t be a problem. Will get myself a good, strong briefcase to hold all the money, and keep it close to my side at all times.
You say your Protocol Officer will be meeting me at the airport. Fair enough. Tell me, what’s the chappie’s name? And it’d help enormously if you could send me a photo of the fella, so I’ll be able to recognise him in the crowd. Does he have any distinguishing features I should look out for? Eyes too close together, unusually short, that sort of thing?
Now then, what’s the plan for Thursday? I’d like to get our business concluded by mid-afternoon if it all possible, giving me ample time to enjoy the delights of your marvellous city. I’m not flying back till the Friday, so can you recommend any decent hotels? Preferably something not too far away from the docks, but with a decent standard of accommodation. I’ll not stay just anywhere, do you see?
Looking forward tremendously to concluding our business on Thursday. If all goes well, there may well be a drink in it for you, my dear lady.
Auf wiedersehen.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Offer of accommodation
Sent: Tue, 04 May 2023 12:05:58
Fung,
Thank you for your email. You say you’re coming over to England next week to get hold of your share of the fund and discuss how best to invest it, eh? Marvellous. Good show. Looking forward to meeting you immensely, my dear chap.
We ought to start thinking about arrangements. Can’t have you flying over all the way from Thailand, only to find that I’m away with the wife on an England for the English rally somewhere or other. That simply wouldn’t do at all. What day are you planning to arrive, Fung?
Now you may have other plans, but I’d like to show my appreciation to you for getting me involved in this whole thing. Thanks to you, I’m going to be a very rich man by the end of the week. Got to show my gratitude in some way. With this in mind, I’d be honoured if you would stay with Mrs Murray and I while you’re over in this country. I’d like to show you the finest of Lincolnshire hospitality, Fung.
Hemlock Cottage itself is only small, but we have a 10 foot caravan at the end of the garden that we could make ready for you in no time. Give it a bit of an airing, shoo out the dog, shake out the bedclothes and it’ll be as good as new. Of course, you’ll be able to join Mrs Murray and I for meals in the cottage. She’s a fine cook, my wife, I can tell you, Fung. She does things with giblets that’ll make your head spin.
What do you say, Fung? Let me know your itinerary and I’ll pick you up from the airport too if you like. I’m sure we’ll get on famously, you and I. You sound like my kind of chap.
Now then. Investments. I picked a cracking little company out of the FT this morning. One to watch, if you ask me. It’s called Yes Minister. They produce clothing for the clergy. Our local vicar at Saint Bodkin’s orders all of his cassocks from them. The FT interviewed Humphrey Appleby, the head of the company, and he reckons they’re on the verge of signing a major new contract with the Church of England to provide clothing for all its vicars. Bit of a wordy chap, Appleby, if you ask me, but he knows what he’s doing. Another one for our portfolio, eh, Fung?
Got to go. Get that petition back to me pronto, do you hear? I need it tomorrow at the latest.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: YOU ARE LIKE A BROTHER AND A FRIEND TO ME NOW
Sent: Tue, 04 May 2023 15:17:38 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),
I thank you for your mail and hope you and your families are all in good health. Please partner, I will like you to finalise all arrangements with the bank as soon as possible as I expect you to receive the fund this week. Please, immediately you receive the fund, try to update me immediately so that I can perfect all arrangements to come to the UK.
Please, you must promise to be very polite when you arrive in Holland and try to be friendly with the officials because our fund is with this bank and it is a very huge amount of money. I don’t want to joke, as I told you I have many commitments to settle with my share and I want to invest part as I told you before, as all my hope lies in that fund.
I will send your petition to you as I want you to finish all arrangements with the bank as soon as possible and update me when you come back from Holland.
I thank you for your offer of accommodation which shows that you are a nice and accommodative man. I am very happy that I am dealing with a reliable and trustworthy man, as that is the best thing that I have come across.
I await your response and update when you receive the fund.
Regards,
Chan
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: Message understood, dear lady
Sent: Wed, 05 May 2023 04:48:32 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This to inform you that the Protocol Officer will meet with you at the airport in the arrivals hall. You can identify him by the card with your name written on it. You will find him in the arrivals hall.
Also note that you must come with the required fee in cash or else they will not attend to you because it is the law here.
Do confirm the receipt of this mail, by replying to this mail.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: Arrangements for tomorrow
Sent: Wed, 05 May 2023 12:11:58
Dear Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
Thank you for your email. I’m writing to you now to confirm our arrangements for tomorrow.
I’ve withdrawn the money I need from the bank, and I’ve bought a sturdy briefcase to carry it in, so that’s all sorted. I’ll be arriving in Amsterdam tomorrow on flight BA0430 at 10:50am. I’ll look out for your man in Arrivals. Shame you haven’t sent me his photo like I asked you to. Makes things slightly more difficult tomorrow, but never mind. We’ll just have to cope.
Have your man stand there holding his placard high over his head with “Wing Commander Gilbert Murray” written on it. Make sure it’s written in large, clear type so I can see it, do you hear? The old eyes aren’t quite what they used to be, more’s the pity. I don’t want to have to run around all the johnnies in Arrivals squinting at their poorly-scrawled cards. For ease of identification, I shall be wearing a dark business suit with highly-polished black shoes, a white shirt and a dark tie. Your man will also be able to pick me out of the crowd by my military bearing. Shoulders back, chest out, that’s the ticket.
I trust your man has a good grasp of English? Is this the same man that you sent to collect the Queen and the President of Libya from the airport when you did business with them? If so, he should be quite suitable.
Kindly confirm that you’ve received this email and that my understanding of arrangements is correct.
I look forward to meeting you and Van Baking tomorrow, my dear lady.
Auf wiedersehen.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: I shall have Mrs Murray prepare the caravan
Sent: Wed, 05 May 2023 12:14:04
Fung,
Glad to hear you’ll be accepting my offer of accommodation when you come over to England next week. I shall get Mrs Murray to prepare the caravan in readiness for your arrival. Bit of bleach and some good old elbow grease and it’ll be a caravan fit for a king, you’ll see. Take it you’ll be alright with the chemical toilet, Fung? I can show you how to empty it when you get here. Plenty of disinfectant and the thing hardly smells at all. Expect you’ll be used to substandard lavatorial arrangements, though. From what I can remember, most of the toilets I came across in Thailand were in a dreadful state.
Nipped into town this morning and withdrew the money I need for the Dutch bank’s fees. Bought myself a good strong lockable briefcase too, so I’m all prepared for tomorrow. I’ve emailed the bank and finalised our arrangements. Apparently they’re sending some Johnny to meet me at the airport. Damn decent of them. Good show.
Now then, you want me to be polite to these Dutch chappies tomorrow. Not a problem. One of the few things I learned during my time at Eton was how to treat my subordinates properly. I’m sure we’ll get on like a house on fire, so long as they show me the right amount of respect. Don’t suffer fools gladly, do you see? Never have done, never will do. Thought these Dutch bankers were a bunch of fools at first, but I’m pleased to say that they’ve upped their game and proved me wrong.
I’ll have to take you along to the golf club when you’re over here next week, Fung. Introduce you to the chaps. Can’t wait to tell them about my stroke of luck. They’ll be fascinated to meet you. There’s good old CJ, Reggie Perrin, Terry and June Medford and Frank Spencer. Marvellous bunch of people. Must arrange to get together for a round or two of golf. I’m sure you’ll make a decent enough caddy, Fung.
Now then, must go. I’ll keep you abreast of the situation tomorrow.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
PS. Where’s that damn petition? All very well calling me a brother and all that, but one thing brothers do for each other is send back each others’ petitions when they’re asked. Get it back to me at once, do you hear?
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: Arrangements for tomorrow
Sent: Wed, 05 May 2023 13:28:42 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This is to confirm to you that we are in receipt of your mail. Also note that you have nothing to worry about, the Protocol Officer can locate you easily, and you don’t have to worry about that.
We look forward to meeting with you tomorrow.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: Where the hell is your man?
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 10:55:52
Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
I am writing this email using some new-fangled multimedia telephone device in Schiphol airport. It took me an age to work out how to use the damn thing, so I hope this gets to you.
Where the hell is your man? My flight landed roughly fifteen minutes late, but I passed straight through Customs without any delays and I expected to find your Protocol Officer waiting for me in Arrivals. But the damn fella was nowhere to be seen. I had a good look round, but I could see nobody holding up a placard with my name on it. What on earth is going on? I can only assume that the fella has been held up for some reason. Perhaps his car has broken down? Or maybe he just couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed in time to meet me. Whatever the reason, this simply won’t do. I can’t abide lateness.
I am about to get myself a taxi and make my way to a suitable hotel in town. I’m sure Johnny Taxi Driver will be able to recommend somewhere suitable. I’ll contact you when I’ve checked in and let you know where I am staying. Once I’ve done this, I suggest you send a man to collect me from the hotel, so that we can still conduct our business today.
I am not accustomed to being messed around like this, my dear lady. Kindly get your house in order so that we may conclude our business this afternoon without any more cock-ups.
This is most shoddy, do you hear? It just won’t do. Reply to this email at once.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: I have booked myself into a hotel
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 12:06:49
Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
After this morning’s debacle at Schiphol airport, I have now booked myself into the NH Schiller hotel on Rembrandtplein. Looks like a decent enough hotel, with a respectable clientele, which is more than you can say for a lot of so-called “hotels” in this damn city, most of which seem to let out rooms by the hour with maid service thrown in, from what I can see.
Send your man to pick me up at once, so that we can still conclude our business today. I feel damn uncomfortable, sitting around here with such a large amount of money in my briefcase, and am keen to get it off my hands and into your safekeeping as soon as possible.
Respond at once and let me know what time I can expect the fella. If you let me know what time he’ll be arriving, I’ll make sure I’m waiting in the hotel lounge ready for him.
All this carry on is doing nothing for my blood pressure, I can tell you.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: This damn Dutch bank is messing me about
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 12:08:36
Fung,
Sorry to say that this damn Dutch bank is messing me about. I turned up at the airport in good time, only to find that they hadn’t sent anybody to meet me!
I don’t know what kind of damn fool game they’re playing, but it’s making my blood boil, do you hear? I’ve put a lot of time and effort into this damn business and now I’m being messed around by a bunch of Dutch dimwits. It won’t do, Fung, it simply won’t do.
I’ve booked myself into the NH Schiller hotel on Rembrandtplein and am now waiting for the bloody bank to send someone to pick me up from there. I’m waiting for an email back from this Gore woman to confirm what time their goon will show up.
This is most distressing. Wouldn’t have put up with goings-on like this in the RAF, I can tell you.
Hopefully this Gore female will get back to me pronto and we can get this business over and done with today. I’ll let you know Fung.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: Where the hell is your man?
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 07:10:10 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This is to let you that the Protocol Officer was there late. Do let us know the hotel you check into so that they can come there to pick you up and bring you directly to the office, so that we can get this concluded today.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: I have booked myself into a hotel
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 07:18:01 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
Please send us the room number and your telephone number so that they can pick you up in time.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: So, he was late, was he?
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 12:20:10
Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
Our emails seem to have crossed in the post, as it were.
Late, was he, eh? Sloppy, damn sloppy, if you ask me. You’ve some ground to make up now in my book.
Cleanliness is next to godliness, I’m sure you know that. Well punctuality is next on the list as far as I’m concerned.
Well, presuming you’ve received my last email, you know the name of the hotel I’ve booked myself into. Trust you don’t need me to draw you a damn map to find the place. I’m just about to avail myself of a spot of lunch at the Brasserie Schiller. Looks rather good. What time can I expect your man? I’ll be waiting in the lobby in one hour’s time.
Make sure he wears a damn watch this time, dear lady.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: So, he was late, was he?
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 08:12:35 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
Do furnish us with the room number and the hotel number so that they can pick you up in time, because we have scheduled again for today to get everything concluded.
Do reply immediately.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: I am waiting, for God’s sake
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 13:51:41
Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
I have now finished my lunch and have just received your email.
For God’s sake, woman, I told you before, I’m not waiting in my room; I am waiting in the hotel lounge for your man.
Send him to pick me up immediately. Immediately, do you hear?
This is ridiculous. I’ve not come across such a display of incompetence since Tufty Bufton ordered his men to bomb their own runway by mistake.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: I am waiting, for God's sake
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 09:54:32 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This to inform you that the Protocol Officer was there to pick you up, but the hotel secretary was not able to find you in any of the rooms. They told the officer that there is nobody like that in any of the rooms, so we urge you as a matter of urgency to send us your mobile number or the hotel number.
If you cannot do that in a few minutes, your appointment will be terminated for today until next week.
The only way to pick you up now is to send us your hotel room number and hotel telephone number, so that we can pick you up as soon as possible.
We wait your immediate response.
Please note that if we cannot get the required information from you, I am afraid that your appointment will be terminated and extended till next week, or two weeks’ time.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Send the hotel number and room number as soon as possible
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 09:58:00 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
Also note that the Director and Order Officer are waiting at the office to attend to you.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: What the blazes are you on about, woman?
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 15:16:02
Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
What the blazes are you on about woman? What do you mean, telling me that the Protocol Officer was there to pick me up, but the hotel secretary couldn’t find me?
Goats and monkeys, woman, how difficult can it possibly be to collect a man from a hotel lounge? What kind of incompetent imbeciles do you employ at your so-called “bank”? Has this so-called “Protocol Officer” turned his brain on today? Eh? Did he even go to the correct hotel? This is beyond belief.
You ask for my telephone number. I do not own a mobile telephone. As for the hotel telephone number, do I have to do everything for you? Pick up a bloody telephone book and look it up yourself, for God’s sake. Are you helpless or something?
When you get through to the hotel, ask the charming young lady on reception to fetch me from the hotel lounge, where I will be sitting reading the Financial Times, trying to calm down after the runaround you have given me today.
I have never dealt with such a bunch of incompetent buffoons in all my life. I have come across more intelligent forms of life when studying my handkerchief after blowing my nose.
I am giving you one last chance, Ms Gore. Get your act together and contact me at the hotel, or you can forget this entire business. I have better things to do with my time than play games with you people.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: What the blazes are you on about, woman?
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 10:44:06 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
This is to let you know that my Director is waiting at the office for you. You can call him from your hotel to know that the Protocol Officer was there. Mr Peter Van Baker’s telephone number is +31-626-322-273.
We await your response.
Best regards,
Pamela Gore
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: Come and collect me from the hotel IMMEDIATELY or wave goodbye to me and my money
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 15:53:38
Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
I have had enough of your pathetic excuses. This is now beyond a joke. I have been sitting in this bloody hotel lounge for hours now, waiting for you to telephone me or for your goon to show up. I thought I saw him a short while ago, when a short, scruffy, sweaty fella dressed in a cheap nylon suit shambled into the lounge, but he turned out to be a passing vagrant, and the hotel staff kicked him out onto the street.
I have had enough of your so-called “bank” and its incompetent bungling. There is only so much a man can take. I have always had a short fuse and I am now coming close to the end of my tether. I’ve taken part in more professional business transactions with the men on the street selling newspapers.
I have to tell you, I have been chatting to a damn interesting fella while I’ve been waiting for your stumblebum to show up, name of Philip Adaba. He tells me he’s the lawyer of the wife of the ex-President of Liberia or somewhere like that. Anyway, he’s looking for help getting some of her husband’s millions out of the country. Sounds like it could be a profitable wheeze, and I’m seriously interested. I’ve got all the money I would need for his proposition right here in my briefcase, thanks to your interminable cock-ups.
Right, I’ll lay it on the line for you. Either you send your so-called “Protocol Officer” back to the hotel immediately to pick me up, so that we can conclude our business today, or I am going to forget this entire business and accept Adaba’s more than generous offer.
It is up to you, Ms Gore. Either send your man back to get me IMMEDIATELY, or you can wave goodbye to me and my money.
Get back to me by return and let me have your answer. I am waiting.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: Re: Come and collect me from the hotel IMMEDIATELY or wave goodbye to me and my money
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 11:30:08 -0400
Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,
You must be a liar.
We have just spoken with the hotel authority. After checking all their rooms, we finally found out that you are a liar. This is the number of the hotel: 020-5540800. The officer who was to pick you up is now there. There is nobody like you, liar.
For that we wish to inform you that your appointment has been terminated.
Truly yours,
Pamela
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance
Subject: You leave me with no alternative
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 16:44:47
Ms Gore,
Guten tag.
I have just received your astonishingly rude email. Your half-witted “Protocol Officer” must have gone to the wrong hotel. And how dare you call me a liar? I’ve never been so insulted in my life. Have you no manners, Ms Gore?
You have now left me with no choice but to move forward with this Adaba chappie’s proposal.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Madam. You have done nothing but waste my time over the past few weeks. I’ve never come across such a bunch of idiots in all my life.
I am now going to place my briefcase in the hotel safe, and make the most of this abortive trip to Amsterdam by enjoying a night out on the town. I am sure I will be able to find a pliant young lady or two to help take my mind off the bumbling stupidity of you and your colleagues that has caused me so much grief today.
May I suggest to you, dear lady, that running a “bank” may be too mentally taxing an occupation for you, Van Baking and the other dullards in your office? I would suggest you find yourselves a profession more suited to your obviously limited mental capacities. Sweeping the streets. Selling matches. That sort of thing.
Auf wiedersehen.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Sorry Fung, but these Dutch duffers have fouled everything up
Sent: Thu, 06 May 2023 16:46:09
Fung,
I have had the most unbelievable day. Those Netherland nincompoops have done nothing but give me the runaround all day. First off all they tell me they’ll pick me up at the airport, and they don’t show. Then they tell me they’ll pick me up at the hotel, and they don’t show. And all the while I’ve been left sitting here like a bloody lemon, waiting for their damn fool of a so-called “Protocol Officer” to show up. And then they send him to the wrong bloody hotel, and blame me for not bloody being there. Unbelievable.
I’ve never been treated so shamefully in my bloody life, Fung. I travel all the way to bloody Amsterdam to meet up with these people and they show all the intelligence and initiative of a damp sponge.
Well, I’m afraid they’ve left me with no choice. I’ve been chatting to a damn decent fella called Adaba while waiting here in my hotel. He’s told me about some marvellous wheeze involving getting a heap of money out of Liberia. Sounds damn profitable. Well, I warned them, Fung. I warned them that if they didn’t show their miserable faces and pick me up today I would have to forget this entire business and move forward with this Adaba chappie’s proposal.
Since the bank has shown no inclination whatsoever to co-operate, that’s precisely what I’m going to do, Fung. Sorry to leave you in the lurch, Fung, but the damn bank has left me with no choice. I’ve had enough of this wild goose chase. I’m going to contact this Adaba first thing tomorrow morning and give him the go-ahead.
For now, I’m going to try and salvage what I can out of this disastrous trip to Amsterdam. I’m off out for a night on the town, with all that entails. Sure you get my drift, Fung. Should help me take my mind off things.
Foreigners, Fung. Never trust ’em. There’s a tip for you.
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: Where’s that damn petition?
Sent: Fri, 07 May 2023 07:01:30
Fung,
Where’s that damn petition? Send it back immediately, do you hear?
Even though the damn bank has messed up our transaction, I thought we were brothers and all that.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
PS. Will you still be requiring the caravan next week? Let me know, old chap. I’ll have to dig the chemical toilet out of the loft if you’re still intending to visit.
From: Chan Fung
To: Gilbert Murray
Subject: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR CORRESPONDENCE
Sent: Fri, 07 May 2023 04:12:12 -0700 (PDT)
Dear Gilbert,
I am talking about $30,000,000.00, and you are telling me about your petition. Look, I am very disappointed in your correspondence and your activities. I told you to finalise arrangements with the bank before you travelled. Why didn’t you finalise all arrangements, and why didn’t you call the bank? I thought you were capable of handling this transaction. Now I don’t understand what is happening.
When you got to your hotel, why didn’t you call the bank to come and pick you up at the hotel?
I don’t understand what is happening, but I think you sound not straightforward which is very bad, and I don’t like dealing with unstraightforward people.
You were supposed to call the bank when you got to Holland and tell them to pick you up. Please, if you cannot do this, please tell the bank to return the fund back to Taiwan as I don’t want anything to slow me down as time is of a great essence to this transaction.
Regards,
Chan
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: What happened yesterday
Sent: Fri, 07 May 2023 17:18:42
Fung,
I have just returned from Amsterdam and I am in receipt of your rather over-familiar email. Don’t forget to address me properly, there’s a good chap. Now then, you seem to be in some confusion over what happened yesterday. Well let me put you straight.
I arrived in Amsterdam as planned, having arranged with the so-called “bank” that their so-called “Protocol Officer” would meet me in Arrivals. The useless idiot never showed up! I contacted the bank and informed them that I was going straight to a hotel, and that they should send their goon to pick me up from there. They got back to me with some damn fool excuse about the Johnny being late or something. Pathetic.
Well, I sat in the hotel lounge, as arranged, and waited for this Dutch dimwit to show up. And he didn’t turn up! I contacted the bank on numerous occasions, telling them to get their act together and send their man to get me, but all I got back from them was bloody smoke and mirrors. I reckon they sent the imbecile to the wrong hotel. He certainly didn’t show up here.
In the end, having sat on my backside all afternoon in the damn hotel, there was nothing for it but to cut my losses. The bank then got in touch, blamed me for their bungling, and bloody well insulted me! Can you believe it? Damn poor show, Fung. Damn poor. I mean, how difficult can it be to pick up a man from a hotel, Fung?
Well, after that, I headed off for a night on the town, and by god Fung, it was a hell of a night. Met a woman who did things with ping-pong balls that’d make your eyes pop out. Actually, that’s precisely what the ping-pong balls did. Haven’t mentioned any of this to the wife, needless to say. This morning, I got up, made my way back to the airport, and headed back to Blighty.
Well, Fung, what do we do now? Where do we go from here? Is there any way we can get that fund out of Thailand without involving this useless bank? As far as I can see, they’ve done nothing but foul things up from start to finish. And they’ve wasted a serious amount of my time in the process.
Incidentally, Fung, I’m as straightforward as they come. If you ask me, it’s this damn bank that’s been messing us around, and I can’t think why the hell they’d want to do that. Something dodgy about them if you ask me, Fung.
Get back to me if you can think of another way for us to do this, Fung. I don’t want to give up on this transaction if I can possibly help it. I’ve invested too much of my damn time in it to pull out now.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
From: Gilbert Murray
To: Chan Fung
Subject: That’s it, Fung. I’ve had enough
Sent: Sun, 09 May 2023 12:06:21
Fung,
That’s it, Fung. I’ve had enough of that so-called “bank” and of your failure to respond to emails. I have no choice but to move forward with the alternative proposal that was put forward by that nice Mr Adaba I met in the hotel lounge in Amsterdam.
I’m sure there was something deeply dodgy about that bank, Fung. Nobody in the banking world can be that incompetent. Wouldn’t be surprised if they turned out to be a bunch of fraudsters, trying to take us both for all they could get.
Take some advice from me, Fung. Choose your business partners more carefully. Could turn out to be deeply embarrassing for you otherwise.
Best regards,
Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)
PS. You never did send back that petition. Damn shoddy of you.
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