I am happy to inform you that I have finally filled the membership form that you gave to me. Note that I did not delete the previous membership form that you gave to me. A VIRUS entered in my system so that is why I asked you to resend it again. I really want to be a member so that I will bring the relationship that I have with you more closely.

How is the little Wonday? Tell him that I will come to United Kingdom very soon and that I will bring very good African gifts for him.

Below is the application form. Please, submit it to the needed office for fast membership.

Have you been able to send any mail to the Governor? Please, send a mail to the Governor’s office and let him to know that you are trying your best to remit the needed fees that is after you to receive your funds.

The application form is below:

CHURCH OF ZEAL OR NO ZEAL

In the Great Prophet Noel we trust

MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM

Please complete this form and return it to a representative of the Church of Zeal or no Zeal.

Name: MR WONDAY KUMBA

Address: PLOT 4, CHUKWUDI CLOSE, VICTORY ISLAND

Occupation: BANKER

Total Annual Income (before tax): $59,000

Total Value of Savings & Other Investments: $40,000

I, the undersigned, apply to become a member of the Church of Zeal or no Zeal. In so doing, I agree to the following points (in a very real, legally-binding and irrevocable way):

I agree to pledge my undying allegiance to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal and to the Great Prophet Noel.

I agree to read from the Book of Noel each and every day so that I may come to know and love the Great Prophet Noel better each day.

I agree to follow the teachings of the Great Prophet Noel each and every day.

I agree to worship none other than the Great Prophet Noel and to disavow all false prophets and gods.

I agree to attend church services twice each Sunday without fail.

I agree to undergo ritual scourging and excoriation to rid me of my sins once a month.

I agree to donate 25% of my earnings (before tax) to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal on a monthly basis and to sign a charity waiver form to ensure that the Church of Zeal or no Zeal can claim back tax on my donations.

I agree to leave my entire estate to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal upon my death and to sign a last will and testament to this effect that shall be drawn up by lawyers acting for the Church of Zeal or no Zeal within one calendar month of my joining date.

Signed: won.da.yyy

Print Name: luke print

Date: 04/07/06

The Great Prophet Noel says: “I bless you, my child, for you have sinned. Come unto me and let me relieve you of all your worldly burdens. Amen.”

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: Your application to join the church

Sent: Wed, 05 Jul 2023 09:23:55

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

Thank you for sending me your application to join the church. Unfortunately, although I am sure that the vicar will share my delight in the fact that you are making efforts to join our church, I’m not actually sure whether he will be able to accept your application, as you haven’t actually filled in and signed the original form. I have a feeling that the vicar may insist on receiving a copy of the original form, filled in by hand and signed by you.

However, I will print out your application and take it to the vicar this morning to see what he says. I’ll do my best to persuade him to accept your application.

I am very sorry to hear that you have had a virus. Have you been to the doctor? I do hope you are feeling better now, my friend. I will pray to the Great Prophet Noel for your good health.

You asked after little Wonday. Unfortunately, yesterday did not go quite as planned. While my assistant was cutting the poor little fellow’s bandages away from his body with a scalpel, he was racked by a sudden sneezing fit – he suffers terribly from hay fever. Well, as he was sneezing, his hand slipped, and unfortunately he managed to cut poor little Wonday in two.

My assistant and I both cried out in horror when we saw what he had done. I felt certain that my assistant must have accidentally killed little Wonday. However, once we had calmed down, we noticed that both ends of little Wonday were still wriggling about on the table. I had forgotten that if you cut an earthworm in half, you get two earthworms! So, praise be to the Great Prophet Noel, we now have not one, but two little Wondays!

Naturally, we bandaged the new wounds on both of the little fellows without delay. I checked on them both this morning and I am happy to report that both of the little chaps are doing well.

Obviously, we needed to come up with a name for the new worm. I have decided to call him Twoday.

Anyway, back to business. I’ll pop round to see the vicar right away and see what he has to say about your application. I’ll get back to you later today.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I don’t know what kinds of African gifts you were thinking of buying for little Wonday (worms can be so difficult to buy for) but perhaps you should now buy two of whatever it is you were going to purchase.

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONTACT THE PAYING BANK TODAY

Sent: Wed, 05 Jul 2023 10:59:43 +0200 (CEST)

How are you doing my dearest beloved brother Gilbert? I am so happy to hear from you that you have Wonday and Twoday. That is interesting. I will bring to them very good African gifts. Don’t worry about the gifts because I know what they will like.

Please submit my application to the Great Prophet Noel so that we will know if he will accept my application or not. Encourage him to accept it because I will not have another time to fill another form.

Have you been able to send any mail to the paying office? Please let them know that you are working seriously to complete your transaction. Make them to know that you will complete your transaction because once they know that you will pay the fees, all hands shall be on the desk on your favour.

Hoping to hear from you soonest,

MR WONDAY KUMBA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: Your membership application

Sent: Wed, 05 Jul 2023 11:17:18

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

I have just come back from seeing the vicar. Unfortunately, it is as I thought: as you haven’t completed and signed the original form, the vicar cannot accept your application to join the church.

According to the vicar, in order for your application to be valid you need to print out a copy of the actual form that I sent you, fill it in and sign it by hand, then scan it in and send it back to me. I will then be able to print it out and pass it on to the vicar.

The vicar also mentioned something that I had completely forgotten about: the membership application fee. He reminded me that your application must be accompanied by a $30 application fee, to cover administration costs.

I asked the vicar whether I could pay the $30 on your behalf, but he said that was against church rules; the application fee has to come from the applicant himself and must be paid directly to the church’s treasurer, without passing through a third-party’s hands.

The vicar explained that the application fee is normally paid by cheque, but as you are currently living abroad, paying by cheque obviously isn’t an option. The vicar wasn’t sure what the best way would be for you to get the fee to the church, so he telephoned the church’s Treasury Department in London to find out for you.

The person he spoke to said that in situations like this, the church is happy to accept payment from abroad via Western Union. Apparently you will need the following information to make the transfer:

Recipient’s name: xxxxxx
Address: 32B Shadwell Street, London, UK
Amount: $30.00

The Treasury Department informed the vicar that once you have transferred the money to Mr xxxxxx, you should send the information that is required for him to collect the money to me, so that I can pass it on to the vicar, who can then pass it on to the Treasury Department.

I am terribly sorry for this inconvenience, my friend, but please make haste and get your valid application to me as soon as you possibly can. The vicar has expressly forbidden me from continuing with this business until he has received your valid application and until we have heard from the church’s Treasury Department that they have received your application fee.

Do you think you will be able to transfer the application fee and get the completed application form back to me today, my friend? Please hurry: I won’t be able to continue with this transaction until the church has received your valid application form and application fee.

Please get back to me as soon as you can. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Your membership application

Sent: Wed, 05 Jul 2023 22:36:24 +0200 (CEST)

How are you doing my dearest beloved brother?

I am not happy with you at the moment because you did not inform me that I will join your church before we started this promising transaction. And is not MUST that I will attend to your church when I come over to England.

Now, accept this or you forget about this promising transaction and I will look for another honest person that will help me to complete this promising transaction. Let’s forget about this application of a thing, I will FILL it in when I come over to your country then you will direct me on how to complete the application without any MISTAKE again.

Please, accept this opinion. Let’s finalise this promising transaction first.

How is little Wonday and Twowonday?

Hoping to hear from you soonest,

Wonday Kumba

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: The only way forward

Sent: Thu, 06 Jul 2023 09:44:02

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

I am sorry that I didn’t mention the fact that it was against the rules of my church to do business with anyone who isn’t also a member of the church when we commenced this transaction. The truth is that I had forgotten that particular church rule until the vicar reminded me of it on Sunday. That goes to show that I don’t know the Book of Noel nearly as well as I should do, and for that I deserve to be punished. I shall excoriate myself later today. That will teach me.

Unfortunately my dear friend, the fact remains that I cannot continue this business with you until you have applied to join the church. To do so would be a sin against the rules of the church and a sin against the Great Prophet Noel Himself. According to the Book of Noel, anyone who commits such a sin will be doomed to spend eternity in the thirty-ninth circle of Hell, being endlessly irritated by the evil demon Cheggers.

But why is this such a problem? You have told me on numerous occasions that you want to join my church anyway, and all you have to do is fill in the form I sent you and send it back to me so that I can pass it on to the vicar, and send the paltry $30 application fee to the church’s treasurer. It will only take you a matter of minutes to fill in the form, so what’s the problem, my friend?

I wish there was another way around this problem, but there isn’t. I cannot go against the teachings of my church, and that’s all there is to it. I would be damning myself for all eternity if I did so.

My friend, I will be able to withdraw that $3,750 from my savings account on Monday and the bank is expecting me to send it on to them as soon as I have done so. But I won’t be able to do that until you have applied properly to join the church.

I would be devastated if this transaction came to nothing now, after all that we have done. It’s up to you, my friend. Please, send me the completed application form and send the $30 to the church’s treasurer today so that we will be able to complete this transaction. It is the only way forward.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You asked about little Wonday and little Twoday. Little Wonday appears to be doing very well, but I am sad to report that little Twoday is looking a little peaky this morning. I suppose that’s not surprising, after all the stress he went through yesterday. I have instructed my assistant to give him round the clock care to ensure that he pulls through.

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: The only way forward

Sent: Thu, 06 Jul 2023 14:16:20 +0200 (CEST)

How are you doing? I have told you to have patience that I will fill the application when I come over to London.

Cool down because I will surely join the church when I come over to your country. Send the fees to the bank as soon as possible.

Mr Wonday Kumba

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: I cannot continue until you have applied to join the church

Sent: Thu, 06 Jul 2023 14:29:58

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

Have you actually been reading my emails properly? Obviously not, because you seem to be completely ignoring what I am telling you.

How many times do I have to tell you this before it sinks in? I cannot continue with this transaction until you have applied to join the church. Not only would that be against the teachings of the Great Prophet Noel, but the vicar has expressly forbidden me from doing so. Of course, he has my best interests at heart, for he knows that if I went against the teachings of the Great Prophet Noel I would be damning myself for all eternity.

Is that what you want to happen to me? Do you want me to be damned for all eternity? Because that’s what would happen if I violated the teachings of the Great Prophet Noel.

I repeat, my friend, that the success of this transaction lies in your hands now. I can only send the $3,750 to the bank on Monday if you have applied to join the church and sent your application fee – a measly $30, which must be peanuts to an affluent banker such as yourself – to the church’s treasurer.

It is up to you, my friend. Unless you apply to join the church, I am powerless to act any further.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: Where is your completed application form?

Sent: Fri, 07 Jul 2023 11:04:22

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

Why haven’t you sent me your completed application form yet? And have you transferred your $30 application fee to the church’s treasurer yet?

I reiterate, my friend, that the vicar has forbidden me from moving any further forward with this transaction until you have applied to join the church, as you said you would.

There are $35 million at stake here, my friend. This is no time for you to be lazing around in your office, idly playing with your paperclips or whatever it is that you bankers do.

This is a time for action, Mr Kumbaya. Professor Mojolabi is expecting to receive that $3,750 from me on Monday. Unless I receive that completed application form from you by Monday morning, I won’t be able to send it to him.

The ball is in your court, my friend. Send me your completed application form immediately so that we can move forward on Monday.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I am glad to report that little Twoday’s condition is improving. He is wriggling around much less stiffly now, and he even managed to eat some soil this morning. Praise be to the Great Prophet Noel for His mercy.

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Where is your completed application form?

Sent: Fri, 07 Jul 2023 12:49:11 +0200 (CEST)

I will not send the application until you inform me that you have received the funds. I will confirm from you that you have received the funds before I will fill the application and send it to you.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: How many times do I have to explain this to you?

Sent: Fri, 07 Jul 2023 12:06:50

Mr Kumbaya,

How many times do I have to explain this to you? Is there something wrong with your cognitive processes?

I will explain it to you again, in words of one syllable wherever possible:

MY RE-LI-GION MEANS THAT I CAN ON-LY DO BUSI-NESS WITH PEO-PLE WHO ARE AL-SO MEM-BERS OF THE CHURCH. IF YOU DON’T JOIN THE CHURCH, I CAN’T DO BUSI-NESS WITH YOU.

There. Is that clear? Unless you apply to join the church (as you have promised to do on numerous occasions) I will not be able to send any money to Professor Mojolabi, which means that we won’t be able to claim the £35 million.

To be perfectly honest with you, I’m getting sick and tired of explaining this to you again and again. Your namesake little Wonday seems to understand things better than you do, and I’m not even sure whether he was lucky enough to end up with the brain when my assistant cut him in two.

What the hell are you playing at, Mr Kumbaya? Your truculence is placing this entire transaction at risk. It was you who contacted me about this transaction in the first place, and yet now you’re acting as if you couldn’t care less about it. Does $35 million mean nothing to you? Well it does to me, and if this transaction falls apart at the seams it will be entirely your fault.

I gain access to the $3,750 from my savings account on Monday, but I can only send it to the bank once you have applied to join the church. Have you got that?

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Regarding my late uncle’s fortune

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 09:10:17

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

If you remember, you are waiting for me to transfer the sum of $3,750 to your colleague Mr Onoh so that you can obtain an international clearance certificate from the African Union Financial Regulatory Office, which you have told me is required before you can transfer my late uncle’s funds into my bank account.

I can withdraw the $3,750 from my savings account as of today. However, before I send the money to Mr Onoh, I have a question for you, and I would appreciate a prompt answer.

You told me a couple of weeks ago that you would be able to transfer my late uncle’s fortune into my bank account within twenty-four hours of you receiving the $3,750 from me. Could you please confirm that this is still the case, and that nothing – and nobody – can possibly stand in the way of this transfer being made?

Please get back to me as soon as you can. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: OUR WORD REMAINS OUR WORD

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 02:05:24 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. As it was tabled to you in our previous mail, so it is till date. Your inheritance of $35 million will be transferred to you after we received the $3,750 that we requested from you. Yes, you will receive your funds within 24 hours of confirming your remittance of $3,750 to this office for the needed paperwork/document that is MISSING in your payment file.

We encourage you to have rest assured that you will receive the $35 million in your bank account after confirming the $3,750 from you today. We urge you to move now to the Western Union and remit the $3,750 for fast release of your funds. You can as well call me with the above office telephone number for further information.

Nobody or bank will hold your funds on the way because your payment file that we have in this office is completed except this international clearance certificate that you are about to secure. Your payment file will be completed after securing this international clearance certificate.

Remember to use the below information for the remittance of $3,750:

NAME OF RECEIVER: LAWRENCE ONUH
RECEIVER’S ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEST QUESTION: HOW ARE YOU?
ANSWER: FINE
AMOUNT YOU WILL PAY: $3,750.00

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I will transfer the money to Mr Onoh today

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 10:33:17

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

Thank you for your prompt response. I will withdraw the $3,750 from my savings account today and transfer it to Mr Onoh.

I will get back to you as soon as the transfer has been made.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THE CORRECT NAME IS LAWRENCE ONUH NOT ONOH

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 02:55:45 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. Note that the name we imparted/gave to you is LAWRENCE ONUH, not ONOH. Do not make any MISTAKE in sending the money so that we will be able to receive your payment of today SMOOTHLY.

I want you to send to this office the following information for fast RELEASE of your $35 million:

Name of the sender
Payment control number (called MTCN)
Test question and answer

I advise you to give me a call after sending the above information to me via email so that I will be able to carry FAST OPERATION in your favour. Congratulations in advance.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: I am going to carry on with this business without you

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 11:02:22

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

It pains me to have to tell you this, but as you have broken your word to me and failed to apply to join my church, I have no option but to carry on with this business without you.

I had thought that I was going to have to give up this business altogether, but I talked things over with the vicar on Sunday and he made me realise that although I can’t go into business with you, there’s nothing to stop me from claiming the $35 million from the bank and keeping it all for myself. So that’s what I am going to do.

I have checked with Professor Mojolabi this morning, and he tells me that the only thing standing between me and that money is the $3,750 that I need to send to his colleague. Once I have sent the money to his colleague, he assures me that there is absolutely nothing – and absolutely nobody – that can prevent the $35 million from being transferred into my bank account.

What this means, Mr Kumbaya, is that I am cutting you out of the deal. I am sorry to have to do this to you – after all, it was you who introduced this business to me in the first place – but your failure to keep your promise to me and join my church has left me with no alternative.

I will be sending the $3,750 to Professor Mojolabi’s colleague today, and he assures me that he will then be able to transfer the $35 million to me within twenty-four hours.

As a result of your broken promises to me, you’re not going to be seeing a penny of this money. However, you can rest assured that I will be spending all of the money on good causes: some of it will go towards the Gypping in the Marsh Earthworm Sanctuary, and the rest of it will go towards the Church of Zeal or no Zeal.

You have only yourself to blame for this, Mr Kumbaya. I will pray to the Great Prophet Noel for you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: A slight problem

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 13:32:05

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

I went into town this morning and withdrew $3,750 from my savings account. I then went to my nearest Western Union agent to transfer the money to Mr Unoh (thank you for putting me right about his name, by the way), but I have come across a slight problem.

According to the Western Union agent, the maximum amount I can transfer from the UK to Nigeria in one single transaction is £500. Apparently Western Union have introduced this limit to crack down on some kind of fraud or something. I didn’t really understand everything the agent was telling me, but from what I understood it sounds as if there is rather a lot of fraud in your country. Maybe you are aware of this yourself.

Anyway, what this means is that I can’t transfer the $3,750 to Mr Unoh via Western Union.

I was wondering whether there was some other way I could get the money to him. I could always pop a cheque in the post... although that would take some time to get to him and to clear. Or how about MoneyGram? I think the post office in the village deals with MoneyGram transfers, and they might not have such a low transfer limit. Or perhaps you can come up with a better idea?

Please let me know your thoughts. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: USE THE THREE (3) NAMES

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 07:33:28 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. I want you to send the fees to this below names:

MR LAWRENCE ONUH
MR IKEM OGBECHI
MRS MARY NWADEI

Use the above names and send the $3,750 via Western Union or MoneyGram. MoneyGram will be OK as well. Act fast so that your funds will be among the funds that we will transfer out to the rightful owner today from this bank.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Who are Mr Ogbechi and Mrs Nwadei?

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 16:28:55

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

Thank you for your email. Although it is too late for me to do anything about the transfer today, I will pop over to the post office tomorrow morning and see what I can do.

Tell me, who are Mr Ogbechi and Mrs Nwadei? This is all getting rather complicated. Surely a simple bank transfer from my account to yours would be simpler for all concerned?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THE NAMES ARE SAFE

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 12:37:27 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. I want you to note that the names that I imparted to you are SAFE names. They all work under the remittance office. They know about your transaction because your payment file is in the remittance office.

We are hereby expecting to receive the $3,750 from you tomorrow. Remember to send the below information to this office:

Name of the sender
Payment control number called MTCN
Test question and answer

You can send the fees in one name of in the three (3) given names. We encourage you to try your best so that we will be able to complete your transaction tomorrow in this office.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU ARE MY BROTHER

Sent: Mon, 10 Jul 2023 23:20:17 +0200 (CEST)

Brother, how are you doing? I am happy to hear from you that you have sent the fees to the Governor today. As you can see that I cannot be able to contact the Governor because I did not have any business with him and with his RANK in this bank, I cannot be able to go to his respectful office. Please, do not keep me aside from this transaction.

I did not want to worry myself because I will come to your country once you inform me that you have confirmed the $35 million in your bank account. I will come to United Kingdom and look for Church of Zeal or no Zeal. I know that I will locate you after locating the church then I will fill the application and you will give me my own share.

Please, do not turn back against me because I take you as my lovely brother and I am promising you that I will fill the form in United Kingdom once I come over.

Please, send $1 million to me after you received the funds of $35 million so that I will use it to arrange myself before coming.

Hoping to hear from you soonest.

Your LOVELY BROTHER,

WONDAY KUMBA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: Oh, so now I’m your brother again, am I?

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 09:28:59

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

Oh, so now that I’ve told you I’m cutting you out of this deal, all of a sudden I’m your brother again, am I?

It’s a bit late for all this brotherly love, Mr Kumbaya. I can see right through your protestations, you know. It’s just the money that you’re interested in, isn’t it? Well you should have thought about that before you broke your promises to me and refused to join my church.

Frankly, after the way you’ve treated me, I can’t believe that you’ve got the audacity to come running back and begging me to send you money.

Well if you want me to send you $1 million, you know what you have to do: you have to apply to join my church. Unless I receive your completed application form and the church’s treasurer receives your application fee, I won’t be sending you a penny.

I’ll be sending that $3,750 to the bank later this morning, and I’m expecting to receive the $35 million from the bank tomorrow at the latest. If you want any part of this transaction, you know what you have to do. I only hope that the Great Prophet Noel takes pity on you and shows you the error of your ways before it is too late.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I have transferred the money to Mr Onuh

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 10:02:18

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

I have just returned from the post office, where I managed to transfer the $3,750 to Mr Onuh via MoneyGram. Thankfully, MoneyGram don’t seem to have an upper limit on the amount you can transfer to Nigeria, so I managed to transfer the money in one single amount.

Here is the information you requested regarding the transfer:

Name of sender: Gilbert Arnold Murray
MoneyGram reference number: 58672173
Test question: How are you?
Answer: Fine

Presuming that Mr Onuh collects the money immediately, could you please confirm how long it will be before the $35 million reaches my bank account?

Actually, it has just occurred to me that I don’t think I’ve sent you details of the bank account into which I’d like you to transfer the money. Here they are:

Bank Account Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray
Bank Account Number: 74053275
Sort Code: 21-38-19
Account Holding Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK

Please get back to me as soon as Mr Onuh has collected the money. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE FAST

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 05:25:22 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that Mr Onuh Lawrence came back from the post office for the fees that you remitted to this office for the needed paperwork that you need to complete your transaction and he said that the 8 digits number that you imparted to him is not CORRECT.

Please, I urge you to impart us the CORRECT 8 digits number for fast commencement of your transaction. Call me on phone after sending the CORRECT 8 digits number.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I’m terribly sorry, I made a mistake

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 13:48:17

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

I am terribly sorry, my dear chap. I’ve taken another look at the MoneyGram receipt and I’ve made a mistake.

The postmistress has very bad handwriting you see, and I mistook one of the numbers on the form for another. Now that I have examined the form more closely, I can confirm that the correct MoneyGram reference number is actually 58692173, not 58672173 as I told you earlier.

I am very sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Please pass on my sincere apologies to Mr Onoh.

Anyway, now that you have the correct number, I presume that Mr Onoh will be able to collect the money immediately. Please get back to me as soon as he has done so.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CALL ME ON PHONE TODAY

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 08:43:00 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that Mr Onuh Lawrence came back to this bank and said to us that you did not send the fees. He said that MoneyGram officers contacted the MoneyGram in London and they said that they did not CONFIRM any money there.

I urge you to urgently send the $3,750 to Mr Ikem Ogbechi because Mr Onuh said that he will not be able to give attention to you again. Mr Onuh is ANGRY with you that you have made him SUFFER today.

Please, send the $3,750 to Mr Ikem Ogbechi and make sure that you impart us the CORRECT 8 digits number for fast conclusive of your transaction.

Note that I will not give attention to your transaction if you did not call me on the phone. Make sure you call me on the phone so that I will know that you are not KIDDING.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I don’t understand what the problem is

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 17:10:08

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

I’ve just read your last email and I don’t mind telling you that I’m very confused. Why is Mr Onoh having trouble getting his hands on my money? I just don’t understand what the problem is.

Granted, I accidentally gave you the wrong number earlier today, but I’ve corrected that mistake so I can’t see what the problem could be now. Are you sure that Mr Onoh knows what he’s doing?

And how dare you accuse me of “kidding” and not sending the fees? What on earth would be the point of that? There are $35 million at stake here, Professor Mojolabi, so let me assure you that “kidding” is the last thing on my mind.

I’ve attached a copy of the MoneyGram receipt to this email so that you can see the transfer details for yourself. As you can see, the details of the transfer are quite clear: there’s no doubt whatsoever that the money is in the MoneyGram system.

I have to say, Professor Mojolabi, I don’t much like the idea of my money floating around in the MoneyGram system for too long. Anything could happen to it. The sooner Mr Onoh picks it up and delivers it into your safekeeping, the better as far as I’m concerned.

Here’s a thought. If you’re 100% sure that these problems aren’t down to Mr Onoh’s rank incompetence, perhaps it’s your local MoneyGram agent who’s at fault here. I suggest that Mr Onoh prints off a copy of the receipt I’ve just sent you and takes it along to a different MoneyGram agent. Maybe they’ll know what they’re doing. It’s got to be worth a try.

Get back to me as soon as Mr Onoh has done that. If he still has no joy, I’ll pop back to the post office tomorrow morning and see if there’s a problem at this end.

I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WANT YOU TO CALL ME ON PHONE

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 10:01:17 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. Lawrence Onuh PRINTED the document that you sent to this office and he said that another MoneyGram office said that they did not send the $3,750 out from London.

Please, go to the MoneyGram where you remitted the $3,750 and ask them to check the PROBLEM over there. Contact me once you are back from the MoneyGram office. Please call me for more details.

We will transfer your funds of $35 million in the bank account that you gave to us in this office. Have rest assured that you will receive your funds immediately after Mr Onuh confirms the $3,750. Act fast and receive your funds.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: VISIT THE MONEYGRAM OFFICE AGAIN

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 11:40:55 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that I am sorry for addressing you like that in my previous mail that it seemed that you are kidding. Admit my apology so that we will complete your transaction in good faith.

Mr Onuh went again and again and still the same problem. It seems that they did not transfer the $3,750 out from your country. Please, I urge you to go to the MoneyGram office first thing tomorrow and correct the PROBLEM so that we can be able to complete your transaction and transfer your funds of $35 million through telegraphic transfer (TT).

Why you do not want to call me on phone? I have been trying your telephone number but without success. Go to the MoneyGram and know what the problem is first thing tomorrow. Note that your SUCCESS is in your hand.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM YOUR BROTHER

Sent: Tue, 11 Jul 2023 21:01:57 +0200 (CEST)

BROTHER, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THE ENTIRE MISTAKE THAT I HAVE DONE AT THE PAST FOR THE FORM. LET’S PRAY HARD THAT THE PAST WILL NOT BRING PROBLEMS FOR US.

I DON’T LIKE REPEATING SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY THAT I KNOW THAT IS ELIGIBLE IN ENGLISH. I HAVE SAID THIS TIME WITHOUT NUMBER THAT I WILL FILL THE APPLICATION FORM IN UNITED KINGDOM. I WILL FILL THE FORM IN YOUR PRESENCE BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE ANY MISTAKE AGAIN. YOU WILL DIRECT ME ON HOW TO FILL IT FACE TO FACE IN UNITED KINGDOM.

I AM STRONGLY PREPARING TO MEET YOU SOONEST. FORGIVE ME. I WILL FILL THE APPLICATION IN YOUR PRESENCE THERE IN UNITED KINGDOM.

DO YOU TRANSFER THE FEES AS YOU MENTIONED IN YOUR LATEST MAIL? PLEASE, UPDATE ME SO THAT I WILL START THANKING YOU GREATLY FOR YOUR HELP UPON ME AND THIS PROMISING TRANSACTION. HOPING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.

YOUR LOVELY BROTHER,

MR WONDAY KUMBA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I will go back to the post office this morning

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 08:49:55

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

Thank you for your email. I accept your apology. I would thank you not to address me in such an insolent way again.

I am sorry to hear that Mr Onoh has still not managed to collect the money I transferred to him. I will go back to the post office this morning and see if there is a problem at this end.

I will get back to you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 10:05:42

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

Good news, Professor Mojolabi. I’ve been back to the post office and I’ve managed to find out what the problem is.

I explained to the postmistress that your local MoneyGram agents hadn’t been able to locate my transfer. The postmistress explained to me that MoneyGram are currently in the middle of upgrading their computer hardware in the UK. This has apparently resulted in what she called “internet connectivity” problems, and apparently mine is not the only transfer to have gone missing over the past ten days or so. What this means is that the transfer is definitely in the system – the postmistress showed it to me on her own computer – but it is not showing up on your local MoneyGram agents’ computers because of these “internet connectivity” problems.

However, the postmistress explained that there’s a simple solution to this. She told me exactly what your local MoneyGram agent needs to do in order to locate my transfer on their computer and gain access to the money. Apparently all they need to do is to initiate procedure MG-RV8 on their computer system, entering the reference number of the transfer that I gave to you. This will apparently give your local MoneyGram agent access to all transfers that have got “stuck” in the system, and will mean that Mr Onoh will be able to collect the money there and then.

The postmistress was rather surprised that the MoneyGram agents Mr Onoh visited hadn’t initiated procedure MG-RV8 already: apparently it is standard procedure for MoneyGram agents when things like this happen. She even showed me the procedure in her MoneyGram Procedures Handbook. She said to me that if your local agents haven’t heard of procedure MG-RV8, they probably don’t know their job very well and that they could probably benefit from some more training.

Perhaps Mr Onoh ought to suggest this to the MoneyGram agent when he goes back to collect the money. After all, their ignorance of their own procedures has wasted not only your time and Mr Onoh’s time, but – more importantly – mine as well.

Anyway, regardless of the problems Mr Onoh had yesterday, I’m glad we’ve got it all sorted out now so that he’ll be able to collect the money. Please get back to me as soon as he has been back to the MoneyGram agent to let me know that the money is safely in your possession. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: It’s too late for apologies now

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 10:09:29

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

It’s too late for apologies now. If only you had joined the church when you said you would, I wouldn’t have had to cut you out of this deal. But as things stand you haven’t joined the church, so you won’t be seeing any of this money.

Things are moving on apace now, and I’m expecting the $35 million to be transferred into my bank account later this week, just as soon as Professor Mojolabi’s henchman has collected the money I transferred to him yesterday.

If you really wanted to join my church, you would have done so by now. You may as well stop contacting me, Mr Kumbaya, because you’re not going to see a penny of this money.

I shall tell little Wonday and little Twoday to forget about you, Mr Kumbaya. In fact, come to think about it I shall have to tell little Threeday, little Fourday, little Fiveday, little Sixday and little Sevenday to forget about you too (my assistant had a bit too much to drink the other day and decided to try out a touch more subdivision on Twoday).

You had your chance, Mr Kumbaya, and you blew it. Never forget that.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I am sorry to have to break this news to you, but according to the Book of Noel, the punishment for those who say they are going to join the church and then do not is to spend eternity in the eighty-second circle of Hell, being endlessly terrorised by the evil demon Mr Blobby. Not a prospect to relish, I think you’ll agree.

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: TRANSFER THE FEES THROUGH WESTERN UNION TODAY

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 06:11:15 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that Mr Onuh went to the MoneyGram office again and still the same problem. Nigerian MoneyGram officers are not perfect in handling computers.

I want you to go back to the post office/MoneyGram and collect your $3,750 back and pay it through Western Union money transfer. Western Union is the only SAFER way to collect money. $3,750 is £2,050. I urge you to send the £2,050 to the below three (3) names:

Mr Lawrence Onuh
Mr Ikem Ogbechi
Mrs Mary Nwadei

Use the above names for the Western Union so that we will complete your transaction and transfer your funds of $35 million. We could have transferred your funds by now but MoneyGram has DELAYED in your transaction. We transferred many funds yesterday and we are completing some transactions today.

Go and collect the $3,750 back from the MoneyGram office and send it fast to the above names through Western Union money transfer so that your payment file will be among the payment files that we will complete today. Act fast and receive your funds of $35 million without wasting time.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: What on earth are you and Mr Onoh playing at?

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 14:39:39

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

I have just read your last email. What is going on over there? What on earth are you and Mr Onoh playing at? How difficult can it possibly be to collect a MoneyGram transfer?

What exactly happened when Mr Onoh went back to the MoneyGram agent? Did he tell them to initiate procedure MG-RV8 as I instructed? He can’t have done, otherwise my money would be safe in your hands by now.

Are you sure this Mr Onoh knows what he’s doing? His ineptitude is delaying this entire transaction. Is he always this useless?

Anyway, putting Mr Onoh’s incompetence to one side for the moment, it’s half-day closing in the village every Wednesday so I won’t be able to go back to the post office to recover my $3,750 until tomorrow.

I have to say, I’m still not keen on the idea of transferring the money via Western Union; as there’s a £500 limit on transfers to Nigeria, I’d have to transfer the money in five individual lots, and that would be expensive. I think I’ll pop into my bank tomorrow when I’ve got by money back from the post office to see if they can suggest a better way of getting the money to you.

I have to tell you, Professor Mojolabi, all these delays are becoming extremely tiresome. It doesn’t reflect well on your bank at all. If I were you I’d get rid of Mr Onoh at the first opportunity and employ someone of real ability in his place.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT RESPONSE

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 07:16:50 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you we received your mail in this office. Mr Onuh said that the MoneyGram SPACE for the 8 digits is only 8 SPACES and that they did not put in extra SPACE in the computer. If they add the MG-RV8, the SPACE there will be containing 3 numbers only.

I gave you order to use Western Union for the fees or you will need to FORGET about this transaction because I have many clients to give attention. Pay at least £500 in one name that I provided to you in my previous mail. Send it and get back to us immediately.

Note that I want you to transfer the fees through Western Union only. I did not want to hear any complaint from you again about sending the fees. Pay it through Western Union. I know that Western Union will charge for the transfer fees. Take the fees out from the $3,750 or £2,050 and send the remaining balance. Do you understand?

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I will transfer the money tomorrow

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 16:16:04

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

I have just read your last email. To be frank with you, I didn’t like the tone you adopted. In fact, I found it rude.

I don’t know if you’re always this insolent in your dealings with your customers, Professor Mojolabi, but if you take my advice you’ll start showing them a bit more respect. If you don’t you might find that your customers start deserting you in droves and transferring their business to rival banks... rival banks who employ people with better manners than you.

Anyway, back to business. I don’t know what bilge Mr Onoh has been telling you about what happened in the MoneyGram office, but the man is plainly talking rubbish. The MoneyGram agent wasn’t supposed to literally enter the characters “MG-RV8” into their computer; they were supposed to initiate procedure MG-RV8. That – as my local MoneyGram agent showed me earlier today – is an internal MoneyGram procedure that’s listed in the MoneyGram Procedures Handbook.

I explained all of this to you in an earlier email, and I’m presuming that you passed on the information to Mr Onoh. How could he get it so wrong? The man is obviously an idiot. Take my advice and get rid of him as soon as you can.

Anyway, I will transfer the money to you as soon as I have collected it back from the post office tomorrow morning and I’ll get back to you with details of the transfer. Until then, kindly try to remember that the customer – who is always right – deserves to be treated with a modicum of respect.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WESTERN UNION IS THE ONLY WAY

Sent: Wed, 12 Jul 2023 08:48:42 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you we received your mail in this office. Simply send the fees to the three (3) given names that I imparted to you through Western Union tomorrow morning as you promised so that we will complete your payment file and transfer your funds tomorrow.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: UPDATE

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 10:13:34 +0200 (CEST)

How are you doing my dearest beloved brother Gilbert? Have you been able to confirm the $35 million in your bank account?

Please get back to me because I am highly worried about this promising transaction. Please, always update me.

Your LOVELY BROTHER,

WONDAY KUMBA

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: This transaction has nothing to do with you now

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 10:03:27

Dear Mr Kumbaya,

Why are you still emailing me? What part of “you may as well stop contacting me, Mr Kumbaya, because you’re not going to see a penny of this money” do you not understand?

As I have told you a number of times now, this transaction no longer has anything to do with you. I have cut you out of the deal as a result of your failure to join my church. I cannot do business with a non-believer. Your actions have damned you to spend eternity in Hell, Mr Kumbaya, and there is no way I am going to be joining you.

Things are progressing well (despite the best efforts of Professor Mobolaji’s cretinous assistant to foul things up) and there is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that the financial security of the Gypping in the Marsh Earthworm Sanctuary will soon be assured.

I have already told you to stop contacting me. Now go away, you grubby little man. I refuse to waste my time talking to heathens.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I have transferred the money to Mr Onoh again

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 10:04:22

Dear Professor Mojolabi,

I have just come back from the village, where I cancelled the MoneyGram transfer I made the other day and retrieved my money. I told the postmistress all about the problems Mr Onoh experienced when he tried to collect the money, and she was completely mystified. She told me that in her opinion, either Mr Onoh or your local MoneyGram agent – or possibly both – must be a couple of legs short of a chair.

Anyway, I went straight from the post office to the bank, where I had a chat with my bank manager, Nat West. I explained that I wanted to transfer a fairly sizeable amount of money to someone in Nigeria and asked if he could recommend the easiest and cheapest way to do it.

As it happens, I was in luck. Quite by chance the bank manager’s son did a few months’ vacation work with the Red Cross in West Africa last summer – including a spell in Nigeria – so he knows all about sending money to Nigeria.

He recommended that I send the money via the Transglobal Worldwide Automated Transfer System. Apparently it’s very similar in operation to Western Union and MoneyGram, but it’s cheaper than either system and it’s supported by all of the major banks in West Africa... in fact your own bank probably supports it, Professor Mojolabi. On top of this – and importantly for us – unlike Western Union, there’s no upper limit to the amount that can be transferred. My bank manager told me that he used it all the time last year to send money to his son and he never experienced any problems with the system at all.

Naturally, I acted on my bank manager’s advice and transferred the money to Mr Onoh immediately. I’ve attached a scanned copy of the receipt I was given to this email.

All Mr Onoh has to do to collect the money is to go to a participating bank and tell the cashier that he is expecting a cash transfer that has been made via the Transglobal Worldwide Automated Transfer System. The cashier will then give him a brief form to fill in. The details Mr Onoh needs to complete the form are all on the scanned copy of the receipt that I have attached to this email. Once Mr Onoh has completed the form and shown some form of ID such as a passport, ID card or driving licence, the cashier will hand over the money there and then.

Please send Mr Onoh to pick up the money immediately and get back to me as soon as he has done so. Here’s hoping he has his wits about him today: I am sick and tired of all these delays at your end.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU MUST TAKE MY INSTRUCTION

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 03:17:10 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. Mr Onuh is not going to any bank for the money that you transferred.

Go to Western Union and pay the £2,050 or you FORGET about your transaction. I urge you to send the £2,050 to the below three (3) names through Western Union:

Mr Lawrence Onuh
Mr Ikem Ogbechi
Mrs Mary Nwadei

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I have transferred the money. Send Mr Onoh to collect it at once

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 11:33:38

Professor Mojolabi,

I have just read your last email... which, incidentally, was extremely rude and insolent. I am baffled, Professor Mojolabi. What is wrong with you, for Noel’s sake?

Thanks to your oafish assistant’s incompetence I have already wasted far too much of my time on this transaction, traipsing backwards and forwards to and from the post office and the bank. I have bent over backwards in my efforts to get this money to you. It would be appreciated if you would make a similar effort rather than just sitting back in your wicker chair and playing pocket billiards, or whatever it is you’re actually doing over there.

I transferred the money to Mr Onoh earlier this morning. Why on earth is he refusing to go and pick it up? My bank manager assured me that the Transglobal Worldwide Automated Transfer System was accepted by all of the major Nigerian banks, so what is your problem? You are supposed to be a banker yourself, for Noel’s sake – or had you forgotten that? Your own bank probably deals with these transfers, so all you have to do is to send Mr Onoh downstairs to see one of the cashiers in your own banking hall. How difficult can that possibly be?

I am getting sick and tired of all this nonsense, Professor Mojolabi. I have transferred the money to Mr Onoh. Send the man to pick it up at once, and let’s have no more of your pathetic whining.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Has Mr Onoh collected the money yet?

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 14:55:24

Professor Mojolabi,

What is going on at your end? Has Mr Onoh collected the money I transferred to him yet?

To be perfectly honest with you, I’m beginning to wonder whether you and Mr Onoh are up to something. You seem to be taking every available opportunity to delay transferring that $35 million into my bank account.

Why are you doing this, Professor Mojolabi? Is it that you want to keep the $35 million in your own bank for as long as possible? I imagine that $35 million must be earning quite a hefty amount of interest each day it remains in your bank. Is that the reason for these interminable delays? Are you trying to hold onto the money for as long as possible so that you can cream off the interest for yourselves? Is that it?

My patience is fast running out, Professor Mojolabi. That $35 million is mine, and I want it transferred into my bank account before the week is out. I have had enough of your timewasting tactics.

Get back to me at once with an update on the current situation. I am waiting.

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GO AND PAY IT THROUGH WESTERN UNION

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 08:45:04 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that I received your mail in this office. Please, do not contact us again until you pay the fees through Western Union money transfer.

The Governor

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: UPDATE

Sent: Thu, 13 Jul 2023 23:50:32 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we are hereby expecting you to remit the fees today so that we will be able to complete your transaction successfully today.

I urge you to send the £2,050 to the below three (3) names through Western Union:

Mr Lawrence Onuh
Mr Ikem Ogbechi
Mrs Mary Nwadei

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Re: UPDATE

Sent: Fri, 14 Jul 2023 08:54:17

Professor Mojolabi,

You are, without a shadow of a doubt, the most obstructive and irritating person I have ever come across. You are also the strangest banker I’ve ever encountered.

WHY are you delaying this transfer? I have already transferred the money to Mr Onoh. It’s there waiting for him to collect it. Why he has not done so is a complete mystery to me... especially seeing as the two of you are supposed to work in a bank. It just doesn’t make sense.

To be frank, I don’t see why I should waste any more of my precious time cancelling the transfer I made the other day and making a new transfer, merely to satisfy your whim.

I repeat, the money is there and waiting for Mr Onoh. All he has to do is go to a bank and collect it. Given the fact that the two of you are supposed to work in a bank, this doesn’t seem like the most onerous task in the world.

Get back to me when Mr Onoh has collected the money. And stop being so damn obstructive.

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THIS MAIL MAY BE MY LAST MAIL TO YOU

Sent: Fri, 14 Jul 2023 07:46:43 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. I have been working in this bank for many years ago and I do not know any thing like Worldglobal Transfer. If I do not know about it, no other bank in Nigeria will know about it.

Please, go and pay the fees through Western Union so that we will complete your transaction. Do not send any more email to this office if you do not comply to send the fees through Western Union. This mail may be my last mail.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Don’t assume that everyone else is as ill-informed as you

Sent: Sat, 15 Jul 2023 09:23:47

Professor Mojolabi,

Just because you have never heard of the Transglobal Worldwide Automated Transfer System does not mean to say that nobody else in Nigeria will have heard of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a lot of things that you don’t know that are common knowledge for just about everyone else. Don’t assume that just because you don’t know something, everyone else is as ill-informed as you.

I’ve already told you that my own bank manager used this system to transfer money to his son in Nigeria the other year, and my bank manager’s son had no difficulty in collecting his father’s transfers. He obviously had more wits about him than Mr Onoh.

Anyway, thanks to your obstinacy, it seems as if Western Union is the only way to move this transaction forward. Well you will have to wait until Monday now. I will transfer £500 to Mr Onoh first thing on Monday morning. Let’s see if he can manage to collect that without fouling things up.

Gilbert Murray

From: Professor Allen Mobolaji

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: MESSAGE RECEIVED

Sent: Sat, 15 Jul 2023 02:29:27 -0700 (PDT)

This is to officially inform you that we received your mail in this office. We are hereby waiting for you to send the £500 on Monday to Mr Onuh Lawrence so that we will know if he will have problem to collect it or not. I want you to PROVE to me on Monday.

Yours faithfully,

PROFESSOR ALLEN MOBOLAJI, GOVERNOR, Guaranty Trust Bank

From: Wonday Kumba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: UPDATE ME

Sent: Sun, 16 Jul 2023 00:22:03 +0200 (CEST)

How are you doing my dearest beloved brother? Have you been able to confirm the $35 million? Please update me so that I will know the day that I will come over to United Kingdom.

I am hoping to hear from you. Remember to confess your SINS at the church tomorrow. I will as well confess my SINS at the church.

Your LOVELY BROTHER,

Mr Wonday Kumba

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wonday Kumba

Subject: Oh. You again

Sent: Mon, 17 Jul 2023 08:55:39

Mr Kumbaya,

In my last email I asked you what part of “you may as well stop contacting me, Mr Kumbaya, because you’re not going to see a penny of this money” you did not understand. I now find myself having to ask you what part of “go away, you grubby little man” you do not understand.

How many times do I have to tell you, this transaction has nothing to do with you now. It is purely between Professor Mojolabi, his feeble-minded assistant Mr Onoh, and myself.

You are a heathen, Mr Kumbaya, and therefore damned in the eyes of the Great Prophet Noel. Therefore I want nothing more to do with you and you will not be seeing a penny of this money. Given the way you lied to me over joining my church, I wouldn’t even piss on you if you were on fire.

My emails to you have been perfectly clear, so why do you not understand me? What is wrong with you? Were you perhaps dropped on the head as a child?

For one last time, Mr Kumbaya, GO AWAY AND STOP BOTHERING ME YOU NAUSEATING LITTLE WASTE OF SPACE.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Western Union transfer made

Sent: Mon, 17 Jul 2023 10:10:16

Professor Mojolabi,

I have just come back from the village, where I cancelled the transfer I made last week to Mr Onoh and made a new transfer, of £500, via Western Union. There. Are you happy now?

To make things as simple as possible for the otiose Mr Onoh, I have scanned in the Western Union receipt and attached it to this email. Kindly print it out and give it to the man before you send him off to your nearest Western Union agent to collect the money to ensure that there are no cock-ups this time.

He will also need to know the answer to a test question. Here it is:

Test question: No more what?
Answer: Cock-ups

If Mr Onoh engages his brain and manages to collect the money without a repeat of last week’s fiasco, I will transfer the rest of the money to him, in separate transfers of £500 each, later today. Hopefully you will then finally be able to transfer that $35 million to me.

Send Mr Onoh to the Western Union office immediately, and please tell him to get it right this time. Get back to me as soon as he returns. I will be waiting.

Gilbert Murray

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: Has Mr Onoh collected the money yet?

Sent: Mon, 17 Jul 2023 15:21:12

Professor Mojolabi,

Well, what’s going on over there? Has that ineffectual imecile Mr Onoh managed to drag himself out of his office chair and down to the Western Union agent yet to collect my money? Has he shuffled back to the bank with the money yet, or are you still waiting for him to return?

If he’s not back from the Western Union office yet, it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that he’s picked up the money and has made his way straight to the nearest bucket shop to drown however many brain cells he has remaining in cheap whisky. Given his woeful performance in this business so far, I don’t expect anything better from the man. Take a tip from me, Professor Mojolabi: check the man’s breath as soon as he gets back. Ten to one he’ll stagger in reeking of booze.

I’ve had just about enough of these interminable delays. Get back to me as soon as Mr Onoh shambles back into the bank with my money in his hands so that I can transfer the rest of the money over to you.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Professor Allen Mobolaji

Subject: I have had enough of your incompetence

Sent: Tue, 18 Jul 2023 16:26:08

Professor Mojolabi,

I have had enough of your incompetence. You and your half-witted henchman Mr Onoh have done nothing but delay and block this transaction right from the start. I have bent over backwards here, trying to get the money to you – first by MoneyGram, then by TWATS and then by Western Union – yet you and Mr Onoh have failed to collect the money time after time.

You and Mr Onoh must have wasted an incredible amount of time shuffling backwards and forwards to and from the various banks and money transfer agents clutching the receipts I sent you, like a pair of children on their way to a sweetshop. Too bad your time was wasted for nothing.

To be perfectly honest, I find it hard to believe that you and Mr Onoh actually work in a bank. Given the mental acuity the two of you have displayed in this business, I don’t think I’d trust either of you to sweep dung off the streets.

Happily I have been contacted by a jolly nice fellow called Abacha, who has put forward a very promising-sounding proposal. Mr Abacha appears to be the quintessence of charm and efficiency – in stark contrast to you and your grisly gang.

I am pleased to say that therefore I have no need for your services from now on, so you can go back to doing whatever it is you spend your time doing over there... playing at target practice with your spittoon or getting legless on some vile home-brewed spirit that’s been distilled from goat dung.

I would like to be able to say that it’s been a pleasure doing business with you. But it hasn’t, so I can’t.

You and Mr Onoh give Nigerian bankers a bad name. In fact you give all Nigerians a bad name. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Gilbert Murray

The Worm Sanctuary Owner(part 2 of 2)

The Worm Sanctuary Owner
(part 2 of 2)