scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Aristocrat II


In which Lord Murray, 18th Earl of Gypping, responds to yet another lucrative business proposal from yet another crooked African banker. The past three years have not been kind to the fabric of Hemlock Hall, so the money will come in very handy indeed.

Cast of characters

  • Lord Murray – 18th Earl of Gypping.
  • Beaker – Lord Murray’s new butler.
  • Abu Alidu Kaf Bello – allegedly a crooked bank official from Burkina Faso.
  • Alhaji James Sawam – allegedly another official at the bank.
  • Akpara Mohamed – allegedly the bank’s accredited attorney.


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET

Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:03:16 +0100 (CET)

FROM THE DESK OF MR ALIDU KAF
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU
BURKINA FASO

DEAR FRIEND,

FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. THIS IS BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE AS BEING UTTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET. HOWEVER AFTER SERIES OF PETITION WAS RECEIVED BY THIS PRESENT REGIME FROM FOREIGN CONTRACTORS AND INABILITY OF THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) TO FULFIL THEIR OBLIGATION FOR THE PAYMENT TO ITS FOREIGN CREDITORS, IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE COUNCIL OF MINISTERS, THEY MANDATED US TO CARRY OUT A CAREFUL AND COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW OF ALL OVERDUE PAYMENTS TO FOREIGN CONTRACTORS AND TO EFFECT PAYMENTS IMMEDIATELY.

DURING THE ABOVE MENTIONED PROCESS, WE DISCOVERED AN ABANDONED SUM OF $20 MILLION (TWENTY MILLION US DOLLARS) IN AN ACCOUNT THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR FOREIGN CUSTOMER WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY IN A PLANE CRASH.

PLEASE I WANT YOU TO VISIT THE WEBSITE BELOW FOR MORE INFORMATION:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

SINCE WE GOT INFORMATION ABOUT HIS DEATH, WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING HIS NEXT OF KIN TO COME OVER AND CLAIM HIS MONEY BECAUSE WE CANNOT RELEASE IT UNLESS SOMEBODY APPLIES FOR IT AS NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDELINES AND LAWS BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE LEARNED THAT ALL HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION DIED ALONGSIDE WITH HIM AT THE PLANE CRASH LEAVING NOBODY BEHIND FOR THE CLAIM.

IT IS THEREFORE UPON THIS DISCOVERY THAT I AND OTHER OFFICIALS IN MY DEPARTMENT NOW DECIDED TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO YOU AND RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED FOR SAFETY AND SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT SINCE NOBODY IS COMING FOR IT AND WE DON’T WANT THIS MONEY TO GO INTO THE BANK TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED BILL.

I AGREE THAT 40% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS A FOREIGN PARTNER, IN RESPECT TO THE PROVISION OF A FOREIGN ACCOUNT, AND 50% WOULD BE FOR ME, WHILE 10% WILL BE FOR EXPENSES INCURRED DURING THE TRANSACTION.

THEREAFTER, I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT ACCORDING TO THE PERCENTAGE INDICATED.

THEREFORE, TO ENABLE THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOU AS ARRANGED, YOU MUST APPLY FIRST TO THE BANK AS RELATION OR NEXT OF KIN OF THE DECEASED INDICATING YOUR BANK NAME, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR EASY AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION AND LOCATION WHEREIN THE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED.

UPON THE RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL SEND TO YOU BY EMAIL THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION TO FILL AND SEND TO THE BANK. I WILL NOT FAIL TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS HITCH-FREE RISK AND THIS TRANSACTION WILL ONLY TAKE US 14 BANKING DAYS BECAUSE AS A BANKER, I KNOW WHAT TO DO AND MOVE THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANY DELAY AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY ATOM OF FEAR AS ALL REQUIRED ARRANGEMENT HAVE BEEN MADE FOR THE TRANSFER.

YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER SO THAT I WILL SEND YOU THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION TO APPLY TO THE BANK AND THE DATA INFORMATION OF THE DECEASED CUSTOMER.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

MR ALIDU KAF

BILL & EXCHANGE MANAGER

BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

NOTE DO NOT FAIL TO REPLY ME WITH MY ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS: abu_1bello@yahoo.ca


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: Re: CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET

Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 10:20:59

Kaf,

What is this fresh nonsense? Where did you obtain my personal email address? And why are you using the email account of some fellow called Bello?

Is this some kind of business proposal? If it is, it makes no sense to me whatsoever. Explain yourself man, and at once.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Waiting...

Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 05:43:54 -0500 (EST)

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your quick response to my confidential proposal and also your willingness to assist me to claim and transfer the fund in our favour, via into your private bank account.

First and foremost, I want to introduce myself proper to you. I am Mr ABU ALIDU KAF BELLO and I work with the BANK OF AFRICA here in Burkina Faso. I have three kids, one girl and two boys and I’m married to Mrs Fati ALIDU.

Subsequently, I contacted you to assist me to transfer the fund over to your country by presenting you to the bank where the fund is deposited as the next of kin, so that the bank will transfer the fund to you as the beneficiary/next of kin and thereafter, the fund will be share between me and you in the ratio earlier stated.

Why I request for your support and assistance in this deal is because the owner of the account is a foreigner, for that reason a Burkinabe national cannot stand as the next of kin to the inheritance of this fund.

In furtherance to authenticate the genuineness of our claim before the bank, I am going to send to you the text of the application and the bank contact which you will fill and send to the bank but before I will do that, I want you to email me back with the above stated informations below:

  1. Your age?
  2. Your profession?
  3. Your bank account number where the fund will be transfer into?
  4. Your statement of account to know if you are interesting and if you are capable to handle this transaction?
  5. Your photo as to know whom I’m entrusting this fund into his/her hands.

Once I receive your mail, I will send to you immediately the bank contact and the text of the application which you will use to apply to the bank as the beneficiary and also give you further informations that will be necessary for this transaction in due course. I promised you that immediately you apply, the bank will release this fund into your bank account.

Moreover, this transaction is 100% risk free and remember I told you that this transaction is secret and confidential because not everybody in the bank is aware of it.

Please, visit the website below for more verification:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

Dear, I have secured the account information of late DR ANDREAS SCHRANNER who dead in Kenya plane crash, as such you don’t have to entertain any atom of fear because I will work as your insider in the bank here to monitor the whole thing on your behalf, but in case the bank respond to your application, you must have to inform me for my further advice.

Honestly, this transaction is considered as part of my prospective achievement in life. I have worked for years without concrete evidence of my achievement in the banking industry and I plead you to keep this transaction utmost confidentiality until the fund is transferred.

Lastly, I shall require your sincerity, support and full co-operation towards this transaction. I want you to know that after the bank have transferred this fund into your bank account then I will come over with my family to your country for investment after disbursement of the fund accordingly.

My regards to your family and remember I told that I will offer you as the account owner 40% out of the total amount $20 million dollars and I will also invest in your country with my own percentage which you will be the financial advisor.

Nice to meet you.

MR ABU ALIDU KAF BELLO


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: Are you serious about this?

Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 12:04:38

Bello,

Are you serious about this? On the face of it, your proposition sounds extremely attractive... but surely what you are proposing could not possibly work? You are asking me to stand in as this dead German fellow’s next of kin, but I’m not German; my family is English through and through. Surely there is no way that the bank would believe me if I claimed to be related to this dead fellow.

And what made you contact me with this proposal? Where did you get my personal email address? I only give this address out to close personal acquaintances. How did you get hold of it?

And another thing. Isn’t what you are proposing illegal? You are asking me to claim to be this dead man’s next of kin in order to claim his money. That cannot be legal... and I am quite sure that if the authorities got wind of what we were doing, we could both get into serious trouble with the law. I have my reputation to consider, Bello, and there is no way I could get myself involved in anything remotely dodgy.

Mind you, having said that, the money would come in extremely handy: the bad weather this autumn has not been kind to the fabric of Hemlock Hall and the roof desperately needs replacing... but surely this just wouldn’t work?

I am interested in your proposal, Bello. But before I am willing to move forward, I will need some firm reassurance from you that there would be absolutely no chance of either of us getting into trouble with the authorities if we were to move ahead. If you can reassure me on this point, I may be willing to proceed.

By the way, I had a look at that website you pointed me towards. Terrible business, that Concorde crash. I remember it as if it were only yesterday. But what’s this “Kenya plane crash” you’re on about? The website said that this Schranner fellow died on Concorde. Was it perhaps the rest of his family who died in the Kenyan plane crash? I’m confused.

Get back to me as soon as you can with the reassurance I am requesting. I will then consider your proposal in more detail and come to a decision.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. Kindly remember who you are addressing and note that the correct salutation when addressing me is “Lord Murray”, not “Gilbert”. I am sure that you did not mean to cause offence by addressing me in such an inappropriately familiar manner, but please make sure that such a lapse in protocol does not happen again.


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Fill this application and send it to the bank

Sent: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 14:41:20 -0500 (EST)

Dear Pertiner (sic),

How are you and your entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health. Thanks for your mail and your comprehensive manner over this transaction business.

Honestly, this transaction is 100% risk free and I have secured the account informations of the deceased, as such you should not entertain any atom of fear becuase I will work as your insider here in the bank but I hope you will not sit with my own share after the bank have transfer this fund into your bank account.

Moreover, I am a banker in the bank and I know the procedures involved in making this kind of claim, that is why I have contacted you to come and apply for it and if you send the application to the bank it will not come to my table for that simple reason, immediately the bank respond to your application you should let me know for my further advice.

Once again, that you are not a German does not mean anything. If the bank ask about that, it is your responsibility to claim that you travelled out due to job opportunity that you are a German. I have taken all this into consideration before I contacted you to come and apply as the beneficiary to this inheritance of this fund.

Finally, go ahead and apply to the bank so that this fund can be release to us. I am stopping so far while waiting to hear that you have finally applied to the bank.

Have a nice day,

Mr Alidu Kaf

NOTE: PLEASE SEE THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION AND I WANT YOU TO SEND IT THROUGH THE BANK EMAIL ADDRESS (boa_remittanceannex@excite.com) IMMEDIATELY FOR THE TRANSFERRING OF THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.


THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION FORM

ATTN: ALHAJI JAMES SAWAM
DIRECTOR, FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU
BURKINA FASO
WEST AFRICA
Email: boa_remittanceannex@excite.com
Website: www.bankofafrica.net

Sir,

APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND SUBSEQUENT TRANSFER OF MY INHERITANCE FUNDS OF $20 MILLION FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER 18463464711.

I am the brother and next of kin to late Dr ANDREAS SHCRANNER (sic), your deceased customer who held the above account number with your bank, and who died in plane crash.

I discovered the said account details in my late brother’s bedroom in GAMMANY (sic), and as his next of kin I humbly appeal to your esteemed office to release and transfer these funds to my bank account.

Below is my account profile stated:

  1. My phone number
  2. Receiving country
  3. Profession
  4. Age
  5. Your email address
  6. Bank account number
  7. Bank name
  8. Shift code

I shall appreciate your prompt attention to this application as I solemnly promise to abide by all your transactional protocols and requirements.

Yours sincerely,

Sign


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: You have convinced me... but I have a few queries

Sent: Sat, 30 Dec 2006 16:13:57

Bello,

I am pleased to be able to say that you have convinced me to accept your business proposal and move forward with this transaction. I have to say, you seem extremely confident that nothing can possibly go wrong with this business, and I admire a man with confidence. Well done, sir. You may now consider me a business partner.

If I may just say, I demand a great deal from those with whom I choose to go into business. I expect you to be as honest, trustworthy and reliable towards me as I will be towards you... in fact I will accept nothing less from you. Do not let me down, Bello.

Now then, before I send off that application to the bank, I have a few small queries that you will need to deal with:

  1. You have not clarified what you were talking about the other day when you mentioned a “Kenya plane crash”. I was under the impression that this Schranner fellow died on Concorde in Paris, not in Kenya. If the bank chooses to quiz me on the circumstances surrounding this fellow’s untimely demise I will need to know precisely how to answer their questions, so there must be no room for ambiguity or uncertainty. Therefore kindly clear up this matter at once: what does the “Kenya plane crash” have to do with this matter?
  2. In the text of the application letter that you sent to me, you spelled this dead German fellow’s name as “Shcranner”, not “Schranner”. Again, I will need to be precise and accurate in all of my dealings with the bank in order to be convincing. Therefore, kindly advise me as to the correct spelling of this dead fellow’s name.
  3. In the text of the application letter, you state that I came across details of this dead German fellow’s bank account in a place called “Gammany”. I am a well-travelled chap, but I have never heard of a place called “Gammany” before. In case the bank quizzes me on this point, kindly clarify precisely where this “Gammany” place is so that I can locate it on a map.
  4. Finally, in the text of the application letter, you have asked me to provide the bank with something called a “shift code”. I have no idea what this is. Presumably it is some banking terminology with which I am not familiar. Kindly furnish me with further details in order that I will be able to locate this information and send it on to the bank.

I must go: I am about to interview a fellow who has applied for the post of Butler at Hemlock Hall. Unfortunately I had to give my previous butler, Winton, his cards a few weeks ago, after I caught him engaging in some extremely inappropriate behaviour with one of the stable lads. The excuse that Winton proffered at the time – that the stable lad had been bitten in the upper thigh by an adder and that he was merely attempting to suck the poison out – was obviously complete balderdash, so I had to let the two of them go immediately.

I must say, it has been terribly awkward having to manage without a butler for the past couple of weeks. I have missed having a butler at hand on many occasions, but the mornings are the worst: it’s just not the done thing for a fellow of quality to have to dress himself. I’m sure you’d agree.

Anyway, I have high hopes for this fellow that I’m about to interview. The chappie’s called Beaker, and apparently he used to work as the verger in the local church. To be perfectly honest with you Bello, I’m so sick of not having a butler around that if this Beaker fellow is even half-suitable, I will probably give him the job.

Right, get back to me as soon as you can with answers to my queries so that I can contact the bank. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. We still haven’t quite got the hang of how to address an Earl, have we? May I remind you that the correct form of address is “Lord Murray”, not “Gilbert” or “Pertiner” (whatever that may mean). Kindly take note, Bello. I do not expect to have to remind you of this again.


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Send it and inform me

Sent: Sat, 30 Dec 2006 15:25:17 -0500 (EST)

Thanks for your mail. How are you and your entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health.

My good friend, in every rumour there’s an element of truth and I want you to visit the bank website for your verification: www.bankofafrica.net.

Answer to your questions are as follows:

  1. “I believed that there is always someone to ask for help or advice”, my good friend, I strongly believed that you are capable to hand this transaction to my expectation. I visited the website again and I found out that this Andreas Schranner died on Concorde in Paris.
  2. Please, I am very sorry for the wrong name, it is a mistake. The real spelling of the deceased is “ANDREAS SCHRANNER”.
  3. Andreas Schranner is a German and came from Western German city of Moenchangladbach. Lord, I am a banker and I know the procedures involved in making this kind of claim and if the bank ask you any quizzes or respond to your application send it to me first so that I will go through my file and give the answers to the question before you will reply the bank. Honestly, I have secured the account informations of the deceased for reason, you don’t have to entertain any atom of fear because every informations of the deceased is already here in my file.
  4. Your bank account shift code and you don’t know your shift code you can forget about it because the bank will give you another shift code if the bank transfer it to your bank account.

Finally, please fill the application form and send it to the bank for immediate transfer of this fund into your bank account. I am here with you and if the bank respond to your application send it to me first so that I will tell you the best of what to do before you reply them to avoid mistake because I have worked for years without concrete evidence of my achievement in banking industry.

Thanks,

BELLO


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I will contact the bank forthwith

Sent: Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:24:18

Bello,

Thank you for your email, which I read as soon as I returned from the early morning service at the local parish church, Saint Bodkin’s. Despite the fact that you failed to clear up the matter of where the Kenyan plane crash comes into this business – and where on earth “Gammany” is – I shall contact the bank forthwith. I just hope that they do not question me on these matters. If they do, I shall get in touch with you at once for clarification before responding to them.

Tell me Bello, what are your plans for the new year? Will you be celebrating at all? Lady Murray and I are hosting a New Year’s Eve ball tonight, as we do each year. I am expecting one of my old chums from Eton, Sir Leonard Lion (or “Lenny the lion” as I affectionately call him) to arrive this afternoon with his butler, Terry Hall. As well as attending the ball, he will be staying with us for a few days. We are planning to go out for a swan shoot tomorrow morning on the estate. A morning spent shooting in the crisp early morning air should blow the cobwebs away. It should blow some swans away too with any luck.

I am pleased to be able to tell you that I offered that Beaker fellow the butler’s job yesterday and that he accepted. He’s a bit of an odd chap – and to be perfectly honest I’m not at all sure that his standards of personal hygiene are quite up to scratch – but he seemed keen and I am sure I will be able to whip him into shape. Although when I mentioned “whipping him into shape”, he visibly flinched, and told me that he had had quite enough of that in his last job, thank you very much.

Anyway, Beaker is currently moving his few belongings into the servants’ quarters in the attic and is due to start work this afternoon. With it being Sunday I will not be able to take him to the gentlemens’ outfitters in the village to get him measured up for his butler’s uniform until later in the week. For now, I have instructed him to wear Winton’s old uniform. Winton was considerably shorter than this Beaker fellow, but it will have to do for now. Beaker’s first job will be to prepare the guest apartments in the east wing for Sir Leonard and his butler.

Do have a pleasant new year, Bello. It is such a shame that you cannot come along to the New Year’s Eve ball here at Hemlock Hall: I am sure that Beaker would appreciate having someone on hand to help him serve the drinks. Oh well, you were talking about moving over to this country. Perhaps you will be able to attend next year.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS

Sent: Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:31:55

ATTN: ALHAJI JAMES SAWAM
DIRECTOR, FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU
BURKINA FASO
WEST AFRICA
Email: boa_remittanceannex@excite.com
Website: www.bankofafrica.net

Sawam,

APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND SUBSEQUENT TRANSFER OF MY INHERITANCE FUNDS OF $20 MILLION FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER 18463464711.

I am the brother and next of kin to late Dr ANDREAS SCHRANNER, your deceased customer who held the above account number with your bank, and who died in plane crash.

I discovered the said account details in my late brother’s bedroom in GAMMANY (wherever that may be), and as his next of kin I humbly appeal to your esteemed office to release and transfer these funds to my bank account.

Below is my account profile stated:

  1. My phone number
  2. Receiving country
  3. Profession
  4. Age
  5. Your email address
  6. Bank account number
  7. Bank name
  8. Shift code

I shall appreciate your prompt attention to this application as I solemnly promise to abide by all your transactional protocols and requirements.

Yours sincerely,

Sign


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Update...

Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:17:03 -0500 (EST)

Thanks for your mail. I wish you happy new year in advance.

Lord, I want to use opportunity to let you know that I consider this transaction as part of my achievement in life and you should follow my direction so that the bank will transfer this money to us without suspicion. I pray that almighty Allah will do everything possible.

Let me hear from you as soon as you apply.

Nice to meet you,

BELLO


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I contacted the bank on Sunday

Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 11:03:08

Bello,

Happy new year to you, my dear chap. May 2007 bring you the luck that you deserve. I truly hope that this year will see you getting what you have coming to you.

I contacted that Sawam fellow at the bank on Sunday, but have not heard back from him yet. I expect the bank will have been closed over the new year period; with any luck Sawam will get back to me today.

Did you have a pleasant time celebrating the new year, Bello? I am pleased to say that the Hemlock Hall New Year’s Eve ball went splendidly... for the most part. Unfortunately there was a bit of an upset when the local vicar arrived and saw that Beaker was working as my butler. The vicar flew into a frightful rage when he saw Beaker, and was on the verge of scourging him with his ceremonial knout. Luckily Sir Leonard Lion was on hand to pull the vicar off Beaker and hold the fellow down until he had calmed down a bit.

I spoke to the vicar once he had regained his composure. According to the vicar, it appears that Beaker had left his previous employment under something of a cloud. According to the vicar there was some unresolved business between them over approximately $2,000 worth of church funds that had gone missing when Beaker left his job.

The vicar was all in favour of turning Beaker in to the police over this matter. However, once I had explained to him that it just wouldn’t do for a gentleman in my position to get involved in a police investigation, the vicar agreed to let me sort out this matter myself. Consequently, whatever the rights and wrongs of this matter, I have agreed to dock the $2,000 out of Beaker’s wages in order to pay back the money into the church funds.

Naturally, I remonstrated with Beaker over this matter after the ball was over. I told him that I was very disappointed in him, and warned him that if I got one more whiff of a scandal involving him, I would sack him on the spot. I also insisted that Beaker must start attending church again twice every Sunday as is demanded by the Book of Noel. The vicar will be able to purge Beaker of his sins through the regular scourging and excoriation that is administered once a month.

I must be off: I am taking Beaker to the gentlemens’ outfitters this morning to get him measured up for a new uniform. I had not realised quite what a difference in height there was between Beaker and Winton, and unfortunately Beaker looked quite ridiculous at the ball, with his trousers at half-mast. I am also planning to take him to the local pharmacist to see if we can do something about the man’s breath. It could knock down a horse at fifty paces.

I will get back to you as soon as I hear from that Sawam fellow at the bank.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Update

Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 15:15:10 -0500 (EST)

How are you my good partner? I hope you are fine?

Today the director called the official members for an urgent meeting but I am not at the meeting because I was very busy in the office, at the same time, before we close I asked Mr Mohammed a bank official who attend the meeting why or what is the aim of the meeting and he told me that matters concerning your application was brought to focus and the director said that he will go for verification before he will respond to your mail.

My friend, if the bank respond to your application please let me know for my further advice and I want you to promise that you will not sit with my own share after you have gotten this money in your account.

Secondly, the main important thing in this transaction is to follow the bank instruction for the immediate release of this money into your account and I want you to look for a reliable business which I will invest in my own share. Remember I told you that I will coming over to your country with my entire family for sharing and investment.

Please, I don’t want the bank to know my involvement because that will hamper everything.

Thanks,

Bello


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I still haven’t heard from the bank

Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 22:10:47

Bello,

I still haven’t heard from that Sawam fellow at the bank. You work with the man. Tell me, is he always this slow at responding to his customers? I’m not at all impressed with your bank’s customer service, I can tell you that for nothing Bello.

On the subject of the bank, who are these “Mohammed” and “Allah” chaps you’ve been talking about? Do they work for the bank as well? If so, which chap should I expect to hear from: Sawam, Mohammed or Allah? Kindly clarify by return so that I know which email to look out for.

Returning to other pressing matters, I am pleased to report that I managed to get Beaker fitted up for a butler’s uniform in the village earlier today. The tailor expressed surprise at Beaker’s somewhat unusual shape, but he is a fine craftsman so I am sure that he will be able to turn out a fine-fitting suit. Even for Beaker.

I am also pleased to report that following a trip to the local pharmacy, I have managed to procure some industrial-strength breath freshener for Beaker. I have instructed him to take it at least once an hour and I am praying that it has some effect: the interior of the Bentley was absolutely humming by the time Beaker had driven us into the village this morning and I was feeling quite faint, despite my having opened both rear windows.

I must go. Beaker has just run me a bath, and having spent time in an enclosed space such as the Bentley with Beaker, I feel the need to cleanse myself fully before retiring.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Don’t worry my good partner

Sent: Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:48:22 -0500 (EST)

Hi,

I am fine and you?

My good friend Mohammed is the bank official in our bank.

Again you should not contact anybody, I know the bank will get back to you as soon as possible and if you receive any mail remember to inform me because as have apply the bank respond to you, secondly there is what we the bank security in our bank (monitoring term).

They may send you an email to know if you are the real next of kin to this inheritance so please my good friend don’t worry about this transaction because I am here with you.

THANKS,

BELLO


From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS

Sent: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 04:34:39 -0500 (EST)

ATTENTION CUSTOMER,

WE THE AFOREMENTIONED BANK OF AFRICA ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR APPLICATION OF CLAIM OVER THE FUND OF YOUR LATE BROTHER DR ANDREAS SCHRANNER WHICH THE ACCOUNT NUMBER IN YOUR APPLICATION WAS FOUND THE SAME IN THE DECEASED FILE.

THEREFORE, YOU ARE ADVICE TO GO THROUGH THE ATTACHED FILE THIS FINANCIAL HOUSE FOR YOUR ONWARD TRANSFER AND ACT ACCORDING TO THE RULES AND REGULATIONS GOVERNING.

SEQUEL TO YOUR APPLICATION FORM, YOU’RE PRONE TO FORWARD YOUR ACCOUNT PROFILE SUCH AS:

  • BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER WHERE YOUR INHERITED FUND WILL BE TRANSFER INTO:
  • BANK NAME:
  • RECEIVING COUNTRY:

FAILURE TO ACT AS DIRECTED WILL ENHANCE THIS HONOURABLE FINANCIAL HOUSE TO DECLARE YOUR APPLICATION INVALID AND TRANSFER YOUR INHERITED FUND INTO THE BANK TREASURY.

FINALLY, WE ARE VERY SORRY FOR THE DEATH OF YOUR LATE BROTHER.

DR JAMES SAWAM

DIRECTOR

BANK OF AFRICA

OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO

A letter from the bank
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I have just heard from that Sawam fellow

Sent: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 12:08:41

Bello,

As you can see from the email that I am forwarding to you, I have just heard from that Sawam fellow at the bank. I haven’t heard a peep out of Mohammed or Allah yet, but perhaps they will be contacting me later today.

You asked me to let you know as soon as the bank got in touch. So, now that they have done, what is our next step?

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Contact your lawyer immediately

Sent: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 11:49:46 -0500 (EST)

Hallow,

Glory be to almighty God that the bank have approved our fund, approved your application and also approved you as the beneficiary.

As I told you before the most important thing in this transaction business is to follow the bank instructions and with reference to the bank mail you are given only 5 days to complete everything to enable the bank transfer our money to you so hurry up and contact your lawyer. I know him very well and I know that he will do everything on your behalf. He work in our bank appointed by the government.

My good friend, I hope you will not betray me as soon as the bank transfer this money to you and remember that the bank asked you to forward your account information so that if your lawyer bring the documents to the bank then he will sign and the director will transfer the money to your account. Please follow the bank instruction and in the bank mail, they said if you do as they directed our money will re-transfer to the bank account so please my good friend do not disappoint me because I don’t want anything will make transaction business turn down and that is why I contacted you to assist me to handle this transaction transaction.

Finally go ahead and contact the lawyer, explain everything to him that you want him to represent your interest in the bank and also help to go to the court issue some documents and submit it to the bank and sign for you.

Let him know that the money belongs to your late brother and that the bank has agreed to transfer the money to your account.

Thanks,

Bello


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I didn’t realise you knew my lawyer

Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 08:53:37

Bello,

Thank you for your email. I must say, I didn’t realise you knew my lawyer... but you say that you know him very well. It’s a small world.

To tell you the truth, I had been wondering what made you contact me on this matter in the first place and how you got hold of my personal email address. Well now I know that you know my lawyer, Welsby, it makes perfect sense. No doubt it was Welsby who suggested that you contact me about this matter. He’s a wily old fox, and I am sure that he would have known that a bit of business like this would be of interest to me. What a sly old dog the man is. And he never breathed a word of it to me!

Well, as you probably know, I cannot get in touch with Welsby about this until next week; he is on holiday at the moment and he is not due back until Monday. However, I will pop into his office first thing on Monday morning as you suggest and instruct him to swing into action on our behalf. I will pass on your regards when I see him.

I am looking forward to today. Beaker is driving me over to Frottagesham to see my old friend Lady Anne Detrampe at Fockett Hall. After a spot of morning tea we shall be saddling up and riding out with the Frottagesham hunt.

The hunting is marvellous over at Frottagesham: far better than it is here in Gypping in the Marsh. I did try establishing a hunt here some years ago, but the horses found it very hard going in the boggy ground, and after losing two of my finest fillies in the marsh I was forced to give it up as a bad job.

I only hope that we do not have too much of a problem with those damn hunt saboteurs. Anyway, I have a secret weapon at my disposal now: if those miserable little unwashed oiks give us any trouble I shall set Beaker onto them. I have instructed him not to take any breath mints today. If it comes down to it I am sure that the stench of Beaker bearing down on them with his mouth wide open will have the joyless, dirty layabouts scattering in all directions.

Tell me Bello, are you much of a horseman? Do you ride out with a hunt over there in Burkina Faso?

I must go: Beaker has just informed me that the Bentley is warmed up and ready to go. Have a good day Bello. I will get back to you once I have discussed this matter with Welsby next week as you suggested.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Follow my instruction and advice please and please

Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 06:48:24 -0500 (EST)

HO,

Why are you doing like this my good friend? The bank gave you the bank accredited lawyer contact who will represent you here in Burkina Faso to go to the various office and issue the documents and also sign for you before you will now confirm the money in your account.

Gilbert, remember I told you that this transaction is confidential and top secret, please don’t let anybody know of this transaction business.

If you don’t know, the bank gave you 5 days the lawyer to go issue the documents and bring it to the bank and below is the lawyer contact which the bank gave you in the approval letter:

  • Name: Akpara Mohamed
  • Email contact: akpara_chambers1@yahoo.fr

Please, forget about your lawyer and contact this email so that barrister Akpara will help us to go to the various offices.

Do this immediately and inform me.

Don’t disappoint me. The bank did not tell you to contact your lawyer, they are talking of the bank lawyer here in Burkina Faso and the documents must be issue here in Burkina Faso.

Bello


From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM BOA

Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 07:47:53 -0500 (EST)

ATTN: CUSTOMER,

SEQUEL TO OUR REQUEST, THE MANAGEMENT OF THIS HONOURABLE BANK HAVE NOT YET RECEIVE YOUR LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE BESIDE YOU ARE GIVEN 5 BANK WORKING DAYS TO COMPLETE THE DOCUMENTATION FOR YOUR ONWARD TRANSFER.

IN ALL, THIS AFOREMENTIONED BANK REQUIRED YOU TO FORWARD YOUR ACCOUNT PROFILE WHERE YOUR INHERITED FUND WILL BE TRANSFER INTO AND YOUR DELAY TO ACT AS DIRECTED WILL ENHANCE THIS MANAGEMENT TO RE-TRANSFER YOUR INHERITED FUND INTO THE BANK TREASURY AND DECLARE YOUR APPLICATION INVALID.

MANAGEMENT

BANK OF AFRICA

OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I misunderstood you

Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 15:51:41

Bello,

I have just returned from a marvellous day’s hunting over at Fockett Hall. Thanks to Beaker we didn’t have any problems at all with hunt saboteurs. In fact he was even more effective than I thought he would be: at close range, his breath actually knocked two anti-hunt protestors out cold.

Now then, about this lawyer business. It looks as if I misunderstood your last email. When you advised me to “hurry up and contact your lawyer”, I naturally assumed that you wanted me to hurry up and contact my lawyer, not some johnny I have never heard of who works for the bank. And when you referred to my lawyer and told me that “I know him very well”, I naturally assumed that you meant that you knew my lawyer, not this Alpaca fellow or whatever his name is.

Are you sure about using this other lawyer? To be perfectly honest with you Bello, I’m a tad uneasy at the prospect of entrusting my legal affairs to some chap I’ve never heard of before. If you ask me, we might be better off seeing if my own lawyer, Welsby, can help us out in this matter.

Welsby is a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. Lady Murray and I have been using his services for over ten years. Welsby has got the sharpest legal brain I have ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a faulty gas fire in a very poorly-ventilated guest room and the Duchess of Moss Side who was visiting at the time.

Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges against me dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved family.

I cannot recommend Welsby highly enough. I think it would be for the best if I contacted him when he returns from holiday to see if he would be willing to work on our behalf instead of using that Alpaca fellow. What are your thoughts on the matter?

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: My bank details

Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:04:33

Sawam,

I am in receipt of the email you sent to me earlier today. You asked for details of the bank account into which I wish you to transfer my late brother’s money. Here they are:

  • Bank name: Bartletts Bank PLC
  • Account number: 74053275
  • Sort code: 21-38-19
  • Account name: Lord Gilbert Arnold Murray

Regarding the other matter that you raised in your email, seeing as my late brother’s money has been sitting in your bank and earning you interest for a number of years now, I consider it ludicrous for you to suddenly impose a completely arbitrary five day deadline to conclude this matter. Given the geographical distance over which we are conducting this business – and the fact that I am a very busy man indeed – I would be extremely surprised if we managed to get this business concluded within a mere five working days. As a result, I consider your deadline null and void: this business will take as long as it takes.

I am pleased to be able to report that I am currently in the process of engaging a lawyer to work on my behalf. I will be back in touch once negotiations with the lawyer have been finalised.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. Could I ask you to desist from addressing me ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS? Quite apart from it making your emails extremely difficult to read, over here in this country only small children and the mentally-challenged write COMPLETELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Kindly take note.


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please, hurry up and the lawyer

Sent: Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:34:11 -0500 (EST)

Hello Partner,

I told you once again not to relate this transaction business to anybody and remember I told you that the most important thing in this transaction is to obey the bank instructions and advice. Now, you want to disappoint me and if the bank suspect that you are not the real next of kin they will not transfer this money to you and if this thing happen I will not forgive you because I have let you know everything regarding to this transaction business.

In the approval letter which you forward to me, the bank told you to contact the bank accredited attorney that is Akpara Mohamed who will represent you here in Burkina Faso to go to the various ministry and issue the requested documents and sign your payment release order. Now how can you disobey the bank instruction and hope that the bank will transfer this money to us?

Please, please and please contact the lawyer which the bank gave you.

Below is the contact of the lawyer which I saw in the approval letter:

Email: akpara_chambers1@yahoo.fr

I am not happy that you have not contact him by now.

Thanks


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: Alright, I will contact this Alpaca fellow

Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 08:47:02

Bello,

I am in receipt of your somewhat ill-tempered email. Kindly remember who you are addressing, my good man: I am not used to putting up with such ill-natured whinging from my business associates. I have been doing my best here, trying to ensure the success of this transaction by suggesting that we engage the services of one of the finest legal brains in Lincolnshire, and all I get from you in return is a display of peevish grizzling.

Despite this, I am willing to put your poor behaviour to one side for the sake of this transaction. If you are certain that this Alpaca fellow is the right man for the job, then I shall take your word for it and contact him immediately.

But let me tell you this, Bello. In turning down the chance to use the services of the eminent Welsby, I feel that you may be making a big mistake. This Alpaca fellow had better be up to the job. I will expect nothing but the best from him. Welsby is back from holiday next week. At the first sign of incompetence from Alpaca, I will drop him like a stone and contact Welsby to see if he can help us out.

I must go: after I have composed a brief email to this Alpaca fellow I will be going into the village with Beaker to collect his new butler’s uniform from the gentlemen’s outfitters.

I will get back to you as soon as I have heard back from this Alpaca fellow.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I may be interested in using your services

Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 08:58:48

Alpaca,

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Lord Murray, the 18th Earl of Gypping. I am currently engaged in attempting to bring about the transfer of $20 million from the bank account of some dead German fellow called Schranner into my own bank account. To this end, I am claiming to be Schranner’s brother.

Schranner’s money is currently held in an account with the Bank of Africa in some place called Ouagadougou – in one of the former colonies, I believe. One of the directors of the bank, a fellow by the name of Sawam, has instructed me to contact you with a view to obtaining the necessary documentation for the successful completion of this transaction.

Sawam has informed me that you are an accredited attorney with the bank. I would therefore appreciate it if you would liase with Sawam in order to ascertain precisely what needs to be done in order to bring this transaction to a swift and successful conclusion.

Kindly get back to me as soon as you have done this and inform me of your findings. Please also furnish me with an estimate of how much it will cost to engage your services in this matter and with brief details of your legal qualifications and experience so that I will be able to decide whether or not to hire you.

This transaction is extremely important to me, Alpaca, and I do not mind telling you that I feel somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of taking on a lawyer whose services I have not used before. My usual lawyer, Welsby, is the quintessence of legal excellence. With this in mind, I ought to let you know that if I do decide to take you on, I will expect nothing but the best from you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE

Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:38:58 +0100 (CET)

Dear Client,

In regards to your message today being the 5th of Jan 2007, concerning your financial claim with the BANK OF AFRICA, OUAGADOUDOU, BURKINA FASO. Immediately I received your mail, I rushed to the bank for fact findings.

Sequel to my discussion with the management of the BANK OF AFRICA, DR JAMES SAWAM the foreign auditor director pledged that the management of the bank have gone through the diseased (sic) file for proper screening and that the management in general have approved you as the beneficiary and also appoint me to represent your interest about your request that I represent you sign your fund release order documents with BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO and procure the affidavit of claim, certificate of legality and tax clearance certificate from the High Court of Justice and Internal Board of Revenue where I will procure the tax clearance document.

I have presented myself to the bank as your attorney for the signing of the fund release document because I was shown a message from you in regards to that, the bank have made it clear that you have to sign the fund release order documents (FRO) before the transfer of your claim fund into your nominated bank account and I promise you that I will do everything on your behalf, I am a public advocate and I will give you the best service.

I have been to the Ministry of Justice in regards to the procurement of the two vital documents.

LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE TERMS OF PAYMENT

The costs to procure the documents are as following:

  • CERTIFICATE OF LEGALITY: 750 Euros
  • AFFIDAVIT OF CLAIM: 600 Euros
  • TAX CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE: 1,000 Euros
  • Total: 2,350 Euros
  • My consultation fees: 2,000 Euros
  • My services charges: 10,500 Euros

The management of the bank said you will pay for my services charge as they will not deduct from the sum till it get to your account and the bank account information of your late brother ANDREAS SCHRANNER and your bank account profile have been given to me by the management which I will take to the ministries involved for the procurement of the required documents.

4,350 Euros part payment to be paid before I start the work at hand and the balance 10,500 Euros to be paid after the work is completed and I am the bank accredited attorney, as far as you have contacted me, you will confirm your claim fund in your account if only you abide by my submissions.

Conclusively, you will send the money fast to allow me to receive it as I will like to get the money and do your job on schedule.

Thanks for contacting these chambers and your recognition.

I await your mail as soon as you send the money.

NOTE: send the money with the name of my secretary (Mr Monday Azuka).

Yours in service,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

AKPARA & ASSOCIATES


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I will review your email over the weekend

Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:55:23

Alpaca,

Thank you for your email. I have to admit that I did not expect to hear from you so quickly. Your promptness is entirely commendable. Keep this up and I will have no complaints.

Unfortunately I have not had time to read through your email in detail, and nor will I have for the remainder of today; Lady Murray and I are in the midst of preparing for a weekend away and we are due to leave in an hour’s time.

However, I have printed out your email and placed it in my travelling bag. I will review it in detail over the weekend and get back to you with a response when I return on Monday morning.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: Alpaca has responded to my email

Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:59:39

Bello,

You will be pleased to hear that that Alpaca fellow has responded to my email.

Unfortunately I will not get the chance to read through his email today; Lady Murray and I are due to leave for a weekend away in an hour’s time. Beaker is busy packing our cases at this very moment. However, I have just sent the fellow a quick response and told him that I will consider his email over the weekend and get back to him on Monday morning.

Lady Murray and I are going to stay with an old chum of mine, Sir Kay Deyanne, at his family seat of Bugrette Hall. It is vital that Lady Murray and I are not late: Sir Kay is a stickler for punctuality. In fact he runs his household like clockwork: everything runs to a strict twenty-four hour rhythm.

Tell me Bello, do have any plans for the weekend? A spot of hunting, shooting or fishing maybe? Or perhaps a society ball or two?

I must say, I am looking forward to showing off my new butler to Sir Kay. Beaker is looking resplendent in his new uniform and he appears to be adjusting to his new duties and responsibilities remarkably quickly. As long as the man keeps his mouth shut, he comes across as quite an imposing character.

I must go: I need to instruct Beaker to give the Bentley one last polish after he has finished packing our cases and loaded them into the car. Do have a pleasant weekend, Bello. I will be back in touch first thing on Monday morning.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: It is a good news

Sent: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 16:09:41 -0500 (EST)

How are you and lady?

Thanks for your comprehensive manner over this transaction business.

I was very happy went I saw Akpara in the bank premises today. As he came, he moved to the director’s office and Dr Sawam gave him some informations of the dead fellow and your own.

Akpara said that he will come back with the documents and he have agreed to do everything but please anything he tell you please follow his instructions because he is a very big lawyer and he is a title man in this country.

Actually, the director has started to process your transfer documents. Even your cheque is all ready today but the director said will transfer it into your account if Akpara submit the needed documents and I don’t want anything that will delay us. By Monday as you said I will be waiting to hear that you have finish with Akpara as he came today I believed he will do everything for you.

Thanks,

Bello


From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: UPDATE FROM BOA

Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 05:58:50 -0500 (EST)

Attention customer,

We the aforementioned group Bank of Africa wish to inform you that your legal representative Hon Barr Akpara came to our bank this morning and he maintained that you sent him a mail that you will be travelling by weekend and give him response on Monday and we told him that you are given 5 days to complete the documentation but apologised for the need to extended the deadline.

As a recognised attorney and with regards to your mail, we the group Bank of Africa have extended the deadline to 1 week for you to complete the documentation.

Management


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: Matters are in hand

Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 12:18:33

Sawam,

I am in receipt of your email. As I told you last week, your arbitrary deadlines are completely irrelevant to me. This business will take as long as it takes.

Matters are in hand. I will keep you updated as this business progresses.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping

PS. Congratulations on getting the hang of that CAPS LOCK business. Well done, my man.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: An update on progress

Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 12:25:29

Bello,

I have just returned from a most enjoyable weekend away at Bugrette Hall. Beaker was on his best behaviour and Sir Kay Deyanne was most impressed with him.

I have had a chance to cast my eyes over the email that Alpaca sent me. I have a number of queries which I shall be asking Alpaca to address today. If Alpaca is able to clarify the outstanding issues, we will be in a position to move forward.

Tell me, how was your weekend, Bello?

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: I have a number of queries

Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 12:33:12

Alpaca,

Having reviewed the email that you sent to me last week, I have a number of queries. Kindly address them by return.

  1. In your email, you mentioned “a diseased file” having gone through “proper screening” at the bank. I fail to understand how such a medical matter is relevant to the business in hand. What is diseased? Is someone ill? Is it anything catching? Please clarify.
  2. You have quoted one amount for your “consultation fees” and another for your “services charges”. Kindly explain how these two items differ from one another and precisely what each entails.
  3. Exactly how many days will it take to conclude this business?

Be a good chap and get back to me as soon as you can. That Sawam fellow at the bank is bothering me with some nonsense about deadlines, so it would be preferable if we could get things moving as quickly as possible.

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Clarifications on your queries

Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 21:18:26 +0100 (CET)

Dear Client,

In regards to your message today being the 8th Jan 2007, which you need some clarification on some queries, well, I will be glad to clarify you on those queries. First and foremost, the email you receive from this chambers was type by the secretary and the error that you saw inside are typing errors.

Here are clarifications to your queries:

The word “diseased file” that the secretary wrote is a wrong spelling and you are the one that is bring this to my notice by pointing out the fact on your email. Well, just like I told you, that it is a typing error and moreover, nobody is above mistake, so I will advise you don’t capitalise on that word, as the correct spelling is “DECEASED FILE”.

My dear client, what I mean by consultation fee is simply like this, here in my country when you contact a chambers for legal representative, you pay him consultation fee which is the same as mobilisation fee and this fee is being used to move around, such as going to the bank, going to the ministries and other places. While service charge is the same thing as chamber’s charges which is what you will pay to the chambers after working for you. Moreover, you are learned enough to know that a chambers does not make up of only one attorney as there are other barristers and delegates that have already been working on your matter.

As for me, you are the one delaying this business as you called it, because with my capacity as a senior advocate of Burkina Faso, I have the veto right to get those certificates under one day. Moreover, I have booked for those certificates in the Ministry of Justice and the Internal Board of Revenue respectively, so if I can have the part payment of 4,350 Euros by tomorrow, I will rapidly get to those ministries and pay for the certificates, which will be issued to me immediately I make the payment. So believe the business will only take two days, I will use tomorrow to get the certificates and at the same time submit them to the bank, after which I shall go back to the bank the following day to sign the final release order.

My dear client, I have promised you that I am going to give you best of my services and that is why I have put everything in place to procure those certificates as soon as I receive the part payment, so I will kindly request that you send the part payment to these chambers by tomorrow through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER with the name of the chamber’s secretary MR MONDAY AZUKA after which you shall send the transfer informations to this chambers.

Dear client, you are the cause of DR JAMES SAWAM bothering you, because on my own side I have the capacity to get those certificates as soon as I receive the part payment, so let the bothering of DR JAMES SAWAM don’t worry you, just go ahead and send the part payment to these chambers by tomorrow and I promise you that I am going to send you copies of the certificates by tomorrow evening.

Due to the urgentness in this business, I will advise you call me on my private telephone number once you have sent the part payment, so that it will enable us receive it in time and commence action, so here is my private number: 00226-76-562-476.

You can reach me on that number at anytime, unless I am in a sitting in the court, I do switch it off, so the ball is on your court.

I hope to hear from you soonest.

Yours in service,

Hon Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

AKPARA & CO ASSOCIATES


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for your update

Sent: Mon, 08 Jan 2007 17:57:47 -0500 (EST)

How are you and you entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health. Thanks to almighty God that you returned peacefully and enjoyable.

Today, I was so busy in the office and I was wondering that you did not let me know that you are back from Bugrette Hall. According to my previous mail, I told you that Akpara will do everything successful. Well if you have anything you can ask him but he is eligible to stand on your behalf and do everything.

Even he came to the bank today and the director called the bank officials meeting and matters concerning the transfer of our money was brought to focus and Sawam told him that the bank gave you 5 days to do everything but Akpara stood up immediately and asked the management to wait a bit that plan was on pipeline to bring the needed documents and sign the transfer slip. He further told the management that you travelled and you will arrive today. Honestly I was so happy the way he handle eveything.

Since you contacted him, he always came to the bank. Even when he came today the director told him to hurry up that he have already process the transfer documents of our money. So I don’t know what you have to ask him and why you are delaying before we proceeded. I told you that the most important thing for this transaction to be successful is follow the bank instructions and now the bank requested for some documents and gave you helping hand who will help you to process documents as you are not here, you are telling me you have a number of queries which you want from him?

Please, put effort my partner. Time wait for no man. My coming to your country is at hand and I know that God have done this to us.

My partner, the weekend was very convivial, enjoyable and remarkable. Well as I told you, keep your trust on Akpara and I know that with him everything will be OK. I am here monitoring everything and I want you to believe that the bank will transfer our money very soon according to my observation.

I am stopping here while waiting to hear good news as soon as you finish with your attorney.

Thanks,

Bello


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: Your fees

Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:52:03

Alpaca,

Thank you for clearing up those queries so promptly. Once again, the rapidity of your response is laudable. I would doff my cap to you out of respect... were it not for the fact that the unbridgeable gulf between my social standing and yours would make such a deferential gesture – and indeed the very wearing of such a lowly item of headgear – entirely inappropriate for one in my position.

Now we come to the matter of your fees. I do not have a problem with the amount you are charging to obtain the various documents, certificates and whatnot. What I do have a problem with is the amount you are attempting to charge for your “consultation fees” and your “services charges”, videlicet a total of 12,500 Euros.

You told me in your last email that you would be able to conclude this business in a mere two days. Given that you already appear to have commenced work on this business on my behalf – without having first received my authorisation to do so, if I may say so – I calculate that in total this business will occupy you for a total of three days.

I am perfectly capable of operating a pocket calculator, Alpaca, and I have calculated that this works out at a total of 4,167 Euros per day. Assuming that you work a seven hour day, that works out at an eye-watering 595 Euros per hour. That is £400 per hour in real money – or nearly £7 a minute!

I would like you to explain to me how you can possibly justify attempting to charge such an outrageously high fee for your services. Good Noel man, even Madame Blamm down at the local massage parlour doesn’t charge that much for her services... and let me tell you, Alpaca, her services do not exactly come cheap.

Where does all this money go, Alpaca? If your secretary is anything to go by, it certainly does not get spent on staff training. Having a secretary who cannot spell to save her life does not reflect well on your business.

Having had some experience of lawyers in the past, I have a good idea of what constitutes a reasonable fee. And what you are attempting to charge me for a mere three days work comes nowhere close to being a reasonable fee.

If you do indeed wish me to engage your services in this matter rather than turning to another lawyer – one who does not charge on a “how much can I possibly get away with” basis – then you will reconsider your ludicrous demands.

I would suggest that a reasonable amount to pay for your “consultation fees” and “services charges” would be 2,000 Euros... and even then I consider that I am being generous to you.

I suggest that you go away and have a good long think about this Alpaca. I do not take kindly to those who see me as some kind of golden goose and attempt to overcharge me. If you wish to redeem yourself in my eyes, you will reconsider your fees. If not, I will simply find myself another lawyer.

The ball is now back in your court. I expect you to return it back to me with a satisfactory response.

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abu Bello

Subject: Alpaca’s fees

Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:56:16

Bello,

I am sorry to report that we have a problem. Having examined that Alpaca fellow’s fees, it has become obvious to me that the wretched man is attempting to overcharge me for his services on a monumental scale.

I am no fool, Bello. I can see when a chap is trying it on. But don’t you worry; I have just sent Alpaca a stormer of a letter, demanding that he reduce his fees if he wants me to retain his services in this affair.

I am confident that once the man realises that I know his game, he will respond in a positive manner. Well I can tell you this for nothing Bello: if Alpaca does not agree to bring his fees down to a more reasonable level, I am damned if I am doing business with him.

I must go: one of my old chums, Sir Kit Braker from Screwham Hall has just arrived for a morning spent shooting otters on the estate. Sir Kit is a marvellous fellow: a real bright spark. You would like him, Bello. Beaker is preparing the rifles at this very moment.

I will check my email again when I get back for the morning’s shoot. Hopefully by then that Alpaca fellow will have seen sense. He had better do...

Best regards,

Lord Murray, Earl of Gypping


From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I HAVE NO OPTION THAN TO EXECUTE MY JOB, GO AHEAD AND SEND THE 2,000 EUROS

Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 15:12:39 +0100 (CET)

Dear Client,

I am not surprise to read such mail from you, because I have already started working for you, so I have no option than to finish with my service just the way you have calculated to your own knowledge.

So I will advise you go ahead and send the 2,000 Euros the way I have directed you, so that I can execute the job for you as I have already started it and moreover it is the bank that gave you my contact to represent you, so I have no option than to terminate the job.

So send the 2,000 Euros immediately to enable me to secure the certificates today after which I shall send copies of the certificates to you, thereafter you shall know me well.

I await your urgent respond.

Yours in service,

Hon Barrister Akpara Mohamed

Akpara & Co Associates


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Let me hear from you urgently

Sent: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 19:42:47 -0500 (EST)

How are you and your entire family members today? I hope you are all fine and sound in health.

My good partner, what is the situation of things?

Let me hear from you urgently.

Thanks,

Bello


From: Beaker

To: Abu Bello

Subject: Lord Murray has had an accident

Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 08:21:11

Hello Mr Bellow,

It is not Lord Murray it is his butler Beaker. I am writing to you because Lord Murray has had an accident and he has told me to use his email address and write to you and tell you what happened and carry on with this stuff that he is doing with you on his behalf.

Lord Murray went out shooting animals with a friend yesterday and I went along too to carry the guns and when we got back to Hemlock Hall and his friend had left Lord Murray told me to clean and oil his rifle but I told him that I had never cleaned and oiled a rifle before so I did not know how to do it and he told me that he would show me what to do.

So we went into the gun room and Lord Murray showed me how to clean and oil his rifle but I can be a bit clumsy sometimes and I get a bit confused sometimes as well when there is a lot to take in and I made a mistake when I was cleaning the rifle and I do not know exactly what happened but the rifle went off by accident while I was holding it and I shot Lord Murray in the backside with both barrels.

Lord Murray shouted at me very loudly and he went all red in the face and I thought he was going to hit me and then he went all quiet and he went all white and then he passed out. I called for Lady Murray and we sent for the doctor and the doctor came and he sent for an ambulance and the ambulance came and took Lord Murray to the local hospital and Lady Murray and me went with him and we both stayed there at the hospital all night.

Luckily Lord Murray was not too badly hurt and the doctors operated on him and they removed all of the buckshot from his backside and he was unconscious for most of the night but then he came round at about 5 o’clock in the morning and at first he was very angry with me for shooting him but then he calmed down a bit and he told me that if I could manage to get this stuff with you sorted out while he was in hospital without making any cockups then he might not fire me when he gets out of hospital because he said that this business was very very important to him.

So Lord Murray told me all about this business that you and him are doing and he told me his email address and his password so that I could get into his email account and use it to do this business with you.

I got back to Hemlock Hall about an hour ago and the first thing I did was to turn on Lord Murray’s computer like he told me to and I have looked through all of the emails that you have sent to Lord Murray and that he has sent to you and that Lord Murray has sent to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and that the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed has sent to Lord Murray and to be honest with you I am a bit confused about what is going on now so could you please reply to this email and let me know what I need to do next because I am not sure and I want to do this right because I do not want Lord Murray to sack me when he gets out of hospital.

Please reply to this email quickly and tell me what I need to do.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please hurry up

Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 07:20:19 -0500 (EST)

Thanks for what you are doing to me. Now I believed that you are not a wise investor.

Meanwhile, I have contacted another partner who is capable to handle this transaction to my expectation and I want you to send mail to the bank immediately. Tell the bank to extend the date of validity and also give you the change of ownership form that your senior brother did not allow you to claim the money. Tell the bank that you send the form to your senior brother for him to forward his account information and also tell him what is necessary for him to do.

Do this immediately and get back to me.


From: Beaker

To: Abu Bello

Subject: I do not understand

Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 12:54:39

Hello Mr Bellow,

It is me Beaker again. I have just read the email that you sent to me and I do not understand. I told you I was confused about what I had to do and I asked you to tell me what to do next but I do not understand what it is that you are telling me to do.

Who is this other partner that you have contacted? I hope you are not getting someone else involved in this instead of Lord Murray because if you are doing Lord Murray will not be pleased because he told me that this is very important to him and if he is not pleased then he will blame me and he will sack me for shooting him in the backside like I told you he would.

Who should I contact at the bank? And what is the date of validity that you want me to ask the bank to extend? I do not understand what that means. And what is the change of ownership form that you have told me to ask for? And who is this senior brother you are talking about? I do not have a senior brother. I do not have a younger brother either. Or any sisters.

And where does the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed come into it? Lord Murray told me that I would have to deal with him even if he is an unscrupulous overcharging cad which is what Lord Murray called him. But you did not mention him at all. Is he the person I need to contact at the bank?

I expected you to explain things to me Mr Bellow but I do not understand what you are telling me at all and I am more confused than ever now. Please explain things to me clearly and simply so that I can do what I need to do for Lord Murray and keep my job.

Thanking you,

Beaker

PS. Lady Murray has just come back from the hospital and she has told me that Lord Murray is sleeping comfortably now so that is good news even if he is having to sleep on his front because of the operation he had last night on his backside.


From: Abu Bello

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Understand what?

Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 09:40:39 -0500 (EST)

What is happening lord?

Akpara came to the bank today and he is complaining that the money which he asked from to enable him to the ministries and obtain the needed documents.

Now, I want to contact other person who will pay the money and the bank will transfer the money to him. Please if you don’t want to pay the money to Akpara, send mail to the bank tell bank to give you the change of ownership form that your brother will finish the transaction so that I will contact another person who will pay that money to Akpara.

At first I told you that I don’t want the bank to know my involvement in this transaction and you agreed to handle the transaction. Now what is happening? If you involve me I know I will lose my job without getting this money, it will cause a lot of havoc between me and you.

Get back to me.


From: Beaker

To: Abu Bello

Subject: Lord Murray is in hospital

Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:45:12

Hello Mr Bellow,

It is me Beaker again. I have already told you that Lord Murray is in hospital and he has told me to take over and finish this transaction with you on his behalf because he cannot do it himself from his hospital bed. Have you not read the emails I sent to you properly or are you just stupid?

You are dealing with me now instead of Lord Murray until Lord Murray is discharged from hospital. Lord Murray has told me all about this business and he has given me instructions to complete this transaction for him. Do you understand?

Lord Murray told me that you were a clever man but I do not see any evidence of that from your emails so far. Seeing as I cannot get any sense out of you I am going to contact the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and see if I can get some sense out of him.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Beaker

To: Akpara Mohamed

Subject: Lord Murray is in hospital and he has asked me to complete this business on his behalf

Sent: Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:52:07

Hello Mr Mohamed,

My name is Beaker and I am Lord Murray’s butler and Lord Murray was rushed into hospital yesterday and he has told me all about the business that he is doing with you and Mr Bellow at the bank and he has asked me to complete the business for him while he is in hospital.

Lord Murray gave me his email address and his password so I could look at the emails that he has sent to you and that you have sent to him and I have looked at them but I am a bit confused and I do not know what to do next so could you please let me know?

From reading through the emails it looks as if Lord Murray and you were disagreeing on the amount of fees that he was going to have to pay you. What amount did you agree on in the end? Let me know and I will check it with Lord Murray when I visit him in hospital tomorrow morning and then I will be able to send you the fees.

Please get back to me and explain what I need to do next as quickly as you can because Lord Murray has told me to get this business finished as quickly as possible because he said that it was very important to him and he told me that if I mess it up he will sack me so I do not want that.

I will be waiting to hear from you.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Alhaji James Sawam

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Update of validity from BOA

Sent: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 06:29:09 -0500 (EST)

Attn customer,

After the Board of the Directors’ meeting today been 11 Jan 2007, we the aforementioned bank wish to inform you that your legal representative Hon Barrister Akpara has not submit the required documents to this bank.

At the same time, he was here yesterday without the said documents, saying that he have been waiting for you to pay the 2,350 Euros which the ministries demand before the said documents can be obtain. This is normal procedure and we want to use this media opportunity to inform you that the deadline will be expire by Monday next week.

Finally, your failure to act as directed will enhance the management to declare your application of claim invalid and transfer your inherited fund into the bank treasury.

Dr James Sawam

Foreign Remittance Director (BOA)


From: Akpara Mohamed

To: Beaker

Subject: I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPOND...

Sent: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 13:42:36 +0100 (CET)

Hello Mr Beaker,

I am sad to hear that my client is been rush to the hospital; please extend my greeting of get well soon to my client.

Let us get down to business, actually, the whole amount is 14,850 Euros which I have ask him to send to me a part payment of 4,350 Euros after the job have been completed, he will now send me the balance of 10,500 which he promise sending 2,000 Euros as a part payment two days ago.

Actually, I have already started the job, so if he said it is the 2,000 Euros that he will send as a part payment, then let him go ahead and send it, so that I can get what the bank need from him to finalise the transaction with the bank.

Please remind him of the deadline date that the bank gave to him, because the bank called me yesterday and was asking me what is happening which I told them that I have not heard from my client, so all you have to do is to send the part payment of 2,000 Euros through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER with the name of my secretary MR MONDAY AZUKA so that I can go and get the bank requirements and then submit it to the bank after which I shall sign the final release order.

I await your urgent respond.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

HON Barrister AKPARA MOHAMED

AKPARA & CO ASSOCIATES


From: Beaker

To: Alhaji James Sawam

Subject: Lord Murray is in hospital so please bear with me

Sent: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 13:31:57

Hello Mr Sawam,

It is not Lord Murray it is Beaker and I am his butler and I got the email that you sent to Lord Murray earlier today and I am writing to tell you that Lord Murray has been rushed into hospital after an accident the other day and while he is in hospital he has told me to take over this business for him so that is what I am doing now.

Lord Murray told me that just before he was rushed into hospital he was in the middle of agreeing the fees with the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and I have just had an email from the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed and before I can do anything else I have got to OK the fees with Lord Murray when I visit him in hospital later today and then I will be able to transfer the fees to the lawyer Mr Akpara Mohamed.

Lord Murray told me that this business is very important to him and he has told me that he will sack me if I do not do it right so please bear with me because I am finding all this very confusing and I am doing my best and I am trying to get things sorted out as quickly as I can.

Thanking you,

Beaker


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