scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Retired Wing Commander III


In which yet another Nigerian inexplicably seeks yet another foreign partner to assist him in transferring yet another huge amount of money out of one bank account and into their own. Unfortunately, Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) is more interested in the possibility of taking on the scammer’s rather attractive mother as his mistress...

Cast of characters

  • Gilbert Murray – Wing Commander, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.).
  • Ahmed Wada Nas – allegedly the eldest son of the late Special Duties Minister of Nigeria.
  • Abdulakarime Dieng – allegedly Ahmed Wada Nas’ lawyer.
  • Mariam Wada Nas – allegedly Ahmed Wada Nas’ mother.
  • Johnson Bright – presumably another one of Abdulakarime Dieng’s scamming pseudonyms, which he uses by mistake.
  • Dr John Basil – allegedly an official working for a security company based in Spain.


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please Respond

Sent: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 14:44:32 +0400

Dear Sir,

In The Name Of Almighty Allah, The Merciful, The Master Of The Day Of Judgement, I Greet You. May The Almighty Allah Give You The Wisdom To Understand My Predicament. I am Ahmed Bashir Wada Nas, The Eldest Son Of The Late Alhaji Wada Nas. May His Soul Rest In Peace. I Hereby Solicit For Your Help. I Know It Might Marvel You On How I Got To Know About You But It Was On My Search Through The Internet That My Spirit Directed Me To You.

I Have A Business Proposal For You Which I Hope By The Special Grace Of Allah Will Be Beneficial To You And Me. This Business Proposal Is Not An Illusion But Achievable If Giving Your Maximum Support And Co-operation.

I Have To Assure You That This Business Proposal Is Risk Free.

My Father, Alhaji Wada Nas, Was The Special Duties Minister Of Nigeria And Also The Chairman Of The Conference Of Nigerian Political Parties (CNPP) Before He Was Killed By This Wicked Government.

On The Dying Days Of My Father, He Revealed To Me Of About $8.6m (Eight Million, Six Hundred Thousand US Dollars) Kept In A Financial Security Company And He Directed Me To Transfer This Money To A Foreign Account Before The Government Knows Of It. My Mother And I Are Left With No Other Option Than To Invest This Money Outside The Country Where It Will Be Safe.

I Hereby Propose This To You, If And Only If I Can Count On You. You Take 25% Of The Money, I Take 30%, 5% Will Be For Any Expenses Incurred During The Transfer Of This Fund, And The Remaining 40% Will Be For A Joint Business In Your Country.

Please, All What I Needed From You Is Your Telephone Number And Your Contact Address For Onward Transfer Of This Fund. I Seriously Count On Your Support And Co-operation.

Reply Me Through My Alternative Email Address: ahmednas@box.az.

Yours Faithfully,

Ahmed B Wada Nas


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: This sounds like my kind of caper

Sent: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 15:53:47

Wada Nas,

Just read the email you sent to me. Dashed surprised to have received it, to tell the truth, but damn glad too. This business proposal of yours. It sounds just like my kind of caper. Right up my street. Get back to me sharpish with more details and I’ll see what I can do.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Here’s a tip. Capital letters. Use ’em at the start of a sentence and at the start of a name, not at the start of every damn word. Got it? Jolly good.


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Reply

Sent: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 15:51:39 +0400

DEAR WING COMM G MURRAY,

I MUST CONFESS THAT WE ARE GLAD TO HAVE YOUR RESPONSE TODAY. MAY THE ALMIGHTY ALLAH BLESS YOU. YOU REQUESTED FOR MORE DETAILS IN REGARD TO THIS FUND BUT WE WANT TO KNOW THE EXACT INFORMATION OR FACT THAT YOU YOU ARE REQUESTING FOR, AS EVERYTHING WAS STATED IN MY FIRST LETTER TO YOU. BESIDES, YOU DID NOT SEND US ANY OF YOUR INFORMATION AS REQUESTED.

WE WOULD BE GLAD TO HAVE YOU CALL US OR PROVIDE US WITH YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT WE CAN CONTACT YOU ON THE PHONE AND DISCUSS THIS TRANSACTION ONE ON ONE.

WE AWAIT YOUR KIND RESPONSE.

BEST REGARD,

AHMED BASHIR WADA NAS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Is all this legal and above board?

Sent: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 12:24:18

Wada Nas,

Just received your email. What I’m after from you is some kind of assurance that this business is legal and above board. I’m Secretary for the England for the English campaign, so I’ve my reputation to think of, do you see? Last thing I want is to get tied up in some murky business and get my good name dragged through the mud. That just wouldn’t do, do you hear? Reassure me that there’s no risk of any funny business and I’ll be happy to move forward.

Now then, you asked for my telephone number. It’s 01927 58367. Bit of a problem with the old phone line at the moment though: we had some strong wind the other day and it brought down the telegraph wires to the village. Means the blasted telephone is out of order for a few days. Damn bad show and all that. Luckily the old satellite internet connection still works, so I suggest to save time we communicate via email until the phone’s back in working order. I assume this is acceptable to you?

So, get back to me with your assurance that this is all above board and we can make some progress.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. I see those damn capital letters are still proving troublesome. Is your computer keyboard broken or something? Damn poor show.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: What’s the reason for this damn delay?

Sent: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 11:04:05

Wada Nas,

Disappointed that you’ve not had the decency to get back to me yet with an answer to my email. Thought this business was urgent, but seeing no sign of urgency at all from your end.

If you want my help, man, it’s time to get with the programme.

Get back to me immediately, do you hear? Let’s make some progress here.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry for the delay!

Sent: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 14:32:21 +0400

Sir,

I apologise for my delay in responding to your email. I was invited by a friend of my late father outside the state. Am sorry sir. I want to assure you once again that this transaction is genuine and legal. We really need your assistance and in the name of Allah, I promise not to disappoint you or bring anything that will drag your good name into any form of illegality.

I am still very young and need someone to direct me. My late father was a great man of repute and integrity and I also want to maintain that legacy that he left behind. The present government of this country does not want to see the happiness of the poor masses and my father was always on his feet opposing them and that was his wrong to this government.

As a young man with a great vision, I need a better environment and a capable hand to direct me on how to achieve my visions. Sir, with due respect, this environment of ours is full of intimidation, sabotage, greed, fraud in higher places, and above all, lawlessness. I believe I may not succeed with the kind of vision that I have for life if I continue to dwell in this environment.

My father deposited the fund as a family treasure and not cash and we need it processed so that we can invest in your country and have a better life. I invited an attorney for a discussion on that regard and we will be meeting with him this afternoon to intimate him and also seek his advice on how to proceed with the claim. I will update you as soon as we finish discussing with the attorney. We are being careful in getting this attorney so that we should not get ourselves into trouble with the government. There are some attorneys that spy for the government and we are trying to avoid such.

Sir, I am assuring you that this transaction is legal and risk free and we will be directing you on the proceedings. I am a young man that needs a better life and future and I believe you are capable of leading me to the promised land.

Thank you sir,

Ahmed B Wada Nas


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Good show

Sent: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 11:52:48

Wada Nas,

Thank you for your email and for reassuring me that there is nothing untoward about this transaction. I’m sure you can understand that in my position as Secretary for the England for the English campaign, my reputation is of paramount importance to me. Can’t have my good name brought into disrepute, do you see?

Now then, you sound like you’re a young man who’s got his feet firmly planted on the ground. You’ve got plans. You’ve got ambition. I like that in a man. Well done. Sorry to hear about the death of your father of course, but something like that could prove to be the making of you. Toughen you up. It’s a harsh, cruel world out there, and you’ve always got to look out for number one, do you hear?

You say you’ve got vision. Well I’d like to assure you that in me, you’ve found the “capable hand” you’re looking for to guide you to this “promised land” you say you’re looking for. And of course, we at the England for the English campaign know for a fact that the “promised land” is England. No doubt about that at all. William Blake and all that? Jerusalem, do you see?

Now then, with such a large amount of money at stake, I think you’re wise to worry about fraud and greed and all that sort of thing. Hope this lawyer you’re meeting today turns out to be a decent stick.

Talking of lawyers, do you think it would be worth me having a word with my own lawyer, Mr Welsby of the firm Elton & Welsby, about this business? He might be able to help us out at this end and take some of the pressure off your own attorney. He’s a fine man, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles.

Welsby’s got the sharpest legal brain I’ve ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a case of live shells that had been marked “blanks” and an RAF fly-past that I organised in commemoration of the 60th anniversary of the Battle of Gypping Marsh. Not only did Welsby manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award us costs against the bereaved families. Let me know if you’d like me to contact him.

Well, get back to me as soon as you’ve met up with this lawyer chappie, let me know if I should contact Welsby, and hopefully we’ll make some good progress this week.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Glad to see you’ve got the hang of those capital letters at last. Well done. Good show.


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Attorney

Sent: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 13:00:17 +0400

SIR,

I MUST CONFESS THAT I AM GLAD AT YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT TO ME. SINCERELY, I FEEL GREAT. THANK YOU SIR.

WE MET WITH THE ATTORNEY YESTERDAY AND DETAILED HIM ON THE TRANSACTION AND HE REQUESTED THAT YOU SEND ME AN IDENTIFICATION ALTHOUGH WE KNOW IT IS NECESSARY. HE ADVISED YOU SEND EITHER A COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT, IDENTITY CARD OR DRIVING LICENCE FOR IDENTIFICATION PURPOSES.

SECONDLY, HE INSISTED HE WILL NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU ON THE PHONE AND EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU IN PERSON SO AS TO AVOID MISTAKES OR MISINTERPRETATION. I believe he wants to explain some things categorically to you in regards to this transaction. THIS ATTORNEY IS A GOOD MAN FROM THE WAY I SEE HIM AND HE HAS PROMISED NEVER TO DISCLOSE THIS TO ANYONE.

ABOUT YOUR ATTORNEY, I SUGGEST YOU INVOLVE HIM FOR ADVICE AND DIRECTIONS BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO HEAR FROM OUR ATTORNEY FIRST AND SEEK HIS CONSENT BEFORE INVOLVING YOUR ATTORNEY. THIS TRANSACTION NEEDS LEGAL ADVICE AND SECRECY. I WOULD NOT WANT A SITUATION WHERE SO MANY PEOPLE WILL GET TO KNOW ABOUT IT. IT WILL BE DEADLY DANGEROUS TO US HERE IN NIGERIA.

THE ATTORNEY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT AUTHENTICATING, VALIDATING AND PROCURING NECESSARY DOCUMENTS THAT ARE NEEDED IN PROCESSING THIS CLAIM. WE HAVE HANDED OVER TO HIM SOME DOCUMENTS THAT ARE ON OUR DISPOSAL FOR HIM TO STUDY. HE PROMISED US A FEEDBACK TODAY. HE WILL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU HIMSELF. I AM ONLY TRYING TO HIGHLIGHT YOU ON OUR YESTERDAY’S MEETING.

THE ATTORNEY REQUESTS FOR A DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER WHERE HE CAN REACH YOU ON. DO I GIVE HIM THE ONE YOU SENT YESTERDAY OR WHAT DO I DO? I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM.

THANK YOU FOR SYMPATHISING WITH ME ON MY FATHER’S DEATH. I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERNS. MAY THE ALMIGHTY ALLAH BLESS YOU.

I AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE.

REGARDS,

AHMED BASHIR WADA NAS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: A copy of my damn passport

Sent: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 10:41:08

Wada Nas,

Glad to hear your meeting with the attorney went well. Sounds like the man knows what he’s doing. Damn good thing too, if you ask me. Last thing you want is to place your business affairs in the hands of some pettifogging shyster. Sure you’d agree.

Now then. This attorney chappie wants some identification, does he? Well, fair enough. I can see the sense in that. You’ll be entrusting me with a heap of money, so you’ve got to be sure you know who you’re dealing with. Not a problem. I’ve scanned in a copy of my passport and attached it to this email. Trust this will suffice.

Now that you’ve checked out my ID, what’s the chance of me seeing yours? Then we both know exactly who we’re dealing with. Scan it in and send it on, there’s a good chap.

By the way, you mentioned identity cards. Don’t have those damn things over here in England yet, although I have to say I can see the sense in them. Might help keep tabs on the damn Cornish, do you see? They get everywhere if you don’t watch ’em like a hawk.

Anyway, this attorney fella wants to speak to me on the phone, does he? Well, that makes sense. Trouble is, the damn phone’s still out of order. I live in a very small, remote village, and the blasted phone company obviously doesn’t see fixing my line as a priority. Making things dashed difficult, I’m sure you can appreciate. Was in the middle of organising the annual England for the English campaign conference when the lines went down, and that’s all gone to pot because no bugger can get in touch with me. Damn shame. So, you can give this attorney my phone number, but you’ll have to tell him that there’s still a problem on the line.

Given the problems I’m having with my damn phone at the moment, is there no way this attorney fella can send me an email? I’d hate to delay this hoo-hah just because my damn phone company can’t get its bloody act together. I’m all for pressing on. Think it’s for the best. What do you say?

Now then. I understand what you say about keeping this a secret. No need to worry about a thing. I won’t tell a soul. Shan’t get Welsby involved either, until I hear from your lawyer. Tell you what. Why not get the chap to send me an email today and tell me everything he needs to? Then we can press on and move forward and make some damn progress rather than sitting around twiddling our thumbs and waiting for the cows to come home.

Incidentally, talking about keeping this a secret, you keep on referring to “we” in your emails: “we met with the attorney”, “we have handed over to him some documents” and that sort of thing. Who’s this “we” you’re talking about? I thought this whole affair was just between you and I. Have you got someone else involved at your end? If we’re dealing with another partner here, do you not think I should know who it is? Please explain.

Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Those damn capital letters seem to have got the better of you again. Damn shame: you were doing so well. See what you can do about it. Here’s a tip: it’s the CAPS LOCK key you want to turn off. Give it a try. Might be easier than you think.

Gilbert’s forged passport
(Click to enlarge)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Acknowledgment

Sent: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 03:29:44 -0800 (PST)

DEAR SIR,

THANKS FOR YOUR QUICK RESPONSE. I AM ABOUT LEAVING THE SCHOOL LIBRARY BEFORE YOUR EMAIL CAME IN. THANK YOU ALSO FOR THE IDENTIFICATION. I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE ENOUGH. I DO NOT HAVE AN INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT YET AS I HAVE NEVER TRAVELLED OUT OF MY COUNTRY BEFORE BUT I WILL SEND YOU AN IDENTIFICATION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

I WILL BE GOING TO THE ATTORNEY’S OFFICE AS SOON AS I LEAVE HERE. I WILL ADVISE HIM ON YOUR REQUEST FOR HIM TO CONTACT YOU VIA EMAIL TILL YOUR PHONE WORKS. I HAVE ALSO PRINTED OUT THE IDENTIFICATION THAT YOU SENT SO THAT I WILL ALSO SUBMIT IT TO HIM.

TALKING ABOUT WE, IT IS ONLY I AND MY MOTHER. NO-ONE ELSE. SHE IS AWARE OF EVERYTHING. ALTHOUGH SHE HAS BEEN A HOUSEWIFE, BUT SHE IS INTELLIGENT AND I DO NOT BELIEVE SHE CAN BE OF ANY HARM TO THIS TRANSACTION. SHE IS MY MOTHER AND SHE VALUES MY SAFETY MORE THAN ANYONE IN THIS WHOLE WORLD. HOPE YOU ARE OK WITH THAT OR WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DECIDED TO OPEN A NEW EMAIL FOR SECURITY PURPOSES. I AM JUST WRITING YOU FROM IT.

THANK YOU.

REGARDS,

AHMED WADA NAS


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Let me know what the attorney thinks

Sent: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 13:34:21

Wada Nas,

Thank you for your email. Have to say, I wasn’t aware you were still at school. How old are you, little chap? I trust you’re not using this business as an excuse to neglect your studies and skip lessons. That wouldn’t do at all. Education. It’s the most important thing in life, you know. Well, that and a stiff upper lip, a straight back, a clean pair of shoes and a decent, healthy respect for your elders and betters. Put them all together and you’re set up for life, do you see?

Have to admit, I didn’t do all that well at school. Not really much of an academic, you see. Much more the practical, can-do kind of chap, that’s me. Learned all I know through the school of hard knocks and the university of life. Best education there is, you know. These public schools are all very well if you want to learn how to keep a straight bat and take a hot crumpet in the backside without blubbing, but they’re damn all use when it comes to teaching you about real life skills, do you hear?

Anyway, enough about me. Glad to hear your mother’s on the case and making sure you keep your nose clean. Send the dear lady my regards. Tell me, how old is she, your mother? Fine looking woman, is she? I’ll bet she is. Good for her.

Best of luck at the attorney’s office. What’s the chap's name, by the way? Anyway, let me know how you get on, won’t you? I expect to receive an email from him later today.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. You say your mother is “aware of everything” and “intelligent”. All well and good. In that case, ask her to show you how the damn CAPS LOCK key works on your blasted keyboard. Hurts my damn eyes, having to read all these bloody capital letters, do you see?


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: LEGAL PROCEDURES

Sent: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 17:04:29 -0500

ATTN: MESSRS WING COMMANDER GILBERT MURRAY, (RTD), LINCOLNSHIRE, UK

RE: YOUR TRANSACTION WITH MESSRS AHMED WADA NAS

This law office was briefed by the aforementioned to contact you in respect of fund transfer for investment purposes.

We are strategically and legally positioned to handle all legal formalities that will ensure that this transaction does and would not in anyway(s) breach or abrogate international and local legislations.

Messrs Ahmed Wada Nas & Co at the offer of this brief presented certain documents that were used to conduct search. The verification process did confirm the existence of the securities and finance company vis a vis that of the deposited fund.

Be it known that you are conducting this transaction in a trusteeship capacity, and it will be stated that the estate of the deceased is being passed on to you at the consent of the inheritor (Ahmed Bashir Wada Nas).

We had asked for your direct phone number, but were told that you prefer the correspondence be restricted to email until further notice.

This law office accepts the offer made by your partners for legal representation. However, it is logical and legally proper that you be heard from to confirm that you have given your blessing to this arrangement.

We are sincerely sorry to have bothered you with the presentation of an identification, here at our law office we like placing a face to every of our international and local clients.

This law office is indeed pleased at your compliance.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulakarime Dieng


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: What’s our next step?

Sent: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 09:52:36

Ding,

Thank you for your email. Nice to see you’re on the ball and all that. Good show. Well done.

Now then. Couple of questions for you before we go any further. Best to make sure we’ve got everything sorted out before we jump in at the deep end, don’t you think? No point jumping out of the plane before checking you’ve put on your parachute and not your damn kit bag, as old “Tigger” Morgan always used to say.

The man spoke from bitter personal experience: bailed out of a burning Lancaster over Germany back in 1944 in a bit of a rush, pulled the cord on what he thought was his parachute and found to his dismay that he’d put on his rucksack rather than his parachute by mistake. Damn fool would have been a goner for sure if he hadn’t landed slap bang on top of the largest trampoline factory this side of the Elbe. Poor chap didn’t stop bouncing for ten whole minutes apparently. Saved his life, but left him with a morbid fear of gymnastic apparatus for the rest of his life. Anyway, think on.

Right. These questions I was on about:

  1. You talk about “Messrs Ahmed Wada Nas & Co” in your email. I was under the impression that Wada Nas was still a schoolboy, but you’re referring to him as if he’s a company. Which is it? Does he have his own company, or is this just some cock-eyed legal way of referring to a client? I’m confused. Please explain.
  2. Should I get my own lawyer, Welsby, involved in this caper? He’s a damn fine lawyer and I’ve been using his services for over ten years now. Thought that he might come in useful at this end of things. What do you reckon? Give me the nod and I’ll get straight onto Welsby and get him to swing into action on our behalf.

Incidentally, I don’t “prefer” to correspond with you by email, as your missive implied. Much rather talk to you on the old telephone, man to man, but the lines are down at the moment after a hard winter storm. Thought Wada Nas would have explained that to you. Damn inconvenient. Anyway, email will do for now until the phone line is back up to scratch.

So, I take it that’s all the formalities over and done with. Damn good thing too. What’s our next step? Get back to me as soon as you can with answers to my questions, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: HAS HE CONTACTED YOU?

Sent: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 05:42:10 -0800 (PST)

Dear Sir,

How are you doing today? I met with attorney yesterday and submitted your passport copy to him. Has he written you yet? His name is Mr Abdulkarime Dieng. He promised to write you yesterday as I was in his office.

Thought I told you my age earlier. I am twenty-nine years old. I was born on the first of October 1976. I am a student of Ogun State University. My course is International Relations and I am very serious with my studies.

I gave my mother your regards yesterday and she was happy. She is a nice mother, good looking and about forty-five now. She send her regards also.

Until I hear from you.

Regards,

Ahmed Wada Nas


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: I have indeed heard from your attorney

Sent: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 15:57:36

Wada Nas,

Thank you for your email. You’ll be pleased to know that I have indeed heard from your attorney. I got Ding’s email first thing this morning, and I sent him a reply as soon as I could. Sounds like a decent chap. You’ve chosen well, if you ask me. Asked Ding a couple of questions. Still waiting for a response so that we can move forward.

I must say, I didn’t realise you were twenty-nine. Given that you were talking about working in the school library, I took it for granted that you were a young little whippersnapper in short trousers with a rolled-up copy of the Beano under your arm and a pea-shooter in your damn pocket. Sorry, old chap. My mistake. Anyway, glad to hear you’re keeping on top of your studies. Well done. Keep it up.

Nice to hear your mother’s happy too. She damn well should be happy, being blessed with such a fine young fella as you as a son. She’s a lucky lady. You tell her that from me.

Of course, her husband was murdered, so I suppose she isn’t all that lucky really. But you have to take the rough with the smooth, don’t you? How did your poor father die, by the way? You said he was killed by the government. Was he shot? Poisoned? Hung?

Don’t suppose you have any photos of you and your mother, do you? I’d be interested to see who I’m helping out here. Send ’em onto me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

I look forward to hearing back from this Ding chap. He’s not told me what the next step is yet. I’m sure he’s probably a busy man. Anyway, I’ll get back to you as soon as he gets back to me.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Good to see you’ve finally got the hang of those damn capital letters. I expect you got your mother to show you how to do it, like I suggested. Well done. Just be careful not to slip back into bad habits, eh? These old eyes aren’t quite what they used to be, do you hear?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng; Cc: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: I’m waiting for an answer to my questions

Sent: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 09:46:07

Ding,

To be perfectly frank, I’m disappointed that you’ve not had the courtesy to respond to the email I sent to you yesterday. I’m champing at the bit here, keen to move forward like a dog after a damn rabbit, but you’ve not got back to me and told me what we need to do next.

I can tell you now, my little friend Wada Nas won’t be pleased with this delay. And nor will his mother (a fine woman, from what I hear).

Kindly get back to me immediately with answers to my questions so that we can make some damn progress.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 08:22:30 -0500

Sir,

I must start this correspondence by apologising for the delayed response; it was because of a series of significant imperatives that kept me too busy to attend to mail responses.

I had actually intended get back to you with answers to your questions earlier than now, but could not as I had to dash out very early to attend to a case at the High Court of Justice unexpectedly.

Well, back to the main issue that must be addressed for us to progress with the business at hand. I crave your indulgence to respond to your questions in the order that you have asked the questions.

The answer to you number one question is that I have decided to see young Ahmed Wada Nas and the mother as partners and in the same vein referred to the young lad and the mother when I adopted the legal expression “Ahmed Wada Nas & Co”. The young lad is only a student and does not know anything about owning or constituting a company. Sorry if the expression had confused you.

Your second question has to do with whether you should involve your local lawyer or not. This to me does not seem much of a question as you are only seeking my advice on this line of thought. As a legal personality I will advise that you people limit yourselves to enlisting my services, as to engage the services of another lawyer will amount to duplication of function. Moreover, the legal matters must be taken care of here in Nigeria. Legally and logically it will create a network of confusion if two lawyers are on one matter.

Sir, the nature of this transaction demands that we be careful about the way and manner we handle it. If we expect to make good success then take my advice, because the late minister has too many enemies who would stop at nothing to frustrate his entire family.

I shall be communicating the steps that I have mapped out that will lead to the desired result as soon as I hear from you, then I will let you have an idea of what it will take to accomplish a smooth transfer in your favour as trustee.

I will render the best legal counsel knowing that your kind of personality demands nothing short of the best.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I will contact him on the phone

Sent: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 06:12:59 -0800 (PST)

Sir,

I like what you wrote the attorney because if we are not serious with them, they would not take us seriously. I wonder why he has not responded to your email but I believe he will respond as soon as practicable. I will also call him on the phone this afternoon to know why.

Regards,

Ahmed Wada Nas


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: That’s more like it

Sent: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:13:43

Ding,

Just got your email. Better late than never. Apologies accepted, by the way. I’m sure you’re a very busy man, being a lawyer and all that. Damn responsible job you’ve got there. Must keep you out of mischief.

Anyway, thanks for answering my questions so comprehensively. Much appreciated. You’re right when you say that I demand nothing but the best, and so far that’s what you seem to be delivering. If I may say so, you seem to be cut from the same legal cloth as the eminent Welsby. Well done. Keep it up.

Regarding my lawyer, Welsby, I only thought that he might come in useful if there were any legal loose ends to tie up at this end, but if you say you can handle everything yourself, I’m happy to take your word for it. You seem to know what you’re talking about, so I’ll take your advice and not bother Welsby with this business. Do let me know if you ever find you have too much on your plate though: I’m sure Welsby could step in and relieve you of some of your burden at a moment’s notice.

Now then. My little friend Wada Nas has some enemies, does he? Damn poor show. He seems like a fine little chap to me. Why on earth would he have any enemies? Presumably these would be the same people who murdered his poor father? Damn shame, if you ask me.

We knew how to deal with people like that in the RAF, I can tell you. Round ’em all up, put ’em in a field, and bomb the bastards. Worked every time. Of course, being retired now I don’t have the luxury of having one of the Royal Air Force’s elite bomber squadrons at my beck and call any more.

Ah, those were the days, I can tell you. Up with the larks, just enough time to wax the old moustache and down a cup of tea, then it was chocs away and up into the air with the rest of the crew, with a payload of heavy explosives all ready to unload on Johnny Enemy. Ah, it was a great way to see the world, the RAF. I’ve seen it all, I can tell you. Mostly from thousands of feet up, admittedly, but I’ve still seen it all. Different countries, different peoples, different cultures... and what’s more, I’ve bombed most of them all the way back into the bloody stone age.

Anyway, enough reminiscing about happy times. Back to business. Get back to me with details of what we do next, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: No need to worry your little head

Sent: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:15:26

Wada Nas,

Just got your email. No need to worry your little head over anything, my good chap. Ding got back to me in the end and we seem to be making progress. Damn good thing too.

Now then, when are you going to send me those photographs of you and your mother that you promised me? Send ’em on by return, there’s a good little fella.

Send my regards to your dear mother, won’t you? I’ll bet she’s a damn fine filly.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: No need to worry your little head

Sent: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 05:17:13 -0800 (PST)

Sir,

How are you doing today?

I will be sending you the requested photographs tomorrow. There is no scanner here in the library, so I need to go out and look for where to scan it. Sorry about that.

I did not meet with the attorney yesterday as he was not in the office at the time I visited. Hope all is moving well with both of you?

My mother sends her regards also.

Thank you,

Ahmed


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sent: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 08:55:33 -0500

Sir,

With this nod from you that I can go ahead with the formal processing of the claim and transfer of ownership of the lodgement made by the late Alhaji Wada Nas with the securities company in your favour, I am assuring you that you will get nothing but the best legal service.

You are to urgently send your complete personal information. This I intend to forward with an application as your representing attorney/counsel to the securities and finance company.

The court process will grant you approval as trustee to the fund and with the sworn affidavit affirming that you are legally, mentally and economically qualified to act in the trusteeship capacity, you (Mr Gilbert Murray) will be recognised as the appointed trustee, free to take decisions as to how best the fund is to be invested to the benefit of the young Ahmed Wada Nas.

The securities and finance company will then contact you to confirm if you are the appointed trustee, or better still you can contact the company. Consequent upon which you will be told by the securities company what is required for you to conclude the claim process.

Enquiry at company revealed that the securities company has her affiliate company located in Spain and that the contract package entered into with the original depositor had an execution clause that clearly stated that the trustee must come to Spain for the conclusion of the transaction. The original receipt that was used for the freighting of the fund and the certificate of deposit and right of claim, which legally is some form of change of ownership, would be required when you contact the Spain affiliate.

I have asked young Wada Nas and his mother to make available funds for the processing of the necessary legal paperwork needed to back up your trusteeship appointment. One thing you need know is that while this process is on, I need to submit the application to the local securities and finance company that originally was contracted to handle the transaction. The local company in turn will forward the application with recommendation to the Spanish company instructing that you (Mr Gilbert Murray) will finalise the transaction with the depositing of the affidavit, right of claim and certificate of deposit.

Mr Murray, I will ensure that this whole process of filing the application is initiated and completed early next week, as young Wada Nas is desirous to have this transaction consummated in good time.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: This all sounds very complicated

Sent: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 15:34:17

Ding,

Thank you for your email. I must say, this all sounds very complicated to me. Hope you’ll be able to clear up a few points that I’m not too clear on.

First of all, you’re talking about a “court process”. What’s this all about? Do I have to go to court for something? Will I have to travel to Nigeria for that? I wasn’t expecting that, I must say.

Secondly, this “sworn affidavit” you mentioned. What’s that all about then? And who’s going to swear it: me, you, little Wada Nas or somebody else?

Thirdly, what’s all this stuff about me having to travel to Spain? Not too sure if I approve of the Spanish, to tell you the truth, what with their funny little upside-down question marks, their damn siestas and their questionable attitudes towards animal welfare. All that bullfighting. Poncing about in fancy clothes waving a silk cloak around your head. All rather effeminate, if you ask me. We wouldn’t put up with goings-on like that here in Gypping in the Marsh, I can tell you that for nothing.

Still, if that’s what needs to be done, so be it. A little Iberian caper might prove to be a pleasant break from the cold English winter.

Fourthly, what’s all this about a “right of claim” and a “certificate of deposit”? Where the blazes am I supposed to lay my hands on those?

Looking forward to your prompt responses to my queries, Ding. Just need to get everything clear in my head and then it’ll all be plain sailing, do you see?

Oh, one more thing. You asked for my “complete personal information”. Exactly how “complete” does this have to be? Will my name and address be sufficient, or will you need additional information like my next of kin, my bank account details, my hat size, etc? Please clarify.

Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Everything’s under control, little fella

Sent: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 15:53:08

Wada Nas,

Thanks for the email. No need to worry; everything’s under control, little fella.

Ding seems to be sorting everything out at his end admirably. I must admit, I’m finding it a tad difficult to get my head around the damn legal process we have to go through to get this sorted, but I’m sure Ding will be able to explain it all to my satisfaction before too long.

Ding mentioned something about me having to travel to Spain to complete this whole shebang. That came as a bit of a surprise, I don’t mind telling you. Still, shouldn’t be too much of a problem. The old Spanish is a little rusty, mind – I learned what little Spanish I do know many years ago from a girl called Maria who I met when I was based in Gibraltar. Marvellous woman, she was. Met her in a bar one night. Never met anyone quite so gifted with the tongue... and her Spanish lessons weren’t that bad either.

Anyway, like I say, everything’s under control, so don’t you go worrying your little head. You concentrate on your studies, that’s my boy.

Looking forward to seeing these photos of you and your mother, I must say. Send her my best, won’t you?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sent: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 13:50:45 -0500

Sir,

I sincerely appreciate your swift response.

To the best of my wisdom I shall give frank responses to your questions. The process might seem complicated yet it is guaranteed that this transaction is smoothly consummated without hitches. Professionally, I have come up with the best approach based on my contemporary experience with fund transfers from Nigeria.

This basic fact prompted me to advise that engaging the services of another attorney will amount to duplication of function and mere waste of resources. Sir, you need not worry about the court process. You need not be in Nigeria or come to the court. As your representing attorney/counsel I will act on your behalf. The court registrar has been well briefed and since I enjoy a good relationship with the court judge every necessary paperwork will be approved in good time. It is for this reason particularly that I asked young Wada Nas and the mother to provide money urgently. The essence of this is to quicken the processing by scaling all bureaucratic bottlenecks. The Nigerian system can be made to work efficiently if the administrative mechanism is well greased.

The sworn affidavit protects you from any know Nigerian law that has to do with money laundering edicts. It will clearly define your role, as a trustee. You do not have to come down. Neither does young Wada Nas have to do it. My law office will take care of it by stating that you are our client and well known to us, and that your reputation is credible.

Your travelling to Spain is part of the contract clause that has given birth to this transaction, moreover; it is like the last wish of the late Alhaji Wada Nas. For several reasons it was obvious to the late Minister of Special Duties that there were forces against him here in this country. My reasoning is that he wanted this transaction to be concluded in a neutral and safe place. Since the securities company that he originally had packaged the transaction offered Spain, we are bound somehow to respect this will of his.

Mr Murray, I respect and share your resentment of the Spanish in every way, but will advise that you disregard all ill feelings and concentrate on the business at hand. It will only take you a few days and not more. Apart from this demand, it will also afford you the opportunity of getting out of your country and Lincolnshire for a change. What do you say?

The “certificate of deposit” and the “right of claim” will be sent to you by attached mail, and the security company will be notified that the trustee will be coming with scanned copies when honouring the appointment. The certificate of deposit is what gives you legal right to make claim, while the right of claim is a power of attorney of a sort from the Wada Nas family (son and mother) given to you acknowledging your authority and rights as the legal Trustee. It also gives you operational latitude and longitude in bringing the transaction to conclusion. Young Wada Nas will be handing over the original certificate of deposit to me tomorrow by 12 noon.

All that will be required, and that makes complete information about yourself, is your residential address, your name as it is stated in your international passport or national identification document, and lastly your age.

Mr Murray, it is not every time that one gets to deal with an intelligent client like you in legal practice. Well, the difference is that people in your part of the world are civilised and highly knowledgeable about most things to the point of making practice easy. I really do appreciate the privileged of handling this brief and only hope that in the near future you will have cause to engage our services.

I hope this mail makes the earlier mail less complicated and hazy.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: My personal details

Sent: Sun, 20 Feb 2005 10:34:28

Ding,

Just a quick note to thank you for explaining things so well and to give you the personal details you wanted. I think I’ve got everything clear in my head now.

Name: Wing Commander Gilbert Arnold Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK

Telephone: 01927 58367 (still out of order, I’m afraid; damn that telephone company)

Date of birth: 27th June 1952

Now that you have all the information you need, I trust we can move forward with the speed of a damn Vulcan bomber. So, what’s next? You need to send me some documents by the sound of things. Look forward to receiving them by return.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Regarding the damn Spanish. Glad to know that you feel the same way about them, but I hear what you say. I’ll do my best to put my feelings about them to one side for the duration of this transaction. Just as long as they don’t go waving their bloody castanets in my damn face, we should be alright.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: I’ve not received those photos yet

Sent: Sun, 20 Feb 2005 10:38:33

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Trust you and your mother are having a good weekend and you’re not getting up to any mischief.

Regarding this damn transaction, everything’s going smoothly. Ding seems to have everything under control, so no need to worry.

Now then. Those photos you promised me of you and your mother. Still not received the damn things. Send ’em on, will you? Looking forward to seeing your faces, do you see?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: My mummy’s pic and me

Sent: Sun, 20 Feb 2005 13:19:47 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

I want to inform you that only yesterday afternoon I handed over the certificate of deposit to the lawyer, where he also made me understand that the processing fee must be given to him if we are going to settle every aspect of the paperwork early this week.

Last Friday, when the lawyer asked my mother to provide some money, she thought she could raise this money from friends and relatives. But you know how it is when you have lost all friends because of my late father’s confrontational attitude as the present government puts it. She has only succeeded in getting a fraction of the bill that the lawyer gave us.

She really does not like bothering people, and would have preferred to raise this amount alone, but it is beginning to tell on her and it has become obvious that she cannot do it all alone. I am therefore soliciting your assistance in talking to the lawyer. Maybe you can assist in making up the required fee. The total fee is $4,752 (FOUR THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY TWO DOLLARS). What my mother has with her is $1,900 (ONE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS ONLY). Please let me know what to tell my mother.

I have attached her picture just as you requested, and she seems to be excited about it, as she is already praying to meet with you. Tell me sir; will you be prepared to have me as your adopted child? How many children do you have? Are you presently married? Will you have my mother as your mistress? I ask all this because we will want to become citizens of your great country.

Regards,

Ahmed Wada Nas

Ahmed’s mother
(Click to enlarge)

Ahmed Wada Nas
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Your mother’s a damn fine looking lady

Sent: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 10:06:36

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Thanks for sending on those pictures of you and your mother. I must say, she’s a damn fine looking lady. Bit of meat on the old bones, just how I like it, do you see? Gives a man something to hang onto, if you catch my drift.

Bit of a strange taste in clothes, if you don’t mind me saying. Looks like the hat she’s wearing is made from the same damn roll of wallpaper she’s holding in her arms. Just off to do some decorating, was she? A handy woman, your mother, obviously.

You say she’s excited about meeting me, eh? Well, I’m not surprised. Caught a glimpse of my passport photo and liked the cut of my jib, no doubt. Not badly preserved for my age, when all’s said and done. Pays to keep the old moustache firmly waxed.

Now then. In your last email, you offered me your mother as my mistress. Are you serious, man? Does your mother know that her son is acting as a damn pimp for her? Of course, if the old bird is up for it, I’d be a damn fool to turn down the offer. Not sure what the wife would make of it, but then she needn’t know. What a woman doesn’t know can’t hurt her, do you see?

I’m sure if we put our minds to it, we could work out some arrangement that everybody’s happy with. I’ve an old caravan in a friend’s field at the other end of the village. Bit of a state, to be honest, but nothing that a bit of elbow grease wouldn’t sort out. And with your mother’s obvious flair for decorating, I’m sure she could have it looking lovely in no time. Needs a woman’s touch, do you see? Well, don’t we all from time to time? Anyway, I could set you and your mother up in this damn caravan and visit her every now and again for a bit of how’s your father. You could make yourself scarce without too much trouble. You could go and feed the ducks for an hour or so. The wife Elizabeth need never know and everybody’s happy. What do you say?

Probably best if I talk to your mother directly about this, little fella. Could you get the old girl to send me an email and we’ll give the arrangements some thought?

Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Good day sir

Sent: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 06:06:13 -0800 (PST)

Sir,

I have read your last mail severally and can hardly find a place where you refer to the transaction at hand or the way out with the difficulties we are facing coming up with the balance of what the lawyer needs to complete the processing of documents.

I am worried more than you can imagine because my future in this world depends on what I make of this transaction. My mother does not know I told you about adopting her for a mistress; it is just that I know how it has been without a man for her all these days. And I hate to see her this way, perpetually unhappy.

When I asked her permission to forward her email address to you she showed so much surprise. However, I insisted on the grounds that you only want to write and find out if she is aware of my asking you to assist me. Please, take care when you reach her.

Sir, what is the position of things with the lawyer? What assistance can you render toward the completion of funds for the documentation? I will be anxiously waiting to hear from you today.

Attached below is my mother’s email address: princess_mwn1960@yahoo.com. She will be expecting your mail. Point of correction: what my mother has on her head in the picture is not wallpaper. It is a headgear (head tie). This is peculiar with African women and the African culture.

You seem not to be conversant with African history!

Regards,

Ahmed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: A progress update

Sent: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 15:02:22

Wada Nas,

Thank you for the email, little fella. Given what you’ve said, I think it’s probably best if I speak directly to your mother on this matter. Probably easier for two adults to sort out all this palaver, do you see? With this in mind, I will send the dear lady an email directly.

You seem worried about things, my little chap. I’ve told you before, there’s no need to worry. Ding seems to have a handle on everything, so just sit back and relax. Things have a way of sorting themselves out, in my experience. You should take my advice and concentrate on your studies. Don’t go worrying about grown-up matters. It won’t do any damn good.

Now then, for a progress update. The last thing Ding told me is that I was going to have to travel to Spain for this business. Can’t say I think much of the damn Spanish to tell the truth, but I shall just have to grin and bear it. Ding should also be sending me a couple of documents. I think that’s the next step. So don’t worry, little man: everything’s being taken care of. And don’t worry about your mother and the lawyer’s fees; I’m sure we’ll be able to sort something out.

Right then. I’ll get onto your mother and introduce myself to her.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. I get the picture about your mother’s outlandish headgear. Don’t see many hats like that around Gypping in the Marsh, I can tell you. Your mother’s got style, that’s for sure. And you’re damn right about me not knowing much about African history: aside from a couple of brief sorties over Suez, I’ve never had much to do with the damn place, to be honest. Still, that should all change once me and your mother get together.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: Allow me to introduce myself

Sent: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 15:04:08

Dear lady,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.). As you know, I’m the chap who’s helping you and your son out of a bit of a tight spot.

First of all, I hear that your husband was murdered by your damn government. Poor show. You have my sympathy: it must be damn inconvenient for you.

Now then. Your son, little Ahmed, tells me that you’re upset all the time because you’re missing the company of a man. Well I’ve seen a picture of you, and let me tell you, you’re a damn fine looking lady. There’s no reason you should be without a man for a day longer. Let me put it this way: I certainly wouldn’t kick you out of bed.

Little Ahmed tells me that you’re quite taken with me, and I can tell you right now that the feeling’s mutual. Ahmed’s suggested that you might be up for a bit of action when we meet up, if you get my drift. A little how’s your father. A roll in the hay, if you like. Well I can tell you now that I’m not averse to the idea myself. Have to keep it a secret from the wife, of course, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, I’m sure you’d agree.

So, dear lady, what do you think? Are you up for a bit of rumpy-pumpy with a retired RAF officer? I can tell you now, I may be retired, but I’ve still got my stamina. I can bang away all night like a shed door in a gale, to tell the truth.

Get back to me and let me know what you think, my dear. I don’t know about you, but I think the two of us could be damn good together.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Little Ahmed tells me you’re a dab hand at interior design. Well I’ve got a nice little caravan at the other end of the village that I could set you up in, if you like. Just needs a woman’s touch and a lick of paint here and there, do you see? It’d be damn perfect for our little liasons, I reckon.


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Update on the document processing

Sent: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 10:16:18 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I write to acknowledge receipt of your detailed information. With the receipt I can assure you that the paperwork will proceed accordingly subject to the availability of the processing fee.

As at the time of writing I am yet to see Master Wada Nas come to the law office with the promised balance. However, I have instructed my secretary to put a call through to him before the close of work today.

I will suggest that you assist the Wada Nas’ with the funding of the balance for the document processing should pose a problem, as you are their only partner on this project. The young lad may not have told you that presently the family is facing financial crush because of the obnoxious and repressive policies. I had made some sacrifice by accepting to handle this brief without being paid my professional fee.

Master Wada Nas has promised to settle all bills when the transaction is consummated and the fund is in your safe custody.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulkarim Dieng

Subject: What’s all this about fees?

Sent: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 16:17:52

Ding,

Thanks for the update. Good to hear that things are going to plan. Top hole. Well done and all that.

Now then. What’s all this about fees? Is there some sort of problem here? Surprised to hear that little Wada Nas and his mother are financially embarrassed at the moment, to be honest. The old trout seems to be able to afford to buy some rather expensive hats. Maybe she’s frittered the money away at the damn milliners. That’s women for you, eh?

Get back to me with a detailed explanation of all this damn fee malarky and I’ll what I can do to help out. Shouldn’t be a problem. Between you and me, Ding, things are looking rather promising between me and Mrs Wada Nas. Apparently the old girl fancies me, and I have to say that I wouldn’t say no to a roll between the old sheets with her either.

Anyway, I don’t want to speak too soon, but I don’t think it’ll be too long before Mrs Wada Nas and I get to know each other a lot better, if you know what I mean. So helping her out with a little bit of money here and there shouldn’t be a problem. She can pay me back in kind, do you see?

Anyway, get back to me with the details and I’ll see what I can do. Any more news on the Iberian front, by the way?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thank you for the update

Sent: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 01:31:12 -0800 (PST)

Sir,

I am glad at your response. I will worry no more as you have asked me to. I have told my mum that you sent her an email and believe she may be reading it by now as I am not in the school. I am trusting you with all my heart and hope not to be disappointed.

The fund in question, I believe will tell more of how my future will look like. You might be wondering why I am always interested in this fund, but never mind, it is all that my late father left behind for me. The rest are hatred and discriminations from our present government and its evil supporters.

I will find out from my mother on how things can be sorted out by both of you ASAP.

Regards,

Ahmed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Perhaps you can do me a favour in return

Sent: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 10:39:47

Wada Nas,

Thank you for the email, little man. Glad to hear you’re going to stop worrying. Bad for the old health, worrying, do you see?

I must say, I am looking forward to hearing back from your mother. She looks like a damn fine woman. I’m sure the two of us will get on like a house on fire.

Now then. It strikes me that I’m doing you a favour here, so perhaps you can do me a favour in return. We at the England for the English campaign are starting a new petition, hoping to free England from the unnatural ties that currently bind it to its damn European and Celtic neighbours. I’ve attached a petition to this email. Perhaps you could do me a favour and sign the damn thing for me, then scan it in and send it back?

This is something that’s very close to my heart. It’d mean a lot to me to have your support. Maybe you could ask your mother to sign it too. That’d be capital.

Now then, bear in mind that I need it back pretty sharpish, so print it out, sign it to show your support and send it back to me this week, do you hear? That’s the ticket. Good show.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Concerned to hear you’re not at school, my boy. Your studies. Damn important, do you see? You’d be a damn fool to neglect them.

Gilbert’s petition
(Click to enlarge)


From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Mariam!

Sent: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 08:00:08 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

Your mail gives me a glimpse of how rosy the future will be when this transfer is concluded.

Reading through your mail gives me the impression that my little boy Ahmed was divinely led to contacting you. I worried about the prevailing situation where I cannot generate enough money to meet the processing bills that the lawyer must take care of for you to be legitimately recognised as the trustee to the fund my late lovely husband lodged with the securities and finance company.

I agree to your passes and would want you to assure me that you will be the perfect gentleman that I look up to. How would your wife take this development if she ever finds out? What about you meeting with me in Ghana – a neutral place – before or after your trip to Spain?

I want a secured future for my son. What does adoption law in Lincolnshire look like? If you can have my little lad adopted it will be perfect. I have had disappointing promises from most people that I know. These are people that my father assisted when he was a minister. They find it difficult to assist me because of the fear of getting into the bad books of the repressive government.

If you assist with the balance, that will make for quick processing of the documents and my gratitude will know no bounds. I am counting on you and believing that you will never let us down.

Waiting for your follow up mail.

Lots of love,

Mimi


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: I’m honoured to have received a reply from you

Sent: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 17:02:32

Dear lady,

Thank you for your email. I’m honoured to have received a reply from you. Glad to hear we seem to be of the same mind. I have to admit, I nearly couldn’t contain myself when I saw your picture and your little boy told me you’d taken a fancy to me.

Can’t wait to meet you in the flesh. Haven’t looked forward to meeting a damn filly so much since I was stationed over in West Berlin back in the sixties. There was this woman I’d heard about called Helga, who could apparently do things that’d make your damn eyes pop out. Turned out to be double-jointed when I met her, the little vixen. Never seen anything like it in my damn life. That woman certainly opened my eyes. She opened up a few other things too, come to think of it. Couldn’t sit down for a week after seeing her for the first time. Don’t suppose you’re double-jointed by any chance, my dear?

Anyway, enough of that. You mentioned the wife. Think it’d be best off all round if she didn’t know anything about our little arrangement. Don’t think she’d understand. You know what women are like. Well, present company excepted, of course. Probably best if I just set you up in the caravan at the other end of the village and the wife knows nothing about it. Wouldn’t want to rock the boat, do you see?

Of course, that’d make adopting your little boy a bit difficult too. The wife’d be wondering who the hell he was. Probably best if he lives with you in the caravan. The dining table collapses and folds down into a double bed at night, so there’d be room for the two of you, do you see? Think the damn mechanism’s a bit dodgy, but a little bit of lubricating oil and we’ll soon sort it out. Not a problem.

Now then, what’s all this about helping you out with your balance? I had problems with my balance too, some years back. Kept on falling over all the damn time. Went to the doctor and it turned out to be a build up of hardened wax in the old ears. Very common problem, apparently. Got the damn ears syringed and it was all sorted. Suggest you do the same. You’ll probably wish you’d had it done years ago.

If I understand you correctly, you’re also after a bit of assistance paying off the damn lawyer. How much is it you need, my dear? Shouldn’t be a problem. Let me know and I’m sure we can sort something out.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Don’t know if your little boy’s mentioned my petition to you. Sent the damn thing to him this morning. Very dear to my heart. Would appreciate it greatly if you could sign it at the same time as him, my dear. See what you can do, there’s a love.


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: AS REQUESTED DETAIL

Sent: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 11:40:53 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, Lincolnshire, United Kingdom

Sir,

In response to your mail requesting to be updated of the status of the funding or better still lack of appropriate funding documents that will facilitate your trip to Spain to meet with the securities and finance company handling the transaction.

Sir, the main reason for the Spanish concern not getting in touch with you presently is because of our inability to have the documents completely processed. The usefulness of the documents cannot be underestimated because these various documents will give credence to your TRUSTEESHIP role. Mrs Mariam Wada Nas has only given $1,900 (ONE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS) and nothing for the processing. The balance amount needed for the completion of the documentation process is $2,852 (TWO THOUSAND, EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY-TWO UNITED STATES DOLLARS). I will use this medium to appeal to you to assist this good family in consummating this transaction, by raising the balance amount if it is convenient for you.

I am assuring you that if the balance can be raised today and you have it sent via Western Union money transfer system in favour of the Accounts Clerk of the law office:

Name: Douglas Ibeh

City: Lagos

Country: Nigeria

Test question: Colour?

Answer: Green

You are to send to us the Western Union MTCN number with the details of the sender. On receipt of the balance of the fees, the documents will be duly processed within 24 hours and copies sent for your perusal while other copies will be faxed as well to the company to enable them to communicate with you with payment details upon your arrival to Spain.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Got your response!

Sent: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 09:58:51 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

A million thanks for your interesting mail.

Glad to know that you are prepared to assist with the completion of the money needed to settle the legal bill for the paperwork. I already gave the lawyer $1,900 and need to give him an additional $2,852.

The total amount is $4,752 from the prudent calculation of the lawyer.

Waiting for your favourable and considerate reply.

Fondest thoughts,

Mimi


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: How much?!?

Sent: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 09:46:57

Dear lady,

How much money is this damn lawyer after? $4,752, just to process a couple of damn documents? Are you absolutely sure about all this?

I’ve paid a few legal bills in my time, I can tell you, but I’ve never had to pay one as high as that. My own lawyer, Welsby, provides a damn good legal service, but I’ve never had a bill for anything like that amount from him. The largest bill I’ve ever had from Welsby – for his legal services after an unfortunate incident in which a young lady friend of mine accidentally suffocated in my hotel room – was only a third of what Ding’s charging you and your son.

If you ask me, dear lady, this damn lawyer is trying to rip you off. Take it from a man who knows about these things. No doubt Ding is trying to take advantage of the fact that as a woman you probably know slightly less than bugger all about anything other than cooking and cleaning. And decorating too, in your case. Well, my dear, I’m not about to stand aside and let that happen. I’m going to get right onto Ding to see how he attempts to justify this outrageously high legal bill.

You leave it to me, my dear. I’ll sort it all out. You know I’ve got your best interests at heart.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. How’s that damn petition coming along? Have you and little Ahmed signed it yet? Get it back to me as soon as you can, there’s a dear.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: How can you possibly justify such a ridiculously high legal fee?

Sent: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 09:51:21

Ding,

Got your email. How can you possibly justify such a ridiculously high legal fee? $4,752! That’s almost two and a half thousand bloody pounds, man! How on earth can it possibly cost this much money to get a couple of damn documents signed?

To be perfectly frank, I’m concerned that you’re taking advantage of Mrs Wada Nas’ good nature and the fact that she’s a damn woman, and that you’re overcharging the old girl by a considerable degree.

Mrs Wada Nas may not know the first thing about the real world, but I can assure you that I do. And I simply cannot believe that it costs that much money to sort out a couple of damn documents. The old trout’s lucky to have me on her side now, and I can tell you that I’ll be looking out for her damn interests from now on.

Before another damn penny leaves Mrs Wada Nas’ pocket – or my own pocket, for that matter – I want a detailed breakdown of this damn legal bill by return. If I don’t get one by the end of the day, I will advise Mrs Wada Nas to find herself another lawyer. One who charges a reasonable fee.

Get back to me immediately.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WILL

Sent: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 01:54:12 -0800 (PST)

DEAR SIR,

I RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL. I WILL SIGN, SCAN AND SEND TO YOU THE FORM YOU REQUESTED THAT I HELP YOU ENDORSE.

REGARDS,

AHMED


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Good show

Sent: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 10:37:55

Wada Nas,

Good show, my boy. Well done. Look forward to receiving the form. Now then, don’t forget to get your mother to sign it as well, will you? And any other signatures you can get on top of that would help the cause immensely.

I tell you, my colleagues at the England for the English campaign will be damn impressed that I’ve managed to drum up support from as far away as Nigeria. Dai Llewellyn, Jock McTavish and Paddy O’Halloran will be especially pleased.

Pleased to say that your mother and I are getting along famously. Can’t wait to meet her in person. Looking forward to setting her up in that little caravan and getting to know her a whole lot better, if you catch my drift. She’s your mother, so I won’t go into detail, but I think you know where I’m coming from.

Now then, man to boy, I’m a bit worried that this damn lawyer chappie might be trying to rip off your mother. The amount he’s charging her for a couple of damn documents is outrageous. Well don’t you worry about a thing, little man. You leave it to me. I’ll get everything sorted out. I’ve got your mother’s best interests at heart, do you see?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Sorry to see that you’re backsliding on those damn capital letters again. Remember, it’s the CAPS LOCK key you want. Give it a tap, won’t you?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng; Cc: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: What the hell is happening at your end?

Sent: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 09:32:51

Ding,

What the hell is happening at your end? Why have you not shown me the courtesy of responding to the email I sent to you yesterday?

This is important business we are conducting here, not damn child’s play. You told me the other day that you would “render the best legal counsel knowing that your kind of personality demands nothing short of the best”. If that really is the case, then kindly start responding to my damn emails in a timely manner.

In case you did not receive the email I sent to you yesterday, I will repeat the point that I want you to clear up. What I want from you is a detailed breakdown of your damn legal bill, so that I can see precisely why it’s so damn high.

I have to tell you, Ding, you’re delaying things here. Little Wada Nas and his mother will not be pleased, I can tell you that for nothing.

Get back to me once with a satisfactory explanation. We won’t be moving forward until I receive one from you.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Cc: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: What’s the matter with this damn lawyer?

Sent: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 17:17:48

Dear lady,

Good day to you, my dear. I trust you are keeping well?

I don’t know what the matter is with this damn lawyer little Ahmed got me in touch with, but I haven’t heard a peep from him since Tuesday. I’m sure you’ll agree, that’s just not good enough.

Have you heard anything from the man? Ever since I sent him an email asking him to justify his outrageously high fees, he’s been as quiet as a church mouse with a mouth full of farmhouse cheddar.

I’m sitting here, poised like a torpedo in a tube, ready to jump into action on your behalf as soon as I hear word from Ding. And yet I’ve heard nothing from the man for days. This won’t do at all, do you hear?

Is there anything you can do to rouse the man to action, my dear lady? I contacted my damn bank today and made sure there was enough money in my current account to cover a trip to Spain plus a few thousand for any incidental expenses, but unless I hear something from Ding I just don’t know what to do.

I knew we should have got Welsby involved from the start. Didn’t I say so? Welsby may not be completely up to scratch with the ins and outs of the Nigerian legal system, but at least the man responds to his emails promptly, unlike this damn Ding.

Let me know what we can do to get this damn show back on the road, my dear. I’m getting damn tired of all these delays, to tell you the truth. My patience isn’t endless, do you see?

Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a dear.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Ahmed Wada Nas; Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Respond immediately or wave goodbye to and my damn money

Sent: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 11:21:45

Dear lady/Wada Nas/Ding,

What the hell is the matter with you people? Here we are, on the verge of a promising new business and personal relationship, and then all three of you suddenly go quiet.

Are you alright? I hope nothing bad has happened to you. Mind you, I have heard what a damn dangerous place Nigeria can be. Perhaps the three of you have been involved in a fatal accident on the Shagamu express road... perhaps you were all passengers in an aeroplane that has crashed, leaving no survivors... perhaps you have all been murdered by jealous business partners in an argument over damn cocoa beans? Things like that seem to go on all the time in your country, so I suppose it’s not out of the question. I certainly can’t think of any other damn reason why you’d suddenly break off contact. It’s damn rude of you, do you hear?

Well, I have had enough of all this faffing around. Either you get back to me immediately, or you can wave goodbye to me and my money.

You may be interested to hear that I’ve just received a damn interesting proposal from some chap called Abacha. Sounds damn lucrative. If I don’t hear back from you today, I’ve a good mind to drop your proposal like a bouncing bomb and move forward with Abacha instead. I must say, he presents himself in a damn professional manner, which puts the three of you to shame.

This is your last damn chance. After all I’ve done for the three of you, I’d hate to think you’d been wasting my time.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Regardless of whether we can move forward with this business or not, the offer of putting you up in the damn caravan still stands, Mrs Wada Nas. You look like you know how to have a good time, and I’d be more than happy to let you have a play with my joystick and examine my undercarriage while I check the operation of your flaps.


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This message was sent to you on February 24, 2005

Sent: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 06:25:58 -0800

This message was sent to you on February 24, 2005:


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry for delayed response!

Sent: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 06:37:06 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am in receipt of your mail and must confess that you seem not to appreciate the effort that this law office is channelling into making this easy for you to be recognised and accepted as TRUSTEE.

I have been reasonably considerate by not asking for 50% of my professional fee. The professional fee I have agreed to be paid at the conclusion of the transaction. I have known Mrs Wada Nas for years and cannot counsel her wrongly or take advantage of her by inflating the fee. You may not have evaluated the situation correctly; the transaction has certain unusual characteristics, which demand an unusual approach for an effective, smooth, hitch-free transaction.

The Estate Registry must endorse the approval of the transfer of ownership, and the High Courts too. This process can be frustrating because the Nigerian system works on gratifications. One must bend the roles, otherwise anything you wish to do could be submerged to a slow bureaucratic standstill, and who knows, we can wait for this approval for ages without getting one. The approval process has to clearly state that the late minister did not embezzle the fund, nor did he acquire the fund through any dubious means.

You may not understand the implication of delaying and not gratifying those charged with the approval process.

The lawyer who handled the Abacha family case got the family into a deep mess by not compromising to the advice to gratify officials that investigated the fund of the Abacha family estate. This transaction is unique in every way you can think.

You may think that the fund needed for the settlement of the bills is much, but I tell you that I have been prudent in negotiating the fee for the documentation.

I am stating in a tabular form the specifics of the bill context for your perusal:

SWORN AFFIDAVIT: $437.00
NOTARISATION: $855.00
STAMP DUTY: $720.00
ESTATE TAX EXEMPTION CERTIFICATE: $2,140.00
GRATIFICATIONS: $600.00
GRAND TOTAL: $4,752.00

Mr Gilbert, I want you to understand that the late Honourable Minister of Special Duties was considered confrontational by the present government and the government may not be satisfied with doing away with him. It will stop at nothing to frustrate and eliminate the entire Wada Nas family. So seizing the fund will be next to nothing to the government. This is the reason why we must compromise this bill and get the transaction settled soonest.

I hope this explanation will satisfy your query, craving your understanding.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: So, you are still alive after all

Sent: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 16:01:26

Ding,

Thank you for your email. Better late than never. I have to say, I didn’t get that email you claim to have sent me yesterday at all. Are you having problems with your damn email, or something? Anyway, glad to see you’re still with us.

Now then, thank you for the breakdown of the amount involved. I did wonder how the hell a couple of damn documents could cost so much money. Now I see. Bribery, eh? Corruption, is it? Rife in Nigeria, by the sound of it. Thought for a moment you were trying to fleece dear old Mrs Wada Nas. Well I can see now that you’re not trying to do anything of the sort.

Anyway, I’d like to apologise for doubting your integrity. Not something I do all that often, apologising. Well, it’s normally not worth apologising in the RAF; once you’ve bombed someone, you’ve bloody well bombed ’em, and if you’ve bombed the wrong damn person, no amount of apologies will make ’em feel any better about it. Anyway, hope you’ll be man enough to accept my apology. It’s sincerely meant.

So, now we’ve got the plane back on the damn runway, where do we go next? What’s our next step? Let me know.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Have you heard anything from Mrs Wada Nas over the past couple of days? I’ve not heard a damn word from her. Worried about the old girl. Hope she’s alright and all that.


From: Ahmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: DIENG WILL RESPOND PLEASE

Sent: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 09:43:51 -0800 (PST)

DEAREST GILBERT,

I MUST SAY I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR MANNER OF WRITING TODAY. YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT TODAY IS FRIDAY AND SUPPOSED TO BE A BLESSED DAY OF WORSHIP FOR WE MUSLIMS. I AM SURPRISED AT DIENG’S NON RESPONSE TO YOUR EMAILS. I HAVE ASKED MY LITTLE AHMED TO IMMEDIATELY RUSH TO HIS OFFICE AND FIND OUT WHY HE HAS NOT BEEN RESPONDING TO YOU.

MR DIENG IS A SERIOUS MAN THAT RESPECTS HIS PROFESSION AS A LAWYER. HE DOES NOT PLAY WITH HIS WORK, SO I ADVISE THAT YOU CALM DOWN AS HE WILL RESPOND TO YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. HE HAS THE INTEREST OF THIS TRANSACTION AT HEART AND CAN NEVER JOKE WITH IT.

LOTS OF LOVE,

MIMY


From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Dieng said he has written you

Sent: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 10:36:49 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

I drafted a letter and gave it to my little Ahmed to send to you on my behalf from the public library on his way to Mr Abdulkarim Dieng’s office an hour ago. There was a power failure here while I was reading your emails but the power was just restored a few seconds ago and I decided to write you myself.

Mr Dieng called me on the phone a few minutes ago and said he has been responding to your emails. Maybe there was a problem of receiving from your end, he said. He also said over the phone that he opened another email box today and wrote you from it because your response was not forthcoming. Please, confirm to me if you have received his email today.

He called because my son was at his office and he told me over the phone that Ahmed was accusing him of delaying the transaction right inside his office. Did you write Ahmed? He was very mad at the lawyer this evening. Please write Ahmed and calm him down. I would not want him to continue abusing the lawyer.

Dieng promised to sit up and conclude this transaction as soon as possible. He has been trying from the look of things, so I advise that you also calm down so that he can do a better job as he has promised. Also advise Ahmed to calm down please.

Waiting for your favourable reply.

Fondest thoughts,

Mimi


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas; Cc: Ahmed Wada Nas

Subject: Things seem to be back on track

Sent: Sat, 26 Feb 2005 08:21:27

Dear lady,

Just read your email, and the one that you sent to me through your little boy. He wrote the damn thing completely in capital letters again. Tell him to stop that, will you? Hurts my damn eyes.

Anyway, glad to say that things seem to be back on track with the man Ding. Assume he had some trouble with his email. Said he sent me one but I didn’t get it. Damn shoddy if you ask me. But Ding seems to have things in hand once again, so that’s good news.

Now then, little Ahmed, your mother’s asked me to ask you to stop abusing the damn lawyer. He may be a bit of a clot at times and seem like he’s got nothing but cheese between his damn ears, but that’s no reason to abuse the man, do you hear? You can leave that to me.

I’m going to spend this weekend clearing out all the rubbish from the old caravan. Might get the wife to get busy in there with some damn bleach afterwards to get the thing fit for human habitation again. I’ll tell her I’m thinking of renting it out as a holiday let, so don’t worry. I won’t say a word about our little arrangement, old girl. Tell me, when do you think you’ll be able to travel over here to England? How long have I got to sort the caravan out?

Now then. I’m sure that with things back on track, everything will be sorted out early next week. Just as long as Ding minds what he’s doing, there’ll be nothing to worry about.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Where’s that damn petition? I need it back now, do you hear?


From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Your email

Sent: Sat, 26 Feb 2005 05:15:22 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

Thanks so much for your update and advice. To be sincere with you, I never abused Dieng (the lawyer). All I asked him to do is to be more serious with his job and get this transaction completed as soon as possible. I told him so because you said he has not been responding to your emails. I will abuse him again if only he stops being serious with his job. He should not play with my future.

You said something about receiving a proposal from the Abacha family. What Abacha? Is it my late father’s mentor’s family from Kano, Nigeria? Please let me know. The family and ours are very close. The late Abacha’s first son (Mohammed) is my very close friend. He and the mother (Mariam Abacha) frequent our house. We are in a very cordial relationship with the family, so if really that they sent you a proposal, I can enquire from Abacha’s first son (Mohammed) if really they sent any proposal. Someone might be using their name, I guess. Can I investigate the proposal from him?

I will be sending you the proposal on Monday. We have all signed it but we do not have a scanner to scan it. I will scan it at the library on Monday. Please bear with us.

My mum said you complained of my capital letters. I am sorry. I would not use it again.

Regards,

Ahmed


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Decide now Sir

Sent: Sat, 26 Feb 2005 10:28:45 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray

Sir,

I am rather puzzled at your jibes. I hate it when people who do not have a clear idea of the ways things are done in societies different from theirs decide to reach conclusions that are corrosive in content and context.

You somehow created the impression that I was trying to rip off Mrs Wada Nas, because the lady came by my chambers and her attitude confirmed it. You may have a strong hold on her, as I can see that she is passionately interested in you, but I tell you that you may end up doing this transaction more harm than good.

My advice is that you withhold your amorous passes for now, and let’s proceed with the transaction. There is more than enough time for you to engage in your romance with her. Do you even think of the future of the lad? Or are you more concerned in the lady?

You have made an enquiry on what is to be done next. I most confess that I am fed up with repeating this all the time I respond to your mails. The way to go is to loan the amount needed by Mrs Wada Nas and her son, to conclude the document processing that is almost acting as a cog in the wheel of progress of this transaction. If you really like the lady the way you say, then waste no further time. Assist her, assist the boy.

I shall be waiting for your reply.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Don’t you get uppity with me, Ding

Sent: Sun, 27 Feb 2005 13:11:42

Ding,

Don’t you get uppity with me, my man. Remember who is paying your damn wages when all’s said and done. A little more humility would go a long way. Think on.

I apologised to you in my last damn email, and you haven’t thanked me for this at all. Damn impolite, if you ask me.

And don’t go moaning on about having to explain things to me more than once. If you are having to explain things to me more than once, it’s only because you didn’t explain them well enough to me in the first place. I’ve never had problems like this with Welsby, you know. He always manages to explain himself excellently.

Now then. Back to business. You need this damn money from me. What’s the best way for me to get it to you? Shall I send you a cheque, or transfer it into your bank account? Let me know and I’ll get the money to you as soon as I hear back from you.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Good news

Sent: Sun, 27 Feb 2005 15:07:55

Wada Nas,

Thank you for the email, little chap. Good news on the transaction front, I’m pleased to say. I’ve asked Ding to send me details of how I can send the money to him that he needs to process those damn documents. Should be making some serious progress before too long, at long last.

You asked about that Abacha chappie who contacted me the other week. You know him, you say? Well, what a small world. The chap is called Mohammed, come to think of it. He said he was the son of some bigwig who used to be at the top of the tree in the Nigerian government. It’s a small world, and no mistake.

Tell you what, I’ll get back onto this Abacha chappie and pass on your regards, and those of your mother.

Tell your mother I’ve been hard at work this weekend sprucing up that damn caravan for her. Should have it shining like a new damn pin by the time you and her travel over here. Tell her I’ve splashed out on some nice new satin sheets for the double bed. No doubt she’ll like the sound of that. She’ll be looking forward to trying ‘em out for the first time, do you see?

Anyway, she’s your mother, so let’s say no more about it.

I look forward to receiving that damn petition from you tomorrow. Don’t let me down now, will you, little man?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry Sir!

Sent: Sun, 27 Feb 2005 07:26:41 -0800

Attn: Commander Gilbert Murray

Sir,

Accept my candid apology if I sounded a little obtuse in my last mail to you. Bear with me sir. The prevailing situation where it was made to look as if I wanted the money for my personal use created the network of confusion.

Corruption is not strange to the system here. Everything works on gratification. Call it corruption if you like, but the fact remains that if you want things to work out well, as the saying goes, “when you are in Rome, act like the Romans”. Everything might seem unconventional but this is the acceptable way of achieving a resounding victory when it comes to matters to do with fund transfers.

I already accepted your apology earlier but felt that after that you still went ahead to pinch Madam against me. She has been acting strange since you gave her the idea that I was charging too much for the brief.

Now, coming to the issue of the mode of transfer; I had clearly stated that you should do the transfer by the Western Union money transfer system. The details for the transfer I already sent. Do you want me to send it again?

I promised you the best of legal counsel and services when I was introduced to you. I am still promising the same today.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Send me the details again

Sent: Sun, 27 Feb 2005 19:11:28

Ding,

Thank you for your email. Apology accepted and all that. Trust we can now get back to the decent working relationship we had before all this damn hoo-hah blew up in our faces.

So, I’m to send you the money by Western Union, am I? Never used it before, to tell you the truth, but I assume it’s easy enough to work out. Please do send me the details again. Got a bit confused with the old emails and can’t find your instructions, do you see? When do you need the money?

All this talk of corruption. Makes my damn blood boil, to tell the truth. But what can you do? And I’m not sure about all this “when in Rome” stuff. I was in Rome back in the seventies, and I don’t mind telling you that I didn’t act like a Roman at all. Far from it. I acted like the proud Englishman I am, do you hear? Forget all that stuff and nonsense about trying to speak the lingo. Just say what you want loudly and slowly and they get the message in the end. Works like a dream.

Well, it works like a dream most of the time, anyway. Did have a bit of an embarrassing incident in a brothel in the red light district back in ’73. Repeated myself over and over until I was blue in the damn face, but the madame didn’t understand what the hell I wanted at all. Ended up bringing me a pair of handcuffs, a rubber hose, a suction pump and a damn goat. Bloody foreigners.

Anyway, get back to me as soon as you can with these details and I’ll get the money to you before you know it.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry for the wrong impression created!

Sent: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 04:58:47 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray, Lincolnshire, United Kingdom

Sir,

It is not my intention to get uppity with you, neither is it my style to get uppity with my clients. I was probably getting too emotional about the unsavoury development here which somehow I felt you caused.

Madam approached me after I had received your mail to say she wants me to reduce the bill. This was after explaining to her why it has to be so and she accepted.

You will certainly be spending far more than what I am asking for the documentation if another lawyer is handling this transaction. I am sounding emphatic about this, but I am doing this for the belief and respect I had for the late Alhaji Wada Nas. I am rendering this service as a mark of honour to the sweet memory of the late minister of states, who until his death was the champion of the masses. He believed in people and invested so much in human beings. Sir, tell me did you ever meet him?

Find attached a mail earlier sent that explained the importance of the documentation process, and the connection with your trip to Spain. Also stated in the mail is the preferred mode of payment, the Western Union money transfer system, the reason bring that all other modes of transfer are riddled with delays. With the Western Union money transfer system you can send the money today and it will get to here today.


A copy of an earlier email, explaining how to transfer the money via Western Union, was attached to this email.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: You’ve confused me now

Sent: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 14:21:04

Ding,

You’ve confused me now. You said in your email that Mrs Wada Nas has told you that she wants you to reduce your bill. Does this mean that you’ve reduced the bill or not? I damn well hope so. Please clarify so that I know how much money to send you.

Thanks for sending me those details again. From what you say, this Western Union malarky sounds just the ticket. Quick and easy, that’s what we need, do you see?

You asked if I’ve ever met this dead Wada Nas chap. No, never met him in my life. His son, little Ahmed, got in touch with me over the internet. That’s how I know the family. Damn lucky man, that Wada Nas, to have a wife as attractive as Mrs Wada Nas. Damn shame he ended up getting murdered. Not so lucky after all, eh?

Anyway, let me know if you’ve reduced your damn bill or not and I’ll get the money to you as soon as is likely.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Where is my damn petition?

Sent: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 10:04:48

Wada Nas,

Where is my damn petition? Here I am, bending over backwards to help you and your mother, yet you can’t even seem to do the smallest thing to help me out.

You’ve promised to send me this petition now a number of times, yet I’ve received nothing from you. That just won’t do. Damn shoddy, do you hear me? Your late father wouldn’t be pleased, I can tell you that for nothing. Well I need the thing back now, so send it to me by return and let’s have no more damn excuses.

Now then, back to this damn transaction. Ding confused the hell out of me yesterday. He implied that your mother had got him to reduce his bill, but he didn’t tell me by how much, so I don’t know how much damn money to send him. These damn delays are becoming intolerable.

We wouldn’t have put up with nonsense like that back in the RAF, I can tell you. Ah, those were the days. Life was simple then. No damn lawyers to deal with back in those days. Simple case of get in your plane, take off, fly to some damn foreign country, bomb the hell out of the poor blighters on the ground, then back to base for a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake. Bliss.

Well, get that damn petition back to me today, or there’ll be trouble, do you hear? Can’t stand a man who says he’ll do something and then does something completely different. Even worse is a man who says he’ll do something and then does absolutely bugger all. Think on.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please don’t be confused!

Sent: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 02:25:45 -0800

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for reassuring me that you are indeed a serious client.

Mrs Wada Nas approached me for a reduction of the bill, and I did explain to her and young Wada Nas that there is virtually nothing that can be done about the bill, because of the nature of the transaction.

The approving officials already know the volume of the transaction, which was not declared in the certificate of deposit. They billed us based on the volume of the fund to be transferred.

Sir, I had to give you the comprehensive bill, but I want you to know that whatever you are sending, you should subtract $1,900 from the total bill ($4,752). I am happy that we have been able to resolve the deadlock that was almost frustrating the processing of the documents. I already deposited the processing fee made available by Mrs Wada Nas and receipt gotten for the value.

I am giving you a guarantee that if I receive the $2,852 unfailingly today, then you can be sure of going to conclude the transaction in Spain this week.

Waiting for your earliest response.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: I’ll see if I can transfer the money tomorrow

Sent: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 11:19:32

Ding,

Thank you for your email. Sorry to hear that old Mrs Wada Nas didn’t manage to beat you down on your damn fee. Bet she tried her best, though. She’s a feisty lady by the looks of it. Just how I like ’em.

Talking of ladies, it’s just occurred to me that I know next to nothing about you. Tell me, Ding, are you a ladies’ man? Are you married? Single? Any mistresses? Do you play the field, if you know what I mean? Or are you one of those chappies who prefers the company of men, as it were? Come to think of it, you’ve never mentioned women at all. That could explain it. Well, nothing to be ashamed of if you are. You can’t help it. Probably not your fault.

Had one of your sort under me when I was stationed in Cyprus back in the seventies. Camp Freddie we used to call him. Decent sort of chap, even if he did have a bit too strong a liking for wearing ladies’ frocks at inappropriate moments. Made up for it when the going got tough in the heat of battle, though. Just the sort of man you want to have around when you’re up against it and your back’s against the wall. And believe you me, Ding, whenever Camp Freddie was around, you made damn sure that your back was firmly up against the wall whenever you could.

Anyway, back to business. I won’t be able to travel into town today to transfer this damn money to you. Got a whole day’s work planned on this damn caravan Mrs Wada Nas is going to move into. Cleaned it out thoroughly over the weekend, but there’s still a bit of a farmyard smell when you go inside. I should never have let Farmer Gloucester keep his dogs in there, but there you go. We all make mistakes. I had no idea when I dumped the caravan in Gloucester’s field that I’d be wanting to install a mistress in there in four years’ time. Can’t have Mrs Wada Nas moving into a place that smells of damp dog. Just wouldn’t be right.

I’ll do my best to get into town tomorrow morning though. Go to the bank, withdraw the money and take it straight to the Western Union johnnies first thing. Shouldn’t be a problem, provided I can get the smell out of this damn caravan today.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Your petition sir!!

Sent: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 08:20:03 -0800 (PST)

Dear sir,

I am so sorry for the late response in sending your petition. It was not intentional. We went for an excursion outside the city (our whole class). I got my mum and a friend of mine signed it.

It is in black and white because the printer I used does not have colour, so bear with me sir.

I am doing fine here waiting for the completion of our transaction as you have assured me to stay cool.

Thank you sir for everything.

Ahmed

The completed petition
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Thanks for the petition

Sent: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 17:11:39

Wada Nas,

Thanks for the petition. Would have preferred to get it back from you sooner, but better late than never I suppose.

Shame it’s not in colour, but I suppose we can’t have everything. At least you’ll be able to buy yourself a new nice colour printer when we’ve finally got our hands on this damn money your father squirrelled away.

Glad to hear you’re staying cool, little man. No need to worry; everything’s on track now. I spent this afternoon giving that damn caravan you and your mother are going to move into a damn good scrub, and I’m off into town first thing in the morning to transfer the money to Ding so that he can get off his fat backside and start working on our behalf at long last.

Trust you’re looking after your dear mother? Take good care of her, lad, and send her my best regards. We’ll be seeing each other in person before too long now, no doubt. Can’t wait, myself. Especially looking forward to seeing your mother. Eager to get to know her better, do you see? Assume you’ll be able to keep out of the way when we want a little time to ourselves.

While we’re talking about you and your mother, do you have any idea when you’ll be travelling over here? Want to make sure everything’s nicely prepared for you both. Get a new gas bottle for the calor gas heater, empty out the chemical toilet, that sort of thing. Little things like that make all the difference when you move into a place if you ask me.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)


From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please assist

Sent: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 01:53:47 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

This comes to you to acknowledge receipt of your mail. I really want to know if you are in the position of assisting in concluding this transaction.

I am promising you that coming to the UK will not be a problem once the fund is in your custody. I will be sure of one thing, which is that my boy will have a secured future and that we are not going to be liabilities of any sort to you out there.

Gilbert, it will be better if we concentrate on the transaction at hand, and when it is fully executed then we can talk about you hosting me in Lincolnshire, in your caravan.

What is the position with the lawyer? I shall be going to see him later today.

Sorry about the boy, writing in capital letters. He will not do so again as I have reprimanded him strongly.

Hope to hear from you before going to the lawyer’s chambers.

Your lovely lady,

Mariam


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