scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Undertaker


In which Gilbert accepts an offer of money from Mrs Eve Alina, a widow who is apparently at death’s door and wishes to donate a large sum of money to a good Christian cause, while at the same time trying to deal with some rather disturbing assistants in the mortuary.

Cast of characters

  • Gilbert Murray – Manager of Murray’s Morticians Ltd.
  • Eve Alina – allegedly a widow at death’s door with a large amount of money to invest in a good Christian cause.
  • Dr JC Bapou - allegedly Director of the Foreign Remittance Department of a bank in the Ivory Coast.
  • Jude Cole - allegedly the bank’s barrister.


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: MY DEAR IN CHRIST

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 21:13:23 +0200

My dear in Christ,

PRAISE GOD, THE MOST BENEVOLENT. I am Mrs Eve T Alina, named person from the United Kingdom. I am married to the late Mr Russell Alina of blessed memory, who worked with the United Kingdom Embassy in Abidjan, Republic of Cote d’Ivoire, for nine years before he died in the year 2000. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both very devoted Christians.

Since his death I too have been battling with both cancer and fibroid. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $10.5 million (ten million, five hundred thousand US dollars) with an overseas financial institution.

Presently, this money is still with the financial institution. Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to my terminal ailments. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a Christian organisation or a devoted individual that will utilise this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want this Christian organisation or individual to use this money in all sincerity to fund churches, orphanages, widows and also propagating the word of God and to ensure that the society upholds the views and beliefs of the holy bible.

The holy bible emphasised so much on God’s benevolence and this has encouraged me to take this bold step. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband’s relatives are Muslim converts and I don’t want my husband’s hard-earned money to be misused by people I call unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I know that after death I will be with God, the most beneficent and the most merciful.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and also the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact details of the financial institution. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the rightful beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the Christian community where you reside to always pray for me.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a true devoted Christian, worthy of emulation. Whoever that wants to serve God must serve him in truth and in fairness. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Until I hear from you, my dreams will rest squarely on your shoulders.

Please reply through this email address. May the almighty God continue to guide and protect you.

Regards,

Your sister in Christ.

Mrs Eve T Alina


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: In response to your email

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 12:02:49

Dear Mrs Alina,

I have just read the email you sent to me. I do not know how you obtained my personal email address, or what made you write to me on this matter. However, I am a compassionate man and a devoted Christian, and I have to tell you that your pathetic tale of woe touched me greatly.

I am truly sorry to hear of the sorrow, pain and suffering that must have dominated your life in recent years. Not only have you had to cope with your dear husband dying on you, you are also having to battle with a terminal illness yourself, knowing that you will die soon yourself. And on top of this, you have to put up with living in the Ivory Coast. How much suffering can one woman take? In my experience, it’s well-nigh impossible to get a decent cup of tea abroad.

You sound like an honest, decent, God-fearing woman, with nothing but good in your heart. With that in mind, I would like to do all I can to relieve you of the burden of your late husband’s money, so that you will be able to die in peace, safe in the knowledge that it is being used in a good Christian manner.

I do hope that I can help you out, my dear lady. I await your response with baited breath.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: DEAR IN CHRIST, PLEASE CONTACT ME WITH THIS EMAIL BOX

Sent: Fri, 07 May 2004 08:55:19 +0100 (BST)

DEAR IN CHRIST Gilbert Murray,

Peace of the lord be with you. Amen.

I did not send this mail to you by mistake. I sent it because I want you to help the less privileged ones because God directed me to use you.

The fund was deposited in a fixed escrow account and only my late father’s foreign partner has the access to claim the fund, as written in the documents that were issued to him during the time of deposit.

This transaction is risk free as the money is safe in a bank. I have all the documents in my possession backing it up as my late husband gave them to me before his death, which I will send to you as soon as I finish my verifications.

Please answer these questions below:

  1. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
  2. ARE YOU MARRIED?
  3. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?

Can you be able to take care of this fund the way I want you to use it? Please notify me all this and send to me your picture and your full residential address. I will also do the same to you before I will give to you directives on how to get the fund transferred into your account and you will use it for the good works of the lord.

Remain blessed and please endeavour to reply to me fast because my days are numbered on earth.

Yours sincerely in Christ,

Mrs Eve T Alina

NB. PLEASE CALL ME ON 0022507623467 BUT DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION. WE WILL HAVE A CODE. IF YOU CALL, ASK ME WHAT IS MY CODE. I WILL SAY BLUE, SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE TALKING TO ME FOR SECURITY REASONS AS I HAVE EXPLAINED TO YOU IN MY FIRST MAIL.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: The information you requested

Sent: Fri, 07 May 2004 16:41:08

Dear Mrs Alina,

Thank you for responding to me so promptly. I can fully understand that you want to satisfy yourself that you are dealing with a decent Christian gentleman who will use your money in a good Christian manner once you are dead. I hope that this email will reassure you that I am precisely that type of person.

You raised a number of questions in your email. I will do my best to answer them to your satisfaction.

I am an undertaker by profession. I inherited my company, Murray’s Morticians, from my late father, Gilbert Snr, who I had the honour of laying out and burying myself. Murray’s Morticians is a small, family-run business, based in the remote hamlet of Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire. My wife, Elizabeth, looks after the accounts, while I manage the practical side of the business, aided by my two faithful assistants, Burke and Hare. My late father established Murray’s Morticians many decades ago, and we have an excellent reputation for carrying out our work with care, compassion and humility.

You asked whether I had any children. Elizabeth and I have just the one, a young boy who, in the family tradition, is also named Gilbert. I am hoping that Gilbert Jnr will take over the family business after me, and will have the honour of laying me out and arranging my funeral when the time comes.

You asked for my home address. It is Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK. You also asked for my photograph. I have attached one to this email. I would be grateful if you could send me a photograph of yourself in return.

You may be wondering what I plan to do with the money that you are so kindly offering me. With such a large amount, I am sure that I will be able to do a great deal of good.

The vicar of Saint Bodkin’s, our local parish church, is currently appealing for money to restore his magnificent organ, which is the largest in the county. With your money, the vicar could afford to get his enormous organ back to full working order.

I also hear that the local orphanage, Saint Bunty’s, is running short of funds, following the sad demise of their former benefactor. The orphanage went through a bit of a bad patch at the end of last year. I’m not quite sure exactly what went on, but I gather there was quite a bit of trouble there. There were even a number of deaths (which happily boosted our trade considerably: every cloud has a silver lining). The orphanage went through three different directors in a matter of weeks, one of whom, Madame Cholet, I am currently preparing for burial: although the poor woman died in December, the police did not release her body until they had completed their investigations last week. I am happy to say that the new director seems to have introduced some stability back into the place, but they are still very short of cash. With your money, I plan to set up a trust fund to finance the orphanage in perpetuity, thus helping over 100 little orphan boys and girls.

If you have no objections, I would also like to spend some of the money on a new hearse for my own business. Our old hearse is getting on a bit, and I was most embarrassed when it broke down on the way to a funeral last month. I am sure you will agree, dear lady, that purchasing a new hearse is a good Christian way of spending the money.

I must go. I am halfway through embalming the unfortunate Madame Cholet. As the body spent some considerable time in a ditch before being discovered, the cadaver is quite seriously decomposed and is requiring major reconstructive work, as the poor lady’s relatives are insisting on having an open coffin at the wake next week.

You mentioned that you would send me a number of documents relating to your late husband’s fund. I look forward to receiving those, as well as your picture, by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Bank information. Contact the bank immediately

Sent: Sun, 09 May 2004 13:43:05 +0100 (BST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

YOUR IDEA IS OK.

Thanks for your quick reply. I am very happy to hear from you. As a matter of fact, all documents backing up this transaction are in my possession, which I send to you.

I will like you to contact the bank and tell them that you are my late father’s foreign partner, that you wish to put up for claims of his funds and that all documents backing the funds up are in your possession.

I do not know how to talk to the bank as per your request, so it will be better for you to have direct contact with him as my late husband’s foreign partner. I believe since you are older and more experienced that you can explain better to him.

The bank’s contact is as follows:

Email: infobiao_baci@africamail.com

Tel: 0022505588297

Fax: 0022522428178

Please contact them now and tell them that you want the funds to be transferred into your account. I await your reply after contacting the bank, or call me on 0022507623467.

Yours truly,

Eve T Alina

The depository agreement
(Click to enlarge)

The certificate of deposit
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: Thank you for the documents

Sent: Sun, 09 May 2004 18:25:51

Dear Mrs Alina,

Thank you for your email, and for sending me the documents. They look very nice.

I am very pleased to hear that you approve of my plans for spending your late husband’s money. Mind you, with the huge sum you are talking about, I believe there will be lots of money left over to spend on other good Christian causes in and around the parish of Gypping in the Marsh. I believe that before too long, everyone living in the village will have cause to thank you for your unbelievable generosity.

You truly are a saint, my dear lady. In fact I am sorely tempted to write to the Pope, suggesting that he might like to add “Saint Eve” to the massed ranks of saints. However, being a Protestant, I’m not sure that the vicar of Saint Bodkin’s would approve. I will have to have a word with him and see if the Church of England makes people into saints. I’ll let you know.

You will be pleased to hear that I have finished embalming Madame Cholet’s body. I am sure that she will look wonderful for her wake. I have now entrusted her body into the care of Burke and Hare, my trusty assistants. They will ensure that no harm comes to the body before the wake: if you can trust anyone to treat a body with respect, it’s Burke and Hare.

Thank you for sending me details of how to contact the bank. However, I am slightly worried that the people at the bank will not believe me when I say that I am your late husband’s business partner. How can I convince them that this is the case?

Please advise. I will contact the bank as soon as I hear back from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GOD BLESS YOU. PLEASE CALL ME ON THE CHURCH NUMBER AND ASK OF ME. THEY WILL CONNECT YOU TO MY WARD

Sent: Mon, 10 May 2004 12:59:07 +0100 (BST)

MY DEAR IN CHRIST,

PEACE OF THE LORD DWELL WITH YOU. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR ABOUT, SINCE YOU HAVE THE DOCUMENTS IN YOUR POSSESSION. WHEN PUTTING UP THE CLAIMS TO THE BANK, SEND ALONG THE DOCUMENTS.

THIS CODE, A113A, WILL ENABLE THE BANK TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE TRULY THE FOREIGN PARTNER TO MY LATE HUSBAND. PLEASE FORWARD IT AS WELL TO THE BANK. DO NOT GIVE ANYBODY THIS CODE, AS IT GIVES DIRECT ACCESS TO THE FUND ACCOUNT. CALL ME ON 0022507623467.

I AWAIT YOUR CALL BEFORE CONTACTING THE BANK. YOU CAN AS WELL CALL THEM ON THE NUMBER IN THE AGREEMENT LETTER.

I AWAIT YOUR CALL.

YOURS IN CHRIST,

MRS T ALINA


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: I am rather confused now

Sent: Mon, 10 May 2004 15:06:48

Dear Mrs Alina,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry, my dear lady, but I fear that you have not quite grasped the reason for my concern. You have asked me to contact the bank, telling them that I am your late husband’s foreign business partner. However, I am worried that the bank will simply not believe that I am your late husband’s foreign business partner. After all, your late husband worked for the United Kingdom Embassy. I take it he was some kind of diplomat. Why on earth would he be in business with an undertaker? I am afraid that the bank may start asking awkward questions, and that I will not be able to answer them to their satisfaction.

What should I tell the bank to make them believe me? Perhaps I could tell the bank that your late husband collected funerary goods as a hobby, and that I, with my knowledge of the business of death, helped him to locate particularly fine pieces for his collection? Do you think this sounds plausible? Please advise.

I am also somewhat confused by the codes you have given me. You have given me two codes now: “Blue” and “A113A”. Which one should I use, and when? I apologise for my lack of understanding, but I am a simple village undertaker who has never dabbled in the world of international finance before, and all this talk of codes is most confusing.

Talking of the undertaking business, I am happy to report that business is agreeably brisk for me at the moment. Burke and Hare brought in another body only this morning. Mr Hare runs a lodging house in the village with his partner, and Mr Burke has a room there. Mr Hare seems to be most unfortunate in his choice of residents: this is the fifth resident of the lodging house who has died in as many weeks. Strangely enough, they all seem to have died of the same cause: asphyxiation, while under the influence of alcohol. Mr Hare tells me that a lot of the residents drink to excess, and he can only assume that they accidentally suffocate themselves in their pillows while asleep. I have suggested that perhaps Mr Hare should provide his residents with slightly thinner pillows to prevent this from happening again, but he has obviously not taken me up on my advice yet.

Never mind. It’s a terrible shame, but it is rather good for business, so I shouldn’t complain too much.

Incidentally, I mentioned in my last email that “everyone living in the village” would have cause to thank you for your unbelievable generosity. Upon reflection, I would like to revise that statement. Mr Liebkowitz, who lives in the village, is a Buddhist... well, he’s bald, he wears orange clothes every now and again and we never see him in church, so I’m assuming he’s a Buddhist. I know how keen you are for your late husband’s money to go towards good Christian causes, so please allow me to reassure you that Mr Liebkowitz will not benefit from your money in any way whatsoever. I will make sure of this myself.

Get back to me regarding the bank, my dear lady. I shall get in touch with the bank as soon as we have agreed what I should tell them.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Is there something wrong with your keyboard? The CAPS LOCK key appears to be stuck on. The same thing happened to me last year, when my wife Elizabeth spilt some embalming fluid onto it. Please sort it out: it makes your emails terribly difficult to read.


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONTACT THE BANK

Sent: Mon, 10 May 2004 20:19:30 +0100 (BST)

DEAR,

YOU ARE BLESSED IN JESUS’S NAME. YOU KNOW MY HEALTH CONDITION. YOUR MAIL IS TOO COMPLICATED FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND.

THE CODE IS AGREEMENT BLUE, DEPOSIT A113A. FORWARD IT THIS WAY TO THE BANK AND TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE MY LATE HUSBAND’S PARTNER. STOP PRESUMING. ANYTHING THE BANK ASKS OF YOU, CONTACT ME TO CLARIFY YOU BEFORE YOU ANSWER THEM.

CALL ME. ASK THEM TO CONNECT YOU TO MY HOSPITAL WARD.

I AWAIT YOUR REPLY.

YOURS IN CHRIST,

MRS T ALINA


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: I will contact the bank tomorrow

Sent: Mon, 10 May 2004 22:26:18

Dear Mrs Alina,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that you found my email too complicated to understand. I was not aware that your illness had affected your brain. Now that I know this, I will try to keep my emails as simple as possible so that you will be able to understand them, even with your reduced mental capacities. Do let me know if I use words that are too difficult for you to understand.

I will contact the bank tomorrow. I only hope that they accept what I tell them and believe that I am your late husband’s business partner.

I will get back to you as soon as I hear from the bank, and let you know if there is anything I need you to clarify.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Your CAPS LOCK key is still stuck on. If you can’t work out how to turn it off yourself, why not ask one of the nurses to show you how to release it?


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: OK

Sent: Tue, 11 May 2004 09:51:28 +0100 (BST)

DEAR IN CHRIST,

I GOT YOUR MAIL, BUT THE MANNER OF WORDS YOU USE IN ADDRESSING ME, I DO NOT LIKE IT. I AM A LADY WITH DIGNITY. MIND THE TYPE OF WORDS YOU USE ON ME.

GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS YOU CONTACT THE BANK. BETTER CALL THEM.

MRS T ALINA


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: I apologise if I have offended you

Sent: Tue, 11 May 2004 11:13:32

Dear Mrs Alina,

I have just received your email. Please accept my sincere apologies if I have offended you in any way: that was not my intention at all. I only assumed, when you said that you found my last email difficult to understand, that your illness had affected your mental faculties. If that is not the case, and this is the way you have always been, then I apologise.

I do hope that you will accept my heartfelt apology, Mrs Alina. Please believe me when I say that I have nothing but respect for you. I have never come across such a generous, warm and caring person in all my life. I admire you for what you are planning to do with your late husband’s money.

I will contact the bank later today, then get back to you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I see that you still have not managed to turn off your CAPS LOCK key. This makes your emails terribly difficult to read. Here’s a tip for you: it’s the one between the TAB and SHIFT keys on the left of your keyboard. Give it a press, there’s a dear.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank

Subject: Regarding the funds of the late Mr Russell Alina

Sent: Tue, 11 May 2004 11:31:44

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

I am writing to you regarding a fund of £10.5 million that the late Mr Russell Alina deposited with you on 1st February 2000.

Before his untimely death, I was Mr Alina’s business partner. He collected funerary goods as a hobby, and I helped him to locate particularly fine pieces for his collection: I am an undertaker by profession.

I have been corresponding with the unfortunate Mr Alina’s wife, Eve, who is now also tragically about to meet her maker. We have both agreed that as Mr Alina’s former business partner, I should claim the fund he deposited with you, and do good Christian works with it.

Mrs Alina asked me to quote the following code to you:

AGREEMENT BLUE, DEPOSIT A113A

I trust this means something to you.

I would like to arrange for Mr Alina’s funds to be transferred to me as soon as possible. Kindly let me know how we should go about this.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Dr JC Bapou

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Fund approval. Contact attorney

Sent: Tue, 11 May 2004 08:23:01 -0500

BANQUE INTERNATIONAL DE L’AFRIQUE DE L’OUEST
UNE NOUVELLE MANIERE DE VIVRE LA BANQUE
8-10 Avenue Joseph Anoma
01 BP 1274 Abidjan 01 – RCI
INTERNATIONAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT

Tel: 22505588297 /Fax: 22522428178

Attn: Gilbert Muray,

FROM THE DESK OF JC BAPOU, DIRECTOR, FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

Sequel to your application, this office has deemed it quite imperative to inform you that your late partner’s fund has been approved for onward payment into your nominated account.

You should therefore immediately forward the following documents as stated below:

  1. Certificate of legality
  2. Certificate of death/registration of our deceased customer
  3. Sworn affidavit from the Federal High Court of Justice

You will also come and sign the final release order of your fund as our banking procedures require.

Alternatively, you can contact our legal department to help you acquire these documents by email: jude_cole_chambers@hotmail.com.

Contact person: Barrister Jude Cole

Tel: 0022507623467

You are advised to comply with the directives of the legal attorney, Barrister Jude Cole, within 72 banking hours to enable us to proceed on your transactions.

On behalf of the management of this bank, do accept the hearty sympathy for the sudden death of our late customer.

Upon the receipt of the above documents, which is in the line with article of the nation’s banking ethics SECTION CRV, SUB-SECTION 36, AS AMENDED IN THE PHYSICAL YEAR OF 1996, this bank will immediately transfer your fund via telegraphic transfer (T/T).

Call me upon receipt on my private telephone number (0022505588297) urgently.

Once again, accept our condolence.

Anticipating your co-operations and confirmation.

Best regards,

Yours faithfully,

For BIAO, Cote d’Ivoire

DR JC BAPOU

DIRECTOR, FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: Thank you for your email

Sent: Tue, 11 May 2004 17:14:31

Dear Dr Bapou,

Thank you for your extremely detailed email. I must say, this is all very complicated, isn’t it?

Before we go any further, may I point out that my surname is spelled “Murray”, not “Muray”. It pays to get these things right.

Unfortunately, I am rushed off my feet today: my two assistants are unfortunately unavailable for work at the moment, so I am having to manage everything myself. However, I will confer with Mrs Alina, the dying widow of my deceased business partner, and get back to you as soon as I can. Please bear with me.

Thank you also for your kind condolences regarding the death of Mr Alina. Thankfully, in my line of work - I am an undertaker - death is commonplace. I’ve probably seen more dead bodies than you’ve had hot dinners, so Mr Alina’s death did not come as a shock to me.

Thank you again for your prompt response.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: The bank has been in touch

Sent: Tue, 11 May 2004 17:17:29

Dear Mrs Alina,

You will be pleased to hear that I have heard back from the bank. They responded very promptly to my enquiry. Dr Bapou, the fellow who contacted me, appears to be on the ball, which is good.

It all seems to be very complicated. I thought we were dealing with a simple transfer of funds, but this Dr Bapou from the bank has told me that I have to obtain all sorts of documents before he can transfer the money to me. I haven’t got the first idea how to get hold of the documents he requires. What do you suggest?

Unfortunately, things are not going well here in Gypping in the Marsh. I was working away quite happily in the mortuary with Burke and Hare this afternoon, draining the bodily fluids from the corpse they brought in yesterday, when to our surprise and amazement, the police burst in and arrested them both! One of the policemen announced that he was arresting them on suspicion of multiple counts of murder! I could not believe it. Burke and Hare have been the best assistants I have ever had. As well as being very diligent in their work, they have also brought in a lot of custom, thanks to the people who have died in Mr Hare’s lodging house. Now the police are accusing Burke and Hare of killing these people!

I have to admit, Mrs Alina, I am still in shock. I cannot believe that Burke and Hare are capable of such evil. Surely it cannot be true?

Well, whatever the truth of the matter, this does leave me in the lurch somewhat. I now have nobody to assist me in the mortuary, and we had another body brought in this morning to deal with (a fatal gardening accident). I am rushed off my feet. And mine is not the sort of work you can delay. Things tend to start to smell if you put off until tomorrow things that you should do today.

One of the police officers (Constable Painting - I buried his grandfather last month) told me not to expect Burke and Hare back for quite some time, if at all, so I shall have to advertise for a new assistant. I will place an advert in the Undertakers’ News tonight.

I am sorry to burden you with my problems, Mrs Alina, but today has been a terrible shock for me.

I look forward to hearing back from you with your advice on how I should deal with the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Dr JC Bapou

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent notification

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 04:50:49 -0500

Gilbert Murray,

You are requested to go through the approval letter very well. You either come down here or you will be given an alternative to use an attached attorney to the bank here, Barrister Jude Cole, who told us that his charges to get all the necessary documentation to enable the fund to get to your account will cost you the sum of $4,520, payable to Mr Moses Tarawally via Western Union money transfer or MoneyGram. Address to 2b Del Plato, Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire.

After sending the money you can forward the payment information to our email address so that we can forward it to him and give him all necessary instructions to get your fund to your account.

Call me on 0022505588297.

We await your call.

Yours sincerely,

JC Bapou


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: Regarding the funds of the late Mr Russell Alina

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 11:26:18

Dear Dr Bapou,

Thank you for your email. And thank you for spelling my name correctly this time. Following on from your email yesterday, I have been considering the best way of obtaining the documents I apparently need for this fund transfer to take place.

I would prefer not to travel to the Ivory Coast myself if at all possible. As I mentioned yesterday, things are rather fraught here at work, and I really cannot afford to be away from the mortuary at the moment. Therefore, I will definitely need some legal assistance in this matter.

Regarding my work problems, my assistants, Burke and Hare, have been arrested by the police on suspicion of murder. I am still in shock over this news. Unfortunately, this means that I am having to do the work of three men here at my funeral parlour (although, thinking about it, the workload should lessen now that Burke and Hare are in custody and are no longer killing people). I have placed an advertisement for a new assistant in the Undertakers’ News, and am hoping to take someone on as soon as possible.

You suggested in your email that I should use the services of your bank’s own lawyer, Jude Cole. However, I have used the same lawyer for the past ten years or more: Mr Welsby, of the firm Elton & Welsby. Welsby is highly regarded in Lincolnshire legal circles, and I have always found him to have a sharp legal mind. He proved himself particularly useful last year, after a most unfortunate misunderstanding involving a particularly heavy sleeper and a bottle of embalming fluid. Welsby managed to get all charges dropped. He is thoroughly decent and honest, and also charges a very fair fee. I wouldn’t mind betting that Welsby’s fee would be less than that charged by your own lawyer. Therefore, I would much prefer to use Welsby’s services in this business.

I trust that this is acceptable. Please let me know. I can contact Mr Welsby at a moment’s notice and ask him to swing into action on our behalf.

I would like to assure you that despite the problems I am facing at work at the moment, I will do my best to devote as much time and energy as possible to this business: it is extremely important to me.

Let me know about Welsby. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Dr JC Bapou

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Call now urgently for more clarifications

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 05:35:54 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

We received your mail. Call me on 0022505588297 for more clarifications and note that if you must use your attorney he must come down here to sign the final release order documents.

We await your call now.

Yours sincerely,

JC Bapou


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Call me

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 11:56:40 +0100 (BST)

Dear in Christ,

You will have to tell the bank that you need them to give you a legal attorney so that he can do all this for you and the fund will be transferred. I am sorry for your friends.

Send to me your telephone number since you cannot call me.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs T Alina


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: Discussions with the bank are ongoing

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 12:18:52

Dear Mrs Alina,

Thank you for your email. I am happy to say that events have overtaken us: Dr Bapou from the bank contacted me this morning, and we are currently discussing the best way to move forward. Thank you for your advice, though: I appreciate it.

Thank you also for your kind words about Burke and Hare. However, I must point out that they were not my friends; they were merely assistants in my funeral parlour. I am sure that I will be able to find another assistant who is just as suitable. Preferably one without homicidal tendencies.

I do so wish that I could call you, my dear lady. However, the entire village is having problems with its telephone service right now. The telephone company is replacing a lot of telegraph poles and as a result of this, our telephone service is at best intermittent. Things should be back to normal by next week. Fortunately, my satellite internet connection is unaffected.

By the way, you mentioned in an earlier email that you would send me your picture. Please send it to me by return: I would like to see who I am dealing with. I imagine that such a kind and generous woman as yourself probably has very fine and handsome features, even if they are etched by the inevitable lines that your pain, sorrow and suffering must have caused.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Congratulations on getting the hang of that CAPS LOCK key. Well done. Did you get one of the nurses to help you, or did you manage it all by yourself?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: I’m not sure Mr Welsby would be able to fly to the Ivory Coast

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 12:20:41

Dear Dr Bapou,

Thank you for your email. I’m not sure that Mr Welsby would be able to fly to the Ivory Coast to sign the final release order documents; I know for a fact that he has a deep-seated phobia of elephants. It all stems from a childhood incident at the zoo, apparently.

With this in mind, perhaps I will need to use the lawyer you recommended. Can you assure me that Ms Cole is up to the job? How well-trained is she, and what sort of experience does she have? I am sure you can appreciate that I don’t want to place my legal affairs in the hands of a wide-eyed young girl fresh out of law school. Please reassure me on this matter.

I wish I could telephone you to discuss this further, my dear fellow - things would be so much simpler if we could talk them over - but unfortunately we are experiencing problems with the telephone service in the village at the moment. The telephone company is replacing a lot of telegraph poles in the area - they tend to rot in the boggy ground - and as a result of this, our telephone service is at best intermittent. The telephone company has informed us that normal service should be resumed midway through next week. This is most unfortunate, and very inconvenient for my business. I count myself lucky that my satellite internet connection is unaffected.

Please send me details of Ms Cole’s experience and qualifications. If you can satisfy me that she is up to the job in hand, I will be happy to move forward.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: Why the delay?

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 16:36:08

Dear Dr Bapou,

I am disappointed not to have received a reply to my last email. I am keen to move forward with this business as quickly as possible.

I would be obliged if you could send me details of Ms Cole’s experience and qualifications by return. I am a cautious man by nature, and to be frank, I am unwilling to engage her services before I know how well-qualified the woman is to conduct our business.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Dr JC Bapou

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent notice

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 11:18:40 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Are you a joker? The way you communicate with this bank is absurd. The Legal Department’s attorney is a man and not “Mrs” and also should be addressed as “Barr”, not “Mr”. Take note. And he is qualified to take care of your documentation as he is attached to the bank, so go and make the payment by Western Union and send the payment information to this email address.

Yours sincerely,

JC Bapou


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: Re: Urgent notice

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 17:38:30

Dear Dr Bapou,

I am in receipt of your email. Frankly sir, I found it rude. To what do I owe such a petulant display of insolence? It sounds to me like someone has thrown their banking toys out of the pram.

How dare you insult me by calling me a “joker”, Dr Bapou? I am trying to conduct a serious business transaction here. As it happens, I am also going through an extremely difficult time at work. Let me tell you, Dr Bapou, as far as I see it, I have precious little to joke about at the moment.

As for your attorney, I am sorry if I have offended anyone by thinking that he was a woman. I assumed, quite naturally in my opinion, that “Jude” was short for “Judith”. My wife has a friend called Judith, and everybody calls her “Jude”, so this is an understandable mistake.

As for the difference between “Mr”, “Mrs”, “Barr” and what have you, how the devil am I supposed to know that? I am an undertaker, for God’s sake. I do not know the ins and outs of the legal profession, just as I do not expect this barrister to know the ins and outs of the undertaking business.

I have never been so insulted in all my life. I expect an apology from you, Dr Bapou. Then, and only then, we can move forward with this transaction.

Get back to me immediately, please.

Gilbert Murray

PS. As for calling the way I communicate “absurd”, I would advise you to take a long hard look at the way you communicate yourself. I have seen better spelling in a six-year old’s school exercise book.


From: Dr JC Bapou

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Notice

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 11:27:11 -0500

Give me your number so that I can call you to explain better.

JC Bapou


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: Re: Notice

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 17:43:24

Dear Dr Bapou,

I have already explained to you that my telephone line is currently out of order, as the telephone company is replacing the telegraph poles in the area. I live in a very remote village, and they unfortunately do not see us as a priority.

Nevertheless, my number is 01927 58367. You will probably find that it does not work at the moment. As I explained earlier, we are hoping that the line will be working again sometime next week.

I think we have got off on the wrong foot here. After you apologise to me for your insults, I suggest that we make a fresh start, Dr Bapou. Do you agree?

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: Dr Bapou has insulted me

Sent: Wed, 12 May 2004 19:54:28

Dear Mrs Alina,

I am sorry to have to say that Dr Bapou at the bank has insulted me. I do not know what provoked such an unwarranted barrage of abuse and insolence. I am deeply hurt. This is a very difficult time for me, and abuse like this does not help.

I am hoping that Dr Bapou will apologise, and continue with this transaction in a more businesslike manner. I have told Dr Bapou that I am willing to let bygones be bygones, and make a fresh start: we cannot let a little misunderstanding get in the way of this transaction. I am hoping that he feels the same way.

Could you possibly have a word with the man? I am sure he would listen to you, my dear lady. You have such a way with words.

Let me know how you get on.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Dr JC Bapou

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Notice

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 05:28:45 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

We received your mail but it looks to me that you are not the foreign partner to the deceased person because you do not look serious. Do as you have been told. Go and make the payment for the transfer documentation or stop all communications with this bank as we have other important things doing.

Yours sincerely,

JC Bapou


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SORRY ABOUT THAT

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 11:32:32 +0100 (BST)

DEAR IN CHRIST,

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL. FORGET ABOUT THE INSULT AND GET THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT. THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. TELL THEM TO DO THE TRANSFER TO YOUR ACCOUNT, OK?

I WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

MRS ALINA


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: Dr Bapou has insulted me again!

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 12:10:55

Dear Mrs Alina,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to say that I have just received another email from Dr Bapou, and the insolent fellow has insulted me again! He has told me that I “do not look serious”!

This is outrageous, Mrs Alina. I am trying to help you out here. I do not see why I should have to put up with insults from a merchant banker such as Dr Bapou.

I travelled into town and withdrew the money that I needed to transfer to the bank yesterday. I have it sitting here in the mortuary, ready to send. However, without receiving an apology from Dr Bapou, I am of a mind not to send it at all.

Please, Mrs Alina, have a word with this Bapou fellow and tell him to mind his manners. I will transfer the money to the bank as soon as I receive an apology from the man, but not before.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I see that your CAPS LOCK key has got stuck again. Perhaps you should invest in a new computer keyboard: I can only assume that yours is faulty.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: Mind your manners, sir

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 12:12:31

Dr Bapou,

I am in receipt of your email. Once again, I found it intolerably rude. Have you no manners? I do not understand what your problem is, Dr Bapou.

I withdrew the money that I need to transfer to you yesterday. However, I am not willing to transfer it to you until I receive an apology for the shameful way in which you have addressed me.

Send me an apology for your harsh and unwarranted words, or you can wave goodbye to me and my money.

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: Regarding the funds of the late Mr Russell Alina

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 14:28:23

Dear Mr Cole,

You may be aware that I have been corresponding with Dr JC Bapou regarding the funds of the late Mr Russell Alina, my dear departed business partner. I am working with Mr Alina’s widow to transfer these funds to my own bank account.

Unfortunately, Dr Bapou has seen fit to insult me on more than one occasion, for no reason whatsoever. I cannot understand why. I have never come across such an unprofessional bank official in all my life. My own bank manager, Nat West, is always the essence of politeness when I meet him.

Anyway, enough of the uncouth Dr Bapou. I am hoping that you will be able to help me. Dr Bapou has told me that in order to transfer my late business partner’s fund to my account, I need to obtain a certificate of legality, a death certificate and a sworn affidavit from the Federal High Court of Justice. Bapou suggested that you might be able to help me to obtain these documents. I was keen at first to use my own lawyer, but Bapou persuaded me that you are the best man for the job.

He also mentioned that there would be a fee involved, and that I should transfer this fee to a Mr Warawally. Could you please confirm that this is correct? Who is this Mr Warawally? And would it be simpler to transfer the fee over to you personally?

Please get back to me as soon as possible: I am keen to conclude this transaction quickly, and I am planning to travel into town later this afternoon, so I could transfer the money then. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Sorry about the confusion over your gender. It can be so difficult to tell a person’s sex these days, especially with some of the hairstyles and clothes they wear. I do hope you weren’t offended when I assumed from your rather effeminate name that you were a woman.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina; Cc: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: What is going on at this so-called bank?

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 16:46:41

Dear Mrs Alina,

I am sorry to report that I have heard nothing from this so-called “bank” all afternoon. I am starting to wonder if this “Dr Bapou” is all that he claims to be. I have certainly never come across such an ignorant and objectionable fellow in all the dealings I have had with banks.

I had a chat with the local vicar of Saint Bodkin’s this afternoon (he tells me that the Church of England doesn’t make people into saints, but never mind), and he warned me to be aware of fraudsters who operate over the internet. Apparently there are people out there who con people into sending them money upfront in return for a larger amount of money, which never arrives. The vicar tells me this is known as “advance fee fraud”. Apparently he nearly fell victim to it himself some time ago, and came close to losing all of the money he had collected for the restoration of his unusually-large organ.

I am beginning to wonder if this “Dr Bapou” is one of these fraudsters. After all, he asked me to send him an extremely large upfront fee almost as soon as we started corresponding. And the vicar told me that these fraudsters often give themselves away by their lamentably poor standard of English. This also fits: “Dr Bapou” appears to have the writing skills of a four year old child. What do you think, my dear lady? Is this so-called “Dr Bapou” for real, or is he nothing but a contemptible worthless con artist who is trying to deceive me?

I advise you to be careful, my dear lady. If you ask me, this “Dr Bapou” isn’t to be trusted. Is there any other way you can get your late husband’s money to me without involving this dodgy “bank”?

Incidentally, Mrs Alina, as you are going to die before too long, I was wondering if you had made any funeral arrangements? As I am in the business and you are a friend, I would like to offer to sort you out when you’re dead at a discount rate. It would be an honour for me. If you could just arrange to have your body shipped over here by diplomatic crate, I’ll have you stuffed and mounted in no time. What do you say?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: NOTIFICATION FROM COLE CHAMBERS

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 18:05:29 +0000

ATTN: MR MURRAY,

NOTICE FROM COLE CHAMBERS:

YOUR MAIL WAS RECEIVED. YES, WE HAVE INSTRUCTED THE BANK ON WHAT TO DO, SO YOU SHOULD FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS GIVEN TO YOU BY THE BANK.

MR MOSES TARAWALLY IS MY PERSONAL SECRETARY SO YOU CAN MAKE THE PAYMENT AND SEND TO MY EMAIL ADDRESS THE PAYMENT INFORMATIONS, OR CALL ME ON 0022505667206.

AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THE PAYMENT INFORMATIONS WE WILL GET THE BASIC TRANSFER DOCUMENTS FOR YOU SO THAT YOUR FUND CAN BE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT IN THE NEXT 48HRS.

WE AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

BARRISTER JUDE COLE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: I will transfer the money tomorrow morning

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 20:53:03

Dear Mr Cole,

Thank you for your email. To be perfectly honest with you, I was starting to doubt whether this whole transaction was for real or not. Dr Bapou has to be the rudest man I have ever come across, and I was starting to question whether or not he was actually a banker. I am happy now that I have received your email: it has satisfied my concerns.

Unfortunately, it is too late here to make the payment today. However, I am due to travel into town first thing tomorrow morning, so I shall visit my local Western Union agent then and transfer the money to Mr Tarawally. I will contact you as soon as I have done this.

I will contact you tomorrow as soon as the payment has been made.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You seem to have the same problem with your computer as Mrs Alina: the CAPS LOCK key appears to be stuck on. Do turn it off if you can: it makes your emails very difficult to read.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: The situation has improved

Sent: Thu, 13 May 2004 20:55:41

Dear Mrs Alina,

I am pleased to report that Mr Jude Cole, the barrister recommended by the bank, has been in touch with me. In stark contrast to the shady “Dr Bapou”, Mr Cole seems to be a level-headed and polite chap, who appears to know what he is talking about. I have arranged with Mr Cole to transfer his fee to him first thing tomorrow.

I am happy now that things seem to be back on track. If at all possible, I would prefer to keep “Dr Bapou” out of this whole business. The fellow has still not sent me an apology, and I refuse to deal with people who insult me. He was most offensive.

I will keep you informed as to our progress tomorrow.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: I have transferred the money to Mr Tarawally

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 09:32:36

Dear Mr Cole,

I have just returned from town, where I transferred the money you require to Mr Tarawally. I set off early and got to the Western Union agent just as it opened. I transferred £2,574: the equivalent in British pounds of $4,520. I trust this is acceptable.

I have to admit, I have never transferred money in this way before, and I was impressed at how quick and easy it was to make the transfer. The Western Union agent seemed to be having one or two problems with her computer, but despite that, the transfer only took a matter of minutes to make.

The agent told me that Mr Tarawally will need the following information to collect the money:

Sender’s name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Test question: Favourite author?

Test answer: Mary Shelley

Control number: 8342290434

The agent informed me that transfers via Western Union are instant, so Mr Tarawally should be able to pick up the money immediately.

What is our next step, Mr Cole? Presuming that Mr Tarawally collects your fee this morning, how long do you think it will take you to obtain the documents I need? Please let me know by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Good news at my end. I don’t know if you are aware of the staffing problems I am currently experiencing, but I have received an application for the post of assistant that I advertised in the Undertakers’ News. The applicant, a Mr Igor, looks extremely well-qualified. He is an East European chap, from somewhere in Romania I believe. He sounds ideal. I shall contact him and arrange an interview as soon as possible: I cannot continue doing everything myself around here. It is wearing me out.


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 09:45:48 +0000

ATTN: MR MURRAY,

I WILL BE SENDING MY SECRETARY TO THE WESTERN UNION TO GET THE MONEY. I WILL INFORM YOU ON THE NEXT STEP WHEN I COME BACK AND THE NEXT STEP SHOULD BE TO TRANSFER THE FUNDS TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

THE DOCUMENTS WILL TAKE ME 48HRS TO PROCURE AND SEND TO YOU BY COURIER SERVICE ORIGINAL COPIES FOR YOU TO SIGN AND SEND BACK AND ALSO KEEP THE ORIGINAL TO YOURSELF FOR REFERENCE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

BARR JUDE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: This is excellent news

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 11:04:38

Dear Mr Cole,

This is excellent news. When you say that the documents will take you 48 hours to procure, I assume that you actually mean 48 working hours?

I look forward to hearing back from you once Mr Tarawally has collected the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Your CAPS LOCK key is still stuck on. Perhaps it has been affected by the heat?


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT NOTIFICATION

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 10:47:14 +0000

DEAR MR MURRAY,

NOTICE YOUR MAIL RECEIPT BY THIS CHAMBERS DATED 14 MAY 2004.

THE WESTERN UNION SAY THAT THERE IS NO SUCH TRANSACTION SO PLEASE SEND THE PAYMENT SLIP TO US BY ATTACHMENT. SCAN AND SEND IT TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS URGENT.

YOU CAN CALL ME ON 0022505667206 IF YOU NEED ANY CLARIFICATIONS.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

BARR JUDE


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 10:56:40 +0000

DEAR MR MURRAY,

NOTICE YOUR MAIL RECEIPT BY THIS CHAMBERS DATED 14 MAY 2004.

THE WESTERN UNION SAY THAT THERE IS NO SUCH TRANSACTION SO PLEASE SEND THE PAYMENT SLIP TO US BY ATTACHMENT. SCAN AND SEND IT TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS URGENT NOW OR CALL ME ON 0022505667206.

YOU CAN CALL ME ON 0022505667206 IF YOU NEED ANY CLARIFICATIONS.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

BARR JUDE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: I apologise for the inconvenience

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 12:03:51

Dear Mr Cole,

I am most distressed to hear that Mr Tarawally was unable to collect the money that I transferred to him earlier today. As soon as I received your email, I contacted my local Western Union agent to find out what the problem was. The agent told me that Western Union have been having problems with their computer network in the UK for the past couple of days. I think I mentioned to you that the agent seemed to be experiencing some difficulty when she transferred my money this morning. The agent told me that my transfer had got “stuck” in the system.

The agent immediately contacted the Western Union network routing centre, and assures me that the problem has now been sorted out, so Mr Tarawally should now be able to collect the money from his local agent without any further problems.

Please accept my apologies for this problem, Mr Cole, and pass them on to Mr Tarawally on my behalf. It must have been awfully embarrassing for him to turn up at the Western Union office only to find that there was no money waiting for him. Delays like this are the last thing we need right now.

I have attached the receipt that the Western Union agent gave me this morning. Perhaps Mr Tarawally should print this out and take it with him when he goes back to the Western Union office.

Please let me know as soon as Mr Tarawally has collected the money.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

Gilbert’s forged Western Union receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: Has Mr Tarawally collected the money yet?

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 13:32:09

Dear Mr Cole,

Has Mr Tarawally collected the money yet?

Please let me know what is going on at your end.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: What is going on at your end?

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 14:33:47

Mr Cole,

What on earth is going on at your end? Has Mr Tarawally collected the money from his Western Union agent yet? You must keep me informed about what is going on, Mr Cole: this silence simply will not do. I’ve seen more signs of life in some of the cadavers I work with.

I must know what is going on. There is a lot of money at stake here. Start earning your not inconsiderable fee and get back to me immediately.

Gilbert Murray


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: HE IS NOT YET BACK

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 17:09:51 +0000

MR TARAWALLY IS NOT YET BACK.

BARR JUDE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: What on earth is Mr Tarawally doing?

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 18:32:32

Dear Mr Cole,

Thank you for your email. Mr Tarawally is not back yet, you say? How long can it possibly take the man to go to the Western Union office and pick up my money? Does he have no sense of urgency? This is no time for him to take his time and smell the daisies.

This is most disappointing. Please contact me the moment Mr Tarawally returns. I need to know that he has collected my money successfully.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT

Sent: Fri, 14 May 2004 19:18:44 +0000

ATTN: MR MURRAY,

THAT IS WRONG. YOU DID NOT DO THE TRANSFER. THE MONEY IS NOT THERE AS THE WESTERN UNION HERE SAID THE PAYMENT SLIP IS FORGED. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

CALL ME ON 0022505667206.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

BARR JUDE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: What do you mean?

Sent: Sat, 15 May 2004 09:16:28

Mr Cole,

What do you mean, “the payment slip is forged”?

I am confused. I simply scanned in the payment slip that my Western Union agent gave me and sent it to you. Your Western Union agent must be mistaken.

Are you sure this Tarawally chap knows what he’s doing? How dare you accuse me of being a forger? I am as honest a man as you are, Mr Cole.

I would advise you to send Tarawally right back to the Western Union agent and demand that they give him the money. I am not happy that my money has been hanging around in the Western Union system for so long.

Send Tarawally back to the Western Union agent immediately and get back to me, or I will be forced to rethink this whole affair.

Gilbert Murray

PS. I notice you still haven’t managed to sort out your CAPS LOCK key. See to it, will you?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: Problems with the bank

Sent: Sat, 15 May 2004 09:55:32

Dear Mrs Alina,

I am sorry to report that things are not going well. I am having terrible trouble in my dealings with the bank. It was bad enough having to put up with the intolerably rude Dr Bapou, a man who probably has to use a dictionary to spell his own name. And now I am having trouble with the bank’s lawyer. The man seems incapable of collecting his fee from the Western Union office.

It is a shame your late husband didn’t deposit his money in a more competent bank. The bank he did use seems to be staffed by complete morons if you ask me.

How are you, my dear lady? You have been terribly quiet for the past few days. Another day closer to death, eh? Never mind. Have you thought any more about my offer of embalming you once you have died?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Barr Jude Cole, urgent notice

Sent: Sat, 15 May 2004 10:17:06 +0000

Dear client,

The mistake is from your agent, I presume. Go and get back your money and go to the town since you say you are in the village and send the money again by yourself. That will be better.

We are delaying the transfer.

I await your reply and also need to hear your voice on the phone (0022505667206) urgently.

See that you go to town today and send the money by yourself by the Western Union money transfer main office, not from the agent, as the money is not reflecting at all in the computer here and they said the slip was typed. That means you took it home to do it but normally the transfer slip is filled with pen and not typed. Take note.

I await your fast reply by call.

Yours in service,

Barr Jude


From: Eve Alina

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You caused it

Sent: Sat, 15 May 2004 11:33:45 +0100 (BST)

Dear,

Are you praying for my death? You do not look serious at all. Are you out of your senses? I will tell the bank to stop all communications with you as you do not look trustworthy to have these funds to use it for the purpose.

Mrs Alina


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: A suggestion

Sent: Sun, 16 May 2004 07:54:02

Dear Mr Cole,

I am in receipt of your email. Frankly, I’m rather confused. You’re right in saying that I took the Western Union payment slip home to type it out. I did this because my handwriting is rather messy (my hands tend to shake, which my doctor puts down to too much time inhaling the fumes from the embalming fluid). However, this was quite acceptable to my Western Union agent.

You suggested that I should make a new transfer from Western Union’s head office. As this is presumably in London, there is no way I can travel there to make a new transfer.

However, as Mr Tarawally obviously seems incapable of getting to grips with the Western Union system, may I suggest an alternative method of getting the money to you? I will cancel the Western Union transfer tomorrow morning, and transfer it to you using the Guaranteed International Money Provision Service (GIMPS).

This costs a little more than a standard bank transfer, but apparently using GIMPS means that the money is transferred instantly – it is similar in this respect to Western Union. However, as the money moves directly from one bank account into another, it is more secure than the Western Union system.

Once I have made the transfer tomorrow, I will send you details, including a GIMPS code. Using GIMPS, the money does not appear automatically in your nominated bank account; for security reasons, you must go to a bank and fill in a GIMPS form to collect the money. As you work for a bank yourself, presumably this will be no trouble. Ask the cashier for a GIMPS form, and fill in the details I give you. The cashier will then be able to access the money via the GIMPS network, and transfer it to any account you nominate instantly.

The GIMPS network operates worldwide, and I have used it before myself to transfer money overseas, so I know how reliable it is.

Presuming this to be acceptable to you, I will contact you tomorrow morning as soon as I have cancelled the Western Union transfer and transferred your fee using GIMPS. May I advise that you fill in the GIMPS form yourself tomorrow, rather than sending Tarawally to do it for you? Given his performance over the past few days, I’m not sure that he’s capable of handling transactions like this.

Don’t worry, Mr Cole. I am sure we will get this situation sorted out before too long.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I see your CAPS LOCK key is now working. Did you buy a new keyboard?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina

Subject: Don’t worry, my dear. Everything is in hand

Sent: Sun, 16 May 2004 08:02:38

Dear Mrs Alina,

Please don’t worry, my dear. Everything is in hand with the bank. As we have had problems with the Western Union system, I am arranging to get Mr Cole’s fees to him using an alternative method. Everything should be sorted out by tomorrow. Trust me.

Incidentally, did I mention to you that I have received an application from a Mr Igor for the post of Mortuary Assistant? I am due to interview the fellow tomorrow. He sounds very well-qualified for the post, despite a number of unfortunate physical disabilities (the poor fellow has a limp, a speech impediment and a somewhat curved spine apparently), and has worked with the dead all his working life. His last employer apparently died tragically during an experiment involving experimental electrical equipment. Mr Igor says that he is willing to start work immediately, so as long as the interview goes well, I am hoping that he will be able to take some of the pressure off me very soon.

I will keep you informed as to our progress.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: NOTICE

Sent: Sun, 16 May 2004 14:32:47 +0000

DEAR CLIENT,

YOUR MAIL RECEIVED WAS WELL NOTED BUT I AM NOT AWARE OF THAT SYSTEM. THAT MEANS WE DO NOT USE IT HERE IN AFRICA, SO USE THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION OF OUR TREASURER TO SEND THE MONEY BANK TO BANK, OR ANOTHER MEANS IS BY MONEYGRAM. IT IS FASTER THAN BANK TO BANK TRANSFER.

CALL ME TO INFORM ME WHAT MEANS YOU PREFER BUT I WILL ADVISE MONEYGRAM. IT IS FASTER, SO USE MONEYGRAM. WHERE IT IS NOT POSSIBLE, USE BANK TO BANK TRANSFER TO THE ACCOUNT BELOW. TELL THE BANK THEY SHOULD USE SWIFT TRANSFER TO DO THE TRANSFER.

SEE ACCOUNT BELOW.

YOURS IN SERVICE,

BARR JUDE

NAME OF BANK: 23 BIAO - CI SIEGE PLATEAU

ADDRESS OF BANK: 08B, 10, AVENUE JOSEPH ANOMA, 01 01 BP 1274, ABIDJAN 01

TEL: 20.20.07.20

COMPENS: A ABIDJAN G

ACCOUNT NUMBER: A 0 0 42 01231 31350605104 03

ACCOUNT NAME: KOUAKOU KOUADIO JEAN PAUL, MARCORY ZONE 4, BP V 131, ABIDJAN


From: Jude Cole

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Notice

Sent: Mon, 17 May 2004 08:20:34 +0000

Dear client,

Good day. I have not heard from you today. Have you collected your money from the Western Union? Please inform.

Yours in service,

Barr Jude


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: I have transferred your fee to you again

Sent: Mon, 17 May 2004 10:03:08

Dear Mr Cole,

As promised, I travelled into town first thing this morning and cancelled the Western Union transfer I made. I then went to my bank, Bartletts, and transferred your fee to you via the GIMPS network. I checked at the bank before I made the transfer, and the cashier assured me that the GIMPS network is used by all major banks in the Ivory Coast, including the BIAO Bank, so you should be able to collect your fee without any problems. This email gives you the information you need to complete the GIMPS transfer and get the money.

To complete the GIMPS transfer and collect the money, you must go to your bank and ask the cashier for a GIMPS form, then fill in the following details on the form. The cashier will then be able to access the money via the GIMPS network, and transfer it into any account you nominate instantly:

Sending account name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Account number: 74053275

Sort code: 21-38-19

Account holding bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK

GIMPS code: 23F-57U-674G1T

Please let me know as soon as you have collected the money. Then perhaps we can move forward with this transaction at last. I have to say, Mr Cole, I am growing tired of all these delays at your end.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: Have you collected your fee yet?

Sent: Mon, 17 May 2004 15:09:32

Dear Mr Cole,

Have you collected your fee yet? I am eager to move forward with this transaction as soon as possible, so please let me know what is going on.

Regarding my undertaking business, you will be pleased to know that my interview with Mr Igor went extremely well today. I offered him the job and he accepted immediately. Mr Igor is certainly slightly eccentric - for example, he insists on calling me “Master”, which sounds quite bizarre with his speech impediment - but he certainly knows his stuff.

Mr Igor will be starting work later this week. I am allowing him to move into the loft above the mortuary. He has asked my permission to install some experimental electrical apparatus that he inherited from his former master, a Dr Stein. I told him that would not be a problem as long as he made a contribution towards the electricity bills, but he has explained to me that the equipment is powered by lightning (via a lightning conductor he is going to install on the roof), so I don’t need to worry about that.

It will be good to have an extra pair of hands around the place. And having Mr Igor live above the shop will be good for security too: people are less likely to break in if someone is on the premises at night. And if anyone were to break in, one look at Mr Igor’s scarred face (the result of botched surgery, apparently) would make them run a mile.

Get back to me by return and let me know what the situation is, there’s a good fellow.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Jude Cole

Subject: What’s going on, for God’s sake?

Sent: Mon, 17 May 2004 17:24:51

Mr Cole,

What’s going on at your end, for God’s sake? Have you collected the money?

Madame Cholet is more forthcoming with information than you are, and she was buried at Saint Bodkin’s last week.

Let me know what is happening at once, or I will have to consider investing my hard-earned cash in some other enterprise.

I am starting to think that you are just wasting my time.

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Eve Alina; Cc: Dr JC Bapou; Jude Cole

Subject: I have had enough of this ridiculous carry-on

Sent: Tue, 18 May 2004 10:49:34

Dear Mrs Alina,

I am sorry to have to say this, dear lady, but I have had enough of this ridiculous carry-on. Time after time, the wooden-headed Dr Bapou and his witless barrister Jude Cole have put obstacles in the way of our transaction.

I have been working away like a dervish at my end to relieve you of the heavy burden of your late husband’s immense fortune, but our best intentions have been blocked every step of the way by this pair’s blundering antics. To be honest, dear lady, I cannot believe that this pair have anything to do with the banking or legal profession; I have seen more professionalism displayed by the younger orphans at Saint Bunty’s during playtime.

I feel that this pair have wasted my time shamelessly. And I am not prepared to put up with it any longer. I have been contacted by a very nice chap called Abacha, who has put forward a very promising proposal to me. The goonish clowning of Bapou and Cole has made up my mind: I am going to cancel the transfer of Mr Cole’s fee, and use the money to work with Mr Abacha instead.

I apologise if this leaves you in a tight spot, my dear lady. Never mind. Look on the bright side: with your serious illness, you will soon be dead, so you won’t have to worry about it any more before too long. In fact you won’t have to worry about anything any more.

May death come swiftly to you, my dear.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. My offer of dealing with your body once you are dead still stands. My new assistant, Mr Igor, is particularly keen to get his hands on your corpse. He tells me he is planning to “reanimate” it. I assume this is some East European method of embalming that I have not encountered before. Kindly let me know when we can expect your lifeless cadaver to be delivered to our door.

Oh, before you die, could you ask them to pack you in plenty of ice, please? Mr Igor tells me that it is very important that your body has not decomposed too much in order for his technique to work.


From: Dr JC Bapou

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Notice

Sent: Tue, 18 May 2004 06:40:05 -0500

Do not contact this bank again.

JC Bapou


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr JC Bapou

Subject: Re: Notice

Sent: Tue, 18 May 2004 12:43:05

Dear Dr Bapou,

After your lamentable performance over the past few weeks, I am hardly likely to want to contact your so-called “bank” again.

I would feel safer flushing my money down the toilet than investing it with you.

Gilbert Murray


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