scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Vicar V


In which Reverend Murray is asked to help the widow of Nigeria’s ex-dictator to hide away her family’s ill-gotten fortune, out of the reach of the Nigerian government. What will Mrs Abacha make of Gilbert’s recent conversion to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal? What will she make of Gilbert’s new verger? And will she be willing to give Gilbert’s unusually large organ the attention it deserves?

Cast of characters

  • Gilbert Murray – vicar of Saint Bodkin’s Church, Gypping in the Marsh.
  • Beaker – Reverend Murray’s new verger.
  • Mariam Abacha – allegedly the widow of General Sani Abacha, the former Head of State of Nigeria.
  • Barrister John Bernard – allegedly Mrs Abacha’s personal attorney.
  • Barrister Okeke – a fake rival scammer, introduced into proceedings by Gilbert to put pressure on the real scammers.


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Greetings And Reply!!!

Sent: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 04:22:55 +0100 (BST)

ATLAS OIL NIGERIA LIMITED (a subsidiary of Abacha Real Estates)

From the desk of her excellency, Dr Mrs Mariam Abacha

Dear,

This might seem very deplorable for a person that you do not know but as the title implies I am Dr Mariam Abacha, wife of the late General Sani Abacha. I am contacting you due to the present situation as regards the special panel set up by the present democratic administration in my country (Nigeria) under the anti-corruption law passed mainly to recover what they termed Abacha’s looted money.

This law is yet another smear campaign aimed to frustrate, humiliate, dismember and widen the scope of hatred to family. A personal vendetta by president Obasanjo who was jailed by my husband’s government for plotting a coup d’etat against his administration.

This highly calculated attempt by this administration cum Swiss government through bilateral relationship has taken away from us over $1.4 billion in Switzerland.

The rampaging situation in our accounts abroad has yielded to the barbaric pressure and just last month we were squished out of another $39 million and all these funds can be ascertained independently. You may wish to confirm this from a leading newspaper in Nigeria (this day) from their website at www.thisdayonline.com from the archives section in the March 10, 2002, January 26, 2002 and February 21, 2002 editions. This government is bent on destroying our family.

You may be aware that my son (Mohammed), heir apparent to the family just got out of prison after three years of detention. Therefore, I am soliciting for genuine partners that I can invest the family fortune that is scattered all over the world. According to my estimation in West Africa alone we still have about $85 million in cash in a security company that we intend to invest abroad through your assistance.

For the purpose of investment in area of your interest, contact me as handsome reward of 30% of the total sum awaits you, subject to our negotiation and agreement.

You can contact me via my email for security reason for further details for now. In the event of you not being interested in this proposal, endeavour to keep this highly confidential! Thanks and God bless!

Sincerely,

Dr Mrs Mariam Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: Regarding your fascinating email

Sent: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:59:24

Dear Mrs Abacha,

I have just read the email you sent to me. Firstly, may I offer you my sincere condolences regarding your late husband’s unfortunate demise. I have heard tell that your late husband had his faults – in fact from what I have heard, it sounds as if he was a bit of a monster – but losing a loved one is never easy, all the same.

Things must have been very difficult for you after your late husband’s death, and I am saddened to hear that the current Nigerian government is still attempting to deprive you and your family of the millions that your husband stole from the state. Can they not forgive and forget, one is forced to ask oneself?

Now then, to your proposal. I have to say that I found it extremely attractive. As vicar of Saint Bodkin’s church in Gypping in the Marsh, I am currently searching for a source of funding to restore the church organ (I have the largest organ in Lincolnshire), so I could definitely put the money that you are offering me to good use.

However, I have to admit that I am a trifle concerned that if I were to help you out in this business I may get into trouble myself with the Nigerian government. The last thing I want is to wake up in the morning to find a gang of Nigerian debt collectors banging on the church door and demanding that we give up our silver plate.

Would you be able to give me your word that if I were to get involved in this business, there would be no danger of such a thing happening? I am sure that you can understand that a man in my position has to be careful. I don’t want to get myself involved in anything that could get me into trouble with the authorities.

With this in mind, I would be grateful if you could send me further details of this business, Mrs Abacha, and if you could do your best to quell my misgivings. I look forward to hearing from you.

May the Great Prophet Noel grant your late husband eternal peace.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Very Urgent

Sent: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 21:02:20 +0100 (BST)

Dear Murray,

Thank you for your mail, first and foremost I must assure you that this business will be very successful and has no legal implications whatsoever as I have investigated and found out that no risk involved or any trouble on it, because our family attorney will provide all the necessary documents needed in order to claim this money out, I am willing to do this business with you, thank you for your time and attention.

So you have to feel very free with me as I am now beginning to trust you and promise that I will never let you down, I want to have that promise from you also. I believe that it is God that brought us together to do this business and I assure you that with your full co-operation in this business it is going to be very successful.

Please send me your private telephone number and your home address so that I will start processing the payment of the funds accordingly and like I said before a handsome reward of 30% of the total sum will be for you.

Sincerely,

Mariam Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: I have one remaining concern

Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 08:51:58

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for responding to my email so promptly and for reassuring me that there is absolutely no risk involved in this business. I am happy to accept your word on this – the word of a lady.

Thank you also for your assurance that you will never let me down. I am happy to give you the same assurance. As a man of the church, my word is my bond.

This proposal of yours really is very tempting indeed. As I mentioned in my last email, I am on the lookout for funds to restore my church organ. But with the amount of money you are talking about I could afford not only to restore my unusually large organ, but to reroof the nave, repoint the masonry in the tower, shore up the footings of the south porch... in fact there are no end of jobs that need doing to the church that this money would enable me to carry out.

However, I do have one remaining concern. You mentioned in your initial email that your son, Mohammed, had just been released from prison. I don’t mean any disrespect towards your son, but a man in my position has to be very careful who he associates with, and it wouldn’t do for me to get myself involved with a criminal. Tell me, my dear lady, what offence was your son imprisoned for? And, more importantly, has he fully repented for whatever heinous behaviour it was that earned him a custodial sentence?

I must go: I have just taken on a new Verger and he is due to pop into the church this morning so that I can show him the ropes. I can’t tell you what a blessed relief it will be to have a new Verger: I have been without one for nearly two years now. The previous Verger is away on a seven-year sabbatical polishing the silverware in Pentonville chapel and he isn’t due to return for another five years (or one and a half with good behaviour). I am sure that the new Verger – a Mr Beaker, who used to work for a local inventor – will be more than capable of filling the old Verger’s shoes.

Please get back to me as soon as you can with more details of your son’s misdemeanours. Depending on the severity of his offences, I may unfortunately be forced to turn down your proposal: I have my reputation to think of.

May the Great Prophet Noel watch over you in everything that you do and provide useful guidance wherever necessary.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent!!!

Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 13:38:45 +0100 (BST)

Dear Murray,

Thanks for your mail and I am very happy to hear from you and upon the claim of the funds, I would like that your esteemed firm to invest the funds in projects that cannot be traced to my family.

Once your response, indicating your willingness to assist me on the above, I will send an urgent message to our family lawyer, who will provide all the necessary documents needed in order to claim this money out.

My eldest son Mohammed Abacha was falsely accused of murder and was imprisoned, thanks to Allah, he has been released of his innocence. Please view this site and read its content carefully:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/468903.stm

Thanks be to almighty God who brought my son out from prison, and clean all the allegations levelled against him after the death of my husband General Sani Abacha (former Nigerian military Head of State) with the help of the former Senate President Chief Anyim Pius Anyim and the Speaker of the Lower House Alhaji Ghali Na’abba, who help release my son from prison.

Please send me your private telephone number and your home address and like I said before a handsome reward of 30% of the total sum will be for you. 60% will be for my family and the remaining 10% will be invested in charity organisations.

Sincerely,

Mariam Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: I am willing to proceed provided that your son has no involvement in this business

Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 15:36:22

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for your email. I must say, I was shocked and disappointed to hear that your son had been imprisoned on a murder charge. I had been hoping that he had been imprisoned for some relatively minor offence – some unpaid parking tickets or a drunk and disorderly charge, for example. I had no idea that he had been accused of murder.

After I had read your email, my first reaction was to forget about this whole business altogether – after all, a man in my position can’t go associating himself with murderers. However, upon reflection, I could do a lot of good works with the money you are offering me, and chances like this only come along once in a blue moon. I was unsure about what to do, so I prayed to the Great Prophet Noel for guidance.

Having prayed long and hard, I have decided that I am willing to move forward with your proposal, but only on the strict provision that your son has no involvement whatsoever with this business. I will be happy to work with you (assuming of course that you have had no murder charges levelled against you – please confirm that this is indeed the case), but I will have nothing at all to do with your son.

I hope and pray that this will be acceptable to you. Please let me know if this is indeed the case. If it is, then we can continue and I will send you the personal details that you requested.

My new Verger, Mr Beaker (or “Beaker” as he appears to prefer to be called), turned up at the church this morning as planned. I am pleased to report that I am sure he will settle in nicely to his new role. I showed him around the church and explained his duties to him and he seemed to take most of it in without too many problems.

Unfortunately, there does appear to be a slight issue regarding body odour. Actually, “slight” is perhaps not the best word to use, given that the aroma is still strongly present in the church this afternoon, despite the amount of incense I burned after he left in an attempt to get rid of the smell, but I am sure that we will be able to do something about that. I may have to tactfully bring up the subject of personal hygiene when Beaker turns up for work tomorrow morning.

Anyway, back to business. Please get back to me as soon as you can to let me know whether my idea of keeping your son out of this business is acceptable to you. I will be waiting to hear from you.

May the Great Prophet Noel shine His torch of love into the darkest depths of your soul.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. May I respectfully point out that as a vicar of the Church of Zeal or no Zeal, the correct manner in which to address me is “Reverend Murray” rather than “Murray”?


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for your understand!!!

Sent: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 19:49:38 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Thank you for your mail and my son has nothing to do with this business OK, so send me your personal details both telephone number and your home address, so that I will send an urgent message to our family lawyer, who will provide all the necessary documents needed in order to claim this money out.

Sincerely,

Mariam Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: The details you requested

Sent: Thu, 17 Aug 2006 08:50:04

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for your email. Now that I have your assurance that your murderous son is not going to have anything to do with this business, I am happy to move forward.

Here is the personal information you requested:

  • Name: Reverend Gilbert Arnold Murray
  • Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK
  • Telephone/fax: 01927 58367

Unfortunately, there is a problem with my telephone line at the moment: we had a delivery of communion wine last week and the delivery driver backed his lorry into a telegraph pole, which brought down the telephone lines to the vicarage. It is proving to be rather difficult to get the line reinstated, as there is some debate over exactly who is responsible: me, the telephone company or the company that the delivery driver works for. Until we can work out who is responsible, the phone company will not come out and fix the line.

I am praying that this situation will be resolved early next week. Until then, I suggest that we continue this business via email. I trust that will be acceptable to you. Please let me know.

I must go: I have to open up the church and make preparations with the new Verger, Beaker, for the weekly choir practice. We need to dust down the pews, sweep the nave and polish the church organ. It will be good to have someone else to polish my organ for me again after all this time: I have had to do it myself for the past two years.

Hopefully the unpleasant aroma that Beaker left behind yesterday will have dissipated by now. If we have the same problem today, I may take him to one side and have a quiet talk about the benefits of regular washing and a good anti-perspirant deodorant. After all, cleanliness is next to Noeliness.

Anyway, please do get back to me as soon as you can with further details about this business.

May the Great Prophet Noel, the fisher of souls, lure you into His net of redemption with His bait of eternal joy.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. I noted yesterday that you made reference to someone called “Allah”. Am I correct in assuming that you are therefore a member of one of the lesser religions?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: Did you receive my last email?

Sent: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 08:43:16

Dear Mrs Abacha,

As I did not hear back from you yesterday, I thought I would send you a quick note to check whether you received the last email I sent to you, containing the personal details you requested. Please get back to me and confirm that this is indeed the case.

I confronted Beaker yesterday about his body odour problem. The poor man was completely unaware that anything was wrong; apparently he dealt with so many chemicals on a daily basis in his last job that the stench emanating from his armpits was completely overpowered by the smell of all the noxious substances he was dealing with.

It was not an easy conversation to have, Mrs Abacha. Beaker was quite hurt when I explained the extent of the problem to him. However, he was able to see for himself that something needed to be done when Mrs Carruthers – one of the more sensitive members of the choir – fainted during choir practice (halfway through a rendition of “The Great Prophet Noel’s My Shepherd”) because of the strength of the odour.

The poor woman knocked her forehead on the back of a pew as she fell, and sustained quite a nasty bump. We were wondering what to do to bring her round – unfortunately nobody had any smelling salts to hand – when Mrs Ffarquhar suggested that Beaker’s armpits might be a good substitute. I called Beaker over and instructed him to lift his arm up and place his armpit directly over the prostrate Mrs Carruthers’ nose.

Well, it certainly did the trick. No sooner had Beaker clamped his armpit around Mrs Carruthers’ nose than her eyes opened wide and the poor lady leaped to her feet in a trice. Clamping one hand firmly to her mouth, she ran down the aisle, straight through the door of the church and out into the churchyard, where she was comprehensively sick over the 16th Earl of Gypping’s marble tomb.

Given what had just happened, I decided that it would be wise to call an early halt to the choir practice. I assured the members of the choir as they left that something would be done about the odour problem. I then sent Beaker out into the churchyard with a mop and bucket to clean up the mess.

I will just have to see whether Beaker has followed my advice and purchased some underarm deodorant when he turns up for work later today. I pray that he will have done so.

Anyway, back to business. Do get back to me to confirm that you have received my personal details, my dear lady. Tell me, what is the next step in this process?

May the Great Prophet Noel bathe you in a golden shower of His love.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for your mail

Sent: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 22:13:41 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

I am very sorry that have not reply your mail and have so forward the information to my family lawyer, he will get back to you with more details on this business. Please let me know once you hear anything for him.

Sincerely,

Mariam Abacha


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I expect your reply immediately!!!

Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 09:48:11 +0100 (BST)

JOHN BERNARD & ASSOCIATES
SOLICITOR AND ADVOCATE
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

Telephone Number: +234 085473 7870

Attention Sir,

I am Barrister John Bernard, a solicitor and the personal attorney to late General Sani Abacha and also a family attorney to all the family member, but I want to know that if you are capable to handle this important business believing that you will never let my client down. So I want you to assured me that and kindly notify me without delay.

Sir, you have to pay sum of $3,000 to enable me pay the money to the Chief Justice on your behalf, so that he will release the affidavit of facts, please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, his name: Chidi Francis and address: Nigeria and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two time as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

I am waiting for your favourable response, including the Western Union information.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: Do you know a “Barrister John Bernard”?

Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 13:45:11

Dear Mrs Abacha,

I have just received rather an impertinent email from a chap calling himself “Barrister John Bernard”. He mentioned your name in his email. Do you know this chap? Is he anything to do with you?

I ask because the email I received from him was rather rude. I had assumed that a woman in your position would have taken on a lawyer who is capable of conducting himself in a more seemly manner than this Mr Bernard. Is the man anything to do with you? The man appears to be demanding money from me for something or other. I don’t quite understand why.

Please get back to me with the name and contact details of your personal attorney. I shan’t do anything about this “Barrister John Bernard” until I hear back from you, my dear lady.

I am pleased to report that my new Verger, Beaker, has now purchased some underarm deodorant, and that it has made quite a difference to the aroma he gives off. Things are not quite perfect (the lack of underarm odour unfortunately now brings into focus the smell that is emanating from his feet) but it is a definite improvement. I shall have to see if I can purchase Beaker some odour eaters for his sandals.

Tomorrow is a very special day: during the church service we will be welcoming Beaker fully into the arms of his new church (he had to join the church in order to get the job). It has been some time since I undertook a ritual scourging and excoriation. I am looking forward to it immensely.

Do get back to me as soon as you can and let me know the situation regarding this attorney chap.

May the Great Prophet Noel tuck you into bed at night and watch over you as you sleep.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Try your best and contact him!!!

Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 15:26:48 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Thanks for your understand and I know him, he is my personal attorney and my family lawyer also you have to follow his instructions.

Please see the contact address show below:

  • His name: Barrister John Bernard
  • Email address: bjohnbernard@yahoo.co.uk
  • Telephone number: +234 085473 7870

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Mariam Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: So, this John Bernard is indeed your attorney?

Sent: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 17:57:52

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for your email. So, this “Barrister John Bernard” character is indeed your attorney? Well I never.

I never would have guessed that he was a barrister from the email that he sent to me, my dear lady. For one thing, it was riddled with spelling mistakes, and the tone of the email was extremely abrupt. One could even call it rude. And on top of all this, the man was demanding money from me like some common beggar in the street.

Maybe you do things differently over there in Nigeria, but here in England a lawyer would never send such an impertinent email and demand money off someone without first introducing himself properly.

Anyway, now that I know that this fellow really is your attorney, I shall get in touch with him and ascertain what needs to be done.

I probably won’t have a chance to contact him until Monday now: I have to be at the church in half an hour to help Beaker prepare it for tomorrow’s service, and being a vicar, Sunday is obviously the busiest day of the week for me.

I do hope Beaker doesn’t get too nervous when he finds out what his induction to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal involves. He does seem like the nervous type to me, and I’m not sure how happy he will be at the prospect of having his sins whipped out of him in front of the rest of the congregation. I shall just have to do my best to reassure him. I mean, it’s nothing that the rest of the congregation hasn’t already gone through... and they all have the scars to prove it. I shall pray to the Great Prophet Noel that everything will be alright.

I shall get back in touch with you as soon as I have contacted your attorney and update you on the current situation.

May the Great Prophet Noel smile down upon you and show you which way true happiness lies.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: Please explain yourself

Sent: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 08:44:12

Dear Mr Bernard,

I am in receipt of the rather terse email you sent to me on Saturday. Having consulted with Mrs Abacha, she has confirmed – to my not inconsiderable surprise – that you are indeed her personal attorney.

As you are no doubt aware, Mrs Abacha has asked me to assist her in moving $85 million in cash out of a Nigerian security company and into this country, where she is planning to invest it. In return for my help, she has kindly offered to donate 30% of this sum to my church.

I would be grateful if you could get back to me and outline the steps that we will have to take in order to bring our plans to a successful conclusion.

May the Great Prophet Noel bless you and your colleagues in the legal profession.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: I have just contacted your attorney

Sent: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 08:54:15

Dear Mrs Abacha,

How are you, my dear lady? I trust that you had a pleasant weekend.

I have just contacted your attorney and asked him to outline the steps we will need to take in order to move this money out of the Nigerian security company. Hopefully he will be prompt in responding to me.

I am happy to report that Beaker’s induction into the church went reasonably smoothly yesterday. Given his somewhat nervous disposition, I decided that it would be easier if I kept the precise details of the induction ceremony from him until the last minute.

I have to say, for a man with such a slight, wiry frame he turned out to be surprisingly strong: it took six of my burliest parishioners to hold him down while I scourged his sins out of him. Beaker was obviously somewhat distressed by the whole experience, but I assured him afterwards that administering the scourging had hurt me far more than receiving it had hurt him.

Anyway, now that’s all over and done with, Beaker is now a full member of the church. He is now therefore guaranteed a place in heaven at the right hand of the Great Prophet Noel – unlike those poor people who are unfortunate enough to be members of a lesser religion. No offence.

I have given Beaker a few days off work to recover from his initiation into the church. People do tend to find the initiation ceremony emotionally draining, and on top of that his wounds will heal more quickly if he rests on his front in bed for a few days. I will call in on him later this morning to see how he is.

I will get back to you as soon as your attorney responds to my email.

May the Great Prophet Noel cleanse you of your sins with His soap of forgiveness and His flannel of redemption.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent!!!

Sent: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 14:38:55 +0100 (BST)

Attention: Reverend Gilbert Murray,

Permit me to introduce myself to you hoping that you will understand me. Like I said before, I am Barrister John Bernard, a solicitor and the personal attorney to late General Sani Abacha and also a family attorney to all the family member.

The first step you have to take is to send the money to my personal assistant so that I will get the whole documents from the Chief Justice here in the Federal High Court of Nigeria.

So I will send a copy to you and forward a copy to the Nigerian security company to enable them tell me the next steps we have to take.

Please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, his name: Chidi Francis and address: Nigeria and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

I have a nice day and get back to me.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: What document is it that you need to obtain?

Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 08:48:52

Dear Mr Bernard,

Thank you for your email. I not ashamed to admit that I am finding this matter rather confusing. I would therefore appreciate it if you could explain things to me in a touch more detail.

For a start, what document is it that you need to obtain from the Chief Justice of Nigeria? What exactly will this document enable us to do?

Mrs Abacha told me that she had deposited the $85 million into the safekeeping of the security company. Why then do we need a document of any kind in order to withdraw the money? I don’t have to apply to the High Court for a document simply to withdraw money that I have deposited into my own bank account. Surely then Mrs Abacha can simply go back to the security company, present them with some form of identification and withdraw the money that she deposited with them earlier? Why does she need a court document to enable her to do this?

You must forgive my ignorance, my dear fellow, but being a simple country parson, legal matters are not exactly my forte. I trust that in light of all the legal training you must have gone through in order to attain your current position, you will be able to explain matters to my satisfaction.

Please get back to me as soon as you can. I shall be waiting to hear from you.

May the Great Prophet Noel restock the refrigerator of your soul with His provisions of righteousness.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: Discussions are ongoing with your lawyer

Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 08:57:49

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Good news, my dear lady: Mr Bernard has got back to me and we are currently engaged in discussions with a view to bringing this business to a fruitful conclusion.

How are you, my dear? I trust that you are keeping well and that your murderous son has not been causing you any further problems since his release from prison. Tell me, is he managing to stay out of trouble? It is a sad fact, but the rates of reoffending for prisoners in this country are very high, and I see no reason to expect things to be any different in your country. I shall pray to the Great Prophet Noel that your son manages to curb his homicidal tendencies.

I popped in to see Beaker yesterday, and I am pleased to report that although the lesions on his back are still very sore, he is recovering well from Sunday’s initiation ceremony.

I took him a “get well soon” card and a little present: a pair of odour eaters for his sandals and some more underarm deodorant. I regret to say that he was not quite as appreciative as I was expecting him to be; he tossed the presents aside without so much as a “thank you”.

In fact, I couldn’t help but notice that Beaker seemed rather cold towards me yesterday in general. Obviously, having your sins flogged out of you is not what one would call a pleasurable experience (although our local Member of Parliament doesn’t seem to mind his monthly scourging one little bit, and has even asked if he can have it done once a fortnight), but the Book of Noel teaches us that regular monthly scourging and excoriation is the only way to ensure that one is purged entirely of one’s sins.

I explained this to Beaker yesterday, but he did not seem to appreciate what I was trying to say. Oh well, I am sure that he will come round to our way of thinking eventually, now that he is a member of the church.

Do get back to me and let me know how you are getting on, my dear lady. I look forward to receiving your next email.

May the Great Prophet Noel season the soup of your life with His salt of kindness and His pepper of understanding.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha

Subject: What is the reason for your delay in responding?

Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 17:13:55

Dear Mr Bernard,

I sent you an email at the beginning of the day, in which I put a number of queries to you regarding the retrieval of Mrs Abacha’s $85 million. I am surprised and disappointed not to have received the courtesy of a response from you yet.

The subject titles you apply to the emails that you send me – and the excessive number of exclamation marks with which you round them off – imply that you are well aware of the urgency of this situation. However, this is completely at odds with the somewhat lackadaisical manner in which you appear to be conducting this business on Mrs Abacha’s behalf.

They do say that silence is golden. However, I do not think that this applies to people in the legal profession who have a job to do. I have just heard that I may be called away on some urgent ecclesiastical business later this week. With this in mind, I would thank you to deal with the queries that I put to you earlier by return. If you do not start treating this business with the urgency it deserves, I will have to consider finding myself a different lawyer.

May the Great Prophet Noel guide your index fingers as they clumsily tap out a response to this email.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Attention Please

Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 18:15:55 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Thanks for your understand and also my son didn’t put me any trouble so you have to follow my attorney instructions and do what he ask you to do OK.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Mariam Abacha


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please try to understand me

Sent: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 21:02:34 +0100 (BST)

Attention Reverend,

I am very sorry for my late reply because am very busy in the office today but the document we need to get is the affidavit of facts and I will get it from the Chief Justice here in the Federal High Court of Nigeria.

Because without this document the security company will not move this money out to any country that is the reason why I notify you to pay $3,000 so that I can enable to obtain it from the Federal High Court.

I assure you that this business will be very successful and has no legal implications whatsoever as I have investigated and found out that no risk involved.

Please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

Please sir, get back to me as soon as you can, both the Western Union information.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha

Subject: I still do not understand

Sent: Wed, 23 Aug 2006 08:42:19

Dear Mr Bernard,

Thank you for your email. Whilst I can appreciate that you must have other clients to deal with, I hope and pray that you are not allowing your other work to come before this particular business: there is a great deal of money at stake here, my dear fellow. Also, do not forget that you are working for the egregious Mrs Abacha. This is important business, my good man, and don’t you forget it.

I am sorry, my dear chap, but I still don’t understand why we need this “affidavit of facts” in order for Mrs Abacha to withdraw her own money from the security company. It is Mrs Abacha’s money (well, it was probably stolen from the Nigerian people by her reprehensible late husband, but that’s neither here nor there; it’s hers now). She deposited the money with the security company herself. Why then can she not simply go back to the security company and withdraw the money? I just don’t understand.

And while we’re on the subject of this “affidavit of facts” that you say we need, how can it possibly cost $3,000 to obtain a single document? That’s a huge amount of money. How can one single document possibly cost so much? Even if it was printed on gold leaf I can’t see how it could possibly be that expensive.

I am sorry, Mr Bernard, but I really don’t understand this at all. Please get back to me by return and explain exactly what this document is, exactly why we need it, and exactly how it can possibly cost $3,000 to obtain it.

And please, let us have no more delays. It is looking more and more likely that I am going to have to go away on church business later this week. If we cannot get this matter sorted out before I go, I may have to leave matters in the hands of my new Verger, Beaker... and I would rather not have to do that. If you met Beaker, believe me, you would understand why.

Let us both work our hardest to conclude this matter swiftly, Mr Bernard. Mrs Abacha is relying on you.

May the Great Prophet Noel find the words that you need to explain yourself to me and help you type them into your next email in the correct order.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Update Me

Sent: Wed, 23 Aug 2006 19:59:59 +0100 (BST)

Attention Reverend,

I did like to bring to your notice that without the affidavit of facts the security company will not move this money out, that is the more reason why I demanded for the affidavit of facts, and because of the position of the family in this country it’s not going to be easy getting the affidavit of facts from the Federal High Court of Nigeria.

I have a personal discussion with the Chief Justice and he say that the document will cost much to get it but I on my part will see what to do about it that’s why I have notify you to pay $3,000 it’s going to cost more than that but whatever comes up I will take care of it.

Please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

Please sir, get back to me as soon as you can, both the Western Union information.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Barrister John Bernard; Cc: Mariam Abacha

Subject: I will get back to you

Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 08:51:59

Dear Mr Bernard,

Thank you for your email. I have to say, I thought that have to pay $3,000 for a single document was rather expensive, but now you are telling me that the document will cost even more than that!

Surely that cannot be right, Mr Bernard? How can it possibly cost even more than $3,000 to obtain one document? I have had a number of dealings with lawyers in the past and they have never charged me anything like that amount for their services, never mind for a single document.

I will have to give this matter some serious consideration and consult with Mrs Abacha. Please do nothing until you hear back from me.

May the Great Prophet Noel explain to you the wisdom of charging reasonable fees for your services.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: I think Mr Bernard may be overcharging us

Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 08:59:44

Dear Mrs Abacha,

How are you today, my dear lady? I trust that the Great Prophet Noel – or whatever false idol it is that you choose to worship – is smiling down upon you today.

I am sorry to report that things are not going well with your attorney, Mr Bernard. As you will have seen, he is attempting to charge me over $3,000 simply to obtain a single document. Now I do not profess to be an expert on the law, but I am no fool my dear lady, and I would be amazed if one single document could possibly cost $3,000 to obtain.

If I may be frank with you, my dear, I am afraid that Mr Bernard is attempting to take advantage of our good nature. I think he is attempting to overcharge us... and by a considerable degree.

Being of the feminine persuasion as you are, this possibility has probably not entered into your pretty little mind. No doubt you left financial matters to your late husband when he was alive – if the amount of money he managed to embezzle from the Nigerian economy while he was in power is anything to go by, he must have been a bit of a financial wizard so this would have been a good move on your part. I’ll bet Mr Bernard would never have attempted to charge your late husband this much money to obtain a single document, my dear lady.

Given the fact that Mr Bernard appears to be attempting to overcharge us by such an outrageous degree, I did wonder whether it might be worth me getting in touch with my own lawyer – Welsby, of the legal firm Elton and Welsby – whose services I have been using for over ten years. Welsby is a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. Unlike Mr Bernard, he also charges extremely reasonable fees.

Welsby has got the sharpest legal brain I have ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a mix-up between a case of communion wine and a case of industrial floor cleaner.

Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges against the church dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved families. On top of that, he managed to get the church floor stripped and cleaned at the families’ expense to get rid of the red wine stains.

I cannot recommend Welsby highly enough. Do you think I ought to contact him and see if he can help us out in this matter, my dear lady? I am sure he would do an excellent job for us in this matter, and I am sure that he would charge us a lot less than your Mr Bernard, who appears to be more interested in feathering his own nest than assisting us in this business.

I must go: a coach party from the Womens’ Institute is visiting the church later today. They have heard about the impressive size of my organ and I am keen to show them exactly what I can do with it. Do get back to me as soon as you can and let me know your thoughts.

May the Great Prophet Noel strew the ground on which you walk with rose petals and steer your feet away from the devil’s cowpats.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray

PS. I am pleased to report that Beaker is up and about again, and that the stronger deodorant and odour eaters I purchased for him seem to be doing the trick. A few breath mints would perhaps not go amiss, but we are slowly getting there.


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please follow his instruction

Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 14:16:25 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Thanks for your understand and I think the best thing you have to do is to send the money which is $3,000. Because he is the only person who know the way to get it fast so do not involve your lawyer because it’s going to bring more problem to my family.

Remember I told you that my son just got out of the prison so eyes are on us, I have seriously discussed that with my attorney and he complained about the Chief Justice demanding lots of money from him but he said that $3,000 will solve everything, and I believe him because he has been my family attorney for over 20 years now even before the death of my husband, so he can never disappoint us or do us bad.

Kindly follow his instructions.

Thanks and may God be with you.

Amen,

Mrs Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: $3,000 is a lot of money for a simple country parson

Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 16:32:02

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for your email. If you think that getting Welsby involved in this affair would be a bad move, then so be it. After all the shame that your despotic husband and your jailbird son have heaped upon your family, the last thing I would want to do would be to cause you any more problems.

I am relieved to hear that you are confident that Mr Bernard is not trying to line his own pockets by overcharging us. I had feared – given the amount of money he was demanding for a single document – that he was no better but an opportunist thief, but if you are willing to place your trust in the man then so am I.

However, the fact remains that we still need to find $3,000. That is a lot of money for a simple country parson such as myself, Mrs Abacha. We do not earn a lot of money in the first place (our rewards come in the next life), and on top of that I have to donate 25% of all my earnings to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal. I simply do not have $3,000 sitting around.

Is there any way you could help out with this money, my dear lady? Given the huge amount of money that your late husband embezzled from the Nigerian people during his reign of terror, surely you must have a few thousand dollars stashed in various locations around the house in case of emergencies? Might I suggest that you try looking in a few biscuit tins or down the back of the sofa?

Of course, there is always the money that my parishioners have raised for the restoration of my unusually large organ – I think that fund stands at a little over £9,000 at the moment – but that money has been raised specifically to be lavished on my organ and I really shouldn’t use it for anything else. I would get into terrible trouble if I did so and anyone found out.

Please, my dear lady, search your house and do your best to see if there is any way in which you can come up with the $3,000 we need in order to obtain that document from the Chief Justice. It would be a big help.

Please get back to me as soon as you can. I will be praying to the Great Prophet Noel that you will have found a way for us to come up with the money.

May the Great Prophet Noel guide your hands as you probe around in the back of the sofa and lead you to discover the money that we so badly need.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You have to understand

Sent: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 22:46:22 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

May the Great Prophet Noel be with you, I got your mail and everything was well understood, but you just have to know that at the moment I don’t have any money around, because the government of my country is still monitoring me.

Just last week the security agent came for searching in my house, so at the moment I can’t assure any money on my side because everything as regard to cash has been moved out and I don’t really go out, I would have borrow from somebody but they are watching my movement.

I did like to advise that you just get some money out of the £9,000 for the restoration of your unusually large organ, am also not trying to put you in a difficult situation, but you just have to understand that this will not take us up to seven working days so you can as well replace the money for your large organ.

So that the security company will bring the money to your doorstep as soon as my attorney confirm the payment of $3,000 we just have to do something fast, if possible send the money to him by tomorrow.

I must commend your understanding as regard this transaction, never mind in no time success will be ours.

Hoping to hear from you.

Best regard,

Mrs Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: I have an idea

Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 08:46:28

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that you cannot help out with the money. You must indeed be in dire financial straits at the moment.

This puts us in a rather awkward situation, does it not? If neither of us actually has the $3,000 that the Chief Justice is demanding for that document, I am not sure whether we will actually be able to move forward.

You suggested that I should use some of the money that my parishioners have collected for the restoration of my organ. I suppose I could use some of that money as a last resort, but I would much rather find the money in some other way if at all possible. My parishioners have worked long and hard to raise all that money, holding jumble sales and church fetes, and making and selling jam, scones and the like – one of the local farmers even put his daughter on the game for a week to raise money for the organ restoration fund – and they would not be at all happy if they discovered that I had used the money for another purpose.

I did have an idea though. My lawyer, Welsby – I believe I mentioned him the other day – is rather well-heeled. I did wonder whether it would be worth asking him to loan me the money. I am sure that once I explained everything to him he would be more than happy to oblige.

What do you think, Mrs Abacha? Should I ask Welsby for a loan? It seems to me as if this is the only way to raise the money.

Do get back to me with your thoughts.

May the Great Prophet Noel ensure that you eat a healthy, balanced and nutritious diet.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Try your best

Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 17:43:35 +0100 (BST)

Dear Reverend Murray,

Please take my advice and just get some money out from the £9,000 you have raised of your church large organ and am not trying to put you in a difficult situation, but that is the only way we can get the money out so you have to understand me.

Your idea is OK to me but I do not think that Mr Welsby will give you a loan if so try your best and may the Great Prophet Noel help us out, Amen.

Hoping to hear from you again.

Best regard,

Mrs Abacha


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Abacha; Cc: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: A regrettable development

Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 17:58:22

Dear Mrs Abacha,

Thank you for your email. You do not sound keen on the idea of getting the eminent Welsby involved in this business at all.

Under different circumstances I would tempted to argue this point with you – I cannot see any problem at all with the idea of us borrowing the money from Welsby – but unfortunately I do not have time to debate this matter with you.

You see, I have just received an email from the Great Prophet Noel’s office. It is just as I feared at the beginning of the week when I first caught wind of this: an ecclesiastical emergency of some kind has blown up, and apparently the Great Prophet Noel Himself has requested my presence to help resolve the issue.

I have to say that whilst I am honoured to have received such a summons from the Great Prophet Noel Himself, it does come at rather a bad time in terms of this transaction. I am loathe to pack my bags and head off at this crucial stage in the proceedings, but obviously, there is no way that I can turn down a personal summons from the Great Prophet Noel. I would be excommunicated at once were I to do so, and stripped of my ceremonial knout.

I am very sorry, Mrs Abacha, but I have no choice but to leave this matter in the capable hands of my new Verger, Beaker. I have given him a brief resume of the current situation, so Beaker is well aware of what we are attempting to do.

I have also given Beaker your email address – and that of Mr Bernard – and instructed him to make contact with you both with a view to expediting this business as quickly as possible.

Crucially, I have also given Beaker access to the organ restoration fund bank account and instructed him that he is to withdraw $3,000 from this account and send it on to Mr Bernard as quickly as possible... provided that Mr Bernard can provide Beaker with a few vital assurances first. Beaker will be contacting him regarding this in due course.

Here is Beaker’s email address, so that you will be able to make contact with him: xxxxxx@yahoo.co.uk.

As you will have noted, my dear lady, I have sent a copy of this email to your attorney, Mr Bernard. Presuming that you will both be reading this email, I would like to make a plea to both of you. Beaker is not the best-educated of individuals. You may find that you have to explain things more than once to him before your point sinks in. With this in mind, could I please ask you to be as clear and simple as possible in your communications with Beaker? The more clearly and simply you put things, the less potential for confusion there will be.

I have instructed Beaker to contact you both at some point during the weekend. Please bear in mind that he will be extremely busy over the weekend, especially given the fact that I will be away. He will be spending a lot of his time preparing the church for the Sunday services – which, in my absence, will be taken by my Curate, Mr Segg.

I must apologise once more for my absence, but as I am sure you will appreciate, I have no choice in the matter. I am sure that Beaker will be able to handle things admirably on my behalf during my absence. I am not sure how long I will have to be away for, but I will be back in touch as soon as I return.

May the Great Prophet Noel keep His hand firmly on the tiller of this transaction, ensuring a straight and speedy journey around the jagged rocks of failure that no doubt lie just submerged below the water of this business.

Amen,

Reverend Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Mariam Abacha; Barrister John Bernard

Subject: HELLO I AM BEAKER

Sent: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 09:53:36

Hello Mrs Abacha and Mr Bernard,

I am Beaker my full name is Billy Beaker but everyone just calls me Beaker so you can call me Beaker too if you like. I am Reverend Murray’s Verger and I work for him at the church and I keep the church clean and it is a very important job.

Reverend Murray had to go away on church business it was something to do with the Great Prophet Noel but I do not know exactly what the business was all about but before he left Reverend Murray told me all about the things he is doing with you and he told me to send you an email and he told me to ask you what I need to do to get this money transferred.

Please send me an email and tell me what I need to do and I will do it but I will be very busy in the church this weekend so it might not be until next week but I hope to hear from you soon.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: Very Urgent!!!

Sent: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 19:33:05 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Thank you for your quick reply and Reverend Murray told me that he has instructed you to withdraw $3,000 from the account because I will use the money to get the document.

And please kindly send the money to my personal assistant, and try to do so as soon as possible. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

Please sir, get back to me as soon as you can, both the Western Union information, below is the last mail I got from him and he sent a copy to Mrs Abacha.

Best regard,

Barr John Bernard


From: Mariam Abacha

To: Beaker

Subject: From Mrs Abacha

Sent: Sun, 27 Aug 2006 17:23:31 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Thanks for your mail and Reverend Murray’s Verger told me that his go out for a church business and he has instructed you to carry out this business until him return back and the simple thing you have to do now is to send the money to my attorney Barr John Bernard as him instructed you.

Please Beaker, take my advice and withdraw $3,000 from the account number. May the Great Prophet Noel help us out Amen.

Hoping to hear from you again.

Best regard,

Mrs Abacha


From: Beaker

To: Mariam Abacha

Subject: CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR ADVICE PLEASE?

Sent: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 09:10:59

Hello Mrs Abacha,

I just read the email that you sent to me yesterday and it confused me or maybe it is you that is confused in fact I think you must be because you told me that Reverend Murray’s Verger told you something but I am Reverend Murray’s Verger and I have been for a couple of weeks now so I do not know what you meant by that.

I was very busy in the church yesterday because it was Sunday and I was helping out Curate Segg who was taking the service because Reverend Murray is away. I do not think that Mr Segg likes me very much but I do not like him very much either because he keeps on telling me that I smell and that is not very nice of him.

Reverend Murray keeps on telling me that I smell too which is not very nice of him either. I wish people would stop telling me that I smell because I do not like it and it is very rude of them and I can’t help it anyway because it is just the way that I am and it is making me unhappy.

To be honest I have not been very happy at all since I started working for the church. Are you a member of the church Mrs Abacha? I had to join the church to get the job but I am starting to wish that I had never accepted the job because I have to work very long hours and the pay is very bad and I have to give a quarter of my pay to the church every month and that does not leave me with much money at all and I have to wear these church robes and sandals all the time and I think I look stupid wearing them.

I am starting to wish that I had taken the other job that was on offer which was sweeping the floor at the local slaughterhouse because although that would have been a nasty job the pay would have been better and I would not have had to join this stupid church and wear these stupid clothes and my boss would not have had to whip my sins out of me which is what happened to me last week and that was not nice because it hurt and my back still hurts now. And I bet if I had taken the job at the slaughterhouse people would not keep on telling me that I smell either because they would probably smell of guts.

And this church is stupid too. I used to believe in Jesus and be a Christian before I got this job but Reverend Murray tells me that I have to stop worshipping Jesus and start worshipping the Great Prophet Noel because Reverend Murray tells me that Jesus was not the son of God after all but was just some bloke with a beard who got on the wrong side of the Romans and got himself nailed to a tree but I am not sure that is right. And it does not feel right to be worshipping this Great Prophet Noel person because he is still alive and Curate Segg told me that he lives in a big mansion down south so I do not see why we should be worshipping him. How can he be God? It does not make any sense.

I am sorry for going on like this Mrs Abacha but there is nobody else I can talk to about this because everyone in the village is a member of this church now and if I told them what I was thinking they would tell Reverend Murray when he gets back and he would be angry and that would not be good. I feel like I want to leave the church but Reverend Murray told me when I joined that when you join this church you join for life and there is no way of leaving and I am scared about what might happen to me if I tried to leave.

What do you think I should do Mrs Abacha? I do not think that I want to work for this church any more but I am scared to leave it. What do you think I should do?

Please tell me what you think I should do Mrs Abacha. Reverend Murray tells me that you are a wise woman and that you are educated even if he said that you would never guess that from your emails so I would appreciate your advice. There really is nobody else I can talk to about this and I am unhappy and I am scared.

Thanking you,

Beaker

PS. Please do not tell Reverend Murray about any of this because he would be very angry if he found out that I had been talking like this.


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: WHAT IS WESTERN UNION?

Sent: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 09:14:27

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I cannot take the money out of the church bank account today because it is a bank holiday in this country and that means that all of the banks are shut and they are not open until tomorrow but I will be able to take the money out then.

What is Western Union? I have never heard of that before. I thought I was going to take the money out of the bank account and put it in the post for you or something like that but you are telling me to do something different and I do not know how to do that.

Please explain to me what Western Union is and then I can send you the money by Western Union whatever it is tomorrow.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: I hope you will understand it

Sent: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 16:02:46 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Western Union money transfer is the quick service to send money online and you have to go to Western Union office in your country as well send the money to my personal assistant like I said before. You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

After that just come back and send me all the Western Union information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard


From: Beaker

To: Barrister John Bernard

Subject: THERE IS NO WESTERN UNION OFFICE NEAR TO HERE

Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 08:42:20

Hello Mr Bernard,

It is me Beaker again. I looked in the phone book and there is no Western Union office near to here. The closest one is in the town but that is quite a long way away from the village. If I had a car I could get there quite easily but I do not have a car because I do not drive. I have a bicycle but it would take me a long time to cycle there and back and I do not have the time to do that and anyway my legs would be very tired if I did.

Is there some other way I can get the money to you Mr Bernard? How about if I put the money in an envelope and send it in the post to your personal assistant Mr Francis? Would that be OK?

I have to go now so that I can go to the church and start work for the day. Reverend Murray has left a long list of jobs for me to do while he is away. I am going to start by giving his organ a good clean. Reverend Murray has a very large organ and he is very proud of it and he gives it a good polish twice a week and he has asked me to polish his organ for him this week.

After I have done that I am going to clear out my office because there is still a lot of stuff in there that belongs to the last Verger and I want to get rid of it so that I can make room for my stuff.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Barrister John Bernard

To: Beaker

Subject: GO TO TOWN AND DO IT

Sent: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 13:59:11 +0100 (BST)

Dear Beaker,

Please try all your best and go to the town just look for any bank tell them that you want to send money through Western Union money transfer to Nigeria and Mr Chidi Francis is the name you are going to use OK and send the money with that name because is my personal assistant like I said before.

You have to send it through Western Union money transfer, but I would like if you can send it two times as list below.

  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500
  • Name: Chidi Francis
  • Address: 18 Ezeofor Street, Ekulu, Iva Valley, Nigeria
  • Amounts: $1,500

After that just come back and send me all the Western Union information both your name and address you used to send it am waiting for your favourable response.

Thanks,

Barr John Bernard

NB. Please do not put the money to any envelope or go to any post office OK.


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