scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Butcher


In which Gilbert crosses meat cleavers with Barrister Thomas Adepoju following yet another fatal car crash on the Shagamu express road (during which all the occupants of the vehicle died, leaving behind millions of dollars in the bank and no relatives to leave it to, as usual). Given the number of multi-millionaires that have died on that road, it’s a wonder that the Nigerian Highways Authority hasn’t put in speedhumps by now...

Cast of characters

  • Gilbert Murray – family butcher.
  • Thomas Adepoju – allegedly a Nigerian barrister.
  • Idris Abubakar - allegedly Director of Foreign Operations/Remittance at the Union Bank of Nigeria PLC.


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Gilbert Murray

Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 08:18:03 +0530

FROM: THOMAS & ASSOCIATES
(BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU)
SOLICITORS AND ADVOCATES
16 CANAL STREET, IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA

ATTN: GILBERT MURRAY

BEFORE I START, I MUST FIRST APOLOGISE FOR THIS UNSOLICITED MAIL TO YOU. I AM AWARE THAT THIS IS CERTAINLY AN UNCONVENTIONAL APPROACH TO STARTING A RELATIONSHIP, BUT AS TIME GOES ON YOU WILL REALISE THE NEED FOR MY ACTION.

MY NAME IS BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU, A SOLICITOR AND THE PERSONAL ATTORNEY TO MR MARTIN MURRAY, A CITIZEN OF YOUR COUNTRY, WHO WORKED WITH AN OIL COMPANY IN NIGERIA, HEREIN AFTER REFERRED TO AS “MY CLIENT”. ON THE 21ST OF APRIL 2000, MY CLIENT, HIS WIFE AND THEIR THREE CHILDREN WERE INVOLVED IN A VITAL MOTOR ACCIDENT ALONG THE SHAGAMU EXPRESS ROAD. MY CLIENT AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY UNFORTUNATELY LOST THEIR LIVES IN THE ACCIDENT.

SINCE THEN I HAVE MADE SEVERAL ENQUIRIES TO YOUR EMBASSY TO LOCATE ANY OF MY CLIENT’S EXTENDED RELATIVES, WHICH HAS PROVED ABORTIVE AFTER THESE SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS.

MY MAIN REASON FOR CONTACTING YOU IS TO ASSIST ME IN REPATRIATING THE MONEY AND PROPERTY LEFT BEHIND BY MY CLIENT BEFORE THEY ARE CONFISCATED OR DECLARED UNSERVICEABLE BY THE BANK WHERE THEY ARE DEPOSITED/LODGED IN LONDON, WHERE THE DECEASED HAS A FIXED SUM OF EIGHTEEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS. THE SAID BANK HAS ISSUED ME A FINAL NOTICE TO PROVIDE THE NEXT OF KIN OF MY CLIENT OR THEY WILL BE LEFT WITH NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO CONFISCATE HIS FUNDS. A COPY OF THE SAID NOTICE WHICH I WILL FAX TO YOU ON GETTING YOUR REPLY.

SINCE I HAVE BEEN UNSUCCESSFUL IN LOCATING MY CLIENT’S RELATIVES FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS NOW, I SEEK YOUR CONSENT TO PRESENT YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OF MY CLIENT, GOING BY THE FACT THAT BOTH OF YOU HAVE THE SAME NATIONALITY, SO THAT THE SAID FUNDS AS STATED ABOVE, IE, THE SUM OF EIGHTEEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS, CAN BE PAID TO YOU INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT FOR THE BANK. WE CAN TAKE PART OF IT AND LEAVE THE REST TO CHARITY. I HAVE ALL THE NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS THAT CAN BE USED TO BACK UP ANY CLAIM WE MAY MAKE. ALL I REQUIRE IS YOUR HONEST CO-OPERATION TO ENABLE US TO SEE THIS ARRANGEMENT THROUGH. I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW.

PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR CONFIDENTIAL PHONE/FAX NUMBERS SO THAT I CAN FAX TO YOU ALL THE CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN THE BANK AND ME.

BEST REGARDS,

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU ESQ


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: In response to your email

Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 10:02:48

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I have just read the intriguing email you sent to me, regarding the unfortunate death of your client, Mr Martin Murray.

I am not quite sure how you got my details, but I am glad that you have contacted me. It would be such a waste if this poor fellow’s millions were confiscated by the bank, when the money could be put to much better use by you and I.

I am certainly interested in helping you out with this scheme of yours. However, before we go any further, you must assure me that we will not be doing anything illegal: as a parish councillor and long-established family butcher of renown, I have my reputation to consider.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Barrister Thomas Adepoju

Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 03:11:15 -0800 (PST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

How are you today? I received your mail and the content was well understood. I want you to understand one thing, if the late Mr Martin Murray be your relative or not, but I want you to realise that this is a deal between both of us and needs to be top most secret.

Firstly, I want to let you know that I have been the personal attorney to the late Mr Martin Murray for the past ten years, and with regards to this I stand to be the only authorised person who has the legal right to provide the next of kin of my late client, Mr Martin Murray, to the bank.

As I earlier informed you in my proposal, the management of the bank in London have given me a mandate to produce the next of kin of my late client before a period of time. I will send to you the copy of the mandate notice. That is the reason I am worried over the conclusion of this transaction. This transaction will not last more than fourteen working days from the moment you respond to this mail and also abide by my instructions.

Once again, I assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free on both sides and I have agreed to give you 40% out of the total sum for assisting me, and also I would furnish you with all the legal documents to back you up to claim this fund. Moreover, since you share your last name with my late client, we should not have any difficulty in claiming the fund because the bank only needs the documents that prove that you are the legitimate next of kin/beneficiary to the fund, which I promise to furnish you with as long as you stay true to this business.

I would like you to furnish me with the following:

  • Full name and address: to enable me process the necessary documents from the Ministry of Justice.
  • Personal phone and fax numbers: for easy communication.

These are the informations I would want you to furnish me with. Not withstanding, I would also want you to open an account where these funds will be transferred to, or if you have an account that will contain the funds, which I believe will be preferable. Note that the moment I get your reply to this mail, I will send you the deposit certificate of the $18 million, which Union Bank of Nigeria PLC gave to my late client on the day of deposit, which he gave to me for safekeeping before his death. The money was deposited in Nigeria before the transfer to their branch in London upon the request of the depositor, as the late Mr Martin Murray wanted to use the money for investment in London before the auto crash accident which took his life away.

As long as you stay truthful to this transaction, I assure you that it will be beneficial to both of us by the grace of god almighty. Please call me on this number immediately so that we can talk more: 234-1-7919130.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Let us proceed

Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 12:56:01

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your prompt response to my email. I am most impressed by your speed. You are obviously a man who gets things done, which is excellent.

Having read your email, I am more than happy to proceed with the proposal you outlined. I would like to thank you for your generosity in offering me 40% of the total amount. This transaction will make both of us extremely wealthy men!

You mentioned that this affair must be kept top secret. Not a problem. I understand completely. You can trust me not to breathe a word of this to anyone. Mum’s the word. I shan’t even mention it to the wife.

You asked for my personal details. Here they are:

Full Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK

Telephone: 01927 58367

Unfortunately, I do not have access to a fax machine. We are rather behind the times here, I am afraid! I trust that this will not present us with a problem. Perhaps you could email me the document you referred to instead?

I have to warn you that we are experiencing a few problems with our telephone service at the moment: we had some very severe storms last weekend, and they brought down some telephone lines. Living in such a remote rural area as we do, the telephone company unfortunately don’t see fixing our lines as a priority, so at the moment our telephone only works intermittently. This is extremely annoying, and everyone in the village is similarly affected. If you experience any problems getting through to me, I would ask you to bear with me. We are hoping that the service will be fully operational again before too long. Fortunately, my satellite internet connection was not affected by the storms. We should be thankful for small mercies, I suppose!

I look forward to receiving the document you mentioned. Thank you once again for contacting me: I cannot believe my luck!

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Bank account details

Sent: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 16:34:24

Dear Mr Adepoju,

You will be pleased to hear that I left my wife, Elizabeth, in charge of the shop this afternoon and drove into town to set up a new bank account for the purposes of this transaction, as you suggested. I explained my absence to Elizabeth by telling her that I had to pop into the abattoir and discuss next week’s beef supply with the manager, Mr Hereford.

The details of the new account are as follows:

Bank Account Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Bank Account Number: 74053275

Sort Code: 21-38-19

Account Holding Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK

The account is currently empty and ready for us to use for the purposes of this transaction. I trust that this meets with your approval.

I hoped that you might have sent me the deposit certificate that you mentioned when I logged on this afternoon, but you have obviously not had time to do this yet. No doubt like me, you are a very busy man.

I must go: I have to clear up the shop and do some mincing in preparation for tomorrow. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Barrister Thomas Adepoju

Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 00:59:45 -0800 (PST)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

I am glad you understand me. I will send to you today the deposit certificate the Union Bank of Nigeria PLC gave to my late client, Mr Martin Murray, on the day of deposit, which he kept with me before his death, and also the sworn affidavit form that I got from the court yesterday on your behalf for you to fill and send back to me immediately, to enable me to secure the sworn affidavit of claim that we need to back you to claim the fund in the bank. These documents will prove you the original next of kin to late Mr Martin Murray and also the real beneficiary of the aforesaid amount in the bank.

Meanwhile I will send your bank particulars to the bank this morning for them to start processing your account, because the Union Bank of Nigeria, where the money was deposited before being transferred to London, will give the London bank approval to pay into your account as soon as they are okay with our claim.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Good show

Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 12:25:08

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that we are making progress with this business. You seem very efficient.

I am about to pop out for a few hours. I have a meeting with Farmer Gloucester, who currently supplies me with most of my pork. I have heard rumours that he is considering feeding his pigs genetically-modified swill, and I am concerned about what could happen to the pig meat if he does this. Frankly, I don’t think my customers will be too keen on the idea of genetically-modified sausages.

I look forward to receiving the deposit certificate and the sworn affidavit form from you. I promise to give them my full attention as soon as they arrive.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You’re not a vegetarian, are you?


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: HERE ARE THE DOCUMENTS

Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 06:50:16 -0800 (PST)

DEAR GILBERT MURRAY,

ATTACHED HERE ARE THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE AND THE SWORN AFFIDAVIT. PLEASE FILL IN THE FORM AND SEND IT BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY TO ENABLE ME TO GO TO COURT TOMORROW WITH THE FORM.

MY BROTHER, I AM NOT A VEGETARIAN.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS,

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU

The certificate of deposit
(Click to enlarge)

The affidavit form
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Thank you for the documents

Sent: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 17:38:21

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for sending me the certificate of deposit and affidavit form, as promised. I must say, I am extremely impressed with the speed at which you get things done.

I will print out the documents this evening and peruse them, and get the affidavit back to you as soon as I can: hopefully tomorrow.

I have had an extremely stressful afternoon. You may remember me mentioning earlier that I had a meeting planned with Farmer Gloucester, who provides me with most of the pork I sell, regarding the rumours I had heard that he was planning to feed his pigs genetically-modified food. I had hoped that Farmer Gloucester would be able to scotch the rumours once and for all.

Well, I did find out that the rumours weren’t true. But I found to my horror that the situation is even worse than that. He isn’t feeding his pigs genetically-modified swill; he is actually breeding genetically-modified pigs!

Astonishingly enough, he was quite open about the whole thing, even though I’m sure that what he’s doing isn’t legal. And he even told me that it was partly my own fault that he was doing it! Fair enough, I went to him a few years ago and asked if there was any way he could provide me with pork that had more scratching on it (essentially, thicker skin): my customers had been requesting that for a while, as they like it nice and crispy. But what did he do? Did he try to change his pigs’ diets? No, he did not. He decided to genetically modify his pigs instead!

Apparently, Farmer Gloucester knows someone who works at the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University, and they were only too happy to use his animals for a bit of hush-hush research. And after a bit of testing, they introduced some of the genes from a common flea (ctenocephalides canis, apparently) into the pigs’ DNA, resulting in pigs with more scratching.

I was understandably aghast at this news: without knowing it, I’ve been selling this genetically-modified pork for over a year now. And worse still, I’ve been eating it myself! I told Farmer Gloucester that this couldn’t go on, but he just laughed and told me that everybody’s doing it these days! He even told me that Farmer Merino, who produces most of the lamb and mutton I sell, was genetically modifying his sheep too!

I patted Old Spot, Farmer Gloucester’s dog, on the head, then left, not knowing quite what to do. What do you think, my dear fellow? Should I go to the authorities and report what I have found out? But if I do that, there could be a major public health scare, and if people find out that I’ve been selling genetically-modified pork, they could stop buying meat from me altogether. It could be disastrous for my business.

Whatever else I do, I have made up my mind to go and talk to Farmer Merino tomorrow and see what he has to say for himself.

I’m terribly sorry to burden you with my problems, my dear chap, but I am seriously worried about this. What would you do in this situation? I would very much appreciate your advice.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE SEND THE FORM TO ME IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 02:48:47 -0800 (PST)

DEAR GOOD FRIEND,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I ASSUME FINE. I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL OF YESTERDAY. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE FORM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SEND TO ME?

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW TODAY IS FRIDAY AND AFTER TODAY THE COURT DOES NOT WORK TILL MONDAY AND I WANT THIS FUND TO BE TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT BEFORE NEXT WEEK FRIDAY. HAS THE BANK CONTACTED YOU, BECAUSE THEY PROMISED TO CONTACT YOU TODAY. PLEASE LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS THE BANK CONTACTS YOU.

PLEASE SEND ME THE FORM IMMEDIATELY TO ENABLE ME TO MEET UP WITH THE BANK MANDATE. MY REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS,

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU

Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 03:11:47 -0800 (PST)

DEAR MURRAY,

PLEASE, I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU MY PERSONAL NUMBER: 234-1-791-9130. PLEASE CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU CAN AS I CANNOT GET YOU ONLINE. PLEASE, IT’S IMPORTANT YOU CALL ME.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS,

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I apologise for the delay

Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 12:32:01

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your emails. I must apologise for the delay in returning the affidavit form to you. Unfortunately, my wife Elizabeth accidentally dropped some offal into our computer printer, so I have not yet been able to print off the document. I admonished her severely for her carelessness, and as we speak she is frantically cleaning the printer so that I will be able to use it again this afternoon. I hope to be able to print off the document, complete it and get it back to you before the end of the day.

I would telephone you if I could, but unfortunately our telephones are still out of action following the severe gales we experienced. We are hoping that the telephone company will rectify the situation sometime next week, if not before. It is a real pain: not being able to use the telephone is playing havoc with my business.

I asked your advice yesterday, my friend, about the troubles I am having with genetically-modified meat. You did not tell me what you would do if you were in my situation: do you think I should go to the authorities, or keep quiet about the whole thing? I hardly slept last night because I was worrying about it so much.

I am off to see Farmer Merino this afternoon, to see what he has to say for himself regarding his sheep. God willing, Elizabeth will have got our printer working again by the time I return and I will be able to get the document back to you before the end of the day.

Once again, please accept my apologies for this unavoidable delay.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Your CAPS LOCK key seems to be stuck on. Is there something wrong with your computer keyboard? You haven’t dropped offal into it, have you?


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SORRY I FORGOT TO ADVISE

Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 06:19:02 -0800 (PST)

DEAR GILBERT,

I GOT YOUR MAIL, I AM SORRY FOR NOT ADVISING YOU ON WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR SUPPLIERS.

ONE THING I WANT YOU TO KNOW IS THAT THE DEVIL YOU KNOW IS BETTER THAN THE ANGEL YOU NEVER MET. PLEASE TAKE IT EASY WITH THEM, DON’T HAND THEM OVER TO THE AUTHORITIES, BUT CAUTION THEM TO STOP IT FOR A BETTER TOMORROW. AS YOU SAID, YOU HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THEM FOR A LONG TIME.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS AS I WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I have attached the affidavit form

Sent: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 17:24:36

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your advice, my friend. “The devil you know is better than the angel you never met”... profound words indeed. I am not quite sure that this applies when the devil you know is tampering with the genetic makeup of the food that you eat, but I shall certainly consider your advice seriously.

Please find attached the affidavit form you sent to me. I apologise once again for the delay in getting it back to you, but it took my wife quite some time to clean all of the guts out of the printer. I imagine you will now have to wait until Monday to go to the court with the form.

My meeting with Farmer Merino opened my eyes this afternoon. It turns out that Farmer Gloucester was right: Merino is genetically modifying his sheep. Apparently, when he heard about what Farmer Gloucester was doing to his pigs (their wives got talking after bingo one night), he thought that genetic modification might be the answer to a problem he was facing. Apparently, his sheep were often getting stuck at the bottom of field drains, unable to get out. Farmer Merino went to the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University, and after some research, they were able to introduce some kangaroo genes into his flock, enabling the sheep to jump out of the ditches more easily. Merino was quite happy to talk about it, and jokingly called them his “woolly jumpers”.

Thinking back, it did strike me a number of times that the lamb shanks I was selling were unusually large.

This is more shocking news. Not only have I been selling genetically-modified pork, but I have also been selling genetically-modified lamb and mutton! If any of my customers find out about this, I will be ruined.

To my absolute horror, Farmer Merino also told me that he thinks Farmer Leghorn has been genetically modifying his chickens - which means that the chicken and eggs I have been selling have been genetically-modified too. I am planning to pay Farmer Leghorn a visit this weekend, to see if there is any foundation to these rumours.

This is all terrible news to me. I simply cannot decide what to do. Perhaps I should talk to Farmer Leghorn, then sleep on it.

Anyway, back to business. I look forward to hearing from you once you have been to the court with the affidavit. May I wish you a pleasant weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You still seem to be having trouble with your CAPS LOCK key. It makes your emails terribly difficult to read. Here’s a tip for you: try a touch of light oil on it if it’s sticking.

The completed affidavit form
(Click to enlarge)


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU

Sent: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 03:54:25 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR MURRAY,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I ASSUME FINE. I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW HOW FAR I HAVE GONE. I JUST CAME OUT OF THE COURT PREMISES. DUE TO THE AMOUNT INVOLVED IN SECURING THE SWORN AFFIDAVIT CERTIFICATE, I THOUGHT I AM ONLY GOING TO PAY THE AMOUNT IN THE AFFIDAVIT FORM. I DON’T KNOW THAT I AM GOING TO PAY FOR DUTY STAMP BUT ALL THE SAME I AM GOING TO A FRIEND TO MAKE SURE I GET SOME MONEY TO ENABLE ME TO SECURE THE DOCUMENT TODAY.

I WILL SEND A COPY OF THE DOCUMENT AS SOON AS I AM THROUGH WITH THE COURT PROCEEDINGS TODAY.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS AS I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Thank you

Sent: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 12:11:09

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I cannot pretend that I completely understood it; your dense, legal verbiage can be rather difficult for a simple butcher such as myself to comprehend sometimes.

I am sorry to say that the situation regarding genetic modification gets worse by the day. I visited Farmer Leghorn this weekend to question him about the rumours that he was genetically-modifying his chickens. Once more, the rumours turned out to be true. Apparently once he had heard that Farmer Gloucester and Farmer Merino had genetically modified their animals, he decided that he may as well join in. He wanted his chickens to produce larger eggs, so he visited the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University, and they have successfully introduced an ostrich gene into his flock of chickens, which now produce larger eggs.

What is more, he told me that Farmer Jersey, who supplies me with my beef, is genetically modifying his cattle! I shall have to pay the man a visit and see if this is true. This is all terrible, shocking news. Would you eat food that had been genetically-modified in this way? My business could be ruined by this affair. Thank God that you came to me with your proposal: I think I may well need the money if things carry on as they are around here.

I look forward to receiving whatever document it is that you decide to send me.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. By the way, your CAPS LOCK key is still stuck on. Have you not tried a bit of light oil on it? If that doesn’t work, I think you should buy a new keyboard.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I need your help

Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 12:33:27

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Following my email to you yesterday, I took it upon myself to visit Farmer Jersey. I found to my horror that he has also been genetically modifying his cattle, with the help of the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University. Apparently he thought that his milk was a bit bland, and wanted his cows to produce milk with a bit of a kick to it, so the Genetics Department introduced a gene from a mule into his herd, which had the desired effect.

I have found out this week that every single one of my suppliers has been genetically modifying their animals, illegally. This has got to stop, and I am going to be the man to stop it.

I have decided to start a petition, demanding that the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University be closed down with immediate effect. I am also going to report my suppliers to the appropriate governmental agency, stop accepting their produce, and find myself alternative suppliers. I am a deeply moral man, and I feel that this is the right thing to do.

I am asking all of the customers who come into my shop to sign my petition. I have also attached one to this email. Would you sign it for me please? You would be doing me a huge favour, and I would be extremely grateful to you.

Print it off, fill it in, then scan it in and send it back to me. You seem to be fairly handy with a scanner, so this shouldn’t take you long. If you could get any of your friends, family and colleagues to sign it too, that would be marvellous.

You mentioned yesterday that you were going to send me another document. I look forward to receiving it from you, along with this signed petition, so that we can proceed with our business.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

Gilbert’s petition to disband the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University
(Click to enlarge)


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: HAVE THE BANK CONTACTED YOU?

Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 04:53:04 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR GILBERT MURRAY,

HERE IS THE SWORN AFFIDAVIT OF CLAIM I TOLD YOU I WANTED TO SEND TO YOU, BUT IT WAS LATE IN THE NIGHT BEFORE I GOT IT YESTERDAY.

HAVE THE BANK CONTACTED YOU?

THANKS AND GOD BLESS,

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU

The affidavit of claim document
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Thank you for the document

Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 14:00:32

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email, and for sending me the document. Very nice it is too.

I imagine you will have received the petition I sent to you by now. When can I expect to receive it back from you?

My bank, Bartletts of Lincoln, contacted me earlier today to enquire whether I wanted to extend my overdraft facility. How on earth did you know that they were going to get in touch with me? You must be psychic, my friend!

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Your CAPS LOCK key is still stuck on. Do something about it, there’s a good chap. It’s ever so difficult to read your emails when they’re all in CAPITAL LETTERS.


From: Idris Abubakar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 09:46:33 -0700 (PDT)

From the desk of Idris Abubakar,
Director of Foreign Operations/Remittance,
Union Bank of Nigeria PLC
Tel: 234-1-7766753
Fax: 234-1-7595179

ATTN: Mr Gilbert Murray

RE: LETTER OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

We acknowledge the receipt of your particulars submitted to this bank by your lawyer, Barrister Thomas Adepoju, stating you as the next of kin to the late Mr Martin Murray. This bank is using this opportunity to sympathise with you on your late brother’s death, the late Mr Martin Murray, who was our reputable customer till his death.

Consequent to this, you are hereby advised to furnish this bank in person or through your lawyer with the following requirements:

  • The fund deposit certificate issued to the late Mr Martin Murray by this bank.
  • The death certificate of the late Mr Martin Murray.
  • A sworn affidavit of claim from the High Court of Justice of Nigeria.
  • A legalisation letter from the Ministry of Justice of Nigeria.
  • An approval letter from the Ministry of Finance of Nigeria.
  • A copy of your international passport or driver’s licence.
  • Your two passport photographs.
  • Reconfirm your bank particulars where this fund is to be transferred to, in order to avoid a wrong transfer.

Note that as soon as these requirements are submitted to this bank, the fund will be transferred to your bank account number 74053275 with Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK, within 48 banking hours via our correspondent bank in London.

Regards,

Idris Abubakar

Director, F/O/R Union Bank Nigeria


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Idris Abubakar

Subject: Thank you for your email

Sent: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 18:33:02

Dear Mr Abubakar,

Thank you for your very detailed email. I must say, this is all getting a little bit complicated with all these documents and everything. I will contact Mr Adepoju first thing tomorrow morning and get him to sort everything out. He seems to be a very capable man, so I am sure that we will be able to arrange matters to your satisfaction.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You’re not a vegetarian, are you?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Fwd: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 07:10:23

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I was contacted yesterday by a Mr Idris Abubakar, Director of Foreign Operations/Remittance at the Union Bank of Nigeria PLC, regarding the business we are conducting. Now I see what you meant when you asked me whether the bank had contacted me: you meant this bank, not my own.

Now then, this Mr Abubakar has asked me for a whole load of documents, and to be honest, I feel a bit out of my depth. He has asked me for the a fund deposit certificate, Martin Murray’s death certificate, a sworn affidavit of claim, a legalisation letter from the Ministry of Justice, an approval letter from the Ministry of Finance, and a copy of my passport and driver’s licence.

As far as I can work out, you have already sent me the fund deposit certificate and the sworn affidavit of claim, but I don’t yet have Martin Murray’s death certificate or the legalisation and approval letters from the appropriate ministries. Is this something you can arrange for me?

On top of this, unfortunately I don’t have either a driver’s licence or a passport. I have never driven in my life; my wife drives, and if I need to get about for work, my assistant Cranwell drives the butcher’s van. On top of this, Mrs Murray and I have had a deep mistrust of foreigners ever since we were overcharged during a visit to the Isle of Wight in the 1970s (present company excepted, of course, my dear fellow), so we have not travelled abroad since. Do you think this will be an issue? I could apply for a passport if necessary, but apparently it takes weeks for the application to be processed. Please advise.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS, How’s the petition coming along? You must have a fair few signatures on there by now. Send it back as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOUR ASSISTANCE URGENTLY NEEDED PLEASE

Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 09:52:13 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR GILBERT,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOU. I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT WAS WELL UNDERSTOOD. REGARDS TO THE DOCUMENTS, I WENT TO COURT THIS MORNING TO KNOW HOW I CAN SECURE THE REMAINING DOCUMENTS, AS I HAVE ONLY THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT WHICH I SENT TO YOU, AND THE SWORN AFFIDAVIT OF CLAIM THAT I SENT TO YOU. ALSO, WHEN I REACHED COURT THIS MORNING I WAS TOLD THAT I WILL HAVE TO GO TO ABUJA, THE CAPITAL TERRITORY, TO SECURE THE TWO OTHER DOCUMENTS. IT IS ONLY THE DEATH CERTIFICATE THAT I WILL GET HERE IN LAGOS, BECAUSE HIS REMAINS WERE DEPOSITED IN THE HOSPITAL HERE IN LAGOS.

MY BROTHER, TO GET THESE REMAINING DOCUMENTS WITH MY TICKECT FEE TO ABUJA WILL COST ME $9,800, AND THE MONEY LEFT WITH ME AFTER I SECURED THE SWORN AFFIDAVIT CLAIM ON YOUR BEHALF WAS $4,600, AND THE BANK GAVE ME A MANDATE TO MEET UP WITH.

DEAR BROTHER, IT IS NOT MY INTENTION TO BOTHER YOU FINANCIALLY, BUT AS I HAVE EXHAUSTED MY BORROWING POWER, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT I HAVE SPENT CLOSE TO $38,000 BEFORE CONTACTING YOU ON THIS TRANSACTION? PLEASE, EVEN IF IT TAKES BORROWING FROM SOMEBODY WITH INTEREST, WE WILL PAY THE PERSON BACK AS SOON AS THIS MONEY CLEARS IN YOUR ACCOUNT NEXT WEEK, AS I WAS TOLD BY THE BANK THAT AS SOON AS WE SUBMIT THESE DOCUMENTS TO THE BANK, THIS MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 48 WORKING HOURS.

ALL THE SAME NOTHING GOOD COMES EASY. I WANT YOU TO ASSIST ME WITH THE REMAINING $5,200, WHICH IS ALMOST £3,500. BY THE NAME OF OUR LORD WHOM I SERVE, HE WILL NEVER LET US DOWN, SO I CAN GO TO ABUJA TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY TO SECURE THESE REMAINING DOCUMENTS, WHICH ARE THE APPROVAL FROM THE MINISTRY OF JUSTICE, A LEGALISATION LETTER FROM THE MINISTRY OF JUSTICE AND THE DEATH CERTIFICATE OF THE LATE MR MARTIN MURRAY.

PLEASE DON’T BE OFFENDED WITH MY APPEAL FOR ASSISTANCE. THIS IS DUE TO THE CONDITION OF THIS WITH ME. I DON’T SAY THAT YOU MUST GET THE WHOLE MONEY, EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT ALL, PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH BECAUSE I AM STILL RUNNING ROUND TO RAISE SOME MONEY. BUT IF YOU CAN GET IT ALL, IT WILL BE APPRECIATED. PLEASE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS MONEY IS FOR BOTH OF US.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS AS I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE.

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU

NB. I WILL SEND BACK THE FORM LETTER TODAY. MY SCAN MACHINE IS HAVING PROBLEMS.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Regarding your email

Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 20:42:21

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I was surprised to read how much money you have spent already on this transaction. You say that you need to spend a further £3,500 in order to get the remaining documents. This is an awful lot of money. Could you please explain what exactly this money is required for? I may find it possible to help you out with the money. I will have to go through my finances first to see exactly what money I have available at the moment. The business has certainly been doing well recently, so Elizabeth and I have some savings set aside that I could use if necessary.

Today has been most disagreeable. Half an hour after I opened the shop this morning, Farmer Gloucester stormed in with a very red face. He was extremely angry: he had just read the letter I sent him, informing him that because he was genetically modifying his pigs, I was going to terminate our contract and source my pork elsewhere. He grew even angrier when he caught sight of one of my petitions on the counter. He accused me of trying to ruin his livelihood, and I accused him of tampering with God’s creation. We had a blazing row, and I feared that things were going to turn nasty. He only left after I threatened him with a meat cleaver and my wife threw offal at him. As he stormed out of the door, he turned round, offal dripping down his face, and warned me that I would be sorry.

Elizabeth and I were very shaken by the experience. We had just about managed to calm down and scrape the offal off the floor, when who should walk in but Farmer Merino, to whom I had sent a similar letter regarding his sheep. Another row ensued, once again ending with me threatening him with a meat cleaver and Elizabeth throwing offal at him.

About an hour later, Farmer Leghorn stormed in, accompanied by Farmer Jersey, both extremely angry about the letters I had sent them, informing them that I was terminating our contracts. This row was even more nasty, and the two farmers refused to leave the shop unless I agreed to buy meat off them again. In the end, Cranwell and I had to physically eject the two farmers from the shop, while Elizabeth threw offal at them from a distance.

I am most disturbed by the farmers’ reaction, and to be honest, I am rather worried about what they will do next: all four of them threatened me. The farmers have quite a lot of influence around here, and I fear that I have started something that I may live to regret. I am going to sleep with a meat cleaver under my pillow to be on the safe side. Elizabeth tells me she is going to place a bucket of offal by the side of the bed too.

I look forward to hearing from you precisely what this money is needed for, and to receiving the completed petition from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You are still writing your emails COMPLETELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Please stop doing this: it is playing havoc with my eyes.


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT ATTENTION NEEDED PLEASE

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 02:31:42 -0700 (PDT)

MY DEAR GOOD FRIEND GILBERT,

I GOT YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT WAS WELL UNDERSTOOD. REGARDS TO YOUR QUESTION ON WHAT THE MONEY IS GOING TO BE USED FOR, AS I EARLIER TOLD YOU, I HAVE THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE WITH ME, THE SWORN AFFIDAVIT OF CLAIM, AND AS I WAS TOLD IN THE BANK YESTERDAY, YOU CAN SEND YOUR WIFE’S DRIVER’S LICENCE AS LONG AS IT IS IN YOUR NAME, AND THEY DON'T NEED YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT. ALL THE BANK NEEDS IS TWO ORDINARY PASSPORT PHOTOGRAPHS FOR IDENTIFICATION AND ALSO FOR THEIR OWN RECORDS.

SO MY BROTHER, WHAT IS REMAINING NOW IS THE LEGALISATION LETTER FROM THE MINISTRY OF JUSTICE, THE APPROVAL FROM THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE, AND THE DEATH CERTIFICATE OF THE LATE MR MARTIN MURRAY, AND I NEED TO GO TO ABUJA, THE CAPITAL TERRITORY, TO SECURE THESE DOCUMENTS EXCEPT THE DEATH CERTIFICATE THAT I WILL GET HERE IN LAGOS.

MY BROTHER, ALL THESE THINGS PLUS MY FLIGHT TICKET ARE GOING TO COST ME $9,800. AS I EARLIER TOLD YOU, I ONLY HAVE $4,600 WITH ME, AND THE BALANCE I NEED TO MAKE SURE I GET ALL THESE DOCUMENTS IS $5,200. IT IS ONLY BECAUSE IT IS HARD FOR ME TO GET YOU ON THE PHONE, I COULD HAVE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING FOR YOU YESTERDAY. DEAR, I WANT ANYTHING WE WILL DO TO MAKE SURE THIS FUND IS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT AT LEAST ON WEDNESDAY.

PLEASE, DO ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO ASSIST ME POSSIBLE TODAY TO MAKE SURE I USE THE EVENING FLIGHT TO ABUJA, TO ENABLE ME TO GET THE DOCUMENTS ON SATURDAY, BECAUSE THE MINISTRY WORKS TILL 3PM ON SATURDAYS. AS I PROMISED TO SUBMIT THE DOCUMENTS TO THE BANK ON MONDAY, FOR THEM TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE DEALING WITH THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND/NEXT OF KIN, BECAUSE IF WE WASTE TIME IN PROVIDING THE NEXT OF KIN TO MY LATE CLIENT, IT WILL LOOK AS IF WE ARE NOT SERIOUS AT THIS CONCLUDING TIME OF THE TRANSACTION, FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE GIVEN A LOT OF TIME.

PLEASE, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO SEND THE MONEY TODAY THROUGH THE NAME OF MY JUNIOR LAWYER VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER, TO ENABLE ME TO MEET UP WITH THE ABUJA TRIP THIS EVENING. THE NAME IS RAYMOND DIKE AND AND HIS RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS IS 3 OLORUNTO STREET, ISOLO, LAGOS, NIGERIA. AS I WILL BE GOING TO COURT AFTER THIS MAIL, PLEASE AS SOON AS YOU MAKE THE PAYMENT MAIL ME THE INFORMATION AND CALL ME AS YOUR OWN PHONE IS HAVING PROBLEMS.

THE BANK HAS BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ON THE PHONE BUT THEY CANNOT GET THROUGH. PLEASE TRY TO CALL THEM. THIS IS IMPORTANT. YOU HAVE THE NUMBER WITH YOU, OR THE NUMBER IS 234-1-7766753.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS AS I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE.

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU

NB. DO I USE MY NIGERIA ADDRESS TO FILL IN THE PETITION FORM? LET ME KNOW IMMEDIATELY, SO I CAN FILL IT IN AND SEND IT BACK TO YOU, BECAUSE MY SCANNER IS OKAY NOW.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Thank you for explaining everything

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 12:06:09

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email, and for explaining everything so thoroughly. Despite the difficulty I had in reading your email due to the fact that, yet again, you had written it entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS, I understand everything now.

Following on from your email yesterday, I looked into the state of our finances last night. Unfortunately, they are not quite as healthy as I had hoped. Our costs have been rising, and ever since a large supermarket opened five miles away, our sales have been gradually falling. As well as the competition from the supermarket (selling substandard meat at a knock-down price, damn them), I blame the rise in vegetarianism for our falling meat sales. These damned vegetarians will put me out of business. I had also forgotten that we recently upgraded our bacon slicer and bought Cranwell a new delivery bicycle, all of which decreased the amount of capital we have readily available.

Unfortunately, this means that we do not have as much money set aside as I had hoped. Elizabeth and I do have some savings, but these are locked into a high-interest account and I have to give three months’ notice before I can withdraw anything from it.

All this leaves me in a bit of a quandary. Is there no way at all you can raise the money you need at your end? Please let me know.

If there is absolutely no way you can do this, I suppose I could always increase our overdraft at the bank: I mentioned the other day that the bank had contacted me, asking if I wanted an extension to my overdraft. I would have to do this without Elizabeth finding out, of course. But before I agreed to do this, I would require your absolute assurance that this transaction will be completed swiftly and without any problems: I would have to repay the overdraft very quickly to prevent Elizabeth from finding out what I was up to. Can you give me this assurance?

You mentioned the identification that the bank needs. Sending them a couple of passport-sized photographs will not be an issue, but unfortunately, Elizabeth’s driving licence is in her name, not mine, so I cannot use that as identification. Do you think this will this be a problem?

I regret to say that our telephones are still out of order: much of the east of England was badly affected by storms, and the telephone company is taking forever to get us connected again. This is intensely irritating, as well as being very bad for business. You say that the bank have been trying to get in touch with me. I will email them and explain the situation.

Regarding my problems with the local farmers, you will be pleased to hear that all was quiet last night. Thankfully, my meat cleaver and Elizabeth’s bucket of offal were not needed, and stayed by the side of the bed, untouched. All seems quiet today too. I am hoping that the farmers have got over their anger and that this will be the end of the matter.

You mentioned my petition. Please do fill it in using your Nigerian address. I think it will add weight to the petition if people see that this is such an important issue that people from overseas are concerned by it. If you could get your junior lawyer to sign it as well, that would be marvellous. I am sure he will appreciate the importance of this petition to me if you explain it to him. I look forward to receiving it, and I very much appreciate you filling it in. Thank you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Idris Abubakar

Subject: Regarding the funds of Mr Martin Murray

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 12:09:12

Dear Mr Abubakar,

My lawyer, Thomas Adepoju, tells me that you have been trying to contact me by telephone. Please accept my apologies for the difficulties you have had getting in touch with me. As I explained to Mr Adepoju, the telephone lines in the village are currently out of action following a very severe series of storms, and the telephone company has not yet reconnected us. I live in a very remote village, and I fear that we are not high on their list of priorities. This is making things most difficult, and is adversely affecting my business.

For the moment, I would advise you to contact me by email. I will let you know as soon as my telephone is back up and running.

Just to let you know, things are progressing very well at my end. I am currently working with my lawyer to obtain the documents you need in order to transfer Mr Martin Murray’s funds to my account. I will contact you as soon as we have all the required documents.

Wishing you a pleasant Easter.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please try to understand the situation

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 06:42:53 -0700 (PDT)

Dear brother,

I am in receipt of your mail. The truth of the matter is that you don’t know exactly what I am going through. I am worried and confused. Let me tell you my brother, this transaction is important more than any business you are doing now, but I know you don’t understand. If I had some way to get this money here I would not bother you at all. But as it stands now, I want to bring one thing to your knowledge. I want this money to be in your account next week because some people I borrowed money from are behind me and if this fund is not transferred to your account by Thursday, it means I am a liar to the people who I lent money from, and these people know me as a man of my word.

My dear, I am going to know if I will get some money from my brother-in-law. I am pleading to you once again, please try and know how much you can raise on your own side and let me know immediately. I have told you, even if it takes you borrowing from somebody, we will pay the person back before Friday with interest, I promise you that. I am happy you contacted the bank for them to know you are working towards this transaction.

Please my brother, I know you will not understand what is happening to me now, but I promise you that by this time next week I will be your best friend you have ever made. As you say you don’t have enough to send for the documents, let me know how much you can raise now to enable me to go to Abuja tomorrow, because I can’t make any move today again.

As regard to the driver’s licence, you can use your wife’s own if the two of you are using the same last name. Please send them to the bank as soon as possible.

Remain blessed in the lord.

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I will get the money you need

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 15:48:32

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I was delighted to see that you had not written it completely in capital letters this time. It was so much easier to read: thank you.

Elizabeth and I had the most terrible shock this lunchtime. Having thought that the farmers would not take things any further after yesterday’s confrontations, we were shocked to see Farmer Jersey pull up right outside the shop in his tractor, with his muck-spreader attached to the back. Before we realised what was happening, he turned it on and sprayed the front of the shop with cow dung! The entire shopfront was covered in dung instantly, and lots of it sprayed into the shop through the open door too. I grabbed my largest meat cleaver and ran outside with the intention of giving Farmer Jersey a good seeing to, but I slipped on the dung on the pavement and fell flat on my back in the vile stuff. As I pulled myself up off the pavement, Farmer Jersey drove off, laughing. Elizabeth ran after him, throwing offal at the tractor, but it was a futile effort.

We had to close the shop for a few hours while we cleared away the tonnes of dung from the shop front and the pavement, then each had a bath. Even though we have cleared the dung away, the whole shop, and Elizabeth and I, still smell quite strongly of it. It is making me feel sick even as I write to you, and it is doing our business no favours: who wants to buy their meat from a shop that smells of dung?

I don’t know what to do, to be frank. I could go to the police, but that might only make matters worse. I don’t want to provoke any further retaliation... and yet I feel a burning desire to exact revenge. What would you do, Mr Adepoju? I value your opinion, my friend.

Back to business. As it appears that there is no way you will be able to raise the money you need yourself, I see no option than to go to the bank and increase my overdraft limit. This should not be a problem, as long as Elizabeth does not find out. She would be livid if she knew what I was doing, and would probably throw offal at me.

Unfortunately, as the Easter weekend is now upon us, I will not be able to do this until Tuesday morning: the bank is closed now and does not reopen until then. I am sorry if this has messed up your plans to travel to Abuja this weekend. I hope that you will be able to travel there next week instead and collect the documents you need? If I go to the bank on Tuesday morning, I should be able to get the money to you soon afterwards. Please let me know if this is alright.

Regarding my wife’s driving licence, unfortunately I will not be able to use it for identification purposes. My wife comes from a very old and distinguished Lincolnshire family, the Doonvarnas, and as she is so proud of her family heritage, she did not take my name when we married. Her proper name is therefore “Elizabeth Doonvarna”, not “Elizabeth Murray”. I hope this will not present a problem.

Let me know if my solution is acceptable to you. If so, I will contact the bank first thing on Tuesday morning and increase my overdraft limit by £3,500, which I can then send on to you.

Are you doing anything pleasant over Easter? Elizabeth and I were going to go away for a long weekend, but after the events of the past two days, I think it might be safer if we stayed at home and guarded the shop. We could do with bleaching it from top to bottom as well, to get rid of the lingering smell of dung.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I was very disappointed not to receive the petition you said you would send me. Today’s little episode with the dung has stiffened my resolve to get the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University closed down. Send it to me with your next email, there’s a good chap.


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: HERE IS THE PETITION

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 08:04:25 -0700 (PDT)

HERE IS THE PETITION.

The completed petition
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Thank you, my friend

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 16:39:03

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for sending me the petition, my friend. I am now in your debt. I am sure that the signatures of you and your junior lawyer will add weight to my campaign.

You did not mention whether it will be alright to wait until Tuesday for me to get the money you need. Is this okay? I am sorry that I cannot do it sooner. The Easter holiday has come at an unfortunate time.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WAIT FOR YOU ON TUESDAY BROTHER

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 09:19:27 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

I received your mail. I am happy you promise to assist. I have no objection about what you said. I will wait till Tuesday to go to Abuja. The only thing is that it will take up to Monday 19th April for the fund to reach your account, but all the same I wait to hear from you on Tuesday.

Remember the name I gave for the Western Union: MR RAYMOND DIKE.

Have a wonderful Easter holiday.

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I will be in touch on Tuesday

Sent: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 17:26:44

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased that my proposal meets with your approval. The delay is unfortunate, but never mind. There is no point worrying about something you cannot change, such as the opening hours of banks.

I wish you a pleasant Easter holiday too. I promise you that I shall apply myself to this business with vigour as soon as the bank is open on Tuesday morning.

I must now apply myself with vigour to scrubbing down the entire shop with a bucket of bleach. Farmer Jersey will pay for what he did today, you mark my words.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I trust you are having a pleasant Easter

Sent: Mon, 12 Apr 2004 09:28:23

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I trust you are having a pleasant Easter break. After all the problems we had last week, this weekend has thankfully been trouble-free, so after we had scrubbed down the shop with bleach, Elizabeth and I have been able to enjoy our Easter break.

Yesterday was particularly enjoyable. Each year, the local children take part in the traditional Easter kidney-rolling festival, where they paint lambs’ kidneys with bright and intricate patterns and roll them down the local hill. The kidney that rolls the furthest wins a prize. No doubt you have similar customs in your village. As always, we donated offal to the local youth club for this very purpose, and I am proud to be able to say that one of our kidneys won the competition!

It was marvellous to see the local children enjoying themselves so much with our offal. A good day was had by all.

I am planning to travel into town to go to the bank early tomorrow morning, to get there as soon as they open. I will contact you as soon as I return with my news. I have a feeling that this week is going to be a good one.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I have borrowed the money we need

Sent: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 11:21:51

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I have just returned from visiting my bank in town. Swearing Cranwell to secrecy, I told Elizabeth that I was visiting Mr Hereford at the slaughterhouse again: as you know, I am keen to keep our business secret from her at the moment.

Nat West, my bank manager, saw me immediately, and we discussed increasing my overdraft limit. Unfortunately, as my business already has an overdraft of just over £11,000, Mr West was none too keen on the idea of increasing it by another £3,500. In fact, he suggested that we should be trying to repay the overdraft, not increase it. However, when I explained to Mr West that I needed the money to invest in the business (obviously, I did not go into details), he suggested that a short-term business loan might be a better idea. He also insisted that I should incorporate my existing overdraft into the loan, resulting in a total loan of £14,500.

We spent quite some time going over the figures. Mr West was only willing to lend me the money over a very short term, using our business premises as collateral. I have to admit that I hesitated before signing the loan agreement: the repayments are extremely high, and to be honest with you, there is no way we could keep up the repayments if I was not absolutely sure of receiving my share of the $18,000,000 that you have promised me. And if I was to fall behind with the repayments on the loan, the bank would bankrupt my business and repossess my shop, leaving Elizabeth and I penniless.

This would be a very worrying prospect. However, thanks to your business proposition, we both know that’s not going to happen. Instead, you and I are both going to be extremely rich men. You can assure me of this, can’t you? If our business transaction was to fall through, the consequences for me would be absolutely disastrous.

According to Mr West, the money should be in my account by tomorrow lunchtime. Therefore, I should be able to transfer the £3,500 to you tomorrow afternoon. I trust this will be acceptable.

All is still quiet on the farming front: I have heard nothing from any of the angry farmers since last week. I hope that is an end to the matter. However, you will be pleased to know that my customers are proving only too happy to sign my petition to close down the Genetics Department of Cleethorpes University. Thank you once again for your support.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GOD IS IN CONTROL

Sent: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 06:45:36 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR MURRAY,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I ASSUME FINE. I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT WAS WELL UNDERSTOOD. I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW ONE THING, I WILL NEVER DISAPPOINT OR LET YOU DOWN AS FAR AS THIS TRANSACTION IS CONCERNED, AND GOD WHOM WE SERVE WILL SEE US THROUGH. I BELIEVE BY FRIDAY THIS MONEY SHOULD BE IN YOUR ACCOUNT SO I WILL BE PLANNING TO COME TO LONDON BY NEXT WEEK FOR MY OWN PART OF THE FUND. I WANT YOU TO HELP ME ALSO IN LOCATING A GOOD INVESTMENT I CAN USE SOME PART OF MY MONEY FOR.

PLEASE, I KEEP ALL MY HOPE ON YOU AND I TRUST THAT YOU WILL NOT FAIL ME TOMORROW. I WENT TO THE BANK THIS MORNING AND I LET THEM KNOW THAT WE ARE TRYING TO GATHER ALL THE DOCUMENTS.

PLEASE HELP ME. WRITE TO THE BANK, TO LET THEM KNOW THAT WE ARE WORKING TOWARDS THE DOCUMENTS THAT WE WILL GET TO THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS AS I WAIT FOR THE GOOD NEWS.

BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: A terrible development

Sent: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 16:25:03

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, I am far from fine today. I am sorry to say that Elizabeth and I had a frightful shock this afternoon. We were right in the middle of serving Mrs Singleton with a pound and a half of finest tripe, when two men, dressed from head to foot in white protective clothing, walked into the shop. They ordered us to drop what we were doing and stop serving immediately. I put down my meat cleaver and Elizabeth put down the offal she was holding. The two men announced that they were from the Environmental Health department of the council. They told us that someone had informed them that I was selling genetically-modified meat! They told us that they were going to have to take away all the meat in the shop for testing. Worse, still, they told us that we were going to have to close down the shop, with immediate effect, until they had completed all their tests - which they said could take weeks!

Having dropped this bombshell on us, they ushered Elizabeth and I, and poor old Mrs Singleton, out of the shop. They then cordoned off the entire shop and stuck large signs on the windows and door, saying “BIOHAZARD - DO NOT ENTER”. They then returned to the shop and started to audit all of the meat and carcases. Apparently they are sending a refrigerated lorry tomorrow to take it all away so that they can test it.

This is dreadful news. I cannot afford to close the shop for a few days, never mind for a few weeks - especially having taken out that enormous bank loan this morning. But it seems that there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel helpless. All I can do now is sit back and wait, losing money hand-over-fist each day. And if they do find traces of genetic modification in the meat - which they probably will do, as I still have some stocks left from the farmers I upset last week - they could close me down for good.

I know who’s behind this. It’s those bloody farmers. They’re going to ruin me. Well I’ll pay them back for the trouble they’re causing me. I’ll pay them back tenfold. Nobody does this to me and gets away with it.

Now, more than ever, Mr Adepoju, I need this business transaction of ours to succeed. If it doesn’t, I will be bankrupted without a shadow of a doubt.

You said in your email that you thought God was in control. Well I wish he was in control of my bloody butchery business. I could do with his help right now.

Anyway, back to business. You asked me to get in touch with the bank. I will do so right now and reassure them that everything is fine. I’m pinning all my hopes on this now, Mr Adepoju: without your timely intervention, I am sure that Elizabeth and I would be out on the streets in a matter of weeks.

How do you think I should get my own back on the farmers that have done this to me? Should I poison their water supply, or slaughter all their livestock in the middle of the night? I would appreciate your advice, my friend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I note to my dismay that you have started writing COMPLETELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS once again. I do wish you wouldn’t do that, my friend. It plays merry hell with my eyes.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Idris Abubakar

Subject: Regarding the funds of Mr Martin Murray

Sent: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 16:28:09

Dear Mr Abubakar,

Regarding the funds of Mr Martin Murray, I thought I would send you a quick note to reassure you that things are progressing nicely at my end.

My lawyer, a fine, dependable chap, is working flat out to obtain the documents you need in order to transfer Mr Martin Murray’s funds to my account. I anticipate that we will have all the required documents within the next day or so. I will contact you as soon as we have them all.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Brother, I will never fail you

Sent: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 02:28:42 -0700 (PDT)

Dear brother,

How are you today? I hope all is well with you. I heard all that happened to you. I want to tell you something, any time somebody is expecting good things in life, temptation will come from all angels to make sure you don’t achieve that goal.

Please, if I may ask you a question, you told me earlier that you are a devoted Christian. Why don’t you stand temptation like this? If you may take my advice, I want you to allow the Lord to intervene for you. He knows why all this is taking place now.

Back to business. You said in your mail that if I fail you or if the money did not come to you, it will take you into bankruptcy. Listen my dear brother, I am a lawyer by profession as you know, and I cannot use my time to pursue shadows. Moreover, I have invested time and money in this transaction. One thing you should bear in mind is that by the grace of God you will be opening your shop with a new style after this week. We are the people holding up the transfer of this fund into your account now.

Please send the money and send the information to me as soon as possible, to enable me to travel on the evening flight to Abuja today. My greetings to your wife.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Thank you for your words of reassurance

Sent: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 12:24:44

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your words of reassurance, my friend. I hope that you can appreciate what a stressful time this is for me: my business has been closed down, the local farmers have a vendetta against me, and I have gone out on a limb financially in an effort to make our business transaction work. On top of this, the stress of keeping this information from Elizabeth is getting to me as well.

Elizabeth and I stood outside our quarantined shop this morning and watched forlornly as a lorry arrived to take away all the meat from inside. I dread the outcome of the tests: I am positive that they will find traces of genetic modification in my meat. If that happens, I may not be allowed to trade as a butcher ever again, despite your hopeful words.

You said in your email that I should allow the Lord to intervene for me. Well you will be pleased to hear that I have beaten him to it. Last night I took the first step in my revenge against the local farmers who have placed me in this situation. I crept out of the house in the dead of night, made my way to Farmer Leghorn’s farm, and put a large quantity of strong rat poison in his chicken feed. No doubt most, if not all of his chickens will be dead by now. That will teach him.

I am about to get Cranwell to drive me into town, to see if the money I borrowed is now in my account. I will get back to you as soon as I know.

I appreciate your support during this difficult time. I know from your words that in you I have a true friend: one who will never let me down.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: The money is in my account

Sent: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 14:18:08

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I have just returned from town, where I checked at the bank and found that the money we need is now in my account.

So, what is the best way to get the money to you? A simple bank transfer?

Alternatively, I could always transfer the money to you using the Guaranteed International Money Provision Service (GIMPS). I have transferred money using GIMPS before, to one of my suppliers, and was impressed by how easy it was to use. What do you suggest?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please send it through Western Union money transfer

Sent: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 07:36:26 -0700 (PDT)

Dear brother,

I received your mail. I want you to use Western Union money transfer or MoneyGram transfer. These are the speediest ways to receive money in Nigeria, so I can get the money and travel today with the evening flight. I want you to use the name of my junior lawyer that I gave you: Mr Raymond Dike, with the residential address 3 Olorunto Street, Isolo, Lagos, Nigeria. I could have given you an account to pay this money, but it is going to take four days before I will receive it and we don’t have such time now. I hope you understand.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I would prefer to send the money via GIMPS

Sent: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 16:12:49

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. To be perfectly honest with you, I have not heard of this “Western Union” you have been talking about. You say that it is the quickest way of transferring money to Nigeria. But is it secure? As you know, I cannot afford anything to go wrong with this transaction of ours, so I am keen to use the most secure method of transferring money that I know of. As I have used GIMPS before, I would much rather send you the money this way: I see it as a tried and tested method.

The GIMPS network operates worldwide, and transferring money via GIMPS is instant: it takes a matter of moments, and certainly not four days. If I send the money to you via GIMPS, I email you a GIMPS code. You then go to your bank - or any bank - ask the cashier for a GIMPS form, and fill it in using the details I give you. The cashier can then access the money via the GIMPS network, and transfer it directly into a nominated bank account of your choice, instantly.

Will this be acceptable to you? Please let me know, and I will arrange a GIMPS transfer to you first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, I will not be able to get into town again this afternoon - Elizabeth is in a bit of a state after the upsetting events of the past few days, and I do not want to leave her on her own in her current condition. She may start throwing offal around the house: she has a habit of doing that when she is upset. Or tired. Or moody. Or wants attention. Things get terribly messy.

I look forward to hearing from you, my good friend. I can almost taste the money we are going to make.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please brother, believe in me

Sent: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 09:34:03 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

I understand what you are saying, but the fact is that I have enquired for this GIMPS but they don’t operate here in Nigeria. What works here is WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER or MONEYGRAM, it is everywhere in the world.

Please my brother, this money is more important to me than you, I cannot because of this £3,500 lose what I am fighting for years now. I want you to trust me and believe in whatever I told you. You will never regret doing something with somebody like me.

I advise you withdraw the money tomorrow from your bank. Go to the nearby city and ask them about Western Union money transfer, and send it immediately because we have no more time left for all this delay.

I promise you that any amount spent by you in this transaction must be paid to you before the sharing of the fund.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I am surprised you have no GIMPS in Nigeria

Sent: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 19:30:22

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I am surprised to hear that you have no GIMPS in Nigeria. I would have thought that Nigeria would be full of GIMPS.

Never mind, my friend. I will do as you suggest, and travel into town tomorrow morning, find out about this Western Union, and transfer the money to you.

I will contact you tomorrow as soon as I have done this.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please send the information

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 01:52:54 -0700 (PDT)

Dear brother,

How are you? Following our phone conversation this morning, you said you have sent the money.

Please send the information quickly.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: You must be mistaking me for someone else

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 10:20:31

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I am somewhat confused by your last email. You referred to “our phone conversation this morning”, and said that I told you that I had “sent the money”. But I have not telephoned you today. I cannot telephone anyone at the moment: the useless telephone company has still not fixed the lines in the village.

Are you confusing me with another one of your clients? Is someone else sending you money as well as me? I do hope you’re not pushing me out of this deal in favour of someone else. Or perhaps you have been drinking, and imagined, in a drunken stupor, that you had spoken to me on the phone. Please explain yourself, my dear fellow. I am confused.

I had intended to email you earlier today, but unfortunately Elizabeth and I were woken up this morning by the police knocking on the door. They wanted to question me over the poisoning of Farmer Leghorn’s entire stock of over 700 chickens.

The police questioned me long and hard about the affair, but I am proud to say that I didn’t give anything away. I denied all knowledge of the whole thing. Eventually they left: they couldn’t pin anything on me at all.

Hopefully they won’t be able to pin anything on me after what I did last night either: I visited Farmer Merino and Farmer Jersey in the dead of night and contaminated their sheep and cattle feed with large doses of industrial-strength weedkiller. They’ll be in for a surprise when they feed their animals this morning. That’ll teach them to try and put me out of business.

I will get Cranwell to drive me into town and transfer the money as soon as I receive an explanation from you regarding your last email. I am now extremely confused.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE, I AM WORRIED

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 04:37:51 -0700 (PDT)

Dear brother,

I received your mail, in fact I am worried on the whole matter. I don’t know why up to this moment we can’t conclude this issue of sending money to me.

Nobody is taking your chance, because I saw many people before I contacted you. It is as if my friend who I told I was expecting money from my business partner, who I also told your name, wants to make fun of me because as of yesterday, he knew I was worried waiting to hear from you. I believe he is the one who called me this morning and said his name is Gilbert and that he has sent the money, and on the line I said okay, but in my spirit I know you weren’t the person, because I know if you call me we are going to speak at length, so forget about that: it is not an issue.

Please, I want you to go ahead and send the money so that I can get these documents please.

Thanks and God bless as I wait to hear from you.

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I will head into town straight away

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 12:56:32

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I must say, I find this entire business of your friend calling you up and pretending to be me extremely worrying. What sort of friends have you got, that they would mess around like that? If I were you, I would choose my friends more carefully.

No matter. Thank you for reassuring me that you are not pushing me out of this deal: you know how much it means to me. My entire livelihood rests on the success of our transaction, my friend.

I will therefore get Cranwell to drive me into town straight away, to transfer the money. Cranwell tells me that he has heard of the Western Union system, and that the bureau de change at one of the travel agents in town is an agent.

I will be back in touch once I have made the transfer.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I have transferred the money

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 14:09:48

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I have just returned from town. I withdrew £3,500 from my business bank account and went straight to the Western Union agent, where I transferred the money to Mr Dike, using the details you gave me.

The Western Union agent told me that Mr Dike would need the following information to collect the money:

Sender’s name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Control number: 3819684492

Test question: Favourite food?

Answer: Offal

I do hope the money reaches Mr Dike safely. The young lady at the Western Union agent seemed to be having some difficulty with her computer system: she told me they were having “network problems”, whatever that means, and it took her three attempts for the money transfer to go through.

Please let me know as soon as Mr Dike has collected the money. Do you think you will be able to travel to Abuja for the remaining documents today?

I look forward to hearing from you, my friend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Has Mr Dike collected the money yet?

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 16:23:21

Dear Mr Adepoju,

It is now over two hours since I emailed you to let you know that I had transferred the money to you. I had hoped that you would have responded by now, to let me know that Mr Dike has collected the money.

What is the current situation? Presuming that Mr Dike has collected the money by now, have you still time to catch this evening’s flight to Abuja to collect the remaining documents that we need?

I am counting on you, my friend. Do not let me down.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Idris Abubakar

Subject: Good news regarding the funds of Mr Martin Murray

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 17:02:41

Dear Mr Abubakar,

Regarding the funds of Mr Martin Murray, I am pleased to be able to tell you that I think my lawyer and I now have everything in place to obtain the final documents we need to secure the transfer of Mr Murray’s funds into my bank account.

I am just waiting to hear word from my lawyer that he has got everything tied up at his end. I will keep you informed of developments.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I got the information

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 13:56:09 -0700 (PDT)

Dear brother,

I got the information, but it was too late for Mr Raymond Dike to collect the money. The bank that Western Union operates has closed till tomorrow, so he will be there first thing in the morning to collect the money and I will be leaving by the first flight tomorrow as soon as I get the money.

I will mail you as soon I finish with the bank.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I look forward to hearing from you in the morning

Sent: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 22:58:10

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry that the information got to you too late for Mr Dike to collect the money. However, I look forward to hearing that he has collected the money tomorrow morning.

I have one more piece of business to sort out tonight. Farmer Gloucester and his genetically-modified pigs are going to have a very restless night... then my revenge will be complete.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I am worried please

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 02:23:38 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

In fact I am not happy with what is going on. The way you are treating me is not proper. I thought we are doing all this with one mind, but it is as if you want to make sure I lose the fund. But one thing I will tell you is that I trust you, even after you insulted me yesterday, calling me a drunk. I believe you know my position here in Nigeria. No matter, you are assisting me. You know if I had this money I would not bother you at all.

Imagine my junior lawyer going to the Western Union office this morning, only to be told that there is no money in the name of Raymond Dike. I went to the bank myself to confirm the same thing.

Please, if you know you really sent this money, scan and send to me the receipt issued to you by Western Union, as I was told by the bank I need this to take place immediately.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I will take action to resolve the problem

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 10:50:49

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I am most distressed to hear that Mr Dike has failed to collect the money that I transferred to him yesterday. I cannot think what the matter can be. If you remember, I did mention that my Western Union agent was having some computer problems when I made the transfer yesterday. Perhaps their computer problems are to blame for this.

Please accept my sincere apologies, and pass them on to Mr Dike too. It must have been terribly embarrassing for the poor chap to turn up at the Western Union agent, only to be told that there was no money waiting for him.

Don’t worry, my dear fellow. I will take immediate action to resolve this problem: I will get Cranwell to take me to the Western Union agent in town straight away, and I will find out what the problem is.

I am sorry to say that Elizabeth and I had the police round again today. This time they were asking questions about the sheep, cows and pigs that have mysteriously been poisoned in the middle of the night. They seem to think I might have had something to do with it. I can’t think why. Anyway, once again, they couldn’t pin anything on me, even after a lengthy session of questioning. I think we got away with it.

Nevertheless, I think it might be an idea for Elizabeth and I to move away from Gypping in the Marsh when the money comes in from our transaction: there has been a lot of bad blood here recently - most of it spilt by me - and I would feel happier moving to somewhere new and starting afresh.

With this in mind, Elizabeth and I have always dreamed about setting up our own specialist butcher’s shop in the city. I often feel that city dwellers don’t appreciate meat products as much as us country folk, and we could be just the right people to introduce them to the joys of offal. With the money we are going to make from this transaction, we could turn our dream into reality. I can see it now: “Elizabeth’s Offal Emporium”... “Gilbert’s World of Offal”... which do you think is the better name, my friend? I value your advice.

Would you be interested in investing some of your new-found riches in this venture? With the money we are both going to make in the next few days, we could afford to set up a whole chain of shops, and bring offal to the masses. What a truly worthy venture that would be.

I will get back to you as soon as I return from town. I am sure I will be able to sort out this problem, whatever the cause of it may be.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 11:54:10

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I have just returned from town. Luckily it is not very far... especially not at the speed Cranwell drives. Sometimes I think the boy has missed his vocation in life: he would be better suited to driving a fire engine than a butcher’s van.

Anyway, Cranwell drove me directly to the Western Union agent, and I am delighted to say that I have solved the problem.

When I explained the situation to the Western Union agent - I insisted on speaking to the manager - they looked into it and found that the computer problems they have been experiencing had resulted in my transfer getting “stuck in the system”. They did explain to me what had happened, but it was all a bit technical and way over my head. Something about a new computer centre causing network problems. I didn’t really understand it, to tell the truth.

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that they have solved the problem, and they have assured me that Mr Dike will now be able to collect the money from his local agent.

I explained to them how embarrassing this must have been for poor Mr Dike, and they apologised profusely. They also asked me to pass on their apologies to you and Mr Dike.

I am terribly sorry about all this, my friend. I have to say, I am sure we would not have experienced any problems had we used GIMPS, as I suggested. Never mind, it is all sorted out now.

Please let me know as soon as Mr Dike has collected the money. My entire future is riding on this transaction, and I don’t think I can bear any more delays.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Western Union receipt attached

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 14:52:09

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I am concerned that you are not keeping me up to date with what is going on at your end. Has Mr Dike collected the money yet? Please let me know what is going on. My future livelihood depends on this transaction.

I have finally managed to scan in the Western Union receipt that you asked for. Apologies for the delay, but Elizabeth dropped some offal into the scanner, and it took quite a while to clean it up properly. I have attached the receipt to this email.

Please respond immediately and let me know what is going on, my dear fellow.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

Gilbert’s forged Western Union receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: What the hell is going on?

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 16:49:21

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I am now extremely concerned at your silence. I simply must know what is going on at your end. I have put myself out on a financial limb here: I face bankruptcy within a matter of weeks if this transaction doesn’t come off.

I am assuming Mr Dike has collected my money by now. So what are you doing with it?

I have to say, your silence is making me very nervous. I am starting to wish that I had never got involved in this affair. I have stuck my neck out for you, and now you have simply stopped communicating. This is no way to conduct business. What about the $18 million? I am beginning to wonder if I am ever going to see any of it.

If I do not hear from you BY RETURN, I will have no option but to go back to the Western Union agent and see if there is any way I can get my money back. Then at least I will have a chance of paying back the loan I so foolishly took out at the bank.

We are supposed to be partners. Kindly start acting like one by telling me what the hell is going on.

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM BARRISTER THOMAS ADEPOJU

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 08:51:37 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

I went to the Western Union with my junior lawyer and I was told the money has not reached their place.

So can you find anything to do for me to travel this night, so by tomorrow morning I will be back from Abuja?

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I CAN’T UNDERSTAND. PLEASE BE PATIENT

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 09:02:56 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

Like we were told in the bank that the money was paid by credit card so it hasn’t reached them here.

Because by Wednesday everything will be okay.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I am confused

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 17:27:41

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I have just received two emails from you in quick succession, and I have to tell you, I am confused.

I am also relieved: when I did not hear from you, I thought for a terrible moment that you had collected my money from the Western Union agent and run off with it. I am sorry to have doubted you. Please accept my apologies, but try to understand that I am under a lot of strain at the moment.

But I do not understand what is going on now. I cannot send you any more money; I have already sent you everything I have, and I had to borrow beyond my means to get even that much.

By your email, it sounds as if you have not yet collected the money I have transferred to you. Why not? I don’t understand. I thought transferring money via Western Union was instant. Is this not the case? Please explain. I knew we should have used GIMPS.

Please, my friend, explain to me what exactly is going on. Do not leave me in the dark like this.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I will notify you as soon as it comes in

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 09:48:16 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert,

I have been online for the past two hours now, trying to explain to you that I have not received any money. I have been to Western Union twice today and they told me that the money you sent has not reflected.

I want to make something clear to you. I have not and do not have plans of absconding with your money. I am trying to let you understand that I am indeed grateful for the money you sent via Western Union to assist with this transaction.

It is probably the fault of Western Union down here, as things usually run slow. I promise you that I will get back to you as soon as I confirm the money. So please, I do not want you to disturb yourself. If indeed you sent the money then hopefully I will get it here and I will let you know.

I will be communicating with you soonest.

Thank you and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I apologise if I have offended you

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 19:18:21

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. Once again, I apologise sincerely if I have offended you by saying that I was afraid you had run off with my money. I should not have doubted you. I can only put it down to the amount of stress I am feeling at the moment. Please forgive me.

I am sure that if we had transferred the money via GIMPS, it would be in your hands by now, and you would be on your way to Abuja to get the final documents we require. Never mind. These things cannot be helped. We can only hope that Western Union get their act together.

Please do let me know as soon as you have the money, and please accept my heartfelt apologies, my friend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON

Sent: Sat, 17 Apr 2004 05:24:13 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today? I must be honest to you, I went to the Western Union again with my junior lawyer and they said there was a problem cashing the money.

Because it was sent through credit card, probably you should withdraw the transfer and send it through cash to the Western Union, or I should send you a bank account of my friend for you to send the money through it.

I hope the money will get to me quickly so that I can move to Abuja by Monday or Tuesday to get the remaining documents.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: We must sort this problem out immediately

Sent: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 23:10:03

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I apologise for not replying sooner, but Elizabeth and I have been away for the weekend, visiting the BBC Good Offal Show at the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham. We saw some fascinating exhibits, and picked up some excellent ideas for new meat-based products that we shall put to use if our dreams of an offal emporium come to fruition. The things they did with liver made my jaw drop in disbelief.

I was most distressed to read that you have been to your Western Union agent yet again, and still have not been able to collect the money that I sent to you. These delays are the last thing we need.

I am now desperate to get this transaction of ours completed. The first repayment on the bank loan I took out is due at the end of this week. Now that my business has been closed down, I will not be able to make the payment without the money I stand to make from our transaction. And if I fail to make a payment, the bank will repossess my business and my house, and throw Elizabeth and I out onto the street. As I am sure you can appreciate, I am now very worried.

To resolve this situation, I suggest that you visit your Western Union agent once more first thing on Monday morning and see if the money has come through yet. If the money has not come through by then, let me know straight away, and I will arrange to get the money to you by another means.

Things are now beyond urgent. We need to get this sorted out as soon as possible. Elizabeth has now definitely noticed that I am worried about something, and keeps asking me what is wrong. I keep on telling her that there is nothing wrong, but I can tell she does not believe me: she keeps fiddling with offal in a most distracted manner.

Please contact me as soon as you have returned from your Western Union agent tomorrow morning, and let me know whether you have managed to collect the money. We will move forward from there.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: REPLY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 03:32:22 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

I received your mail and the content was well understood. I just came back from the Western Union agent’s office and the money was not there.

Please brother, I advise you to go and withdraw the money back and I will give you a personal account to transfer the money into, so the money can reach me before Wednesday, as we have no time again.

I want this problem to be solved today, so let me know as soon as you withdraw the money from the Western Union agent so I can give you an account to send the money to.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I cannot believe the problems we are having

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 12:23:21

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email. I am extremely disappointed to hear that you have still not been able to collect the money that I transferred to you. You must be getting sick and tired of visiting the Western Union agent, only to be sent away empty-handed.

This will not do at all. I will take immediate action. I will get Cranwell to drive me into town straight away, and I will see if I can cancel the Western Union transfer that I made. Then I will be able to get the money to you some other way.

I will get back to you as soon as I return from town. I will be as quick as I can.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Problem solved

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 13:45:01

Dear Mr Adepoju,

As I promised, I have sorted out our problem. Cranwell took me into town directly after my last email to you. I went straight to the Western Union agent, and expressed my anger at the problems you and Mr Dike were having trying to collect the money.

I cancelled my original Western Union transfer - the one I made using my credit card - and made a new transfer to Mr Dike, this time giving the agent cash that I had withdrawn from the bank. The agent credited my credit card with the money from the first transfer, so there should be no problem there.

Given the problems you have faced over the past few days, I had intended to have no more to do with Western Union, but the agent assured me that if I made a transfer in cash, Mr Dike would be able to collect the money from his Western Union agent immediately. Therefore, this is what I did. The control number of the new transfer is 3819685661. All the other information remains the same. I have attached the receipt to this email for your convenience. Thankfully, I managed to keep Elizabeth and her offal away from the scanner today.

As you know, I am as keen as you are for this transaction to be completed as soon as possible. Could you therefore send Mr Dike to his Western Union agent immediately, and let me know as soon as the money is in his possession?

I look forward to hearing from you my friend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

Gilbert’s second forged Western Union receipt
(Click to enlarge)


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 07:20:03 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

I received your mail. The truth of the matter is that I have my position to protect. I will not like the youths in Western Union to look at me like I am a fool. I just called the Western Union office and they said the money is not in their system. For me to believe all you are telling me, as I can’t get you online, I want you to go to the nearest telephone booth to you and give me a call immediately so we can understand each other and talk one on one on how to settle this matter, otherwise I will not believe all what you are saying.

Here is my private phone number: 234-1-791-9130. I am waiting in my office to hear from you.

Thanks and God bless,

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: I don’t think I like your tone, Mr Adepoju

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 15:44:52

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I am receipt of your email. I don’t think I like your tone, my good man. How dare you doubt my word, the word of an honest, decent, long-established family butcher?

I have to tell you, Mr Adepoju, that my reputation goes before me in Gypping in the Marsh. My many customers have trusted me for years, especially in the field of offal production. I can tell you now with absolute certainty, nobody in the whole county of Lincolnshire comes out with more complete tripe than me.

But now you are doubting me. You, Barrister Thomas Adepoju, my trusted business partner, who I have taken to my bosom and entrusted with a good many confidences over the past few weeks. Nobody else but you knows about my feud with the local farmers, or the fact that it was I who slaughtered all their animals. And I have put myself out on a financial limb for you. How can you now turn around and say that you doubt me?

Is it not more likely the case that Western Union are continuing to have the technical problems they warned me about last week? Why on earth would I lie to you, Mr Adepoju, when my entire future depends on the success of our transaction?

If I were you, Mr Adepoju, I would return to your Western Union agent immediately, take along the receipt I sent to you, demand to talk to the Manager, and get this sorted out once and for all. They must have a technical support centre they can call to get this matter resolved.

An apology would not go amiss, either. You have hurt me, Mr Adepoju, really you have.

Gilbert Murray


From: Thomas Adepoju

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM SORRY IF I HAVE OFFENDED YOU

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 08:17:54 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert,

I received your mail and all you said was well understood. I think that is the problem. You may go there right away and check for the problem for us to conclude this transaction immediately.

Please go to the Western Union agent and explain the problem to them and sort it out immediately.

Note: please call me immediately you do this.

Thanks and God bless

Barrister Thomas Adepoju


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Thank you for your apology

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 17:05:49

Dear Mr Adepoju,

Thank you for your email, and for your apology. I now feel slightly less angry towards you than I did before.

I am afraid you must have misread my last email. I was suggesting that you go to your Western Union agent and sort the problem out, not me.

No matter. If it is up to me to sort out whatever technical problems are bedevilling this transaction, then so be it. It is now too late to travel into town and sort out the problem: the Western Union agent will now be closed. However, I will get Cranwell to drive me in first thing tomorrow morning. I will go directly to the Western Union agent and get this matter sorted out once and for all.

I will be in touch tomorrow as soon as I have done this.

Wishing you a pleasant evening. Keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow. I have had enough of these damn delays. I am sure that if we had used GIMPS, we would be home and dry by now.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: You will now be able to collect the money

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 10:10:21

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I am a man of my word. I have done exactly what I said I would do. Cranwell drove me into town first thing this morning, and we got to the Western Union agent just as they were opening up. I demanded to see the Manager once again, and I can tell you, I tore a stip off the man. I explained the continuing problems you and Mr Dike have been having, and told him that it simply would not do.

Well, fair enough, the man got straight on the phone to the Western Union headquarters, and sorted the whole thing out. He tells me that Western Union are still experiencing some technical problems, which would explain why your local agent was not able to see the money. However, he also told me how we can get around this: Western Union have a procedure in place specifically for this kind of occurrence, which is apparently not uncommon.

What you need to do, Mr Adepoju, is to go back to your Western Union agent today with Mr Dike. If they still cannot see the money transfer, simply ask them to initiate procedure “FU-G1T” on their computer system. I have been assured that this will enable them to locate the money transfer and complete it.

The Manager of my Western Union branch once again asked me to pass on his sincere apologies to you and Mr Dike. I add my own apologies to his, for the inconvenience you have suffered.

Please contact me as soon as the money is in your hands, then at long last, we can move forward.

I look forward to hearing from you, my friend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: Have you collected the money yet?

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 12:18:52

Dear Mr Adepoju,

I am sitting here waiting to hear whether you have collected the money yet. I am surprised that you have not yet contacted me. You must keep me informed, my dear chap.

I have to say, I have had just about enough of these interminable delays from your end. You may be interested to know that I have recently received a very interesting business proposal from a Mr Abacha, which is not entirely dissimilar to your own. Given the urgency of my financial situation, if I do not hear back from you by return, I am severely tempted to cancel my Western Union transaction and pursue Mr Abacha’s proposal. It sounds as if it could be extremely lucrative.

I really do feel that you need to improve on your communication skills. Kindly get back to me at once and let me know what is going on. I would hate to think that I had been wasting my time with you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Thomas Adepoju

Subject: FU-G1T

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 15:13:41

Mr Adepoju,

I despair. Despite my last email, you have failed to get in touch. Did the “FU-G1T” procedure work at your Western Union agent, or did they send you away empty-handed once again? I suppose now we will never know.

Well, I did warn you. Your continued silence has left me with no option but to get Cranwell to drive me into town and cancel the Western Union transaction that I made to Mr Dike. I shall then pursue the proposal put forward by Mr Abacha.

I feel that you have shamelessly toyed with me over the past few weeks, Mr Adepoju, and blatantly wasted my time. You should be ashamed of yourself. Well, I am not prepared to put up with such treatment. I am sure that Mr Abacha will be a more reliable business partner than you turned out to be.

In short, I have to say that I feel you have treated me offally badly.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


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