scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Member of Parliament


In which Gilbert, Member of Parliament for Gypping in the Marsh and master of the double-entendre, responds to an urgent business proposal in order to pay off a journalist who is blackmailing him. If only Gilbert could keep his trousers buttoned up, he wouldn’t get into situations like this...

Cast of characters

  • Gilbert Murray MP – Member of Parliament for Gypping in the Marsh.
  • Janet Alia – Gilbert’s PA, who acts as his right hand in more ways than one.
  • James Bell – allegedly a barrister based in the UK.
  • Philip Moore (alias “Alhaji Akowonjo”) – allegedly Executive Director of a Dutch security company, who appears not to know how to spell his own name. Or anything else, for that matter.
  • Tom Davis – allegedly an official working for the security company in the UK and Ireland, who also, quite implausibly, claims to be a United Nations diplomat.


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Business Proposal

Sent: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 03:05:20 +0100

Attn: Sir,

I am Barrister James Bell, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to MR KING, a national of your country who works with Shell Petroleum Company in the UK and he is known and referred to as my client.

On the 21st of August 2003, my client, his wife and their four children were involved in a car accident on a summer holiday along High Road, Buckhurst Hill, London. Unfortunately, all the entire family lost their lives in the tragedy. Since then, I have made several enquires to your embassy to locate any of my clients’ extended relatives, but all my efforts proved unsuccessful and to no avail.

After these unsuccessful attempts failed, I decided to track his last name in the Internet to locate any member of his family or his nationality, hence I contacted you. Now my contacts to you is to assist me in repatriating his estate in Dublin and the money which has been lodged in a security/courier company in a trunk box in Dublin, Ireland, and before the money in the box will be confiscated or declared unserviceable by the security/courier company where he deposited this money valued at about $10,320,643.

More importantly, the security/courier company where the deceased client deposited these huge sums of money has served me a writ of notice to provide the next of kin of my client or the box (money) will be confiscated. Since I have tried and failed on several occasions in locating his relatives, I am now seeking for your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased, since you have the same last name with him, so that the money will be paid to you while I will come over to your country for the sharing.

I will take 60% while you will take 35%, and 5% will be for expenses incurred during the transaction. I have all the necessary legal documents that can be use to back up any claim we may want. All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us to see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and I from any breach of the law.

Finally, if this business interests you, please get in touch with me immediately via my private email address for security reasons, or send me a fax at +44-870-1357120 as I will welcome messages that come only from my private email address. Also indicate to me your contact phone and fax numbers to enable me to call you immediately for more information.

I await your urgent response to this message.

Yours sincerely,

Barr James Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Re: Business Proposal

Sent: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 09:17:06

Dear Mr Bell,

I have just read the email you sent me, regarding the funds of your late associate.

Your email intrigued me – it certainly sounds like a most interesting proposal. I am never one to turn down a potential business opportunity, and as business opportunities go, this one sounds unique.

I am not quite sure how you obtained my personal email address, but nevertheless, please do send me further details.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent Response

Sent: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 18:40:18 +0100

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Thanks very much for your quick response. First of all you know am a lawyer and I will not like to tarnish my image. I promise you this business is 100% free of risk. The most important thing is for us to trust ourselves.

Now the requirements we need are:

  1. Your private telephone and fax numbers.
  2. The first and second pages of your international passport.
  3. Your mailing address.

I will use all this information to process the documents that you will use in making the claim to the security company so that you will stand as the next of kin to my late associate. This is the requirement. We will need to get this done and as soon as you send them I will start the processing immediately.

Thanks and God bless you. Looking forward to hearing from you soonest,

James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Thank you for your prompt response

Sent: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 09:23:03

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your prompt response. I can appreciate that you do not want to tarnish your image over this matter. Believe me, I feel exactly the same. As MP for Gypping in the Marsh I am obviously in a very sensitive position myself as well. As you say, trust is vital in business affairs such as this.

Before we go any further, in order that I feel comfortable doing business with you, could you please provide me with some information on yourself? I am a strong believer that the personal touch can make all the difference in business affairs. In return, I will tell you some more about myself. In this way, I believe we will be able to establish trust and a firm, lasting and profitable business relationship.

Also, I note that in your first email, you state that you will put me up as next of kin to the deceased. However, my surname is different. Will this matter?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Thank you for your prompt response

Sent: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 18:37:12 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Reference to your mail of 4th July 04 regarding your request about my personal identity.

I will not fail to let you know that I am an attorney to my deceased client, Mr Douglas King in full, and more so, my integrity needs to be protected as well as yours in this transaction. Trust, honesty and confidence will enable us to sail through successfully.

Furthermore, I will need your personal assurance that you will not betray the confidence I am trying to impose on you.

Please could you furnish me with your private telephone number so as to talk with you one on one? I will feel more comfortable discussing this transaction with you on the telephone.

Best regards,

James Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Regarding your business proposal

Sent: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 09:25:02

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. I could not agree with you more: trust, honesty and confidence will indeed enable us to sail through this transaction successfully.

As I am as keen as you are to keep the details of this business secret, I am afraid that I will not be able to provide you with my telephone number. I share my office in the House of Commons with a fellow MP, Ivan Tashag (the Member for Lymeswold and Churnton), and there is no way I want him to find out about it. Besides that, I have a suspicion that the House of Commons telephone lines are bugged as a matter of routine.

With this in mind, it would be far more convenient for me to conduct this transaction via email. It is a much more secure medium than the telephone. Is this acceptable to you, Mr Bell?

I think it would help us to build up trust between ourselves if I provide you with more information on myself. I have been Conservative Member of Parliament for Gypping in the Marsh since 1979. I entered parliament in that year as the Tory Party swept into power under our glorious leader, Mrs Thatcher. Gypping in the Marsh has always been a safe Tory seat, and I have managed to hold it at every election since 1979, even after Mrs Thatcher’s fall from power and the Tory Party’s subsequent decline and fall into complete irrelevancy.

I have always been of the opinion that MPs should have a wide range of business interests, and as such I hold directorships in a variety of high-powered multinational companies.

As well as my business interests, I also have a wide range of personal interests, and this is why I responded to your email: unfortunately, a journalist from a tabloid newspaper has somehow obtained a number of photographs of me in a somewhat compromising position with one of my researchers, and is demanding money from me to prevent him from publishing them.

As I am hoping for a place in the Shadow Cabinet following the next reshuffle (my name has been mentioned in conjunction with the post of Shadow Minister for Family Affairs), any adverse publicity of this sort would of course be disastrous. Therefore, I am in need of rather a large sum of money in order to pay off this journalist chap. Your proposal sounds like it could be the answer to my prayers.

Just as I appreciate your need for absolute confidentiality, I hope that you will recognise that I have a similar need. Any publicity on this matter would be disastrous for both of us.

Let us move forward Mr Bell, with speed and discretion. I look forward to your response.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Regarding your business proposal

Sent: Fri, 09 Jul 2004 16:37:39 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Thanks so much for the email, interest, effort and financial ability about to be employed to facilitate the making of this business successful, especially in the area of confidentiality and your proposed image to be redeemed and payment of the journalist. Perhaps this is a great opportunity to make the money.

A point to note is that a business of this magnitude cannot be treated by a wave of hand or a pinch of salt. In other words, I need to communicate with you and through your private phone which I believe you are entitled to absolute privacy.

So in this regard, kindly send me your phone number to enable me to discuss with you. At the receipt of this number a power of attorney will be given to you to proceed immediately to a designated place for the collection of the money, provided you will be able to do that.

Kindly as a matter of urgency send me your international passport to enable me to make a change of the next of kin in your favour and alongside with the power of attorney.

Note that you will be paying a token clearing fee at the security company, just as you clear your goods or claim a car from the refurbishing company.

I wish to emphasis that we can complete this business next week provided you live up to expectations.

Note that I have been considering your email as regards the none telephone attachment and other possibilities. It is unfortunate that I cannot carry on a business of this magnitude without proper materials and understanding the course of the business.

Please hasten up to meet my demands to avoid delay. I am looking forward in hearing from you.

James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: I am keen to move forward

Sent: Sat, 10 Jul 2004 09:24:36

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. I was relieved to hear from you after such a long silence.

I very much want to move forward with your business proposal, Mr Bell. As I stated in my last email, if I do not find the money to pay off this damn journalist, my reputation will be in tatters, and my chances of joining the Shadow Cabinet will be zero. On top of that, if my private affairs end up splashed all over the tabloid press, I have no doubt that my wife will leave me. I cannot risk this happening.

You asked for my telephone number. Unfortunately, I have to insist on conducting this business without recourse to using the telephone. The government introduced a wide range of security measures since the September 11th disaster, and I know for a fact that as an MP, both my home and office telephones are bugged as a matter of routine. The government takes the view that you cannot be too careful where national security is concerned.

However, I can offer an alternative, Mr Bell. I take it you are based in London. If you are not willing to conduct this business by email alone, would it be possible for us to meet up for lunch one day next week? I am back at my constituency address in Lincolnshire for the weekend, but will be returning to London first thing on Monday morning. This would be far more secure than using the telephone, and would give us a chance to discuss this business man to man. Lunch would of course be on me.

Regarding the fee you mentioned, I am sure this will be no problem. I always say that one has to speculate in order to accumulate.

I attach a scanned copy of my passport as you requested.

Please get back to me as soon as possible and let me know if this will be acceptable.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

Gilbert’s forged passport
(Click to enlarge)


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Preparation for joining

Sent: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 13:59:41 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your interest, effort and financial assistance about to be rendered to make this business successful. Your email is quite understood.

Unfortunately I will not be able to feature in the meeting proposed due to circumstances beyond my control as a legal practitioner who will be travelling to meet with other clients that I have already booked appointments with as I will not like to face the rot of law for not living up to expectations.

On regard to the information given to me as per your international passport with me, you have automatically gotten the money as I am now tendering it to the Dublin Ireland organisation to recognise you and accord you all respect as the next of kin to MR DOUGLAS KING.

Note I will give you power of attorney to the security firm as beneficiary and you should be paid on sight. Kindly prepare as a matter of urgency to go to Dublin for this purpose.

Note: as soon as you are ready, let me know to make further arrangements that will be OK for you.

I appreciate your co-operation and understanding.

Sincerely yours,

Barr James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: What do we do next?

Sent: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 15:07:09

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that we will not be able to meet up. I would very much have liked the chance to thank you for putting this remarkable opportunity my way. I had been hoping to be able to treat you to lunch at my club. The food is magnificent, and they have an extensive wine list. Never mind. Perhaps you will have some more free time once this business is over and done with? I would like to be able to thank you in person.

I have spent the morning dealing with a variety of trivial constituency affairs that arose over the weekend. The number of trifling concerns that my constituents come up with never ceases to amaze me… and they all expect me to do something about it. Do these people have nothing better to do with their time than bother me with their pathetic problems?

This weekend alone, I’ve had to deal with a local crackpot inventor and his deranged assistant who are worried about plans to drain Gypping Marsh and a local butcher who’s complaining because his shop has been closed down for health and safety reasons. On top of that, some barmy retired Wing Commander is complaining that a Cornish family has moved in next door and he wants me to get them repatriated back down to Bodmin. He says they’re constantly baking pasties and he can’t stand the cooking smells. As if I can do anything about any of those things!

I’m sorry to bother you with my worries, my friend. Back to business. I have to say, I wasn’t quite sure after reading your email what the next move is. It’s a problem I tend to have with you lawyer chaps: your dense and punctilious legal verbiage can sometimes be rather impenetrable to those of us without the benefit of an education in the field of jurisprudence.

What should I do next? Are you saying that I will have to travel to Dublin at some point in the near future to sort things out? If so, this shouldn’t be a problem. My diary is looking rather full this week, but I should be able to spare a day or two next week. Would Tuesday or Wednesday be suitable? Let me know.

Incidentally, given that you sound like you’re rushed off your feet, do you think it’s worth me getting my own lawyer, Welsby, involved in this business? He might be able to help us out and take some of the pressure off you. He’s a fine man, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles.

Welsby’s got the sharpest legal brain I’ve ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident in which I mistook an Albanian hotel chambermaid for an “escort” I had ordered. It was only when the “escort” turned up half an hour late that I realised I had bound, gagged and whipped the wrong person. Not only did Welsby manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the chambermaid and the hotel. Anyway, let me know if you’d like me to contact him. He could be able to help us out.

I must be off: our shadow treasury spokesman is about to give a speech in the house and I’ve got to sit there and shout “hear, hear” at appropriate moments. Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Next week appointment

Sent: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 18:38:01 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Your mail is highly appreciated. It is unfortunate that you fell a victim of circumstances as regards the chambermaid.

In regard to intimating your legal practitioner, this is unnecessary. Please do not tell anyone about this transaction as I have decided for my security’s sake to make it a three-party affair. That is you, the security firm and I.

Reference to the time mentioned, that will be OK for you. Next week is acceptable to me and I am equally notifying the security firm in Dublin that it will be convenient for you and them.

To this end I wish to express my gratitude and appreciation to you for your kind hearted nature of a person to bail one another out of financial predicament and scandal in the press. Hopefully you will defiantly win your deserving seat in the house where you will be grateful to God that you came by a person like me that is real to come by and you serve him for ever.

The modality for the claims is being worked out as per the information reaching me now that your presence will be required next week vide my power of attorney.

Best regards,

James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Next week’s appointment in Dublin

Sent: Tue, 13 Jul 2004 08:18:24

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. Once again, I found parts of it slightly difficult to understand. Please try and use less legal jargon: it can be hard for those of us outside the legal profession to comprehend.

What happens now? Will next Tuesday be acceptable to the security company in Dublin? I should be able to arrange an early morning flight that day without any problems.

Assuming that next Tuesday is acceptable, what will be the itinerary for the day? Should I contact the security company directly and make arrangements with them? Do you think they will be able to meet my flight at the airport? Please advise.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Next week’s appointment in Dublin

Sent: Tue, 13 Jul 2004 19:49:21 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Hi. Tuesday is OK. I will tell you later how you will be received.

I have heard from the MD about stocktaking and auditing and I will let you know how is favourable to us tomorrow 6pm London time having discussed with him.

Sorry for my use of language.

Best regards,

James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: I hope we can tie things up next week

Sent: Wed, 14 Jul 2004 11:25:50

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. I sincerely hope that we can tie things up next week: the journalist who is blackmailing me got in touch this morning and told me that if I didn’t pay up by next Friday, he would sell the photographs he has in his possession to the News of the World.

Worse still, the journalist intimated that he had access to sensitive information regarding me and a pair of choirboys from Gypping in the Marsh parish church. I fear this may mean that he will demand yet more money from me in order to keep quiet.

How on earth does this information get out? I don’t know, you just can’t trust anyone nowadays.

On the subject of tying things up, I visited an excellent private gentlemen’s club last time I was in Dublin, where the young ladies were particularly lithesome and extremely sensitive to the needs of those of a sadistic disposition. Next week will be an ideal opportunity to reacquaint myself with the young darlings. After all, there’s nothing wrong with mixing business and pleasure, I’m sure you’d agree.

I look forward to hearing from you with details of next week’s appointment.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: What is going on?

Sent: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 09:31:21

Dear Mr Bell,

What is going on at your end? You did not contact me yesterday when you said you would.

I am a busy man, Mr Bell, and I simply cannot afford to have my time wasted like this. When someone tells me they will contact me, I expect them to do so.

I must insist that you get back to me by the end of the day with concrete plans for my trip to Dublin next Tuesday.

I need to know what is happening by the end of the day as I will not available on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. As a member of the Select Committee for Vice and Prostitution, I am travelling to Amsterdam tomorrow on a fact-finding mission with my colleagues.

As well as meeting with the Amsterdam Police Department and a variety of public bodies during the day, I plan to conduct some additional research of my own in the evenings, of a rather more “hands-on” nature, if you catch my drift. I think that expanding one’s knowledge is always a good thing, and I plan to probe extremely deeply into this subject this weekend.

I will not be returning until late on Sunday evening. Get back to me immediately with details of next Tuesday so that I can book myself a flight. I suggest I plan to arrive in Dublin at approximately 10am.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I hope we can tie things up next week

Sent: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 14:33:20 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Your mail and position are quite understood and believe me I will not fail you, neither will I embarrass you.

It is unfortunate you had a broil with some people and I believe the problems will be resolved amicably at the inception of the fund.

I am very very sorry for my inability to respond to your mail as promised. It is due to logistics problems as regards to the security firm MD’s discussion with me.

With reference to my discussion with him as regards stocktaking and auditing of the firm he made it to me very clear that the time frame for your calling next week will not hold. To this end I made an alternative suggestion and stand instruction to please transfer the consignment to the sister branch in Holland to enable us collect the consignment next week as agreed upon.

Please as a matter of urgency prepare to go Holland and also remember you will be paying a certain amount of money to the security firm before the consignment will be given to you and please note you will be attended to by the security firm Protocol Officer following your telephone call about your arrival or sending them email of the date of your arrival.

Note: this consignment has just arrived at Holland via DHL courier service and I am just equally informed.

Note: I will give you later the name of the security firm, the name of the Managing Director, the telephone and fax number and email address, to enable you make your contact and refer back to me immediately.

Note: this business is a deal between you and I so don’t ask too much questions and this is a safe ground for us because this arm of the security firm is not aware of the late MR DOUGLAS KING’s arrangement with me as the legal practitioner with absolute power of authority vested in me by the law.

So I hope to hear from you soonest to determine my stance.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: What on earth is the money doing in Holland?

Sent: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 17:12:16

Dear Mr Bell,

I am confused. First of all you told me that this money was in Ireland, so I started to make plans to travel to Dublin. For example, I’ve already provisionally booked myself a suite at the Clarence Hotel on Wellington Quay for Tuesday night. On top of that, I have also booked myself a two-hour session with Molly Bloom at the Ulysses private gentlemen’s club on the same night.

And now you’re telling me that the money’s been moved to Holland! What the hell is going on Mr Bell? What on earth is the point of moving the money from one place to another?

Now, not only will I have to contact the Clarence and cancel my reservation, I will also have to contact the Ulysses and cancel my appointment with Ms Bloom. They won’t be pleased at that, I can tell you now. It’s not easy to get an appointment with Ms Bloom at the best of times, and she doesn’t like cancellations at all.

So now I have to travel to Holland next week instead, do I? This is ridiculous, especially seeing as I will be in Amsterdam anyway for the next three days.

Please reply by return, Mr Bell, and provide me with concrete details of precisely what is going to happen next week. Are you sure the money will still be in Holland by next week, or is there a chance that the damn security company will have moved it to Timbuktu by then?

This is most annoying.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The travel and money still next week

Sent: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 19:21:34 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

I am very sorry for the transfer of the money to Holland. It is because the security firm in Dublin where the money is kept is planning to take off its stocktaking and auditing of the company which will affect your collection of the money next week which I don’t like.

In order for us to collect it next week I decided to transfer it to Holland so that you can collect it next week without affecting our planned purposes. In regard to your hotel booking and your planned appointment with Ms Bloom, these will have to be rescheduled in order to meet the Holland time.

Note: the name of the security firm is FIDELITY FINANCIAL SERVICES, HOLLAND. The name of the Executive Director is MR PHILIP MOORE. I will give you the email address and telephone number to open communication with them about your Tuesday joining and receiving on arrival.

Note: about two days ago I did mention about stocktaking and auditing. It is only you did not take time to understand with me when I referred to the MD in my Dublin discussion.

Let me know when you have rearranged with your Dublin counterparts if you are able to cancel the appointment.

Note: the money will still be in Holland. Note: you will still travel to Holland next week.

Best regards.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Please let me know about the arrangements for Tuesday

Sent: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 10:38:42

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. I just have time to reply to you before I have to leave in order to catch my flight to Amsterdam.

It seems that I have no alternative but to cancel my travel plans to Dublin and make plans to travel to Holland. Ms Bloom will not be pleased. However, I am sure that I will be able to find myself a similar establishment in Holland. The Dutch have an admirably open-minded attitude to things like that.

As I told you earlier in the week, I will be returning from my fact-finding mission to Amsterdam on Sunday evening. I will be attending a Sunday evening concert at Saint Bodkin’s, the parish church in Gypping in the Marsh, when I return. The vicar has an unusually large organ which he is in the process of restoring. As part of the restoration last week, he had his organ buffed and polished and he is keen to show it off to the congregation in all its glory.

I will be returning to London early on Monday morning, when I will make travel plans to get to Holland on Tuesday. Should I arrange to get into Schiphol airport at around 10am on Tuesday morning? Do you think that will be acceptable?

Get back to me over the weekend and let me know what the itinerary is for next Tuesday. You also mentioned that there may be fees to pay. You need to let me know how much before Tuesday so that I can make arrangements. See to it, there’s a good chap.

Wishing you a pleasant weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The goal is set

Sent: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 12:42:10 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Your mail on cancellation and appointment reschedule is highly appreciated. The 10am fixed for your arrival in Schiphol airport is OK and also mention it to the firm’s MD as soon as I give you the email address to reach him in order to make protocol arrangements for conduction to the firm.

Please note, do not tell anybody or letting one person accompany you to the firm because our deal is not all that genuine, to avoid damaging of reputation to you and I as a legal practitioner and MP respectively.

Note: the security firm is not aware of any transaction between the Dublin and I as relates to DOUGLAS KING. Is only the Dublin firm that knows my position as legal advisor and estate manager of late DOUGLAS KING.

By veto power conferred on me by the law I have the authority to now transfer the title to you to collect the consignment on behalf of the late KING as next of kin. To this end I have sent your scanned copy of your international passport to FIDELITY FINANCIAL SERVICES, AMSTERDAM, HOLLAND, for your identification and delivery of the consignment (money) in trunk boxes.

Note: you prepare and go on the scheduled date and you will be attended to. And conversely send me an email that you collected it. The amount to be paid is about 35,000 Euros.

Kindly make arrangements for it to clear the consignment as the security firm will treat you with dispatch without wasting your time.

Note: I will forward you the firm’s email address soonest to open communication with them. And I am giving your email address to the firm right way to invite you for payment, so be on the lookout.

Congratulations in advance and have a beautiful weekend.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Telephone and clearing fee

Sent: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 19:54:59 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

My reaching the MD of the security firm on your intention to come on Tuesday, he said that is very good of you but the normal official protocol for collecting of consignments and administrative procedure must be observed.

  1. Your telephone number must be given to him to communicate with you at least for invitation amongst others.
  2. That you must come forward with the clearing fee of 35,000 Euros. This amount includes management services and demurrage.

To this end my friend, I will advise you strongly if we want to make headway latest on Tuesday to submit your phone number to me via this email address for onward transfer to the MD of the firm to enable them to prepare the delivery of the money to you.

Please my friend, let us work harder as the time has come that we should not relent on our effort. I count on your usual co-operation and understanding.

How was your trip to Holland? I hope it was eventful. I hope to join you up in the nearest time as God permits for the taking of my percentage for the purchase of properties and other investments where we will build as everlasting business partners and stay together as we go probably as your legal advisor and property manager.

Have a nice weekend.

Best regards,

Barrister James L Bell


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Temporary mobile phone for this business

Sent: Sat, 17 Jul 2004 17:00:15 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

How is your weekend? Hope rosy.

Note: I have again been informed followed by my repeated instruction to pay you at sight as the next of kin to DOUGLAS KING following my legal instruction and position as legal advisor and estate manager of the above client not to turn me round or embarrass me in the discharge of my honourable duties.

In the light of the above I was told that your telephone number is required to communicate with you as I will give you theirs to reach them too before proceeding.

Note my advice as I do not want to fail you, neither must you fail me as we have agreed Tuesday next week is still the D-day for you to collect this money. Please acquire a temporary mobile phone for this business and let us stop wasting time at this juncture to get the business done.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: We need to finalise arrangements

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 08:30:28

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your emails. I am pleased to report that I had an excellent weekend in Amsterdam. My colleagues and I were able to investigate Amsterdam’s vice and prostitution problems in great detail, and we gained some incisive insights to the problem from a variety of people, including the head of the Amsterdam Vice Squad, Mr Hertz Van Roentle.

The additional investigations that I carried out myself in the evenings were also extremely fruitful, and gave me invaluable experience of Amsterdam’s vice problems at first hand. It was hard going, I have to admit, but enjoyable work at the same time. However, my research seems to have left me with a rather embarrassing itch.

I got back to Gypping in the Marsh late on Sunday afternoon and headed off to the vicar’s organ recital almost immediately. What an astonishing evening. The audience gathered in the nave of the church to find a large curtain pulled across the organ loft. At eight o’clock exactly, the curtain was drawn aside to reveal the vicar standing in the organ loft, with both hands resting on his unusually large organ. His organ was a magnificent sight to behold, especially after the buffing and polishing it has recently received.

But that was nothing compared to the enjoyment we all got when the vicar started to play with his organ. The audience gasped in amazement when they saw what he could do with it. The vicar played with his organ for over an hour, holding the audience spellbound, before bringing the evening to a close with a shuddering climax. We gave him a standing ovation for his efforts.

Now then Mr Bell, to business. I returned to London early this morning and am ready to make arrangements to travel to Amsterdam tomorrow. This fee that the security company requires. It seems rather high, but it should not be a problem. I will withdraw it from my bank this afternoon.

You say that the security company requires my telephone number. To be frank, Mr Bell, I have had enough of this cloak and dagger nonsense. This is a business transaction, not a bloody James Bond film. I have already told you why I cannot provide you with my telephone number. You say yourself that this transaction is slightly dodgy, so there is no way I want the security services to find out about it. And there is no way I am using a mobile telephone; have you no idea of the harm the radiation those things emit can do to you?

Now stop faffing around – how dare you accuse ME of time-wasting, by the way – and provide me with the security company’s email address IMMEDIATELY so that I can make arrangements with them.

I have looked into flights to Amsterdam, and will book myself onto flight BA0428, which gets into Schiphol at 10am precisely.

I must go now and apply some cream to my privates. The itch is worse than it was last night.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Get back to me immediately

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 12:18:03

Mr Bell,

What the hell is going on, man? I am supposed to be travelling to Holland tomorrow – my PA, Janet Alia, has just confirmed that she has booked the tickets – and yet you still have not got back to me with details of what is going on.

I am bending over backwards here to get this transaction completed as soon as possible, yet you are drip-feeding me information as if you feel that I cannot be trusted with it.

Please send me, BY RETURN, the email address of this Philip Moore character so that I can contact him and make arrangements for tomorrow.

Please also send me precise details of what it is I have to do in Amsterdam tomorrow. You have told me virtually nothing up to now. I must know what you expect me to do!

We must get this transaction completed tomorrow: Miss Alia is already filling up my diary for the rest of the week. I am now booked to travel around some marginal constituencies in the north of England on Thursday in an attempt to drum up support for the Conservative Party. I will be exploring Upper Ramsbottom with Janet Alia in the morning, and then I am going to Cockermouth in the afternoon.

I am also busy this afternoon: I have to give a speech on family values to the students of the Uneidah Goodhart-Dicken Institute. I am not looking forward to that at all; the itching in my crotch is getting worse by the hour. I just hope I will be able to stand still on the podium for long enough without having to scratch myself too much.

Get back to me AT ONCE Mr Bell, and stop your endless prevarication.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: RESPOND NOW, GOD DAMN IT

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 15:03:23

Mr Bell,

What the hell are you up to? I have my tickets booked for Amsterdam, I have withdrawn the 35,000 Euros I require from my bank account and placed the money in a secure briefcase, and I am raring to go. Yet I have still heard nothing at all from you.

You must tell me what is going on tomorrow, or I will not be able to finalise this transaction.

I will not be messed around in this manner, Mr Bell. It is most discourtous of you.

You may be interested to hear that I have just received what sounds like a very promising business proposal from a Mr Abacha. If you do not get back to me by return, I am tempted to drop you like a ton of bricks and move forward with the scheme that this Abacha fellow is suggesting. I need to pay off this journalist chap one way or another, Mr Bell.

Get back to me IMMEDIATELY.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Get back to me immediately

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 16:19:35 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

I am very very sorry for not responding quickly to your email and the fact that I was saddled with my client’s responsibility in area of defence and counter-defence. I was not opportunity to get back to my computer and moreso your telephone number was not available, coupled with the fact that I went on a series of meetings. These barred my reaching you.

To this end I am very sorry and things will OK as planned for tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I have forwarded your scanned international passport photograph for identification at the airport. Moreso, you will told where you will be received by the Protocol Officer via email communication.

Note: at about 6pm London time I will forward you the email address for you to reach them and discuss the modality of receiver and payment.

I hope you had a beautiful weekend.

We have something in common to discuss when we come face to face.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell

PS. I am on the computer now.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Send me Moore’s email address AT ONCE

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 16:38:29

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. What a relief to have heard from you. You responded just in time: I was about to contact this Abacha fellow and find out more about his business proposal. Now that I have heard back from you I will place this Abacha on the back burner and continue my business with you.

However, please note that I expect a good deal more commitment from my business partners than you have shown to date. You will have to buck your ideas up if you wish us to continue as business partners after the conclusion of this transaction, Mr Bell.

I have to say, I am extremely disappointed that you have still not provided me with the email address of this Philip Moore chap. I’m supposed to be meeting him tomorrow, and still we have not made any arrangements for meeting up.

You will have to get me his email address before six o’clock tonight, Mr Bell. In fact, I need it by return. I am due to leave shortly with Janet Alia for my speech at the Uneidah Goodhart-Dicken Institute, and once I have left my office I will not be able to check my email again.

Therefore, please get Mr Moore’s email address to me IMMEDIATELY, otherwise it may be too late.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP

PS. You mentioned that we now “have something in common to discuss when we come face to face”. What do you mean by that? Are your private parts itching too, Mr Bell?


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Get back to me immediately

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 16:42:44 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Your quick responses to the events of these times are highly welcome, particularly the area of setting aside the required fee by the security firm and purchasing of your flight ticket in lieu.

Kindly as a matter of urgency advise me of your flight schedule to Amsterdam, Holland for onward transmission to the firm’s Director to enable them to make provision for your receipt accordingly.

Note: I will not like my transaction to be mentioned or related to the Abacha you mentioned which is not a citizen of this country UK and we have no business with them.

Look, Mr Murray, is very embarrassed by that singular statement especially to a legal practitioner of my nature with high repute and ever law-abiding citizen of this country.

Kindly apologise for it.

Note: it will not affect our business but I believe it will straighten our understanding and co-operation to success.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Send me Moore’s email address AT ONCE

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 16:57:09 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Reference to meeting face to face and discussing in common, I mean building everlasting friendship and associating in probably in business.

Let me advise you or caution you, never in your life put your hands into the Abacha saga as he has a dented image all over the world as a thief, a military dictator and above all a killer.

I am aware as a legal practitioner that his name is being used in some part of Africa to dupe people which I don’t want you to fall a victim of those scammers to avoid our losing money.

Note: you will get the email address soon so don’t bother so much. You will be attended to accordingly. I will not fail you.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: GIVE ME MOORE’S EMAIL ADDRESS NOW

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 17:01:42

Mr Bell,

For God’s sake, man, how many times do I have to ask you to GIVE ME MOORE’S EMAIL ADDRESS NOW?

What is it about this that you do not understand?

I have to leave my office in the next fifteen minutes and I will not be able to check my email after that, so I need to contact Mr Moore NOW.

And what’s all this hoo-hah about this Abacha chap? He sounded like a sound businessman with a promising proposal to me. Do you know something about him that I don’t?

As for my flight schedule, I sent you this earlier today. Janet Alia has booked me onto flight BA0428, which gets into Schiphol at 10am precisely.

Now stop messing me about and SEND ME MOORE’S EMAIL ADDRESS NOW, OR I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ARRANGE OUR MEETING TOMORROW WITH HIM.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: TOO LATE!

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 17:19:37

Mr Bell,

I now have to leave for the Uneidah Goodhart-Dicken Institute to give my speech.

Thanks to your timewasting, I am having to leave without having made concrete arrangements for tomorrow morning in Amsterdam.

As I have already told you, I doubt that I will be able to check my email now before tomorrow morning, before I leave to catch my flight.

There had better be someone waiting to meet me in Arrivals at the airport. Please ask them to hold a sign with my name clearly written on it, and to make themselves known to me as soon as they see me.

For the last time, Bell, send me Moore’s email address, so that at least I will be able to contact him tomorrow if there are any problems such as flight delays.

I am itching to get this transaction completed tomorrow. Quite literally itching.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: GIVE ME MOORE’S EMAIL ADDRESS NOW

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 21:13:44 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Please, this is the office:

Tel: 0031-6459-40500

Fax: 0031-6455-90341

Private email address: aakowonjo@yahoo.com

Please call them and also send an email telling them your time of arrival and the plane you’re coming in so that they can clear you accordingly. Also hold your international passport on your chest for identification.

Please don’t ask too much questions and let them give you the money, also obey their instructions.

Note: as it is I have instructed them to pay you where is convince to both of you without losing the money by assisting you very well. I will be on the net as and when due to monitor the transaction so don’t hesitate to send me an email immediately you are received.

I wish you a safe journey and best of luck.

You get the money. Please don’t mind if I make any mistake, provided you get the money.

Best regards,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Better late than never

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 23:01:20

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for sending me the contact details of the security company in Amsterdam at long last. Better late than never, I suppose.

You will be pleased to hear that my speech on family values at the Uneidah Goodhart-Dicken Institute went reasonably well, although I was rather distracted by the itching in my groin. It was rather embarrassing at one stage: I was talking about the importance of sexual abstinence in the face of temptation, and the itch in my crotch got so bad that I had to give it a good scratch, which resulted in quite a bit of laughter amongst the audience. Such are the perils of public speaking.

I am just about to go to bed, ready to get up at the crack of dawn to catch my early morning flight to Amsterdam. I will keep you informed of my progress tomorrow.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore

Subject: FAO Philip Moore

Sent: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 23:08:41

Dear Mr Moore,

A short email to ensure that you are aware of my time of arrival at Schiphol airport tomorrow morning.

I will be arriving on flight BA0428, which gets into Schiphol at 10am precisely. Kindly have someone meet me in Arrivals, holding a sign with my name written clearly on it in large letters so that I will be able to identify them. Please ensure that the letters are LARGE: my eyesight is not what it used to be, and I have to admit that I am too vain to wear spectacles in public.

Hopefully we will be able to conclude our business by midday. I am planning to see some of the sights of the city in the afternoon and evening before flying back on Wednesday.

I apologise for contacting you so late on this matter, but my business partner did not give me your contact details until about ten minutes ago.

I look forward to meeting you tomorrow and to doing business with you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Better late than never

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 07:23:58 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Your email quite understood and appreciated.

Please bear with me. It is due to circumstances beyond my control as I had a lot at hand just like you too feeling some on easy to comprehended especially when I could not find the email address.

Please I hope you have contacted Amsterdam and you have described your jacket colour for identification including your international passport as I will not like you to have any problem.

Note: if is possible to make a phone call that you are Mr Gilbert Murray and you are coming it is equally better especially at the Amsterdam airport and you will die because of the radio active in the cell phone as you fear the use. But I wondered how you are being reached by numerous members of the society you represent.

Note: human beings are mistakes and mistakes are human beings especially when you and I are hurrying and my pressure on the security firm on the other side we can make mistakes. Especially the security firm to avoid liability and making sure the money is delivered to you for you not to have right of recourse.

However, we will collect the money today so understand and you must understand.

Wishing you a fruitful safe journey.

Best regards,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore; Cc: James Bell

Subject: Where is your man?

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 09:56:39

Dear Mr Moore,

I do not know what on earth is going on. My flight landed at Schiphol about ten minutes late, but my PA, Miss Alia and I passed through Customs without any delays. I expected to find your man here to meet us in the arrivals hall, but there was nobody to be seen. I had a good look round, but I could see nobody holding up a placard with my name on it. What is going on? Did the chap forget to haul his lazy backside out of bed this morning, or what?

I am currently sitting in one of the airport’s cafes, which luckily has wireless internet access. Miss Alia is scouting round Arrivals as we speak looking out for the man, just in case he turned up late.

If she does not find him, we shall get ourselves a taxi and make our way to a suitable hotel in town. I’m sure the taxi driver will be able to recommend somewhere suitable. I’ll contact you when I’ve checked in and let you know where I am staying. Once I’ve done this, I suggest you send a man to collect me from the hotel, so that we can still conduct our business today.

I am most disappointed at this turn of events. I am a busy man and I am not accustomed to being messed around like this. Kindly get your house in order so that we may conclude our business today.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: What kind of incompetent imbeciles are these people?

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 09:58:51

Mr Bell,

What kind of incompetent imbeciles are these people at the security company? I did not travel all the way to Amsterdam simply to wander around the city and see the sights with Janet Alia in my hand. I came here to do serious business.

I have tried calling the security company using a payphone, but I cannot get through. I find the Dutch telephone system rather confusing.

As you will have seen, if Janet Alia does not come upon the man from the security company, we shall make our way to a hotel in town, then Mr Moore can send somebody to collect us from there.

I am not in the best of moods today due to the itching in my crotch, and this morning’s events have not improved my mood. Let us hope that the security company can get its act together.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What kind of incompetent imbeciles are these people?

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 10:36:26 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Please find a hotel and lodge in and use the hotel phone and call Mr Moore.

Note: they have been in the airport waiting for you and I have just received their phone call that they cannot locate you.

Then call them please to save time and money.

Why are you going with your PA? I would advise you ask her to wait for you in the hotel and I don’t want her to know what is going on not to affect my image as a lawyer and I don’t trust anybody.

Note: the security firm Protocol Officer was waiting for you and looking for you at the airport before my telephone call of your whereabouts and I did told them you may be having a late flight not knowing to me you are in the cafe.

Please send mail and call him to let him know of your arrival.

Best regards,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore; Cc: James Bell

Subject: I have booked myself into a hotel

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 11:06:40

Dear Mr Moore,

After this morning’s debacle at Schiphol airport, Miss Alia and I have booked ourselves into the NH Schiller hotel on Rembrandtplein.

Kindly send your man to pick me up at once. I feel rather uncomfortable, sitting around here with such a large amount of money in my briefcase, and am keen to get it off my hands and into your safekeeping as soon as possible.

Please let me know what time I can expect the fellow to turn up. If you let me know what time he’ll be arriving, I’ll make sure I’m waiting in the hotel lounge ready for him.

Please ask whoever you send to make themselves known to me this time. My PA and I searched all over the arrivals hall but could not see head nor tail of anyone waiting for me. Are you sure your man turned up at the right airport?

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: This is most annoying

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 11:08:20

Dear Mr Bell,

I am now sitting in the lounge of the NH Schiller hotel in Amsterdam, where Miss Alia and I have booked ourselves a room for the night. I have contacted Mr Moore and asked him to send his man to collect me immediately.

The events of this morning have been most annoying. I hope the security firm bucks its ideas up. I do not appreciate being messed around in this manner.

You asked why I brought Miss Alia along with me. I go everywhere with Janet Alia. I could not do without her; she acts as my right hand. In more ways than one.

We may well avail ourselves of a spot of lunch at the Brasserie Schiller: it has been some time since breakfast and Miss Alia has just told me that she has a large hole that needs filling.

I will keep you informed of developments.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell; Cc: Philip Moore

Subject: There is still no sign of anyone from the security company

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 12:12:25

Dear Mr Bell,

After an excellent lunch at the Brasserie Schiller, I am sorry to report that there is still no sign of anyone from the security company. What is going on? Janet Alia and I have been waiting in the hotel lounge for quite some time now.

I must say, the Dutch people we have met so far on this trip have been extremely friendly. Miss Alia got chatting to a Dutch army officer in the hotel bar. They got on so well together that he even invited Miss Alia back to his army camp to watch him direct his soldiers on the parade ground this afternoon. Had it not been for our tight schedule, I am sure she would have enjoyed looking on as he made his privates stand to attention for her.

Miss Alia also got talking to a Dutch naval captain in the bar. All the girls love a sailor, as they say, and I know for certain that Miss Alia has always had a soft spot for seamen. I remember taking her to a Royal Navy dinner some years ago, to which she wore a particularly revealing dress. The naval officers were drawn to her like magnets, and by the end of the evening she had seamen all over her.

I myself got talking to a very nice young jewellery maker who owns a workshop near the hotel. He had a case of jewellery samples with him, and I was particularly taken with a fine gold sovereign ring. I decided to try it on to see if it would fit. I inserted my finger into his ring and pushed it in all the way to the knuckle, but no matter how hard I wiggled it about, I could not push my finger in any further; his ring was simply too tight for me.

After seeing that his ring was too tight, the jeweller told me that he had a tool in his workshop that he could use to widen it for me. He said that the workshop was located in a small alleyway around the back of the hotel, and offered to take me up the back passage there and then and show me what he could do with his tool. I was sorely tempted, but felt that I had to decline: I did not want to miss Mr Moore or his Protocol Officer.

That is, of course, presuming that Mr Moore or his Protocol Officer are coming to pick me up at the hotel. There has been no sign of them at all, and I am getting extremely irritated. In fact, I have not heard a thing from Mr Moore ever since I arrived in Amsterdam.

This is no way to do business. If nobody turns up within the next hour, I am tempted to give up on this whole affair.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Happy arrival and lodging

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 12:13:17 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Am sorry for the problems you went through this morning, probably you did not furnish them with your flight schedule informing them the airline and time.

Is good you check into a hotel for a little rest and safekeeping of the money.

Please send them an email and call them informing them of your arrival and a hotel lodged.

And name of hotel, room number and other things necessary should be mentioned to them on the phone or fax.

Am waiting for your reply that you done these things so that we do not shift blame to one another. Am also a busy man like you with clients’ telephone calls and several court cases at hand to handle. Am only managing to unburden myself to attend to you.

Note: everyone has a right hand in business but at times there is need to listen to business partners.

I await your response.

Best regards,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell; Cc: Philip Moore

Subject: Mr Moore knows where I am. Where the hell is he?

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 12:27:02

Dear Mr Bell,

Thank you for your email. I appreciate that you too are a busy man, and I appreciate the time you are taking to deal with this matter.

However, I am becoming increasingly frustrated by this Moore character. I sent him precise details of my flight schedule, including the airline, flight number and arrival time, and yet despite this the man did not manage to send someone to meet me.

On top of this, I have sent Moore a number of emails, explaining exactly where I am, and yet he has not had the decency to reply to a single on of them. Nor has he sent anyone to meet me. This is simply rude, Mr Bell.

I have tried to call Moore on a number of occasions, but cannot get through to him. I cannot send the man a fax because I do not have a fax machine. This is why I have been sending him emails.

Mr Moore knows where I am. Where the hell is he?

If nobody turns up here to pick me up within the hour, you can forget about this entire business. I do not suffer fools glady, and I will not have my time wasted like this.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell; Cc: Philip Moore

Subject: Still no sign of Moore or his cronies

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 14:14:26

Mr Bell,

I have been sitting here in the lounge of the NH Schiller hotel for hours now, with my trusty Janet Alia by my side. And yet there has been so sign of this Moore character or his cronies.

I have just about had enough of this, Mr Bell. I have become increasingly more irritated as the hours have ticked by, and the itching in my crotch is now almost unbearable.

Luckily, Miss Alia is managing to keep herself amused by chatting to the other people in the lounge. She got talking to a motorcycle enthusiast earlier, who told her that he had one of the most powerful bikes in Holland. Miss Alia was quite excited by the thought of having so much raw power between her legs, and the biker had a spare crash helmet with him. He told Miss Alia that she should slip on his shiny purple helmet and try it for size, and that if it fitted her, he would give her the ride of her life. Unfortunately, she had to decline his kind offer.

I did think I saw one of Moore’s men a bit earlier, when an unsavoury-looking character shambled into the hotel lounge, but he turned out to be a passing tramp and the hotel staff threw him out onto the street.

I have to tell you, I have been chatting to a very interesting chap while I’ve been waiting for Moore or his sidekick to show up, called Philip Adaba. He tells me he’s the lawyer of the wife of the ex-President of Liberia and he’s looking for help getting some of her husband’s millions out of the country. It sounds like it could be a very profitable enterprise, and I’m seriously interested. I’ve got all the money I would need for his proposition right here in my briefcase, thanks to Moore’s cock-ups.

This is an ultimatum. Either Moore sends one of his goons to the hotel immediately to pick me up, so that we can conclude our business today, or I am going to forget this entire business and accept Adaba’s more than generous offer.

Either Moore sends his man to get me IMMEDIATELY, or you can wave goodbye to me and my money.

Get back to me by return. I am waiting.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell; Cc: Philip Moore

Subject: I have decided to move forward with Mr Adaba

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 14:49:30

Mr Bell,

I have had enough. This whole business has been a fiasco right from the start. First of all this money flits across Europe with no warning, forcing me to cancel my travel plans to Dublin. Then I arrive in Amsterdam as arranged, only to find that there is nobody from the so-called “security company” here to meet me. To make matters worse, nobody from this so-called “security company” has even had the decency to contact me to explain matters.

I have never dealt with a more incompetent load of imbeciles in my life. I find it hard to believe that your or Moore could pass muster as toilet cleaners, never mind as a “barrister” or as an “Executive Director” of a security company.

As a result of your pathetic gooning, I have decided to move forward with Mr Adaba’s business proposal. The man puts himself across in a very professional manner, which is a total contrast to the moronic way you have dealt with this business.

Incidentally, I mentioned your details to Mr Adaba, and he seems to think that you may not be all you say you are. Given the nature of the business you involved me with, Mr Adaba has suggested that you and Moore could actually be “advance fee fraudsters”. And very bad ones at that.

Can this be true, Mr Bell? Can it possibly be true that as well as being incompetent buffoons who probably have trouble tying their own shoelaces, you and Moore are also contemptible crooks?

If so, I am better off out of your so-called “business proposal”.

I have to say, being an MP does have its advantages. With my inside access to Britain’s security services, I will be able to have you and Moore checked out thoroughly. And if it does turn out that you are crooked as well as stupid, I will be able to have you tracked down and arrested. Or shot. Attempting to defraud a Member of Her Majesty’s Parliament is a very serious offence, and not one that the security services will take lightly.

Of course, if you are both honest, you have nothing at all to worry about...

I must go now. I have promised to show my lovely Janet Alia around the sights of Amsterdam.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have decided to move forward with Mr Adaba

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 15:01:50 +0100

Hi,

Take it easy. You will be attended to. Maybe he is busy too.

Continue to call him. He will answer you.

Also rest in the hotel and probably past a night.

Thanks,

Barrister Bell


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have decided to move forward with Mr Adaba

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 15:26:46 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Please send me the hotel telephone number for me to give it to Mr Philip Moore to discuss with you and send a Protocol Officer to pick you now.

Please I am waiting for this reply now as I have no time and your complaint is disturbing me and my business including your known payment by now as I expected it must have been done before now.

Please, your hotel phone number is needed by me now if we want to move ahead.

Bell


From: Alhaji Akowonjo

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have booked myself into a hotel

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 07:49:40 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Murray,

We sent our Protocol Officer to pick you but he came back without seeing you, it is not our fault. Maybe you did not see him. Try to give us the number of the hotel as to enable us to meet you or you can call 0031-6459-40500.

Mr More


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Telephone number please hotel

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 16:03:00 +0100

Hello Mr Murray,

Please call him now, his number is 0031-6459-40500, and discuss with him that you are waiting for him and I have sent him email of my intention to sue the firm in case of misplaced priority and absolute dereliction of duty which I will not take kindly.

Please send me the hotel room number and telephone number immediately. I am waiting for it now as I don’t want any blame from anybody and no one will repudiate debt when I go to court.

Please complete your own side of the business, just like mine too.

I pity your PA Miss Alia. I hope she will understand with us and I hope to see her as soon as I come and plead for forgiveness of the little stress she has gone through.

Any compensation in a lighter mood, laugh. Back to business please. Relax it will soon be over. I guess you bill today for it.

Don’t forget your Friday arrangement as I don’t want your name to be dragged into mud. Your debt must be liquidated this week as planned to enable you have sigh of relief and a comfortable breathing space for us to plan further.

I hope you are on net now or are you resting in your room? I am becoming disturbed like you too.

Note: my words are my bond as relate to Chartered Institute of Bankers London as relate to money and banking.

If I was doing business without success, especially in area of legal jurisprudence and estate manager of clients, I don’t think my millions of clients reaching me now all over the world would have done so.

This is a little space for us to talk until when we finally relax over these millions and laugh over our success.

Please get back to me now.

Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji Akowonjo; Cc: James Bell

Subject: What the bloody hell is going on?

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 16:42:09

Alhaji Akowonjo/Philip Moore/Whoever the hell you are,

Kindly explain what is going on. I have been sending emails to “Philip Moore” all day and have not had any response. Now, I get a response from somebody who claims to be “Mr More”, but who does not appear to know how to spell his own name correctly. On top of that, the email actually appears to come from someone called “Alhaji Akowonjo”.

What the bloody hell is going on? I can smell something fishy here. And I’m not talking about Janet Alia. You are sounding more and more like the despicable and incompetent “advance fee fraudsters” that Mr Adaba claims you to be.

Whoever you are, for the last time, YOU KNOW WHERE I AM. I am in the NH Schiller hotel on Rembrandtplein. What the bloody hell do you need the phone number of the hotel for? You are supposed to be coming to pick me up. And if you want the phone number, use a telephone directory. That is assuming you can read.

Although discussions with Mr Abacha have moved forward somewhat, I am still willing to give you one last chance to prove yourself to me.

If you still want to move forward with this business transaction, come and pick me up at the hotel IMMEDIATELY.

If one of your goons is not here in the hotel lounge within the hour I will assume that you are indeed nothing but advance fee fraudsters, in which case I shall pass all your details onto the British security services and have you pursued without mercy. Our agents have a licence to kill, in case you were unaware of that fact.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What the bloody hell is going on?

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 16:54:14 +0100

Hi Murray,

They will attend to you now.

Please you talk too much, limit it.

Note: everyone cannot speak English like the owner.

You will picked soon, relax.

Regards,

Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Don’t you dare tell me to shut up

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 17:04:37

Mr Bell,

Don’t you dare tell me to shut up. Kindly remember who you are addressing.

As for not everybody being able to speak English “like the owner”, you are correct. However, it is generally considered normal for someone to be able to spell their own name, unlike this “Alhaji Akowonjo/Philip Moore” character.

If you and Moore want to prove Mr Adaba wrong, and prove to me that you are not just a grubby little bunch of advance fee fraudsters, the damn security company had better send someone to meet me here AT ONCE.

I am not in a good mood.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Alhaji Akowonjo; Cc: James Bell

Subject: I AM WAITING

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 17:27:38

Dear Mr Moore/Mr Akowonjo/whoever,

I am still waiting for your man to show up at the hotel.

My patience is wearing thin.

You cross a British MP at your peril.

This is your last chance.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I AM WAITING

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 17:54:52 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

I am highly disappointed over your attitude to business especially when you don’t do things maturely.

Please, for business sake, if you want to go ahead let me have your telephone number.

Note: the security MD has been to the airport to check the manifest and the hotel you mentioned. I now believe that there is a foul play.

I have just called a hotel that has that name like only to discover you are nowhere to be found.

If you are serious give your phone number. If you cannot, forget about the business as I am already making efforts to collect the money by proxy.

Bye-bye,

Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Call me now at the hotel and let us sort this out

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 18:15:09

Mr Bell,

I read your email with a mixture of anger and disbelief. I am angry because after an entire day in which this shady “Mr Moore” character has messed me about, you are now accusing me of messing you about. I cannot believe it.

As for checking with the hotel – and you obviously have their telephone number – I am not surprised that you have not come across my name. We are booked into a double room under the name of my parliamentary colleague, Ivan Tashag. I did this (rather than using my own name) to prevent Mrs Murray from finding out that I have shared a double room with Janet Alia.

Call me now at the hotel, Mr Bell. Ask the receptionist for “Ivan Tashag” and she will put you right through to me.

Do this now. We need to sort this out immediately.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Call me now at the hotel and let us sort this out

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 18:22:12 +0100

Sorry, I cannot continue with you if you cannot give me your phone number.

Thanks,

Bell


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Am waiting

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 18:55:24 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

What you will do now is send me the hotel number. First thing tomorrow morning the security firm MD will come himself to meet with you and send the room number with it.

If not, forget about the business.

Bye bye,

Bell


From: Philip Moore

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM SORRY

Sent: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 15:47:57 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR SIR,

I AM VERY SORRY FOR NOT SEEING YOU TODAY. IT’S NOT MY WISH BUT JUST BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THINGS AT HAND, THAT IS WHY I COULD NOT MAKE IT. BUT FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING I WILL SEND A PROTOCOL OFFICER TO COME AND SEE YOU AT YOUR HOTEL AND EXPLAIN OUR PROCEDURE TO YOU FOR US AND YOU TO BE AT SAFE SIDE AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING AVAILABLE.

PLEASE TRY AND CALL ME FIRST THING IN THE MORNING SO THAT WE CAN TALK AND TRY AND SORT THINGS OUT. CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE THE TIME I AM SENDING THIS EMAIL?

MY DIRECT LINE 31-6153-13486.

I NEED A PHOTOCOPY OF YOUR PASSPORT OR ID CARD, ALL THE DOCUMENTS AND THE CHARGES OF THE CONSIGNMENT.

BEST REGARDS,

PHILLIP MOORE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore

Subject: Send your Protocol Officer to meet me immediately

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 09:31:25

Dear Mr Moore

Thank you for your email. I note that you have got yourself a new email address and that you are no longer using “Alhaji Akowonjo’s” email address.

I also note that once again, you seem to have forgotten how to spell your name correctly. I thought your first name only had a single “L” in it, but you have spelled it with two. Never mind, you have managed to spell your surname correctly this time, so that’s a start.

I have had enough of your pathetic excuses. I am a busy man and do not take kindly to having my time wasted by tawdry little men who cannot even spell their own name correctly.

Do as you said you would do in your email. Send your Protocol Officer to meet me at the hotel at once. Miss Alia and I have just finished breakfast and will be waiting for him in the hotel lounge.

Please note that I am booked into the hotel under the name of one of my colleagues, Ivan Tashag. I did this to prevent my wife from finding out that I had shared a double room with my PA. Therefore the hotel knows me by this name.

I have made the receptionist aware that someone will be coming to pick me up, so she will be expecting your man. Tell him to ask for “Ivan Tashag” at reception and she will show him through to the lounge.

Time is running out, Mr Moore. I have to catch a flight back to the UK this evening, so we must conclude our business today.

Send your man to meet me now.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Aspect my apologised

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 09:24:45 +0100

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

How are you today?

Am very sorry about all that happened yesterday.

Mr Philip Moore has called me and apologised for everything and promised to attend to you first thing this morning so I want you to forget everything that you went through and let us forge ahead and conclude this business immediately so that you will start coming back immediately.

However, how is your PA taking everything? You should help me to talk to her that everything will OK.

Meanwhile, has Mr Moore reached you this morning?

He promised to apologise to you immediately.

I hope to hear good news from you that you have been paid so that I will know where to meet you when you come from Amsterdam later today.

Thanks and God bless you.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: We are running out of time

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 09:52:38

Mr Bell,

Frankly, I am surprised to hear from you. After your rude and petulant outbursts yesterday I did not think I would hear from you again.

I have indeed heard from Mr Moore this morning. The fellow still seems to be having trouble spelling his own name. Is he dyslexic, or just plain stupid?

Anyway, Moore has told me that he will send his Protocol Officer to meet me at the hotel this morning. He had better not keep me hanging around today after yesterday’s fiasco.

We are running out of time, Mr Bell. I have to catch my flight back to the UK this evening, so Moore had better get his skates on.

I have to be honest with you, Mr Bell. After what that nice Mr Adaba told me yesterday, I still harbour some doubts about you, Moore and this whole business. I shall be on my guard when Moore’s man turns up and I will not tolerate any funny business. I trained in the martial art of Yu-Zhityu in my younger days, and I can still beat off men bare-handed if it comes to it.

As a result of my doubts, I am moving forward with Mr Adaba’s business proposal as well as your own: I feel it is safer not to put all of my eggs in one basket. Adaba is putting together some legal documents this morning that will make me the legal beneficiary to a consignment of gold bars that belong to the former President of Liberia. If Moore or his men give me any problems whatsoever this morning, I shall drop this business and move forward exclusively with Adaba.

I am afraid I have rather a thick head this morning. I went out on the town, determined to show my lovely Janet Alia a good time. We drank far too much and neither of us got much sleep, and our heads and stomachs hurt this morning. Even the sausage sandwich that we shared early in the morning has not helped matters.

Unfortunately, Miss Alia seems to have developed an itchy crotch this morning. I fear that I may have passed on whatever I picked up last weekend to her.

I will keep you informed of developments, Mr Bell. I repeat, there had better be no messing around today. I will not stand for it.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore; Cc: James Bell

Subject: Where is your man?

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 10:43:52

Mr Moore,

Where is your man? This is getting beyond a joke. I am a busy and important man, and I have better things to do with my time than to sit on my backside waiting for your Protocol Officer to show up.

What the hell is going on? Get back to me immediately and let me know.

Janet Alia got chatting to a salesman from a fabric company a little earlier. She attended a fashion design college and enjoys making her own clothes. The salesman had some excellent samples, and one fabric in particular caught Miss Alia’s eye. Miss Alia has an eye for a bargain, and after some determined negotiation she persuaded the salesman to let her have a length at a bargain price. She even got him to slip her an extra twelve inches at no extra cost.

Miss Alia also enjoys baking and decorating cakes, and was delighted to get talking to a Dutch baker. The baker is attending an international cake decoration exhibition in London next month, and Miss Alia has arranged to meet up with him when he is in town so that they can compare techniques. She tells me that she is looking forward to showing the baker the best way to squeeze his bag and squirt cream all over her buns.

Get back to me at once, Moore. I have had enough of this.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Philip Moore

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THEY ARE COMING PLEASE

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 03:24:06 -0700 (PDT)

PLEASE I KNOW THAT YOU ARE PIECED UP BUT ONE THING I HAVE TO ASSURE IS THAT WE ARE GOING TO TIDY IT UP TODAY.

MY PROTOCOL OFFICERS ARE ON THE WAY. PLEASE TRY AND FORGIVE ME FOR ALL THIS.

YOU TALK OF I CAN’T SPELL MY NAME THAT IS IT BUT ONE THING I KNOW AND YOU KNOW IS THAT MONEY DON’T SPEAK ENGLISH AT ALL.

YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH. BY THE TIME WE FINISH YOU ARE GOING TO FORGIVE ME. PLEASE JUST SMILE.

I THOUGHT I ASKED YOU TO CALL ME. I WILL LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU OR YOU GIVE ME YOUR HOTEL NUMBER.

BEST REGARDS,

PHILLIP MOORE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore; Cc: James Bell

Subject: How soon will your goons get here?

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 11:48:28

Mr Moore,

Thank you for your email. You say your Protocol Officers are on the way. What time will they get here? Miss Alia and I are getting rather peckish and will need to get some lunch soon, but obviously I do not want to leave the hotel lounge in case I miss your men.

Miss Alia has been talking to a Dutch plasterer who is doing some renovation work in the hotel. She recently had her house redecorated, and a crack has appeared in the plaster above her fireplace. She has been talking to the plasterer to find out the best way to deal with it. Miss Alia tells me that the plasterer has been very helpful. Apparently he has told her in great detail exactly how he would fill her crack and give it a good rubbing down afterwards.

Get back to me at once and tell me when I can expect your men to get here.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM BARRISTER JAMES L BELL

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 11:59:59 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

This is to inform you that everything is in order as planned, so there is no need for you to go back.

Mr Philip Moore has been waiting for your call so that he can discuss with you before he will come to meet you and pick you from where you are lodging, but unfortunately he got your mail late, which he confirmed to me.

He has sent the Protocol that will be coming to meet with you and conclude everything with you.

THEREFORE, THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BOOK YOUR FLIGHT HOME, RATHER YOU HAVE TO WAIT AND STAY TILL THEY MEET WITH YOU TODAY SO THAT YOU CAN DO THE NEEDFUL AND SECURE THE FUNDS TODAY.

Do confirm the receipt of this mail, and inform me immediately you meet with them.

I want you to understand that our success depends on what you can do in Amsterdam, so there is no need for you to go back to London without securing the funds.

I will appreciate it if you can call MR PHILIP MOORE with the number he gave to you and discuss very well with him.

Thanks for your understanding in this regard, and I look forward to your confirmation.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Philip Moore

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: They will be there soon

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 04:19:41 -0700 (PDT)

DEAR MURRAY,

THEY ARE GOING TO BE THERE VERY SOON. ONE OF THEM JUST CALLED ME NOW. THEY ARE TRYING TO LOCATE THE PLACE. PLEASE CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR ROOM NUMBER AS I SAID BEFORE. PLEASE GET BACK TO ME NOW.

MOORE


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore

Subject: I look forward to meeting your men

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 12:35:17

Mr Moore,

Thank you for your email. I am relieved to hear that your men are on their way. I look forward to meeting them.

You asked for my room number. As I was only staying in the hotel for one night and am flying back to the UK tonight, I no longer have a room there; I am simply waiting in the hotel lounge.

The hotel staff are aware that Janet Alia and I are waiting for your men. Please remember that I booked into the hotel using the name of one of my colleagues, so your men should ask at the reception desk for “Ivan Tashag” or “Janet Alia”.

I hope they do not take too long to get here. Miss Alia and I are getting extremely hungry, and the smell of the food from the Brasserie Schiller is most enticing.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Mr Moore’s men should be here soon

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 12:44:52

Dear Mr Bell,

I am pleased to say that Mr Moore seems to have sorted things out at last. Apparently his men are trying to locate the hotel as we speak, so I expect to see them walking into the hotel lounge at any moment.

I hope that we can tie things up quickly. It is all very well for you to tell me to stay here, but my flight back this evening is already booked, and I have to be in the north of England tomorrow on Conservative Party business.

If you remember, I told you that I was going to explore Upper Ramsbottom with Janet Alia in the morning, and I am going to Cockermouth in the afternoon.

Now that Moore seems to have finally got his house in order, I am confident that our transaction will be a success. I will let you know what happens.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Philip Moore

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I look forward to meeting your men

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 05:15:57 -0700 (PDT)

Please, we are trying to meet up with your time to flying back tonight. My people are going to be with you at 3:30pm.

Phillip Moore


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore

Subject: Another delay!

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 13:26:35

Good God, man, another delay!

I thought your men were trying to find the hotel earlier. I have been expecting to see them walk through the door at any time. Have they got lost?

Miss Alia and I will be retiring to the Brasserie Schiller for some luncheon. We will be waiting in the lounge at 3.30. Your men had better not be late.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Confirm to me immediately you paid

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 13:45:19 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Please confirm to me immediately you paid so that I will start making arrangements on how we will meet as soon as you are back from Amsterdam.

Please don’t ask too much questions, OK?

I wish you good luck.

Thanks and God bless,

Best regards,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell

Subject: Perhaps you would like to visit me at home this weekend?

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 14:05:39

Dear Mr Bell,

Don’t worry, I will contact you as soon as the transaction has been completed. Mr Moore tells me that his men will be with me in about half an hour.

As for meeting up when I return to the UK, perhaps you would like to visit me in my Lincolnshire constituency? Gypping in the Marsh is a lovely little village, and I would be honoured to show you around.

I am playing a round of golf with the 18th Earl of Gypping on Saturday afternoon. Perhaps you would like to join us? My usual caddy is ill, so having you in tow would suit me down to the ground.

As for accommodation, I can heartily recommend the Cock and Bull public house. It has a number of rooms and offers bed and breakfast at an excellent price.

Incidentally, Miss Alia was chatting to a Dutch vet in the hotel lounge just now. She bought a new cat a few weeks ago and is having trouble getting to sleep at night: the cat sits and scratches at her bedroom door well into the night. She asked the vet for advice on how to get the pussycat to go to sleep at night. The vet advised her to stroke her pussy every night for about ten minutes before she goes to sleep.

Please let me know if you are free this weekend and I will get my wife to make enquiries to see if the Cock and Bull has any rooms available.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Philip Moore

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 06:19:59 -0700 (PDT)

Sir,

My officer has been looking for your hotel without a headway, please provide us with the hotel contact number so we can get directions from any of the hotel staff.

Thank you.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore

Subject: What kind of morons do you employ?

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 14:31:03

Good God, man, what kind of morons do you employ? I cannot believe that they cannot find one of Amsterdam’s best-known hotels.

The name of the hotel is the NH Schiller. The address is Rembrandtplein 26-36, Amsterdam. How much more information do these buffoons need?

The hotel is situated on Rembrandtplein, in the centre of Amsterdam, between the Amstel and the Herengracht canal.

Do these idiots not know how to use a map, or how to ask for directions?

I despair, I really do.

Tell them to get here IMMEDIATELY. My patience is wearing paper-thin.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore; Cc: James Bell

Subject: Where the hell are your men?

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 15:26:27

Mr Moore,

Where the hell are the trained chimpanzees you obviously employ as “Protocol Officers”?

Janet Alia and I have had our patience tried beyond breaking point. I have never come across such incompetence in all my life. I have had more professional business transactions with the man who takes the money in the toilets at Paddington Station.

I am now seriously wondering whether you are simply wasting my time. It seems that Mr Adaba was correct: surely you cannot possibly be the “Executive Director” of a security company. No “Executive Director” could be as inadequate as you have shown yourself to be.

Janet Alia and I have to leave soon to catch our flight back to London. Unless your men turn up pronto, you can wave goodbye to me and my business.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: Philip Moore

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Message

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 07:57:47 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I write to inform you that my Protocol Officer did not see you at the lobby of the hotel, neither did the receptionist know who you are.

You are advised to call us to intimate us with your present location so we can fix you on our next appointment.

Regards,

Mr P Moore


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Philip Moore; Cc: James Bell

Subject: Call me immediately

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 16:18:51

Mr Moore,

I am in receipt of your email. What on earth are you on about? Your imbecilic “Protocol Officer” has obviously gone to the wrong hotel. The man seems to have about as much sense of direction as a dead pigeon.

Your man must have gone to the wrong hotel if you are telling me that the receptionist had not heard of me. What kind of brain-dead buffoons do you employ in your so-called “security company”?

If your man did find his way to the correct hotel by some stroke of luck, are you sure that he asked for me using the correct name? If he asked for “Gilbert Murray”, the receptionist would not have heard of me: I told you that we had stayed at the hotel under the name of one of my colleagues, “Ivan Tashag”.

I suppose it is always possible that Janet Alia and I had gone to the toilet when your man arrived. Both of us have been passing water with alarming regularity since we contracted whatever infection I seem to have picked up in one of Amsterdam’s less salubrious private clubs.

Call me now on +31-2055-40700 and let us sort this out, Mr Moore. I have precious little time left before I have to leave for my return flight.

Ask for “Ivan Tashag”, and the receptionist will fetch me directly from the lounge. Alternatively, ask for “Janet Alia”.

I am waiting for your call.

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Business time has come

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 17:05:40 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Please my good friend, I must apologise for time lag. It is because I have just been informed that due to circumstances beyond the Executive Director’s control, he could not be in the office promptly to delegate his Chief Executive Officer Protocol to conduct you accordingly to the firm.

However, am very sorry and you will soon be attended to by the concerns.

Please, please, I request for you little patience to allow the officer to reach you more, so I pray your indulgence for passing a night in the hotel to reduce your stress and get things done as I also hope seriously for that money and I will not be happy if we could not get the money especially when the security firm have now played their official role as required by law.

Now that your contact number is available we will not find any problem again. Your delay for this affected the parties.

Wishing you a happy business time and congratulations in advance.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Gilbert Murray

To: James Bell; Cc: Philip Moore

Subject: Very well. I will stay in Amsterdam another night

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 17:31:48

Dear Mr Bell,

I despair. I cannot believe the incompetence that this so-called “security company” has shown. How difficult can it possibly be to meet someone at an airport or at a hotel?

Well, I see that thanks to the stunning incompetence of this bunch of idiots, I have no option but to cancel my appointments for tomorrow, cancel my return flight, and stay in Amsterdam for another night.

This will cause me no end of problems at Conservative Central Office: Miss Alia and I had a busy day ahead of us tomorrow. Miss Alia received an email this afternoon from Conservative Central Office telling her that in addition to our original itinerary, we had been booked in to visit one of Britain’s last remaining coal mines.

Apparently the mine has some of the deepest mineshafts in the country. Miss Alia has always had a passion for industrial history. She tells me that she was looking forward to going down with a group of miners and inspecting their long shafts at close quarters.

Now I will have to tell her to cancel everything we had planned tomorrow.

Having spent the best part of two days in the lounge of the NH Schiller hotel, Miss Alia and I are extremely bored of it. Therefore, seeing as we have to stay another night in Amsterdam, I have decided to book us into a different hotel. It will make a nice change for us.

I will leave immediately with Miss Alia and find an alternative hotel. I will contact you and Mr Moore in the morning with details of where we are staying and hopefully we can arrange to conclude our business without any of the problems that have plagued us over the past two days.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray MP


From: James Bell

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Very well. I will stay in Amsterdam another night

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 17:59:22 +0100 (BST)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Your mail came to me and was received with mixed feelings and if not that I am a mature man in business, especially legal practice, seeing people been convinced brought from and returned to hospital in pains I would have collapsed.

Now the time has come and a little patience will take us through, so have the courage my very dear friend, it will soon be over.

Now it has happened not to be the fault of yours or mine but the security firm, as a result of none quick response to telephone requirements I believe delayed the transaction. That is to say it is your personality that needs to be protected which is understandable.

As to Miss Alia, I am very very sorry for inconveniencing her and discomforting you too. Hopefully we will soon smile, so bear with me.

We will never have anything to do with that security company again. Should they fall in my trap I will sue them dangerously.

Please reconfirm your phone number, assuming there is a mistake in reaching you through the phone thus.

Extend my greetings to Miss Alia.

Sincerely yours,

Barrister James L Bell


From: Philip Moore

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU HAVE TO REACH ME ON PHONE

Sent: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 11:46:42 -0700 (PDT)

MR MURRAY,

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME YOU ARE FREE TO SAY IT. ONE THING I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW IS THAT I KNOW MY JOB, SO GOOD, YOU CALL ME NAMES, NO PROBLEM.

BUT ALL I NEED TO TELL YOU IF YOU WANT US TO MEET YOU TOMORROW, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A NUMBER WHICH I CAN REACH YOU OR IF POSSIBLE YOU GIVE ME A CALL.

BECAUSE THE HOTEL WHICH YOU SAID THAT YOU ARE STAYING, I SENT MY PEOPLE THERE. THEY COULD NOT FIND YOU THERE, AND THE LETTER YOU GAVE ME OF THE HOTEL NUMBER WHICH I HAVE BEEN ASKING YOU FOR A LONG TIME, YOU DID NOT.

I CALLED THE NUMBER. THEY TOLD ME THAT NO ONE IS CALLED MISS JANET ALIA AND IVAN TASHAG.


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