scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Inventor III


In which Gilbert responds to a plea for help from a poor young orphan girl who is searching for someone to adopt her as their own child in return for 10% of her dead father’s immense fortune. Of course, with millions of dollars in the bank, this particular orphan is not particularly poor... and at 20 years of age, she’s not particularly young either. Mind you, she’s got two arms and two legs, and that’s more than enough for Beaker to start taking an unhealthy interest in her...

Cast of characters

  • Gilbert Murray – an eccentric inventor.
  • Beaker – Gilbert’s faithful but disturbed assistant.
  • Aminata Kabba – allegedly an immensely rich orphan from Sierra Leone who, at 20 years of age, is inexplicably looking for a complete stranger to adopt her and receive 10% of her fortune.
  • David Clovis – allegedly a barrister accredited by the United Nations.


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please reply

Sent: Sat, 11 Dec 2004 16:25:32

Dear,

I know that this proposal might be a surprise to you but do consider it as an emergency. In a nutshell, my name is Miss Aminata Kabba, 20 years old from the republic of Sierra Leone in West Africa, now seeking for refugee in Dakar, Senegal under the UNHCR.

The only child of the late Dr David Kabba. I am looking for someone who can take me as a child. I promise to be obedient to you and I will bring happiness to your life. I got your contact while surfing the net. I want you to assist me in this transaction. My late father was the managing director of Rainbow Gold and Diamond Mine company in Kenema, Sierra Leone. But he was killed alongside with my mother during the longing civil war and all his properties were totally destroyed.

However, after their death I managed to escape with very important files of my father. He has the sum of $10.5 million (ten million, five hundred thousand US dollars) only.

This amount was deposited by my late father in one of the leading banks. The deposit documents indicate me as the next of kin. Presently, I am saddled with the problem of securing a trustworthy foreign personality to help me.

I will map out 10% for you.

  1. Stand on my behalf as the beneficiary for the claim of the inheritance from the bank here in Senegal since the management of the bank advised that I should solicit for an individual corporate organisation to claim the deposit for me as they cannot release it directly to me due to my refugee status in Senegal.
  2. Transfer the money over to your own country and into your possession pending my arrival to meet with you.
  3. Invest and manage the money for me in a good business pending my maturity.
  4. Help me secure my travelling documents to meet you as soon as my money is released to you.

Furthermore, you can contact the security company here in Senegal for confirmation and I will issue a letter of authorisation on your name, that will enable the bank to correspond with you on my behalf.

I am giving you this offer as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or adopt me as your child if possible and manage the money for me.

Conclusively, I wish you send me a reply immediately you receive this proposal. Until then, I remain with the best.

Stay blessed. Please, you can contact me through my private email box: aminatabox@mail2world.com.

Aminata Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: Regarding your remarkable email

Sent: Mon, 13 Dec 2004 10:23:27

Dear Miss Kabba,

I have just read the remarkable email you sent to me regarding your current situation. I cannot think what prompted you to contact me personally on this matter, but I have to tell you that your pathetic story touched my heart.

You poor dear girl. It must be terrible for you, to have lost both your father and mother and to be left with nothing in the world except $10.5 million in the bank.

Having heard your tale of woe, I would like to do whatever I can to help you out of your current predicament.

Please get back to me with details of what I can do to help.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for your mail and concern, from Aminata

Sent: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 04:53:23 -0800

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail. I think it is necessary to explain to you again in more clearer terms the situation with me. I ran to Senegal for safety immediately after my father was brutally murdered.

When I came to Senegal, I had no shelter, hence I went to a United Nations refugee camp here in Dakar, Senegal, and declared asylum with hope to go to the bank to claim my father’s money and start a new life.

Unfortunately, when I went to the bank, they said that I am already a refugee and their law does not permit the release of such money to a refugee who has no international passport or any other established identification.

Then they advised me to look for someone to stand for me. I contacted you because I want to live in your country and therefore want my money to go to your country and in your custody so that you help me invest it in a good business.

I have gone to the bank to tell them that I have got someone who is my trustee/representative for the claim of the money. You can contact the bank and ask them if the late Dr David Kabba has the sum of $10,500,000 in his bank account with them and if Miss Aminata Kabba is the child who has the right to inherit the money as the next of kin.

If it is true, that I have appointed you to be my trustee/representative to claim the money on my behalf for investment in your country. Ask them to tell you the procedures and modalities for the release of the money to you on my behalf. Immediately I receive your telephone/fax number I will now give you the bank contact where my late father deposited this money as my inheritance for you to contact them immediately.

I am waiting to hear from you as soon as possible.

Sincerely yours,

Aminata


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: This is my picture

Sent: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 09:05:31 -0500 (EST)

Dear Gilbert,

This is my picture. I want you to send to me yours too, OK.

Thanks for your concern.

Aminata

Aminata Kabba
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I am delighted that I will be able to help you

Sent: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 16:42:40

Dear Miss Kabba,

Thank you for your emails, and for sending me your picture. I am delighted that I will be able to help you out of your current situation.

I must say, you are a fine looking young lady. Your well-tended appearance is all the more remarkable, given your current circumstances. I am surprised that the United Nations manages to provide such fashionable clothes and cosmetics to the people in its camps. It is obviously better-funded than I thought.

You asked for my picture. I have attached one to this email. It is a scanned copy of my passport. I think it is one of my better photographs.

You mentioned in your original email that you were seeking for someone who could not only help you to retrieve your late father’s millions, but to adopt you as their own child. I have never had any children of my own – my work has always come first, so I have never had much time for relationships – and I would be more than willing to adopt you and to help you travel to this country.

Given that we are going to become family, I suppose I should give you some more information about myself. I am an inventor by profession. Although I would not describe myself as rich, a number of my inventions have enabled me to live an extremely comfortable life here in the Lincolnshire fens. My most recent invention – a unique type of paint – is currently undergoing testing by the Ministry of Defence. If they approve its use by the military, I expect to receive a sizeable amount of money from them in return.

I live with my assistant, Beaker, in a cottage just outside a small, remote Lincolnshire village called Gypping in the Marsh. We live a quiet life and have very few visitors, so it would be nice to have a fresh young face such as yours around the place.

At the moment, Beaker and I are busy conducting experiments for a local poultry processing company. They are keen to move into egg production and want to enter the market with an innovative new kind of egg: one that does not roll off the table. Experiments are ongoing, and Hemlock Cottage is therefore alive with the sound of clucking chickens.

Tell me, my dear girl, how are you coping with life in the refugee camp? It must be awful for you. Do tell me more. Hopefully it will not be long before we can get you out of there and safely over to this country.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I have explained your situation to Beaker and shown him your picture. Beaker is extremely excited at the prospect of having you come to live with us: I am afraid that he must find me somewhat dull sometimes, and it would be good to have someone a little nearer his own age around the place.

Gilbert’s forged passport
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: Did you receive the email I sent to you yesterday?

Sent: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 16:03:12

Dear Miss Kabba,

How are you, my dear girl? I trust that life in the refugee camp is not too awful and that the relentless heat of the sun is not affecting your fastidiously-applied make-up.

Did you receive the email I sent to you yesterday? I am concerned that you have not responded. Are you alright, my dear? I do hope you are not ill.

Perhaps there is a simpler explanation by your failure to respond. Perhaps internet access in your refugee camp is limited, and you have not managed to fight your way to a free computer terminal today. Or perhaps you have been too busy doing your immaculately-coiffured hair.

Whatever the reason for your silence, the sooner we get you out of there the better. Tell me, my dear, what is our next step?

I mentioned yesterday that Beaker and I were excited at the prospect of you travelling over to this country and moving in with us as my adopted daughter. Well, I can tell you that Beaker has talked about nothing else all day. He has printed off your picture, placed it in a frame and put it by the side of his bed. He tells me that is to ensure that you are the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep at night.

I am sure you will get on well with Beaker. Everyone has their faults – Beaker certainly has no shortage of those – but he is a good man at heart.

Do get back to me as soon as you can, my dear, with details of what we need to do next to retrieve your late father’s money and rescue you from the hellish refugee camp.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Beaker has asked me to send you his best regards too.


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks for your mail

Sent: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 17:20:30 -0500 (EST)

Dear Gilbert,

I sincerely apologise for my late response to your mail. It was due to a power failure we had in the past 48 hours. Thank you again for your compliments, although I took those pictures outside the camp. Life here is not too bad as one may expect. Everything here is being rationed according to the number of people, including internet access.

However, my dream is to leave this camp within the shortest possible time. I think the next step is to meet a lawyer that will assist me here to process my travelling documents and go to the bank to verify the procedure for release of the money. I will suggest we use any of the United Nations accredited lawyers here in the camp so that he will be in close contact with me.

Please forward to me your telephone number to enable the lawyer to call you, or I can collect the lawyer’s number so that you can call him to enable us to conclude everything soonest.

I can’t wait to see you. Since you came into my life I noticed a lot of changes and natural feelings. It is true that I have not seen you, but my imagination tells me good things about you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Beaker and share your visions and dreams. Please, I would like Beaker’s picture and his email contact address.

I wish to be writing you always but I am financially handicapped, but always remember someone is thinking about you. I will stop here till tomorrow. Good night.

Yours sincerely,

Joy A Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I appreciate your kind comments

Sent: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 09:54:41

Dear Miss Kabba,

Thank you for your email, and thank you for your kind comments, my dear girl. They are much appreciated.

I am sorry to hear that life in the refugee camp is not as easy as you would like. But take heart, my dear: I am sure that it will not be long before we will be able to free you from your current predicament and fly you over to join us here in Gypping in the Marsh.

Your idea of getting a lawyer involved sounds like a good one. However, rather than using a lawyer we do not know, do you think it would be worthwhile getting my own lawyer, Mr Welsby of the firm Elton & Welsby, involved? He’s a fine man, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles.

Welsby’s got the sharpest legal brain I’ve ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident at the local water treatment plant, where I had been asked to design and install a new water-purification device, in which Beaker regrettably got confused between a 500 gallon drum of water purification chemicals and a similar drum of industrial-strength weedkiller that we had produced for a local farmer. Not only did Welsby manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award us costs against the bereaved families. Let me know if you’d like me to contact him.

I must go now and return to my work. My current project is proving to be particularly difficult: we are experimenting with introducing different chemicals into the chickens’ feed to change the shapes of the eggs that they produce. Our goal is to produce an egg with a perfectly flat bottom, which will never roll off the table. But at the moment all we are managing to produce are a variety of mis-shapen eggs of all shapes and sizes and some extremely surprised-looking chickens.

Do let me know about the lawyer, my dear. I am sure that Welsby will be able to swing into action on our behalf at the drop of a hat once you give me the go-ahead.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You asked for Beaker’s email address. I shall ask him to send you an email during his lunchbreak. To say that he is extremely keen to meet you is something of an understatement.


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: HELLO FROM BEAKER

Sent: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 12:15:25

Hello Miss Kabba,

My name is Billy Beaker but everybody just calls me Beaker and that is how I like it so you can call me Beaker too if you like. I am Mr Murray’s assistant and I have a very important job and Mr Murray could not do his work without me because I help him out so much even if things do go a bit wrong sometimes.

Mr Murray told me that your mother and your father died and I am very sorry to hear that because that is sad. Mr Murray also said that he is going to adopt you as his daughter and you are going to move in with us and live with us here in Hemlock Cottage and I am very happy to hear that because that is good news.

Mr Murray has given me a picture of you and I have printed it out and put it in a frame and put the picture by the side of my bed so that you are the last thing I see when I go to sleep at night and you are the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. I like you because you are very pretty.

Mr Murray told me that you are 20 years old. I am glad that you are over 18 because that means that I will be able to come within 50 metres of you without breaking the terms of my court order and Mr Murray tells me that would be a very bad thing.

We are very busy at the moment working on Mr Murray’s latest project which is working for a chicken processing factory that wants us to invent eggs that do not roll off the table. It is very difficult but I am helping Mr Murray as much as I can and I like working on this project because there are lots of chickens everywhere and I like chickens. Do you like chickens?

Please write back to me because it would be very nice to hear from you and I think you are a very pretty girl and do you like older men?

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Beaker

Subject: Re: HELLO FROM BEAKER

Sent: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 07:30:23 -0500 (EST)

Dear Beaker,

How are you doing? Hope you are fine.

Add me to Yahoo chat messenger so that we can chat there, OK?

This is my id: aminata4you.

Thanks and remain bless.

Aminata


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YAHOO CHAT MESSENGER IS

Sent: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 13:44:49

Hello Aminata,

Thank you for your email. It was lovely. I do not get many emails from women. The last woman I used to email was called Erlyn and she used me and she broke my heart and I was very sad for a long long time but I am over that now.

I do not know what Yahoo chat messenger is so I cannot add my name to it but I don’t think Mr Murray would approve if I spent too much time chatting on the computer because he needs me to help him with his experiments and he would get angry with me and I would not want that because I do not like it when Mr Murray gets angry because then I get angry too and that is not a good thing because I do things that I later regret.

Is it alright if I keep on emailing you? Will you keep on emailing me? And is it alright if I call you “Aminata”? I do not want you to think that I am being too forward because I have been too forward before and people have got the wrong impression and I have got into trouble when really all I was trying to do was to be nice and friendly.

I must go now because Mr Murray is ready to start work for the afternoon and we will be very busy in the workshop. Mr Murray is looking forward to you coming to live with us but not as much as I am. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to it.

I really like you. I will look at your picture when I go to bed tonight and I will think of you. I must have thought of you a lot last night when I was asleep because this morning when I woke up I had to change my pyjamas.

Do you have any more pictures of yourself that you can send me?

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: About the lawyer

Sent: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 16:32:21 -0500 (EST)

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you so much for your message. I can understand how you feel about trusting somebody that you don’t know, but to the best of my knowledge the lawyer I contacted today is trusted and tested before the United Nations appointed him to work in the refugee camp here. He is a very popular man here. He is the one that processed most of the documents of people that travelled out of here and people that got married.

I think we can trust him. It is true that yours may be better than him, but I think that he understands the system here better than your lawyer. I met with him today. He advised me that I will start by processing my international passport and visa which will cost about $420 then I will pay him $2,500 as his service charge so that he can issue a power of attorney and notarise the document in the high court here in Dakar to enable him to present it to the bank on Monday with other documents for the release of the fixed deposit. I am not familiar with law terms.

You can call him on 00221-527-2257. His name is Mr David Clovis.

However, he gave me the name and address of his secretary, in case if you will be able to send the money immediately so that he can start work.

Name: Vivian Gueye

Address: No 105, Yoff Tonghor, Dakar, Senegal

I expect your urgent reply.

NB. Please send my greetings to Beaker. Have a nice day.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Joy Kabba


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Beaker

Subject: Thanks and God bless

Sent: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 16:41:37 -0500 (EST)

Hi Beaker,

I really appreciate your mail and your message is well understood. However, I would have loved to see your picture, but all the same I hope to be with you people soonest.

I have just sent an email to Gilbert about the lawyer’s request. I hope he will understand and send the money immediately to the lawyer to hasten the arrangement. I will be glad to see your mail always.

Thanks and God bless.

Miss Joy Kabba


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: IS YOUR NAME AMINATA OR JOY?

Sent: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 12:24:27

Hi Aminata,

Thank you for writing to me. I am confused. Is your name Aminata or Joy? I thought you were called Aminata but now you call yourself Joy and I do not know what I should call you. Please tell me what your real name is so that I know what to call you properly.

We are very busy here this weekend because there was a bit of an accident with the chickens and we woke up this morning and found that they are all dead and Mr Murray is blaming me for it and so things are not nice around here. Mr Murray always blames me when things go wrong and it is not fair and he can be very unfair sometimes and sometimes he is not a very nice man and it wasn’t really my fault and even if I did put the wrong thing in the chicken feed last night it was an accident and I didn’t mean to.

So we are very busy clearing away all the little chicken bodies and then we will have to go and buy some more chickens from somewhere and it is a shame because I liked all the chickens and I am sad that they are all dead.

I dreamed about you last night again and this morning I had to change my pyjamas again and I had to change the bedding too because it was a very vivid dream. I think this means that I love you.

Do you have any more pictures of yourself that you can send me? I would send you a picture of myself but I have a very big boil on my nose at the moment and it does not look nice so I will wait until the boil has gone.

Do you dream about me?

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Beaker

Subject: My full name

Sent: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 16:56:18 -0500 (EST)

Dear Beaker,

Thank you so much for your mail today. Sorry for the little confusion in my name. I forgot that we have not known each other very well. My full name is Joy Aminata Kabba. You can call me Aminata or Joy.

I am very sorry for what happened to the chicken. Please let it not bring misunderstanding between both of you since it was not an intentional or deliberate action but just an accident which can happen to anybody.

I will arrange for more pictures. You will get it as soon as it is ready. Please endeavour to send yours to me. I did not hear from Mr Murray today, I just hope all is well. How about your telephone numbers? I will like to hear your voice and that of Mr Murray. Extend my greetings to him.

Thanks and God bless,

Joy Aminata Kabba


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: MR MURRAY IS AWAY BUYING MORE CHICKENS

Sent: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 16:04:28

Hi Aminata,

Thanks for your lovely email. It was lovely to hear from you again. I look forward to reading your emails now every time I turn on the computer but not as much as I am looking forward to you coming to live with us here in Hemlock Cottage. Mr Murray has asked me to sort out our guest room so that it is ready for you when you move over here. He has told me to repaint it for you. What is your favourite colour? Tell me your favourite colour and I will go and buy some paint and paint your room in your favourite colour so that you will feel at home.

Mr Murray is away at the moment buying more chickens to replace the chickens that I accidentally killed so that is why you have not heard from him but I am expecting him back later today with the new chickens and I will tell him you were asking after him and I will ask him to get in touch with you tomorrow. I hope he is speaking to me after what happened with the other chickens.

I have spent today cleaning Hemlock Cottage for Mr Murray so that he will be happy when he comes back and hopefully he will forget my mistake with the chicken feed. I have had to do a lot of washing too because I keep dreaming about you and I had to change my pyjamas and my bedding again this morning.

I cannot wait for you to come and live with us then I can show you how much I love you. I am writing a poem for you to show you how much I love you. I will send it to you when it is finished. It is not finished yet because I am having trouble thinking of words that rhyme.

I will dream of you tonight my darling. I hope you will dream of me too.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: Regarding the lawyer

Sent: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 10:11:52

Dear Miss Kabba,

How are you, my dear girl? I trust you are well and that you are managing to cope with the privations of living in the refugee camp. I cannot imagine how difficult life must be there for you: it is difficult to imagine how I would cope if my internet access was rationed as yours is. How much worse could things possibly be? Never mind, my dear. We will soon get you out of there.

I must apologise for not having been in contact over the weekend. We had a bit of a disaster here, thanks to Beaker. I asked him to feed the chickens and put down some rat poison on Friday night and he stupidly got the chicken feed mixed up with the rat poison. We woke up on Saturday morning to find that all of the chickens were stone dead and we had over a hundred carcases to dispose of. The man can be an idiot sometimes. I wonder why I put up with him, I really do.

I had to spend the rest of the weekend travelling round looking for more chickens so that I can continue with my experiments. I visited all the local farms until I eventually found a farmer who was willing to sell me his chickens. They are now settling into the chicken sheds in the yard. And I will be feeding them myself from now on.

Anyway, thank you for sending me details of this lawyer you want to use. Having looked through the information you sent, I have to say, my dear girl, that the lawyer’s fees sound rather steep. You say that it will cost $420 simply to obtain a passport and a visa? Surely this cannot be right: it sounds far too much if you ask me. And then you say that you will pay the lawyer $2,500 as a “service charge” so that he can issue a power of attorney and notarise the document in the high court? This sounds like a preposterously high amount to charge for the man’s services.

If you ask me, it sounds as if this lawyer is taking advantage of you, and taking you for a ride. Besides this, how on earth are you going to find the money to pay the man?

I have a better idea, my dear. I shall have a word with Welsby – the lawyer I told you about – and see if he will agree to act on our behalf in this matter. I am sure that whatever Welsby charges for his services, his fee will be substantially lower than the outrageous fee that your lawyer is attempting to charge you.

Do get back to me as soon as you can and let me know how you are getting on, my dear girl. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Beaker tells me that the two of you are getting on together rather well. How charming. It is always nice to see romance blossom between two young people.


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Regarding the lawyer

Sent: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 07:23:07 -0500 (EST)

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your message. Beaker told me about what happened to the chicken. I knew you were not happy over the weekend but I am sure by now you must have freed your mind from the incident. I hope that you are in good health and sound mind today.

I will like to assure you that this lawyer is not taking me for a ride. There are basic things he cannot inflate the prices. For example the visa fee is $220 basic and also the cost of issuing an international passport the amount is fixed. These things are subject to confirmation. I don’t believe he can lie about them. The only area we can negotiate is service charge but remember he will also process the release of the money from the bank apart from the travelling documents.

However if you think your own lawyer can do better, please go ahead and contact him so that he can come down to Senegal here for the services. Your wish is my command.

My regards to Beaker,

Aminata Kabba


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Beaker

Subject: Thanks and God bless

Sent: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 08:57:02 -0500 (EST)

Hello Beaker,

I saw your message yesterday night but it was late for me to reply to you. My favourite colour is blue. I love the colour so much. I wish to thank also in advance for the poem you are composing.

I wonder why you don’t want me to see either your picture or hear your voice. All the same I know it is for good. I will stop here today because my time is up here. Have a nice day.

Miss Joy Aminata Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: Unfortunately, Welsby is too busy to take on your case

Sent: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:55:21

Dear Miss Kabba,

Thank you for your email regarding the lawyer. I have had a chat with Welsby, but unfortunately he tells me that he is too busy to take on your case at the moment. Apparently the local undertaker is under investigation for body-snatching, and believe it or not, the vicar of the parish also appears to be implicated. Welsby is acting for both parties, so he doesn’t believe that he has the time to do your case justice.

This is such a shame: Welsby is a marvellous lawyer. I have never met anyone quite like him. He moves through the legal jungle with all the speed and finesse of a greased gazelle on rails.

Therefore I presume we will have to move forward with the lawyer you recommended. You say you think we will be able to haggle over his “service charge”? That is good news. But tell me, my dear, how do you propose getting your hands on the money you need to pay the lawyer? I thought you were destitute.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I have passed your regards on to Beaker. Just between the two of us, do you think Beaker is feeling alright? He seems to be doing an awful lot of washing at the moment: this is the third morning in a row that he has washed his bedding. I do hope he’s not developing some sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder over cleanliness. Has he mentioned any of this to you, my dear girl?


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: MY POEM TO YOU

Sent: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 14:55:59

Hi Aminata,

Thanks for your lovely email and for telling me that your favourite colour is blue. I like blue too but my favourite colour is black but as your favourite colour is blue I will buy some blue paint and paint your room with it so you will like it when you move in with us. The spare room that you will move into is right next to my room and there is a connecting door between the two rooms so that should make things easier.

I told you that I don’t want to send you a picture of me yet because I have a big boil on my nose and it is not very nice. I will ask Mr Murray to lance the boil for me and then take a picture of me so that I can send it to you.

I would love to speak to you but our telephone is not working right now because we have had some really bad winter storms and the strong wind blew down the telephone lines and the telephone company has not fixed them yet because we live in such a remote place. Mr Murray says that they should be fixed soon so then I can call you and listen to your sweet voice and tell you how much I love you in person.

I have finished the poem I was writing to you. Here it is and I hope you like it.

Oh my lovely Aminata Kabba

When I think about you all I can do is jabber

On about how much I love you and you make my heart beat strong

Your teeth are so white and your legs are so long

And your eyes are so clear

And I wish you were near

So that I could love you and treat you good

And show you my manhood

You will sleep next to me

And we will make a baby

Or maybe a few

I’ll leave that up to you

Oh Aminata I can’t wait for you to move in

So that I can give you sweet loving

I have a picture of you put up on my shelf

And when you move in I won’t have to wash my bedding and my clothes myself

Because you will be able to do it for me

And you can cook and clean too like a proper lady

When you get into bed at night the sheets around you I will tuck

And I can’t wait to give you your first long hard kiss.

I hope you like the poem because it took me a long long time to write it.

I must go and help Mr Murray with the chickens now but I will check my email later to see if you have written to me my darling.

I love you.

Beaker


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I don’t have any means

Sent: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 14:22:13 -0500 (EST)

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your mail. Maybe you misunderstood me when you said I can raise any money. I did not say such in my message, what I had in mind is negotiating with the lawyer over his service charge. If you think I have the money, why I should he give me the name of his secretary so that we can use it and send the money? Sincerely speaking, I don’t have any means of raising money.

Please, if there is any way you can help by sending the money to the lawyer with the name I gave you earlier, then when my money is released by the bank I will refund you back. You can call the lawyer with the number I gave you and arrange with him. I am sure he will do the work well.

I don’t have any alternative means of getting money here in the camp. It is my wish to leave this place within the shortest possible time. Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours faithfully,

Aminata J Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: Do you mean that you want me to pay the lawyer?

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 09:32:48

Dear Miss Kabba,

I must indeed have misunderstood you, my dear girl. You said in the email you sent on 17th December “I will pay him $2,500 as his service charge”. I naturally took you at your word and presumed that you meant precisely what you said: that you were going to pay the lawyer. But now you are telling me something different: that you do not have enough money to pay the lawyer and that you want me to pay him instead.

You are indeed in a pickle, are you not? Having come from such a rich family, it must pain you to be reduced to begging money from people in such a shameless manner. But never mind, my dear. I am sure I will be able to help you out. After all, if I am going to adopt you as my own daughter, this is the least I can do for you.

Unfortunately, we are having a few problems with our telephone line at the moment: we had some severe winter storms the other week, and the gales blew down quite a few telegraph poles in the area. As a result of this, our telephone line is out of action at the moment. Living in such a remote area as we do, I am afraid that the telephone company do not see fixing our line as a priority. Luckily, my satellite internet connection is unaffected by this.

With this in mind, could you please send me the email address of this lawyer you intend to use? I will get in touch with him and see what I can do to get you out of that fly-blown hellhole of a refugee camp.

Do keep your spirits up, my dear. We will have you out of there in no time, you mark my words.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I caught Beaker putting his bedding in the washing machine yet again this morning. When I asked him why he was washing his bedding so frequently he went bright red and refused to talk about it. I am worried that he may be ill. Has he said anything to you about it?


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Please pay the lawyer

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 08:03:08 -0500 (EST)

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you so much for understanding my condition at the moment. I feel ashamed of myself reducing my ego to the level of a beggar. Somehow my little experience in the camp here has taught me to accept what I cannot change. Please bear it with me.

The name of the lawyer is Barr David Clovis. His contact email address is clodav@legalserviceindia.com or clodav435@yahoo.com.

I have earlier forwarded the name of his secretary to you which you can use and send the money to him through Western Union money transfer to make it faster. You will notify me immediately you send the money to him so that I can follow him up.

You asked me a question about Beaker. Yes he has told me something like that before but I thought he was joking or maybe he is trying to pull my leg. He even composed a poem for me and am feeling flattered about it. Anyway extend my greetings to him. I have not seen his picture yet.

Lots of love from,

Aminata Kabba


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Beaker

Subject: YOUR POEM TO ME

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 08:09:20 -0500 (EST)

Hello Beaker,

I really appreciate the time it took you to compose a poem for me. It shows that you are very caring. However the content of the poem makes me feel flattered. I will write you again later today.

Yours sincerely,

Aminata Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I shall contact the lawyer immediately

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 14:03:21

Dear Miss Kabba,

Thank you for sending me the lawyer’s contact details. I will get in touch with him immediately and see what can be done to get you out of that refugee camp as soon as possible.

You said that Beaker had mentioned something about his bedding to you. What did he tell you? He refuses to talk to me about it at all, and I am extremely concerned that he is ill. Do you know why he is washing his bedding every morning?

Incidentally, you mentioned that you thought Beaker might be “pulling your leg” about something. I doubt that very much, my dear girl. Beaker is an extremely serious young man, and never jokes about anything... which I have often thought is rather a pity.

I did not realise that Beaker had sent you a poem. How utterly charming. I am so pleased to see that you and Beaker are getting along so well. I am sure the two of you will make a lovely couple. I have thought for some time that Beaker would benefit from the stability a woman would bring into his life. For one thing, you seem like a level-headed young lady, and he could definitely do with someone to remind him to take his medication each day.

I will get back to you once I have sorted things out with the lawyer. Do look after yourself my dear.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. As I am going to be adopting you, I think it would be right and proper if you start addressing me as “darling papa”, rather than “Gilbert”. We may as well start the way we mean to go on.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: David Clovis

Subject: Regarding the unfortunate Miss Aminata Kabba

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 14:25:57

Dear Mr Clovis,

I am writing to you regarding the unfortunate Miss Aminata Kabba, who I believe you know. The poor girl has given me your contact details and asked me to get in touch with you in order to arrange a few matters.

Miss Kabba and I would like you to arrange a passport and visa for Miss Kabba to enable her to leave the refugee camp in which she currently resides. We would also like you to make whatever arrangements are necessary for the sum of $10.5 million (deposited by her late father in a bank) to be made over into my own name.

I would appreciate it if you could advise me of the precise steps that must be taken in order for this to come to pass, and exactly how much money all this will cost.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I AM GLAD YOU LIKE MY POEM

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 14:47:15

Hi Aminata,

I am glad you like my poem it took me a long time to write and as I wrote it I kept looking at the picture you sent which is next to my bed and I dreamed of how nice it will be when you come and live here with us and when we can be together.

I had another vivid dream about you last night and when I woke up I had to wash my bedding and my pyjamas again and Mr Murray asked me why I was washing my bedding again and I was too embarrassed to tell him why and so I did not tell him that it was because I got all excited dreaming of you.

I want to send you a nice picture of me but I do not want to send you a picture of me with the big boil on my nose so last night I lanced the boil using a pair of scissors and lots of pus and nasty stuff came out of it and squirted all over the bathroom mirror and I had to wipe it all off. My nose hurts a lot this morning and it is all swollen up but at least the boil has gone. When the swelling on my nose goes down I will get Mr Murray to take a picture of me and send it to you so you can see me.

We are very busy working with the chickens. Mr Murray does not let me feed them any more because of what happened last week when I killed all the old chickens but never mind. There is one chicken that is really nice and it is quite good looking as chickens go and I have called it “Aminata” after you. I hope you don’t mind. It is the next best thing to actually having you here in Hemlock Cottage.

I am going into town tomorrow and I will buy some blue paint and I will use it to paint your room.

I will write you another poem as well because you liked my last poem so much and I will send it to you when it is finished.

I have told you that I love you but you have not told me that you love me yet. Do you love me, Aminata? I bet not many people write you poems as good as mine and think about you every minute of every day and have wet dreams about you every night. Please tell me that you love me. It would make me so happy.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: David Clovis

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Your request

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 08:31:35 -0800 (PST)

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

I received your message this afternoon requesting for my services. Actually the young girl Miss Aminata Kabba earlier approached me with the documents of her late father’s deposit in the bank here. I made photocopies of the documents before I went to the bank to make enquiries about the source of the money ie to confirm if the money has anything to do with drug, terrorism or money laundering but the bank confirmed the money free from these three things.

Hence the bank confirmed the legitimacy of the funds and also intimated me that late Mr Kabba is a bonafide customer of the bank. I am ready and willing to accept all the legal responsibilities relating to release of the deposit to your yet to be nominated bank account.

Procedure:

I will issue a power of attorney on behalf of Miss Kabba directing the bank to release the deposit to your account as trustee/investor for Miss Kabba. Prior to filling an application of claim to the bank, I will notarise the deposit documents and the power of attorney in the high court here in Dakar which will cost some money.

Here is the breakdown of the cost:

Notarisation: $1,500

Passport: $200

Visa fee: $220

Service charge: $1,000

Total: $2,940 (two thousand nine hundred and forty-two dollars)

You can send the money through the name of my secretary which I gave to Miss Kabba:

Name: Vivian Gueye

Address: No 105, Yoff Tonghor, Dakar, Senegal

Once I receive the transfer information which includes name of sender, test question and answer, control number and amount sent, I will commence actions immediately.

Yours in service,

Barr David Clovis


From: Gilbert Murray

To: David Clovis

Subject: A small query

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:58:27

Dear Mr Clovis,

Thank you for your prompt response. I must say, you seem to be on the ball. Well done.

I do have a small query: not being involved in the legal business myself (I am in inventor by profession), I do find these legal terms rather difficult to understand. Therefore, I would very much appreciate it if you could explain to me precisely what “notarisation” is.

Miss Kabba may have told you that I was initially keen to get my own lawyer, Welsby, working on this case. You may well have heard of him: he is very highly regarded in Lincolnshire legal circles. However, Welsby is unfortunately too busy to take on this case, which is why I turned to you. Miss Kabba tells me that you are accredited by the United Nations. This must mean that you are a fine lawyer: I imagine the United Nations would not grant credentials to any old Tom, Dick or Harry. Assuming this to be the case, I will be glad to have you on my side in this affair.

I look forward to an answer to my query by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: David Clovis

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The answer

Sent: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 14:09:24 -0800 (PST)

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

I saw your mail this night with your small query. The word notarization or notarisation as it may be called means to certify or attest to the validity of a signature on a document. It can be done in the court or notary public. If you ask your lawyer he will explain more.

I am one of the accredited United Nations lawyers in this refugee camp. We are tested and trusted.

Yours in service,

Barr David Clovis


From: Gilbert Murray

To: David Clovis

Subject: An error in your calculations

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 09:10:52

Dear Mr Clovis,

Thank you for your prompt response to my query. I understand completely now.

I was looking through the first email you sent me, and I have noticed a mistake in your calculations. In your email, you stated that the notarisation would cost $1,500, Miss Kabba’s passport would cost $200, her visa would cost $220 and your own service charge would be a rather hefty $1,000. You then stated that this, in total, amounted to $2,940.

As will no doubt be immediately obvious to you, these figures do not add up. Is the total amount incorrect, or is one (or more) of the individual amounts incorrect? Please send me a revised list of charges by return.

I can only assume that this error has been caused by your secretary: I cannot imagine that a United Nations accredited lawyer would make such a crass mistake in basic arithmetic. It may be worth having a word with her, and possibly purchasing her a pocket calculator to ensure that such mistakes do not happen again.

I have to say that in all of my dealings with the eminent Welsby, he has never once put a foot wrong. You may have to up your ante if you want to live up to Welbsy’s high standards.

Incidentally, you advised me to ask my lawyer if I required any further explanation regarding the concept of notarisation. You are my lawyer now, Mr Clovis. Therefore if I have any more legal queries on this matter, I shall come straight to you.

I look forward to receiving the amended list of charges from you by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: YOU SAID YOU WOULD WRITE TO ME AGAIN BUT YOU DIDN’T

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 09:21:40

Hi Aminata,

When you emailed me yesterday you said you would write to me again yesterday but you didn’t. I checked my email as often as I could in between helping Mr Murray with the chicken experiments and I know that you didn’t write to me again like you said you would. This has made me very sad.

Why didn’t you write to me like you said you would? I wanted to get an email from you. I was hoping that you would tell me that you loved me because I love you and I have told you that I love you and there is nothing worse than unrequited love and if you don’t love me then I may as well just kill myself because then there would be nothing left to live for.

Please write to me today and please tell me that you love me. Please.

I told you yesterday that I had named a very pretty chicken after you. Well I smuggled it out of the chicken run last night and I let it sleep with me in bed and I imagined that it was you. Obviously it is a lot smaller than you and you do not have feathers and you would not peck me when I got too close for comfort because you haven’t got a beak but it was nice to have a warm body beside me in bed and I could imagine that it was you and not the chicken.

I dreamed about you again last night. I cannot stop dreaming about you. It was a very erotic dream again and I had to change the bedding again this morning. But the dream last night turned all strange and in the dream after we had made sweet love you grew feathers and you laid a golden egg and it hatched and lots of little chickens came out of it but they had your head instead of a chicken head. I didn’t like that bit of the dream.

Please write to me and tell me you love me. I cannot live without you.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: David Clovis

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I apologise for the error

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 03:47:38 -0800 (PST)

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

The total amount is $2,920. The error is highly regretted. The mistake is from my secretary and she claims it is a typographical error which is understandable since the amounts were quoted correctly. I sincerely apologise for the miscalculation.

Please feel free to ask me any question about what you don’t understand.

Yours in service,

Barr David Clovis


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba; Cc: David Clovis

Subject: My movements over Christmas

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 15:04:24

Dear Miss Kabba,

I thought I would send you a quick note to let you know how things are progressing and to inform you of my movements over Christmas.

Things appear to be progressing well with Mr Clovis. I must say, he is a very helpful fellow, and he really does seem to be on top of things. His secretary’s grasp of basic arithmetic leaves something to be desired, but I have heard that it is extremely difficult to find a decent secretary nowadays.

Regarding my movements over the Christmas period. Unfortunately Beaker and I are travelling over Christmas: we are flying north to Lapland to visit one of the world’s largest toy manufacturers. Christmas is of course the busiest time of year for them, and they have asked us in to examine their distribution system, in order to see if we can suggest any improvements.

I must say, we are both looking forward to the trip. I have met Mr Nicholas, the Managing Director of the toy company on a number of occasions. He’s extremely good company, and a very decent, honest man: a real saint, in fact.

Unfortunately, this means that I am going to have to place our business on hold from the end of tomorrow until the new year. I realise this means that you will have to spend Christmas in the refugee camp, but I am afraid that can’t be helped, my dear girl. Never mind. I am sure the Red Cross will put together a nice Christmas meal for you.

Although I do regret having to place our business on hold, I am afraid that this cannot be helped: I cannot break a prior engagement. However, I would like to assure you that when Beaker and I return to Hemlock Cottage in the new year, I will apply myself to this business with vigour: I am determined to get you out of there as soon as possible after Christmas. I am only sorry that we cannot do anything to improve your situation beforehand.

Talking of Beaker, have you been in contact with him recently? He seems very withdrawn today and refuses to talk to me about anything. He looks extremely depressed. I do hope he has been taking his medication. Do you have any idea what is the matter with him? He has gone into town at the moment to buy some paint so that we can decorate your room before you move in.

I will contact you again tomorrow before Beaker and I leave for Lapland. I trust that you are well, my dear. Remember to keep your chin up through these hard times.

Best regards,

Darling Papa


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I am not happy

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 10:21:38 -0500 (EST)

Darling Papa,

I received your message this afternoon with tears. I cannot believe you want to put everything on hold and travel for Christmas without even sending any gift to your daughter. That not withstanding you are supposed to conclude this arrangement with the lawyer. I am sure he will handle everything well.

I am not particularly happy with this idea of putting everything on hold because what will give me happiness this period is when am sure that the lawyer is processing my travelling documents and the release of the money. Please do something about it.

Your lovely daughter,

Aminata


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Beaker

Subject: I love you

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 10:33:34 -0500 (EST)

Hello Beaker,

I am really sorry for my little delay in responding to your mail as I promised you earlier. It was not my fault but the system we are using here in the camp developed a minor fault so I had no other option than to wait till they rectify the fault this afternoon. Please bear with me.

Have you forgotten I promised you that I will be writing you always except when I don’t have any means of doing that. Papa told me you are not bright today. Please cheer up because my love is still for you. I love you so much Beaker. I am expecting your Christmas gift.

Lots of love from,

Joy Aminata Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: Put a brave face on it

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 15:55:51

Dear Miss Kabba,

I am sorry that you are not happy about my Christmas arrangements. However, I am afraid that there is nothing I can do about it. Our trip to Lapland has been booked for months and I cannot cancel it, much as I would like to. Everything is arranged: our flights are booked and I have arranged for Colonel Sanders in the village to see to the chickens in our absence.

Do not fret, my dear. I am sure you will have a lovely Christmas in the refugee camp. And although I will not be able to get a Christmas present to you in time for Christmas day, I am sure that the United Nations will give you a present on the day: perhaps a handful of grain, or a cup of clean water.

There is simply no time to conclude this transaction before Beaker and I travel tomorrow. I am sorry my dear, but there is nothing I can do about it. I give you my word that as soon as I return, I will see to it that you are released from the refugee camp as soon as possible.

I promise you my dear that my thoughts will be with you, there in the refugee camp, while Beaker and I tuck into our hearty Christmas dinner. I shall raise a glass to you and the rest of the refugees after the meal, and toast your good health with Beaker. I trust that you will also be thinking of me, your darling papa, as you eat your no doubt meagre Christmas lunch in the dust and mayhem of the camp.

Please do your best to put a brave face on it, my dear girl. We will be together before too long, I promise you.

Best regards,

Darling Papa


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: YOU LOVE ME!

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 16:52:04

Hi Aminata,

I have just got back from town where I bought some blue paint to paint your bedroom in Hemlock Cottage so that you will feel at home when you come to live with us and I have just read the email you sent me and you have told me that you love me!

This is really good news because as you know I love you too and so that means that we both love each other so now there is no reason why we should not get married and have lots of little children. My court order should have expired by then so there should not be a problem with that.

You have cheered me up so much. I was not happy today because you had not written to me and I thought that meant that you did not love me but now I know that you do love me so I am happy again.

Mr Murray says that he has told you about our trip this Christmas. It will be fun so I will be happy but I will not be able to email you until we get back so I will be a little bit sad too. I will take your picture away with me and keep it by the side of the bed in my hotel room in Lapland. I hope I have managed to control myself by then because otherwise I will have some explaining to do to the chambermaids in the hotel and that will be embarrassing for me.

It is a shame I have not bought you a Christmas present. I suppose it is too late to send you a present now because it would not arrive in the refugee camp in time for Christmas and it would probably be a waste of time anyway because the other refugees would probably fight you for it because they would be jealous of you and I would not want that. I do wish you were here with us right now though so that I could give you one right now.

I would really like to give you a pearl necklace because I bet you would look good with that. Do you want me to give you a pearl necklace? Let me know. If you want me to give you a pearl necklace I will give you one when you come over to live with us here in Gypping in the Marsh.

I have not told Mr Murray but I am taking my favourite chicken with me to Lapland. I will smuggle it there in a suitcase so that it will make me think of you. You will like the chicken. She is nice. But not as nice as you.

I love you Aminata!

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I will try

Sent: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 17:48:21 -0500 (EST)

Darling Papa,

Thank you for your concern. I have learnt to accept what I cannot change. I wish you merry christmas and journey mercy. The almighty God will be with you till you come back.

Yours sincerely,

Aminata Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: David Clovis

Subject: I look forward to concluding our business in the new year

Sent: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 12:03:14

Dear Mr Clovis,

As you will have seen from the email that I copied to you yesterday, I will be travelling extensively over the Christmas period. This is unavoidable, and unfortunately means that I will have to place our business on hold until I return in the new year. I apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.

I am leaving later today. I will contact you as soon as I return, then we will be able to take up where we left off.

I would like to wish you a very merry Christmas. I look forward to concluding our business in the new year.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: A final note before I leave for my trip

Sent: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 12:05:52

Dear Miss Kabba,

A final note before I leave for my trip to wish you a very merry Christmas. Well, I hope it is as merry as it can be in the hot, fetid atmosphere of a refugee camp.

Do not fear, my dear girl. I will do my utmost to get you out of there in the new year. Your darling papa will not desert you.

Best regards,

Darling Papa


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I LOVE YOU!

Sent: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 12:10:59

Hi Aminata,

We are just about to leave for our Christmas business trip and Mr Murray has told me I just about have enough time to send you a quick email before we leave to catch our plane.

As I do not have much time I cannot say very much to you so I will just say that I love you very very much and I will be thinking of you all over Christmas and I hope you will be thinking of me too.

I have your picture in one bag and my chicken in another bag and both of them will remind me of you while I am away.

Please send me some emails over Christmas because it will be lovely to read them when I get back.

I think I might have done the wrong thing about the boil on my nose. The boil has now gone but I think the scissors I used to lance it might have been a bit dirty because my nose has swelled up a lot now and it has gone bright red and I think it might have gone septic. Mr Murray is making fun of me and calling me “Rudolph” but I do not think that is very funny and it hurts a lot. Hopefully the swelling will be gone after Christmas and then I can send you a nice picture of myself.

I love you!

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I am back from Lapland

Sent: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 10:35:41

Dear Miss Kabba,

I am writing to let you know that I have now returned from my business trip to Lapland. The trip went splendidly well, apart from a regrettable incident at the airport, where the security guards discovered that Beaker had packed a live chicken in one of his suitcases. God only knows what the man was thinking of when he did that. I do wonder about Beaker sometimes.

The security guards explained to Beaker that they could not allow a live animal onto the aeroplane, and that he could not board the aeroplane and leave a live chicken behind, as they had no facilities to look after it. I was therefore left with no alternative but to extract the chicken from the suitcase and wring its neck. Beaker was rather upset, but I could not allow us to miss our flight.

Anyway, I trust that Christmas inside the refugee camp was not too miserable for you. Did Father Christmas bring you anything nice?

Now that I have returned to Hemlock Cottage (I came back to find that Colonel Sanders has done a marvellous job of looking after the rest of the chickens, by the way), I am free to help you get out of that horrible camp and to retrieve the money from the security company. Please remind me what I need to do now to get things moving again.

Wishing you all the best for 2005. I hope to see you here in Gypping in the Marsh soon, my dear.

Best regards,

Darling Papa


From: Gilbert Murray

To: David Clovis

Subject: I am back from my business trip

Sent: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 07:09:42

Dear Mr Clovis,

I trust you had a pleasant Christmas, my dear fellow. I have now returned from my business trip, and am ready to conclude our business relating to the delightful Miss Kabba, who I am looking forward to rescuing from the hellish refugee camp in which she is currently languishing.

I would appreciate it if you could advise me on our next step. I am keen to conclude this business as soon as possible.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: David Clovis

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Welcome and happy new year

Sent: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 01:22:22 -0800 (PST)

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Happy new year. I received your mail informing me of your travelling arrangements and this subsequent one which I saw this morning. I hope you had a nice time during the holidays.

I wish to assure you that everything is okay as planned last year. Once I receive the money ($2,920), I will commence action immediately.

You can send the money with this information below:

Aide Kiran, 114 Grand Yoff, Dakar, Senegal

Please, if you send the money, remember to forward the transfer information to me which includes the sender’s name and address, test question and answer, then the transfer control number. Do not use the name I gave you earlier because she is no longer my staff.

Yours in service,

Barr David Clovis


From: Gilbert Murray

To: David Clovis

Subject: Happy new year to you too

Sent: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 12:03:21

Dear Mr Clovis,

Thank you for your email, and for your seasonal greetings. Happy new year to you too, my dear chap.

As I was working throughout the holiday season, Christmas was a very busy period for me this year, and I have to admit that many of the details of our business have slipped my mind since we last communicated. I would therefore appreciate it if you could remind me of the steps we need to take in order to free Miss Kabba from the refugee camp and liberate her late father’s money. I would also appreciate it if you could give me some idea of how long you think this process might take.

Talking of the fragrant Miss Kabba, have you heard from the dear girl recently? I tried to contact her yesterday but she has not responded yet. I am concerned for her welfare. If you bump into her on your travels around the refugee camp, could you ask the young lady to let me know how she is getting on?

I must say, I am pleased to see that you have sacked your secretary. Judging by her lamentable performance at the end of last year, she didn’t appear to be the most able of people. I trust that her replacement is better suited to her role. And I trust that she can add up too.

Incidentally, you mentioned a number of phrases in your last email that I found rather confusing. What does “aide kiran” mean? And what is a “grand yoff”? Are these legal terms? Please explain.

I look forward to hearing back from you and to bringing our business to a successful conclusion.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: DID YOU MISS ME?

Sent: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 12:10:04

Hi Aminata,

Did you miss me over Christmas when I was away working with Mr Murray? I missed you a lot. You said you would email me while I was away but when I got back and checked my emails you have not sent any to me. This has made me very sad. I love you and you told me that you love me so I was hoping to find some emails from you with words of love inside them.

I took your picture away with me so I could look at you every night while I was away before I went to bed and I dreamed about you a lot which was nice even if it was a bit messy sometimes. I tried to take the pretty chicken that I named after you with me but the people at the airport found it in my suitcase and they would not let me take it on board the plane and so Mr Murray wrung its neck right there in the departures lounge so that we could board the plane. That made me very sad too.

Another thing that is making me very sad is the state of my nose. It is still very bad and it is more swollen than ever now. I think I will have to go and see a doctor if the swelling does not go down. It has got green pus oozing out of it now and when I squeeze it it really hurts.

But although I am feeling sad about all of these things I am also feeling happy because I know that you are going to come and live with us and then I can show you how much I love you in a very physical way which will be nice.

Mr Murray says that we are going to be very busy this week working with the chickens and trying to get them to produce square eggs that will not roll off the table. Mr Murray says that he had some good ideas while we were away so maybe we will be successful this week.

Send me an email my love and tell me how much you love me even if my nose is swollen up and oozing horrible nasty pus.

Thanking you,

Beaker


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Welcome Papa

Sent: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 15:02:29 -0500 (EST)

Darling Papa,

Thank you so much for your message. Compliments of the season. I wish you long life, prosperity and success in all your endeavour this 2005.

I am happy that both of you returned safely to your base. Please extend my greetings to Beaker. I will write him tomorrow.

You can now contact the lawyer. He will tell you what to do. We all spent the Xmas here in the camp. Somehow we enjoyed the holiday.

Arrange with the lawyer immediately so that he can start work.

Your darling daughter,

Aminata Kabba


From: David Clovis

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Explanation

Sent: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 12:20:01 -0800 (PST)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Yours is received. I have advised Aminata to write you. Please you can go back to my previous messages. I have explained everything well for you.

When you are ready you let me know.

Aide Kiran is the name of my new secretary. Grand Yoff is her residential address.

Thank you.

Yours in service,

David Clovis


From: Aminata Kabba

To: Beaker

Subject: Yes I did

Sent: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 06:56:36 -0500 (EST)

Dear Beaker,

Thank you for your mail. I wish you happy new year, long life and success in this 2005. Sincerely speaking I felt you people’s absence during these holidays but now am happy that you are back. I really missed you.

Despite the fact that you have a small wound on your nose, my love for you is still intact. I wish to see you as soon as possible. Please you people should make some honest effort with the lawyer so that I can come and stay with you.

Lots of love from,

Aminata Kabba


From: Gilbert Murray

To: David Clovis

Subject: Beaker has deleted your previous emails

Sent: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 12:36:38

Dear Mr Clovis,

Thank you for your email. I only wish that I could refer to your previous messages for an explanation of the steps we need to take in order to free Miss Kabba from the refugee camp and retrieve her late father’s fortune. However, Beaker was playing around on the computer the other day and he has unfortunately managed to delete all of the emails you sent to me last year. The man is so clumsy. He can be such a buffoon sometimes.

I would therefore appreciate it very much if you could remind me precisely what we need to do, and also give me some indication of how long you think everything will take. I am so looking forward to receiving Miss Kabba and her father’s money so I am keen to avoid any delays. Could you also remind me precisely what the $2,920 covers?

Thank you, by the way, for clearing up my query regarding what I thought were legal terms. I did not realise that they related to your new secretary. Please pass on my best regards to her.

On a related matter, I would appreciate it if you could give me the benefit of your legal knowledge regarding my proposed adoption of Miss Kabba. I must admit that I know very little about the adoption procedure, but I imagine that there will be legal forms to complete and suchlike. Could you please advise me how I should begin the adoption process? Presumably you will be able to act on my behalf on this matter as well.

I must return to my experiments with the chickens. I had a few ideas over the Christmas period and I have been trying them out on the birds this week. Results are somewhat mixed so far – the square egg still eludes me – but I am confident that I am on the right track.

Do get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: Discussions with Mr Clovis are progressing well

Sent: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 12:38:03

Dear Miss Kabba,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to hear that you enjoyed the Christmas holiday in the refugee camp. I do hope that the conditions were not too appalling for you.

You will no doubt be pleased to hear that discussions with Mr Clovis are progressing well. You may not have heard that he has found himself a new secretary. This can only be good news. Hopefully his new secretary, Ms Yoff, will have a grasp of basic arithmetic, unlike the last one he employed.

I have also asked Mr Clovis for advice on how to go about adopting you as my own daughter. I am very much looking forward to becoming your adoptive parent, in a very real and legal sense. I am sure you would agree that we must make sure that we do things properly.

Incidentally, my child, I would ask you not to refer to Christmas as “Xmas”, as you did in your last email. I find the abbreviation of Our Lord Jesus Christ’s name to a single “X” offensive in the extreme. I can tell you now, there will be none of that irreligious nonsense when you move into Hemlock Cottage. Beaker and I are both good Christian gentlemen, and we take our religious observance very seriously indeed. You will often find us down on our knees deep in prayer, and we will be expecting you to do likewise when you move in with us. Beaker tells me that he is especially looking forward to seeing you go down on your knees in front of him.

I think Beaker may also be planning to give you a Holy Bible as a gift when you arrive here in Gypping in the Marsh. I overheard him muttering the other day as he was looking at your picture, and I am sure I heard him say that he was looking forward to giving you “a good book”. It was certainly something like that, anyway.

I must go now: my chicken-related experiments await. Do look after yourself in the refugee camp, my child.

Best regards,

Darling Papa


From: Beaker

To: Aminata Kabba

Subject: I HAVE WRITTEN YOU ANOTHER POEM

Sent: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 15:31:15

Hi Aminata,

I am so pleased that you sent me an email. It was a lovely email so thank you very much and I am also pleased to see that you still love me even if my nose is a big swollen septic mess with vile smelling pus oozing out of it. Mr Murray has told me to go and see the doctor tomorrow if the swelling has not gone down.

I just spoke to Mr Murray and told him that you wanted him to do his best to get you out of the refugee camp as soon as he can so that we can be together and he told me to tell you not to worry because he is doing all he can and he is sure that we will get you out of there very soon. He said that he is waiting for some information from your lawyer Mr Hovis and that he needs this information before he can do anything else and that he is sure that Mr Hovis will get back to him with the information he needs very soon. So please do not worry because Mr Murray is doing everything he can.

I have written you another poem and here it is. I hope you like it as much as you liked the other poem that I wrote for you.

How I love you Aminata

With your dead mother and your dead father

As you sit in your refugee camp

When I think of you at night my sheets get damp

Where you live is a country in West Africa

And I cannot wait to get my hands inside your bra

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes upon

And I want to see what you look like with no clothes on

I love you Aminata from your top to your bottom to your back to your front

And I cannot wait for the day when I can finally enter your life.

I have to go now because Mr Murray needs me to help him in the laboratory where he is working on a new mix of chicken feed and he will be angry with me if I am late. Mr Murray is a very kind man most of the time but he does get angry if things do not work out the way he wants them to and that is not nice sometimes. But I am sure that Mr Murray will never be angry with you because you will be his daughter and anyway even if he is I will protect you because I love you lots and lots.

I just thought that when we are married Mr Murray will be my father-in-law. Then I will be able to call him Dad instead of Mr Murray. That will be strange.

Email me again soon my sweet love. I cannot wait to hear from you again.

Thanking you,

Beaker


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