scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Astrologer


In which Gilbert Murray, the finest astrologer in Gypping in the Marsh, attempts to help a bank official from Hong Kong steal a fortune out of a dead Iraqi general’s bank account. What will the stars have in store for the hapless “Mr Minge”?

Cast of characters

  • Gilbert Murray – Gypping in the Marsh’s very own astrologer.
  • Ming Yang – allegedly Director of Operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd in Hong Kong.
  • Barrister Morgan Van – allegedly Mr Ming’s Dutch attorney.


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED

Sent: Mon, 17 Jul 2006 03:56:01

Dear friend,

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr Ming Yang, Director of Operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have an obscured business suggestion for you.

Before the US and Iraqi war our client Major Fadi Basem who was with the Iraqi forces and also a businessman made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of twenty-four million five hundred thousand United States dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war and again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that the major and his family had been killed during the war in bomb blast that hit their home.

After further investigation it was also discovered that Major Fadi Basem did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paperwork of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, twenty-four million five hundred thousand United States dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it.

What bothers me most is that according to the to the laws of my country at the expiration of four years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong government if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Major Fadi Basem so that you will be able to receive his funds.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE:

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Major Fadi Basem. All that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your full names and address so that the attorney can commence his job. After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favour for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalised method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 70% for me, 30% for you. Should you be interested please send me your full names and current residential address and I will prefer you to reach me on the email address below:

Tel/fax: +8 523 017 6685

Email: mingyghk02@yahoo.com.hk

And finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind regards,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED

Sent: Tue, 18 Jul 2006 11:49:01

Dear Mr Minge,

Can this really be true? Tell me more. If you can back up what you say then I’m interested.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: MORE DETAILS

Sent: Tue, 18 Jul 2006 19:05:06 +0800 (CST)

Dear friend,

Thank you very much for your response and your interest in this transaction. I promise to give you my best as far as you are committed to this transaction.

Like I said before, due to this issue on my hands now, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance. I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and also to help me in investing my money in your country. You should not have anything to worry about.

I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all laws of international banking. Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If you work seriously, the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

Firstly, I will want to know the type of occupation that you do and how old you are. You should note that this project is highly capital intensive. This is why I have to be very careful. I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I am now in contact with a foreign online bank. I now intend that you open an account in your name in this foreign bank. The money would be transferred to your account which you will open in the bank for both of us. This is the best way, I have found. It will protect us from my bank.

I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. So you should listen to my instructions and follow them religiously. Also you have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name, as my bank will be aware that it is from me. This is where I need you.

As result of this, you will have to open an account in the corresponding bank. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from this my bank, it will be issued in your name. This will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be banked online for both of us. We can then instruct the bank to transfer our various shares into our respective home bank accounts. I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right.

Before I commence, I will need you to send me a copy of any form of your identification (driver’s licence or international passport) and your current address. I want to be sure that I am transacting with the correct person. As soon as I get these from you, I will commence the paperwork. I hope you will understand why I need all these. The money in question is big and I want to ensure that I know you well before I proceed to give you all the details to commence the project. I will also send you my international passport upon receipt of your identification.

I will send the name and contact details of the bank and their website to you so that you can commence communication with them. Ensure that you keep this project confidential, do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

Your urgent and positive response will be appreciated.

Regards,

Ming Yang


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE (WHY SILENCE?)

Sent: Wed, 19 Jul 2006 21:47:47 +0800 (CST)

Dear friend,

How are you doing? I just want to check on you to know how you are doing and also to know if you are still interested to follow up this transaction. You do not have anything to worry about regarding this transaction.

If I may remind you again you are required to send any of your identity to me for my reference beside it is this identity that will be used by the attorney to prepare the needed document for us in this transaction.

I await your response urgently along with the required identity.

Regards,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: Apologies for the delay in getting back to you

Sent: Thu, 20 Jul 2006 08:54:29

Dear Mr Minge,

I must apologise for the delay in getting back to you. I’ve been away down in London for a series of meetings with the editors of a number of magazines that I write for. I am an astrologer, you see. I write the horoscopes for a number of popular magazines, including Numismatology Monthly, Shtup!, Classic Yugo, Pederast World and Celebrity Gabfest.

As it happens I am currently on the lookout for sources of funding to enable me to realise my dreams and ambitions. It has long been my dream to open up a school of astrology in the village where I live so that I can pass on my knowledge and wisdom to others.

As well as enabling me to pass on my skills to budding astrologers, a scheme like this should be a good little earner: as well as paying for their astrology courses, my students would pay for their board and lodgings for the duration of their courses. I’m planning on making a tidy profit on each paying student.

That’s why your proposal interested me in the first place: with the kind of money you’re talking about, I could turn my dreams into reality at last.

However, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have a few reservations. You’ve said on a number of occasions that this transaction is risk free and that I’ve got nothing to worry about. But surely there must be some element of risk involved here? I mean we’re planning to set me up as the next of kin to a dead Iraqi so that we can (I hesitate to use the word) steal his money. That’s effectively what we’ll be doing. There’s no way that can be legal, and to be honest with you, that worries me. Surely we’d be putting ourselves at risk here.

I’m very tempted by the proposal you’re putting forward Mr Minge, but I wouldn’t want to get myself involved in anything risky or illegal; I’ve got my reputation to think of. If I got into trouble with the law I’ve no doubt that the magazines I write horoscopes for would drop me like a stone: they wouldn’t want the bad publicity.

I’m going to need some reassurance on this matter. Please get back to me as soon as you can. I will be waiting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I think it’s probably a good idea if I consult the stars and see what they have to say about this transaction. In order to do this I’m going to need the dates of birth of you, your attorney and the dead Iraqi. Please send them on to me by return.


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Fri, 21 Jul 2006 04:42:25 +0800 (CST)

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you very much for your email and explanations, actually I have confidence in your capabilities to handle this transaction appropriately. This I would say is an advantage to both of us, honestly speaking I have no cause to doubt your integrity, however I believe that our individual virtues would be confirmed as we move along with this business.

I would indeed be overwhelmed meeting you in person, perhaps there are lots of other transactions we could have together apart from this. I have been in the financial sector for many years though I try as much as possible to diversify my interests by exploring new frontiers.

Well if I may remind you again, you are required to send a copy of your driver’s licence or your international passport. The most important issue is that I want to be sure I am transacting with the correct person. My curiosity can be justified considering the money in question, besides, it is this copy of your driver’s licence or international passport that will be used by the attorney to have all the necessary documentations perfected.

I want the funds transferred from my bank before the week runs out. If you really intend to execute this transaction with me it would be necessary to have these sent to me immediately via email attachment. Ensure that you keep this project CONFIDENTIAL. Do not discuss it with anybody because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

I earnestly await your response with the required details.

Sincerely,

Ming Yang

NOTE: I am a professional banker and I expect you to follow my instructions, for the success of this transaction.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: You haven’t addressed my concerns

Sent: Fri, 21 Jul 2006 08:58:03

Dear Mr Minge,

I have just read your last email. I’m sorry my dear fellow, but you haven’t addressed my concerns over this transaction at all.

I stated very clearly in my last email to you that I was worried about the prospect of us getting into trouble over this transaction if anyone finds out what we’ve done. I mean, what you’re proposing to do is actually illegal, isn’t it? I’m going to have to lie to the bank by telling them that I’m related to this dead Iraqi. I’m worried that if this gets out we might get into serious trouble with the police. I mean, we’re going to be defrauding the bank, aren’t we?

How can you be sure that we won’t get caught, Mr Minge? I’m really very worried about this. Before I am willing to move forward with this transaction, I will need your reassurance on this matter... as I said in my last email.

The other thing I will need before I am willing to move forward with this transaction – again, as I said in my last email – is the birth dates of you, your attorney and the dead Iraqi, so that I can consult my star charts to see what they have to say about the future of this transaction. I am an astrologer, Mr Minge, and it is a rule of mine never to involve myself in anything new without consulting the celestial bodies.

I must get back to my work – I am currently preparing this month’s horoscopes for Banana Collector’s World magazine. Please get back to me with this information by return. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: HERE IS YOUR REQUEST

Sent: Fri, 21 Jul 2006 22:47:35 +0800 (CST)

Dear friend,

I am in receipt of your mail and update. I understand why you need all those details from me. But I want you to keep this confidential except me and you will know about this.

Below are my age of birth and the attorney. Here is the age of birth I found with the document Major Fadi Basem used in opening an account with Hang Seng Bank Ltd.

  • Ming Yang: 09/08/1965
  • Attorney: 21/01/1959
  • Major Fadi was 49 years old before his and the family unfortunate dead

I am hoping to get your next email urgent because we do not have much time to waste in this transaction. Also I will want you to send your identity immediately.

I await your urgent and positive response.

Regards,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I will consult the heavens for guidance

Sent: Fri, 21 Jul 2006 16:32:55

Dear Mr Minge,

Thank you for your email and for sending me as much information as you could about the birth dates I asked for. It is such a shame that you couldn’t find out Major Basem’s actual birth date. Oh well, never mind. I will just have to make do with knowing the year in which he was born – the Year of the Chiropractor, I note – and do my best. Of course, without knowing his precise date of birth the chart will not be as accurate as it would otherwise have been.

Still, at least I know your birth date and that of the attorney you are proposing to use. Leo and Aquarius... what an interesting combination, especially when you throw in my own birth sign of Cancer. I shall consult my charts over the weekend and see what the stars have to say about the future success of this transaction. I will get back to you after the weekend, once I have done so.

In the meantime, my dear fellow, you have still not addressed the concerns I raised about the legality of this whole transaction and the possibility of us getting caught by the authorities. I have expressed my concerns to you on a number of occasions now. I would be grateful if you could deal with them by return. For example, what steps have you taken to ensure that the authorities don’t find out what we’ve done?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I finished off this month’s horoscopes for Banana Collector’s World magazine earlier. Being a Leo, might I suggest that you would be wise to deal with any family matters that might be causing you concern at the moment, rather than putting them off until later? I would also advise you to steer clear of anything coloured green for the next few days... oh, and your lucky number is 4.


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Sat, 22 Jul 2006 04:20:47 +0800 (CST)

Dear friend,

Thank you for your email and advice you give to me, I appreciate every part of it.

Please do get back to me immediately you have contacted your whom you want to contact but I want you to know that this is confidential.

I await your response urgently after the final consulting.

Regards,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: Good news, my friend!

Sent: Mon, 24 Jul 2006 08:50:46

Dear Mr Minge,

I write with good news, my friend! I pored over my star charts this weekend and I am pleased to report that the heavens appear to be smiling on the future of this transaction! Harmonious aspects are visible in abundance.

Our two signs – Cancer and Leo – seem to be particularly well-suited in terms of a business relationship at the present time. Cancer is of course one of the cardinal signs, and is therefore associated with initiatory, active and dynamic qualities. Leo, being a fire sign, has associated qualities of ardour, spirit and spontenaity which would appear to be entirely complementary. Our two signs also share a long ascension, which can only be good news.

The fact that my sign is ruled by the Moon and your sign is ruled by the Sun is also extremely positive, as is the fact that the fertility of my sign cancels out the barrenness of your own. Incidentally, do you have any children, my dear chap?

On top of all this, the planetary alignments for the next few weeks appear to be extremely fortuitous, as do their positions within the major constellations. Crucially, the planet Uranus is moving into direct alignment with the stars that form the sword hanging from Orion’s belt. With the sword of Orion pointing directly at Uranus, I cannot see how we can fail in this transaction; the Gods truly are smiling upon us.

However, it is not all good news; there is a fly in the ointment. Although our own two signs appear to be particularly well-suited, that of your attorney – Aquarius – does not. Aquarius is of course a semi-barren sign. This does not bode well, given the fact that your sign is also barren. Aquarius is also a diurnal sign, which is not good news. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, not only is Saturn (the Greater Malefic) moving into the House of Aquarius at the present time, but so too is Mars (the Lesser Malefic).

These are most unpropitious signs indeed, my dear fellow. If we were to embark on this transaction with the attorney that you are proposing to use, I am concerned that the quadruplicity of the resulting quincunx (inconjunct) and its effect on the separating sinister aspect would be in danger of causing severe sidereal refranation. And I’m sure I don’t have to spell out to you what that could mean.

However, there is an alternative. As it happens, there is an excellent lawyer in the village – Welsby, of the legal firm Elton and Welsby – whose services I have been using for over ten years. Welsby’s a fine lawyer, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. He also charges extremely reasonable fees. Most importantly, he is a Taurean, and that sign would appear to be far better-suited to this transaction than that of your attorney, being semi-fertile and related to stability, solidarity and practicality.

Welsby’s got the sharpest legal brain I’ve ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a party of potholers who took the advice I gave in a horoscope in Piscean Potholing Monthly magazine (I advised that it was a good time to take risks) and went potholing during a serious thunderstorm, which resulted in severe flash-floods.

Welsby worked wonders in the ensuing court case. Not only did he manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved families.

I can’t recommend Welsby highly enough. Do you think I ought to contact him and see if he can help us out in this matter, my dear chap? I am sure he would do an excellent job for us.

Let me know what you think about getting Welsby involved in this transaction. In the meantime, I have attached a scanned copy of my passport as you requested.

Get back to me as soon as you can. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

Gilbert’s forged passport
(Click to enlarge)


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONTACT THE BANK NOW

Sent: Mon, 24 Jul 2006 19:57:59 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I am in receipt of your mail. I thank you for showing some great responsibility and trust. I must also let you know that I feel comfortable transacting with you especially after your last email even though we have not had a verbal conversation. Please do not let me down.

About using your attorney I do not think it will be possible for us. This attorney is as good as anybody will think. Besides he is like my brother and he is well knowed in Hong Kong and United States. Brother, I am a father of two children with my wife is with me at home. Brother I do not want you to let your attorney know about this transaction. This is confidential between me and you.

I have sent your details to my attorney who will today put together the perfected paperwork to be sent to the bank for the release of the funds. This should take not longer than a day or two. In this light, I have sent you the website of the bank so you can browse it and make enquiries on offshore/online account opening. I advise you like I said earlier that you open an account with the bank so that once the funds are released, they will be moved straight into your account and the transfer will not attract the monetary bodies, as the transfer be will seen as in-house (same telex type with my bank). You can then transfer the funds in safe bits to your main account for both of us.

Please find below the bank’s website:

http://www.caixacata.com

I will await an update. Please do make contact with the bank so that the account opening can be fast. I had to remain awake to get the notification about this contact details, you know the time difference. I call you brother so that we both understand that our trust in each other is that of blood brothers. God bless you for your positive resolve to affect our lives.

Also attached is my work identification card for your reference.

Kind in regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang

Mr Yang’s ID card
(Click to enlarge)


Mr Yang’s email included a link to a typical bogus bank website: relatively professional-looking at first glance, but riddled with errors and with a surprisingly small number of pages on closer inspection. The most noteworthy item on the website is the list of charges for opening an account with the “bank”: depending on the type of account opened, the charges range from 4,500 Euros to 13,500 Euros. Have the scammers never heard of free banking?


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I’m not at all sure about using your attorney

Sent: Mon, 24 Jul 2006 15:03:22

Dear Mr Minge,

Thank you for your email. Are you sure you want to go ahead and use your attorney, after everything I told you in my last email? According to the stars, moving forward with your attorney is just about the worst thing we could do. His horoscope just isn’t in alignment with ours – his third navamsa looks particularly troubling in this respect – and that could spell catastrophe for us.

I am very serious about this, Mr Minge. The stars and planets never lie... although they can be misinterpreted sometimes, as my experience with the Piscean potholers goes to show. The stars are clearly telling us that for us to move forward with an Aquarian attorney would be sheer madness. I mean, Saturn and Mars are both occupying an anaretic place in your attorney’s charts, and that could be about to afflict the Hyleg. And I’m sure you know what the potential ramifications of that could be.

For us to ignore warnings like this would be the height of foolishness on our part, my dear friend. Can I not beg you to reconsider your position and move forward with Welsby instead? I could pop my head around his door tomorrow morning and see if he can help us out with this business. It’d be no trouble. What do you think? Shall we give him a try?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Tue, 25 Jul 2006 04:42:46 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I want to thank you for your effort and update. Brother I want you to know that this is not a friend affair this is business. I have told you not to tell or contact your attorney because this is a confidential.

I think it will be very much OK doing this with the first attorney. Besides if there should be any problem or delay in this transaction it should be you or me although you have already seen this as a successful transaction in future.

The attorney does not have anything a lot to do in this, I only pay him for the document he is to prepare with your details. Brother do not let this be the issue we will be discussing and I will appreciate if this will be the last time we will discuss this attorney issue.

Brother what I expect from you now is for you to contact the bank and open an account and make sure you get the account activated so I can be able to effect on the transfer in time.

Immediately you have gotten the account open and activated do get back to me with the necessary details of the account so I can effect the transfer immediately which will hit or reflect on the account after eight hours.

I await your response urgently.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: Against my better judgement, we’ll use your attorney

Sent: Tue, 25 Jul 2006 08:50:29

Dear Mr Minge,

I have to say I am surprised to see that despite everything I have told you, you are still insistent that we should move forward with your own attorney. I have read disturbing portents about your attorney in the stars, Mr Minge. We ignore the warnings that are given to us by the celestial bodies at our peril, my dear chap.

Well, you seem to be determined to use your own attorney, and for some reason it seems as if my most cogent and urgent arguments are having no effect. With this in mind – and against my better judgement – I will agree to use your attorney in this business.

But I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what could happen if the frictional influence of the sesquiquadrate that could result from our decision causes the infortunes that are due to enter the House of Aquarius to fall within the influence of the Via Combusta in a departing aspect. On your head be it if that happens.

Now then, I had a quick look at that bank’s website last night. I have to say, it’s hardly the most professional-looking website in the world, is it? Have you seen it? It’s dreadfully slow, there are images missing from the pages and there are broken links all over the place. It really doesn’t give a very good impression of the bank. As my son, Gilbert Jnr would probably put it, I’ve scraped more professional-looking websites off the sole of my shoe.

Tell me, why do we have to use this bank anyway? Surely it would be easier to have the money transferred directly into my own bank, rather than me having to open an account with this shoddy-looking outfit. I’ve been with my own bank, Bartletts, for years now, and they’ve always been extremely reliable and discreet. I’d much prefer to have the money transferred directly into my Bartletts account. What do you reckon?

I must go: I’ve got to prepare this month’s horoscopes for Protozoan Digest magazine. Please instruct your attorney to begin work on our behalf immediately and get back to me with your thoughts about having the money transferred into my own bank account.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Tue, 25 Jul 2006 18:54:45 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

Greetings. Thank you for your suggestion to use your bank. Actually the reason I decide to use the bank I am to provide for you is because the bank is of the same telex type as my bank, hence any transfer between the bank and my bank would be seen as an in-house transfer, this will avoid the attention of certain financial bodies that have strict monetary policies, you have nothing to worry regarding this.

The authorities would simply believe this transfer to be a bank to bank affair and it would not raise eyebrows or trigger any red flags. It is necessary to take precautions on issues like this, and I have to ensure that our interest are protected in this transaction and as soon the funds hit your account at the bank you can then transfer our shares in our respective private accounts anywhere in the world.

I am a professional banker I know what I am talking about and I expect you to follow my instructions for the success of this transaction. I thank you once again for your time and commitment so far on this matter.

Your urgent response will be appreciated and do make contact with the bank and get the account open and activated so I can be able to effect on the transfer within the next few days.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I’m not having much luck with that bank’s website

Sent: Tue, 25 Jul 2006 16:02:16

Dear Mr Minge,

I’ve been trying to open an account with that bank you recommended to me, but I’ve not been having much luck with their website. Each time I try and enter my information it crashes and gives me bizarre error messages. I’ve tried five times now to open an account with them, and I’ve failed each time. It’s all very irritating.

I have to say Mr Minge, my opinion of this bank is going downhill faster than a greased cheetah on roller skates. Do you know if there is some other way I can open an account with the bank, other than using their website? Do you have any contacts in the bank I could get in touch with, for example? Or perhaps you could recommend a different bank that we could use? Preferably one with a website that doesn’t look as if it was designed by retarded chimpanzees.

Of course, an even easier alternative would be to forget about this bank altogether and use my existing bank account, as I suggested earlier. I reckon this would be far easier for all concerned. What do you think?

How is your attorney getting on with drafting those documents, by the way? I trust you’ll be able to send me a copy within the next day or so.

Get back to me with your thoughts about the bank as soon as you can, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I’ve just finished the horoscopes for Protozoan Digest magazine. Being a Leo, this month’s gibbous moon means that you will probably find yourself spending a considerable amount of time in self-analysis, brooding over all of the things that have gone wrong in your life and that have led you to where you are now. But do try not to be be too harsh on yourself; you can leave that to others. Things appear to be looking up for you on Wednesday, but do try to stay away from anything made of cheese. Meetings and partings may be particular significance to you in the coming week, and your lucky number is 1.


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 01:36:03 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I appreciate the fact that you are putting all your effort to complete this transaction within the useful time.

Here is the bank contact which you can use in contacting them for an account requirement:

Email: info@caixacata.com

Brother you can as well send them an email because I want you to get the account open before Friday so I can be able to effect the transfer first thing Monday morning Hong Kong time.

Immediately you have open and activate the account I will want you to send me the details which I can effect to the transfer to.

I await your response urgently.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I will contact the bank today

Sent: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 10:10:17

Dear Mr Minge,

Thank you for sending me those contact details. I will contact the bank today and send you a copy of the email.

Incidentally, I note that it is a Spanish bank. As it happens, I learned a bit of Spanish a while ago. Emailing the bank will be an excellent opportunity for me to try out my Spanish on a native speaker.

How is your attorney getting on with those documents?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Banco de Caixa Catalunya; Cc: Ming Yang

Subject: Quiero abrir una cuenta con su banco

Sent: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 10:14:21

Buenos dias, senor o senora,

Me llamo Gilbert Murray. Soy un astrologo ingles de Lincolnshire. Estoy escribiendo a Vd por que quiero abrir una cuenta con su banco.

Yo queria abrir una cuenta en su website, pero no estaba trabajando; estaba roto. Por que no puedo abrir una cuenta en su website – estaba muy fastidioso – un de me companeros (el Sr Minge, de Hong Kong) me dio informacion de su correo electronico.

Por favor, escribame Vd y digame que debo hacer a abrir una cuenta con su banco.

Muchas gracias,

Gilbert Murray


A rough translation of the above email:

Good day, sir or madam,

My name is Gilbert Murray. I am an English astrologer from Lincolnshire. I am writing to you because I want to open an account with your bank.

I wanted to open an account on your website, but it was not working; it was broken. Because I could not open an account on your website – it was very irritating – one of my colleagues (Mr Minge, from Hong Kong) gave me information about your email address.

Please write to me and tell me what I must do to open an account with your bank.

Many thanks,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: BE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS MATTER PLEASE

Sent: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 18:29:27 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I am in receipt of your mail and update. I have read and understand all your email but I will advise you to be serious about this transaction. Do not send me any email with Spanish again because I do not understand Spanish.

What you are to hurry about now is for you to contact the bank and set up an account for the transfer of the funds.

I await your response urgently.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: My email to the bank

Sent: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 14:59:40

Dear Mr Minge,

You may not understand Spanish – and I wouldn’t expect you to, coming from Hong Kong as you do – but seeing as the Banco de Caixa Catalunya is a Spanish bank, whoever reads my email at the bank will certainly understand what I was saying to them.

I thought that it would be courteous to write to the people at the Spanish bank in their own language. To write to them in English and to expect them to understand my email would have been rude. I only wish that I knew some Catalan so that I could have written to them in what must be their first native tongue rather than in Castillian.

I have to say Mr Minge, I don’t take kindly to you telling me to “be serious about this matter”. I am extremely serious about this matter. This money means a lot to me: it will enable me to realise my dreams. I would thank you not to address me in such an insolent manner again.

Anyway, not to worry. As you have seen, I have emailed the bank and asked them for information on how to set up a bank account with them. No doubt they will respond to my email in the very near future. I will keep you informed of developments.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. For the third time of asking, how is your attorney getting on with those documents?


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANK YOU FOR YOUR EFFORT

Sent: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 23:37:39 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

Thank you for your email and your effort so far on this transaction. Brother I will be waiting to receive any more details from you about the account you are to set up.

I await your response.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Banco de Caixa Catalunya; Cc: Ming Yang

Subject: Responda Vd a mi correo electronico, por favor

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 09:14:27

Buenos dias, senor o senora,

Estoy decepcionado a ver que no ha respondido al correo electronico que te envi ayer.

Responda Vd a mi correo electronico hoy, por favor: debo abrir una cuenta con su banco pronto. Es muy importante. Comprende Vd?

Estoy esperando por su repuesta.

Muchas gracias,

Gilbert Murray


A rough translation of the above email:

Good day, sir or madam,

I am disappointed to see that you have not responded to the email I sent to you yesterday.

Please reply to my email today: I need to open an account with your bank soon. It is very important. Do you understand?

I am waiting for your reply.

Many thanks,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I haven’t heard a word from that Spanish bank yet

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 09:17:03

Dear Mr Minge,

I haven’t heard a word from that Spanish bank yet. It’s been a whole day since I emailed them. Surely any bank worth its salt would have got back to me by now.

Anyway, as you’ll have seen, I’ve just sent them an email asking them why they haven’t responded to the email I sent to them yesterday and asking them to get back to me quickly. I have told them that it is very important that I open an account with their bank as soon as possible.

It’s very irritating that they’re delaying this transaction. I’ll tell you what, Mr Minge. Let’s give them until the end of the day to get back to me. If I haven’t heard from them by the end of the day, I suggest we forget about this Spanish bank and have the money transferred directly into my own bank account. That way their typically Spanish “manana” attitude needn’t cause us any more delays. What do you reckon?

I must go: I have to prepare this month’s horoscopes for Hatstands Today magazine. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear from the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 16:45:02 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

Thank you for your email and and effort so far on this transaction. Brother I will appreciate if you can browse the bank website and register for an account opening.

I am a professional banker and I know what I am saying. You should apply for an account opening yourself in the bank website rather than sending them a lot of email.

Brother do act fast because it may work that way. If you want us to transfer the whole into your account it will be degerious (sic) which I do not accept. Beside you will need to pay the attorney again for some transfer document that he will need to prepare.

I await your response.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I still can’t get that website to work

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 10:14:35

Dear Mr Minge,

I have just tried again to open an account using that bank’s execrable website and it’s still no good; all I get are error messages. It even managed to crash my computer. It’s no good; I just can’t get it to work.

I have to say, my opinion of this bank is getting worse all the time. Not only do they have a website that looks as if it’s been designed by a lobotomised loris, they don’t even have the decency to respond to my emails. Do they want my business or not?

And what’s all this nonsense about have to pay the attorney to draw up another transfer document? How can that be? If he’s drawn up the transfer document already it can’t possibly refer to any bank account specifically, because I haven’t opened one yet.

I repeat, I am giving this Spanish bank until the end of the day to get back to me. If they haven’t responded to my emails by then, I suggest we move forward with another bank... such as my own.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Banco de Caixa Catalunya

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Account Opening Clarification

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 02:59:20 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Sir,

We have received your email and the content well understood. Be informed that you need to log onto our website and click on Apply For Account, fill the spaces provide and click on Submit after filling the form.

Once we receive your application it will be processed and you will hear from us.

Customer Service


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CALL THE BANK

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 17:56:49 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

Thank you for your email, I will want you to call the bank by phone now to see how serious you really are.

Because the bank website here in my computer is quite OK. I do not see anything wrong with it or error.

Do call the bank by phone and get back to me with what they said.

I await your urgent response.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Banco de Caixa Catalunya; Cc: Ming Yang

Subject: Muchas gracias por su correo electronico

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 13:36:17

Buenos dias, senor o senora,

Thank you for your email. Better late than never, I suppose. Thank you also for writing to me in English. Vd es muy amable.

I understand that you want me to open an account using your website. However, if you go back and read the email I sent to you yesterday again, you will see that I cannot open an account using your website; every time I try to do so I get nothing but error messages. Sometimes my computer even crashes.

This may be a problem with your website, or it may be a problem with my computer. I don’t know. However, surely I can open an account without having to go through your appalling website. Simply respond to this email and tell me exactly what personal information you require from me in order to open account. I will send you that information by email, and then you can open an account for me. Comprende?

Please get back to me as soon as you can and let me know what information you need from me.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. If you don’t mind me saying so, perhaps you might like to consider getting someone in to redesign your website? I’ve never come across a bank with such an appalling website in all my life. It really doesn’t reflect well on your bank; in fact, it makes you look like a bunch of rank amateurs, rather than the professional bankers that you undoubtedly are.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: The bank has been in touch

Sent: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 13:42:49

Dear Mr Minge,

Panic over, my dear fellow: the bank has been in touch. I don’t know what took them so long to get respond to my email. Perhaps it was their siesta time... or they could have been having one of their many donkey-torturing festivals.

Anyway, whatever the reason for their delay in responding, that doesn’t matter now. As you’ll have seen, I’ve responded to the email they sent me and told them again that their website doesn’t work on my computer for some reason. I’ve asked them to send me an email telling me exactly what information they need to open an account on my behalf. Hopefully they will get back to me before the end of the day, and then we can start making some progress.

By the way, you still haven’t sent me a copy of the documents that the attorney has drawn up. Please scan them in and send me a copy by return, my friend.

I will let you know as soon as I hear back from the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I’ve just finished the horoscopes for Hatstands Today magazine. Being a Leo, now is the time to sort out any problems you have in your personal relationships. The time for prevarication is over: the impending ascension of Venus into the House of Leo means that this is the time for action. Be wary of looking gift horses in the mouth around the 30th: things may not be all that they seem. The colour that best matches your aura at the moment is brown, and your lucky number is 9.


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Fri, 28 Jul 2006 01:04:45 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I was so happy to hear that the bank have contacted you. Brother I will be waiting to receive the next feedback from you which you will receive from the bank.

Once again I appreciate all your effort so far on this transaction.

I await response.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Sat, 29 Jul 2006 18:08:57 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

How are you doing? I have not heard from you for some time now. I will want an update from you regarding the account set up.

Brother do act fast from your side so I can be able to effect on the transfer.

I await your response.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I’m still waiting for the bank to get back to me

Sent: Sat, 29 Jul 2006 13:18:33

Dear Mr Minge,

I’m sorry for the delay, but I’m still waiting for the bank to get back to me and let me know what information they need from me in order to open a bank account with them.

As it’s now the weekend I don’t expect to hear anything from them until Monday at the earliest. Let’s hope they get in touch with me then.

I’m really not impressed with their customer service. It’s almost as if they don’t actually want my business. Well, if they haven’t got in touch with me by the end of Monday, I’m going to give up on them. We’ll have to have the money transferred directly into my existing bank account instead.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Where are those documents that the attorney has drawn up? I want to see them. Send me a copy at once.


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Sun, 30 Jul 2006 00:38:23 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

Thank you for getting back to me in time. I hope they contact you by Monday.

I await to hear from you till then.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Banco de Caixa Catalunya; Cc: Ming Yang

Subject: You have until the end of the day to respond to my query

Sent: Mon, 31 Jul 2006 08:55:39

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have asked you a number of times now to tell me precisely what information you need from me in order to open an account with your bank.

Your lack of a positive response is mystifying. I am planning to invest a large sum of money in your bank. Do you want my business or not?

If you do indeed want my business, you will respond to my email before the end of today so that we can make some progress. If I have not heard from you by the end of the day I will be taking my business elsewhere – to a bank that has some concept of what “customer service” actually means.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: DO AS THE BANK HAS ORDER YOU TO

Sent: Mon, 31 Jul 2006 18:33:07 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I am in receipt of your mail and update. Brother I want you to act as the bank has ordered you to. Just open the bank website and fill the registration form for a new account opening.

I am sure they will contact you on what they need. Remember this is a bank and they have their own policy.

Do browse the website and fill the form for account opening. I await your response urgently.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: How many times do I have to tell you this?

Sent: Mon, 31 Jul 2006 12:05:28

Dear Mr Minge,

I CAN’T OPEN ACCOUNT USING THE BANK’s WEBSITE BECAUSE IT DOESN’T WORK ON MY COMPUTER.

For pity’s sake, how many times do I have to tell you this? I am starting to feel like a stuck record. I don’t know whether there’s a problem with the bank’s website or with my computer, but regardless of where the problem lies, the fact remains that I CAN’T OPEN AN ACCOUNT USING THEIR WEBSITE.

I am sick and tired of all this hassle that the bank is causing us. They are delaying this whole transaction. What on earth is the bank’s problem? Why haven’t they got back to me?

You say they have their own policy... I’m starting that you’re right about that. Their policy seems to consist entirely of sitting on their fat backsides doing absolutely bugger all in response to enquiries from prospective customers.

And as for you, I can’t for the life of me understand why you are so determined to stick with such a pathetically useless bank. It just doesn’t make sense.

You may be willing to sit around twiddling your thumbs for day after day while some bunch of Iberian indolents delay us time and time again, but I am not. I repeat, if they haven’t got back to me by the end of the day with the information they need from me in order to open a bank account, I will refuse to do business with them and we will have to use another bank. It’s as simple as that.

You’re a banker, Mr Minge. You must have contacts in the banking world. I suggest that you do what you can today to get in touch with these Spanish sloths and poke them into action.

I will be waiting.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Tue, 01 Aug 2006 02:24:35 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

Thank you for your email and suggestion. Brother let us just wait for the bank to contact. If they did not I will see what I can do about changing of bank.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: Details of my bank account

Sent: Tue, 01 Aug 2006 08:42:52

Dear Mr Minge,

Well, I didn’t hear a word back from those Catalan cretins at the bank yesterday. As they have shown that they are obviously not interested in doing business with me, I am no longer interested in doing business with them.

So, now that we are no longer having anything to do with those sherry-drinking simpletons, here are the details of my own bank account instead. Please make arrangements to transfer the money directly into it:

  • Bank Account Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray
  • Bank Account Number: 74053275
  • Sort Code: 21-38-19
  • Account Holding Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK

Please get back to me to confirm that you will make the necessary arrangements forthwith: I am fast losing patience. If it hadn’t been for your dogged insistence that we should use those dunderheaded Don Quixotes, we would have had this money transferred by now.

Get back to me as soon as you can. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. When are you going to send on those documents that your attorney has drawn up? I’ve asked you for them time and time again. Have you been reading my emails properly?


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Tue, 01 Aug 2006 16:41:06 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I am in receipt of your mail and update. Remember I told you that we cannot use any local bank account. We have to use an online account because that Spain online bank have the same telex type with my bank.

But I talk to the attorney about transferring the funds to a local bank, if it might cause any trouble. He said yes, but he can help us prepare some document which he we submit at my bank for the release of the funds to his client which will be you.

But he said that might cost us 3,000 Euros for attorney fee and document preparations. Brother I want you to know that I am totally out of funds for such payment that I am trying to have patience with the Spain bank for the account.

Brother if you think it will be better for us to use the attorney to transfer it direct it will be you who will take care of the charges because I have spent a lot of money preparing the first document with your details and I have to pay for taxes too.

I want you to know that everything is currently on your hands right now. So brother do not let me down at this moment of a better opportunity. And I will not let you down too.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: That sounds more like it

Sent: Tue, 01 Aug 2006 10:04:22

Dear Mr Minge,

Thank you for your email. That sounds more like it: I knew there had to be some way of transferring the money directly into my own bank account. Anything would be better than getting ourselves involved with that bunch of bullfighting buffoons at that useless Spanish bank. The way things were going with them, it’d be Christmas before we got the money transferred.

If it costs a bit of money to have the fund transferred into my own bank account, then so be it. You need a speculum to accumulate, as my wife’s gynaecologist used to say. It’ll be worth it in the end... and we’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that we don’t have to rely on those paella-eating poltroons.

Besides, any fees we have to pay in order to get our hands on that money sooner will be more than outweighed by the extra interest we’ll earn.

Kindly instruct your attorney to prepare the necessary documentation at once, Mr Minge: we’ve put up with enough delays over the past week, thanks to that Spanish bank.

You get the ball rolling at your end, Mr Minge, and send those documents to me as soon as they’re ready. I’ll be busy today preparing this month’s horoscopes for Pre-Teen Jailbait magazine, but I’ll be waiting to hear back from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Ming Yang

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: RESPONSE

Sent: Tue, 01 Aug 2006 16:41:06 +0800 (CST)

Dear Brother Murray,

I have talked to the attorney but he refuse doing anything without the fee payment. Beside he needs some details from you.

You can contact him through these contacts:

  • Dean Morgan Van Chambers
  • Barrister Morgan Van
  • Joop Geesinkweg 901-999, 1096 AZ, Amsterdam, Netherlands
  • Telephone: +31 (0)84 721 3990 (office)
  • Fax: + 31 (0)84 721 3990
  • Email: barrister_morgan_van@yahoo.com

Brother I want you to do everything fast from your side to get the attorney settled for the preparation of the documents.

I await your response.

Regards,

Your brother and partner,

Ming Yang


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Ming Yang

Subject: I’ll get in touch with the attorney straight away

Sent: Wed, 02 Aug 2006 08:55:15

Dear Mr Minge,

Thank you for sending me your attorney’s details. I’ll get in touch with him straight away.

I have to ask, given the fact that you’re based in Hong Kong, why on earth are you using a Dutch attorney? The difference in time zones must make it very inconvenient when you have to get in touch with one another. Aren’t there any decent attorneys you could have used in Hong Kong?

Well, I suppose you must know what you’re doing... even if it doesn’t make an awful lot of sense to me.

Anyway, I’ll get back to you when I’ve got an update.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I completed this month’s horoscopes for Pre-Teen Jailbait magazine yesterday. Being a Leo, the fact that Neptune is casimi and that Jupiter is combust at the moment means that good fortune should be coming your way towards the end of the week. However, the rather fluid state of Uranus at the moment means that you should avoid all fibrous food until after the weekend. Your lucky number is unfortunately not expressible as the quotient of two integers.


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