scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Farmer (part 2 of 3)


Click here to view the first part of this scambust.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I will have a word with Welsby

Sent: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 10:10:51

Dear Bello,

Thanks for your email. Believe me, I am all for giving praise when praise is due, but the way I see things, Mr Mukolu has done nothing in this transaction so far that merits any praise whatsoever. First of all he blabbed details of my personal business all over the bank, which nearly resulted in me losing money to that fraudster Sanusi, then he messed up the affidavit – I’ve still only seen half of that document – and now he’s produced a memorandum of understanding that’s got more mistakes in it than an orphanage next door to a brothel.

Believe me my friend, when Mr Mukolu does something worthy of praise, I will be the first to slap him on the back and congratulate him. But as things stand at the moment, it’s not a slap on the back the man deserves; it’s a sharp kick in the pants.

Anyway, I will do as you suggest: I will pop into the village this morning and see if Welsby will be able to help us out here. I need to go into the village anyway this morning to pick up some more shotgun cartridges from the gunsmith. I’ll get back to you as soon as I get back.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Welsby is not prepared to take on this work

Sent: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 12:23:36

Dear Bello,

I’ve just come back from the village, where I popped in to see Welsby to see if he would be willing to take over from Mr Mukolu and start working for us on this transaction.

Bad news, I’m afraid. Welsby explained to me that although he would be delighted to lend us the benefit of his years of experience in this matter, ethical considerations prevent him from stepping in and taking over a job of work that another lawyer – Mr Mukolu – has begun.

Nevertheless, I showed Welsby the memorandum of understanding that Mr Mukolu had drawn up. I’m afraid to say that he was extremely scathing in his criticism. Welsby told me that he was amazed that a trained barrister could have produced a document that was littered with as many errors as this one. He told me – and bear in mind that these are his words, not mine – that he had wiped his backside on more convincing legal documents than this. He went on to say – again, bear in mind that these are his words, not mine – that the document looked more like it had been drawn up by a trained baboon than a trained barrister. Welsby told me that in his opinion, Mr Mukolu was a disgrace to the legal profession, and that he wouldn’t trust him to draw the curtains in his office, never mind to draw up another legal document.

So Bello, seeing that Welsby is unable to take over this case on our behalf, I’m afraid it’s up to Mr Mukolu to revise the document. I suppose that’s as it should be really: after all, it’s not really fair to expect Welsby to clear up another lawyer’s mess.

Therefore, please get onto Mr Mukolu and instruct him to revise the document according to the comments I sent to you yesterday. As a trained lawyer, it shouldn’t take him that long to do. All he’s got to do is to cut some sections from the document, reword a couple more and then run a spell-check over the whole thing. It shouldn’t take him more than half an hour. If he complains, tell the man that he should have got it right in the first place.

You may like to pass on some of Welsby’s comments to Mr Mukolu. Hopefully the shame of being censured by another lawyer will spur him on to start doing his job properly at last.

Remember that I’m on holiday for a week as from this Saturday. Do you reckon Mr Mukolu will be able to get the revised document back to me by the end of play on Friday?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM NOT HAPPY WITH YOUR ATTITUDE

Sent: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 22:19:30 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

To all intent and purpose you are just slowing down the entire transaction. Apart from your direct attack on the integrity of Barrister Charles, I don’t know when you hope for us to conclude this project, and now you are talking about going on holiday. This further puts a question mark on your unwillingness to conclude this project.

You informed me earlier that the bank will send you a form and Barrister Charles confirmed that the bank has already forwarded to you the form to enable you to complete it and send it back to them so that they can release the fund, so why the delay in getting back to them and where is your sense of responsibility towards the project? I hope it’s not a terrible accident that you are involved in this transaction otherwise I don’t understand why you have an attitude towards this project. You should at least place value to time as regards this project and get back to the bank rather than flogging the issue of the memorandum of understanding.

The fund in question is coming to your account and let the percentage sharing ratio remain 70%, 25% and 5% rather than for us to be making a circuitous route towards the actualisation of this project.

Please get back to the bank and give me a further update.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: It’s Mr Mukolu who is delaying this transaction, not me!

Sent: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 10:28:28

Dear Bello,

How dare you accuse me of delaying this transaction? It’s Mr Mukolu who is delaying this transaction, not me!

It strikes me that this memorandum of understanding is extremely important. After all, we’re going to receive a huge amount of money and we need to agree how we’re going to work with each other and divide the money between ourselves before the money is transferred into my bank account, otherwise we might start to get into all sorts of disagreements over what best to do with the money. Far better to sort all this out now than to argue over it afterwards.

Have you instructed Mr Mukolu to draft a revised memorandum of understanding as I asked you to? I sincerely hope that you have done: if not, it is you who is delaying the transaction now, not me.

And let us have no more of this nonsense about me going on holiday. I have told you very clearly on a number of occasions about my holiday plans, yet each time I bring the subject up you act as if it is news to you. Have you got problems with your short-term memory or something?

I AM GOING ON HOLIDAY ON SATURDAY FOR A WEEK. GET USED TO THE IDEA.

As for the bank, they have indeed sent me a form, which I need to fill in and send back to them. I told the bank that I had a few little matters to tie up at this end (ie the memorandum of understanding) and that I would send them their form as soon as I had got everything sorted out. It is purely down to Mr Mukolu’s lack of action on this matter that I have not yet got back to the bank.

Listen Bello, all this faffing around is getting us nowhere. If we are going to complete this transaction successfully, we need to stop arguing and we need to work together as a team. I hope you agree. To get things moving as quickly as possible, I suggest that we take the following course of action:

  1. I will get back to the bank today and deal with the form that they sent me.
  2. You instruct Mr Mukolu to pull his finger out of his arse and redraft the memorandum of understanding.

I had hoped that Mr Mukolu would be able to get the redrafted memorandum of understanding to me before I go on holiday, but given the man’s obviously limited abilities, perhaps we should allow him a little more time. Tell the man that he has until the end of next week to produce a satisfactory document. I expect to have received a copy of the revised memorandum of understanding from him by the time I return from holiday.

What do you reckon, Bello? Do you agree to my suggested way forward? Get back to me immediately and let me know.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mary Stephens

Subject: A few queries about the form you sent me

Sent: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 12:10:11

Dear Ms Stephens,

Regarding the transfer of my late uncle’s millions into my own bank account, I have just been looking at the final verification form that you sent to me the other day, and I have a few queries. I’d appreciate it if you could provide me with answers so that I can complete the form and send it back to you.

Here are my queries:

  1. What should I write against “Ref No”?
  2. What should I write against “File No”?
  3. What should I write against “Contract No”?
  4. What is the “Total Sum”? I know it is somewhere around $20 million, but please advise me of the exact balance of my late uncle’s account as at today’s date, including any interest that has been added to the account.
  5. The form says “I/we do hereby authorise(s) the payment versification...”. What does the word “versification” mean? I can’t find it in any dictionary.
  6. I can see where I have to sign my name on the form, but the form asks me to “sign & stamp”. I do not have a stamp. What, therefore, should I do?

Thank you in advance for your help with these questions. Please get back to me as soon as possible so that I can return the form to you without any further delay.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you on this. Unfortunately the lawyer who is working for me on this transaction has turned out to be about as much use as a chocolate pitchfork, and his incompetence has delayed things considerably.


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO WITH BARRISTER

Sent: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 14:23:50 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response. You told me in your last mail all your feelings about Barrister Charles’ competence and I had to let him know. Your non acceptance of Barrister Charles have clearly thrown him out of the beltway of handling this project. He say that he does not wish to be in control of this project and that we should find another lawyer, particularly now that he is due on a vacation, but I will still try and convince him to still redraft the agreement.

Meanwhile get back to the bank while I sort things out with our lawyer.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: That’s more like it

Sent: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 15:10:59

Dear Bello,

Thanks for your email. Glad to hear that you agree with the way forward I suggested. That’s more like it. I feel like we’re finally starting to make some real progress here.

I’m a man of my word, so I’ve already been back in touch with the bank: I had a couple of queries for Ms Stephens about how to fill in the form she sent me. As soon as she gets back to me I’ll fill in the form and get it sent back to her.

Let me know how you get on with Mr Mukolu. I’d advise you to be firm with the man, Bello: don’t stand for any messing about. If I were you, I’d treat Mr Mukolu how I treat my farm dogs: get as much work out of him as you can, then get rid of him as soon as he’s outlived his usefulness.

Having said that, I’m not advising you to treat Mr Mukolu exactly how I treat my farm dogs; when they get too old to be of any use I shoot them in the head and bury them in a ditch. Mr Mukolu may well be a truly dreadful lawyer, but as tempting an idea as it may be, I’m not suggesting that you do that to him. There are laws against that kind of thing.

I’ll get back to you when I’ve heard more from the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: IT’S OKAY THANK YOU

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 09:31:01 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response and your ever tolerant disposition to issues. I will endeavour to heed to your advice.

I trust you to continue to keep me posted as regard the bank.

Stay healthy,

Bello Muhameed


From: Mary Stephens

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: QUERIES

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 01:15:17 -0700 (PDT)

ATTN: GILBERT A MURRAY.

Sir,

This was my last instruction to you as stated below. Complete appropriate column, the other column will be taken care of by the bank and your late uncle fund is $20 million.

What should I write against “Ref No”?... 042/bon/ped/ked/2005.

What should I write against “File No”?... f/026.

What should I write against “Contract No”?... put dash.

We already informed the Cosmospolitan Finance and Security Services in Holland about your nomination as the owner of the fund. So, be on alert should in case they contact you. If you don’t know what to tell them, just tell them to send you an email so that you can copy to me to enable me to tell you what to reply to them so that we don’t have any difficulty because they are waiting for the instruction in respect of the final verification form.

Regards,

Mary Stephens

On behalf of Managing Director, Bank of the North


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mary Stephens

Subject: You haven’t answered all of my queries

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 10:15:41

Dear Ms Stephens,

Thanks for your email, and for answering some of the queries I put to you in my last email. However, I am disappointed to see that you have not answered all of the queries I put to you.

Here are the queries that I put to you that you haven’t yet answered:

  1. The form says “I/we do hereby authorise(s) the payment versification...”. What does the word “versification” mean? I can’t find it in any dictionary.
  2. I can see where I have to sign my name on the form, but the form asks me to “sign & stamp”. I do not have a stamp. What, therefore, should I do?

Also, I have to say that I’m more than a bit surprised that the total amount of my late uncle’s fund is exactly the same as the amount he deposited in your bank way back in January 1999: $20 million. That was nearly seven years ago. Presumably that sum will have been earning interest all the time it’s been sitting in your bank vaults?

An amount that size should have been earning a good deal of interest. Even if the money was only earning interest at a very conservative rate of 5% per annum – and an amount that size should surely have been earning interest at a considerably higher rate than that – taking the effect of compound interest into account, the amount would have increased by some $8 million in the past seven years!

That means that my uncle’s fund should now be worth at least $28 million! So what’s happened to all that interest? I think you owe me an explanation, my dear lady. Just because I’m a farmer doesn’t mean that I don’t have a basic grasp of banking principles. I demand to know what’s happened to all that interest. It can’t just have disappeared into thin air, so where is it?

Please note that I am leaving for a week’s holiday tomorrow, so time is now of the essence. I’d appreciate it if you could get back to me by return with answers to my remaining queries and with an explanation of what’s happened to my late uncle’s interest so that we can make some progress before I leave for my holiday.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Could you please inform the Dutch security company of my holiday arrangements? As from tomorrow, I won’t be available until Monday 10th October, so there’s not much point in them getting in touch with me until then.


From: Mary Stephens

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD TO DO

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 06:48:34 -0700 (PDT)

ATTN: Gilbert Murray.

Sir,

I have dutifully given you the required information. If you don’t have a stamp all you have to do is to sign the document and you don’t have the authority to question the bank as regard interest or no interest. As regard your late uncle funds, the legal department of the bank have duly worked out everything.

The word versification is verification. This is an error from the printer of this document.

Should you need any further clarification call Dr Abubakar on 234-8023685573 as regard interest or no interest. You are therefore advised to complete the form and send it down to Holland and also send the copy to this office.

Regards,

Mary Stephens


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mary Stephens

Subject: Enough of your insolence

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 15:22:28

Ms Stephens,

I’ve just read your last email. How dare you tell me to “do what I am told to do”? Enough of your insolence, my girl. That’s no way to address an esteemed customer of your bank. Especially not one who is still suffering from the loss of his poor beloved uncle. I would thank you to mind your manners in the future and remember who you are talking to: in the end, it’s customers like me who pay your wages, and don’t you forget it.

You have completely failed to answer my perfectly reasonable query about what has happened to the interest that my late uncle’s money must have accrued over the past seven years.

I am obviously wasting my time talking to the monkey when I need to be talking to the organ grinder. However, my telephone is out of action at the moment, so I can’t call Dr Rimi. Therefore, please pass on my query about the interest to your boss and ask him to get back to me by email as soon as possible with a detailed explanation of what has happened to the interest. The money must have earned some interest over the past seven years, and I want to make sure that money that is rightfully mine has not been squirrelled away by some crooked bank employee.

Given the time it seems to take you to answer my emails, I imagine the chances of Dr Rimi getting back to me before the end of the day are slim. As I am going on holiday tomorrow morning, that’s unfortunate, but it can’t be helped.

I return from holiday on Monday 10th October. When I get back, I expect to find an explanatory email from Dr Rimi waiting for me in my inbox. I will send the final verification form back to you as soon as this disturbing matter of my late uncle’s interest has been cleared up – and not before.

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: A progress update

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 15:51:02

Dear Bello,

I thought I’d take a quick break from packing my suitcase ready for my holiday and send you a quick progress update.

Ms Stephens from the bank has answered all of my queries about the final verification form, which is good news. The bank just has one more question left to answer, regarding what’s happened to all of the interest that James Herbert’s money must have accrued while it’s been sitting in the bank. It probably hasn’t occurred to you, my friend, but that money’s been sitting in the bank for nearly seven years now, and I reckon it must have earned at least $8 million in interest during that time. I want to know what’s happened to it: if we’re claiming that the $20 million is mine, then the interest on that money should rightfully be mine too, but there’s no sign of it at the bank. I want to check that it’s not been siphoned off into some other account by some corrupt bank official.

Ms Stephens wasn’t a lot of use on that question, so I’ve asked her to forward my query on to Dr Rimi. He should be able to let me know what’s going on.

Unfortunately, unless the bank gets its arse into gear, it’s looking unlikely that they’ll get back to me before the end of the day, so things will have to wait until I get back from holiday. Never mind. When I get back from holiday, I expect to find a copy of the revised memorandum of understanding from Mr Mukolu and an explanation from Dr Rimi waiting for me in my inbox. Presuming I’ve have received both of those things by the time I get back, I don’t think it will take us long to complete this transaction and have the money transferred into my bank account.

I’m off to the highlands of Scotland, incidentally, for a week spent hunting, shooting and fishing. Should be marvellous. There’s more wildlife up there than you can shake a 12 bore at.

Have yourself a good week while I’m away, my friend. And remember, don’t give that useless barrister Mr Mukolu an inch.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Perry Newton

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: UNCLEARED CONSIGNMENT (FUNDS) IN YOUR FAVOUR

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 16:47:52 +0200

COSMOPOLITAN FINANCE AND SECURITY SERVICES
AMSTERDAM
THE NETHERLANDS
TEL: 31-642229128
TEL/FAX: 31-205248995
WEBSITE: www.cfssnet.org
EMAIL: perrynewton100@hotmail.com

ATTN: Gilbert Murray.

Dear Sir,

This is to inform you that we are in receipt of consignment (funds) from the Bank of the North, with you as the sole beneficiary, the content of the consignment is marked “FUNDS”. Meanwhile, the stamp duty, handling and administrative charges of the funds must be paid and an official receipt obtained, before you will be allowed to endorse the consignment (funds) release order. You are urgently required to send down the final verification form to us by fax or by email attachment.

You are therefore required to proceed to Amsterdam, the Netherlands as an official appointment has been scheduled for you on WEDNESDAY the 5TH day of OCTOBER 2005 to clear your funds from our warehouse with the followings:

  1. A valid identification proof (ie international passport or driver’s licence).
  2. The stamp duty, handling and administrative charges payable in cash prior to the signing/endorsement of the consignment (funds) release document.

However, you are to fax to this office or send an email to furnish us with your travelling schedule, so that our protocol officer will meet with you at the airport and bring you to the venue for the clearance of the consignment (funds) and also to enable the needful be put together for a hitch-free delivery of your consignment (funds).

We await your immediate response, while we thank you for your patronage and we assure you of our professional assistance always. You are advised to contact us on our service line: 31-642229128.

Best regards,

MR PERRY NEWTON

(Director of Operations)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Perry Newton

Subject: I’m just about to go on holiday

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 16:35:47

Dear Mr Newton,

Thanks for your email. Apologies if I’m a bit rushed, but I’m just about to go on holiday and I’ve got a hundred and one things to sort out. I’m sure you know what it’s like.

I’ve been dealing with some woman called Stephens from the Bank of the North. I asked her to let you know my holiday arrangements, but given that you’ve gone and made an appointment for me next Wednesday, she obviously hasn’t done so. I’m not really that surprised: she doesn’t seem to be the sharpest tool in the barn.

Anyway, as I say, I’m off on holiday now, so I won’t be able to make this appointment you’ve scheduled for me next week. On top of that, I’ve still got a little matter to sort out with the people at the bank, so all this is a little premature.

I get back from holiday on Monday 10th October. I’ll get back to you then and we can see where we’re at with everything. Presuming that the people at the bank have sorted things out to my satisfaction, we should be able to arrange another appointment then.

Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you, but it’s the bank’s fault, not mine.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANKS FOR THE UPDATE

Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 20:16:32 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response and the update. I am happy that you have received cheering news from the bank. As a matter of fact you make me laugh when you mentioned in your mail the issue of interest as regards your late uncle funds. You indeed make me laugh. You seem to have taken your legendary stubbornness to the bank.

Please at this stage of the transaction I do not want you to start raising eyebrow as regard the issue of interest. I told you that the fund transferred is $20 million, added with the accumulated interest. It has all been worked out.

As regard the copy of the revised memorandum of understanding, you will definitely get it once you come back from highlands of Scotland and please do have a nice time.

Bello Muhameed


From: Mary Stephens

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SEND THE FINAL VERIFICATION FORM

Sent: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 01:29:51 -0700 (PDT)

Attn: Gilbert A Murray,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.

Sir, I will like you to know that I am acting according to the instruction given to me by the bank and there was no need to be hostile to me. Words are most powerful drug used by mankind. Your last mail was full of so much force, precision and resonance, however I was directed to let you know by Dr Abubakar that your late uncle fund/account has been left unoperated for several years thereby making this account dormant and if you did not come up before now to make claim to this fund it will go into outright acquisition by federal government of Nigeria.

As a matter of necessity you are to complete the final verification form and send it to Cosmopolitan Finance and Security Services in Holland to enable them give you appointment in respect to the transfer of fund and also ensure that this office receive a copy of the form for our record purposes.

Regards,

Mary Uche Stephens

On behalf of Dr Abubakar Rimi


From: Perry Newton

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I’m just about to go on holiday

Sent: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 12:04:35 +0200

Thank you very much for your message. Please finalise your arrangement and get back to us.

Kind regards,

MR PERRY NEWTON


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WELCOME BACK

Sent: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 10:16:04 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today together with your family? I just wanted to know how the vacation was like and if you did have a fulfilled time out there and to further know if you are back.

Please endeavour to get back to me as soon as you receive this mail.

I remain your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I’m back

Sent: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 11:21:33

Dear Bello,

As you can see, I’m back from my holiday. We had a wonderful time. Scotland’s a great place, especially if you’re a shooter. There’s just so much wildlife – everywhere you look, there’s a new target – so it was a great opportunity to try out the new shotgun I bought at the game fair last month. Would you believe it, I even managed to bag a pair of golden eagles? And they’re rare, let me tell you. Apparently this was one of the few breeding pairs left in the west of Scotland. They’ll look fine when I’ve had them stuffed and mounted and set in a case in the study.

Anyway, back to business. That Stephens woman still hasn’t got back to me with a decent explanation about what’s happened to James Herbert’s interest, and I notice that Mr Mukolu still hasn’t sent me a revised memorandum of understanding. The man’s had over a week now to sort that out, so I assume it must be ready for me to review by now. Get the man to send it on immediately so that we can make some progress, will you, and I’ll get onto Ms Stephens and ask her to answer my question once and for all.

I’ve been contacted by some chap over in Holland who wants me to go over there and finalise everything. I’ve told him that there are a couple of things that we need to sort out at this end, and that we can make arrangements once all that’s been done and dusted. We’re just waiting for Mr Mukolu and Ms Stephens now. I hope they don’t delay things any longer.

Get back to me with the revised memorandum of understanding, won’t you?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mary Stephens

Subject: Answer my question, for heaven’s sake!

Sent: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 11:23:41

Ms Stephens,

I see to my dismay that you have still not answered the question that I have put to you on numerous occasions.

You obviously do not understand the question. Otherwise, you would have answered it. I will put the question to you again, one last time, in plain simple English so that even you can understand it.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LATE UNCLE’S INTEREST?

If his money wasn’t going to earn interest, there would have been no point in my late uncle depositing it in your bank. He may as well have dug a hole in the ground and buried it... which is what I would be tempted to do with you right now if I were dealing with you in person.

Kindly get back to me immediately with a decent explanation of where my late uncle’s interest is. You are delaying this transaction, my dear lady, and I am growing tired of your intransigence.

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU ARE WELCOME BACK

Sent: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 19:25:34 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response. I am happy to hear from you and that everything went well as regard your vacation.

Barrister Charles already prepared the revised memorandum of understanding, I will inform him that you are already back from your trip to enable him to contact you.

Please at this point try and comply with the directive of the bank. My instruction to you in my last mail lately before you travelled was very simple and straightforward. There is no need flogging the issue with Mary Stephens or anybody in the bank. I have told you right from the very first time that I contacted you that the money in question to be transferred is $20 million.

I have come to understand all through my dealing with people that the certain amount of trial and error is indeed inevitable and that I cannot direct peoples’ behaviours with the speed and effectiveness with which I control my own result in life. This has always been a known fact. Please my good friend, let us avoid this duplicity of behaviour, particularly now that your have been contacted by some chaps in Holland as indicated in Holland.

I will get the lawyer to forward the memorandum of understanding, but please complete and send the verification form to the bank immediately.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I will take your advice

Sent: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 09:17:39

Dear Bello,

Thanks for your email. I suppose you know what you’re doing, but I have to say that it galls me to think that some criminal at the bank must have pocketed all of the interest that this James Herbert’s money must have accumulated over the years. No doubt some crooked bastard at the bank – perhaps even Ms Stephens herself – has siphoned off the interest into their own bank account and is now living the life of Riley.

Can’t you see why I’m so annoyed, Bello? If we’re claiming that the contents of James Herbert’s bank account are rightfully ours, then we should be entitled to all of the interest too. It’s not that I’m being greedy – well, not that greedy – but I just want what’s rightfully mine. Even though none of the money is actually rightfully mine... but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I’m sure you know what you’re doing, so I’ll take your advice and stop hounding Ms Stephens over the matter of the interest.

As soon as Mr Mukolu sends me a revised memorandum of understanding and I’ve made sure that I’m happy with the small print, I’ll fill in that verification form and get it back to the bank.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN

Sent: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 10:52:02 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response and thank you for your understanding. I want you to know that I have one principle about life. I have often taken the challenges of life with vigour, humour, patience and with great strength, I do not allow anything to bring me down, so let us leave the issue of interest.

Barrister Charles will contact you and if you don’t like the revised memorandum that will be sent to you, please do not hesitate to let me know, and let me know once you hear from him.

Stay healthy.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WILL GET BACK TO YOU ONCE I RECEIVE IT

Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 10:17:45 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today? I am hoping that you are just fine.

Barrister Charles informed me that he has been trying to send the memorandum of understanding since yesterday, but he has been unable to send it due to the problem he is having with his system.

I therefore requested that he forward the diskette to me, to enable me to send the vital document to you. Bearing in mind that value has to be placed on time, I don’t want any further delay.

I will send it to you once I receive it, I just wanted to let you know what’s happening and why the delay.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Not another delay from Mr Mukolu!

Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 09:45:48

Dear Bello,

Thanks for your email. Another delay from Mr Mukolu, you say? Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. That chap’s introduced nothing but delays into this whole business right from the word go.

You say he’s having problems with his system. Do you mean his computer system or his mental system? Neither would surprise me.

Oh well, I’ll just wait to receive the document from you. Hopefully Mr Mukolu will be able to manage to save it onto a disk without any further cock-ups. The last thing we need right now is another delay.

Let me know how you get on. I expect to receive a copy of the document later today.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: AGREEMENT ATTACHED

Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 12:50:16 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

I am sorry all the same for the delay. Barrister Charles is actually having a problem with his computer.

Attached in this mail is a copy of the memorandum of understanding prepared by the barrister. Please any complaints should be forwarded to me.

At this point I wish to let you know that so much money has been spent by me to see this transaction to this stage and therefore I want you to get back to the bank and equally treat the form sent to you by the bank with the seriousness it deserves.

Most importantly once the form has been sent to the bank, make sure you let me know.

Please I wait your urgent response.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed

The second draft of the memorandum of understanding
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I’ll look through the form later today

Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 12:20:54

Dear Bello,

Thanks for sending through the revised memorandum of understanding. I’ve got to head off into town right now to buy some fertiliser, but when I get back I’ll give it a good read through and check that Mr Mukolu has made all the necessary revisions.

Don’t worry about that form that the bank sent me, by the way. Rest assured that I have every intention of treating that form with all the seriousness it deserves.

I’ll get back to you later.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: The memorandum of understanding

Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 14:45:11

Dear Bello,

I’ve just got back from town. I had an idea before I left: I printed off a copy of the memorandum of understanding and took it with me into town, and when I’d bought the fertiliser I popped my head around Welsby’s door to get his professional opinion on the revised document.

I’ll tell you what, Bellow, it’s a good job I did, too. While I’m more than willing to give Mr Mukolu his due and admit that this is an improvement on the first draft – he’s managed to spell your name right this time for a start – Welsby pointed out that the document still contains an alarming number of errors.

It’s probably easiest if I go through the errors that Welsby pointed out one by one:

The initial paragraph

The full-stop after the word “Nigeria” in this paragraph needs to be replaced by a comma, otherwise it doesn’t make any sense.

The sentence before point 1

The word “hereby” needs to be followed by the word “it”. The full-stop at the end of the sentence needs to be replaced by a colon.

Point 1

The words “Has agreed” need to be replaced by the words “Have agreed”. The words “carry on” need to be replaced by the words “carry out”. The word “receive” needs to be replaced by the word “received”.

Point 2

The word “entitle” needs to be replaced by the word “entitled”. The word “have” needs to be replaced by the word “having”.

Point 3

The words “have due privilege” need to be replaced by the words “has due privilege”. The word “cost” needs to be replaced by the word “costs”. The document needs to state precisely (ie using dates) which period it means when it uses the words “this period”. The document needs to make it crystal clear from whose share of the money the 5% allowable for expenses is being “set aside”.

Point 4

The word “save” needs to be replaced by the word “saved”. The phrase “including the expenses worth” does not make any sense whatsoever and therefore needs to be rephrased (see the above point about needing to be precise about where the 5% is being set aside from).

Point 5

This point is entirely pointless (if you will excuse the tautology) as it describes nothing specific that could be contested or defended in a court of law. Therefore, Mr Mukolu should strike this point from the document.

Point 6

This point needs to be closed with a full-stop.

Final paragraph

The word “duplicate” needs to be replaced by the word “duplicated”.

Welsby pointed to me that any one of these errors, if left uncorrected, would be enough to make this document completely inadmissable in a court of law. He explained that unless all of these errors are corrected, the document is about as much use as a roll of chocolate toilet paper.

Incidentially, Welsby also picked up on a large number of typographical errors, but fortunately for Mr Mukolu, while these make the document look scrappy and untidy, they are apparently not serious enough to invalidate the document.

Naturally, I was extremely disappointed to see that this latest version of the memorandum of understanding still isn’t up to scratch. However, the good news seems to be that we’re getting there, my friend. All Mr Mukolu needs to do is to produce a third draft of the document, incorporating all of Welsby’s edits, and we will be in a position to move forward.

None of the edits seem particularly onerous, so it shouldn’t take Mr Mukolu long to produce the final draft. Could you get onto him right away and ask him to redraft the document immediately, and send me a copy as soon as it’s ready? Do you reckon he’ll be able to get the final draft to us by tomorrow, my friend?

I look forward to hearing back from you. I’m off now to shoot a few pigeons, just for the hell of it.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THE CORRECTION WILL BE DONE

Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 17:10:55 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you once again for your mail. I will get Barrister Charles to effect the necessary corrections, I will print out the details you sent to me along with the diskette to enable him to see the mistake.

All the same, many thanks to Welsby for pointing out the error.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I look forward to receiving the final draft

Sent: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 16:57:18

Dear Bello,

Good show, my friend. I look forward to receiving the final draft of the memorandum of understanding. Provided that Mr Mukolu manages to keep his hands off the gin while he’s drafting it, we should be in a position to make some serious progress tomorrow.

By the way, I forgot to ask you something in my last email. Welsby commented on the surprisingly large number of errors that Mr Mukolu’s documents contain, and he was wondering where Mr Mukolu obtained his qualifications. Welsby wondered whether Mr Mukolu had studied for his certificate of law in Lagos, Abuja or some other large Nigerian city... or whether he had simply found it on the back seat of a bus.

You must excuse Welsby’s sarcasm, my friend. It’s just that he really doesn’t approve of people bringing the good name of the legal profession into disrepute, and he expects all other lawyers to live up to his own exacting standards. Mr Mukolu could learn a lot from him.

Anyway, get back to me when you have what will hopefully be the final draft.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE CONTACT THE BANK

Sent: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 10:01:41 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response. You have spoken the truth about the memorandum of understanding prepared earlier by Barrister Charles and I agree with you, there is no doubt that anyone who does not buy the truth will lose every battle he or she fights with the truth. I promise you that the barrister will make appropriate corrections as regard this document.

However my argument now is based on the fact that we should at least move forward and you have collaborated so much after going through the memorandum of understanding that there’s an improvement aside from the error made and now that you have a general picture of what is contained in the agreement, it’s only just appropriate for you to get back to the bank.

You know that as regard this document (memorandum of understanding) the faintest ink is better than the best brain. At least you can see the content of the agreement quite different from when you don’t see at all or you don’t know the detail from day one.

I want you to know that if you abandon the high ideal of this project for benefit of provincial cubicles, this invariably makes you also guilty of the whole exercise. If only you will give me your sympathetic ear by forwarding the form to the bank while we await the redraft of memorandum of understanding by the lawyer.

This is a project that has already begun, but you will also agree with me that winning starts by beginning. Therefore as your partner try and do my bidding for now to enable us to move forward.

Stay healthy.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I’ve had a terrible morning

Sent: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 12:27:41

Dear Bello,

I’ve had a terrible morning, my friend. I’ve had the police round and I’ve been answering their questions all morning!

Would you believe it, some bloody do-gooder up in Scotland reported to the police that I’d shot that pair of golden eagles I told you about the other day. Apparently they’re an “endangered species” whatever that means. Load of bloody nonsense if you ask me. Anyway, two police officers – Detective Inspector Isla Skye and Constable Colin Hills – drove all the way down from Scotland to interview me over the matter.

It’s all a waste of bloody time if you ask me. I mean, the birds are dead now, so there’s precious little they can do to bring them back, is there? They took everything very seriously though. They’ve told me that I might be prosecuted and that I could even get a prison sentence for shooting those two damn birds!

Worse still, they took away the corpses as evidence. I’ll have to cancel the order I made yesterday for a display case now. It’s all very irritating, I can tell you. They left about half an hour ago, warning me not to leave the country and telling me that they’d be in touch. Bastards.

Anyway, enough of my problems. Back to business. I couldn’t agree more with what you said in your email, even though I have to admit that I didn’t understand all of it – what on earth are you on about, talking about “provincial cubicles”? So I’ll do as you suggest and get that form back to the bank as soon as Mr Mukolu has sent me the revised draft of the memorandum of understanding.

I’m off into town this afternoon to talk to Welsby about this golden eagle business. I’ll see if there’s anything he can suggest to get me off the charges that the police are threatening me with. I’m sure he’ll be able to come up with something: they don’t call him “two-brains Welsby” for nothing. Well, they don’t call him “two-brains Welsby” at all actually, but that’s neither here nor there. They bloody well should do.

Hopefully Mr Mukolu will have forwarded on the final draft of that document by the time I get back. Tell him to get a move on, will you?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SORRY ABOUT THE MORNING

Sent: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 15:00:10 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response. If you have killed an animal and this contravenes the laws of your land, you were careless, you shouldn’t have done that.

However try and sort out things with the law enforcing officer.

Please once again send the form to the bank. I already told you that Barrister Charles is already working on the draft. The bank will not communicate with you until they receive further response from you as the beneficiary of the fund.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Welsby has advised me to seek Mr Mukolu’s advice

Sent: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 17:10:03

Dear Bello,

I’ve just got back from Welsby’s office. I have to say that things look grim. According to Welsby, golden eagles have the highest protection afforded to any wildlife in the UK, and shooting a breeding pair of such a rare bird is an extremely serious offence. Welsby reckons I could get six months in jail for this!

Welsby admitted that he doesn’t know an awful lot about the laws regarding the protection of wildlife. To my amazement, he actually suggested that I should contact Mr Mukolu and ask him for his advice. Welsby reckoned that although Mr Mukolu is about as good at drafting legal documents as a trout is at tap-dancing, he might know more about the laws regarding wild animals, given that he’s based in Africa, where wild animals presumably abound. From what I’ve read about Africa, there must be lions, tigers and all sorts of ferocious beasts wandering around all over the place, so presumably Mr Mukolu will have dealt with similar cases in the past.

I’ve decided to take Welsby’s advice. I’ll get straight onto Mr Mukolu and see if he can help me out. I have to tell you, my friend, I’m seriously worried about this. I don’t want to go to jail.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Charles Mukolu; Cc: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I’d appreciate your advice

Sent: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 17:14:30

Dear Mr Mukolu,

I know you’re probably very busy right now working on the final draft of that memorandum of understanding, but something urgent’s come up and I need your advice.

On my recent holiday to the highlands of Scotland, I shot a breeding pair of golden eagles. I was planning to have them stuffed and displayed in a case in my lounge, but I’ve since found out that they’re rarer than rocking horse shit. To cut a long story short, some nosey bugger has reported me to the police and they’re threatening to prosecute me for shooting two extremely rare birds that are apparently protected under the law. I could even go to jail.

I’ve consulted my own lawyer, Welsby, but he doesn’t know an awful lot about the laws surrounding endangered species, and he reckoned I should ask for your advice. Welsby reckoned that seeing as you’re based in Africa, you’ll probably have come across loads of cases like this, with people shooting lions, tigers, wildebeest, leopards and the like.

So, Mr Mukolu, what would you advise me to do? What defence do you usually put up when you represent clients who’ve been accused of similar things?

I need your advice, Mr Mukolu, and I need it now. The police are going to get back to me in the next day or so, so I need to construct a watertight defence – an alibi, if you like – that will satisfy them and prevent them from prosecuting me.

Please get back to me as soon as you can. I’m desperate, Mr Mukolu. I don’t want to go to jail. I need your help.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. How is the final draft of that memorandum of understanding coming along? This business about the eagles may be urgent, but don’t let it hold you up any longer than is absolutely necessary; I need that document urgently too.


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: AGREEMENT ATTACHED

Sent: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 18:40:39 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response. The issue regarding the case of shooting an eagle will be solely left to you and Barrister Charles, so whatever advice he can offer you should be directed to him.

However this is the third draft of the memorandum of understanding for your perusal. I just received this from the barrister.

So check the attached document.

Bello Muhameed

The third draft of the memorandum of understanding
(Click to enlarge)


From: Perry Newton

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I’m just about to go on holiday

Sent: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 19:26:27 +0200

I am sure you must be back from your holiday. Please give us an update as to when you will be able to come down to lay claims consignment (funds).

Kind regards,

MR PERRY NEWTON


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I’ll see if Welsby’s happy with this draft

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 09:58:27

Dear Bello,

Thanks for sending me the third draft of the memorandum of understanding. I only hope that Mr Mukolu is as obliging when it comes to the matter of the golden eagles I shot. I still haven’t heard from him about that. I can only presume that he’s busy searching through his legal textbooks for details of similar cases to improve his background knowledge of that kind of thing.

As I’m not a man of the law myself, I’m going to pop into town and run this latest draft past Welsby to make sure that he’s happy with it. I’ve got to go into town and pick up a new part for my big red tractor anyway.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I return with Welsby’s verdict on the document. Fingers crossed that this one will be OK.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Perry Newton

Subject: An update on the current state of play

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 10:02:35

Dear Mr Newton,

Thanks for your email. I am indeed back from holiday and I must apologise for not having got back to you earlier. There are still a couple of little things to sort out at this end, but I’m confident that everything should be done and dusted by early next week.

I’ll get back to you next week, when we should be able to make arrangements for the transfer of the money.

Have a good weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Charles Mukolu

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I CANNOT ADVISE ON THAT

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 05:17:36 -0400 (EDT)

CHARLES MUKOLU & ASSOCIATE
10 MONOLEY STREET
LAGOS
NIGERIA
TEL: 234-8042657266
FAX: 234-92722558
EMAIL: b_charles@myway.com

ATTN: GILBERT,

Honestly, this case of yours is the first one that looks like a child’s play to me.

My operational procedures doesn’t allow me to give clients concessions at times but I took the risk of giving you a kind of preferential treatment and this is really giving me pains as it turned-out to become an empty and childish arrangement. I do not have the mandate to advise you on domestic matters, so find someone else to take care of that.

Mr Bello and your attitude towards this project shows abuse of privilege from you people and it seems you neither appreciate me nor understand that my reputation is at stake and my credibility, simply because I offered to assist you to get your transaction smoothly concluded. It shouldn’t make me lose my head and I can no longer rely on this childish approach to issues.

I am making up my mind to withdraw from handling the release of your payment and will inform Mr Perry Newton about my intention. I would see what will becomes of it, if Cosmopolitan Finance and Security Services are going to wait till eternity for them to hear from you. I told you in my last mail to contact the Bank of the North so that as soon as the completed final verification form is received your fund can be arranged and sent to you and up till now I am writing you there’s no response from your end. I called the finance house this morning and I was told that you have been advised accordingly.

It’s quite unfortunate that I have to sound rude this time around but it’s only to express how bad my feelings are due to what the delays are causing me, so that we can move ahead and conclude this project, but it’s all coming back to me because I can no longer travel out of the country for other defence and negotiation, even for my annual vacation, just because I have been waiting for you and Mr Bello.

Anyway, I can no longer be crying more than the bereaved, so if you want me to withdraw my service and get back my one thousand for my personal use, if you cannot decide on the next realistic step to be taken before the close of business today.

I see it as an opportunity which might only come once in a lifetime. Therefore, I cannot be so stupid as to be wasting my time and efforts caused by these delays and excuses.

Have a good day!

Regards,

BARRISTER CHARLES MUKOLU


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU ARE SLOWING DOWN THE PROJECT

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 12:10:54 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail. I wish I knew why you are acting like this. You are simply slowing down this transaction. If only you can give me only one reason for this action, maybe I can understand.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Charles Mukolu; Cc: Bello Muhameed

Subject: How dare you be so rude to one of your esteemed clients?

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 11:22:27

Mr Mukolu,

I am in receipt of your exceedingly insolent email. How dare you be so rude to one of your clients? Where are your manners, man?

You are complaining about delays. Well the way I see things, all of the delays we have experienced so far in this transaction have been down to you, not Mr Bello and I. If you were a half-decent lawyer you would have drawn up a proper legal agreement in the first place, rather than that half-baked drivel you initially came up with, and we could have saved ourselves a lot of time and trouble. You should be thanking me for getting my own lawyer involved: someone with a proper grasp of the law, who is willing and able to point out your numerous mistakes and guide you in the right direction.

Talking about the memorandum of understanding, I popped into town this morning and showed your third draft to Welsby. He thinks that it is a considerable improvement, but he noted that you have omitted to deal with two of his most important comments, namely:

Point 3

The document needs to state precisely which period it means when it uses the words “this period”. The phrase “this period” is so imprecise as to be absolutely meaningless. Welsby has suggested that the phrase “this period” should be replaced by the phrase “as a direct result of carrying out this transaction”.

Point 4

The phrase “including the expenses worth” still does not make any sense whatsoever and therefore needs to be rephrased. Welsby and I don’t have the first idea what this means, and according to Welsby, neither would a judge in a court of law. You need to replace this phrase with clear and precise wording that conveys exactly what you are trying to get across.

Although I am of course extremely disappointed that you have still not managed to produce a document of the required standard, Welsby assures me that once you have addressed these two remaining issues, the document will be acceptable and will stand up in a court of law. Therefore, please make these two final remaining amendments, and get the revised document back to Mr Bello and I by return so that I can get back to the bank and move things forward.

And let us have no more complaints about delays. The sooner you address Welsby’s comments and produce a workable memorandum of understanding, the sooner Mr Bello and I can move forward and conclude this transaction. If you can get the final draft of the document back to us by the end of today, we can get things moving again. You are holding things up here, Mr Mukolu. Do you understand?

I suggest that you take a long, hard look at your attitude towards this project. This is not the time for running around moaning like a spoiled child, Mr Mukolu; this is the time for ACTION. Kindly take some.

I expect to receive the final draft of the memorandum of understanding from you by the end of the day. And let’s have no more of your insolence.

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Mr Mukolu is delaying things, not me!

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 11:29:54

Dear Bello,

Mr Mukolu is delaying this transaction, not me! I am growing increasingly irritated by the delays that his legal laxity is causing us. As you will have seen by the email I have just sent him, he neglected to deal with two of Welsby’s comments in his latest draft of the memorandum of understanding, so we now need yet another draft to be produced! This is not my fault, my friend, it’s Mr Mukolu’s!

I suggest you have a talk to Mr Mukolu and make sure that he is aware of exactly how much his ineptitude is delaying us in this transaction. All he needs to do now is to address Welsby’s two final points, and we will have a workable document. If only he had done this yesterday, we would be in a position to move forward now.

Please, Bello, do whatever you can to get Mr Mukolu to work on the two remaining issues and produce a final draft that will stand up in a court of law. As we have agreed, then, and only then, can we move forward.

The bank and the people in Holland must be wondering what the hell is going on right now, with all these delays. Give Mr Mukolu a kick up the arse for me and get him to work.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WILL TRY MY BEST

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 14:49:51 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response. I will try and see if I can convince Barrister Charles to have him redraft the memorandum of understanding, although I called him earlier when I received your mail, I pointed out to him areas that needed to be amended but his response was that I should please find another lawyer.

Things are bound to go wrong, but the challenge is for us to manage those things to ensure that they are neither costly or damaging.

I have often reminded you that all you needed to do is a little bit of persuasion to get people to do what you want them to do rather than engaging in conquest.

I read through the barrister’s mail and I told him when he called me that he shouldn’t have communicated to you in that manner. There was no sense of humour at all in the mail that he wrote to you and I actually made him to understand that he lacks the vital ingredient to communicate.

However I believe that my amiable friend has been able to settle with the police authority in your country over the issue of dead eagles.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Let’s hope that Mr Mukolu sees sense

Sent: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 14:33:08

Dear Bello,

Thanks for your email. Let’s hope that Mr Mukolu sees sense and agrees to redraft the memorandum of understanding one final time. Then – hopefully – we need have no more to do with the man.

I don’t mind telling you, Bello, I’m sick and tired of dealing with Mr Mukolu. I’ve never come across a lawyer like him before. He seems to have to be told everything twice before he understands it. And even then he still manages to mess things up. And this morning’s email was the last straw: I’ve never been so insulted in my life. The man needs to learn how to show some respect to his clients. If that’s the way he goes on, it’s a wonder he’s got any clients at all.

Anyway, once he makes these final two revisions to the document – revisions that he should have made yesterday anyway – we should be in a position where I can get that form sent off to the bank and make whatever arrangements are necessary with the security company. With any luck, the money will be safely in my account by the end of next week.

I have to tell you, my friend, I really don’t know what to do about this business over the two dead eagles. I’m seriously worried about the possibility of going to jail over this affair. The least Mr Mukolu could have done was to offer me the benefit of his legal knowledge on the subject. I think I’m going to have to plead self-defence if the police prosecute me over this matter: I’ll tell them that the eagles were attacking me and that the only thing I could do to save myself was to blast them out of the sky with my shotgun. I just hope that the judge isn’t an animal lover. If he is, I’m stuffed... much like the eagles were going to be.

Do have a good weekend, my friend. Hopefully you’ll manage to get Mr Mukolu to calm down and fulfill his obligation towards us before the end of the day.

I shall wait to hear from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THE FOURTH DRAFT FOR YOUR VIEW

Sent: Sat, 15 Oct 2005 09:37:05 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today together with your entire family? I am hoping that everyone around you is OK.

However, this is the fourth draft of the memorandum of understanding for your perusal, I just received this from the barrister.

I sincerely apologise once again for the attitude of the lawyer and I still made him to understand that he has an attitude.

Finally I don’t know what I can do for you concerning the case you have with the authority down there as regards the eagle, but be rest assured the whole thing will be in your favour. I want you to know that you are invaluable to me right now and I cannot do but to continue to pray for you over this case.

So check the attached document.

Bello Muhameed

The fourth draft of the memorandum of understanding
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: What the hell is Mr Mukolu playing at?

Sent: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 09:45:20

Dear Bello,

What the hell is Mr Mukolu playing at? Congratulations to you for getting the man to produce a fourth draft of this memorandum of understanding, but have you taken a look at it? Mr Mukolu may well have finally implemented all of Welsby’s edits, but the man’s managed to spell your name incorrectly on the document, and not once but THREE TIMES!

Is the man blind? Or stupid? Or both? How a trained lawyer can make such a crass and glaring error on a legal document such as this – and on the fourth draft of the document, no less – is completely beyond me!

Is Mr Mukolu doing this deliberately to annoy me? Or does he have some ulterior motive for delaying this transaction? I am at a complete loss to explain his inexcusable behaviour. The fact that your name is spelled incorrectly in this document renders it completely invalid. Therefore, unbelievably, Mr Mukolu will have to produce yet another draft before we can move forward.

I can’t tell you how angry I am right now, Bello. I am livid. Believe me, if Mr Mukolu was standing here in front of me right now, I’d take my bloody horse whip to his scabby backside. Do you have a horse whip? If you do, I suggest you use it to teach Mr Mukolu a lesson in what happens to lawyers who can’t draw up legal documents without making one stupid bloody mistake after another.

Please instruct Mr Mukolu to produce a fifth draft AT ONCE, and to send it on as soon as it is ready. And there had better be no mistakes in the document this time, otherwise I’ll be getting on a plane and flying over to Nigeria to knock some sense into Mr Mukolu personally. And you can tell him that from me.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Presumably Mr Mukolu employs someone to clean the toilets in his office. Why don’t they swap jobs for the day so that the office cleaner can have a go at producing the final draft? He couldn’t possibly do worse than Mr Mukolu, and he may well do better.


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WILL SEND IT BACK TO THE BARRISTER

Sent: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 11:23:55 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response.

Well I am surprised that this is happening again. I will get back to the barrister to effect the change.

Thank you,

Bello Muhameed


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SORRY ONCE AGAIN FOR THE LAWYER’S EXCESSES

Sent: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 21:26:13 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

How are you? I have forwarded the memorandum of understanding to the barrister for yet another correction. I am sincerely sorry for Barrister Charles’ undue excesses, he actually got me confused and confounded.

However I will get the document sent to you tomorrow as soon as I receive it.

My regards to everybody around you.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Mr Mukolu had better not make any more mistakes

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 08:53:11

Dear Bello,

I look forward to receiving what will hopefully be the final draft of the document from you today. There had better be no mistakes in it this time.

I have to say, Bello, I was in a foul mood yesterday after receiving that useless document from Mr Mukolu. I managed to calm myself down by getting out my favourite shotgun and going out onto the farm to shoot rabbits.

As I took aim at each rabbit and pulled the trigger, I imagined that I was in fact aiming and firing at Mr Mukolu’s no doubt corpulent backside. That improved my mood immensely. If there are any mistakes in the next draft of this document, Mr Mukolu had better watch his back.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I haven’t heard anything else from the police as yet regarding the golden eagles. With any luck they’ll have decided not to prosecute me. Fingers crossed.


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I WILL GET BACK TO YOU, SORRY ABOUT THE LAWYER

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 10:13:30 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today together with your family? I am hoping that everyone around you is fine.

The pain and agony that came with the lawyer’s behaviour were irksome and unimaginable and there’s no doubt that my quiver of patience is fast going out of string.

Be rest assured that I am a man who do justice to all manner of people irrespective of their tribe, religion or status. The way I have piloted the affairs of this transaction is a pointer to this assertion.

I will make sure that I send you the memorandum of understanding as soon as the lawyer forwards it to me. I have seen that you are fixated to completing this project with me. You have proved to me that you want to see the way to the end of this transaction.

Finally, I am sorry for the lawyer’s attitude.

I remain your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Charles Mukolu

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: AGREEMENT

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 03:53:01 -0400 (EDT)

CHARLES MUKOLU & ASSOCIATE
10 MONOLEY STREET
LAGOS
NIGERIA
TEL: 234-8042657266
FAX: 234-92722558
EMAIL: b_charles@myway.com

ATTN: GILBERT MURRAY,

Your over multiplication of words and attitude has informed all this delay.

Attached in this mail is the copy of memorandum of understanding.

Barrister Charles Mukolu

The fifth draft of the memorandum of understanding
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Charles Mukolu; Cc: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Let us hope this really is the final draft

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 10:03:27

Mr Mukolu,

I am in receipt of the fifth draft of the memorandum of understanding. Let us hope for your sake that this really is the final draft: if this document contains any further mistakes, I will be a very unhappy man indeed.

Although the document looks OK to me at first glance, I think I’d better run it past Welsby first, just to be on the safe side. Given your past woeful performance in this matter, there could still be hidden errors lurking within the text of the document. If there are, Welsby will be able to spot them right away.

I am going into town this morning, as it happens – Mrs Murray needs a new pair of wellington boots – so I will pop into Welsby’s office while I am there. Hopefully you’ll have done your job properly at last and I won’t need to ask you to produce a sixth draft of the document. We shall see.

Incidentally, Mr Mukolu, it is not my “over multiplication of words and attitude” as you so charmlessly put it that have delayed this project; on the contrary, your crashing incompetence and your sheer unprofessionalism have been the cause of all of our delays.

I suggest that you take a long hard look at the lamentable way in which you’ve performed in this transaction, and that you reconsider whether you are really suited to a career in the legal profession. In my opinion, you would be better off in a job that more closely matches your particular talents (such as they are). For example, there must be thousands upon thousands of goats out there that are crying out for a goatherd.

I will get back to you as soon as I return from town with Welsby’s verdict.

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed; Cc: Charles Mukolu

Subject: Marvellous news from Welsby!

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 14:56:48

Dear Bello,

Marvellous news from Welsby, my friend! Having scrutinised Mr Mukolu’s latest draft of the memorandum of understanding, he has finally pronounced the document to be fit for purpose!

According to Welsby, the document still contains a number of grammatical errors and points towards a grasp of the English language of which a four-year old child would be ashamed, but he assures me that the document is finally just about good enough to stand up in a court of law.

I am sure you’ll agree that this is excellent news: it means that we can finally move forward with this business.

So Bello, now that we have an agreement to work with, where do we go from here?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS YOU CAN

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 15:57:23 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail.

Get back to me as soon as you can.

Regards,

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Re: GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS YOU CAN

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 15:10:33

Dear Bello,

Is this soon enough?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Charles Mukolu

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THIS MAIL IS NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR MR BELLO

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 11:31:56 -0400 (EDT)

CHARLES MUKOLU & ASSOCIATE
10 MONOLEY STREET
LAGOS
NIGERIA
TEL: 234-8042657266
FAX: 234-92722558
EMAIL: b_charles@myway.com

ATTN: Gilbert Murray,

This is mail is meant for Mr Bello and not for me.

But if I may answer in response to this mail, you are to forward the final verification form to Dr Abubakar Rimi (Bank of the North) and you are to contact the finance company in Holland to enable you to receive your late uncle’s fund.

Yours in service,

Barrister Charles Mukolu


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Charles Mukolu

Subject: Re: THIS MAIL IS NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR MR BELLO

Sent: Tue, 18 Oct 2005 17:08:39

Mr Mukolu,

I am perfectly aware that the email you’re referring to was meant for my friend Bello. If you’d read the email more carefully – as I’d have expected any lawyer worth his salt to have done – you’d have seen that the email wasn’t actually addressed to you; it was addressed to Mr Muhameed.

I merely sent you a copy of the email out of courtesy to let you know that you’d finally managed to produce a memorandum of understanding that would stand up in a court of law.

Regarding your answer to my email, I think I’d rather wait for my friend Bello to get back to me and tell me what to do next. Given the pitiful standard of your performance so far in this transaction, I place about as much trust in your advice as I would in a chocolate condom.

Gilbert Murray


From: Charles Mukolu

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM

Sent: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 04:08:44 -0400 (EDT)

ATTN: GILBERT,

Thank you for your mail.

As you wish, whatever you like you do, it’s your late uncle fund, if you like you receive it, if like don’t receive it.

Barrister Charles Mukolu


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: REPLY TO THIS BOX

Sent: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 11:01:40 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today? Please I haven’t received the memorandum of understanding, please endeavour to get back to the bank as regard the form you have.

Let further communication come through this box. My previous box, someone in the bank is trying to get into this box, so do not correspond me through that box again.

I wait for your response immediately.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I’ll complete the bank’s form later today

Sent: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 10:18:22

Dear Bello,

Thanks for your email. Having trouble with your email addresses are you? Then you might not have got some of the emails I sent you yesterday. Just in case you didn’t, I can tell you that Welsby’s given his seal of approval to the final draft of the memorandum of understanding that Mr Mukolu came up with, so that’s good news.

I’m in a bit of a rush today – I’m off to market, so I’ll be gone for most of the day – but I’ll see what I can do about filling in that form for the bank when I get back.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I’m just about to send off that form to the bank

Sent: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 09:31:47

Dear Bello,

A quick status update. I’ve filled in the bank’s final verification form, and I’m just about to send it off to Ms Stephens. I’ll keep you up to date with what’s happening.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mary Stephens

Subject: The completed final verification form

Sent: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 09:33:17

Dear Ms Stephens,

Please find attached a scanned copy of the final verification form that you sent me. Sorry it took so long to get it back to you, but I’ve had problems with my useless lawyer and he’s delayed things considerably. Please get back to me as soon as you receive the form and let me know if I’ve filled it in correctly.

So, now that’s all done and dusted, what’s the next step? Are you going to contact the people in Holland or shall I?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

The completed final verification form
(Click to enlarge)


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SEND THE FORM

Sent: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 10:34:22 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today? I don’t know how you are perceiving this transaction, let me know if you have contacted the bank. I have constantly asked myself that I do hope it’s uncontroversial that Gilbert Murray is this enterprise.

Please do think about it analytically. Do you think we are moving ahead at all? Barrister Charles told me that the bank has given you unquestioned instructions to carry out. He told me you were to send the form to the bank and that the correspondence in Holland has given you instructions but that you are yet to get to them.

Please, enough of this bantering back and forth. We have dickered on this issue enough. Try and get back to these people as instructed and also let me know once this is done to enable us to receive this fund.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: I think our emails must have crossed in the post

Sent: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 09:41:03

Dear Bello,

I think our emails must have crossed in the post, as it were. As you will now be aware, I have just sent the form to the bank.

Regarding the comments you made in your email, if anyone has “dickered” about, it has been that useless lawyer you employed, Mr Mukolu. I just hope we won’t need to have anything else to do with him now that he’s finally managed to produce a workable memorandum of understanding.

I’ll let you know when I hear back from the bank. Don’t worry, Bello, it won’t be long before we get our hands on that money. I’ve got a good feeling about it.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Mary Stephens

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: MARY STEPHENS

Sent: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 07:35:27 -0700 (PDT)

Attn: Gilbert A Murray,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of the final verification form.

You are advised to contact the correspondence bank officer Mr Perry Newton and also send a copy of verification form.

Regards,

Mary Stephens


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONTINUE TO UPDATE ME ONCE YOU HEAR FROM THE BANK

Sent: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 16:54:59 +0200

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response and thank you for contacting the bank.

I must praise the effort of Mr Welsby in this transaction. He is simply an institution. His courage goes beyond the province of a lionic stuff. Why? Because he fought this battle like a Trojan to ensure that we get a workable understanding.

People are wont to coming up with all sorts of crazy things. Barrister Charles is probably dyslexic, mayble (sic) he cannot learn to spell or he had some kind of psychological problems while drafting the memoramdum (sic) of understanding.

However, I am sorry that an issue meant to be taken or treated with seriousness is left as child’s play by the barrister.

Please get back to me as soon as you hear from the bank, because you will agree with me that we live in the age where people are able to achieve wondrous things almost overnight and I will not want to miss this lifetime opportunity.

I look forward to hear from you.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU

Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 09:56:20

Dear Gilbert,

How are you today? Please get back to me as regard the bank.

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: Info from the bank

Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 09:41:57

Dear Bello,

Thanks for your emails. I’ve heard back from Ms Stephens at the bank and she’s advised me to get in touch with that chap over in Holland to sort things out, so that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Nice to see that you appreciate the contribution Welsby’s made to the success of this transaction, by the way. I’ll pass on your kind comments the next time I see him. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to receive such fulsome praise from you.

So, you reckon Mr Mukolu might be dyslexic or suffering from psychological problems, do you? Well, I suppose you might be right. That would go some way towards explaining his dire performance in this matter. And there was me thinking that the man was either educationally-subnormal or just plain stupid. There’s certainly no comparison between him and the eminent Welsby. To compare the two would be like comparing dung and diamonds.

I’ll get right onto that fella in Holland and see what’s what. Chin up, Bello: now that the cretinous Mr Mukolu is out of the way, we can start to make some real progress now.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mary Stephens

Subject: Thanks for your advice

Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 09:44:05

Dear Ms Stephens,

Thanks for your email. Good to hear that you got the final verification form without any problems. Sorry about the delay. It was all down to the lumpen lawyer I had working for me, Mr Mukolu.

Take my advice, my dear girl. If you ever need a lawyer, steer clear of Mr Mukolu. The man proved to be about as much use as a chocolate chicken coop.

I’ll get right onto Mr Newton over in Holland and send him a copy of that form as you suggest.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Perry Newton

Subject: Sorry for the delay in getting back to you

Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 09:51:37

Dear Mr Newton,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you with regard to my late uncle’s fortune, but the moronic Nigerian lawyer I had working for me has caused me all sorts of problems over the past couple of weeks. Anyway, everything’s sorted now, so I think we’re in a position to move forward.

The bank has advised me to send you a copy of their final verification form, so I’ve attached one to this email.

Please get back to me to let me know that you’ve received the form safely and to advise me on our next step.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Perry Newton

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Sorry for the delay in getting back to you

Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 12:55:08 +0200

Thank you very much for your message and the completed verification form contained therein. I write to inform you that you are to make immediate arrangement and come down to Amsterdam to sign the necessary release documents.

You are therefore required to come down with the following:

  1. A valid identification proof (that is your international passport or driver’s licence).
  2. The administrative, clearance and handling charges of ten thousand five hundred euros (10,500 euros). Please note that this amount must be paid cash prior to the signing/endorsement of the release document.

It is pertinent for me to let you know that you are to send us your travelling itinerary by email to enable our protocol officer to meet with you and bring you to the venue for the signing ceremony.

For further clarifications, call me on my direct telephone line, 0031-642229128.

Kind regards,

MR PERRY NEWTON


From: Bello Muhameed

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANKS FOR THE MAIL, SO FOLLOW UP HOLLAND

Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 14:10:48

Dear Gilbert,

Thank you for your mail response. Please act as fast as you can to get in touch with Holland to enable us to receive this fund.

Please do a serious follow up on this and get back to me.

Finally I want you to know that Welsby is one fellow I will like to meet as soon as I come over for disbursement of fund.

I wait your positive response.

Your humble friend,

Bello Muhameed


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bello Muhameed

Subject: This Dutch chap is asking for over ten thousand euros!

Sent: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 14:31:42

Dear Bello,

I got in touch with that Dutch chap, Perry Newton, like Ms Stephens suggested, and he got back to me a while ago.

You’re not going to believe this, my friend, but that Dutch fella is demanding ten and a half thousand euros off me! He’s claiming that it’s for “administrative, clearance and handling charges”!

Ten and a half thousand euros! Do you know how much that is, Bello? That’s over seven thousand pounds in real money!

I reckon he must have made some mistake. I’ve transferred money by telegraphic transfer before, and it’s not cost me anything like as much as that. I reckon either his finger slipped while he was typing the email to me, or he’s having some kind of joke.

What do you reckon I should do, Bello? Do you know this Perry Newton? Do you reckon he’s having a little joke at my expense, or is it more likely that he made a mistake while he was typing his email? How do you reckon I ought to deal with him?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You say you’d like to meet up with Welsby? I’m sure he’d be delighted to meet you after the input he’s had in this affair so far. If nothing else, he’d probably want to give you some advice regarding how to choose a decent lawyer in the future. Maybe when you travel over here we could arrange to meet up with him for a lunchtime drink down at the village pub, the Cock and Bull.


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