scambuster419.co.uk: where 419 scam artists meet their match

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Introduction

The Scambusts

The General Practitioner

The Aristocrat II

The Massage Parlour Proprietor

The Football Club Manager

The Vicar V

The Astrologer

The Worm Sanctuary Owner

The Signwriter

The Brewer

The Member of Parliament II

The Door Furniture Specialist

The Inventor IV

The Retired Wing Commander IV

The Baker

The Farmer

The Hotelier

The Veterinary Surgeon

The Vicar IV

The Psychosexual Therapist

The Orphanage Director II

The Cess Pit Cleaner

The Dating Agency Proprietor

The Adult Video Director

The Retired Wing Commander III

The Inventor III

The Poultry Magnate III

The Poultry Magnate II

The Vicar III

The Miller

The Member of Parliament

The Lottery Winner

The Inventor II

The Circus Ringmaster

The Undertaker

The Retired Wing Commander II

The Butcher

The Vicar II

The Vicar

The Doctor of Economics

The Rubber Duck Manufacturer

The Orphanage Director

The Aristocrat

The Poet

The Poultry Magnate

The Retired Wing Commander

The Professor of Economics

The Inventor

Mapping Gilbert’s activities

Map of Gypping in the Marsh

The Global Scamming Community

Internet Fraud Information

Classified Advertisement Scams

Investment Scams

Job Vacancies in the Scamming Business

Internet Resources

Scambusting Advice

Scambusting Tips

Gilbert’s Guide to Sending Money to Scammers

Blank Western Union and MoneyGram Receipts

Reactions and Feedback

The Scammers’ Reactions

Feedback from Fans

Contact Details

Copyright Notice


The Inventor (part 2 of 3)


Click here to view the first part of this scambust.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: HELLO MY SWEET

Sent: Thu, 21 Aug 2003 17:52:13

Hi,

My name is Beaker. Well my first name is Billy but everybody always just calls me Beaker. I like that.

I saw your picture that your Dad sent Mr Murray and I like you. I got your email address off your Dad. I think he wants us to get to know each other. I want to get to know you. You are lovely.

I work for Mr Murray he is an inventor. I am his assistant. I have a very important job and without me Mr Murray could not do his job properly. What do you do?

What is your name? How old are you? Are you single? I am single.

Did you like my poem? I can write more if you like.

I have a 32 inch waist and I am 6 foot tall. What are your vital statistics please?

Please reply soon,

Beaker


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Another query

Sent: Thu, 21 Aug 2003 10:37:47 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We are receipt of your mail and what we ask you to do is fill the form and send it back to this chamber and as well make the payment as directed, so that we can commence our work as regards the effect of your fund without delay.

I have given Beaker the contact to my daughter, so it is just between them.

Yours faithfully,

Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Re: Another query

Sent: Thu, 21 Aug 2003 22:10:40

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Thank you for your email. To be frank, I found the tone of the email rather abrupt and short, and on top of this, it did not answer my question regarding how to complete the form.

I am doing my best to complete this form. However, unlike you, I am not a lawyer, and I find forms like this difficult. You probably deal with forms like these as a matter of course, but my expertise lies elsewhere, and I genuinely find them difficult to complete.

I am a precise man, Mr Adekunle, and I am keen to ensure that I complete the form correctly. I am sorry, but I need your help to do this.

I hope you understand, and would ask you to bear with me. I would not expect you to know how to cast a new iron cog without help. Please put yourself in my shoes for a moment.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: EXPLANATION

Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 04:58:12 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We are in receipt of your mail, and this is how to fill out the form completely. First, you can see where we enter our chamber reference number for this form, in case you want us to refer back to you, so it is expected if you keep references to give reference to this form that is your copy that is where we have your reference. If you do not have, leave the space blank.

A) You are expected to fill in your full name in the blank space with your surname first.

B) Your full contact address that you can be reached either on mail or courier services is expected to be filled in the blank space.

C) Fill in your type of work as profession, how old you are, and the country of your nationality.

D) Fill in the name of your bank and account details that the fund will be transferred into.

E) The box in the letter (E) shows what area you are in request for our service, so you are expected to tick in the first box.

UNDERTAKING

Fill in your full name and contact address in the blank spaces. Below the undertaking is where you will append your signature and date.

This should be all for now.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Completed form

Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 13:43:23

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Thank you for your advice regarding the completion of the form that you sent me – it was a huge help. I have now completed the form, and have attached it to this email. Please advise me if I have filled in any parts of the form incorrectly.

I trust that we can now move forward.

Unfortunately, myself and Beaker will be away for the weekend. With our small glue project over, we are travelling up to Leeds tonight, to the headquarters of the adhesive company for whom we have been working, to demonstrate our findings. I am confident that they will be impressed with the formula I have come up with. To test the efficacy of the adhesive, I glued Beaker’s bicycle to the ceiling of the workshop yesterday afternoon and it is still up there, stuck fast.

Once we have completed our presentation to the adhesive company, we shall be making a long weekend of it and enjoying two days’ healthy hiking in the Yorkshire Dales, a beautiful hilly part of the country, which is far removed from the flat, boggy landscape in which we live. Beaker and I both spent time in the Dales some years ago, and we both have our own favourite places that we want to revisit. I am particularly looking forward to exploring Upper Ramsbottom again, and Beaker tells me that he wants to spend some time poking around Hawes (a delightful market town where they make excellent Wensleydale cheese).

We will be returning to Gypping in the Marsh late on Monday evening (which is a public holiday in this country), and I will be ready to resume work on this transaction first thing Tuesday morning.

I wish you a splendid weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


A very large, corrupt file was attached to the above email.


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: BLANK FORM

Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 06:26:37 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We are in receipt of your mail but the completed form is not attached along with the mail. Send it again and make sure you get it correct this time.

Very surprising that you have not shown us much commitment towards the request of our service. Understand that time is wealth.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Completed form

Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 17:32:11

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I am in receipt of your email. Once again I have to say that I found its tone abrupt… in fact, some would say that it was verging on being rude.

This is not the sort of treatment one expects from one’s attorney, sir. Mr Welsby, the lawyer who has been dealing with all my legal issues for over ten years, is always the quintessence of politeness in all his dealings. In my opinion Mr Adekunle, you should take a leaf out of Mr Welsby’s book, otherwise you might find yourself losing a client.

I do not understand what your problem is. As soon as I received your helpful email, in which you explained to me how I should complete the form, I filled in the form, scanned it into my computer, saved it (as CompletedForm.jpg) and sent it to you, attached to my last email.

Assuming there has been some sort of technical hitch, I have re-scanned the form, saved it again as CompletedForm.jpg, and attached it to this email. In case the file was too large, which I know can be a problem with some graphic files, I have zipped it up before sending it. I hope you receive it without any problems.

I bid you a good weekend, sir. And I would ask you to remember your manners when you next contact me. There are many more attorneys out there, all keen for business.

I will be in touch when I return on Tuesday.

Regards,

Gilbert Murray


An even larger corrupt file was zipped and attached to the above email.


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEET

Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 08:13:47 -0700 (PDT)

Hi Beaker,

I received your mail. How are u 2day?

My name is Erlyn Bisi Adekunle. I am 23yrs old. I will be completing 25 @ the end of this month specifically 31st. More so, I am single but married to my studies. I am studying business administration. I do love poems, most especially lovely ones.

I saw the poem you sent to me via my Dad. The words are pretty OK. I am 5… something I won’t tell you my waist.

Could you send me your pic. I would want to know you more better.

I will stop here I got some things to do.


From: Wale Williams

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Completed Form

Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 10:28:02 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Brother,

I am not pleased if the attorney spoke with you in the manner not expected. In fact I will have to take it up with him personally.

Though I expected us to have moved ahead tremendously in regard to this transaction, however am pleased as you keep me inform of every detail of your dealings with the attorney. It shows your complete sincerity and I really appreciate your effort towards making this transaction a success. I am sure we can move with great speed immediately we get the form submitted to the attorney and the issue settled once and for all.

Wale


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Completed Form

Sent: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 10:26:22 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We are in receipt of your mail. With all sincerity, we apologise for whatsoever wrong or harsh tone that might have been related to you through our chamber.

It is and will never be heard of a chamber of our calibre to make our client furious, no matter the circumstance. We stand to make you happy and give you the best our service.

Once again the chamber tried to open the completed form but to no avail, and our best hand on the computer applied the zip file to make sure the attachment opened, yet it could not be done. What the attachment read was that it was blank and no preview was available.

Sir, we will appreciate it if you can attach it the normal procedure of attachment with mail or in the best way you can to make the chamber receive it and act towards your favour.

I, Barrister Vincent Adekunle and on behalf of my chamber, tender our apology for making you furious in regards to your request in any form, and we hope apology will be granted. Have a wonderful trip and a good weekend.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEET

Sent: Mon, 25 Aug 2003 20:58:42

Hi,

Thanks for mailing me. It was really good to hear from you. Me and Mr Murray are just back from a long weekend walking in the Yorkshire Dales it was really nice. We saw lots of things and did lots of fit and healthy walking. We did a bit of work too on Saturday at a big glue factory and I spilled some glue over the Operations Manager’s trousers and they got stuck to the chair. Mr Murray was not pleased and did not speak to me all day. But apart from that it went well.

We got back an hour ago. My eye hurts because when I walked into the workshop I walked into my bicycle which Mr Murray glued to the ceiling last week and I forgot it was still up there and I walked into the handlebars. It’s okay though.

I will ask Mr Murray to take a nice picture of me so I can send you one. He has gone straight to bed tonight he is tired. I think he is angry with your Dad for some reason.

You sound really nice. I hope to hear from you again soon. If you will not tell me your waist size, what size is your bust?

Beaker


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wale Williams

Subject: Re: Completed form

Sent: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 08:51:02

Dear Mr Williams,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to report that Mr Adekunle has proffered a full apology, which I am happy to accept. I am just about to email him and tell him this.

I understand that there have been some technical hitches with the form that he sent me, and I do not yet know the cause of them. I am extremely keen to conclude this transaction as soon as possible, so I shall endeavour to discover the cause of the problems and solve them, if they are at my end. Let us hope that Mr Adekunle can maintain a cool head and a polite attitude throughout this.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Your apology

Sent: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 08:55:26

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Thank you for your apology, which I accept unreservedly. I do not yet know the cause of the problem with the form – I can open it without any problems at my end, so I am guessing it may be getting corrupted during the emailing process. Rest assured that I will endeavour to find out the cause of the problem and solve it as soon as possible – I am keen to conclude this transaction as soon as I possibly can.

You will be pleased to know that our weekend away went well. Apart from a minor incident in the headquarters of the adhesive manufacturer, when Beaker managed to glue the Operations Manager’s trousers to his chair, our presentation was well received, and I am confident that the company will be accepting my new formula very soon.

The rest of our weekend was very relaxing. We stayed on a farm just outside the village of Aysgarth, a delightful place we have stayed at before. Unfortunately, the farmer told us that after our last visit, he had ensured that his daughter was staying elsewhere for the weekend, so we were unable to enjoy her company, something Beaker had been looking forward to tremendously.

As well as being able to walk in the countryside, the farmer allowed Beaker and myself to assist on the farm. We milked the cows one morning and fed the chickens. On Monday morning, he asked us if we would do him a favour and take some sacks of grain down the road to the local mill – something we did for him last time we stayed there. He warned us that the miller might not be there, and that if he was not, we could gain access round the back of the mill. Sure enough, when we got to the mill carrying our heavy sacks and knocked on the door, there was no response. I had some trouble opening the gate at the side of the mill, but after a bit of fumbling around, I managed to take Beaker up the back passage and we both unloaded our bulging sacks in the miller’s yard. It was delightful not only to see, but to be able to take part in, a bit of real rural life.

I shall look into the problem with the form later today, and resend it to you as soon as I can. I am just going to help Beaker detach his bicycle from the ceiling so that he can ride into town for our weekly shop.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Gilbert Murray

Sent: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 04:53:30 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We are in receipt of your mail. I want to sincerely thank you for accepting my apology. More so, thank God for the safe trip and the acceptance of your idea by the company you presented it to. I am sure this is a sign of good things to come if you work tirelessly towards every opportunity before you.

We will kindly expect you to forward the form to us as soon as you are done.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEET

Sent: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 07:43:15 -0700 (PDT)

Sweetheart,

Thank God that you came back safely. How are you doing?

I won’t tell you my bust size. You saw my pic so I want you to guess my waist and the size of my bust.

I do not have much to say could you send me more poems because the previous one was really good. I love you for that.

I never stop praying for you over your project that God will make your dream come true. What are your plans this week?

I will be expecting your mail. Bye.

Have a wonderful day.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEET

Sent: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 20:33:26

Hi,

It was lovely to hear from you. You have made my day. You want me to guess your waist and bust? Ooh I don’t know could you send me a picture of you from the side and I will be able to guess better.

My eye has stopped hurting since I walked into my bike but I am getting a black eye. I won’t ask Mr Murray to take my picture to send to you before my black eye goes down because I look silly.

I went shopping in town today for me and Mr Murray. He trusts me to buy all the shopping for the whole week. But today he did not let me stay for a few drinks after my shopping because he said I came back in a mess last week and I smashed the eggs when I fell off my bike. We had trouble getting my bike down from the ceiling because Mr Murray’s glue was too good and it would not come down. I ended up ripping some of the plaster down with it which is still stuck to one of the wheels.

This week I am helping Mr Murray make Icarus 3 look better by painting it but I have to be careful because I got paint on it in the wrong place last time and he was not happy.

I think Mr Murray is a bit happier with your Dad. Do you know what Mr Murray and your Dad are doing? He won’t tell me and I am curious.

I have written you another poem I hope you like it a lot.

Oh Erlyn you make me the happiest man alive

When I think of your face I am as happy as a bee in his hive

Your smile is so nice and your eyes are so round

I find it hard to keep my feet on the ground

I dreamed of you last night till I woke up with cramp

It was a really good dream because my bed was all damp

I love you my sweetheart, I love you to bits

And I can’t wait to get my hands on your tits.

Please write me a poem. I would love to read it.

I can’t wait to hear from you.

Love Beaker xx


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Completed Form

Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 12:10:52

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Good day to you. I hope today finds you well. It is a fine day here in Gypping in the Marsh. The early morning mist has risen off the fens, leaving a sun-speckled landscape worthy of an oil painting. A light breeze caresses the thatch of Hemlock Cottage and brings the far distant boom of a lone bittern across the fields to our ears. Marvellous.

I instructed Beaker yesterday to spend some time examining our satellite internet connection. He checked all the wiring and performed a number of tests, but could find nothing wrong.

Unfortunately neither of us are at our most knowledgeable when it comes to computers, but Beaker actually came up with a decent idea this morning. He suggested that we rescan the form you sent me and save it in a different format. Therefore, I have scanned in the form once more, saved it as an HXF (hyper-exchange format) file, zipped it up and attached it to this email. Hopefully we will have more luck with this.

Please let me know if you can open this file successfully. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Beaker has asked me to send his warmest regards to your daughter. I get the impression that they are getting on rather well with each other.


An extremely large and corrupt file was zipped and attached to the above email.


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: FINANCIAL DEALING FORM

Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 08:05:54 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

The chamber is unable to download the form scanned to us. We hereby advise you find a way to send the completed form to us via fax to avoid any inconveniences to you and avoid further delay on this transaction.

You can send the form to the above fax number in the form or to my direct fax number: 234 9 272 1576.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Try this one

Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:50:03

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I am sorry that you could not open the form in that format. Beaker has suggested to me that perhaps you have a different “graphics package” to us, whatever that means.

He has suggested to me that GIF files are a widely-used format, and therefore we have re-scanned the file and saved it as a GIF, which I have (with Beaker’s help) zipped and attached to this email.

I hope we have better luck with this one.

Regarding the progress of the Icarus III project, you may be interested to know that we have a small delegation from a major aerospace company, based in Scotland, visiting us here in Gypping in the Marsh next week to view the project. Due to the high level of secrecy, they do not know the precise nature of the innovations I have made; all I have told them is that I am on the verge of perfecting something that will totally revolutionise the aerospace industry, and will make all of their current aeroplanes obsolete overnight.

We have two fellows travelling down to see us: Mr Madoon and Mr McCavity, both of whom I have worked with before, when I developed a new type of wind speed gauge for their company. I am sure that they will be impressed with our progress, and am hoping that they will be willing to forward me a grant to develop the project further. Beaker is outside right now, painting the fuselage to make Icarus III look her best for next week.

I know that you are interested in investing your own money into this project, so I will keep you informed as things progress.

While Beaker is busy preparing Icarus III, I will be spending the rest of my time this week on a pet project of my own (if you will pardon the pun) – a combined dog walker and power generator. This is a kind of treadmill that one will be able to place in one’s garden, and generate power whilst at the same time exercising one’s dog. I have some excellent ideas on how to make it work, and I will be able to test it out on Beaker’s labrador, Rolf. I estimate that Rolf, who is a medium-sized dog, should be able to generate enough power to run a television set, and possibly a fridge-freezer. If successful, this too could be a money spinner, so I shall keep you informed of my progress.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


An extremely large and corrupt GIF file was zipped and attached to the above email.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wale Williams

Subject: How are you, my dear chap?

Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 17:32:173

Dear Mr Williams,

You will be pleased to hear that with Beaker’s help, I think we have cracked the problem regarding the financial agreement form. Hopefully this means that we will be able to move full steam ahead with this transaction.

I have not heard much from you recently. How are you and your family? Do let me know.

Also, if you remember, you were going to send me a picture of your dear wife and family. I would so like to see them – please send me a picture so that I can see with my own eyes what a lucky man you are.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I will make sure that I continue to keep you up to date on the progress of the transaction, and of the progress of my various projects – I am keen to show you that investing your money in Gilbert Murray Enterprises Ltd will be a safe and wise investment for you.


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Try this way

Sent: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 11:12:49 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

The secretary to this chamber tried downloading the attachment through the Winzip file but all she gets is that the file is an invalid archive. I will suggest you send it as a Microsoft Word attachment the way we did send it to you. We believe with that we can download it from our angle.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Re: Try this way

Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 08:59:31

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I am surprised that you could not open the GIF file I sent you. However, thank you for the useful suggestion. I shall get Beaker to insert the graphic into a Microsoft Word document this morning, and I shall send it on to you later today.

This is proving to be extremely irritating, but with the laser-sharp brains of both Beaker and myself focussed in on the problem, and with your excellent advice, I am sure that we will crack the problem very soon.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Your form in a Word document

Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 12:21:42

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I have followed your advice and inserted the form into a Microsoft Word document, which I have attached to this email. It opens with absolutely no problem at our end, so I am confident that you will be able to open it too. Then perhaps we can proceed at last with this transaction.

Work on the combined dog walker and power generator has moved on apace this morning. I have connected the workings of a supermarket conveyor belt to a generator that I managed to salvage from the wreckage of Icarus II, and plugged a television set into the generator. Once I have constructed a mechanism to hold the dog in place on the conveyor belt, I shall be ready to test the machine properly.

I have to say that Beaker is eyeing the contraption with some suspicion, but I have assured him that it will be perfectly safe. In fact, I think Rolf will enjoy it, and the exercise will do him good. Beaker does tend to mollycoddle that dog somewhat, and doesn’t walk him nearly as much as he ought to.

Icarus III is looking rather fine now that Beaker has finished painting the fuselage – the man worked like a demon to get it finished yesterday. I am sure that Mr Madoon and Mr McCavity will be impressed with the old girl when they visit early next week. To ensure that we make the right impression on them, I have now instructed Beaker to clean and polish the house and workshop from top to bottom. This is not a small task, believe me. I want everything gleaming and sparkling for when they arrive.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


An extremely large and corrupt Word document was zipped and attached to the above email.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: I HAVE WRITTEN YOU ANOTHER POEM

Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 15:32:59

Hi,

I can’t stop thinking about you and I can’t get you off my mind. You mean everything to me. I am supposed to be cleaning the house but I have sneaked off to write you this.

I have written you another poem. You inspire me. You are my muse. I have never written poems before.

Erlyn Adekunle, be my sweet lollipop

Let me tear off your wrapper and lick you all over and not stop

I would be like your favourite boiled sweetie

Because I would last for ages when you put me in your mouth and sucked me

I dream of you lying in a hay meadow on your front

I dream of me entering your sweet perfumed circle of friends

And them all getting to know me as a friend of their own

But you’d be the only one I would make squeal and groan

I love you as you are – I am not very fussy

I love the curve of your hips, your legs and your elbows

I’d treat you right, Erlyn, you’d be a goddess to me

As long as you could cook, wash and clean up after me.

I have still got a black eye so I can’t send you a picture of me yet, but I will get Mr Murray to take one of me as soon as it goes down and I am back to my normal handsome self.

Your ever loving Beaker xx


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: I LOVE U

Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 09:36:59 -0700 (PDT)

Sweetheart,

How are you today? I am so pleased with you poem. In fact I could not sleep without dreaming of you. I love you from the bottom of my heart.

They say love is caring, understanding etc, but I say love is a logical thing which magnetises the senses of humanity. I love you.

I hope to hear from you.

I want to remind you that my birthday is the 30th of this month. What will you be sending me?

I await for more of your poems.

Love you darling.


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Your form in a Word document

Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 10:31:03 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Murray Gilbert,

We are unable to open the file. The document you sent through Wordpad was showing me computer language. So I will expect to find a way and send it by fax to me. You can as well send Mr Beaker to do that for you as this is the only way remaining. Without this form completed, sent back to us and as well fulfil the payment beneath the form, this chamber will not be able to process and begin work on your request.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Please get my name right

Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 19:46:53

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Thank you for your email.

Firstly, I would remind you that my name is “Gilbert Murray”, not “Murray Gilbert”… is this some legal way of referring to clients, or have you had a liquid lunch?

I am rather distressed that you cannot seem to be able to access the files I am emailing you. We have tried everything we can think of, and yet still we have had no success. Are you sure there is nothing wrong with the computer system at your end?

It may help if we can establish whether I can read attachments that you send. I would be obliged if you could send me an email with a small graphical attachment – another picture of your daughter, for example, which would please Beaker no end. This should help me to track down the problem.

Regarding the combined dog walker and power generator, you will be pleased to hear that having managed to construct a secure harness to hold the dog on top of the conveyor belt, I now have my first working prototype. To test the contraption, I strapped Beaker’s dog Rolf firmly into the harness and waited for him to start walking, thereby turning the conveyor belt and powering the generator. However, Rolf was not very keen to walk, and after a few faltering steps, he just hung there in the harness wagging his tail.

I think I need to develop some mechanism to encourage the dog to walk while he is strapped in the harness – otherwise the whole thing becomes quite useless. If I can rig up the equipment so that the dog receives a small electric shock to the genitals when the conveyor belt falls below a certain velocity, I believe this will do the trick. This should be relatively simple to engineer, using a basic speedometer and electric current from the generator itself. I think I should have all the parts I need lying about in the workshop, so I shall work on it this evening and test it out tomorrow morning.

All projects must have a code-name. I think I shall name this one the Petpower project.

If this experiment is successful, the applications of this technology could be extremely wide-ranging. As well as being of interest to dog owners who find walking their pets a chore, it could also be popular with people who want to reduce their electricity bills. Forget wind-generated electricity; dog power could be the next big thing in home electricity generation. And you are lucky enough to be in at the start of it! We could make some serious money here.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: YOUR BIRTHDAY

Sent: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 19:52:41

Hi,

Thanks for your lovely email. It is your birthday soon? What would you like?

If you send me your address I will send you a nice present through the post with all my love. I will pick something especially for you my love.

I am not very happy right now. Mr Murray keeps shouting at me because I can’t get his computer to send your Dad something right, and he is experimenting on my dog. Sometimes I don’t like Mr Murray very much.

Thinking of you lots and lots.

Beaker xx


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: We have cracked it!

Sent: Fri, 28 Aug 2003 13:33:30

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Excellent news! Beaker has been working on our technical problems all morning, and now assures me that we have cracked the problem. I therefore attach the completed form – Beaker assures me that it will work this time.

I knew we would crack the problem eventually. In my line of work, technical problems are a constant problem, and I am accustomed to solving them. I believe in perseverance, and I rarely fail.

The Petpower project looks to be going marvellously well. I finished constructing the new electrical “encouragement” circuitry this morning, then while Beaker busied himself cleaning the house and sorting out our little technical difficulties, I strapped Rolf into the harness and attached the electrodes to the dog’s privy member. I have not told Beaker about that particular part of the apparatus, by the way – he is already rather uneasy about me using Rolf to test the equipment, and I fear he would be extremely unhappy if he knew that I had attached electrodes to his dog’s genitalia. When I started up the equipment, Rolf acted just as he did yesterday – he took a few steps, then stopped. Immediately, the new circuit snapped into life, and with a loud yelp, Rolf instantly started running along the conveyor belt, powering the generator, and thereby the television that was attached to the other end. Success!

I watched the dog for a while, to double-check that the new circuit was operating correctly. Sure enough, after a minute or so, Rolf slowed down again. When he had nearly come to a stop, the circuit snapped into life again with an audible crack, and with another yelp, Rolf was up and running once more, looking somewhat surprised. Happy that the equipment was working correctly, I left it running and came inside to compose this email to you. I am most pleased.

Assuming that Beaker is correct in his assertion and you successfully receive the form, I am sure we will soon be up and running in no time with our project. Much like Rolf, in fact.

There is another matter on which I would very much appreciate your advice. I am instructing Beaker to cook a fine meal next week for Mr Madoon and Mr McCavity’s visit – I am anxious to give them the best impression possible. For the main course, Beaker is going to be roasting a haunch of venison, accompanied by broccoli and potatoes and parsnips roasted in rosemary, with a sherry and mushroom gravy. I am unsure which wine to serve with the main course: I cannot decide between a robust Australian Shiraz, or a more gentle South African Merlot. You are obviously a man of taste and discernment, Mr Adekunle – what would you advise?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

The unsuccessfully-scanned financial agreement form
(Click to enlarge)


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Successful a little

Sent: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 12:02:19 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

This chamber has finally succeeded in opening the file. Unfortunately the form was filled and sent back with just two information. What we received was your full name and address which is MURRAY GILBERT ARNOLD, HEMLOCK COTTAGE, COLD HARBOUR respectively, which is all the information received with your reference number WW01. So make sure you scan it well this time sir, please, because am sure I will be able to open it this time.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: A slight setback

Sent: Fri, 28 Aug 2003 21:57:30

Dear Mr Adekunle,

This afternoon has been extremely trying. I am sorry to have to report a slight setback to the Petpower project. Having harnessed Rolf to the equipment this morning, I left it running in the garden when I came into the house to email you the completed form. I then had some lunch with Beaker, after which Beaker suggested a few hands of cribbage at the kitchen table. I adore cribbage – it is one of my favourite card games – and today the cards were in my favour. We became engrossed in the game and played for a couple of hours. Eventually, having won three games in a row, I was just about to thrash Beaker again when I remembered to my horror that I had left the Petpower equipment running.

I rushed out immediately into the garden, closely followed by Beaker, to find Rolf hanging limply in the harness, his body jerking spasmodically as the equipment periodically fired a burst of electric current into his genitals. His eyes were wide open and staring, and drool hung from his gaping mouth. As we stood there, our mouths hanging open in shock, it was immediately obvious that the dog was dead.

With a howl of anguish, Beaker ran over to Rolf and threw his arms around the animal. I opened my mouth to cry out a warning, but I was too late – at the very same moment, the equipment fired another burst of electricity into the animal’s phallus, and Beaker, clutching the animal tight in his arms, got the full force of the electricity as well. As Beaker cried out in pain, the shock contracted his muscles, so that he could not let go of the animal. Thinking quickly, I rushed over to the control panel to turn the machine off, but the control lever was stuck, and poor Beaker endured five more electric shocks before I finally managed to wrench the lever to the “off” position.

Running back to my stricken assistant, I prised Beaker away from his deceased dog and laid him out on the ground in the recovery position. The poor man’s hair was standing on end from the electricity and his body crackled gently with static. I slapped him hard on the face a few times to try and bring him round. Thankfully, he opened his eyes and started to come to after only a few moments.

As he lay there, dazed, I slapped him hard on the face again, then again, and again, harder each time, to bring him round fully, until he grabbed my hand and told me in no uncertain terms to stop hitting him. I gave him one more good hard slap to make sure he was alright, then helped him to his feet.

And then, the recriminations started. He was (perhaps understandably) livid. He accused me of all kinds of terrible things and called me some awful names. I have to admit that I felt a slight twinge of guilt. I stood there, not knowing what to say. When he had vented his anger, Beaker ripped Rolf’s lifeless body away from the apparatus, took it in his arms, and disappeared down to the far end of the garden in a flood of tears. I thought it wise to leave him on his own for a while.

This was something of a tragedy. However, looking at it logically, one has to expect accidents such as this to happen in experimental circumstances. The death of a dog is unfortunate, but at least the poor beast did not die in vain; Beaker should be proud that Rolf gave up his life in the cause of scientific progress. However, Beaker did not seem to appreciate this fact when I mentioned it earlier.

I think the cause of death was heart failure – but whether this was due to over-exertion or over-exposure to electricity, I am not yet sure. I could find out for certain if I examined the animal post-mortem, but I doubt that Beaker will let me anywhere near the body. I will have to acquire another dog and conduct some more tests. I believe that Farmer Palmer in the village has a few collie pups he is keen to get rid of. I have already promised Beaker that I will buy him another dog. Maybe I should buy him two, just to be on the safe side.

Regarding the form that I sent you, I am extremely pleased that you have managed to open it at last. I am sorry that there still appears to be some problem – I have to admit that I did not check it myself before I sent it on, but trusted Beaker’s word when he said that it was fine. However, from what you said in your email, it sounds as if we are making progress – I think we are nearly there. As soon as Beaker starts talking to me again, I shall broach the subject gently and will get another form to you as soon as possible. However, given the man’s mood at the moment, we may have to wait a day or so. I trust that this will be acceptable, given the circumstances. I am sure you can understand.

May I wish you and your daughter a pleasant weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You did not give me your thoughts on the choice of wine – do you think I should serve Shiraz or Merlot with the venison next week? It is very important that we get this right and I would value your opinion.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: MR MURRAY HAS MURDERED MY DOG

Sent: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 23:02:41

Hi,

I am very sad. And I am very angry. Mr Murray has murdered my dog Rolf by shooting electricity into his penis in a failed experiment. I loved Rolf. Rolf was my only true friend. Rolf understood me. Rolf never said I was weird. Rolf never locked me in a dark room on my own for hours at a time. Rolf never said I was a danger to children. And now Rolf has gone.

I have written another poem. It is not happy like the other ones I sent you. This one is sad, because I am sad.

Cold hooded Death came walking by and knocked upon my door

I’ve come to take your dog, he said, he’ll wag his tail no more

I argued and I cried but no, cold Death was in a hurry

If you want someone to blame, he said, blame Mr Gilbert Murray

For he has killed your best friend in a way that is most heinous

By shooting electricity into your doggy’s penis

Then Death strolled on into the night, carrying his scythe

And the ghost of Rolf, my murdered dog, was walking by his side

Now I am all alone and all I have for company

Is the stiff and cold corpse of a dog with burn marks on its willy

And now as well as sadness I feel hatred start to swell

I’ll have vengeance on Rolf’s murderer, I’ll make sure he burns in hell.

I hate Mr Murray. He is horrible to me. He treats me like an idiot. And now he has killed Rolf. I HATE HIM.

I will make him sorry for what he has done. You’ll see. They’ll all see. I’ll make them see.

Beaker xx


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Take heart

Sent: Sat, 30 Aug 2003 04:30:37 -0700 (PDT)

Sweetheart,

How are you doing today? Do not let yourself to be worn out because of Mr Murray. I believe it is a testing time for you and I surely know you will become great in life.

Thank you for your sweet words and asking what I wanted for my birthday. I would want you to send me beautiful presents like a mobile handset (a very good one), a necklace including wristwatch, and any other thing that you know is good for your love.

I want you to send the gifts through Fedex and let me have the tracking number so I could track it from my end.

This is my address: 3 Oyelola Street, Anifowoshe, Ikeja, Lagos.

I will be sending you a lovely card.

More so, I sympathise with you on the loss of your dog. Take heart: all will be well.

Bye love.


From: postmaster@123greetings.com

To: Beaker

Subject: Erlyn sent you a greeting card

Sent: Sat, 30 Aug 2003 04:37:21 -0700

Dear Billy Beaker,

Erlyn has sent you a greeting card from 123Greetings.com, a FREE service committed to keeping people in touch.

Erlyn’s online card to Beaker
(Click to enlarge)


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: THANKS FOR YOUR LOVELY CARD

Sent: Sat, 30 Aug 2003 15:57:42

Hi,

Thanks for your lovely card. It brought a little smile to my face. I am still very sad though because of what Mr Murray did to Rolf. He says I should be proud that Rolf died in the cause of science but I am not proud. I loved Rolf. I still love Rolf. Rolf should not have died. Mr Murray should not have killed him.

His body has gone all stiff now.

It is your birthday! It is me that should be sending you a card. I am so sorry but the last few days have been very difficult for me and I forgot. I will make it up to you, I promise.

You say you would like a mobile handset. I will not buy you one of those because Mr Murray did some experiments for a big mobile phone company last year and found that the radio waves they give off are really really dangerous for you. That’s why he won’t use one and I won’t either. The mobile phone company hushed it all up, but please my love, never use a mobile phone. Mr Murray found conclusive proof that the radiation they give out will affect your brain after about ten years. I am serious my darling – if you have a mobile phone, throw it away now and never buy another one. I would hate your brain to turn to mush, which is what will happen.

I like necklaces though. What sort of necklaces do you like? I would really like to give you a pearl necklace. Would you like me to do that?

And what sort of watches do you like?

What is “Fedex”, my love? Is that the name of the Nigerian postal service? I don’t know how to send anything by Fedex. I normally just put things in the letter box at the end of the lane and they get there.

Thank you for your address though so I can send you something nice now. Are you sure you spelt everything right? Some of the words look very funny to me. Please let me know the correct spelling before I send you some presents.

I must go now. I have things to do. I am going to cut down some trees in the orchard so I am going to sharpen my axe. Mr Murray had better stay out of my way right now.

I love you.

Beaker xx


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Re: THANKS FOR YOUR LOVELY CARD

Sent: Sat, 30 Aug 2003 08:16:39 -0700 (PDT)

Sweetheart,

I got your mail. My address is correct and I prefer gold necklaces and a better wristwatch. Fedex is a courier servcie that will get the present here in 3 days, so confirm and let me have them through Fedex. I would also want a compact disc player.

Thank you love.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: Pearl necklace

Sent: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 18:32:58

Hi,

Thanks for explaining that to me. Fedex sounds very clever but I don’t know if we have them round here. There is a little red pillar box at the end of the lane that I post things into. I think I will use that to send you something as I know how to do that.

So you would like a compact disc player too, would you? I do love you Erlyn but you have rather expensive taste. For my last birthday Mr Murray only bought me some pens and a colouring book and I was very happy with that. Never mind my love. I will see what I can do.

It is a shame you prefer gold. I really would prefer to give you a pearl necklace. In fact I dreamed of you last night and gave you a pearl necklace in the dream. It was all very exciting.

I am still not talking to Mr Murray. I chopped some trees in the orchard today and I chopped down Mr Murray’s favourite cherry tree! He was not happy when he found out but I had my axe in my hand so he didn’t say anything. He had better watch out.

It is getting difficult to keep the flies away from Rolf’s body now. He is so cold and stiff.

I really miss Rolf.

I love you. Write to me soon.

Beaker xx


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: I need your help

Sent: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 20:21:51

Dear Mr Adekunle,

This has been an extremely difficult weekend. Things have been very strained here at Hemlock Cottage. Beaker is still not speaking to me, and is acting in a rather unnerving manner. In fact, I am not afraid to admit that I am becoming afraid – both for Beaker’s mental health and for my own safety.

Beaker spent some time today chopping and trimming the trees in the orchard. I left him to it, and I could not believe it when I noticed that he had he chopped down my favourite cherry tree. However, when I started to remonstrate with him, he glared at me with a strange hungry look, fondled the blade of his axe (which he had spent over two hours sharpening this morning) and moved slowly and deliberately towards me, licking his lips. I am no coward, but I have to say that I turned and ran.

On top of this, he has not buried the body of his dog yet. He is keeping it in his room. It is starting to smell. This is unhealthy, and not good for his mental state, which is somewhat shaky at the best of times.

I am afraid that he will still be acting like this when Madoon and McCavity visit this week, which could mean that they do not offer me a grant for my research. Worse than this, without Beaker’s assistance, there is no way I will be able to rescan your financial agreement form – if we do not manage to get Beaker back to normal (or back to what passes for normal in Beaker’s world), I fear for the very future of our transaction.

I need your help, Mr Adekunle. I believe that Beaker has started to build a relationship with your daughter. Please, Mr Adekunle, could you persuade your daughter to have a word with Beaker and try to get him to start talking to me again? I am sure that if she had a word with him, he would listen. Do you think your daughter would be willing to help in this way? It is for Beaker’s own good. And there is nobody else who can help.

If she could persuade him to bury Rolf, that would also be a huge help. The stench is becoming overpowering.

Please, Mr Adekunle, do your best to persuade your daughter to help us. Without her help, our transaction is in danger.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You have not yet given me your opinion on the choice of wine to go with the venison we are cooking for Madoon and McCavity. This is extremely important to me – please give me your opinion. Should I serve the Shiraz or the Merlot?


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Re: Pearl necklace

Sent: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 04:33:00 -0700 (PDT)

Sweetheart,

How are you doing today? Why are you doing this to your life? Do you know that I am not happy with you because you are not happy. Rolf is dead and it is not intentionally Mr Murray killed Rolf. He would never in life want Rolf to die, so darling, put up a bright face and continue with your life. Forgive Mr Murray for what he has done because it is not good to keep malice and I want to tell you it is even dangerous to your health. What I want you to do is to go and bury Rolf together with Mr Murray, make peace with him so you can achieve more from him.

Once you do so I want you to mail me telling that you both have started communicating the usual way. Do all what he ask you to do with plain heart and right.

I love you darling and I will want you to send me the pearl necklace.

I sincerely LLLLLLL OOOOOOO VVVVV EEEEEE DARLING.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: I will have my revenge

Sent: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 13:42:39

Hi,

Thanks for sending me your mail. It is always so lovely to hear from you. But I am lonely. Rolf is not smelling too good now and he is so still. But he is still my friend. He will always be my friend.

I cannot forgive Mr Murray for what he has done. I am going to take my revenge on Mr Murray. I will make him truly sorry for what he has done. He is an evil man for killing my dog. He will not get away with it.

I am cooking tea for him tonight like I do every night. I am going to put lots of strong laxatives in his food. That will make him sorry. If he is not careful I might put something worse than laxatives in his food.

He is going to have to go shopping himself this week. I am not going to go shopping for him. I am going to stay here and look after Rolf. I am scared Mr Murray will try to do something else to hurt Rolf.

Once I have had my revenge, things will be different around here. Oh yes. Things will be VERY different around here. Just you wait and see. You are so nice. I love you.

Beaker xx


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Please respond

Sent: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 13:55:31

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I am worried that you have not responded to my cry for help. Please man, I beg you, ask your daughter to come to my rescue. If you do not, I truly fear that this transaction will fail. We must get Beaker back to normal.

I crept into his bedroom today while he was in the kitchen sharpening knives, and found to my disgust that the rotting corpse of the dog was in his bed – he always used to sleep with Rolf, and it appears that he is still sleeping with him even though the animal is dead. The sight was so grotesque that it turned my stomach – I very nearly vomited. And as for the smell…

Please, let me know whether your daughter is willing to help. I must know what is going on. If I may suggest, perhaps if she were to argue along the lines of “How do you expect our relationship to develop when you sleep with a dead dog in your bed?”, Beaker might take notice.

I hope and pray that your daughter can do some good. She is my only hope.

Please, please, keep me informed as to what is going on.

Also, I must go shopping tomorrow to buy food for Madoon and McCavity’s visit – Beaker refuses to do anything for me. You still have not given me your recommendation on wine. I know nothing about wine and do not want to make a fool of myself. What should it be – Shiraz or Merlot? Please give me the benefit of your obviously fine upbringing and breeding.

I await your response anxiously.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: Rolf

Sent: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 20:31:28

Hi,

I have done it. Tonight, I put a whole packet of strong laxatives in Mr Murray’s tea. That will make him suffer. Just like Rolf suffered. I will show him what true suffering means.

And this is only the start. Nobody does what he did to me and gets away with it. He is going to be so sorry.

But maybe you are right. Maybe I should start acting like I used to do so he’ll stop worrying. Then it will be easier for me to get my revenge. He won’t suspect a thing. That’s what I’ll do. Thanks for your advice Erlyn my love. With your help I know my plans will succeed.

Because I have been so busy looking after Rolf I have not been able to go into town yet to buy you a lovely present. But don’t worry my love. As soon as I get into town I will buy you something really nice and lovely.

I love you lots and lots.

Rolf sends his love too. You will like Rolf when you meet him. He is a lovely dog. He is so kind and gentle.

Beaker xx


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: I am not well

Sent: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 20:45:07

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I am not well. I do not know what is wrong with me. Ever since tea time my stomach has been wracked with cramp and I cannot stop going to the toilet. I feel awful. It must have been something I ate.

On the positive side, Beaker has just asked me how I am, and brought me a glass of water. That is a big change from the way he has been treating me over the past few days – he has not said a word to me, other than “dog murderer”. I hope that this signals a change in his attitude.

Has your daughter spoken to him about this? You must let me know. If she has managed to turn him around, I will be eternally grateful to you. If she manages to get him to bury the dog, that will be a huge relief too.

I cannot afford to be ill tomorrow – I must go shopping in the morning and Mr Madoon and Mr McCavity arrive the next morning. If I feel like I feel now, I will not be capable of going into town and shopping, never mind taking Madoon and McCavity up for a flight in Icarus III. I can only hope that I feel better and that Beaker continues being more helpful.

I feel bad that our transaction has been delayed by this affair – please accept my sincere apologies. Trust me, as long as Beaker carries on improving as he seems to be doing, I am confident that I will be able to get him to help me with your form, then we can continue where we left off.

You have been very quiet recently – are you ill yourself? Please respond to my email and let me know you are alright.

Sorry, I must go. Right now. I feel dreadful.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: I have taken your advice

Sent: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 08:58:52

Hi,

I have taken your advice my love and now I am acting like I used to towards Mr Murray so he doesn’t suspect a thing. He thinks I am helping him. He can’t stop going to the toilet because of all the laxatives I gave him. He thinks I am helping him by giving him lots of glasses of water. What he doesn’t know is that I am putting more laxatives in the water.

I have told him I will go shopping for him today because he is ill and his guests arrive this evening. I will cook them tea. Mr Murray thinks they are going to be eating venison. They are not going to be eating venison though. I am going to cook up something very different.

I will look for a lovely present for you in town my sweet. I might be able to find you a lovely necklace or something in Poundstretcher.

I love you my sweet. Please don’t worry about me. Everything will be alright very soon.

Beaker xx


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: It is well with you In Jesus’ name

Sent: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 02:41:49 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Murray Gilbert,

I am glad to inform you that I spoke with my daughter at length over this issue and she immediately agreed to mail Mr Beaker and talk sense to him, which she did, and I believe he will listen to her more, so she has asked Mr Beaker to bury Rolf together with you, that is to show signs of love and forgiveness. Concerning your running stomach, I want you to take good care of yourself so that you can receive your visitors and make them feel at home.

Regarding the issue of wine to serve your visitors, I suggest Merlot.

I believe before the end of this week we will be able to achieve huge success.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Ben Madoon and Phil McCavity’s visit

Sent: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 12:15:49

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Last night I felt awful. Today I feel worse. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I feel like my very guts are being drawn out of me. I got no sleep last night and I have lost a good deal of weight since yesterday evening. If things do not improve, I must try to get the local doctor out to visit me.

Thankfully, Beaker seems to be returning to his normal self. I can only think that this is your daughter’s doing. Please pass on my sincere thanks to her. In fact, Beaker is being almost over-helpful, constantly asking me how I am feeling, and bringing me plenty of drinks to help ease my suffering. He has also agreed to go shopping for me today – he is leaving for town in a few minutes – to buy provisions for the visit of Ben Madoon and Phil McCavity. Thankfully, he has also washed, for the first time in days. I am not sure what he has done with Rolf’s corpse though. Well, one step at a time. He does still have a bit of a strange look in his eyes when he looks at me, but I suppose he will get over things in time.

I got an email from Mr McCavity late last night informing me that they were bringing their visit forward. They are now arriving this evening and staying until tomorrow afternoon. The timing of this is very unfortunate – they will unfortunately catch me at my worst, but I will have to rally my strength tomorrow for the test flight. I have explained the situation regarding my health, so hopefully they will understand. I am confident that they will be impressed by the Icarus III project and will recommend that the Board of C. U. Jimmy PLC (one of the most forward-thinking Scottish aviation companies) should forward us a grant to aid our research.

Beaker has also agreed to cook for us tonight, and wait on table – he will be cooking the venison. Thank you for your advice on the wine, by the way. I shall make sure that Beaker purchases a few bottles of Merlot when he is in town.

Looking on the bright side, I am certain that as soon as Madoon and McCavity have departed tomorrow afternoon, I will be able to devote my full attention to our transaction, which I really think we need to get back on track. There just seems to have been one delay after another. I am most disappointed.

I must go now. I need the bathroom urgently.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Do not do it, for Christ’s sake

Sent: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 02:44:36 -0700 (PDT)

Sweetheart,

How are you doing? I got your mail. To be frank, I am not happy with the way you sounded in your mail. Why are taking this so personally? Mind you, they say to err is human and to forgive is divine, so I want you to forgive Mr Murray and get along with life. Do not try any hurtful thing to hurt him. I believe is full of sorrow for killing Rolf and I know he did not do it intentionally.

I remember my father telling me how my mother died and the cause of her death and who made her lose her life. I did not go after that person’s life despite I love my mother, may her gentle soul rest in perfect peace. I do go to the doctor’s house, in fact we are very close family friends now. Why should I seek revenge? God knows better than we do, more so, he came to this sinful world to lay his life on the cross of Calvary for you and I. Why worry with our sin and what we did to him while he was on Earth? He is supposed to sweep every soul from the surface of the earth but he did not because of the loving kindness and passion he had for us. That is why he said on the cross “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”.

Darling I want you to promise if you really love me and care for me, that you will not do anything to hurt Mr Murray, and I want you to promise that you will call him to bury Rolf together with you, and promise me again that you will be forever nice to him, helping to go for shopping this day.

I will forever love you if you adhere to my words and advice. I love you very very very very very muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Send me more poems and pass my regards to Mr Murray.

Your angel.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: The die is cast

Sent: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 12:42:41

Hi,

Thanks for your email and your lovely thoughts.

I do love you.

But a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

The die is cast. My plans are set in stone. Tonight, the hammer of retribution will fall on Mr Murray.

What is it the Bible said? “An eye for an eye, a tube for a tube”. I never quite understood the last bit.

Then after that everything will be lovely again. And we can get married and make sweet love and have lots and lots of babies. It doesn’t have to be in that order.

I love you my sweet.

Pray for me tonight.

Beaker xx


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Please forgive and forget

Sent: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 07:44:49 -0700 (PDT)

Sweetheart,

You are making my heart beat faster. I have told you to forgive and forget. Do not hurt Mr Murray again. I will not want you to be planning evil plans against him. You are not taking my advice love. I have told you.

I want to ask have you buried Rolf? I do not want you to hurt him any longer. Do you know he is a friend to my dad, and my dad won’t be happy hearing this from you? He may think you are wicked and heartless. Please be very nice to him and regarding your visitor do prepare for them what Mr Murray wants you to prepare. Do not make anything different.

God will sincerely be with you. I love you.


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle

Subject: Tragedy

Sent: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 08:52:32

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I can barely believe that what I am about to tell you has actually happened. I am in shock.

I thought yesterday that Beaker was improving and starting to get over the loss of his dog. But the events of last night showed that nothing could be further from the truth.

I must emphasise that the contents of this email must remain STRICTLY confidential. You must not promise me that you will not divulge this information to anyone else. I assume that you take your clients’ confidentiality very seriously anyway – in some ways, in your job you must feel like a priest hearing peoples’ confessions.

I will start at the beginning. Ben Madoon and Phil McCavity arrived at just after 6 o’clock. Beaker, having bought all the shopping in town earlier in the day, was busy at work in the kitchen preparing our meal. I apologised for my poor state of health, and showed them to their rooms so that they could freshen up after their long drive down from Glasgow. After a visit to the bathroom, I then prepared the dining room ready for the evening meal.

Beaker rang the gong in the dining room at eight o’clock, at which point Madoon, McCavity and myself seated ourselves around the oak table. Beaker, smartly turned out in his waiter’s uniform, served us our starter, boiled quail eggs on a bed of arborio rice with a crispy side salad. I myself ate very little, due to the parlous state of my stomach.

When we had finished our starters, Beaker came back into the dining room, cleared away our plates, and served up the main course: venison, accompanied by broccoli and potatoes and parsnips roasted in rosemary, with a sherry and mushroom gravy, then left the room for us to enjoy our meal. I realised that I could not eat another thing – indeed I had to leave the table several times to visit the bathroom during the meal – and as Mr McCavity was particularly hungry, I gave him my main course to eat as well as his own. Both Madoon and McCavity commented that the venison tasted rather gamey, but ate it all regardless.

Incidentally, the wine you recommended complemented the food to perfection. Congratulations, on your choice, Mr Adekunle. You are obviously a bit of a gourmand.

As soon as we had finished, Beaker returned to the dining room to clear away our plates. He asked if we had enjoyed our meal. Mr McCavity replied that the venison had been deliciously cooked.

“That wasn’t venison you were eating,” replied Beaker, “That was dog.”

The three of us all spluttered into our glasses of wine and looked at Beaker in disbelief. Fixing his gaze directly on me, Beaker calmly explained to Madoon and McCavity that I had murdered his dog last week, and that to get his revenge, he had butchered, cooked and served up Rolf in place of the venison. Madoon, McCavity and I looked at Beaker in shock and disgust. We did not know what to say.

“But getting my own back on Mr Murray by serving him dog wasn’t enough for me,” continued Beaker, “I wanted to really make him suffer, like Rolf had suffered. So I laced Mr Murray’s main course with rat poison.”

There was stunned silence for a few seconds, until McCavity whispered “But Mr Murray didn’t eat his main course. I did.”

All eyes turned immediately to McCavity, who gulped. Then all of a sudden he clutched his stomach and throat, doubled up and fell to the floor, and started screaming in pain. Madoon and myself rushed to his side to help, but we could do nothing as he writhed around the floor, vomiting, sweating and screaming in agony, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. Beaker stood like a statue, obviously shocked. After about what seemed like an age but was probably only three or four minutes, McCavity gave out a piercing shriek, and slumped on the floor, perfectly still. I bent over and felt for his pulse. Nothing.

“He’s dead.” I said.

Madoon pointed a trembling finger at Beaker, who still stood there like a statue. “You killed him!” he shouted. “You killed McCavity!”

“But I didn’t mean to!” stuttered Beaker. “I swear I didn’t mean to! I meant to kill Mr Murray!”

“I’m going to get the police.” said Madoon, heading for the door.

“Madoon, stop,” I said. “You can’t go to the police. They’ll lock up Beaker.”

“For god’s sake, the man tried to kill you!” shouted Madoon, and made for the door again. I quickly moved in front of him, blocking the way to the door.

“I’m sorry, Mr Madoon, but I can’t let you do that,” I said, “It was an accident, and the police wouldn’t understand.”

“Get out of my way, man!” shouted Madoon, and lunged at me. We both fell to the floor and a scuffle ensued. Beaker, thinking quickly, picked up a large cast iron candlestick from the table and brought it down heavily on the back of Madoon’s head. Once, twice, three times he hit him, with three sickening cracks. Madoon fell still, his body limp and heavy on top of mine.

Beaker pulled Madoon’s body away from me and gave me a hand up. Blood oozed from the back of Madoon’s head and formed a growing pool on the floorboards. I bent down and felt for his pulse. Nothing. He too was dead, the back of his head stoved in.

“I’m sorry, Mr Murray!” cried Beaker, sobbing and falling into my arms, “Please forgive me!” I comforted him as best I could, patting his back, my mind racing with the awful knowledge of what had just happened.

When Beaker had finished sobbing, we both sat down at the table and Beaker explained everything to me: how he had been feeding me laxatives, how he had wanted to kill me to avenge the death of his dog, how he had cooked up Rolf and served him for dinner and how he had laced my main course with rat poison. He apologised profusely for everything he had done, and I forgave him. In turn, I apologised for killing his dog, and promised to buy him another one. Beaker then forgave me. It was all rather emotional.

Having hugged each other, talk then turned to what to do with the bodies of Madoon and McCavity. Although Beaker killed them both, both of us are implicit in the death of Madoon. Going to the police was, of course, not an option. After some discussion, we decided what to do. We removed all identification from the bodies and wrapped them in two old rugs, weighted down with some heavy waste scraps of iron from the workshop. By that time, it was dark outside, so we loaded the bodies into the boot of Madoon and McCavity’s car. With the bodies in the back, we then drove a few miles to a particularly remote place in the depths of the fens, where the bog is particularly deep. It is the same place where Icarus I was sucked into the marsh after we crash-landed – that is how I came to know about the depth of the bog in this place, and about its capacity for swallowing large objects. Little did I know then how useful that knowledge was going to be.

Parking on the edge of the marsh, we opened all the car’s windows and got out, then released the handbrake and pushed it into the mire. We stood and watched as it slowly sank into the bog, air bubbles making their way to the surface, the bodies of Madoon and McCavity still in the boot. When the car was fully submerged, we walked back to Hemlock Cottage, where we set about clearing up the mess from the night’s happenings.

I will burn Madoon and McCavity’s identification today in the furnace, together with the personal effects they left in their rooms. Then there will be no trace that they were ever here. If anyone from C. U. Jimmy PLC contacts us, we will simply say that Madoon and McCavity never arrived at Hemlock Cottage. I think that is best.

What a dreadful tragedy this whole affair has been. I have worked with Madoon and McCavity before, and found them both to be charming fellows. I actually wept when I finally got to bed last night, thinking of their poor families, thinking of the wives and children who will never see their husbands and fathers again. And most of all, thinking of the grant that I was looking forward to receiving from C. U. Jimmy PLC. Oh well, that’s life. Thank heavens things like this only happen occasionally.

Looking on the bright side, Beaker and I have made up, and are now back to being the close-knit team we were before the Petpower project went so disastrously wrong.

To our business. With there now being no prospect of receiving any money from the late Madoon and McCavity’s company, I am more keen than ever to get moving with the transaction we are working on together. Beaker has very kindly promised to scan in the completed financial agreement form for me, so I shall email that to you as soon as he has done so.

What is done is done. Look to the future, Mr Adekunle, and do not dwell on the past.

I look forward to moving forward with this transaction in earnest.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I must remind you to keep the information in this email to yourself. You know, confidentiality between lawyers and their clients, and that sort of thing. In particular, I think it would be wise not to tell your daughter or Mr Williams of last night’s goings-on.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: Oh dear

Sent: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 12:05:38

Hi,

I did a very silly thing last night. Things did not work out as I thought they would. I made a very silly mistake. I am sorry my sweet but I can’t tell you what happened. I can never tell you what happened. But don’t worry, everything is all alright now. Mr Murray says that everything will be fine.

Me and Mr Murray are friends again. I took your advice my lovely and we buried what was left of Rolf this morning in the garden. I planted a rose bush on top of his grave and Mr Murray said a little prayer and I thought it was really moving. I thought you would like to hear it so here is what he said:

Our lord Jesus Christ

We offer the remains of this dog into your loving hands

May he frolic around in heaven and be a faithful hound to you

And not drool on your sofa or get under your feet too much

Forgive us our sins

And please make sure that nobody finds out about them

Give us this day our daily bread

And please do not allow anyone to drain Gypping Marsh within our lifetime

Oh Christ almighty, what have we done?

We both wept a bit.

Everything will be alright. I love you my little peach.

Mr Murray is going to visit Farmer Palmer this afternoon and see if he can get me a nice collie pup to make up for not having Rolf around. And he’s promised me he won’t experiment on it or attach electrodes to its willy or anything.

Beaker xx


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: I’m so excited!

Sent: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 17:03:53

Hi,

I’m so excited! Mr Murray has bought me a little puppy dog! She is a little bitch and she is only about five weeks old! She is lovely!

I am going to play with her and teach her things and give her lots of love and attention!

I am going to call her Erlyn, after the woman I love!

I love you! I love both my lovely Erlyns!

I have to go now. Erlyn has pooed all over the floor so I am going to rub her nose in it.

Beaker xx


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Things are getting back to normal

Sent: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 17:22:22

Dear Mr Adekunle,

I am pleased to report that things have started to return back to normal after last night’s excitement. Beaker and I buried Rolf’s remains in the garden earlier today, I said a little prayer, and Beaker planted a small bush on the grave. It was a deeply moving and touching little ceremony.

Thankfully, now that Beaker has stopped pumping me full of laxatives, my stomach is starting to get better, although I think it may take some time for it to get completely back to normal.

Beaker tells me that your daughter did her utmost to persuade him not to carry out his plans. Although she was not successful, please pass on my sincere thanks to her – she tried her best, bless her. I have told Beaker that it is probably best if he does not mention last night’s events to your daughter – or anyone else, for that matter. Some things are best forgotten.

After Rolf’s burial service, I fired up the furnace in the workshop and carried out the last vital bit of tidying-up after last night. I am confident that things will be alright now.

True to my word, I drove off this afternoon to visit Farmer Palmer, who lives on the other side of the village. His collie bitch, Britney, had given birth to an unwanted litter a few weeks ago, and Palmer has been trying to find good homes for them ever since, with little success. It was difficult to decide which pup to choose, especially with the knowledge that Palmer was going to drown the rest of the litter in a sack the following week. After much deliberation, I picked out a fine little bitch for Beaker, with a healthy wet nose and a playful demeanour, and took her back with me to Hemlock Cottage. Beaker was delighted – his face lit up when he saw her little tail wagging at him. Apparently he has named her “Erlyn”, in honour of your daughter.

Now that things are returning to normal, I am pleased to report that Beaker has scanned in your financial agreement form for me, and assures me that you should be able to open it without any problems. Please let me know if this is the case. Assuming that you can open it, I look forward to resuming our business forthwith.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I have decided to scrap the abortive Petpower project, for Beaker’s sake. I think if I carried on with it, I would be in danger of dredging up some rather unpleasant memories (rather an unfortunate turn of phrase, given the circumstances, but there you go). No matter – not all things are meant to be, and there are more exciting ventures in the pipeline.

The completed financial agreement form
(Click to enlarge)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Wale Williams

Subject: I must apologise

Sent: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 17:27:51

Dear Mr Williams,

A short email to apologise for the delays we have faced recently. This has been an extremely difficult week for Beaker and myself, for a variety of reasons, and unfortunately it has meant that we have not been able to devote as much time as we would have wished to our transaction.

However, I would like to assure you that this transaction is of the utmost importance to me, now more than ever, and that now things are getting back to normal, we should be able to move forward with the speed of a greased ferret.

With your keen business eye no doubt focussed on the progress of the Icarus III project, you are probably wondering how the visit of Madoon and McCavity went. Bad news, I am afraid – I am sorry to report that they had to cancel their visit at short notice, and did not arrive at Hemlock Cottage. I am hoping that we will be able to schedule a visit with someone from C. U. Jimmy PLC at some point in the future. But somehow I doubt that I will be working with Madoon and McCavity again.

On a personal note, I do hope you are well, my dear fellow. Tell me, how are your wife and children? Are dear little Wilson and Kingslead doing well at school? You still have not send me a picture of the little darlings – I would so love to receive one.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Successful

Sent: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 22:03:21 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Fortunately the secretary was able to download the form and your informations written in it is very alright. We will commence on your form, but before we do that you will have to pay up the agreement fee, and how to pay is in the previous mail we sent to you. Once you do make the payment, please let us know by giving us the control number.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: Excellent news

Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 08:49:54

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Thank you for your email. I am most pleased that you have finally managed to open the form that I sent you. After such a long delay caused by niggling technical difficulties, may I suggest that you consider upgrading the computer equipment and software that you have in your offices? I am sure that it would be worth spending a bit of money to prevent such delays from occurring in the future.

Now we can move forward. Today feels like a new start, in many ways. My stomach has very nearly recovered after my laxative overdose, and Beaker is very much back to his normal self.

Beaker is absolutely delighted with the new puppy that I bought for him. He is busy teaching Erlyn new tricks – the bitch is so young that she picks things up very quickly. He has already managed to teach her to beg. In fact she needed almost no encouragement at all in that area; it seemed to come naturally. She is still leaving little “parcels” on the carpet, but Beaker is ruthlessly rubbing her nose in it and I am sure he will have little Erlyn house-trained in no time at all.

To the business in hand. Of course, I need to pay your fee. To save me trawling through a load of old emails, could you please remind me of the best way to do this?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: Erlyn sends Erlyn her doggy love

Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 13:52:49

Hi,

My love, you did not email me yesterday. I missed you.

I am so happy now I have my little puppy Erlyn. She is so sweet. But not as sweet as you of course.

I am trying to teach her new tricks right now and trying to stop her from pooing on the carpet. I have taught her to beg already. Erlyn picked that up very quickly. She is very good at begging. I hope she is as good at other tricks.

I have not forgotten your birthday presents my little sugar plum fairy. But the past few days have been very strange and so I did not get chance to buy you anything lovely like you deserve. I promise you that I will do. Because I love you.

Erlyn sends her doggy love to you and so do I.

Email me! Do not forget me, my little ray of sunshine!

Beaker xx


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Excellent news

Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 08:06:36 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We are in receipt of your mail. This chamber accepts payment through Western Union money transfer or MoneyGram mainly.

We advise you make the payment through the name of the secretary to the chamber:

Receiver’s name: Osanyintusi Oluwagbenga Daniel

Test question: Relationship?

Answer: Legal

Once this fee is paid the chamber will commence work on this claim immediately.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


From: Gilbert Murray

To: Vincent Adekunle; Cc: Wale Williams

Subject: The completed financial agreement form

Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 17:00:32

Dear Mr Adekunle,

Thank you for your prompt response. A thought has just occurred to me.

The financial agreement form that I completed, signed and sent back to you has a space for your signature as well as mine. I am sure that you will have signed the form in the appropriate place as soon as you received it from me – I know how much you lawyers like to dot the i’s and cross the t’s. For my own records, and my own piece of mind, I would very much like to have a copy of the form with both our signatures on it. I like to keep my records straight too, you know.

Therefore, before we continue, I would appreciate it if you could send me a copy of the form for my own records, showing both our signatures. I always think it is best to do things properly, especially when it comes to legal and financial matters. I have rather an excellent filing system here and like to keep it in good order.

Being a lawyer, you have probably thought of this already yourself – I would not be surprised if you had already asked one of your secretaries to send me the form.

Incidentally, I received an email this morning from Helen Earth, the Personnel Manager at C. U. Jimmy PLC, asking if I knew the whereabouts of Mr Madoon and Mr McCavity. Neither of them returned home as planned last night, and their wives telephoned the company today to ask where they were. I sent back a short reply saying that Madoon and McCavity had never arrived on Tuesday night and that I had assumed they had to cancel at short notice. Hopefully that will be the end of the matter.

I look forward to receiving a copy of the signed form from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray


From: Erlyn Adekunle

To: Beaker

Subject: Re: Erlyn sends Erlyn her doggy love

Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 09:12:30 -0700 (PDT)

My heartthrob,

How are you doing love? Sorry for not having mailed you yesterday. It was due to my busy schedule. I am about to leave for school.

I want to ask you if you are now on good terms with Mr Murray?

I love you darling and I hope to hear from you more, so send my lovely regards to my namesake.

Bless you love.


From: Beaker

To: Erlyn Adekunle

Subject: Waggy tail doggy style love

Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 12:02:33

Hi,

It was really good to hear from you Erlyn. Sorry you are so busy. I am busy too. As well as doing my job I have little Erlyn to train. She is still pooing on the carpet. She pooed on my bed last night too. But she is so sweet.

You asked if I was back on good terms with Mr Murray. Yes, we are back to being friends. We have quite literally buried our problems.

Mr Murray is very happy with me because I managed to scan in a form properly for your Dad. We have been having problems with that for ages. I think most of it was your Dad’s fault really. But it’s alright now. Mr Murray still won’t tell me what he’s doing with your Dad but he says it’s going to make him very rich and he’s said he’ll buy Erlyn a nice new kennel when the money comes through.

Take care my sweet. I am going into town on Monday and I promise you I will buy you a lovely lovely present for your birthday. Sorry it is late.

Erlyn sends her waggy tail love to you and I send my love to you doggy style too.

Beaker xx


From: Vincent Adekunle

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: The completed financial agreement form

Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 01:55:04 -0700 (PDT)

VINCENT ADEKUNLE CHAMBERS,
BARRISTER AND SOLICITOR AT LAW,
4B, GERRALD LAWSON AVENUE,
IKOYI, LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Dear Gilbert Murray,

We are in receipt of your mail and this chamber respectfully informs you that the signature of the Head of Chamber can only be given when you have met with the payment with the original copy sent to you with the receipt issue to follow.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Vincent Adekunle (SAN)

Head of Chamber (HOC)


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